Author Topic: My Story The transformative power of love  (Read 5034 times)

Offline beyondblessedTopic starterTopic starter

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My Story The transformative power of love
« on: December 20, 2017, 02:35:55 PM »
As you may have noted, the name has changed throughout this journey, as I've become and transformed from what was to what is.  From slave, to done, and finally blessed.

I honestly didn't intend on sticking around.  I've found myself, my joy, my love.  I never stood for my lor marriage, I only ever stood for me.  I didn't see my xh leaving as a loss, but a regaining of myself.  Still, I cannot stand seeing all the heartache and loss that many of you are still feeling and suffering, without offering some encouragement.  Some of you have been enduring this for years, and while that is unimaginable to me, everyone does heal at his/her own pace.

My awakening  (aka bomb drop) will be 2 years in January, and St. Patricks day that same year was the day I stopped trying to glue my blown apart marriage back together again, and instead focused all my energy back into revivng the parts of me that slowly died over my 16 yr. marriage.

Today, I have a new home, close to family and surrounded by friends.  I have the most amazing new man in my life, that seems too good to be true at times.  He's the man I've always wanted:  attentive, kind, caring, giving, super affectionate, really he's just the whole package.  The dating world at midlife is dicey at best, so when he approached, I was filled with doubt and reservations, but from our first meeting months ago, we've spent as much time together as we can.  And, it just keeps getting better.  He's amazing and I have learned so much from the failed marriage that I have put those lessons to good use in strengthening our communication, building the trust that is so crucial, and taking things slow and steady, though it's been a challenge.  We are so in sync and physically attracted to one another that it's like gasoline and fire.  Not at all complaining, but that kind of connection does make it difficult at times not to lose my head and do something crazy....like sell my house and elope with this man!  lol

I had my 6 month appointment yesterday at the orthodontist, and he said by this time next year, the braces will be ready to come off.  I am getting ready to start living the Keto lifestyle after the New Year and look forward to learning the ins and outs from Mr. Amazing, as he's been doing this for years.  I am looking to become even more physically fit than I already am by doing this.  That means I need to learn a new style of baking, as carbs and sugar are verboten from this diet.  Wish me luck on that one!  lol. I pretty much run on sugar and caffeine!!

I have so much more to share, but I am so behind on Christmas.  lol. I have gifts to wrap, stockings to stuff, and cookies to bake, not mention trying a Keto dessert or two out for Mr. Amazing indulge and enjoy.

I hope that each and every one of you pushes like I have to make the rest of your life, the best of your life.  It all starts with the choice to put you first.  After that, everything else falls into place on its own and in its own time.  Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays!!


Offline beyondblessedTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: The transformative power of love
« Reply #1 on: January 03, 2018, 05:57:26 PM »
Dear 2018:  I'm coming to SLAY!!  And, so far, I'm killing it!

Life rolls on.  Had an amazing week's vacation over the holidays, and spent every moment I possibly could with Mr. Amazing, and it was truly a magical time.  Without an inkling of doubt, this man is my future.  It is almost scary how in sync we are, but it is such a comforting feeling.  It just feels like home when I'm with him.  Never had this type of connection before and sure wasn't expecting it, but I feel so completely blessed.

Today marks day 2 of my cleaner, reduced carb lifestyle.  I am not doing it as strict as the true ketogenic diet, as I only want to lose maybe 10 lbs, but I already feel better and not so sluggish.  I just felt I wasn't living up to my true slayer potential, so I adopted eliminating MY biggest addiction:  Sugar, as my next goal, and I can assure you.....I WILL win, as always.  For those of you who keep up with me on FB, I will post progress updates and pics frequently. Mr. Amazing is my biggest supporter, so with him backing me, there is no way I will not succeed.  ;D

2018 will be my year because I choose to make it so.  I hope each and every one of you will decide to do the same!  I wake up each day with a prayer of gratitude and thanks for this amazing life I have been given, and that immediately puts me in the right frame of mind to kill the day...and man, do I ever.
The gym workouts continue, the orthodontist visits continue...tomorrow, as a matter of fact to fix a bracket I managed to bust over the holiday break...lol.  To think, I used to hate, I mean hate going to the dentist.  Now, it doesn't even faze me.  Just another fear thats been conquered, and yes, slain.

So, I noticed others choosing a word for 2018.  Well, my word is going to be, yep you guessed it:  SLAY.  My life is what I make it, and I choose to make it epic!!

Offline stillbaffled

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Re: The transformative power of love
« Reply #2 on: January 03, 2018, 06:42:47 PM »
So glad you drop back in here every so often and share an update, as well as lend encouragement and support on threads. 

You can bet I'll be watching the progress!   :)

You're on a great path, Beyond. 

BD: 1/1/16
Together 15 years - married 7 years
His divorce final 7/26/16
Married the OW

After all, tomorrow is another day.

Offline No expectations

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Re: The transformative power of love
« Reply #3 on: January 03, 2018, 07:23:39 PM »
Beyond,

You are truly a great inspiration!  I'm so glad to see you posting,  and so happy for you.   You sound absolutely amazing!  Glad you are still coming here.  Facebook is good, but only tells a small part of your story.

Looking forward to watching you slay it this year!
Married 11 1/2 years, together 18.  BD 9/2016, 2nd BD 10/16.  H moved out 10/16.  2 AS's from my first M.  Me 55, H 50. OW 23.  Moved back 4/18.  Reconnecting and working on our M.

"And once the storm is over, you won't remember how you made it through; how you managed to survive.  You won't even be sure if the storm is really over.  But one thing is certain; when you come out of the storm, you won't be the same person that walked in...that's what this storm is all about."

"The trick is to enjoy life.  Don't wish away your days, waiting for better ones."

Offline beyondblessedTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: The transformative power of love
« Reply #4 on: January 30, 2018, 03:10:26 PM »
So another month has rolled on... and along with it, 2 years post Awakening.  And, man, what a 2 years it's been.  2 new relationships, many firsts (with many more still in the making), a new tattoo, and a new found, never, ever settle again self love that continues to grow everyday.

Divorce was not a death sentence for me.  It was a liberation of my soul and true self that I believe has lead me to my true love and soulmate....my Mr. Amazing.  A man of strength, courage, humor, kindness, love, affection and support.  The kind of man I wish I'd met in my 20's rather than now.  I'm turning the big 4-5 next week, and Mr. Amazing and I are going to spend the weekend at luxury resort just enjoying each other's company and loving on one another.  Life is truly wonderful, but it took letting go of the mistakes, learning from them, and using them to better myself for the new opportunities that have presented themselves in abundance.

At some point, you have to accept that what's done is done, and what's gone probably is gone for a divine reason.  God has a plan for all of us and it takes lots of faith, hope, love and trust to let go and let God lead.  He has lead me to both beautiful and devastating places over the last 2 years, but I have no doubt, it was and still is His grace and strength that daily replenishes my own and has helped me culivate this amazing and transformed life.  I am beyond blessed.

Offline stillbaffled

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Re: The transformative power of love
« Reply #5 on: January 30, 2018, 08:09:54 PM »
Sure glad you drop in frequently and share with us.  It's always good to hear from you and get an update on your journey. 
BD: 1/1/16
Together 15 years - married 7 years
His divorce final 7/26/16
Married the OW

After all, tomorrow is another day.

Offline nah

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Re: The transformative power of love
« Reply #6 on: January 30, 2018, 10:03:51 PM »
Hey look at you....

...and I came on this thread thinking you were a newbie in need of help.

Glad to hear you are still living big.

Good for you!!!
H-54
me-52
ow-30
married 1986
BD April 6 2013 day after family went out for sons birthday.
I packed his bags two days later...semi-vanisher
https://heneversaidaword.com

Offline No expectations

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Re: The transformative power of love
« Reply #7 on: January 31, 2018, 01:23:59 AM »
Beyond,

Happy early birthday,  my friend!!  Sounds like you have a wonderful plan, I'm so happy for you!  Life is truly amazing when we look for our blessings.   So glad you continue to post !  ;D
Married 11 1/2 years, together 18.  BD 9/2016, 2nd BD 10/16.  H moved out 10/16.  2 AS's from my first M.  Me 55, H 50. OW 23.  Moved back 4/18.  Reconnecting and working on our M.

"And once the storm is over, you won't remember how you made it through; how you managed to survive.  You won't even be sure if the storm is really over.  But one thing is certain; when you come out of the storm, you won't be the same person that walked in...that's what this storm is all about."

"The trick is to enjoy life.  Don't wish away your days, waiting for better ones."

Offline beyondblessedTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: The transformative power of love
« Reply #8 on: January 31, 2018, 01:47:44 AM »
Nope, Nah, not a newbie!  lol. I just felt it was fitting to change my name as my life continued to progress.  I wasn't, and am clearly now, NOT the same person who came here hoping for my ex to wake the hell up.  Still have no hope of that ever happening for him....for many reasons.

But, life now is not and never again will be about his self destruction.  It's all about me, as it always should have been.  Only here to serve as an example of how wonderful things can turn out for the LBS, if they just let go and have faith in themselves and God.   ;D

Offline Dumbfounded

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Re: The transformative power of love
« Reply #9 on: February 05, 2018, 10:14:36 AM »
Howdy!! I stumbled upon your thread today while looking for my own lost thread.  Sounding wonderful.

You give us all something to shoot for beyond this MLC madness.     
Married 1998
MLC H 48
LBS W 47
D16, S12
BD March, 2016
Left home Sept 4, 2016 - living with parents
H filed for D - July 24, 2017
D final March 14, 2018 - still living at parent's house

“You've seen my descent, now watch my rising.”
― Jalaluddin Rumi

Offline beyondblessedTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: The transformative power of love
« Reply #10 on: February 05, 2018, 05:28:36 PM »
Glad you stumbled upon me, DF.  Life really couldn't be any better for me.  I should have to pinch myself daily, because of this amazing man and this new chance at love, but honestly I know I deserve this and so much more.

These is not an inkling of doubt with him and where we are headed.  2 years ago, I knew my life needed to change because my marriage left me exhausted and defeated.  I changed my mind, and in the process changed my life to the life of my dreams.  Through faith, hard work, and persistence, I attracted this beautiful, loving, giving soul into my life and we are working together....key word being together to nuture, grow, strengthen and extend the love we feel for one another.  He's my 1st thought in the morning and my last thought in the evening.  It's love the way it was always meant to be.  Not a doubt in my mind.

It's the kind of love we all deserve, and it's the kind of love I wish for all of you, especially those who continue to struggle with their self image and self worth.  You need to see that you are more than enough, and that the right man/woman will come into your life and recognize this and love you more than you ever dreamed possible.  I am living proof.

Offline No expectations

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Re: The transformative power of love
« Reply #11 on: February 05, 2018, 05:33:44 PM »
Beyond,

I am so happy for you, my friend.  You sound so amazing, so happy.  And I really appreciate that you keep coming back here.  It means a lot to me, and to others, to see that there is life beyond MLC. 

I hope your birthday was everything you deserve!  ;)
Married 11 1/2 years, together 18.  BD 9/2016, 2nd BD 10/16.  H moved out 10/16.  2 AS's from my first M.  Me 55, H 50. OW 23.  Moved back 4/18.  Reconnecting and working on our M.

"And once the storm is over, you won't remember how you made it through; how you managed to survive.  You won't even be sure if the storm is really over.  But one thing is certain; when you come out of the storm, you won't be the same person that walked in...that's what this storm is all about."

"The trick is to enjoy life.  Don't wish away your days, waiting for better ones."

Offline beyondblessedTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: The transformative power of love
« Reply #12 on: February 06, 2018, 01:59:04 AM »
Thank you so much, No Ex, for your continued presence and constant encouragement.  My birthday was fantastic.  Mr. Amazing and I had a fabulous time.  On Sunday, he even noted that it didn't seem right for HIM to have had such a wonderful weekend on MY birthday.  lol

He is definitely one of a kind special.  And, yes, finally the love, attention, concern, thoughtfulness, and care I deserve.  How could I be anything but grateful and happy?  He's the best.

Offline Dumbfounded

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Re: The transformative power of love
« Reply #13 on: February 06, 2018, 05:18:17 AM »
Your thread always makes me smile Beyond.

I think that is the key.. truly believing that you deserve better than to just settle.
Married 1998
MLC H 48
LBS W 47
D16, S12
BD March, 2016
Left home Sept 4, 2016 - living with parents
H filed for D - July 24, 2017
D final March 14, 2018 - still living at parent's house

“You've seen my descent, now watch my rising.”
― Jalaluddin Rumi

Offline stillbaffled

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Re: The transformative power of love
« Reply #14 on: February 06, 2018, 07:50:39 PM »

  On Sunday, he even noted that it didn't seem right for HIM to have had such a wonderful weekend on MY birthday.  lol


Sounds like a guy that has found just the right gal to enjoy life with.  Glad you had a great birthday weekend. 
BD: 1/1/16
Together 15 years - married 7 years
His divorce final 7/26/16
Married the OW

After all, tomorrow is another day.

Offline beyondblessedTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: The transformative power of love
« Reply #15 on: February 07, 2018, 05:21:03 AM »

  On Sunday, he even noted that it didn't seem right for HIM to have had such a wonderful weekend on MY birthday.  lol


Sounds like a guy that has found just the right gal to enjoy life with.  Glad you had a great birthday weekend.

Yes, SB, we are very good together.  I am so blessed that he found me.  We certainly do enjoy and make the most of our time when we get together.   ;)  No games, no lies, no cheating.  The only kind of relationship and man that will ever be worthy of what I bring to the party.

Offline beyondblessedTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: The transformative power of love
« Reply #16 on: August 04, 2018, 03:30:33 PM »
Hey, y'all, it's been a long while and life has been rolling on ever since.  When I left the board back in February, I was in a relationship that I truly cherished.  Issues surrounding his family, mainly his children and xw, brought that relationship to an end rather abruptly, but just like the runaway wasband, I knew as much as I cared for this man, there wasn't anything I was going to do but let him live his life and his choices.

We still speak on occasion, but I keep it brief, as moving on has always meant not returning to what was, but rather celebrating what is yet to come.  And, boy, have I made things happen since February!  You may recall I started the Ketogenic diet back in January...and it has paid off.  I am in bodybuilding form, jacked as the men at the gym say...and my new man, yes, another budding romance....lol

I am seriously considering looking into becoming a certified trainer and nutrition/fitness coach, as just with this, I aspire to help others build and shape their lives in the best ways possible.  My diet is on point now more consistently than ever, and for those of you who tag along on FB, I am sure you are sick of all the transformation photos, but they do keep me on track and seeing the progress, where I otherwise wouldn't.  My training is hard and heavy and to the point....just like everything else in life these days.  I get exactly out of it what I put into it.  It is passion personified, and you can see it firsthand on FB.  Shortly I will be starting my own fitness page on IG, as well.

I am still rocking the braces, but they are about to disappear in another few months and yet another part of my inside-out transformation will be checked off the list.  Next up, another piece of ink art, without a doubt fitness related.  Another FB unveiling in the making, I'm sure.

Now, to the part of midlife dating....OMG!!    There is so much to it, that man, oh man, I never could or would have imagined.  Some of these men are complete train wrecks.  Makes me seriously wtf happened to make them this way.  Surely not all of them can be so dysfunctional and personality disordered??
I say that, but damned if they don't keep showing some kind of crazy and red flags in just "normal" conversation.  I just walk immediately these days.  I've learned enough to know that once crazy shows....it just gets crazier and that's a firm NO from me straightaway.

New Guy (NG) seems....and I'm treading lightly here, seems ok so far.  Pretty laid back, devoted to his kids, but still some drama from xw, so I'm definitely laying back myself, still focusing on what I'm after and keeping my options open to every possibility. 

I still practice self care and self love every chance I get.  I mediate daily, practice and commit random acts of kindness on a regular basis, and have now started to treat myself to spa visits about every 6-8 weeks.  To say that my life was turned completely around at my awakening would be an understatement.  In my wildest dreams, I could never have imagined a life so filled with happiness, blessings and such an overwhelming abundance of gratitude.....and all without the runaway wasband....never!  But, here it is, and it just keeps getting better.  So, as always, I will end by encouraging you all to move forward from this and create a life worthy of YOU.  Do not ever waste a single minute worrying about anyone who could just walk away.  That's not what love does.  Love stays, nutures, grows, and matures.  Love never fails.  Fear fails.  Cowardice fails.  Selfishness fails.  Love stays the course until the end.

Offline beyondblessedTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: The transformative power of love
« Reply #17 on: November 12, 2018, 03:56:05 PM »
Update time  ;D  Nearing the 3 year mark post-Awakening, and it has been 3 years of steady, unfailing growth.  Life truly has never been better, and that reality seems to sneak up on me at the damnedest times...like this morning, as I enjoyed my coffee in the peaceful, quiet solitude of MY kitchen, in MY house.  Not a hint of my pre-Awakening life exists, except for the random and most unfortunate run-ind with the outlaws.  Funny thing is, I don't even think they recognize this new, badass bodybuilder.  Either that, or they really are just self-absorbed, clueless nitwits.  Probably a little of both.

My passion for all things fitness, health and nutrition continues to grow and spur me forward.  I am working to become a CPT  (certified personal trainer) and wellness and nutrition coach, in hopes of helping others overcome the obstacles preventing them from reaching their goals and true potential.  Never in my life did I think I would ever be a coach, motivator, inspirer, and get paid for sharing my absolute love of body transformation, along with mind and spirit.

Another goal I am working towards is making my own way onto the stage in figure competing.  At the moment I am eating like a horse and lifting like a beast in an attempt to pack on beautiful muscle, which I start carving at the 1st of the year, when the diet will change again to suit that new goal. 

It boggles my mind just how much change has happened all because I stopped believing a lie, and started believing in myself again.  This life is beautiful and positive, and it's all thanks to my willingness to let go of the past and embrace a future of my own making.  I hope this gives some of you the strength and courage to do the same for yourselves.

Offline stillbaffled

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Re: The transformative power of love
« Reply #18 on: November 12, 2018, 04:01:19 PM »
You are rockin' life in a big way, BB! 

Hope you'll continue to take a few minutes periodically to update here. 
BD: 1/1/16
Together 15 years - married 7 years
His divorce final 7/26/16
Married the OW

After all, tomorrow is another day.

Offline KeepItTogether

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Re: The transformative power of love
« Reply #19 on: November 12, 2018, 04:35:24 PM »
Beyond I think this new career path you have chosen suits you well. You are already a motivator to many on this site. And your bangin bod is a reflection of your hard work and perseverance.  I like that you use the word "Awakening". I still feel a bit in the fog. But maybe knowing that is where I am presently will help me move forward.

Anyway, thanks for the update. And for being so inspirational.
Me 48
H 47
S12
BD 5/16
H Moved out 6/16
OW--yes. Worked for H. EA turned into PA while I was in chemo. On again/off again like every high school romance

Offline beyondblessedTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: The transformative power of love
« Reply #20 on: January 12, 2019, 06:37:37 PM »
So here we are in 2019.  Some of my long-time soul sisters have chosen our "words" for 2019.  Last year mine was "slay",  and I killed it.   2018 was an amazing and enlightening year for me.   I grew figuratively and literally.... best shape of my life on every level.   I am a boss and I owned it.

2019, I've chosen the word " Passionate " because passion is the fuel of my soul,  and if it doesn't sing to my soul,  it won't have my attention in 2019.  My main focus continues to be me and my growth,  as usual.  I've become so accustomed to loving myself and treating myself to the things I adore and cherish,  that I just cannot imagine it any other way.

I am 100% focused on my fitness career and building a following to go along with it.   That is the #1 goal,  as is continuing to train for competition either this summer or fall.  Bodybuilding is such a scientific and structured process.   It requires so much research,  dedication,  and discipline,  but the end result is something which you've built with your own two hands, and the amount of effort you put into it is exactly what you get out of it.

Some of my gym squad tribe and I are making plans to do a Vegas competition,  which will be completely epic,  if we are able pinpoint a show date that would fit all our training schedules. Still amazing to me how this crazy process of MLC brought me to this point.   Living,  laughing,  lifting,  and loving through every minute of it.

My awakening to MLC will be 3 years in a couple short weeks.   I scarcely think about the life I was living back then,  as it just seems irrelevant to the life I'm living now.   I am so much happier,  healthier,  and more focused and successful than I've ever been,  and looking back just serves to remind me that all along I deserved better.   I am one of the few on here still that considers what has happened to be a blessing in disguise,  and everyday is a new chance to make life even better.


Offline in it

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Re: The transformative power of love
« Reply #21 on: January 12, 2019, 06:52:12 PM »
I do too
A long time coming... a blessing in disguise.
There are two ways of spreading light:
Be the candle; or the mirror that reflects it

Don't ask why someone is still hurting you; ask why you keep letting them.

At some point you have to get sick of going through the same sh!t.

Women are NOT rehabilitation centers for badly raised men. It is not your job to fix ,parent, raise or change him.
You want a partner not a project.

Offline stillbaffled

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Re: The transformative power of love
« Reply #22 on: January 12, 2019, 07:19:49 PM »
You are absolutely rocking life right now, my friend. 

You have accomplished much and continue to excel and live life to the fullest. 

I passed the three year mark and am now into year four.  While I can't say that I find what happened to me a blessing I can say that life is nowhere near the horrible, destitute life I lived all of 2016. 

I am grateful for your friendship and your encouragement as I continue on in my journey.   Contentment is my word for 2019 and I believe I can get there. 

Thanks for the update!   
BD: 1/1/16
Together 15 years - married 7 years
His divorce final 7/26/16
Married the OW

After all, tomorrow is another day.

Offline KeepItTogether

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Re: The transformative power of love
« Reply #23 on: January 13, 2019, 07:18:44 AM »
You are indeed rocking your life Byond. Truly an inspiration to many of us.
Me 48
H 47
S12
BD 5/16
H Moved out 6/16
OW--yes. Worked for H. EA turned into PA while I was in chemo. On again/off again like every high school romance

Offline beyondblessedTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: The transformative power of love
« Reply #24 on: January 13, 2019, 02:54:27 PM »
KIT and SB,  it is so good to be able to share this journey with you.   I am so honored to be an inspiration to you because before this new life,  my old self was anything but inspirational.   She was angry at the world and in a relationship that was slowly killing her.  The saddest part,  is that I would most likely still be her,  had my awakening not occurred because I was not the type to abandon anything,  even if it was hurting me.

The betrayal of trust in the way my marriage ended was the final nail in that coffin.   That is something that can never be retrieved or revived.  It was disgusting, cowardly, and indefensible.   All the reasons that I urge other LBS to find themselves within the rubble and destruction.  One life,  that of the abandoner,  is already destroyed by the weight of lies and dishonor,  but the life of the LBS is just waiting to begin and thrive,  if only they can take the opportunities and make the most of them.   

Sometimes, walking away in the other direction is the only choice.  I am not even a shadow of the person I was 3 years ago.   My physical appearance has changed so drastically that people who haven't seen me since then have their jaws dropping in awe.   My social life is one I never dreamed of having.   Dating at this age has been a trip and as many of you know,  I date A LOT.   lol   I'm not looking to be tied down again or to lose these freedoms I've enjoyed growing these last 3 years.   I've been given a 2nd opportunity to create a happy,  content and fulfilled life,  and I just refuse to squander that by trying to drag the past into the present.


Offline barbiedoll

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Re: The transformative power of love
« Reply #25 on: January 13, 2019, 03:20:24 PM »
Just some curious thoughts cross my mind when I read this and I just wanted to share ...

Quote
The betrayal of trust in the way my marriage ended was the final nail in that coffin.   That is something that can never be retrieved or revived.  It was disgusting, cowardly, and indefensible.   All the reasons that I urge other LBS to find themselves within the rubble and destruction.  One life,  that of the abandoner,  is already destroyed by the weight of lies and dishonor,  but the life of the LBS is just waiting to begin and thrive,  if only they can take the opportunities and make the most of them.   
.

Struggling to find the exact wording to my quandry, but I shall try . "The betrayal of trust " was the final nail. I can without question understand this . So, I guess the question is :  There must be some innate differences internally between the "stander" ( who also has felt this extreme betrayal of trust) and those that see this as the last and final blow to their marriage. Is it personalities? Life experiences? . Why can some attempt to rise above and others are just at the end?   Maybe the marriage was not so good in the 1st place?   I wonder about this . I am likely the "confused " one here ...but I agree with everything in me that "the betrayal of trust " , killed it stone dead, never to be revived , over. I do not believe ( only talking for myself) that the trust will NEVER be regained. And that is where I will feel the safest . I never intend to even try to trust him ...I do not WANT to ever trust that way again.  My marriage was destroyed, dead, over , wanted nothing but a divorce . And then , oddly, there is this force or voice or knowing ...that I do not WANT  to WANT my marriage to be over . HUH?    Who can remotely follow that strange logic?.  I admire the direction you are going ....and YOU !
« Last Edit: January 13, 2019, 03:23:09 PM by barbiedoll »
Married April 1985
5 children
Bomb Drop April 2013
Thrown out of house August 2013
Affair discovered November 2013 (i guessed who)
Home December 3 2013
The Journey Of Reconciliation .. is for the brave .

Anger is like a candle in the wind ... it blows out the light of all reason.

Offline beyondblessedTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: The transformative power of love
« Reply #26 on: January 14, 2019, 02:44:26 AM »
Barbie,  I can't speak for anyone but myself on the issue of trust.   For me,  personally,  it is the foundation of the relationship along with respect.   Everything else is built upon those two aspects.   Without trust,  there is no relationship.   Period.   My marriage was like most,  some good,  some bad.   We both contributed to it,  but ultimately his choices ended it for good.

I do have the the type of personality to keep going,  to keep fighting because I'm no quitter.   I knew I'd done as much as I could or would to make my marriage work,  but one person cannot save what is a mutual venture.

Life before was constant drama and angst.  The biggest thing I've realized by being on my own and fully taking care of ME is that back then I was struggling BECAUSE of him,  not with him.   That realization is with me everyday I wake up in peace without the burdening anxiety of the "what will happen with him today"  mentality.   It is just quiet and peace and a contented heart.

Offline in it

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Re: The transformative power of love
« Reply #27 on: January 14, 2019, 05:48:49 AM »
BB
I can relate to your entire last paragraph.
Well written. :)
There are two ways of spreading light:
Be the candle; or the mirror that reflects it

Don't ask why someone is still hurting you; ask why you keep letting them.

At some point you have to get sick of going through the same sh!t.

Women are NOT rehabilitation centers for badly raised men. It is not your job to fix ,parent, raise or change him.
You want a partner not a project.

Offline barbiedoll

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Re: The transformative power of love
« Reply #28 on: January 14, 2019, 06:20:48 AM »
I do understand your response and thanks for doing so. I imagine your are not remotely a "quitter". And I am not sure I even see it as quitting necessarily but more about growing , changing and accepting that a new way is likely a better way for yourself . I still struggle ( imagine?) with staying in this marriage or leaving and "growing"-forward on my own. I have never ever reached a solid decision about that and can go back and forth ...painfully so. So, I am always curious when I see someone has made a solid decision and acts on it. Good for you.  It is not "wrong" either way. I realize more and more that loss of respect is a huge issue for me .

Quote
I was struggling BECAUSE of him,  not with him.
.

That is a profound realization. Food for thought for me. Thanks so much for sharing .
Married April 1985
5 children
Bomb Drop April 2013
Thrown out of house August 2013
Affair discovered November 2013 (i guessed who)
Home December 3 2013
The Journey Of Reconciliation .. is for the brave .

Anger is like a candle in the wind ... it blows out the light of all reason.

Offline beyondblessedTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: The transformative power of love
« Reply #29 on: January 14, 2019, 11:32:00 AM »
Barbie... Just another thought to ponder... What is it that you fear will happen if you do walk away?   That you will succeed and thrive beyond what you even thought possible or that your marriage truly is irreparably damaged and he will just let you leave without a second thought?   Or is it something entirely different that keeps you there?

I'm not judging.   I just wonder what is at the root of you staying?

Offline Dumbfounded

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Re: The transformative power of love
« Reply #30 on: January 15, 2019, 10:41:14 AM »
Beyond, so wonderful to have an update from you!!

I realized long ago, from another situation, that trust is like gas in a car. Without it you can sit in the car all you want but it is not going anywhere. And so when the trust was broken in my marriage around BD, I realized pretty quick that unless he came forward to try to repair the broken trust I was getting out of a marriage that was going nowhere. But Lord it is hard and you have to drag your poor broken, sobbing heart around after your head for a very long time. 

I spent the allotted time after BD examining the OW and trying to figure out what she had that I didn't. Why did he pick her over me??  And I came to some pretty startling realization after some time.  OW, who tried to steal my life, actually only managed to steel the one thing that held be back the most  - my H.   Things became easier to accomplish after LB bolted - there was no ball and chain around my leg objecting and forgetting and refusing...  a world of possibilities opened up paint colors, furniture, vacations, lifestyle choices were all on the table.  And yes, the things I was struggling with were BECAUSE of him. I learned in IC that LB's constant "forgetting" the milk, to call the repairman, to find a babysitter so we could have a date night, to call home, to help all of which left me scrambling last minute to fix all the "forgotten" things was abusive and unkind behavior.  And then the OW taking my H became a joke among my friends - well, now that OW has LB to help her .... Bahahaha!

The other thing I learned is that LB didn't discard me for something better... he discarded me for someone who couldn't see his BS.  He didn't want to change or grow or become a better person. He wanted someone who would put up with his BS because I wasn't going to do it anymore.  That was eye opening.

In my time on HS, I haven't found one quitter.  We may all chose different paths but Lord we are the kindest, most compassion, strongest group of people I have ever found on this planet. Standing is no joke... my brother is back home now and that struggle is real. Those triggers are painful and the healing is going to  take time amid a lot of uncertainty.  Unconditional love of another person is bada$$. 

But those who choose to move on... that is no easy task either. Facing a void alone, letting go of everything you have known is scary stuff.   I had to look in the mirror one day and realize I was terrified to succeed. I had no idea that was even a thing ... afraid to succeed? How stupid is that??  But I was... and I still am most days. It was easier to sit on the bathroom floor and feel sorry for myself.... at least I understand that.

But in either scenario, you have to let go of everything you have ever known before and be willing to walk through the next door of your life alone and start over again with something new.                 
« Last Edit: January 15, 2019, 10:44:17 AM by Dumbfounded »
Married 1998
MLC H 48
LBS W 47
D16, S12
BD March, 2016
Left home Sept 4, 2016 - living with parents
H filed for D - July 24, 2017
D final March 14, 2018 - still living at parent's house

“You've seen my descent, now watch my rising.”
― Jalaluddin Rumi

Offline Tyks

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Re: The transformative power of love
« Reply #31 on: January 15, 2019, 10:57:49 AM »
Great post, DF.  All of that really resonated with me. Thank you.
Me 49
Him 49
22 years together - Married 20
BD1 - August 26, 2016 - ILYBINILWY
BD 2 - August 28, 2016 - OW discovered EA - Kicked him out
D16 D19
April 2017 - Legal Separation Agreement
August 2017 - I filed for divorce
Divorce final February 12 2018

Offline sada

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Re: The transformative power of love
« Reply #32 on: January 15, 2019, 11:04:53 AM »
Hello beyondblessed. I only want to add that I love the title of your thread.
I was very moved by your update. 

I shared this on my own thread.

Quote
Beyondblessed has updated her thread. It's titled "the transformative power of love".
It's very encouraging & uplifting & positive & I feel it exudes self-love.

Thank you.
« Last Edit: January 15, 2019, 11:19:06 AM by sada »
Sada
Me - 57
H - 56
Married 13 years, together 23
Apr 2014: PA discovered, ow 22 yrs younger
May 2014: "I love her & she loves me"
("But I'll always love you the most")
Jun 2014: Left home to live w OW
Aug 2014: Back home. "Sorry, made mistakes".
Late 2015: Ow2 (a couple of dates I think). Monster
  returned for several months 
Early 2016: Health scare, including major surgery, resulting in fog lifting some more.
Today: H progressing thru mlc positively.Mostly cooked, has remained home and reconciling
Arguments & disagreements very infrequent
Enjoying our time together

Offline beyondblessedTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: The transformative power of love
« Reply #33 on: January 15, 2019, 04:24:13 PM »
DF.... I was told one thing early on that still stocks, with me:  They (the abandoner)  don't look for someone better than us,  they look for someone worse than themselves.   If that wasn't a light bulb moment for me, then I wasn't paying attention.   Of course they are just as bad as the abandoner,  lies,  cheating,  and a host of other immoral misdeeds... Who in their right mind would take up with someone like that?   Not a person I'd want an intimate relationship with.... EVER.

We were all put in a damned if you do/don't position when they walked away.   Standing comes at a price,  as does walking away on your own.   Like you DF,  I am thriving and growing in ways I never did or could have.   In 16 years of marriage,  I never had any growth and when I did start asserting change and growth,  the awakening happened.   A part of now realizes that xh saw this movement as a threat to his need of being in control.   Enter OW,  gullible,  clueless and dumb and weak enough to stay under his thumb.   Bullseye,  new target and someone as you say, who could not see his bull$h!te.

The problems start when the stupid wears off and things are seen for what they are.... a bunch of lies spun to look like a fairytale web of bliss and destined soulmates.    ::)    From then on,  until they crash and burn or simply resign themselves to the misery they've created to save face rather than admit they firetrucked up,  they furiously bail water from the sinking ship just to keep it afloat.   Bliss,  right?   lol

Sada.... thank you so much for joining in.   My journey is far from typical to most you will hear about,  which is why I feel it is so imperative to share.   There is life after this,  no matter what you choose.   Your happiness is dependent upon you,  so if you are miserable,  you better do something to change that.  Did I ever imagine a life without my xh??  Hell no.   I thought we had been through so many storms and survived that we'd be together til one of us died.   Problem was,  we weathered those storms as individuals, separately.   At the end of the day..and ultimately the marriage,  there was only a him and a me,  no us.

Offline hopeandfaith

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Re: The transformative power of love
« Reply #34 on: January 15, 2019, 05:51:45 PM »
I am loving this conversation ladies.  So empowering.
BD's in May 09, Sept 12 - suspected OW
Left home Jan 12 2013
OW confirmed Feb 2013
Moved home April 11 2014
BD again in April 2017 - clinging. 
Moved out July 2017
D19, D17 and S15

Offline beyondblessedTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: The transformative power of love
« Reply #35 on: January 16, 2019, 12:08:17 PM »
H&F,  so glad you are drawing strength from this conversation.   That is my sole purpose,  my one aim from all of this destruction:  to show the way to contentment and happiness, without a reunion with the abandoner.   All too often the LBS seems to stay stuck,  with wheels firmly entrenched in the mud.   We all have the ability to kick our lives into 4-wheel drive,  mash the gas,  and let the mud fly in glorious fashion.   You just have to decide you are worthy of so much more than you've settled.   Once you get to the point of giving yourself the grace and love that the abandoner was incapable of,  I can guarantee you will only ever look back to see how far you've come on your own.   Self love brings healing,  healing brings strength and confidence,  and strength and confidence bring growth.   When you grow,  you automatically shift to a new level in all areas of your life.  That's why it is extremely difficult to reunite successfully with the abandoner..... because in a weird way,  you've now left them far behind in the mud puddle they created.

Offline KeepItTogether

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Re: The transformative power of love
« Reply #36 on: January 16, 2019, 02:02:40 PM »
Self love brings healing,  healing brings strength and confidence,  and strength and confidence bring growth.   When you grow,  you automatically shift to a new level in all areas of your life.  That's why it is extremely difficult to reunite successfully with the abandoner..... because in a weird way,  you've now left them far behind in the mud puddle they created.

THIS!!!  It's funny Beyond. I just had a conversation with H a couple nights ago. It was so one-sided. All him. So self-involved. So childish the way he was blaming everyone for everything bad in his life. I was thinking to myself, "Why would I want to be in a relationship with this person EVER?" The truth is, I don't. Not the person he is now. But that is who he is now.   
Me 48
H 47
S12
BD 5/16
H Moved out 6/16
OW--yes. Worked for H. EA turned into PA while I was in chemo. On again/off again like every high school romance

Online Treasur

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Re: The transformative power of love
« Reply #37 on: January 16, 2019, 02:17:12 PM »
I do think this is a point many LBS reach. The MLCer just offers nothing appealing at all. Our spouse did and we hang on to that for quite a while but eventually we just get fed up with the MLC stuff and drop the rope. Time will show I suppose both if we feel any connection to the pre-mlc version that lasts long enough or if they shows signs of any more appealing post-mlc version.
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline beyondblessedTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: The transformative power of love
« Reply #38 on: January 16, 2019, 03:08:09 PM »
Treasur....I do agree.   Most will seek to move on to bigger and better pursuits.   Some may decide to resume some type of relationship with the abandoner,  more likely I would have to say if they are bound by children,  but not necessarily,  or they may just fly so high,  the abandoner will never have a chance of reaching them.   I know 100% I'm in the latter category.   I'd never give him so much as a 2nd glance now.  Not because I harbor hate against him,  but simply because I'm way out of his league.   The new me is only interested in men punching within their weight class.
« Last Edit: January 16, 2019, 03:10:55 PM by beyondblessed »

Offline beyondblessedTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: The transformative power of love
« Reply #39 on: January 16, 2019, 05:54:49 PM »
Self love brings healing,  healing brings strength and confidence,  and strength and confidence bring growth.   When you grow,  you automatically shift to a new level in all areas of your life.  That's why it is extremely difficult to reunite successfully with the abandoner..... because in a weird way,  you've now left them far behind in the mud puddle they created.

THIS!!!  It's funny Beyond. I just had a conversation with H a couple nights ago. It was so one-sided. All him. So self-involved. So childish the way he was blaming everyone for everything bad in his life. I was thinking to myself, "Why would I want to be in a relationship with this person EVER?" The truth is, I don't. Not the person he is now. But that is who he is now.


Exactly my point, KIT!  At some point,  you have to accept that they are not the people we once saw them as being.   The vile people they are now attract the vile people they associate with,  and as DF so astutely stated "Show me your friends,  and I'll show you your future".  Is it any wonder so many of them land face first in rock bottom?

Offline tothestars

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Re: The transformative power of love
« Reply #40 on: January 17, 2019, 09:07:23 PM »
Ahhhh sister your words......determined and passionate and I’m so damn proud of you!!!  I love you dearly.....and man oh man have we grown into our potential and then took that glass ceiling and smashed it!!! ♥️♥️♥️

You show us all each day what a fierce amazing woman you are! 
Me: 41
Ex H: 45

MLC started 2013-2014. BD x3 Jan-March 2017. EA confirmed.
He’s playing house with his much younger girlfriend and raising her kids while I am out living life on my Harley! 
PROUDLY AND HAPPILY DIVORCED

Offline beyondblessedTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: The transformative power of love
« Reply #41 on: January 20, 2019, 07:08:51 AM »
TTS.... We really have grown into two badass,  fearless women... you the Harley riding bikerbabe taking the most amazing rides and snapping the most beautiful memories along the way,  and me, the iron pumping goddess, rocking the sweetest leggings, surrounded by mirrors and buff men.   Not a bad deal for either one of us,  I must say.   Just when I think life couldn't get any better,  it somehow keeps right on growing with each level up.

I'm now a firm believer that our thoughts most definitely attract the life we imagine.  Once I ditched that negative mindset that was the mood of a large part my past with the abandoner, great things happened and have continued to this day.  Still,  I find it so strange and surreal that nearly everyone I've met and continue to meet, compliments me on my positivity and inspirational qualities.   That NEVER happen while I was married.   And,  I don't have to wonder why.   That's exactly what I meant when I said I struggled BECAUSE of him,  not with him.   Life was hard back then,  choking on the constant negativity and angry vibe that seemed overshadow every other emotion.

Now,  it's just me vibing in peace, love, positivity and still some hope that maybe there's a man out there that will recognize and appreciate this same vibe and be enchanted enough to talk to the badass hottie looking amazing in those leggings.  He's going to have to be amazing, but,  hey,  it could happen.    ;D

Offline beyondblessedTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: The transformative power of love
« Reply #42 on: May 27, 2019, 02:27:18 PM »
So, here I am again with another update on navigating life after a marital mess of lesson learning.  In about 6 weeks time,  I will be 3 years divorced,  and 3.5 years post awakening or what most probably still refer to as "bomb drop".  That's a term I still cannot proclaim because that to me describes devastation,  destruction,  and death.   Those are all very true descriptions for what happened to the marriage and life "back then",  but they never had one single thing to do with the new life emerging from that wreckage.  Mine.

That new life started immediately,  as there was nothing left but a bit of shocked mourning for the decisions the abandoner had made.   I quickly came to realize though,  that even though it all seemed so sudden,  all of those choices and decisions had months and years of planning and full knowledge of everything behind them, the abandoner knew exactly what he was doing.... it was just hidden from ME. 

Fast forward through all the growth that has happened since I divorced.   And yes, even though I initially made the gigantic mistake of trying to avoid divorce,  I DID make the choice to divorce him.  It may have been him initiating it,  but I was me accepting and full-on choosing to terminate any future connection to him.

As with every update since,  life continues to roll on strong and steady.  The braces have been gone for about 7 weeks and I love rocking this new, beautiful, brilliant smile.   I have dated,  and continue to date,  although now I have a much better and more specific idea of whom I will even allow to spend time with me.  Yes,  my time, my values, my priorities,  everything that makes me, me.... that's what I cherish and that's what my boundaries protect.  I no longer give "everyone" a chance... right or wrong,  I decide whether or not a person "fits" my ideals..  and if they don't,  they are gone,  baby,  gone.

Life has a new and much deeper meaning now,  and none of this would have ever happened,  had the abandoner stayed the original course and done what he'd promised.  It's difficult to stay locked up and tied to the past,  when the present and future hold so much more than the past ever could have.   The abandoner never tried to come close to his full potential as a person back then,  so no growth was ever going to happen.  N   By my own choice, I am still have absolutely no contact with him, and as far as I'm concerned,  I never will.   He was given the opportunity to step up and do the right thing concerning one more legal matter at the beginning of the year,  that could have been so easily resolved,  but nah,  he's still the same ol' abandoner and coward he was back then.   So, now I'm off to seek my lawyer one more time to put out one last fire he started,  but didn't finish.  I had thought enough had passed for him to man up,  but I guess I'd known all along he didn't have it in him or maybe I'd have held that rope a little longer.   I'm just happy as hell I didn't waste anymore time on a person incapable of changing for the better.  He is who he is, and he has absolutely no idea of this person who I have fought so hard to regain, but he's about to find out,  one last time.

There are so many truths that we are told in are "welcome" to this site:  Time really is your best friend... use it wisely to grow and move YOURSELF forward.   Whatever relationship you had or thought you had is DEAD.   Sure,  if the stars align just perfectly,  you may have the opportunity to build a new relationship, which leads to the fact, that YOU will be the one to decide if a reconciliation is going to take place,  not them.
You may have been the one left standing at the end of your marriage, but in reality,  you were the only one standing all along.  Once you truly love yourself,  you will never,  ever settle for anything or anyone who cannot or will not do the same.

Offline stillbaffled

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Re: The transformative power of love
« Reply #43 on: May 27, 2019, 03:23:55 PM »
Another great update from you, BB! 

Indeed, you are living life big and moving forward at a fabulous pace. 

Hope the visit with the lawyer gets you where you need to be and the "issue" is soon taken care of. 
BD: 1/1/16
Together 15 years - married 7 years
His divorce final 7/26/16
Married the OW

After all, tomorrow is another day.

Offline beyondblessedTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: The transformative power of love
« Reply #44 on: May 27, 2019, 04:21:54 PM »
Still,  the issue is trivial and could be solved in a matter of minutes with a simple signature,  but no,  it has to be turned into a legal ordeal by someone with the emotional capacity of a rock.  Everything still has to be full of useless drama and angst.  Continues to make me ever grateful and blessed that this is not my everyday life anymore, and now this behavior is someone else's problem.  That's the only karma I need.  The law can take care of the rest.

Offline Mortesbride

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Re: The transformative power of love
« Reply #45 on: May 28, 2019, 05:47:41 AM »
Just came across your thread. Very interesting take on it all. :)
You know this is MLC when you have played emotional hot potato with a pair of crotch-less tights.

Offline Dumbfounded

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Re: The transformative power of love
« Reply #46 on: May 28, 2019, 10:36:15 AM »
Always love me a Beyond update. I am sorry you have to go one more legal round with your manchild. I hope it is a simple, drama free fix for you.         
Married 1998
MLC H 48
LBS W 47
D16, S12
BD March, 2016
Left home Sept 4, 2016 - living with parents
H filed for D - July 24, 2017
D final March 14, 2018 - still living at parent's house

“You've seen my descent, now watch my rising.”
― Jalaluddin Rumi

Offline beyondblessedTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: The transformative power of love
« Reply #47 on: May 28, 2019, 04:58:54 PM »
DF.... I offered a resolution gracefully and tactfully... which just shows how much I've grown through all of this pointless nonsense.   Sure,  the urge to b!tc# slap him upside his fool head was there,  but I chose to be the bigger person I am.   He's old news and is either trying to maintain this very last shred of attachment or he's still a huge coward and still cannot man up to his choices.   Either way,  I don't care.   I just want my document signed and his name removed from it,  so I can permanently remove him from my life.

Lord knows, it's all about me now.  He is nothing more than a petty annoyance.  Still trying to make everyone miserable because he wants some company there.   Sorry, bud, this girl has her friends,  her gym bros, and her family.   She has ZERO interest in entertaining misery of any sort.  And hanging with losers is a definite no.

Offline beyondblessedTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: The transformative power of love
« Reply #48 on: June 02, 2019, 12:41:35 PM »
Just came across your thread. Very interesting take on it all. :)

It's a far different take than most on here.   I've always stood for myself and my beliefs,  values,  and sense of self respect and self worth.   What you allow and how you allow people to treat you will continue,  so if you don't like it,  you had better do something to change the dynamic.

Nothing more, nothing less.

Offline readytofixmyselffirst

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Re: The transformative power of love
« Reply #49 on: June 03, 2019, 05:06:48 AM »
Hello.

Quote
Still,  the issue is trivial and could be solved in a matter of minutes with a simple signature,  but no,  it has to be turned into a legal ordeal by someone with the emotional capacity of a rock.

I still have just one issue from my divorce and she won't sign or move on it. The funny thing is it is to her benefit. So mine has the same emotional capacity of a rock and the mental capacity to match.

Quote
What you allow and how you allow people to treat you will continue,  so if you don't like it,  you had better do something to change the dynamic.

Great point and time after time, I am glad that there is someone to remind me. Unless you make changes, why should anyone around you want to change?

Great post and great to hear that you are living your life. Have an awesome day!

Ready

"Always look in the mirror and love what you see."

Offline beyondblessedTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: The transformative power of love
« Reply #50 on: June 03, 2019, 02:53:20 PM »
Hello,  Ready,  we've not met yet,  but once upon a time... say 3 years ago at my awakening aka "bomb drop"... I was quite the black sheep of this MLC fodder.   I'd have to say my views of it have ruffled more than a few feathers,  but as they say,  it is what it is.

While I hate what this done to the LBS and their children (blessedly,  I never had any with my xh),  there comes a point when the past needs to left to itself.   Yes,  we all grieve and heal at our own individual pace,  but all you have to do is read thru thread upon thread of those LBS who cling just as hard the MLC'er to something long gone.   

That never was and never will be me.   I realized early into this bs that what I deserved was so much more than I'd ever gotten and I've never looked back since.   I've made the most of my life since that blessedly disguised day back in January 2016, and to be honest,  though I could have never predicted it then,  my life has never been better.   But,  it didn't happen by chance,  it happened by CHOICE.   I took responsibility for what was mine and I moved the firetruck forward with it.

None of us knew what was coming,  but those who lashed out against us sure as hell did.   And, to see so many LBS still here year upon years later and still trying to figure things out breaks my heart.   Boundaries are so vitally important because it is true.... if you let people walk all over you,  that is exactly what they will do... over and over,  until you tell them to firetruck off and cut the cord with them.   Too many come here with the hope that their marriages can be whole again.   I know I did,  but thank God everyday that most of those here then (well still here now)  told of such horrible deeds and despicable behavior from their MLC'er that I knew I would never look at mine the same; that there was no way in hell I'd ever be able to reconcile that kind of outright abuse and disrespect.  That's when I started standing for myself.

I hope you are able to resolve your matters quickly and easily.
I've since resumed my love of fitness and am an aspiring bodybuilder,  so I'm sure my xh wants no part of me anytime soon.   I can now deadlift and bench press far above his scrawny ass weight,  so it would be wise for him just to do the right thing for once and just sign on the dotted line like he should have 3 years ago when he created this mess.

Offline Mortesbride

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Re: The transformative power of love
« Reply #51 on: June 04, 2019, 05:27:32 AM »
I've made the most of my life since that blessedly disguised day back in January 2016, and to be honest,  though I could have never predicted it then,  my life has never been better.   But,  it didn't happen by chance,  it happened by CHOICE.   I took responsibility for what was mine and I moved the firetruck forward with it.

Boundaries are so vitally important because it is true.... if you let people walk all over you,  that is exactly what they will do... over and over,  until you tell them to firetruck off and cut the cord with them. 

Great points for everyone, regardless if they are standing for their marriage or not. :)
You know this is MLC when you have played emotional hot potato with a pair of crotch-less tights.

Offline beyondblessedTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: The transformative power of love
« Reply #52 on: June 04, 2019, 02:00:37 PM »
Morte,  I can see both sides here.   Part of me wanted to save my marriage,  at least initially.   I suggested counseling,  thinking we could improve in many areas,  but that's before all the skeletons started falling from the closet.   Never in a million years would I have thought him capable of the things he was doing,  but I was so naive.   His dad,  uncles,  cousins.... all messed up with affairs and addictions.   It is, a pattern and cycle that just keeps repeating.   One huge reason I'm so glad we never had kids now.   I would have hated from them to have been cursed with those genes and dispositions.

And,  I will admit,  xh had a horrible upbringing.   From what I've heard since the Day,  xh and his siblings lived in a war zone with two very narrcicistic parents.   I knew it wasn't good,  but never knew how bad until the youngest brother,  who had already had multiple affairs before our divorce,  left his own wife and teen daughter less than a year after xh bailed on me.   His xw,  my former SIL,  then told me everything he'd ever told her.   It truly sickened and horrified me.   I had no idea of the hell it actually was because xh only once eluded to some abuse.... and he never mentioned it again in the 18 years we were together.   So,  I can feel sympathy for xh because of that,  but he's a grown man now.   He could have chosen to be moral, responsible, decent,  faithful.... yada, yada, yada,  but he didn't.   He chose the coward's path of least resistance and ran like the rest.  In an instant,  I lost every shred of respect I ever had for him.   There's no way I could ever look at him the same, and the fact that 3 years later he's still the same ahole makes me just pity him.  He was the one out of his lunatic family that had the best potential for success, and like an idiot, he threw it all away.

Offline stillbaffled

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Re: The transformative power of love
« Reply #53 on: June 04, 2019, 02:43:01 PM »
Doesn't January of 2016 seem like a very long time ago?!!  We've come a long way, BB!  I really should update my thread just for posterity sake! 

So how did the legal business go?  If you can't post here, please do send me a PM. 
BD: 1/1/16
Together 15 years - married 7 years
His divorce final 7/26/16
Married the OW

After all, tomorrow is another day.

Offline beyondblessedTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: The transformative power of love
« Reply #54 on: June 05, 2019, 02:07:18 PM »
SB, 3 years ago seems like a different lifetime ago.  It sounds so short, but so much living and thriving has been packed into it, that it feels like light years.  The time has passed and it has been spent so wisely and for the most part carefully and conservatively.  I have learned so much about myself beyond what I thought I already knew.  Those are the sweetest lessons of all.

The brief meeting with my attorney was awesome.  He's such a terrific man, unlike the one I can't get rid of.  He gushed about my transformation and we laughed about the stupidity of xh being afraid to meet me face to face to easily settle this issue.  Then, he told me it was so great to see me smiling and so happy now.  And I really smiled when he said he would take care of this bull$h!te at no charge, though paying him would have been a pleasure just to get rid of xh once and for all.  He kept my document and was going to call the coward to come and sign it.  Can't have beautiful and buff BB there.... that would be too intimidating and traumatizing for the little baby  I mean, not that I blame him.  If I were him I'd stay as far away from the hot, successful xw as possible because too much reality would probably be stroke worthy. lmao  And what he's stuck with now sorely pales in comparison.... not that there is any at all.  Outclassed, outsmarted, out muscled, out hustled you name it, I got it in spades.

As soon as that document is signed, the last tie will be severed.  Oh, he'll still be lurking and stalking through family and friends, but I've got nothing to hide.  What you see, is what you get, and baby, I got it goin on  ;)  He can cower on the ground and watch, while I continue to soar with the eagles.  That'll be fun  ;D  Oh, what a tangled web he's woven for himself.  Couldn't have happened to a nicer guy  ::)

Offline readytofixmyselffirst

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Re: The transformative power of love
« Reply #55 on: June 06, 2019, 06:35:53 AM »
Hello,

Quote
I didn't see my xh leaving as a loss, but a regaining of myself.

This is vital. After bomb drop, I was a complete mess. My self esteem was shot and I was wallowing in pity and self loathing. Couldn't comprehend what was happening to my wife and my family.

Standing gave me time to think and grow. Not for my ex, but for me.

Quote
Boundaries are so vitally important because it is true.... if you let people walk all over you,  that is exactly what they will do... over and over,

Yep, I agree 100%. That was one lesson that I learned from my first marriage. Yes, my MLCer became a monster, but a lot of my behavior by letting her walk all over me for years with no boundaries, helped make that monster. I own that.

Quote
I've since resumed my love of fitness and am an aspiring bodybuilder,

Nice, I love the gym too. I used to run, but my knees are shot. I dated this crazy gal for a short period of time and she got me into Shaun T. I started with T25 and now Insanity Max 30. Helped transform my life. I think exercising and pushing your body helps bring a positive peace to my life. There's a certain exhilaration when you are curling and you feel that burn. You know the feeling and your arms are screaming and you reach your max and then push for one more.

That's living life, not wallowing. That's what we all should be doing.

(((((Ready)))))



"Always look in the mirror and love what you see."

Offline stillbaffled

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Re: The transformative power of love
« Reply #56 on: June 06, 2019, 06:48:16 AM »
Sounds like the legal business will be taken care of in proper fashion!   Excellent news. 

You have really thrived.  Way to go! 
BD: 1/1/16
Together 15 years - married 7 years
His divorce final 7/26/16
Married the OW

After all, tomorrow is another day.

Offline beyondblessedTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: The transformative power of love
« Reply #57 on: June 06, 2019, 02:25:09 PM »
SB..... Yes, I definitely wanted to do it in a way that xh couldn't lie his way out of it.   Sad that's all I think of him after all the years, but he did all of this to himself.  And, thank you, thriving is really a good feeling.  I want others here to see this bull$h!te as an opportunity to grow the firetruck out of their comfort zones and become the people they are truly meant to be.   Had this not happened the way it did, I'd never have moved.  I'd still be bending over backwards for a fool who didn't have the vision to recognize and appreciate the good thing he had.  It's only fitting that he truly has what he deserves now.  That makes me smile  ;D

Ready, a great workout is the best medicine and a not so great workout is the second best.  I'm 46 you and in the best shape of my life. Most people think I'm in my early 30s, so since becoming unburdened by all of this nonsense, I've actually aged in reverse!  That's a damn good feeling!  I've shed so much more than the physical weight because what you acheive all starts in your mind before you even touch that iron.  You have to be mentally strong before you will ever achieve any level of physical fitness.  And my gym bros are the absolute best group of guys... truly like my brothers.  I'm the only woman in the weights area, but I know they all kinda dig it.   ;)    I'm no runner and I know that does take a toll on your knees, but maybe try some light squats?  I'm working on becoming a personal trainer, as well as a certified nutrition coach, so if you need any guidance, I'd be happy to try to help.  I'm on FB, so I'm easy to find.  Message me and I'll get you my info.  :)

Offline Mortesbride

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Re: The transformative power of love
« Reply #58 on: June 08, 2019, 04:17:14 PM »
And,  I will admit,  xh had a horrible upbringing.   From what I've heard since the Day,  xh and his siblings lived in a war zone with two very narrcicistic parents.   I knew it wasn't good,  but never knew how bad until the youngest brother,  who had already had multiple affairs before our divorce,  left his own wife and teen daughter less than a year after xh bailed on me.   His xw,  my former SIL,  then told me everything he'd ever told her.   It truly sickened and horrified me.   I had no idea of the hell it actually was because xh only once eluded to some abuse.... and he never mentioned it again in the 18 years we were together.   So,  I can feel sympathy for xh because of that,  but he's a grown man now.   He could have chosen to be moral, responsible, decent,  faithful.... yada, yada, yada,  but he didn't.   He chose the coward's path of least resistance and ran like the rest.  In an instant,  I lost every shred of respect I ever had for him.   There's no way I could ever look at him the same, and the fact that 3 years later he's still the same ahole makes me just pity him.  He was the one out of his lunatic family that had the best potential for success, and like an idiot, he threw it all away.

This is where I sometimes get lost. When people blame their childhood for their behaviour.

Don't get me wrong I can see how it might trigger someone to misbehave or fall into addiction or whatever. To develop unhealthy coping mechanisms. But there is more at work than just your environment when people do insane things ''because of their childhood''. There is some deep character flaw that causes it.

So many kids live through terrible circumstances and come out with problems (anxiety, depression...etc) but never go on to do insane horrible things. Many people with perfect childhoods, go on to do insane horrible things.... There is some sort of internal programming that guides us in how we process and handle the trauma. Some managed to over come it, some do not. Some use it as an excuse to do the things they were already programmed to do, and some use it to fuel extraordinary stories of survival and overcoming the odds.
You know this is MLC when you have played emotional hot potato with a pair of crotch-less tights.

Offline beyondblessedTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: The transformative power of love
« Reply #59 on: June 08, 2019, 05:43:51 PM »
Absolutely, Morte.  A person's upbringing may.... may, play a small part, but ultimately, life is based on choices.  These choices shape and direct our lives.  We all have perfectly free will to CHOOSE.  Every single action taken requires a choice and decision to be made.  Lots of things have happened to all of us, some good, some not so good, but at the end of the day, it is your response to the externals that determines the quality of your life.  And, blaming others like these abandoned love to do, is about as pathetic and empty a life as I can imagine.  For this reason alone, I have a hard time understanding why anyone would stand for such a person?  And, many times, for years upon years on end.  So much precious time is spent looking back and trying to hold on to something long and far gone.  It is truly a shame.  So much lost opportunity, because growth cannot happen if you refuse to move.  You can't stay tethered to the past while creating your future.  It's either one or the other.


Offline beyondblessedTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: The transformative power of love
« Reply #60 on: June 27, 2019, 05:29:41 PM »
The last little legal matter that needed to be resolved has been officially and legally taken care of by yours truly.  Running boy continues to do just that and I say more power to him.  Cardio is so not my thing..... lifting all the weights is more my style.  Appropriate, since he left all the heavy lifting to me anyway, metaphorically speaking.

 This 3.5 years has transformed me into the person I was always meant to become.  Crisis or exit affair?  Doesn't matter.  The bottom line is that he left, we divorced and our paths will never cross again on my account.  Life is the best it's ever been for me, and it only continues to get better.  Little did I know when this all started back in the beginning of 2016 that my life would come full circle and lead me back to who I was becoming when I got sidetracked with him back in 1998.  There is a part of me that wishes I'd never wasted all those years, but I've learned so much and grown from all that happened during them and since the D, that there's no doubt in my mind all of this was necessary to get me to the place I am now.  A place of gratefulness, peace, stability and love.  I wish all of you the best in your journeys.  Mine here is now complete, so it's onward and upward.

« Last Edit: June 27, 2019, 05:31:33 PM by beyondblessed »

Offline readytofixmyselffirst

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Re: The transformative power of love
« Reply #61 on: June 29, 2019, 08:54:53 AM »
Hello,

Just wanted to applaud you on a job well done. I have gotten a trainer at the club I go to and the last two weeks have been hard but rewarding. Realizing how little changes to form and technique can really get the job done. My sore chest and back can attest to that.

I don't look back at anything as a wasted time. My ex did some terrible things to me, but we also had some really great times together as well.

I hope you continue to post the exciting things in your life and I am happy that you are feeling success!

(((Hugs)))

Ready
"Always look in the mirror and love what you see."

Offline stillbaffled

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Re: The transformative power of love
« Reply #62 on: June 29, 2019, 09:13:09 AM »
Good to hear you have taken care of the last bit of the previous life, BB. 

Yes, it's onward and upward.   :)
BD: 1/1/16
Together 15 years - married 7 years
His divorce final 7/26/16
Married the OW

After all, tomorrow is another day.

Offline beyondblessedTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: The transformative power of love
« Reply #63 on: July 01, 2019, 02:25:51 PM »
SB... yes, it does seem that I am burning fast and furious in pursuit of those intangibles my life before the blessed awakening lacked: passion, true love and acceptance of self, love and acceptance of others without expectation, and just living happily each day, come what may.

There is a new man on the scene, and although we've been just really good friends most of this past year, things are shifting towards romance very slowly... on both our parts, mainly because his xw pulled this same kind of midlife bs on him, with a nearly identical time line, except she dragged on their D, which has only been final for about a year, since right before we met.  So, we are very slow going.  I know exactly where he's at with this, so I'm sitting back, going with the flow, and letting him do the work he needs to do to process.  Had I not gone thru this myself, I would've bailed on this relationship because I wouldn't have understood the need to go so slowly, but as it is, I'm in no hurry either.  At this point, I'm just looking to make a connection, explore options, and just have fun with it.

He's a former minor league stock car racer and is really big into MMA, and due to my physicality and fitness background, he's got me hooked, too.  Some of our best times have been spent just cuddle up, watching these events and talking freely about any and everything.  We are 100% ourselves and don't worry about offending or scaring the other because we've seen what happens when people wear masks.

Life after this huge lesson is completely different.  Once you make it out into the fresh air of honesty, truth, respect and love, you just automatically develop a higher sense of gratitude for authentic relationships built on those things.... so unlike and opposite the relationships our former spouses are involved in.

Offline beyondblessedTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: The transformative power of love
« Reply #64 on: July 01, 2019, 05:37:25 PM »
Hey there, Ready, glad that you have a trainer that is getting you the results you're after.  Just remember to be patient and consistent, because just like this MLC or whatever it is, change takes time; it doesn't happen overnight.  Soreness is an indication that your muscles are being expanded and exerted and that's what you want because the growth happens when they repair, as that's when they get bigger in volume.  Just be sure that the soreness is not from overtraining, as this will have the opposite effect, and slow growth considerably.  Rest and recovery is also an essential part of the equation.

You are also correct to not look back on the past as time wasted.  Valuable lesson were thrust upon all of us with these betrayals.  Whether we learn from them or not is completely up to us.  What my xh did says everything I will ever need to know about him.  Just beyond grateful that I will never have another reason to deal with him or my ex-inlaws.  That is a huge blessing in and of itself.


Offline Dumbfounded

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Re: The transformative power of love
« Reply #65 on: July 02, 2019, 10:27:12 AM »
Always good to have an update from you Beyond!!  Glad to hear life is still moving onward and upward for you.

I have never thought of it as wasted time.... we had some good times and I have my 2 kids.  I would have loved to continue the journey together as a family but he bailed out on us....  and so we continue on without him because life is too short to waste it sitting around in a puddle sulking over someone who refuses to grow. That was my only wasted time... waiting on LB to come to his senses.     

Onward and upward class of 2016!!     
Married 1998
MLC H 48
LBS W 47
D16, S12
BD March, 2016
Left home Sept 4, 2016 - living with parents
H filed for D - July 24, 2017
D final March 14, 2018 - still living at parent's house

“You've seen my descent, now watch my rising.”
― Jalaluddin Rumi

Offline beyondblessedTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: The transformative power of love
« Reply #66 on: July 02, 2019, 12:46:41 PM »
DF, you are doing marvelous with the onward and upward, yourself.  Love seeing all the daily adventures with the kids and of course the pets!

Growth requires a huge amount of courage and faith, and that's the biggest obstacle for these waywards... they've taken the path of least resistance at every turn, so them climbing the steep mountain up from rock bottom isn't very likely.  That would require strength and so much self love.  Do you think any of them truly love the person they are?

Offline Dumbfounded

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Re: The transformative power of love
« Reply #67 on: July 02, 2019, 04:22:34 PM »
LB is a hot mess of self loathing...  the amount of effort he would have to put into a comeback is beyond reason. He has moved in permanently with life’s bottom feeders. He is not happy but he is making no effort to grow either. So I am out.
Married 1998
MLC H 48
LBS W 47
D16, S12
BD March, 2016
Left home Sept 4, 2016 - living with parents
H filed for D - July 24, 2017
D final March 14, 2018 - still living at parent's house

“You've seen my descent, now watch my rising.”
― Jalaluddin Rumi

Offline beyondblessedTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: The transformative power of love
« Reply #68 on: July 03, 2019, 09:44:28 AM »
LB is a hot mess of self loathing...  the amount of effort he would have to put into a comeback is beyond reason. He has moved in permanently with life’s bottom feeders. He is not happy but he 3is making no effort to grow either. So I am out.

Self loathing is at the epicenter of their beings, I'm quite certain.  Feeling truly horrible makes a person lash out and do truly horrible things.  I think the internal discomfort eats them up and then manifests itself in the ugly, selfish things they do.  If only you were able to reason with them that therapy would be a much better alternative for all involved.  Although that's not a realistic hope for them, all things considered.

Someone in this situation has to act with a clear and level head, and it certainly isn't them.  I'm not saying it's easy to walk away, and let them go live their lives like fools.  I'm just saying it's necessary.

Offline KeepItTogether

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Re: The transformative power of love
« Reply #69 on: July 03, 2019, 11:09:27 AM »
I'm not saying it's easy to walk away, and let them go live their lives like fools.  I'm just saying it's necessary.

Totally agree. It is that acceptance thing that I struggle with. My H was literally the opposite of who he became after BD.  And I know he is still in there somewhere. But well, nothing I can do.

I am so happy that you found your happy and have created a life for yourself where you can live authentically and with peace and joy. That to me is the ultimate success story.
Me 48
H 47
S12
BD 5/16
H Moved out 6/16
OW--yes. Worked for H. EA turned into PA while I was in chemo. On again/off again like every high school romance

Offline beyondblessedTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: The transformative power of love
« Reply #70 on: July 03, 2019, 02:57:38 PM »
KIT, I believe it to be true that the truly decent parts of them are still "in there somewhere".  I think they are all mentally disturbed, emotional wrecks, and I don't mean that as a slam or a slight.  I really believe that some level of mental illness or deficiency is present in many, if not all, of them.

Psychological studies have shown links between children whose brains did not develop normally and early aged abuse, and I think it's highly likely that the FOO and issues such as this caused irreversible damage to the neurological pathways of the brain, early on, in many of these cases.  I'm definitely no expert, but something in their heads is broken, quite obviously.  They do not seem to have the ability to make rational, level-headed decisions.  Rather, the actions that they take are all emotionally-based, and we all know how under developed those skills seem to be, as well.  Not a great combination as far building a strong character goes.

The only way out of this for them is to fix what's broken, if that's even a possibility.  We, as the LBS, do not understand anything they do, and we deal with our own emotions of anger, grief, disappointment, etc. at the things they do, only because we function from a totally different level and our morals, values and integrity would never allow us to function in such a immoral, selfish manner.  Our brain regulates our thoughts and our thoughts guide our behavior.  And, their thoughts are a hot mess, as are the new lives they've created in secret.  The things you do in the dark will always be exposed in the light.... it's just a matter of time.  That's when the real work will begin for them, but first they have to find their way to that place.  Again, not sure how that would even happen.  It's just easier to keep running.


Offline readytofixmyselffirst

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Re: The transformative power of love
« Reply #71 on: July 04, 2019, 07:14:07 AM »
Hello,

I get what you mean by the childhood trauma. How does one overcome it? On one side there is my ex who grew up with an alcoholic father, a mother who attempted suicide, came to the US at a young age, became involved with her second cousin in a relationship, broke that off, met me and wa sin a marriage for 15 years with two daughters before going off on the crazy train.

Then there is my father. One of ten kids. He was part of the group that was the second wife. First wife died. Second wife was a wreck. She was an alcoholic and had mental issues her whole life. My Dad's father was distant and stayed and worked in his shop. At one point in their lives, wife ran off with the three younger children (my dad was the youngest) and all three ended up in foster care.

The only thing my dad had going for him was my mom. He graduated from high school despite failing three times. Yes, he was 21 when he graduated high school. My mom wouldn't marry him unless he graduated. They got married two years later and have been married ever since. No MLC or issues at all.

My childhood was great. I have no bad memories at all. I got spanked a lot, but every swat I got, I earned. We were never rich, but not poor. I look back on my early years and realize I had it pretty good.

So while I do agree that childhood trauma has an impact. I wonder why there are some that thrive despite the issues and others that fall off the deep end.

On another note. Tomorrow will end three weeks with a trainer. Generally the worked muscles are sore for a day and are fine after the second day. We haven't really increased weight, but work on form and technique until failure. I have to mentally condition myself to push myself harder when I work on my own as I tend to stop just as I reach failure rather than pushing my self all the way to failure. When I am with the trainer, he will motivate me to do two more and spot me if I start to fail. I feel more motivated to push forward.
What do you do to pump yourself to go to the next level?

I can do it with cardio and tell myself another mile or another 10 minutes but I have my timing down and can see the clock moving when I am on the bike. Weights are a different story.

Have a happy Fourth of July! Your journey is motivating me!

(((((Ready)))))




"Always look in the mirror and love what you see."

Offline beyondblessedTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: The transformative power of love
« Reply #72 on: July 06, 2019, 04:54:49 PM »
Hey, Ready, I must agree that even with a tough upbringing and a family that operates from a position of total dysfunction, those things still do not excuse the appalling behavior and choices of the wayward spouse.  They merely provide a glimpse into the screwed up minds and mental chaos from which they seem to suffer tremendously.

I would hate to think someone in his or her "right" mind would 100% knowingly or willingly do and say the things they do and behave the way they do with the lying, stealing, cheating, and abusing.  That type of person would be akin to a sociopath or psychopath, and though may of us believe the MLC'er to be narcissistic on many levels, some even criminal, I hope they are not clinically defined as completely personality disordered.  For some though, I'm sure that's not out of the question, sadly.

It's awesome that you draw you joy from biking and interesting that you are not so passionate about the weights.  I am the exact opposite.  There is nothing better than having that iron in my hands.  Maybe it's because I'm always the lone woman surrounded by a crowd of men....  ;)  I am at the stage now where I have been massing to put on muscle weight, but soon I plan to cut and lean out to show more definition.  Cardio is a necessary evil... I've never loved it, but I know it has its place and benefits, so I suck it up and do it.  A lot like this new life, I may not love the work that needs to be done sometimes, but that's life and that's being a well-balanced, mentally stable and emotionally mature adult.  If he hadn't run away, maybe I could've at least taught my xh by example?

Offline Mortesbride

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Re: The transformative power of love
« Reply #73 on: July 15, 2019, 09:09:37 AM »
So while I do agree that childhood trauma has an impact. I wonder why there are some that thrive despite the issues and others that fall off the deep end.

I think the answer to this is our character or personality. We can be born into the same family, treated exactly the same, yet come out completely different people. There has to be something programmed within us that varies be it 'character', 'personality', 'older soul'...whatever terminology you feel comfortable with. The same abuse will affect two individuals completely differently. They both feel the pain, they both experience the bruises....yet one allows themselves to become a victim and the other uses it to fuel their fight.
You know this is MLC when you have played emotional hot potato with a pair of crotch-less tights.

Offline Dumbfounded

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Re: The transformative power of love
« Reply #74 on: July 15, 2019, 10:34:45 AM »
My friend took in two brothers from foster care that had experienced the same exact trama/mistreatment... albiet one a little longer than the other. The one turned his pain to the dark side.... he contained an evil that was, as far a we could tell, unfixable and permanent.  He did not respond to love or affection. My friend was terrified of him. He would say the most horrific things. The older brother wore himself out trying to fix everything, patch it up, make it ok. His heart was so big it was destroying him. Both were broken by the same thing... but carried the hurt differently.         
Married 1998
MLC H 48
LBS W 47
D16, S12
BD March, 2016
Left home Sept 4, 2016 - living with parents
H filed for D - July 24, 2017
D final March 14, 2018 - still living at parent's house

“You've seen my descent, now watch my rising.”
― Jalaluddin Rumi

Offline beyondblessedTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: The transformative power of love
« Reply #75 on: July 15, 2019, 04:59:06 PM »
It really all boils down to how a person views him or herself in every case.  Victor or victim?  Winner or loser?  Triumph or tragedy.  What you believe about yourself you become.  If you see yourself as a total failure and screw up, guess what?  It is no coincidence that your life turns to total $h!te.  Your thoughts create your destiny.

Many here, including myself, have read The Four Agreements.  Late last week, I blessedly stumbled upon the Fifth Agreement and am about halfway through it.  The Fifth Agreement is about self mastery and becoming our best and most authentic selves by unlearning the lies we've been fed since birth and relearning our own unique and individual  truths, which then can guide us to creating our best story or life.  It is already a book that I think every LBS and absolutely every MLC'er (if only they had the mental ability and clarity) should read.  Words and beliefs are powerful, and how you choose to interpret and incorporate them will shape your life.   Sadly, many of those in crisis just didn't learn to develop  a strong enough belief in themselves and it's cost them dearly.

Offline beyondblessedTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: The transformative power of love
« Reply #76 on: August 05, 2019, 06:02:52 AM »
Back once more to share that my wonderful parents celebrated their 50th, yes 50th, anniversary this past weekend.  What an amazing and inspirational accomplishment!  They have always taught me and my 3 siblings through such great example.  I know their relationship,  like every relationship, has had many ups and downs, but they have never given up on each other and they BOTH choose to love each other every single day, and THAT is what makes a marriage work.

I see more clearly now more than ever why xh and I were doomed from the start.  We were raised in 2 completely different environments.   Mine, loving, supportive,  and encouraging, and him, abusive, dysfunctional and broken.  We both became products of those environments and had no common ground between us.  I think he was attracted to my "strong and normal" and the empath in me wanted to fix his "hurt and broken".  Folks, I'm here to tell ya, if you haven't already figured it out for yourselves, that does NOT work.

I'm also here to say once again how much better life becomes once you start healing your own wounds and taking full responsibility for your own life, in the midst of all this chaos.  Drop the rope, focus on you, recreate yourself as you were meant to be.  True life....and love begins outside of this facade of comfort that was once our marriages.  We didn't get to choose for our wayward spouse, but we do get to choose who we become and what we will accomplish.  Don't waste that opportunity like they have.

Online UrsaMajor

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Re: The transformative power of love
« Reply #77 on: August 05, 2019, 06:17:41 AM »
I'm also here to say once again how much better life becomes once you start healing your own wounds and taking full responsibility for your own life, in the midst of all this chaos.  Drop the rope, focus on you, recreate yourself as you were meant to be.  True life....and love begins outside of this facade of comfort that was once our marriages.  We didn't get to choose for our wayward spouse, but we do get to choose who we become and what we will accomplish.  Don't waste that opportunity like they have.

That there is some Gospel Truth!
Me - 56
xW - 49
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation
S - 12
D - 8
2 Dogs (1 each)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Divorce final 30 August 2019

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Offline stillbaffled

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Re: The transformative power of love
« Reply #78 on: August 05, 2019, 06:57:24 AM »
50 years!  A big congratulations to them, Beyond. 

I enjoyed the FB pics.  Thanks for sharing. 

BD: 1/1/16
Together 15 years - married 7 years
His divorce final 7/26/16
Married the OW

After all, tomorrow is another day.

Offline KeepItTogether

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Re: The transformative power of love
« Reply #79 on: August 05, 2019, 10:07:00 AM »

I'm also here to say once again how much better life becomes once you start healing your own wounds and taking full responsibility for your own life, in the midst of all this chaos.  Drop the rope, focus on you, recreate yourself as you were meant to be.  True life....and love begins outside of this facade of comfort that was once our marriages.  We didn't get to choose for our wayward spouse, but we do get to choose who we become and what we will accomplish.  Don't waste that opportunity like they have.

Bam--drop the mike. Very well said.  Thanks for the update and congrats to your parents!
Me 48
H 47
S12
BD 5/16
H Moved out 6/16
OW--yes. Worked for H. EA turned into PA while I was in chemo. On again/off again like every high school romance

Offline Dumbfounded

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Re: The transformative power of love
« Reply #80 on: August 05, 2019, 10:46:36 AM »
"recreate yourself as you were meant to be"

Yep 100%. Go back to before your were detoured by this person who made you feel like even your best, on your best day wasn't good it enough. It was... the problem was never with you. It was with themselves.   
Married 1998
MLC H 48
LBS W 47
D16, S12
BD March, 2016
Left home Sept 4, 2016 - living with parents
H filed for D - July 24, 2017
D final March 14, 2018 - still living at parent's house

“You've seen my descent, now watch my rising.”
― Jalaluddin Rumi

Offline beyondblessedTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: The transformative power of love
« Reply #81 on: August 05, 2019, 02:38:47 PM »
Yes, DF, I really do feel that way.  I used the last 3 -1/2 years to undo 18 years worth of damage to myself.   I quite literally resumed the exact path I was on when I'd met xh.  Fitness and the gym played the biggest role back then, as I was focused on becoming my best self....then xh happened and that path changed slowly, but drastically by the end.  The person I had become was a pale reflection of the old me, but a nearly spitting image of him.....angry, moody, immature, selfish....all characteristics I loathe.

By God's grace, I've been given a 2nd chance to complete my original journey, and I'm doing my best not to firetruck it up this time.  Few of us are ever afforded this gift, so I intend to use every second of it being conscious and aware of ME in every relationship I have.  I'm not looking for the right person, I'm looking to become the right person.


Offline readytofixmyselffirst

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Re: The transformative power of love
« Reply #82 on: August 05, 2019, 04:06:03 PM »
Hello,

You are realizing that the most important journey during the MLCer's crisis is the journey made by the LBSer. That we go through stages and reach a defining moment where we know that we can live without them and actually thrive without them. That if they come back, we have the power to accept or reject our spouse based upon our choice and control.

I remember after Bomb drop how helpless I felt and that my MLCer held all the cards. It took time, but I built back my own self-esteem to stand and let her go and I reached a point where I was completely done.

I have moved on and so have you. I respect those that continue to stand as long as the choice to stand doesn't prevent you from living as if they are not coming back. That if they do come back, the repair of the relationship is a lot of work on the part of the LBSer and the MLCer.

You have done well to find yourself and build a life that makes you positive in your outlook. I too have seen the Facebook pics and they project a confident and content person. In fact you helped motivate me! I will post my numbers next Wednesday to show my results over the past 8 weeks (One week was vacation in NYC and I didn't get to work out).

Quote
We didn't get to choose for our wayward spouse, but we do get to choose who we become and what we will accomplish.

Nice! This goes right along with my "I don't let the bad behavior of others determine mine!"

(((Hugs)))

Ready

"Always look in the mirror and love what you see."

Offline PJ Will Be OK

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Re: The transformative power of love
« Reply #83 on: August 05, 2019, 07:12:55 PM »
Following along. Late for the party as usual. Not sure how I've missed your thread over the years.

I'm very interested in how you've grown post-divorce, especially now that I appear to be joining the divorced camp soon.

Good to see you recreating yourself as you were meant to be!
"I'm slowly learning to expect nothing and appreciate everything."

Together 28 years, married 27
Two adult kids, ours

BD #1: 2016 - EA
BD #2: 2018 - FA
W moved out - June 2019
OM#3 - July 2019
W asks for divorce - August 2019
Divorce final - September 2019
Card-carrying member of the Iffer Party

My thread: https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=11093.0;topicseen

Offline beyondblessedTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: The transformative power of love
« Reply #84 on: August 06, 2019, 01:53:10 AM »
Following along. Late for the party as usual. Not sure how I've missed your thread over the years.

I'm very interested in how you've grown post-divorce, especially now that I appear to be joining the divorced camp soon.

Good to see you recreating yourself as you were meant to be!


Hello, PJ, You are not really late to the party.  It was a pretty quick affair...no pun intended, but once I did confirm his cheating, and everything else, it all came to an end.  There was no way I was ever going to stand for that.

I think I've done the best job I can at this point to make my life something amazing, and I hope inspirational to everyone here.  I do have a FB page and an Instagram that people seem to keep up with.  Shoot me a message if you're interested.   I'd be more than happy to share.

I'm sorry that things didn't work out the way you'd hoped.  Maybe you won't take so much comfort in this now, but eventually you will come to a place where the chaos is still, and you find yourself thriving in ways you couldn't even have imagined.  So many of us have found this to be true.  It doesn't happen overnight and not by chance, either.  You have to make the choice to leave the past and focus on YOUR future.  If your W wants to hang out on the misery bus, let her.  You have better things to do and greater goals to conquer.

Offline beyondblessedTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: The transformative power of love
« Reply #85 on: September 25, 2019, 04:59:08 PM »
Just a brief thought to those of you still in shock and bewilderment  that your once loving spouse is now someone hateful (rather hate-filled) and unrecognizable.   I keep hearing it resonated over and over that you don't understand how they could do the things they've done.  And closure is often mentioned too.  Both, mainly as reasoning not to drop the rope. 

They do NOT give you closure.  You TAKE it and make it for yourself, and you do not need understanding to accept their actions.  These are both choices you make in the move towards living on your terms and moving forward.   Nothing holds you in place unless you let it.

Online UrsaMajor

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Re: The transformative power of love
« Reply #86 on: September 26, 2019, 02:02:38 AM »
Trying to understand WHY a Mid-lifer does what they do is......



wait for it......




you KNOW it's coming.......



like trying to taste green with your elbow...
Me - 56
xW - 49
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation
S - 12
D - 8
2 Dogs (1 each)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Divorce final 30 August 2019

Survival Instructions for Newbies
Site Map
 
A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Offline Finding Joy

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Re: The transformative power of love
« Reply #87 on: September 26, 2019, 10:53:23 AM »
I have come to this conclusion as well.  I do not need him for closure.  I do not need him to apologize in order for me to forgive.  I do not need validation from him that none of it was my fault and it is on him.  I do not find my worth in his opinion of me, or his ability to find all of my worst attributes both real and imagined.

I have concluded that I know my worth.  I know my value.  I know both my short comings and by strengths.  I know he is doing this because he is broken. 

It is freeing!
Married 19 years
Husband is 42
I am 39

BD1-April 2018-Unrecognized by me until way later, he is unhappy, wants counseling.
BD2-October 2018-ILYBNIL, wants a divorce, this after I found out about OW 1(EA), OW2(PA) no longer together.  I believe he is single. 
April 2019 He got an apartment and moved out.
Oct 2019-Apologized for a years worth of monster behavior.  Still wants to start divorce this Spring, is distant, but friendly.  Tries more with kids, but mostly just helps haul them around(superficial).

4 kids 5-14 years

But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.

Offline beyondblessedTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: The transformative power of love
« Reply #88 on: September 26, 2019, 04:37:58 PM »
UM....yes, it is the biggest waste of time ever.  Nothing, and I mean absolutely nothing comes of trying to make any kind of logical sense of all this insanity.  For people once thought to be decent, kind, intelligent and loving to become the most selfish @$$holes and to stupidly throw their good lives away for nothing but fantasy is completely insane.

Finding Joy....I am so glad you've found your worth because now is when the magic starts to happen.  You get far enough away from the fallout of the past to see it more and more clearly.  Once you start to accept that your H is a grown adult....even though acting like a rage-filled little boy....you begin to realize he's making very bad choices, but they are his to make.  They are not about you, and have nothing to do with you because in his mind, you are no longer part of his life.

That being said, it's time for Joy to truly go find what brings her joy.  For me, it was all about rediscovering and rebranding myself.  At the time my xh walked out a cheater, I kid you not, I looked about 50 years old, and I was only 43 at the time.  Fast forward 3.5 years to today, I literally have aged in reverse...now I look like I'm in my late 30s, but I'll be 47 in a few months.  I owe that in large part to basically purging the poison of bitterness and negativity that xh pretty much spewed a large part of our time together.   Once it was over, I could finally breathe again.  Yes, that blessed freedom you mention initially saved my life.  I started taking care of me and never looked back.

Today, I am about to work towards becoming a personal trainer and certified nutrition coach.  I live each day to the fullest, I have a circle of friends that I never had when I was married because no one cared for xh and now I can see so clearly why.  He was a toxic person then and probably still is today.  I truly have no idea of his whereabouts or anything about him because he's a part of a past that has no place in my present.  We've taken two completely different paths, and I do not ever forsee our paths converging again.  I am happy, healthier and more beautiful inside and out, and blessed to live the peaceful, yet challenging life I've carved.  It didn't come easy,  but the best and most worthy endeavors never do.  That's what makes them amazing!!

Offline Finding Joy

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Re: The transformative power of love
« Reply #89 on: September 26, 2019, 05:00:13 PM »
That is awesome blessed!  I’m so glad you have found yourself again after all he put you through.  I feel like a better person as well!!
Married 19 years
Husband is 42
I am 39

BD1-April 2018-Unrecognized by me until way later, he is unhappy, wants counseling.
BD2-October 2018-ILYBNIL, wants a divorce, this after I found out about OW 1(EA), OW2(PA) no longer together.  I believe he is single. 
April 2019 He got an apartment and moved out.
Oct 2019-Apologized for a years worth of monster behavior.  Still wants to start divorce this Spring, is distant, but friendly.  Tries more with kids, but mostly just helps haul them around(superficial).

4 kids 5-14 years

But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.

Offline Couragedearheart

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Re: The transformative power of love
« Reply #90 on: September 26, 2019, 05:18:41 PM »
Beyond,

Your post made me think.

Imagine if someone handed you an explanation that said “oh, it’s because they have xyz.”  Would that satisfy? Would there ever be a rational answer to emotional pain.

The more I consider it, the more I don’t think it would help.

I think the vagueness of it, is conducive to one good thing.....it allows the LBS to consider themselves.
To begin to sweep the whole of their lives and marriages....and eventually themselves entirely. It won’t solve MLC. But it becomes the catalyst of introspection and getting to know ones self.

So I’m content.

We adventure off into the unknown, I wonder what we will find?
Me 36
H 36
S15
Wallower?
EA discovered 5/31/2019
BD May 31 2019
EA ongoing? 🤷‍♀️ (Who knows?)
“God allows us to feel the frailty of human love so we’ll appreciate the strength of his.” C.S. Lewis

Offline beyondblessedTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: The transformative power of love
« Reply #91 on: September 26, 2019, 05:50:17 PM »
Courage, I've always said this crisis may have started with them, but it ends for us, the LBS, when we decide it does.  It didn't take me long to realize that my life was my own and whatever was to become of it was dependent on my actions and choices alone.  I bore no responsibility for the MLC'er's choices and he damn sure wasn't going to dictate mine through childish games and weak attempts at further emotional abuse and manipulations.   Once the mask falls off, it is very difficult to see them as we once did.  That alone is enough closure.

As far as everyone saying this scar they've left is permanent, I guess it is.  But, a scar just means you've lived through something that could have maybe killed you, but instead, you kicked its ass and continued to thrive from that day forward.


Offline Dumbfounded

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Re: The transformative power of love
« Reply #92 on: September 27, 2019, 09:46:36 AM »
Turn up your light full blast.  Those people who complain it is too bright and shrink away are not your people.  Do not dim your light to make other people comfortable.
Married 1998
MLC H 48
LBS W 47
D16, S12
BD March, 2016
Left home Sept 4, 2016 - living with parents
H filed for D - July 24, 2017
D final March 14, 2018 - still living at parent's house

“You've seen my descent, now watch my rising.”
― Jalaluddin Rumi

Offline beyondblessedTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: The transformative power of love
« Reply #93 on: September 27, 2019, 01:56:37 PM »
So true, DF.  The weak will fall away when things get too tough and real for them.   Back in the day, my xh was already showing signs of envy and obvious disdain that I was more well received and liked by people.  Well, when you act like a jerk and an ahole, people tend not to want to be around you.   

He'd really hate to be around me now because I am super nova now and the attention I get without so much as flexing is ridiculous, but that sure doesn't stop me from showing my guns lol

Offline PJ Will Be OK

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Re: The transformative power of love
« Reply #94 on: September 27, 2019, 05:17:47 PM »
Quote
Nothing, and I mean absolutely nothing comes of trying to make any kind of logical sense of all this insanity.  For people once thought to be decent, kind, intelligent and loving to become the most selfish @$$holes and to stupidly throw their good lives away for nothing but fantasy is completely insane.
Yep. No explanation other than total insanity for them to throw their lives away the way they do. Bonkers. I wish I would have figured this out a lot sooner. Oh well.

You're sounding good Supernova. ;)
"I'm slowly learning to expect nothing and appreciate everything."

Together 28 years, married 27
Two adult kids, ours

BD #1: 2016 - EA
BD #2: 2018 - FA
W moved out - June 2019
OM#3 - July 2019
W asks for divorce - August 2019
Divorce final - September 2019
Card-carrying member of the Iffer Party

My thread: https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=11093.0;topicseen

Offline stillbaffled

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Re: The transformative power of love
« Reply #95 on: September 27, 2019, 05:24:45 PM »

As far as everyone saying this scar they've left is permanent, I guess it is.  But, a scar just means you've lived through something that could have maybe killed you, but instead, you kicked its ass and continued to thrive from that day forward.


Yup, I have the scar, I did live through it and I continue to.  I'd be going out on a limb to say I kicked its ass but I am thriving and living the best life I can considering the crap sandwich that I had to eat. 

I'm not to supernova status yet!   ;)
BD: 1/1/16
Together 15 years - married 7 years
His divorce final 7/26/16
Married the OW

After all, tomorrow is another day.

Offline beyondblessedTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: The transformative power of love
« Reply #96 on: September 27, 2019, 05:42:45 PM »
Oh, PJ, you are so much further ahead of this game than you realize, but I think that it is just because of the timing and how it's all playing out for you atm.  You've got this, my friend.  Just keep swimming!!  Or that awful thing called running 5ks that you must enjoy!!  lol

SB, are you kidding??  You are a freaking supernova on the grandest scale.  You brave those long, hellish Minnesota winters and blossom into a Harley riding, badass queen in the summer.  I got nothing on you, girl  ;)  I just keep  tossing weights and try to keep the gym creepers away.   lol

Offline No expectations

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Re: The transformative power of love
« Reply #97 on: September 27, 2019, 08:24:14 PM »
Blessed,

You are truly an inspiration,  to so many.   You know how I feel about you,  I'm such a fan!  Although our paths have taken different directions,  I love how you've found yourself.   I think the difference in our stories has to do with our MLCers.  Mine was always,  and is again,  a truly good person. 

Thank you for letting me follow your remarkable story,  my friend.
Married 11 1/2 years, together 18.  BD 9/2016, 2nd BD 10/16.  H moved out 10/16.  2 AS's from my first M.  Me 55, H 50. OW 23.  Moved back 4/18.  Reconnecting and working on our M.

"And once the storm is over, you won't remember how you made it through; how you managed to survive.  You won't even be sure if the storm is really over.  But one thing is certain; when you come out of the storm, you won't be the same person that walked in...that's what this storm is all about."

"The trick is to enjoy life.  Don't wish away your days, waiting for better ones."

Offline beyondblessedTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: The transformative power of love
« Reply #98 on: September 28, 2019, 03:12:23 AM »
No Ex, thank you so much for your kind words.  They mean a lot because I greatly and deeply respect you.  You are by far one of the strongest and most gracious women I've ever had the privilege of knowing.   You rise, you fall, and then you rise again.  It is what winners do.  They face life's inevitable adversities, and they never give up, never stop trying.

Those qualities right there are what sets success and failure apart.  The will to persevere and win at all cost.  Sadly, for some like my xh, they do not possess those qualities because they were not raised in an environment where they could be properly learned.  Xh's father was an abandoning alcoholic, and his mother was always the victim, always dependent upon all of her children to do everything they could to make sure she never had to do anything for herself.  My xh tried so hard to be the perfect son and do that for her, but we all know that's an impossible task.  He truly had the best and most noble intentions at heart, I believe, but he never could set boundaries with her or any of his family,  and I really think the utter take, take, take selfishness of them all just mentally and emotionally drained him.  His physical health was already declining at 40, and he just basically gave up.  It was so much easier to quit and try to escape than to stand up for himself and be strong of mind and body.  Sad, really.  In my heart, I think he really believed I would be better off without him.  He was wrong in that sense, because I truly loved and respected that he could handle so much and still keep going, but it was all just a show.  He was falling apart, and I had no idea.

That all said, I have tried my best everyday since he left way back at the beginning of 2016 to make my peace with all of it.  Him. Me. Us.  I'm not perfect, and I've made tons of mistakes along the way, but I have created a solid foundation for this new transitioning and transforming BB.  She is of strong mind and body, she laughs and jokes and has a smile that could light the night sky..  thanks to those braces.  lol.

I know where I've been, and I know the direction I'm headed, but still unsure of that final destination.  That's what makes this new life so interesting.....it's an incredible opportunity that has come from an unspeakable hurt and disappointment., but I just keep going.

Offline beyondblessedTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: The transformative power of love
« Reply #99 on: October 30, 2019, 02:38:32 PM »
I can't believe I started this thread almost 2 years ago.  It was all about creating and finding new love and how it profoundly changes a person inside and out.  2 years later, I want to shout it from the highest rooftops.  Time is the most amazing gift, if you use it wisely.

You have to be willing to be vulnerable enough to trust and hope and have faith that not every person you meet will be like your ex (or your current spouse, whatever), yet strong and smart enough to see the red flags for what they are, if they appear.

You have to make the choice to be brave and put your heart out there again, if love is what you want, and for most of 2019, I wasn't looking for it at all.  Hoping, maybe, but definitely not chasing it, and guess what?  Just as has been said so often, it happens when you are not looking.  Love comes walking in, and it feels safe, secure and welcome.

It is a kindred spirit that recognizes your positivity and optimism and praises you for them.  It sees your wisdom and is drawn to your strength and returns those same qualities.  It is a strong, yet gentle and safe hug that feels like home.  It is something I've been patient enough to wait for because I knew it was rare, but also because I knew it was what I wanted, needed and deserved.  It is something I wasn't sure I'd ever find again, but now that it's found me, I will put all these lessons to good use.  Life doesn't get better by chance; it gets better by choice.   And what you are not changing, you are choosing.


Offline Mortesbride

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Re: The transformative power of love
« Reply #100 on: October 31, 2019, 02:01:42 AM »
Nice I am so happy for you!  :-* ;D
You know this is MLC when you have played emotional hot potato with a pair of crotch-less tights.

Offline Dumbfounded

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Re: The transformative power of love
« Reply #101 on: October 31, 2019, 05:11:55 AM »
They say your third love is the one that you never saw coming. Wishing you every happiness. Lord knows we have earned it in spades.
Married 1998
MLC H 48
LBS W 47
D16, S12
BD March, 2016
Left home Sept 4, 2016 - living with parents
H filed for D - July 24, 2017
D final March 14, 2018 - still living at parent's house

“You've seen my descent, now watch my rising.”
― Jalaluddin Rumi

Offline beyondblessedTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: The transformative power of love
« Reply #102 on: October 31, 2019, 08:44:46 AM »
Thank you, Morte and DF.  It's very early days, far too early to know anything all except so far, so good.  He's not the first relationship I've had, but he is the only one in the last year that I've really taken an interest in, so we shall see.  And, not sure about the 3rd love idea, but I definitely was having serious doubts that someone with his qualities even existed in today's crazy dating world.  Again, only time will tell.  The one thing we both resoundingly agree on is that my taste in men has much improved  ;D

Offline PJ Will Be OK

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Re: The transformative power of love
« Reply #103 on: October 31, 2019, 10:06:43 AM »
Thanks for the update Beyond. I'm happy for you.

Best of luck to you with the new guy. He's a lucky dude!

Quote
Life doesn't get better by chance; it gets better by choice.  And what you are not changing, you are choosing.
Taping this to the wall by my desk.
"I'm slowly learning to expect nothing and appreciate everything."

Together 28 years, married 27
Two adult kids, ours

BD #1: 2016 - EA
BD #2: 2018 - FA
W moved out - June 2019
OM#3 - July 2019
W asks for divorce - August 2019
Divorce final - September 2019
Card-carrying member of the Iffer Party

My thread: https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=11093.0;topicseen

Offline beyondblessedTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: The transformative power of love
« Reply #104 on: October 31, 2019, 11:23:06 AM »
Thank you, PJ.  He seems to think he's the lucky one, but I feel very fortunate for the opportunity to get to know him, as well.  It's only been a few dates, but it has been time well spent, and I believe we could talk for hours on end.  We just enjoy each other's company that much.  It gives me more than just my everyday routine to look forward to, so I'm a very happy girl.

Offline beyondblessedTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: The transformative power of love
« Reply #105 on: October 31, 2019, 02:26:05 PM »
I forgot to mention that as of late, I've been doubling down on the self growth aspect and have been doing a lot of reading.   I read the 5th Agreement,  which I believe I mentioned  a couple months ago, another book by Kathy Kinney...the woman who played Mimi on the Drew Carey Show, about embracing your inner self and learning to accept and love the person you truly are meant to be, and now I'm finishing up my first, but certainly not last, Brene Brown book, titled The Gifts Of Imperfection.   This book is also about digging deep and seeing you as the amazing being you are, dealing with failings and disappointments and how to keep shame and fear from sabotaging your joy.

In the book, Brown discusses shame, its roots and the devastating effects it can have on people when they do not properly acknowledge and address it.  While I found the book to be very insightful and useful for myself, I found it to be equally insightful as to the demons shame has caused in these MLC'ers.  It is definitely worth checking out, just for that part of it alone.  The behavior that harboring shame causes is eerily akin to how the MLC'ers act out and the blame they spew because they are not brave enough to look inward and dig to the roots.  It talks about resilience and how faith is the root to persevering and being strong in the face of difficulties, which is not a shocking revelation,  given how many times I've read in various threads here how many of the MLC'ers have turned their backs on God and lost their faith.  My faith is the biggest thing that held me together.  It allowed me to cut ties and never look back.

My next read will be It's Not Supposed To Be This Way, by Lisa Terkeurst, and it is geared towards finding unexpected strength in life's inevitable disappointments.  I will report back with a review once I finish.

I have done so much mirror work in the past 4 years.  I do not think that it is a coincidence that the more I do of it, the more I attract amazing people and opportunities into my life.  I knew I was never going to stand for my dead M, but this site launched me into a meteoric rise of self growth and personal fulfillment that might never have happened had I not stumbled upon it in January 2016.  I am so fortunate and blessed to be where I am now.  I hope one day all who post here will have that same sense of gratitude and thanks, despite the circumstances that brought us all here.

Offline Dumbfounded

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Re: The transformative power of love
« Reply #106 on: October 31, 2019, 03:54:25 PM »
Hands down my faith has gotten me through the last few years and I dare say my faith has grown exponentially during that time. The Lord and I have been in the trenches together and we are thick as thieves now. Not only have I learned to love my own company but that of my quiet time with God.

The name Brene Brown has come up many times in the last few weeks. I think this is the universe telling me to to get reading.
Married 1998
MLC H 48
LBS W 47
D16, S12
BD March, 2016
Left home Sept 4, 2016 - living with parents
H filed for D - July 24, 2017
D final March 14, 2018 - still living at parent's house

“You've seen my descent, now watch my rising.”
― Jalaluddin Rumi

Offline stillbaffled

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Re: The transformative power of love
« Reply #107 on: October 31, 2019, 09:19:28 PM »

It is a kindred spirit that recognizes your positivity and optimism and praises you for them.  It sees your wisdom and is drawn to your strength and returns those same qualities.  It is a strong, yet gentle and safe hug that feels like home.  It is something I've been patient enough to wait for because I knew it was rare, but also because I knew it was what I wanted, needed and deserved.  It is something I wasn't sure I'd ever find again, but now that it's found me, I will put all these lessons to good use.  Life doesn't get better by chance; it gets better by choice.   And what you are not changing, you are choosing.


Very happy for you, BB! 

BD: 1/1/16
Together 15 years - married 7 years
His divorce final 7/26/16
Married the OW

After all, tomorrow is another day.

Offline beyondblessedTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: The transformative power of love
« Reply #108 on: November 04, 2019, 04:21:32 PM »
Just my thought for the night:  don't ever settle for being tolerated and just painfully existing in someone else's space.  Go where you are cherished and appreciated.  Go where the love is.  Stop fearing the worst and start believing in yourself and your worth.

Offline PJ Will Be OK

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Re: The transformative power of love
« Reply #109 on: November 04, 2019, 09:34:05 PM »
Quote
Stop fearing the worst and start believing in yourself and your worth.
Thanks BB. This was EXACTLY what I needed to hear tonight.
"I'm slowly learning to expect nothing and appreciate everything."

Together 28 years, married 27
Two adult kids, ours

BD #1: 2016 - EA
BD #2: 2018 - FA
W moved out - June 2019
OM#3 - July 2019
W asks for divorce - August 2019
Divorce final - September 2019
Card-carrying member of the Iffer Party

My thread: https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=11093.0;topicseen

Online UrsaMajor

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Re: The transformative power of love
« Reply #110 on: November 05, 2019, 01:41:18 AM »
Just my thought for the night: don't ever settle for being tolerated and just painfully existing in someone else's space.  Go where you are cherished and appreciated.  Go where the love is.  Stop fearing the worst and start believing in yourself and your worth.

^^^^^THIS!^^^^
Me - 56
xW - 49
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation
S - 12
D - 8
2 Dogs (1 each)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Divorce final 30 August 2019

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A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Offline Nerissa

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Re: The transformative power of love
« Reply #111 on: November 05, 2019, 02:03:17 AM »
Just my thought for the night:  don't ever settle for being tolerated and just painfully existing in someone else's space.  Go where you are cherished and appreciated.  Go where the love is.  Stop fearing the worst and start believing in yourself and your worth.

That’s a lovely piece of advice 🤗

Online Treasur

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Re: The transformative power of love
« Reply #112 on: November 05, 2019, 02:12:16 AM »
Quote
Go where you are cherished and appreciated.

Feels like this should be LBS 101.... :)
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline beyondblessedTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: The transformative power of love
« Reply #113 on: November 07, 2019, 01:03:51 PM »
Quote
Go where you are cherished and appreciated.

Feels like this should be LBS 101.... :)

It most certainly should be how we all feel about ourselves!  We have always been the prize, and only winners deserve prizes.

Offline beyondblessedTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: The transformative power of love
« Reply #114 on: November 09, 2019, 07:01:06 AM »
So many embers in the fire as of late!!  And so many interesting topics on a few threads dealing with living in limbo land (haha, never) and one in particular about recognizing and appreciating all the hidden blessings that have occurred as a result of the spouse's (ex, happily, in my case) crash and burn.

It's nice to see the forward movement and introspection.   It's nice to see that more and more LBS are jumping down from the false "safety" of the shelf and straight into the fires of passion and life still burning within them and going to live life on their terms and desires without a second thought of the poor,  pity-seeking, self-absorbed MLC'er.

Today, remember YOU have only one life.  How do you wish to spend your remaining days?  If you were to die tomorrow....because it could very well happen to any of us....would you have been satisfied with the deposits you made in your life and well being right now?  I hope you can resoundingly answer yes, but if not, it's not too late to start making those deposits right now.  Your life; your responsibility.
« Last Edit: November 09, 2019, 07:02:25 AM by beyondblessed »

Offline beyondblessedTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: The transformative power of love
« Reply #115 on: November 14, 2019, 02:47:39 PM »
The day that you finally choose yourself is the day you will never look back.  For once you find everything you need within, you will never need to fill the void with something external.  And, if you think about it, that is basically the same advice we all want the MLC'er to heed.  Self love heals; shame destroys.

Offline Dumbfounded

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Re: The transformative power of love
« Reply #116 on: November 14, 2019, 05:57:54 PM »
Amen sista!!
Married 1998
MLC H 48
LBS W 47
D16, S12
BD March, 2016
Left home Sept 4, 2016 - living with parents
H filed for D - July 24, 2017
D final March 14, 2018 - still living at parent's house

“You've seen my descent, now watch my rising.”
― Jalaluddin Rumi

Offline beyondblessedTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: The transformative power of love
« Reply #117 on: November 18, 2019, 02:56:09 PM »
Just a super quick update on my new R with Mr.Big....because at 6'5" and 245 lbs, he dwarfs me at 5'4", but my lean and muscular physique balances us quite nicely 😊

Things are going fantastically for us.  He just may be the missing puzzle piece, but it is far too early to tell.  For now, we are just thoroughly enjoying our times together.  He was at my place on Saturday with every intention of returning home Sunday, as he's about 45 minutes away, but he received a call that his dad had a massive stroke in New Orleans.  What a shock!  Here sat this sweet man on my couch, receiving news that they didn't expect his dad to make it, and all I could do was hug him, reassure him and practically BEG him to lean on others for support and comfort and not to bottle up his grief.  Think I've seen this before??  Yep....the death of xh's dad was about the straw that broke the crazy camel's back.  I DO NOT want to see another man go off the rails on the crazy train.

Luckily, we've been texting and calling quite frequently,  and it seems his dad is showing great signs of improvement.  I'm not sure of the long term prognosis, but Mr. Big will be returning home tomorrow and we've made plans to get together Wednesday, so I'll know more then.

Morte mentioned on her thread that being alone doesn't necessarily bother her, but she prefers company.  Being alone and single has it own set of benefits and gifts, but now that I have a man in my life, and this time one who actually behaves like a man should, it has reminded how nice it is to share things with someone else.  It is especially nice because this man so far has lived up to everything he's said.  He isn't just words and empty promises.  He actually does the work.   For a long time, I've wondered if men like that still existed.  He's making a believer out of me. 

We've already talked about how we are quite infatuated with each other, and I've got to tell you, I can see how easily someone on the crazy train already could be totally sucked into these feelings quite innocently and mistaken it for true love.  If Mr. Big and I weren't emotionally matured and grounded adults, we could be naive enough to think the same, but alas, we both realize and see it for what it is right now;  an overload of hormones that has created lots of sparks and chemistry.  I'm not complaining though, and neither is he.  We are both on the same page, and I truly think we both feel this is only going to grow,  but again time will tell.  For now, we are taking it as it comes, and letting the chips fall where the may. 
« Last Edit: November 18, 2019, 02:59:41 PM by beyondblessed »

Offline stillbaffled

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Re: The transformative power of love
« Reply #118 on: November 18, 2019, 09:21:14 PM »
I was going to ask if he had a single brother, but at 5'1" it might be a big stretch for me!!   ;)

You're living life in a big way, BB! 

BD: 1/1/16
Together 15 years - married 7 years
His divorce final 7/26/16
Married the OW

After all, tomorrow is another day.

Offline beyondblessedTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: The transformative power of love
« Reply #119 on: November 19, 2019, 02:00:34 AM »
SB, he's definitely the tallest I've been with, but we fit together perfectly.  ❤ 

DF mentioned the 3rd (and presumably final) love that comes out of nowhere....well, I'm beginning to think that maybe there's some truth to that? 

Offline Mortesbride

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Re: The transformative power of love
« Reply #120 on: November 19, 2019, 09:19:57 AM »
Beyond I am glad you have found Mr Big and I sure hope that things continue to progress beautifully for you both.  :)
You know this is MLC when you have played emotional hot potato with a pair of crotch-less tights.

Offline Dumbfounded

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Re: The transformative power of love
« Reply #121 on: November 19, 2019, 03:50:03 PM »
So sad to hear about Mr. Big’s Dad. I hope he continues to get better.

My IC told me about this 3rd love. Honestly, I wanted to punch her in the face. Paying for fairytale BS. And from what I have seen to date ... it is a myth. But maybe there are emotionally mature men out there somewhere.
Married 1998
MLC H 48
LBS W 47
D16, S12
BD March, 2016
Left home Sept 4, 2016 - living with parents
H filed for D - July 24, 2017
D final March 14, 2018 - still living at parent's house

“You've seen my descent, now watch my rising.”
― Jalaluddin Rumi

Offline beyondblessedTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: The transformative power of love
« Reply #122 on: November 19, 2019, 04:30:57 PM »
Oh, DF, I had all but written off finding an emotionally mature, grounded and stable man, but it sure seems like I've done the unthinkable.  Heck, I'd be willing to wager I've probably "dated" more men in the last 3 years than many of the LBS on this thread combined lol, so Mr. Big stood out immediately, and for more than just our height difference.

Our chemistry and attraction is undeniable,  but more than that, we share so many of the same values, morals and ideals.  His family is super close, and though they are a wealthy family, they are very grounded.  He has been spoiling me pretty good though, and that is something I'm not used to.  The perfect gentleman, almost to the point of  me assertively not being so proper, lol.  We are having fun and enjoying ourselves, beyond that, who knows?  But, what I do know, is that this is a completely different relationship than I've ever been in, so I'm running with it and hoping it continues to grow.

Offline readytofixmyselffirst

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Re: The transformative power of love
« Reply #123 on: November 19, 2019, 07:00:23 PM »
Hello,

Quote
But, what I do know, is that this is a completely different relationship than I've ever been in, so I'm running with it and hoping it continues to grow.

So happy for you!

Just to let you know, I am down to 187 lbs and 20% body fat which is considered excellent for an old dude like me. My trainer and I are now starting to add more weight, less reps for the next few weeks to see if I can increase my strength. Prior to that, we were doing lots of reps with less weight and stretching in between. Like I would do bench press to tighten the chest and then push ups to stretch the chest muscles.

I am doing great and you and Watcher are great inspiration! Hope many more happy and joyful memories are in store for you and Mr. Big.

((((Hugs)))

Ready
"Always look in the mirror and love what you see."

Offline KeepItTogether

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Re: The transformative power of love
« Reply #124 on: November 20, 2019, 09:22:16 AM »
Beyond--I always love your updates. I find them so uplifting. You have a way with words that makes us all feel so worthy and deserving of happiness, no matter what path we choose. You have a patience and grace about you that accepts some of us are not necessarily on the accelerated program. (That would be me--lol)   ;D

And I am happy for you too my friend. You have created a wonderful life for yourself after having been through the very same trauma many of us also endured. Truly inspirational. I'm so happy you continue to post.
Me 48
H 47
S12
BD 5/16
H Moved out 6/16
OW--yes. Worked for H. EA turned into PA while I was in chemo. On again/off again like every high school romance

Offline beyondblessedTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: The transformative power of love
« Reply #125 on: November 21, 2019, 02:03:25 AM »
Ready, you continue to make great strides....I am proud of you and all that you've accomplished,  personally and professionally.   You are such a shining star for all of us on this site.  I think you are the epitome of growth and forward movement.  I'm so glad you are here with me, PJ, DF, SB, and a slew of other LBS' that have forged a new path away from the past and into the peace and happiness of the present, without the side of crazy.  Thank you so much for your well wishes with Mr. Big...it was so funny, he asked me to be his gf last night  🤷‍♀️🤷‍♀️😊😊  I mean, of course I said yes.  Just kinda weird to be bf and gf at our age, but I'll get used to it.

KIT, I know I've probably pushed some LBS a bit too harshly and brusquely (you being one...and I am sorry) with not becoming stuck here, but it was all out of tough love.  We ALL deserve to have a partner in life with whom we would trust our lives and at the very least our personal well being.  These clowns that left us have no qualifications for that level of commitment .  Not to us... and not to the unfortunate people they are with right now.  And, I say right now, because many of them, even if it's years down the road, will leave those people just like they did us.  They have already proven that they cannot be trusted, so who wants someone like that?  Someone just like them.... and that is not us.  They have so much work to do on themselves that I think many will just never try....and that's even if they allow themselves to accept thsy were the problem all along.

I continue to be grateful everyday that my life is my own and that the choices I've made for almost 4 years now have set me so much higher than where I found myself....crying in a heap outside my bedroom door because the 1 man in this life, who I thought had my back, was actually carving me up by sticking a knife in it.  2020 is going to be my year because I said so, and I do what I say I'm going to do.  Stay tuned, friends 🙌🙌
« Last Edit: November 21, 2019, 02:04:27 AM by beyondblessed »

Offline Mortesbride

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Re: The transformative power of love
« Reply #126 on: November 21, 2019, 06:24:59 AM »
These clowns that left us have no qualifications for that level of commitment .  Not to us... and not to the unfortunate people they are with right now.  And, I say right now, because many of them, even if it's years down the road, will leave those people just like they did us.  They have already proven that they cannot be trusted, so who wants someone like that?  Someone just like them.... and that is not us.  They have so much work to do on themselves that I think many will just never try....and that's even if they allow themselves to accept thsy were the problem all along.

I enjoyed reading this because I have thought similar things but never shared them as of yet. We talk about how the OW should not trust our spouse...because he could leave his family and go to her....yet how often do we look at the other side? How can we trust a spouse or left us for a person they were so in love with....and then when it doesn't work out they come crawling back? Is it because they really loved us more? Or is it because they don't have another option at that time? Are we happy being the fall back position? How does that make us any different in the love race? Why are we even running for someone who may do it all again?

Tough questions. I am glad I am not the only one looking at these.  :)
You know this is MLC when you have played emotional hot potato with a pair of crotch-less tights.

Online Treasur

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Re: The transformative power of love
« Reply #127 on: November 21, 2019, 07:50:47 AM »
Good point, Morte, and definitely part of the LBS process although not sure everyone reaches the same conclusion.
There are some inherent epic logic fails along the LBS path as we go I think.
The need - rightly - to say well he/she is no prize and ow/om has got a partner who (fill in the relevant descriptive words lol).. but that this person is the same person we want back or are Standing for or crying over or want to reconcile with? No judgment from me on any conclusion anyone reaches about their own life but there is a shedload of cognitive dissonance to wrestle with along the way imho.

I remember even now the point when I knew that, no matter what happened, I simply could not get back the relationship I had and valued. And as I felt more like Me, it became easier to see that for me I never would have knowingly married someone who did not value fidelity or trust, see me as deeply important to them or who would abuse me. Never. And if I would not have chosen it then, why would I choose it now? Even if I have no idea how/why my former h became that kind of person, the truth is that he did and he was sufficiently ok with that to keep doing it for a very long time. If he is no prize, why would I want him? And actually, once the LBS feelings drop, the truth is that he stopped being good enough for me rather than the other way round.
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline Mortesbride

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Re: The transformative power of love
« Reply #128 on: November 21, 2019, 08:49:25 AM »
Ditto Treasur.

In fact this whole discussion reminds me a bit of those old Jerry Springer shows... where two women who are relatively attractive are fighting over how much they love some guy...

Then out walks some jobless, lives with his momma, wife beater shirt wearing mess of a man....

And I used to just laugh and laugh wondering what either of these women were thinking to humiliate themselves with this guy.

Certainly a more dramatic and extreme version...yet....
You know this is MLC when you have played emotional hot potato with a pair of crotch-less tights.

Online Treasur

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Re: The transformative power of love
« Reply #129 on: November 21, 2019, 08:56:24 AM »
 :)
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline KeepItTogether

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Re: The transformative power of love
« Reply #130 on: November 21, 2019, 10:11:41 AM »

In fact this whole discussion reminds me a bit of those old Jerry Springer shows... where two women who are relatively attractive are fighting over how much they love some guy...

Then out walks some jobless, lives with his momma, wife beater shirt wearing mess of a man....


Well if THAT didn't paint the perfect picture for me right now, I  don't know what does.

Beyond--I am slooooooowly getting to the point where the "better" I know I deserve is NOT H. Not now anyway, and probably not ever.

And congrats on getting pinned. ;)
Me 48
H 47
S12
BD 5/16
H Moved out 6/16
OW--yes. Worked for H. EA turned into PA while I was in chemo. On again/off again like every high school romance

Offline readytofixmyselffirst

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Re: The transformative power of love
« Reply #131 on: November 21, 2019, 12:16:25 PM »
Hello,

Quote
How can we trust a spouse or left us for a person they were so in love with....and then when it doesn't work out they come crawling back? Is it because they really loved us more? Or is it because they don't have another option at that time? Are we happy being the fall back position?

In the beginning, believe it or not, I thought I was the bad guy and that I had pushed my ex towards OM. In fact, I saw her as a victim and if OM was gone, she would come back to her senses. As time passed, I began to see my ex in a different light. By the time of the divorce, I was aware than my ex would do anything to me and was not above hurting me for her own gain.

I ended my stand because I realized if things didn't work out between her and English Bob, I was the fall back option. I really didn't want to be someone's option B. Too much time had passed and had it been within the first few years, I would have been in a different place and mindset. However, I was done, really done by the time she pulled out of our driveway and headed to Washington. That was over six years ago.

I am not in anyway stating those that do reconcile are facing the same dilemma that I faced and I am happy for all the marriages that reconciled.  I just knew it wasn't going to happen for me. There was far too much damage and destruction and I was just ready to move on- for me.

I am in a different point in my life now. I am deeply in love with my wife (Morte post, bald guy, not really attractive, rubbing his wife shoulders and getting them drinks could have easily been Ready!) I work hard at my new job and I go home content and happy with where I am at this point in my life. I go home to a beautiful lady that cracks me up all the time. For example, we are at Costco and she found these pjs that had polka dots. She asked me to feel how soft they were. On the way home she held them. "I don't want them in the back with the rest of the stuff". She wears them and tells me, "These are perfect, they are soft and have polka dots, I love polka dots. Next time, I am going to buy two more pairs and I will wear them every night for the winter." Yep, that's my wife. I also found out that we have a pot luck tomorrow. I text her and she immediately volunteers to make fried rice for the event. Just amazing!

You really hit the sweet spot when the person you love is into you just as much as you are into them. That's finding the place where you are desired and welcomed- not despised and tolerated.

I am glad that you post on the forum. It serves as a reminder that our journeys can and will take us to different places. That reconciliation is the only option for the LBSer to feel success. We all talk about their journey through the tunnel and how they change once they reemerge from the crisis. Yes, I believe that the person that entered the tunnel is different from the one that went in. Yes, the one that went in is gone, gone forever, but so is the person that she left behind. Ready is different  and no longer interested in the new person that emerged from the tunnel. She seems nice, but I am just not interested.

So, continue to post and enjoy each day- not because of Mr. Big (although he sounds really cool, but because of you) To continue to live and demonstrate that we all can empower ourselves to rise- not for our spouses, but for the loved ones that cherish us. That is paving the way.

(((Hugs)))

Ready








"Always look in the mirror and love what you see."

Offline stillbaffled

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Re: The transformative power of love
« Reply #132 on: November 22, 2019, 12:18:10 PM »

I continue to be grateful everyday that my life is my own and that the choices I've made for almost 4 years now have set me so much higher than where I found myself....crying in a heap outside my bedroom door because the 1 man in this life, who I thought had my back, was actually carving me up by sticking a knife in it.  2020 is going to be my year because I said so, and I do what I say I'm going to do.  Stay tuned, friends 🙌🙌


Oh, you can bet I'll be staying tuned in, BB! 

I also was so devastated I had to go on antidepressants for 7-8 months, something I never, EVER, thought I would have to do. 

But, my MLCer helped me out by marrying the wanna-be Elizabeth Taylor (he's husband number 5)  so I made the choice to pick myself up, move forward and live my life with all the blessings that I still had in it. 


BD: 1/1/16
Together 15 years - married 7 years
His divorce final 7/26/16
Married the OW

After all, tomorrow is another day.

Offline beyondblessedTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: The transformative power of love
« Reply #133 on: November 22, 2019, 02:57:48 PM »
Morte... I completely understand what you are saying, and for me, no way in hell was I ever going to tank my self respect by chasing a man child having a mental meltdown, especially considering the ultimate, gutter diving expedition he embarked on and the trash it yielded.  One can only image the STDs you'd have to be tested for....along with having your head examined in that same visit.  Ummm, no thanks.  Self respect firmly in place, and even stronger 4 years later.  Hallelujah.

KIT......you absolutely deserve the best, and no, unfortunately that is not your H right now.  The things he's doing, especially by ignoring your S are pretty unbelievable, but he is a man in a mental crisis and hurting himself more than he realizes.  I know your S can see this for himself and that you are the strongest, most loving mom he could ask for, so he's in good hands, even without his dad.  It just is so sad what they do to their own flesh and blood.  Incomprehensible.

SB....Mrs Six Surnames may have the failed marriages in common with Liz Taylor, but that's it.  She's just another pawn on the chess board.  You, however, are a badass Harley riding chick, who turned an empty pole barn into a nice little side business.  Turning lemons into spiked lemonade....atta, girl 😁

Ready, I completely relate to moving on to a better partner...one who sees the fire in your eyes and isn't afraid to play with it.  Life doesn't get any better than that.  And, yes, Mr. Big is a pretty awesome dude.

I can't wipe smile off of my face.  I'm off to bake him some Fireball Banana bread and then spend the weekend at his place.  He mentioned taking me out for a nice dinner, so the least I can do is supply him some dessert and sugar 😉😉

Offline beyondblessedTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: The transformative power of love
« Reply #134 on: December 02, 2019, 05:26:21 AM »
Just an update from the Thanksgiving weekend that was so busy.  Lots of laughter,  happiness and good times, shared, but also some sad news concerning Mr. Big's dad.

Big's dad seemed to be recovering as well as could be expected in the week following his stroke, and leading into Thanksgiving.   As I mentioned in my initial post,  he was not expected to survive the initial stroke,  so it all seemed relatively positive and Big's family had higher Hope's to get him moved to rehab.  Well, unfortunately as Big spent the holiday with me and my family, he got a call that out of the blue, a second stroke had occurred in the early hours Thanksgiving day.  No improvements since, and once my heart breaks for Big and his family as they prepare to say goodbye.  Big and I have had a couple of talks about his feeling and how he was coping, in fact a huge one yesterday, confirming and reassuring me he will deal with it maturely like an adult with solid coping skills.  Not going to lie...this situation is a huge trigger because my xh went completely bonkers when his dad passed away.

With Big, I was able to open up the abandonment wound simply because I trust him to be understanding and completely honest with me.  And, that's exactly what I got from him.  I assured him this was my work to do to heal the betrayal and trust issues...and to firmly acknowledge that Big was absolutely NOTHING like the cowardly abandoner and this really had nothing to do with him at all...it would be any new love interest and the same trust and intimacy would have to develop with me taking the responsibility for my feelings and emotions.   I will tell you, although I'm a little upset to continue with occasional triggers, I am grateful that I can recognize and deal with them appropriately.  Big has been a man of his word since day 1, and for that alone, I am already blessed because there is no room for doubt or miscommunication.  And, those two things...trust and open communication, along with the huge amount of respect he's shown me have won him a solid place in my life.

He met my family on Thanksgiving and got so much praise from them.  My mom commented that his level of respect and concern for me was obvious, and my dad admitted he was pleasantly surprised...because as already stated, I have kissed a couple frogs...lol

I've met many of his friends and it's amazing how welcoming they all are.  All of them are already making plans to include me in their group and talking summer time...which is funny considering we just met and summer's a good few months away.

So life is good and stable, and most of all it is happy and filled with many blessings.  Unless something happens with Big's dad to update, I will be leaving this site.  I wish all of you nothing but the best in life.  As always, my final thought is for you to remember that your life will always be a culmination of your choices.  You, and you alone, are responsible for making it what it is now, and what it will be in the future.  Good or bad, happy or sad....it's up to you.

Offline stillbaffled

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Re: The transformative power of love
« Reply #135 on: December 02, 2019, 06:10:05 PM »
Sorry to hear about Big's Dad.  I hope that he'll be able to handle all of it in a manner that won't even remotely resemble your runaway. 

It sounds as though things are moving along nicely for the two of you.  It's so nice to read that.  You know what's best for you, but I'll be sad to see you leave this site.  It's a good thing I know how to keep in touch with you through other venues! 

You've given lots here.  I appreciate that. 
BD: 1/1/16
Together 15 years - married 7 years
His divorce final 7/26/16
Married the OW

After all, tomorrow is another day.

Offline Mortesbride

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Re: The transformative power of love
« Reply #136 on: December 03, 2019, 03:21:12 AM »
Good luck beyond. Look forward to hearing from you in the future. :)
You know this is MLC when you have played emotional hot potato with a pair of crotch-less tights.

 

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