Author Topic: My Story Reconnecting Learning to reconnect  (Read 2872 times)

Offline Mary ATopic starter

  • Sr. Member
  • ****
  • Posts: 272
  • Gender: Female
My Story Reconnecting Learning to reconnect
« on: December 13, 2017, 06:28:24 AM »
Hi everybody! Thunder told me I could start a "happy thread". Before that I would like to thank her once again for being there when I felt devastated. I would like to also thank all the forum for keeping me sane. All the advice I was given helped in such a way! Thanks!!!

I myself cannot understand how bad I felt and everything that I went through. This is my link, if I did it right...

http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8786.150

Many people around here surely think my story was not so tragic but I should say, what is tragic is everything that went on in my mind...the terrible scenarios I pictured about me...my family..my future...my old age...

From last April we are reconnecting...
He didn´t say everything I was expecting but many of the things I set as goals have been accomplished: initiating conversation, sex, a nice gesture, saying I love you...

He had and said everything you read on the forum, the only thing different is that he didn't have an established OW, he had an EA with a younger girl he had met even before we married.

On the outside he has had these improvements:

No longer obsessed with looks, clothes, tight underwear, gym, hair
Cut down on alcohol intake.
Less depressed
Not so much stuck on Facebook
Starts or initiates plans that include all the members of the family...

He´s more concerned with the house, pets, kids and has gotten back to his habit of watching tv in bed, which he had abandoned.
I got flowers and I love yous for our anniversary, which was unthinkable a year ago...
I can´t complain but I should be honest with you. I´m still very afraid. Whenever he lingers more than usual in front of the mirror, whenever he texts someone, whenever he´s more introverted or absent minded...I get triggers of all sorts.

From time to time we get into arguments as everybody else and I get literally crazy thinking or wondering if those arguments with me can take him back into the tunnel...or in someone else´s arms.

I have read a lot about triggers but i haven´t read if it´s normal to feel the way I do. I will appreciate if you could suggest a thread.

Well, i´m sorry that from time to time I take some distance from the forum but sometimes I find it difficult to make sense of everything and revisiting things sometimes makes it worse.

But I feel I should honor all the good support I had from you.

I would like to finish with some ideas that kept me going (for the newbies):

I tried not to take it personal
I realized the situation was not something he was doing to me, these ideas helped me see things in a light that helped all the way..

Hugs to all!!
« Last Edit: January 16, 2018, 07:22:49 AM by OldPilot »
M: 43
H 49
T : 26
BD: April, 2016
EA: discovered March,27, 2017. Lasted for about 6 months.

Offline iwantoffthisrids

  • Sr. Member
  • ****
  • Posts: 338
  • Gender: Female
Re: Learning to reconnect
« Reply #1 on: December 13, 2017, 07:06:06 AM »
Mary I can relate to so much of this. H is currently doing some of these things- planning stuff with family managing finances well, recommitted to family, habits are changing.....not as much time in front of mirror. Still works out and listens to the new music. It's like he's in transition. His other reconnection attempts were good but they were more fantastical like "we made it!" Etc when really he wasn't out of the tunnel. This is a more realistic (depressed?) acceptance of real life saying that another relationship is "incompatible". Well, yes, it is. I should move this to my thread as I keep hijacking others . Can someone help me with that?
I just remembered H made that decision after I said Fine go pursue OW but you can't do it from our home. He thought and paced and I have never felt more tension and he drank and was so restless. The craziest I have seen him. But after a couple days of that he announced to me that he was going to accept loss and recommit to our family. Now, he has not wavered from that decision but is not a pretty journey.  Emotionally not really available to me at this point. Yes....I know everyone here says no xpectations not to see him as my H now to go with the friendship thing. That is probably the best advice if I want to do my part to rebuild. I am just scared and tired as I have been trying to keep it together for 18 months while he was misbehaving (off and on returning to self). I am rambling as usual. Can someone please more to my thread?

Offline iwantoffthisrids

  • Sr. Member
  • ****
  • Posts: 338
  • Gender: Female
Re: Learning to reconnect
« Reply #2 on: December 13, 2017, 07:22:28 AM »
I forgot to say that I relate so much to the trigger part. All of it. And especially if we argue (he is still mean sometimes) I am always afraid he will get mad and go back in the tunnel or look for someone else. Even though he has said many times that is not compatible and hurts the family. When does the fear go away? How long does trust take to be rebuilt?

Offline GonerinGhana

  • MLCer Type: Clinging Boomerang
  • Hero Member
  • *
  • Posts: 1973
  • Gender: Female
Re: Learning to reconnect
« Reply #3 on: December 13, 2017, 07:39:22 AM »
Mary-I just wanted to pop in and say I am so happy for you that things are going well. You are nice person and I think you will handle this reconnection like a pro.

Offline Thunder

  • Moderator
  • Hero Member
  • *
  • Posts: 21086
  • Gender: Female
Re: Learning to reconnect
« Reply #4 on: December 13, 2017, 07:47:50 AM »
Mary, I'm so glad you are here to update us on your reconnection.  It's so good to hear some good news.

It's tough because those triggers don't go away for a long time, but hopefully he will keep doing what he's doing and the triggers will fade in time.  Trust will do that.

I hope you both have a wonderful Christmas.   ;D

Big Hug!
XO
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Offline Treasur

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 7103
  • Gender: Female
Re: Learning to reconnect
« Reply #5 on: December 13, 2017, 08:49:15 AM »
Nice to hear some positives and see what progress looks like...and that it is possible for someone to begin to inch out of the tunnel  :)
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD)
No kids.
BD Oct 15. OW since Apr 16?
H filed Jan 17. Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.

Grateful for any appearance of the tiny karma bus  
"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline Helpingme!

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 2139
  • Gender: Male
Re: Learning to reconnect
« Reply #6 on: December 13, 2017, 11:03:55 AM »
Following along. Love reading the good stories.  Mary hope y'all continue the happiness and have a wonderful Christmas.

Offline Never say never

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 3347
  • Gender: Female
Re: Learning to reconnect
« Reply #7 on: December 13, 2017, 02:56:53 PM »
Mary, I am so happy for you and wishing you all the best.  What a wonderful Christmas for you!!!!  Thanks for keeping us posted. I love hearing something positive.  It gives us all hope.

Online Mortesbride

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 2111
  • Gender: Female
Re: Learning to reconnect
« Reply #8 on: December 14, 2017, 06:10:44 AM »
Following along.  :D
You know this is MLC when you have played emotional hot potato with a pair of crotch-less tights.

Offline Mary ATopic starter

  • Sr. Member
  • ****
  • Posts: 272
  • Gender: Female
Re: Learning to reconnect
« Reply #9 on: December 15, 2017, 03:53:20 AM »
Thanks everybody for following along!

This new phase also has a lot of anxiety and fear... so it`s wonderful to share it.

I never stopped reading most threads and I have learnt so much!

I learnt today that reconnection is similar to going back to normalcy. In my case it`s pretty much similar but somehow the connection and everyday life are quieter, sorry if it`s not so clear but can´t find a better way to describe it. No irony on my part, less angry comments ...more balanced, quieter...

I have also put into practice the no pushing, no looking for validation and so far it has helped. Once again, the worst part is inside my head.

He has just left for work. Rather absent minded. He has too much stress at work. So I guess it`s that. Before leaving, he kissed me and gave me a pat, his usual love language.
I´ll keep on focousing on the positive attitudes, such as the fact he cooked something I love the other day...

Thanks for being there all the way!

Hugs!
M: 43
H 49
T : 26
BD: April, 2016
EA: discovered March,27, 2017. Lasted for about 6 months.

 

SMF spam blocked by CleanTalk
Legal Disclaimer

The information contained within The Hero's Spouse website family (www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com, http://theherosspouse.com and associated subdomains), (collectively 'website') is provided as general information and is not intended to be a substitute for professional legal, medical or mental health advice or treatment for specific medical conditions. The Hero's Spouse cannot be held responsible for the use of the information provided. The Hero's Spouse recommends that you consult a trained medical or mental health professional before making any decision regarding treatment of yourself or others. The Hero's Spouse recommends that you consult a legal professional for specific legal advice.

Any information, stories, examples, articles, or testimonials on this website do not constitute a guarantee, or prediction regarding the outcome of an individual situation. Reading and/or posting at this website does not constitute a professional relationship between you and the website author, volunteer moderators or mentors or other community members. The moderators and mentors are peer-volunteers, and not functioning in a professional capacity and are therefore offering support and advice based solely upon their own experience and not upon legal, medical, or mental health training.