Author Topic: My Story Reconnecting Learning to reconnect  (Read 2685 times)

Offline Acorn

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My Story Reconnecting Re: Learning to reconnect
« Reply #20 on: January 03, 2018, 05:10:26 AM »
Hi Mary A, thank you for continuing to share your story with us.  The forum is great in many ways but one point stands out.  So many diverse situations even though MLC symptoms are very similar!

I understand what you mean about the house being upside down and your frustration about it.  Whose house isn’t after the Christmas and NYE celebrations?!  You should have seen mine.  It was mind boggling.  :o

What I’m about to say is not motivated by arrogance (“I know better how you should go about your life”) but  by my desire to share how I changed my perspective on practical side of my life, like the messy house and cleaning up.  Also, my change in attitude about H’s feelings and moods.

About the practical matters.  I don’t sweat it any longer unless it is a life threatening situation.  Did this state come easily?  By no means.  It takes lots of practice to be ‘detached’ from, say, the mess in the house, and not take it personal.  I used to take it as other member of the family not being respectful toward me in that they don’t see the mess and don’t proactively clean up and leave it all up to me to deal with it.   Now I look at the vista, stand back and say, O well.  And then, I ask for help.  Quietly, pleasantly and politely.  It works 100% of the time.

About H’s feelings and moods.  It’s HIS only.  I have no computer program that directs his brain.  If he is affected by my frustrations then the right thing for him to do is not conclude that I‘ve ruined his state of being but ask what’s troubling me and offer help.  Hopefully with a smile and grace.  If he can’t do that, he can always remove himself from the room.  In fact, what H does nowadays is that HE starts to clean up before I even notice the mess or I did notice but have decided to go and play the piano instead of cleaning up.  ;D.

The bottom line is: You are NOT responsible for his moods.  Full stop.  However, there are always 2 sides to the coin.  You do your bit by giving some distance (detached) to the potential bugging situations.  That way, you remain in control of your emotions, not the other way around.  You can also show the way by being gracious toward him when he is frustrated with some practical matters.  It is easy to get p###ed off by his show of frustaration but stand back, call on your grace, and be nice to him, just like you would want him to be towards you.  It is really true when they say that we are walking ahead of them.  They see, they copy.  Well, sometimes, anyway.  Even if it has no effect on him, at least you would have the benefit of knowing that you acted the best way you knew how.  That has to be positive for you!

Your ‘massive thinking and fear’ is understandable.  I dare say we all experience it to some degree.  What helped me most were 2 things that you don’t ever want to hear again...  TIME and Detachment. 

I hope my 2 cents’ are received as I intended... That is, a very friendly comment.





Feb 2015: BD 1. H has a Nuclear meltdown.  The next morning arctic cold descends.
Oct 2015: BD 2,  ILYBIANILWY. “We should not have gotten married.”
Apr 2016: Affair discovered
Never left home
Dec 2017: Seriously reconnecting

Offline FearNot

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Re: Learning to reconnect
« Reply #21 on: January 03, 2018, 10:28:23 AM »
Attaching! So happy for you!  :D
M 46
H 40
No Kids
Married 5yrs, Together 11yrs
BD Oct 31/17
ILYBINILWY Dec 21/17
2nd BD- Dec 27/17
OW-Confirmed Jan 3/17

 Isaiah 43:1 " But the Lord says.. Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name; you are mine. "

"It's ok to be scared. Being scared means you're about to do something really, really brave." Anonymous

Offline Anjae

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Re: Learning to reconnect
« Reply #22 on: January 03, 2018, 12:27:31 PM »
Thank you for your update, Mary.
Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together. (Marilyn Monroe)

Offline Thunder

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Re: Learning to reconnect
« Reply #23 on: January 03, 2018, 12:43:42 PM »
Hi Mary.

I think it takes them a long time to come completely out of this.
I also saw a little depression, a little confusion and even a bit of selfishness left over, but it gets better.  Don't worry.  Hard to do I know.   :-\

Try to relax.
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Offline Mary ATopic starter

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Re: Learning to reconnect
« Reply #24 on: January 04, 2018, 04:22:44 PM »
I really thank everbody´s comments ! They are all really helpful!

Acorn, I understand very well your point! I have also changed in many ways and I have become a little less worry and more relaxed about the house and everything. But...sometimes the mess really gets me!

You were also right about us not controlling their moods! And you were also absolutely right in your point about us walking in front of them. Here´s an example:

Things went on all right the following day! I got up quite at ease and talked as leaving behind what had happened the previous day. He was uptight at the beginning but then got around. And the incredible thing was that he got someone to give me a hand with the issue that was worrying me at home! A very good sign and action on his part and then told the kids to be helpful in the house , etc.

Small steps and feeling all right!

Thunder, I´ll try to relax. It´s only some days that seem more difficult than others.

Hugs to all!
M: 43
H 49
T : 26
BD: April, 2016
EA: discovered March,27, 2017. Lasted for about 6 months.

Offline Acorn

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Re: Learning to reconnect
« Reply #25 on: January 04, 2018, 05:02:08 PM »
Hi Mary A,

I’m so glad your H extended grace to you in response to yours.  This is the case with us as well.  The return gesture may take some time to eventuate, or it get accumulated in the positive column in his memory bank.  Not that Grace is ever given with any expectations of payback.  That would be contrary to the meaning of the word. However, when it is returned in kind, it fosters positive relationship, don’t you think?

I’m also glad to hear that you are making your life easier by relaxing about the house.  I’m sure you give off more relaxed vibes to everyone in the house!  That can only be good.

Baby steps for all of us.  Lots of little rest stops, faltering forward steps, backward steps.  But overall, we are moving forward.  I’m sure about it. 

Wishing you all the best in your ‘baby’ steps!
Feb 2015: BD 1. H has a Nuclear meltdown.  The next morning arctic cold descends.
Oct 2015: BD 2,  ILYBIANILWY. “We should not have gotten married.”
Apr 2016: Affair discovered
Never left home
Dec 2017: Seriously reconnecting

Offline Gigielle

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Re: Learning to reconnect
« Reply #26 on: January 04, 2018, 05:15:46 PM »
I just read through your other thread and it's amazing how similar our stories are! I think your husband might be a smidge ahead of mine, so I've enjoyed reading your updates! (Is "enjoyed" even the word to use with this crazy mess?)  Thank you for sharing!
M: 42
H: 41
D: 17 S: 16 - both ours
Married 09.19.98 (19 years)
DB #1: 08.18.17-EA (ended)
DB #2: 09.23.17-ILYBNILWY
Still at Home-Never Left

My Previous Thread:
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9452.0

*"This is the year I will be stronger, braver, kinder, unstoppable and this year, I will be fierce."

*The pain that you've been feeling, can't compare to the joy that's coming." -Romans 8.18

Offline KeepItTogether

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Re: Learning to reconnect
« Reply #27 on: January 05, 2018, 07:06:50 AM »
Hi Mary A--following along. I do love to see that light purple!

Small steps and feeling all right!

Thunder, I´ll try to relax. It´s only some days that seem more difficult than others.


I think this is what most will struggle with in reconnection. We are so badly damaged and likely suffer from PTSD after BD, it is amazing we can even function.  You are doing great.
Me 47
H 46
S12
BD 5/16
H Moved out 6/16
OW--yes. Worked for H. EA turned into PA while I was in chemo. On again/off again like every high school romance

Offline Mary ATopic starter

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Re: Learning to reconnect
« Reply #28 on: January 06, 2018, 11:18:17 AM »
Thank you Acorn, Gi and Keepittogether, all the words of support help a lot!

Some times we need to be reminded of things we should know by now. Knowing you are there also helps so much!

Have a nice weekend!
M: 43
H 49
T : 26
BD: April, 2016
EA: discovered March,27, 2017. Lasted for about 6 months.

Offline Mary ATopic starter

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Re: Learning to reconnect
« Reply #29 on: April 22, 2018, 07:24:05 PM »
Hello everybody!

It's been a while...I have to be honest with you...H's MLC was so overwhelming for me and I got so obsessed with the forum and the stories that I felt in this phase of healing I needed some time away from the forum. Although things keep on being very well I need to do some healing myself ...I silent kind of healing because it goes on only inside of me. Nobody knows...But I'll try to tell you...
From time to time everything I went through and all the terrible scenarios I imagined come back to me...my H's phrases of rejection...his sleeping on the edge of the bed...his self-absorption...all things that hurt me and from time to time come back in my mind. I need to heal those wounds but I do not talk to him about those moments. They are too private and besides I think it would be like taking the victim's position, which I'm not going to do.

On his part things are going very well. I haven't noticed regressions to earlier phases. He keeps mentioning his growing older but he does it with more acceptance and even some sense of humour.
He's caring...he devotes time to spend with me alone and with the family. His old self, in short.
It's been a year since his EA was discovered and I asked him to decide if he wanted me in his life. During that year everything was like too good to be true. he thinks about our future together and this time I'm in all his plans. Now we're leading the normal life we have with quarrels sometimes, The typical routine a family has but no stress or tension like we had two years ago.

My friends, I felt I had to tell you how well I'm doing because I owe everything to this forum. Every firm step I took, I took it because of what you taught me.

Thank you and I hope somebody can profit from my story.

Hugs to all 
M: 43
H 49
T : 26
BD: April, 2016
EA: discovered March,27, 2017. Lasted for about 6 months.

 

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