[nah]

Kasss... your English is fine.

Do they ever see their behavior is wrong?

I think so but they still stay in their decisions because they are cowards.

[monty]

My husband has run as fast as he could away from me but will do anything for his children, he's has removed me from everything but the problem is , his ow has the same first name as me so he will always remember me ,, probably all bad but I'm always there
And kass your English is very good xx

[Treasur]

Your english is fine, kasss, and we have people here from lots of different countries!

You might get better advice and support if you start your own thread to share your story and challenges?

[kasss]

Thank you, I will try!

[nah]

My husband has run as fast as he could away from me but will do anything for his children,

I notice that this varies, some MLCers turn their backs on the entire family, some just the LBS, some choose a child and favor one over the other.

One of The Leaver's first letters to me was blah, blah, blah, about me and our marriage but he was extremely concerned about how our kids were going to be and how they would treat him.

At one of the hearings he was almost crying about the kids (both adults btw), "they only call me when they need something".  At the time I saw this as an opportunity to pave the way so instead of berating him about his actions I responded with, "WE need to work together to be better parents", he shook his head "yes" and then kept continuing on his path of destruction.

From early on and even before BD, The Leaver went overboard with giving our daughter every single thing she wanted so he could be the good guy.  He has over and beyond favored our daughter over our son.  Luckily, our son is easy going and forgives his father and keeps their relationship amicable, he doesn't necessarily respect him but talks to him.

I guess this is another aspect of some vanishers.  They really can't be true vanishers if there are children involved and the children have a relationship with both parents.  Some true vanishers also vanish from the family.  Then there are some who take a child with them (such as The Leaver did with my daughter, she is 27). 

[MsMedfly]

Attaching... 

Nah - you really deserve a Ph.D for this... Girl, you hit it out of the park every time...

Kasss, your English is fine.. And welcome.. To the best place on earth to land when your world falls apart!!

I think mine might be a vanishing seagull... He hibernates for a season or two only to come out and s$&t all over everything. Only made contact once, several months ago after almost 3 years of silence, because of my son. I initiated, I ended. Not a word since. He was so concerned about s to take the  time to speak to me and put the pieces together and see s was lying his cute little behind off!!! Something I'd asked for in the beginning, please still be a dad.... Nope, he vanished, only to reappear, create a poop storm, and vanish again...

Puffy's dad does the exact same thing to him and has for the past 30 plus years.... It's literally the same. Right down to the not making contact contact, though the kid.. No... His argument for leaving s too was he's an adult, we don't need you to have a relationship. Sad but true and I stay out of it.. However, I find the vanish reappear act so oddly and strangely familiar... Yep, I was married to the  3rd generation monster of genetic MLC.... Now I just watch and wait to see how this plays out with my son... S is still so angry with his dad but yet I know he loves every second he gets to be with him. I do get it, I watched my exh jump through the hoops of trying to please dad and make him want to stay only to be destroyed by some off the wall, truly sociopathic reason to bail again. I will do what the 3 generations of ex wives before me  have done, be there to pick of the pieces and love my son.

Ttreasur - your soooooooo right!!!! As much as it hurts, it is what it is. And that's ok too... The silence was what I thought would kill me. Nope, it ended up being the most precious gift, I could never deal with the back and forth. I guess for me the silence became the conversation I felt so desperately entitled to in the beginning, that I now feel I no longer need. The silence became the very words that made me realize how his actions spoke volumes and none of  it included me or my son any longer. It's hard  to finally face that reality but at the same time, it became the place where I began to build the new me and my new life.

Nobody puts me in a corner... And if I have to, I will dance by myself!!!! 😜😜😜😜😜😜😜😂😂😂😂😂😂😂

I have these reality check songs, Better man by little big town, and burning house... Can't remember who sings it but dang....

Now.. Let's see what kind of three ring circus puffy and his father have planned... His dad is coming for the holidays, they haven't seen each other in more than 7 years. Hope s has an escape route planned and a car waiting out back... Granted old grandpaw will now be seeing his grandson for the first time in more than 5 years. Look into those sad eyes of my sweet son on Christmas and see all the fruits of his joyous destruction. I blame my former fil almost as much, if not more, than my ex. I see the products and consequences of parents choices every single day and it breaks my heart what people do to thier children. And now my own son has to suffer the long standing traditions of his fathers family, FACE PUNCH TO MYSELF!!!!!!

If puffy plays like he has in the past, by his daddy's rule book, he's about due for what my mil calls the drive by. Fil would start driving by thier house, just checking to see what she was up to, calling for no reason. First  time, 3 years in, she was dating. Next time, 5 years in he found her remarried and living with her new h. And still, tried to "come home".... Felt entitled to..  And of course, he became the victim of her crazy behavior and he tried but she wouldn't let him..

If you really evaluate it all, it's escape and avoid anything, everything, only some things. It's so unique and yet we are all so similar in so many ways..

[nah]

I think mine might be a vanishing seagull... He hibernates for a season or two only to come out and s$&t all over everything.

I think we need to add this term to the MLC categories....

Wallower----Clinger----boomerang----seagull----vanisher.   

[Treasur]

Yup, my STBXH seems to be doing seagull right now...or trying to but I'm ignoring him...maybe seagull is a low-energy version of monster 

[Ro828]

Treasur,

My H was hit with his crisis almost 10 years ago.  Last time I saw/talked with him was at our divorce hearing in '09.  You have written exactly what it feels like and the thought process when someone leaves and vanishes.  In my opinion it is the cruelest form of rejection.  One cannot possibly understand the emotions one feels/goes thru if they have not experienced being completely abandoned and treated as though you never existed (especially when you've spent decades together!).

I have no idea if he's happier or not.  My guess is that his life is different not better, but whatever it is he has chosen to keep me out of it.

Thanks again for your post Treasur

[nah]

Ro... I always love to hear from you.

You are a true veteran with a true vanisher.  On this thread, especially if we haven't heard from our MLCer for years it's always good to hear what's going on in OUR lives. 

Hey, even after many years I think it's normal to still feel the pain.  No one would question a widow no matter how many years it has been.

My mother's first husband died 57, yes 57 years ago and she still keeps a picture of him next to her bed.

So why can't we still have feelings just because they vanished by choice?