[Treasur]

Sounds like it...I do think one of the good tests is how much of what they say/do is still all about them. Missing empathy chip really, so turning up like that after being told it wasn't a good time, making a little Sadz drama by contacting your other daughter rather than you if he was concerned...and indirectly blaming you for that...you know, like a real grown-up. Your son-in-law sounds like a good egg though 

[bluerose]

     Yes. I believe he is still in replay. He is still blaming me and running from responsibility at least with his former family.  He still doesnt own up to his behaviour of tbe past 3 years.

[nah]

I have to say  the line about the “same lane” stung. Curious what you all think? Do you think your MLCers have the same way of thinking? Still in replay?

Sounds like The Leaver, just a different phrase.

Most MLCers need a cool catch phrase to justify their behavior.  The Leaver told numerous people that, "Nah and I were not on the same page."  Of course he left out that my page was work, dishes and laundry and his page was fire trucking a girl half his age.  He used that phrase for at least two years and would repeat that same phrase again and again  Almost like he had to have something ready when asked, b/c he didn't know either. 

After time, people stop asking so the phrase faded away.

IMO, and I could be wrong, I think "types" of MLCers have very similar ways of thinking.  The wallowers, clingers, boomerangs, vanishers, sure might all say things like ilybinilwy BUT they do things differently in their groups so should be treated differently depending on what WE want...

For example No Contact is often discussed.  With a clinger they are in your face, so of course No Contact would be a completely different animal than No Contact with a Vanisher.  Now again, this is just my opinion from my experiences with The Leaver and what I have read over the years on this forum.  RCR didn't have a vanisher, she had a boomerang, so her experience was different and her articles touch with her experiences and her observations of others but she never had a vanisher,.... we do.  That's why it's important to learn from each other.  Not just to get him "back" (not all of us are here for that anymore) but for communication (if that's what we want) from a man who wants nothing more than to disappear from us.

Replay....

We often equate replay with the affair.  What if they are sliding out of replay but "stuck" due to the feeling of having to live with their choices?

I feel that's where The Leaver is right now, and honestly I think he has been there for a long time and may never get out.  Again, my opinion only, but I wouldn't be surprised that is exactly what happens to the majority of the vanishers.  They might realize their choices were crap but now because they dug their heals in so deep, they are too afraid to do anything to get out.  That's why they stay hiding.  Fear.  Plain and simple, fear.

[Nas]

I don’t know about all of them, but mine’s just a giant coward. He was an off and on who generally would respond to my contact (unless it was about the nonexistent divorce...that he just hid from).

Then I was diagnosed with cancer. He all but disappeared and now I found out he’s actually changed his phone number.

Disgusting coward.

[bluerose]

         My neighbor said to me over a year ago that she thinks the coward has got himself into a situation he cant get out of.  I agree with them getting stuck.

[Milly]

I agree that they get stuck. My H even told my D20 last May that he felt stuck. I think that the vanisher, having very little contact with the LBS, builds up a picture of her/him that is much worse than the reality. They are so scared of rejection. So instead, many of them go on to make things even worse for themselves.

[Rising Phoenix]

I agree, I had a clinging boomerang for 3 yrs then vanished and changing his no so ow can control every aspect. Even his children not allowed it. H did say several times that got him self in a corner and didnt know how to get out.

Non existent  divorce for 3 yrs then vanished and files. Another giant coward who got himself stuck xx

[If_only]

I am so sorry Nas.  I sure hope you have support to get you through your battle with cancer.  That is terrible of the leaver ! Worst thing ever! I actually had thought of that yesterday and wondered if my h would be there if I got sick.  In my gut I knew he wouldn’t ☹️!  Reading what you wrote brought tears to my eyes and I pray for a good outcome for your health.
Hugs:  IF

[If_only]

That is true Milly and 1P-  they cut themselves off from their LBS and family and then after so long they are no longer reachable and stay with their poor choices. That’s what I have been seeing - it actually gets easier for a vanisher to have NC!

IF

[nah]

Well, we all agree that the Vanishers are the mother of all cowards.  Yep every one of them. 

it actually gets easier for a vanisher to have NC!

Well, kind of, no contact is forced on us because they hide, a little different than us stopping contact with them b/c they are abusive.  Being ignored is it's own special kind of abuse.  Yes, the LBSers of vanishers tend to detach earlier, but in the early days, their abrupt abandonment cuts like a knife.

The vanishers being the mother of all cowards, though, is why I believe Communication with them than the other "Types" of MLCers.  Who cares if you flub a interaction with a clinger?  You will get another chance in 5 minutes and he won't remember what you said anyways.  Them not remembering is often brought up on here when a LBS is distraught over things that were said.

Not with the Vanishers, The Leaver brought up things I said and did years ago,...why?  Well, if you only talk once or twice a year, they sit and stew about every word that was said, just like we do.  Not that them stewing over things is always a bad thing.  If fact, it's often exactly what they need.