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Author Topic: My Story The transformative power of love

C
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My Story Re: The transformative power of love
#90: September 26, 2019, 05:18:41 PM
Beyond,

Your post made me think.

Imagine if someone handed you an explanation that said “oh, it’s because they have xyz.”  Would that satisfy? Would there ever be a rational answer to emotional pain.

The more I consider it, the more I don’t think it would help.

I think the vagueness of it, is conducive to one good thing.....it allows the LBS to consider themselves.
To begin to sweep the whole of their lives and marriages....and eventually themselves entirely. It won’t solve MLC. But it becomes the catalyst of introspection and getting to know ones self.

So I’m content.

We adventure off into the unknown, I wonder what we will find?
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Me 37
H 37
S15
Wallower/Chaos kid
EA discovered 3/31/2019
BD March 31 2019
EA ongoing? 🤷‍♀️ (Who knows?)
“God allows us to feel the frailty of human love so we’ll appreciate the strength of his.” C.S. Lewis

b
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Re: The transformative power of love
#91: September 26, 2019, 05:50:17 PM
Courage, I've always said this crisis may have started with them, but it ends for us, the LBS, when we decide it does.  It didn't take me long to realize that my life was my own and whatever was to become of it was dependent on my actions and choices alone.  I bore no responsibility for the MLC'er's choices and he damn sure wasn't going to dictate mine through childish games and weak attempts at further emotional abuse and manipulations.   Once the mask falls off, it is very difficult to see them as we once did.  That alone is enough closure.

As far as everyone saying this scar they've left is permanent, I guess it is.  But, a scar just means you've lived through something that could have maybe killed you, but instead, you kicked its ass and continued to thrive from that day forward.

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D
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Re: The transformative power of love
#92: September 27, 2019, 09:46:36 AM
Turn up your light full blast.  Those people who complain it is too bright and shrink away are not your people.  Do not dim your light to make other people comfortable.
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Married 1998
MLC H 48
LBS W 47
D16, S12
BD March, 2016
Left home Sept 4, 2016 - living with parents
H filed for D - July 24, 2017
D final March 14, 2018 - still living at parent's house

“You've seen my descent, now watch my rising.”
― Jalaluddin Rumi

b
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Re: The transformative power of love
#93: September 27, 2019, 01:56:37 PM
So true, DF.  The weak will fall away when things get too tough and real for them.   Back in the day, my xh was already showing signs of envy and obvious disdain that I was more well received and liked by people.  Well, when you act like a jerk and an ahole, people tend not to want to be around you.   

He'd really hate to be around me now because I am super nova now and the attention I get without so much as flexing is ridiculous, but that sure doesn't stop me from showing my guns lol
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Re: The transformative power of love
#94: September 27, 2019, 05:17:47 PM
Quote
Nothing, and I mean absolutely nothing comes of trying to make any kind of logical sense of all this insanity.  For people once thought to be decent, kind, intelligent and loving to become the most selfish @$$holes and to stupidly throw their good lives away for nothing but fantasy is completely insane.
Yep. No explanation other than total insanity for them to throw their lives away the way they do. Bonkers. I wish I would have figured this out a lot sooner. Oh well.

You're sounding good Supernova. ;)
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"I'm slowly learning to expect nothing and appreciate everything."

Together 28 years, married 27
Two adult kids, ours

BD #1: 2016 - EA
BD #2: 2018 - FA
W moved out - June 2019
OM#3 - July 2019
W asks for divorce - August 2019
Divorce final - September 2019
Card-carrying member of the Iffer Party

My thread: https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=11093.0;topicseen

s
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Re: The transformative power of love
#95: September 27, 2019, 05:24:45 PM

As far as everyone saying this scar they've left is permanent, I guess it is.  But, a scar just means you've lived through something that could have maybe killed you, but instead, you kicked its ass and continued to thrive from that day forward.


Yup, I have the scar, I did live through it and I continue to.  I'd be going out on a limb to say I kicked its ass but I am thriving and living the best life I can considering the crap sandwich that I had to eat. 

I'm not to supernova status yet!   ;)
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BD: 1/1/16
Together 15 years - married 7 years
His divorce final 7/26/16
Married the OW

After all, tomorrow is another day.

b
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Re: The transformative power of love
#96: September 27, 2019, 05:42:45 PM
Oh, PJ, you are so much further ahead of this game than you realize, but I think that it is just because of the timing and how it's all playing out for you atm.  You've got this, my friend.  Just keep swimming!!  Or that awful thing called running 5ks that you must enjoy!!  lol

SB, are you kidding??  You are a freaking supernova on the grandest scale.  You brave those long, hellish Minnesota winters and blossom into a Harley riding, badass queen in the summer.  I got nothing on you, girl  ;)  I just keep  tossing weights and try to keep the gym creepers away.   lol
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Re: The transformative power of love
#97: September 27, 2019, 08:24:14 PM
Blessed,

You are truly an inspiration,  to so many.   You know how I feel about you,  I'm such a fan!  Although our paths have taken different directions,  I love how you've found yourself.   I think the difference in our stories has to do with our MLCers.  Mine was always,  and is again,  a truly good person. 

Thank you for letting me follow your remarkable story,  my friend.
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Married 11 1/2 years, together 18.  BD 9/2016, 2nd BD 10/16.  H moved out 10/16.  2 AS's from my first M.  Me 55, H 50. OW 23.  Moved back 4/18.  Reconnecting and working on our M.

"And once the storm is over, you won't remember how you made it through; how you managed to survive.  You won't even be sure if the storm is really over.  But one thing is certain; when you come out of the storm, you won't be the same person that walked in...that's what this storm is all about."

"The trick is to enjoy life.  Don't wish away your days, waiting for better ones."

b
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Re: The transformative power of love
#98: September 28, 2019, 03:12:23 AM
No Ex, thank you so much for your kind words.  They mean a lot because I greatly and deeply respect you.  You are by far one of the strongest and most gracious women I've ever had the privilege of knowing.   You rise, you fall, and then you rise again.  It is what winners do.  They face life's inevitable adversities, and they never give up, never stop trying.

Those qualities right there are what sets success and failure apart.  The will to persevere and win at all cost.  Sadly, for some like my xh, they do not possess those qualities because they were not raised in an environment where they could be properly learned.  Xh's father was an abandoning alcoholic, and his mother was always the victim, always dependent upon all of her children to do everything they could to make sure she never had to do anything for herself.  My xh tried so hard to be the perfect son and do that for her, but we all know that's an impossible task.  He truly had the best and most noble intentions at heart, I believe, but he never could set boundaries with her or any of his family,  and I really think the utter take, take, take selfishness of them all just mentally and emotionally drained him.  His physical health was already declining at 40, and he just basically gave up.  It was so much easier to quit and try to escape than to stand up for himself and be strong of mind and body.  Sad, really.  In my heart, I think he really believed I would be better off without him.  He was wrong in that sense, because I truly loved and respected that he could handle so much and still keep going, but it was all just a show.  He was falling apart, and I had no idea.

That all said, I have tried my best everyday since he left way back at the beginning of 2016 to make my peace with all of it.  Him. Me. Us.  I'm not perfect, and I've made tons of mistakes along the way, but I have created a solid foundation for this new transitioning and transforming BB.  She is of strong mind and body, she laughs and jokes and has a smile that could light the night sky..  thanks to those braces.  lol.

I know where I've been, and I know the direction I'm headed, but still unsure of that final destination.  That's what makes this new life so interesting.....it's an incredible opportunity that has come from an unspeakable hurt and disappointment., but I just keep going.
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b
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Re: The transformative power of love
#99: October 30, 2019, 02:38:32 PM
I can't believe I started this thread almost 2 years ago.  It was all about creating and finding new love and how it profoundly changes a person inside and out.  2 years later, I want to shout it from the highest rooftops.  Time is the most amazing gift, if you use it wisely.

You have to be willing to be vulnerable enough to trust and hope and have faith that not every person you meet will be like your ex (or your current spouse, whatever), yet strong and smart enough to see the red flags for what they are, if they appear.

You have to make the choice to be brave and put your heart out there again, if love is what you want, and for most of 2019, I wasn't looking for it at all.  Hoping, maybe, but definitely not chasing it, and guess what?  Just as has been said so often, it happens when you are not looking.  Love comes walking in, and it feels safe, secure and welcome.

It is a kindred spirit that recognizes your positivity and optimism and praises you for them.  It sees your wisdom and is drawn to your strength and returns those same qualities.  It is a strong, yet gentle and safe hug that feels like home.  It is something I've been patient enough to wait for because I knew it was rare, but also because I knew it was what I wanted, needed and deserved.  It is something I wasn't sure I'd ever find again, but now that it's found me, I will put all these lessons to good use.  Life doesn't get better by chance; it gets better by choice.   And what you are not changing, you are choosing.

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