Author Topic: My Story Reconnecting Learning to reconnect  (Read 2874 times)

Offline Mary ATopic starter

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My Story Reconnecting Learning to reconnect
« on: December 13, 2017, 06:28:24 AM »
Hi everybody! Thunder told me I could start a "happy thread". Before that I would like to thank her once again for being there when I felt devastated. I would like to also thank all the forum for keeping me sane. All the advice I was given helped in such a way! Thanks!!!

I myself cannot understand how bad I felt and everything that I went through. This is my link, if I did it right...

http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8786.150

Many people around here surely think my story was not so tragic but I should say, what is tragic is everything that went on in my mind...the terrible scenarios I pictured about me...my family..my future...my old age...

From last April we are reconnecting...
He didn´t say everything I was expecting but many of the things I set as goals have been accomplished: initiating conversation, sex, a nice gesture, saying I love you...

He had and said everything you read on the forum, the only thing different is that he didn't have an established OW, he had an EA with a younger girl he had met even before we married.

On the outside he has had these improvements:

No longer obsessed with looks, clothes, tight underwear, gym, hair
Cut down on alcohol intake.
Less depressed
Not so much stuck on Facebook
Starts or initiates plans that include all the members of the family...

He´s more concerned with the house, pets, kids and has gotten back to his habit of watching tv in bed, which he had abandoned.
I got flowers and I love yous for our anniversary, which was unthinkable a year ago...
I can´t complain but I should be honest with you. I´m still very afraid. Whenever he lingers more than usual in front of the mirror, whenever he texts someone, whenever he´s more introverted or absent minded...I get triggers of all sorts.

From time to time we get into arguments as everybody else and I get literally crazy thinking or wondering if those arguments with me can take him back into the tunnel...or in someone else´s arms.

I have read a lot about triggers but i haven´t read if it´s normal to feel the way I do. I will appreciate if you could suggest a thread.

Well, i´m sorry that from time to time I take some distance from the forum but sometimes I find it difficult to make sense of everything and revisiting things sometimes makes it worse.

But I feel I should honor all the good support I had from you.

I would like to finish with some ideas that kept me going (for the newbies):

I tried not to take it personal
I realized the situation was not something he was doing to me, these ideas helped me see things in a light that helped all the way..

Hugs to all!!
« Last Edit: January 16, 2018, 07:22:49 AM by OldPilot »
M: 43
H 49
T : 26
BD: April, 2016
EA: discovered March,27, 2017. Lasted for about 6 months.

Offline iwantoffthisrids

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Re: Learning to reconnect
« Reply #1 on: December 13, 2017, 07:06:06 AM »
Mary I can relate to so much of this. H is currently doing some of these things- planning stuff with family managing finances well, recommitted to family, habits are changing.....not as much time in front of mirror. Still works out and listens to the new music. It's like he's in transition. His other reconnection attempts were good but they were more fantastical like "we made it!" Etc when really he wasn't out of the tunnel. This is a more realistic (depressed?) acceptance of real life saying that another relationship is "incompatible". Well, yes, it is. I should move this to my thread as I keep hijacking others . Can someone help me with that?
I just remembered H made that decision after I said Fine go pursue OW but you can't do it from our home. He thought and paced and I have never felt more tension and he drank and was so restless. The craziest I have seen him. But after a couple days of that he announced to me that he was going to accept loss and recommit to our family. Now, he has not wavered from that decision but is not a pretty journey.  Emotionally not really available to me at this point. Yes....I know everyone here says no xpectations not to see him as my H now to go with the friendship thing. That is probably the best advice if I want to do my part to rebuild. I am just scared and tired as I have been trying to keep it together for 18 months while he was misbehaving (off and on returning to self). I am rambling as usual. Can someone please more to my thread?

Offline iwantoffthisrids

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Re: Learning to reconnect
« Reply #2 on: December 13, 2017, 07:22:28 AM »
I forgot to say that I relate so much to the trigger part. All of it. And especially if we argue (he is still mean sometimes) I am always afraid he will get mad and go back in the tunnel or look for someone else. Even though he has said many times that is not compatible and hurts the family. When does the fear go away? How long does trust take to be rebuilt?

Offline GonerinGhana

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Re: Learning to reconnect
« Reply #3 on: December 13, 2017, 07:39:22 AM »
Mary-I just wanted to pop in and say I am so happy for you that things are going well. You are nice person and I think you will handle this reconnection like a pro.

Offline Thunder

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Re: Learning to reconnect
« Reply #4 on: December 13, 2017, 07:47:50 AM »
Mary, I'm so glad you are here to update us on your reconnection.  It's so good to hear some good news.

It's tough because those triggers don't go away for a long time, but hopefully he will keep doing what he's doing and the triggers will fade in time.  Trust will do that.

I hope you both have a wonderful Christmas.   ;D

Big Hug!
XO
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Offline Treasur

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Re: Learning to reconnect
« Reply #5 on: December 13, 2017, 08:49:15 AM »
Nice to hear some positives and see what progress looks like...and that it is possible for someone to begin to inch out of the tunnel  :)
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD)
No kids.
BD Oct 15. OW since Apr 16?
H filed Jan 17. Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.

Grateful for any appearance of the tiny karma bus  
"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline Helpingme!

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Re: Learning to reconnect
« Reply #6 on: December 13, 2017, 11:03:55 AM »
Following along. Love reading the good stories.  Mary hope y'all continue the happiness and have a wonderful Christmas.

Offline Never say never

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Re: Learning to reconnect
« Reply #7 on: December 13, 2017, 02:56:53 PM »
Mary, I am so happy for you and wishing you all the best.  What a wonderful Christmas for you!!!!  Thanks for keeping us posted. I love hearing something positive.  It gives us all hope.

Online Mortesbride

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Re: Learning to reconnect
« Reply #8 on: December 14, 2017, 06:10:44 AM »
Following along.  :D
You know this is MLC when you have played emotional hot potato with a pair of crotch-less tights.

Offline Mary ATopic starter

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Re: Learning to reconnect
« Reply #9 on: December 15, 2017, 03:53:20 AM »
Thanks everybody for following along!

This new phase also has a lot of anxiety and fear... so it`s wonderful to share it.

I never stopped reading most threads and I have learnt so much!

I learnt today that reconnection is similar to going back to normalcy. In my case it`s pretty much similar but somehow the connection and everyday life are quieter, sorry if it`s not so clear but can´t find a better way to describe it. No irony on my part, less angry comments ...more balanced, quieter...

I have also put into practice the no pushing, no looking for validation and so far it has helped. Once again, the worst part is inside my head.

He has just left for work. Rather absent minded. He has too much stress at work. So I guess it`s that. Before leaving, he kissed me and gave me a pat, his usual love language.
I´ll keep on focousing on the positive attitudes, such as the fact he cooked something I love the other day...

Thanks for being there all the way!

Hugs!
M: 43
H 49
T : 26
BD: April, 2016
EA: discovered March,27, 2017. Lasted for about 6 months.

Offline Acorn

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Re: Learning to reconnect
« Reply #10 on: December 15, 2017, 04:16:56 AM »
Hi Mary, it is so good to hear about a positive story.  I’m doing a happy dance for you. 

Quote from Mary:

...reconnection is similar to going back to normalcy.  ...the connection and everyday life are quieter.

Thank you for spelling that out.  You described it really well!  It is not some glitter and a thousand colourful balloons that indicate a positive turn of events but the gradual resumption of ‘boring’ peaceful life is.  That’s what I observe with my situation as well.  It is the returning to calmer and drama free state. 

I can’t agree with you more about not pushing and not seeking validation. That takes a lot of self control and pragmatic attitude on your part.  You don’t engage in the things that will harm your R.  Thank you for that reminder to those coming behind you, including myself.   

Hope you have a wonderful time with your family in this festive season.  I think you will!
((((HUGS))))))

Live-in MLCer
Feb 2015: BD.  H has a Nuclear meltdown. 
Oct 2015: ILYBIANILWY.
Apr 2016: Affair discovered
Dec 2017: Seriously reconnecting

Offline Mary ATopic starter

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Re: Learning to reconnect
« Reply #11 on: December 19, 2017, 03:50:27 AM »
Hi, everybody! Thank you so much for being there! I share things with you that I can´t share with friends or family!

Acorn, your words are so helpful! They help me understand what is going on in this new phase.

I just wanted to share with you that the other day we were talking and he told me: " last year what I went through...I´m not going to explain that to you because you know very well what I mean. I felt , I was re organizing things in life...I was reassessing everything...Now, I´m all right. I feel scared that how well I feel would go away...That´s why I don´t say much. I´m used to getting blows when I´m all right..."


Well , those were his words...I guess I should take it as a positive attitude, but he does think a lot about everything. The down side is that one way or another I keep focusing on him. I feel that if we are where we are it´s because I was patient and tried to tune in to what he was going through...why stop working hard now? But the fear and anxiety are always there.

Lately, it got into my head that he could fall in love with every woman I meet and I picture those situations in my mind. It never happened before MLC. I guess it´s part of my fears.

Thanks for listening!!!!!
M: 43
H 49
T : 26
BD: April, 2016
EA: discovered March,27, 2017. Lasted for about 6 months.

Offline FamilyIsMyGoal

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Re: Learning to reconnect
« Reply #12 on: December 19, 2017, 05:26:00 AM »
I'm glad to read happy news!  Thanks for sharing.  Can I ask, did he ever move out?  Did he tell you your relationship was definitely over?  I have been strong or attempting to be strong for months now, but today I just feel tired.  I don't know how much longer I can "act as if"
Divorce Bomb August 6, 2017
Married 19 years
Together 22 years
Divorced as of January 2019
I don't think I'm standing, but who knows what the future brings.
Two Teenage boys
Me: 55
H 59
OW? I don't know - probably plural

Offline Mary ATopic starter

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Re: Learning to reconnect
« Reply #13 on: December 19, 2017, 06:24:30 AM »
Hi, Familyismygoal!  He never moved out but he got immersed in himself for months! He told me all the things as to our relationship: he didn't´want to keep being a family with me, to go meet someone, to carry own with my life and let him do the same with his, that he just didn´t care about our R anymore, taht he wasn´t complaining , just saying he didn´t care.  :'(

He never moved out of the bedroom either but he would refuse to get an inch close to me.
It was awful! But as I had been told and didn´t want to see-accept, all that stemmed from his guilt and feeling , I guess I secured.

I hope it helps!
M: 43
H 49
T : 26
BD: April, 2016
EA: discovered March,27, 2017. Lasted for about 6 months.

Offline Gigielle

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Re: Learning to reconnect
« Reply #14 on: December 27, 2017, 06:28:24 PM »
Attaching.  I can see similarities in our stories, love hearing that yours is doing well!!!  I'm looking forward to the day when mine is! 
M: 42
H: 41
D: 17 S: 16 - both ours
Married 09.19.98 (19 years)
DB #1: 08.18.17-EA (ended)
DB #2: 09.23.17-ILYBNILWY
Still at Home-Never Left

My Previous Thread:
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9452.0

*"This is the year I will be stronger, braver, kinder, unstoppable and this year, I will be fierce."

*The pain that you've been feeling, can't compare to the joy that's coming." -Romans 8.18

Offline Mary ATopic starter

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Re: Learning to reconnect
« Reply #15 on: January 01, 2018, 05:33:25 AM »
Happy New Year, my friends! Second New Year on the forum, thankful always to have you!

I wanted to have a short update and tell you something that to me was very important.

During the difficult months in which my low-energy MLC wanted to exclude me from his life, he changed his Facebook profile picture of him and kids, he did the same with the posts, he only posted things of him and kids. It is not perhaps that important but it was a very clear sign of him erasing me from his life. I felt devastated. I never said anything about it.
Last Xmas he posted a pic of me and daughter and others of all of us together, he added "I surely did some good things, I couldn´t ask for more".  For me this is another clear sign, only this time , a sign of him at least being grateful of the family he has and what he got in life.

He seems quite himself but I haven´t seen him completely changed as some people post here after reconnection. He gets rather depressed sometimes, I see some selfish gestures from time to time but mild...I´m aware it´s just too early...
I get anxious some times and I´m still very much afraid he could go back to where he was in April last year or even earlier.
My resolution is to be alert and calm, which has helped so far. 

I hope 2018 brings lots of good signs to all LBS!!!!
M: 43
H 49
T : 26
BD: April, 2016
EA: discovered March,27, 2017. Lasted for about 6 months.

Offline Acorn

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Re: Learning to reconnect
« Reply #16 on: January 01, 2018, 05:46:25 AM »
A new FB with you in it?  Yet another positive sign that he is moving in the right direction, I think.  I dare say ‘complete change’ will take as long as it takes.  Some rapid movement and then a long time of nothing.  The best you and I can do is not actively watching or waiting.  Kinda like living and being busy with our own lives, checking on H in the rear view mirror now and then.

Your update is so much appreciated as there aren’t too many on going reconnecting threads.

I very much wish you contentment and quiet joy in 2018, Mary A!
Live-in MLCer
Feb 2015: BD.  H has a Nuclear meltdown. 
Oct 2015: ILYBIANILWY.
Apr 2016: Affair discovered
Dec 2017: Seriously reconnecting

Offline Mary ATopic starter

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Re: Learning to reconnect
« Reply #17 on: January 01, 2018, 05:58:04 AM »
Thank you so much Acorn for your words! I need to be reminded of certain things as to carry on with my life and check out H from time to time in the rear mirror!! I just forget and get involved in uneasiness and anxiety.

I follow your thread and I have learnt a lot from it!

Wish you a 2018 full of joy !
hugs
M: 43
H 49
T : 26
BD: April, 2016
EA: discovered March,27, 2017. Lasted for about 6 months.

Offline barbiedoll

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Re: Learning to reconnect
« Reply #18 on: January 02, 2018, 06:00:17 AM »
I am pleased to see light purple ! I am happy for you and the changes that are happening in your spouse and I think I am going to walk along with you for awhile. I am very interested to hear how others experience re-connection or trying to "put it back together" , and you seem to be able to articulate your feelings so well. I hear happiness ...how lovely is that ? I also see that you are followed by caution and fear/anxiety. I would be worried if you were NOT.

Quote
I just forget and get involved in uneasiness and anxiety.
.

Yes. This has been with me a very long time. I have done battle with anxiety from the start and for me that is 4 years. It is improving slowly but it has taken an incredible amount of work ,counselling , reading and venting.  I know that the focus will still be on HIM... but do remember self care and treat yourself as if you are recovering from a horrible event.... because you are.
Married April 1985
5 children
Bomb Drop April 2013
Thrown out of house August 2013
Affair discovered November 2013 (i guessed who)
Home December 3 2013
The Journey Of Reconciliation .. is for the brave .

Anger is like a candle in the wind ... it blows out the light of all reason.

Offline Mary ATopic starter

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Re: Learning to reconnect
« Reply #19 on: January 03, 2018, 02:56:35 AM »
Hey dear Barbie!

I completely understand what you say! The fear and anxiety are always there. In that sense I feel I have never completely detached . My life revolves around him more than it should!

Yesterday , for example, I got nervous and picky about certain house stuff , nothing serious but my house was upside down and I felt overwhelmed! He complained about me making a fuss , which is true, but I need to be able to say or express my disappointment at least with things connected to  the house  :P
He got upset because "I made him changed his mood from good to bad". Anyways, nothing important but then in this everyday situation I fear if this actions of mine could take him back...Not very easy to live with this permanent fear.

To summarize, my life is quite similar to before BD, the main difference is the massive thinking and fear inside of me!

Happy New Year, Barbie!
M: 43
H 49
T : 26
BD: April, 2016
EA: discovered March,27, 2017. Lasted for about 6 months.

Offline Acorn

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Re: Learning to reconnect
« Reply #20 on: January 03, 2018, 05:10:26 AM »
Hi Mary A, thank you for continuing to share your story with us.  The forum is great in many ways but one point stands out.  So many diverse situations even though MLC symptoms are very similar!

I understand what you mean about the house being upside down and your frustration about it.  Whose house isn’t after the Christmas and NYE celebrations?!  You should have seen mine.  It was mind boggling.  :o

What I’m about to say is not motivated by arrogance (“I know better how you should go about your life”) but  by my desire to share how I changed my perspective on practical side of my life, like the messy house and cleaning up.  Also, my change in attitude about H’s feelings and moods.

About the practical matters.  I don’t sweat it any longer unless it is a life threatening situation.  Did this state come easily?  By no means.  It takes lots of practice to be ‘detached’ from, say, the mess in the house, and not take it personal.  I used to take it as other member of the family not being respectful toward me in that they don’t see the mess and don’t proactively clean up and leave it all up to me to deal with it.   Now I look at the vista, stand back and say, O well.  And then, I ask for help.  Quietly, pleasantly and politely.  It works 100% of the time.

About H’s feelings and moods.  It’s HIS only.  I have no computer program that directs his brain.  If he is affected by my frustrations then the right thing for him to do is not conclude that I‘ve ruined his state of being but ask what’s troubling me and offer help.  Hopefully with a smile and grace.  If he can’t do that, he can always remove himself from the room.  In fact, what H does nowadays is that HE starts to clean up before I even notice the mess or I did notice but have decided to go and play the piano instead of cleaning up.  ;D.

The bottom line is: You are NOT responsible for his moods.  Full stop.  However, there are always 2 sides to the coin.  You do your bit by giving some distance (detached) to the potential bugging situations.  That way, you remain in control of your emotions, not the other way around.  You can also show the way by being gracious toward him when he is frustrated with some practical matters.  It is easy to get p###ed off by his show of frustaration but stand back, call on your grace, and be nice to him, just like you would want him to be towards you.  It is really true when they say that we are walking ahead of them.  They see, they copy.  Well, sometimes, anyway.  Even if it has no effect on him, at least you would have the benefit of knowing that you acted the best way you knew how.  That has to be positive for you!

Your ‘massive thinking and fear’ is understandable.  I dare say we all experience it to some degree.  What helped me most were 2 things that you don’t ever want to hear again...  TIME and Detachment. 

I hope my 2 cents’ are received as I intended... That is, a very friendly comment.





Live-in MLCer
Feb 2015: BD.  H has a Nuclear meltdown. 
Oct 2015: ILYBIANILWY.
Apr 2016: Affair discovered
Dec 2017: Seriously reconnecting

Offline FearNot

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Re: Learning to reconnect
« Reply #21 on: January 03, 2018, 10:28:23 AM »
Attaching! So happy for you!  :D
M 46
H 40
No Kids
Married 5yrs, Together 11yrs
BD Oct 31/17
ILYBINILWY Dec 21/17
2nd BD- Dec 27/17
OW-Confirmed Jan 3/17

 Isaiah 43:1 " But the Lord says.. Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name; you are mine. "

"It's ok to be scared. Being scared means you're about to do something really, really brave." Anonymous

Offline Anjae

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Re: Learning to reconnect
« Reply #22 on: January 03, 2018, 12:27:31 PM »
Thank you for your update, Mary.
Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together. (Marilyn Monroe)

Offline Thunder

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Re: Learning to reconnect
« Reply #23 on: January 03, 2018, 12:43:42 PM »
Hi Mary.

I think it takes them a long time to come completely out of this.
I also saw a little depression, a little confusion and even a bit of selfishness left over, but it gets better.  Don't worry.  Hard to do I know.   :-\

Try to relax.
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Offline Mary ATopic starter

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Re: Learning to reconnect
« Reply #24 on: January 04, 2018, 04:22:44 PM »
I really thank everbody´s comments ! They are all really helpful!

Acorn, I understand very well your point! I have also changed in many ways and I have become a little less worry and more relaxed about the house and everything. But...sometimes the mess really gets me!

You were also right about us not controlling their moods! And you were also absolutely right in your point about us walking in front of them. Here´s an example:

Things went on all right the following day! I got up quite at ease and talked as leaving behind what had happened the previous day. He was uptight at the beginning but then got around. And the incredible thing was that he got someone to give me a hand with the issue that was worrying me at home! A very good sign and action on his part and then told the kids to be helpful in the house , etc.

Small steps and feeling all right!

Thunder, I´ll try to relax. It´s only some days that seem more difficult than others.

Hugs to all!
M: 43
H 49
T : 26
BD: April, 2016
EA: discovered March,27, 2017. Lasted for about 6 months.

Offline Acorn

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Re: Learning to reconnect
« Reply #25 on: January 04, 2018, 05:02:08 PM »
Hi Mary A,

I’m so glad your H extended grace to you in response to yours.  This is the case with us as well.  The return gesture may take some time to eventuate, or it get accumulated in the positive column in his memory bank.  Not that Grace is ever given with any expectations of payback.  That would be contrary to the meaning of the word. However, when it is returned in kind, it fosters positive relationship, don’t you think?

I’m also glad to hear that you are making your life easier by relaxing about the house.  I’m sure you give off more relaxed vibes to everyone in the house!  That can only be good.

Baby steps for all of us.  Lots of little rest stops, faltering forward steps, backward steps.  But overall, we are moving forward.  I’m sure about it. 

Wishing you all the best in your ‘baby’ steps!
Live-in MLCer
Feb 2015: BD.  H has a Nuclear meltdown. 
Oct 2015: ILYBIANILWY.
Apr 2016: Affair discovered
Dec 2017: Seriously reconnecting

Offline Gigielle

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Re: Learning to reconnect
« Reply #26 on: January 04, 2018, 05:15:46 PM »
I just read through your other thread and it's amazing how similar our stories are! I think your husband might be a smidge ahead of mine, so I've enjoyed reading your updates! (Is "enjoyed" even the word to use with this crazy mess?)  Thank you for sharing!
M: 42
H: 41
D: 17 S: 16 - both ours
Married 09.19.98 (19 years)
DB #1: 08.18.17-EA (ended)
DB #2: 09.23.17-ILYBNILWY
Still at Home-Never Left

My Previous Thread:
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9452.0

*"This is the year I will be stronger, braver, kinder, unstoppable and this year, I will be fierce."

*The pain that you've been feeling, can't compare to the joy that's coming." -Romans 8.18

Offline KeepItTogether

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Re: Learning to reconnect
« Reply #27 on: January 05, 2018, 07:06:50 AM »
Hi Mary A--following along. I do love to see that light purple!

Small steps and feeling all right!

Thunder, I´ll try to relax. It´s only some days that seem more difficult than others.


I think this is what most will struggle with in reconnection. We are so badly damaged and likely suffer from PTSD after BD, it is amazing we can even function.  You are doing great.
Me 47
H 46
S12
BD 5/16
H Moved out 6/16
OW--yes. Worked for H. EA turned into PA while I was in chemo. On again/off again like every high school romance

Offline Mary ATopic starter

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Re: Learning to reconnect
« Reply #28 on: January 06, 2018, 11:18:17 AM »
Thank you Acorn, Gi and Keepittogether, all the words of support help a lot!

Some times we need to be reminded of things we should know by now. Knowing you are there also helps so much!

Have a nice weekend!
M: 43
H 49
T : 26
BD: April, 2016
EA: discovered March,27, 2017. Lasted for about 6 months.

Offline Mary ATopic starter

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Re: Learning to reconnect
« Reply #29 on: April 22, 2018, 07:24:05 PM »
Hello everybody!

It's been a while...I have to be honest with you...H's MLC was so overwhelming for me and I got so obsessed with the forum and the stories that I felt in this phase of healing I needed some time away from the forum. Although things keep on being very well I need to do some healing myself ...I silent kind of healing because it goes on only inside of me. Nobody knows...But I'll try to tell you...
From time to time everything I went through and all the terrible scenarios I imagined come back to me...my H's phrases of rejection...his sleeping on the edge of the bed...his self-absorption...all things that hurt me and from time to time come back in my mind. I need to heal those wounds but I do not talk to him about those moments. They are too private and besides I think it would be like taking the victim's position, which I'm not going to do.

On his part things are going very well. I haven't noticed regressions to earlier phases. He keeps mentioning his growing older but he does it with more acceptance and even some sense of humour.
He's caring...he devotes time to spend with me alone and with the family. His old self, in short.
It's been a year since his EA was discovered and I asked him to decide if he wanted me in his life. During that year everything was like too good to be true. he thinks about our future together and this time I'm in all his plans. Now we're leading the normal life we have with quarrels sometimes, The typical routine a family has but no stress or tension like we had two years ago.

My friends, I felt I had to tell you how well I'm doing because I owe everything to this forum. Every firm step I took, I took it because of what you taught me.

Thank you and I hope somebody can profit from my story.

Hugs to all 
M: 43
H 49
T : 26
BD: April, 2016
EA: discovered March,27, 2017. Lasted for about 6 months.

Offline Acorn

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Re: Learning to reconnect
« Reply #30 on: April 23, 2018, 04:49:05 AM »
Dear Mary,

Thank you very much for your update!  It sounds like both of you are healing well.  One can’t go through this kind of painful trial without gaining some wisdom about life in general.  I’m sure you gained plenty!

Please drop by and continue to share your story.
I wish you further healing.  I’m sure TIME helps...
Live-in MLCer
Feb 2015: BD.  H has a Nuclear meltdown. 
Oct 2015: ILYBIANILWY.
Apr 2016: Affair discovered
Dec 2017: Seriously reconnecting

Offline Helpingme!

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Re: Learning to reconnect
« Reply #31 on: April 23, 2018, 05:27:31 AM »
Following along Mary.
The part of feeling normal again. It feels so weird . But it is part of it. So Happy for yall, wish yall the best.

Online Whyus

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Re: Learning to reconnect
« Reply #32 on: April 23, 2018, 06:00:52 AM »
Thanks for sharing Mary, you Sound good. Very levelheaded and serious.
Im happy for the pair of you and hope that your H continues to make Progress.
Married - 19,5 Years pre BD
Together - 21,5 Years
Me: 45
W: 45 (Acts 25)
BD 1: 10.01.2017
BD 2: 24.02.2017 OM 28 (now 30) Trainings partner. W is actually getting People to accept them.
2 Sons - 19 & 21
1 Dogs and a cat.
Own home . Sold!
Divorce Date 21.08.2018
T1  http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8671.0

Offline Thunder

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Re: Learning to reconnect
« Reply #33 on: April 23, 2018, 06:42:10 AM »
Hi Mary.   :)

Things sound good. 

I was smiling when you said he talks about growing older now with more acceptance and humor.  Mine is the same.  It's no longer an obsession.

When I look back a few years ago aging bothered him so much.  Cutting all his gray hair off, the bottles of skin creams and lotions.
He tried so hard to stop the clock from ticking.   ::)

A couple of good things came out of it, though.  He doesn't run anymore to exhaustion, but he kept his weekly running up and does try to stay in shape.  He eats healthier, too.  He's his old self, but a little more health conscious now.  I no longer see the self hate.

I also don't bring up the past.  I think putting the past where it belongs is a good thing for you.
It was heart wrenching and sad, but it's over now.  You both survived the storm and I'm very happy for you.

I wish you nothing but more happiness....and calm.   :)

Hugs
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Offline Mary ATopic starter

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Re: Learning to reconnect
« Reply #34 on: April 24, 2018, 02:28:53 PM »
Thank you all for your good wishes!

Once again, I'm standing because of your support and your wise words.
Acorn, Helpingme and Whyus, reading your threads gave me the strength I needed to go on!

Thunder, Many times I felt lost and I always found a word of support in your answers. Your wisdom and knowledge on MLC are amazing.

It is incredible how much I owe to people I've never met in person!

hugs to all!
M: 43
H 49
T : 26
BD: April, 2016
EA: discovered March,27, 2017. Lasted for about 6 months.

 

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