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Author Topic: My Story The transformative power of love

D
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My Story Re: The transformative power of love
#30: January 15, 2019, 10:41:14 AM
Beyond, so wonderful to have an update from you!!

I realized long ago, from another situation, that trust is like gas in a car. Without it you can sit in the car all you want but it is not going anywhere. And so when the trust was broken in my marriage around BD, I realized pretty quick that unless he came forward to try to repair the broken trust I was getting out of a marriage that was going nowhere. But Lord it is hard and you have to drag your poor broken, sobbing heart around after your head for a very long time. 

I spent the allotted time after BD examining the OW and trying to figure out what she had that I didn't. Why did he pick her over me??  And I came to some pretty startling realization after some time.  OW, who tried to steal my life, actually only managed to steel the one thing that held be back the most  - my H.   Things became easier to accomplish after LB bolted - there was no ball and chain around my leg objecting and forgetting and refusing...  a world of possibilities opened up paint colors, furniture, vacations, lifestyle choices were all on the table.  And yes, the things I was struggling with were BECAUSE of him. I learned in IC that LB's constant "forgetting" the milk, to call the repairman, to find a babysitter so we could have a date night, to call home, to help all of which left me scrambling last minute to fix all the "forgotten" things was abusive and unkind behavior.  And then the OW taking my H became a joke among my friends - well, now that OW has LB to help her .... Bahahaha!

The other thing I learned is that LB didn't discard me for something better... he discarded me for someone who couldn't see his BS.  He didn't want to change or grow or become a better person. He wanted someone who would put up with his BS because I wasn't going to do it anymore.  That was eye opening.

In my time on HS, I haven't found one quitter.  We may all chose different paths but Lord we are the kindest, most compassion, strongest group of people I have ever found on this planet. Standing is no joke... my brother is back home now and that struggle is real. Those triggers are painful and the healing is going to  take time amid a lot of uncertainty.  Unconditional love of another person is bada$$. 

But those who choose to move on... that is no easy task either. Facing a void alone, letting go of everything you have known is scary stuff.   I had to look in the mirror one day and realize I was terrified to succeed. I had no idea that was even a thing ... afraid to succeed? How stupid is that??  But I was... and I still am most days. It was easier to sit on the bathroom floor and feel sorry for myself.... at least I understand that.

But in either scenario, you have to let go of everything you have ever known before and be willing to walk through the next door of your life alone and start over again with something new.                 
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« Last Edit: January 15, 2019, 10:44:17 AM by Dumbfounded »
Married 1998
MLC H 48
LBS W 47
D16, S12
BD March, 2016
Left home Sept 4, 2016 - living with parents
H filed for D - July 24, 2017
D final March 14, 2018 - still living at parent's house

“You've seen my descent, now watch my rising.”
― Jalaluddin Rumi

T
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Re: The transformative power of love
#31: January 15, 2019, 10:57:49 AM
Great post, DF.  All of that really resonated with me. Thank you.
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Re: The transformative power of love
#32: January 15, 2019, 11:04:53 AM
Hello beyondblessed. I only want to add that I love the title of your thread.
I was very moved by your update. 

I shared this on my own thread.

Quote
Beyondblessed has updated her thread. It's titled "the transformative power of love".
It's very encouraging & uplifting & positive & I feel it exudes self-love.

Thank you.
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« Last Edit: January 15, 2019, 11:19:06 AM by sada »
Sada
Married 13 years, together 23
Apr 2014: PA discovered, ow 22 yrs younger
May 2014: "I love her & she loves me"
("But I'll always love you the most")
Jun 2014: Left home to live w OW
Aug 2014: Back home. "Sorry, made mistakes"
Late 2015: Ow2 (a couple of dates I think). Monster
  returned for several months 
Today: H progressing thru mlc positively. Has remained
  home and reconciled
Arguments & disagreements very infrequent
Enjoying our time together

b
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Re: The transformative power of love
#33: January 15, 2019, 04:24:13 PM
DF.... I was told one thing early on that still stocks, with me:  They (the abandoner)  don't look for someone better than us,  they look for someone worse than themselves.   If that wasn't a light bulb moment for me, then I wasn't paying attention.   Of course they are just as bad as the abandoner,  lies,  cheating,  and a host of other immoral misdeeds... Who in their right mind would take up with someone like that?   Not a person I'd want an intimate relationship with.... EVER.

We were all put in a damned if you do/don't position when they walked away.   Standing comes at a price,  as does walking away on your own.   Like you DF,  I am thriving and growing in ways I never did or could have.   In 16 years of marriage,  I never had any growth and when I did start asserting change and growth,  the awakening happened.   A part of now realizes that xh saw this movement as a threat to his need of being in control.   Enter OW,  gullible,  clueless and dumb and weak enough to stay under his thumb.   Bullseye,  new target and someone as you say, who could not see his bull$h!te.

The problems start when the stupid wears off and things are seen for what they are.... a bunch of lies spun to look like a fairytale web of bliss and destined soulmates.    ::)    From then on,  until they crash and burn or simply resign themselves to the misery they've created to save face rather than admit they firetrucked up,  they furiously bail water from the sinking ship just to keep it afloat.   Bliss,  right?   lol

Sada.... thank you so much for joining in.   My journey is far from typical to most you will hear about,  which is why I feel it is so imperative to share.   There is life after this,  no matter what you choose.   Your happiness is dependent upon you,  so if you are miserable,  you better do something to change that.  Did I ever imagine a life without my xh??  Hell no.   I thought we had been through so many storms and survived that we'd be together til one of us died.   Problem was,  we weathered those storms as individuals, separately.   At the end of the day..and ultimately the marriage,  there was only a him and a me,  no us.
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h
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Re: The transformative power of love
#34: January 15, 2019, 05:51:45 PM
I am loving this conversation ladies.  So empowering.
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BD's in May 09, Sept 12 - suspected OW
Left home Jan 12 2013
OW confirmed Feb 2013
Moved home April 11 2014
BD again in April 2017 - clinging. 
Moved home again March 2020
Moved out July 2017
D20, D18 and S16

b
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Re: The transformative power of love
#35: January 16, 2019, 12:08:17 PM
H&F,  so glad you are drawing strength from this conversation.   That is my sole purpose,  my one aim from all of this destruction:  to show the way to contentment and happiness, without a reunion with the abandoner.   All too often the LBS seems to stay stuck,  with wheels firmly entrenched in the mud.   We all have the ability to kick our lives into 4-wheel drive,  mash the gas,  and let the mud fly in glorious fashion.   You just have to decide you are worthy of so much more than you've settled.   Once you get to the point of giving yourself the grace and love that the abandoner was incapable of,  I can guarantee you will only ever look back to see how far you've come on your own.   Self love brings healing,  healing brings strength and confidence,  and strength and confidence bring growth.   When you grow,  you automatically shift to a new level in all areas of your life.  That's why it is extremely difficult to reunite successfully with the abandoner..... because in a weird way,  you've now left them far behind in the mud puddle they created.
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K
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Re: The transformative power of love
#36: January 16, 2019, 02:02:40 PM
Self love brings healing,  healing brings strength and confidence,  and strength and confidence bring growth.   When you grow,  you automatically shift to a new level in all areas of your life.  That's why it is extremely difficult to reunite successfully with the abandoner..... because in a weird way,  you've now left them far behind in the mud puddle they created.

THIS!!!  It's funny Beyond. I just had a conversation with H a couple nights ago. It was so one-sided. All him. So self-involved. So childish the way he was blaming everyone for everything bad in his life. I was thinking to myself, "Why would I want to be in a relationship with this person EVER?" The truth is, I don't. Not the person he is now. But that is who he is now.   
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Me 49
H 47
S13
BD 5/16
H Moved out 6/16
OW--yes. Worked for H. EA turned into PA while I was in chemo. On again/off again like every high school romance

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Re: The transformative power of love
#37: January 16, 2019, 02:17:12 PM
I do think this is a point many LBS reach. The MLCer just offers nothing appealing at all. Our spouse did and we hang on to that for quite a while but eventually we just get fed up with the MLC stuff and drop the rope. Time will show I suppose both if we feel any connection to the pre-mlc version that lasts long enough or if they shows signs of any more appealing post-mlc version.
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T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

b
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Re: The transformative power of love
#38: January 16, 2019, 03:08:09 PM
Treasur....I do agree.   Most will seek to move on to bigger and better pursuits.   Some may decide to resume some type of relationship with the abandoner,  more likely I would have to say if they are bound by children,  but not necessarily,  or they may just fly so high,  the abandoner will never have a chance of reaching them.   I know 100% I'm in the latter category.   I'd never give him so much as a 2nd glance now.  Not because I harbor hate against him,  but simply because I'm way out of his league.   The new me is only interested in men punching within their weight class.
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« Last Edit: January 16, 2019, 03:10:55 PM by beyondblessed »

b
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Re: The transformative power of love
#39: January 16, 2019, 05:54:49 PM
Self love brings healing,  healing brings strength and confidence,  and strength and confidence bring growth.   When you grow,  you automatically shift to a new level in all areas of your life.  That's why it is extremely difficult to reunite successfully with the abandoner..... because in a weird way,  you've now left them far behind in the mud puddle they created.

THIS!!!  It's funny Beyond. I just had a conversation with H a couple nights ago. It was so one-sided. All him. So self-involved. So childish the way he was blaming everyone for everything bad in his life. I was thinking to myself, "Why would I want to be in a relationship with this person EVER?" The truth is, I don't. Not the person he is now. But that is who he is now.


Exactly my point, KIT!  At some point,  you have to accept that they are not the people we once saw them as being.   The vile people they are now attract the vile people they associate with,  and as DF so astutely stated "Show me your friends,  and I'll show you your future".  Is it any wonder so many of them land face first in rock bottom?
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