Skip to main content

Author Topic: My Story The transformative power of love

b
  • *****
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 1936
  • Gender: Female
My Story Re: The transformative power of love
#50: June 03, 2019, 02:53:20 PM
Hello,  Ready,  we've not met yet,  but once upon a time... say 3 years ago at my awakening aka "bomb drop"... I was quite the black sheep of this MLC fodder.   I'd have to say my views of it have ruffled more than a few feathers,  but as they say,  it is what it is.

While I hate what this done to the LBS and their children (blessedly,  I never had any with my xh),  there comes a point when the past needs to left to itself.   Yes,  we all grieve and heal at our own individual pace,  but all you have to do is read thru thread upon thread of those LBS who cling just as hard the MLC'er to something long gone.   

That never was and never will be me.   I realized early into this bs that what I deserved was so much more than I'd ever gotten and I've never looked back since.   I've made the most of my life since that blessedly disguised day back in January 2016, and to be honest,  though I could have never predicted it then,  my life has never been better.   But,  it didn't happen by chance,  it happened by CHOICE.   I took responsibility for what was mine and I moved the firetruck forward with it.

None of us knew what was coming,  but those who lashed out against us sure as hell did.   And, to see so many LBS still here year upon years later and still trying to figure things out breaks my heart.   Boundaries are so vitally important because it is true.... if you let people walk all over you,  that is exactly what they will do... over and over,  until you tell them to firetruck off and cut the cord with them.   Too many come here with the hope that their marriages can be whole again.   I know I did,  but thank God everyday that most of those here then (well still here now)  told of such horrible deeds and despicable behavior from their MLC'er that I knew I would never look at mine the same; that there was no way in hell I'd ever be able to reconcile that kind of outright abuse and disrespect.  That's when I started standing for myself.

I hope you are able to resolve your matters quickly and easily.
I've since resumed my love of fitness and am an aspiring bodybuilder,  so I'm sure my xh wants no part of me anytime soon.   I can now deadlift and bench press far above his scrawny ass weight,  so it would be wise for him just to do the right thing for once and just sign on the dotted line like he should have 3 years ago when he created this mess.
  • Logged

  • *****
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 2711
  • Gender: Female
Re: The transformative power of love
#51: June 04, 2019, 05:27:32 AM
I've made the most of my life since that blessedly disguised day back in January 2016, and to be honest,  though I could have never predicted it then,  my life has never been better.   But,  it didn't happen by chance,  it happened by CHOICE.   I took responsibility for what was mine and I moved the firetruck forward with it.

Boundaries are so vitally important because it is true.... if you let people walk all over you,  that is exactly what they will do... over and over,  until you tell them to firetruck off and cut the cord with them. 

Great points for everyone, regardless if they are standing for their marriage or not. :)
  • Logged
You know this is MLC when you have played emotional hot potato with a pair of crotch-less tights.

b
  • *****
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 1936
  • Gender: Female
Re: The transformative power of love
#52: June 04, 2019, 02:00:37 PM
Morte,  I can see both sides here.   Part of me wanted to save my marriage,  at least initially.   I suggested counseling,  thinking we could improve in many areas,  but that's before all the skeletons started falling from the closet.   Never in a million years would I have thought him capable of the things he was doing,  but I was so naive.   His dad,  uncles,  cousins.... all messed up with affairs and addictions.   It is, a pattern and cycle that just keeps repeating.   One huge reason I'm so glad we never had kids now.   I would have hated from them to have been cursed with those genes and dispositions.

And,  I will admit,  xh had a horrible upbringing.   From what I've heard since the Day,  xh and his siblings lived in a war zone with two very narrcicistic parents.   I knew it wasn't good,  but never knew how bad until the youngest brother,  who had already had multiple affairs before our divorce,  left his own wife and teen daughter less than a year after xh bailed on me.   His xw,  my former SIL,  then told me everything he'd ever told her.   It truly sickened and horrified me.   I had no idea of the hell it actually was because xh only once eluded to some abuse.... and he never mentioned it again in the 18 years we were together.   So,  I can feel sympathy for xh because of that,  but he's a grown man now.   He could have chosen to be moral, responsible, decent,  faithful.... yada, yada, yada,  but he didn't.   He chose the coward's path of least resistance and ran like the rest.  In an instant,  I lost every shred of respect I ever had for him.   There's no way I could ever look at him the same, and the fact that 3 years later he's still the same ahole makes me just pity him.  He was the one out of his lunatic family that had the best potential for success, and like an idiot, he threw it all away.
  • Logged

s
  • *****
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 4693
  • Gender: Female
Re: The transformative power of love
#53: June 04, 2019, 02:43:01 PM
Doesn't January of 2016 seem like a very long time ago?!!  We've come a long way, BB!  I really should update my thread just for posterity sake! 

So how did the legal business go?  If you can't post here, please do send me a PM. 
  • Logged
BD: 1/1/16
Together 15 years - married 7 years
His divorce final 7/26/16
Married the OW

After all, tomorrow is another day.

b
  • *****
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 1936
  • Gender: Female
Re: The transformative power of love
#54: June 05, 2019, 02:07:18 PM
SB, 3 years ago seems like a different lifetime ago.  It sounds so short, but so much living and thriving has been packed into it, that it feels like light years.  The time has passed and it has been spent so wisely and for the most part carefully and conservatively.  I have learned so much about myself beyond what I thought I already knew.  Those are the sweetest lessons of all.

The brief meeting with my attorney was awesome.  He's such a terrific man, unlike the one I can't get rid of.  He gushed about my transformation and we laughed about the stupidity of xh being afraid to meet me face to face to easily settle this issue.  Then, he told me it was so great to see me smiling and so happy now.  And I really smiled when he said he would take care of this bull$h!te at no charge, though paying him would have been a pleasure just to get rid of xh once and for all.  He kept my document and was going to call the coward to come and sign it.  Can't have beautiful and buff BB there.... that would be too intimidating and traumatizing for the little baby  I mean, not that I blame him.  If I were him I'd stay as far away from the hot, successful xw as possible because too much reality would probably be stroke worthy. lmao  And what he's stuck with now sorely pales in comparison.... not that there is any at all.  Outclassed, outsmarted, out muscled, out hustled you name it, I got it in spades.

As soon as that document is signed, the last tie will be severed.  Oh, he'll still be lurking and stalking through family and friends, but I've got nothing to hide.  What you see, is what you get, and baby, I got it goin on  ;)  He can cower on the ground and watch, while I continue to soar with the eagles.  That'll be fun  ;D  Oh, what a tangled web he's woven for himself.  Couldn't have happened to a nicer guy  ::)
  • Logged

  • *
  • Mentor
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 4177
  • Gender: Male
  • Back to being #1 for my daughters!!!!
Re: The transformative power of love
#55: June 06, 2019, 06:35:53 AM
Hello,

Quote
I didn't see my xh leaving as a loss, but a regaining of myself.

This is vital. After bomb drop, I was a complete mess. My self esteem was shot and I was wallowing in pity and self loathing. Couldn't comprehend what was happening to my wife and my family.

Standing gave me time to think and grow. Not for my ex, but for me.

Quote
Boundaries are so vitally important because it is true.... if you let people walk all over you,  that is exactly what they will do... over and over,

Yep, I agree 100%. That was one lesson that I learned from my first marriage. Yes, my MLCer became a monster, but a lot of my behavior by letting her walk all over me for years with no boundaries, helped make that monster. I own that.

Quote
I've since resumed my love of fitness and am an aspiring bodybuilder,

Nice, I love the gym too. I used to run, but my knees are shot. I dated this crazy gal for a short period of time and she got me into Shaun T. I started with T25 and now Insanity Max 30. Helped transform my life. I think exercising and pushing your body helps bring a positive peace to my life. There's a certain exhilaration when you are curling and you feel that burn. You know the feeling and your arms are screaming and you reach your max and then push for one more.

That's living life, not wallowing. That's what we all should be doing.

(((((Ready)))))



  • Logged
"Always look in the mirror and love what you see."

s
  • *****
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 4693
  • Gender: Female
Re: The transformative power of love
#56: June 06, 2019, 06:48:16 AM
Sounds like the legal business will be taken care of in proper fashion!   Excellent news. 

You have really thrived.  Way to go! 
  • Logged
BD: 1/1/16
Together 15 years - married 7 years
His divorce final 7/26/16
Married the OW

After all, tomorrow is another day.

b
  • *****
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 1936
  • Gender: Female
Re: The transformative power of love
#57: June 06, 2019, 02:25:09 PM
SB..... Yes, I definitely wanted to do it in a way that xh couldn't lie his way out of it.   Sad that's all I think of him after all the years, but he did all of this to himself.  And, thank you, thriving is really a good feeling.  I want others here to see this bull$h!te as an opportunity to grow the firetruck out of their comfort zones and become the people they are truly meant to be.   Had this not happened the way it did, I'd never have moved.  I'd still be bending over backwards for a fool who didn't have the vision to recognize and appreciate the good thing he had.  It's only fitting that he truly has what he deserves now.  That makes me smile  ;D

Ready, a great workout is the best medicine and a not so great workout is the second best.  I'm 46 you and in the best shape of my life. Most people think I'm in my early 30s, so since becoming unburdened by all of this nonsense, I've actually aged in reverse!  That's a damn good feeling!  I've shed so much more than the physical weight because what you acheive all starts in your mind before you even touch that iron.  You have to be mentally strong before you will ever achieve any level of physical fitness.  And my gym bros are the absolute best group of guys... truly like my brothers.  I'm the only woman in the weights area, but I know they all kinda dig it.   ;)    I'm no runner and I know that does take a toll on your knees, but maybe try some light squats?  I'm working on becoming a personal trainer, as well as a certified nutrition coach, so if you need any guidance, I'd be happy to try to help.  I'm on FB, so I'm easy to find.  Message me and I'll get you my info.  :)
  • Logged

  • *****
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 2711
  • Gender: Female
Re: The transformative power of love
#58: June 08, 2019, 04:17:14 PM
And,  I will admit,  xh had a horrible upbringing.   From what I've heard since the Day,  xh and his siblings lived in a war zone with two very narrcicistic parents.   I knew it wasn't good,  but never knew how bad until the youngest brother,  who had already had multiple affairs before our divorce,  left his own wife and teen daughter less than a year after xh bailed on me.   His xw,  my former SIL,  then told me everything he'd ever told her.   It truly sickened and horrified me.   I had no idea of the hell it actually was because xh only once eluded to some abuse.... and he never mentioned it again in the 18 years we were together.   So,  I can feel sympathy for xh because of that,  but he's a grown man now.   He could have chosen to be moral, responsible, decent,  faithful.... yada, yada, yada,  but he didn't.   He chose the coward's path of least resistance and ran like the rest.  In an instant,  I lost every shred of respect I ever had for him.   There's no way I could ever look at him the same, and the fact that 3 years later he's still the same ahole makes me just pity him.  He was the one out of his lunatic family that had the best potential for success, and like an idiot, he threw it all away.

This is where I sometimes get lost. When people blame their childhood for their behaviour.

Don't get me wrong I can see how it might trigger someone to misbehave or fall into addiction or whatever. To develop unhealthy coping mechanisms. But there is more at work than just your environment when people do insane things ''because of their childhood''. There is some deep character flaw that causes it.

So many kids live through terrible circumstances and come out with problems (anxiety, depression...etc) but never go on to do insane horrible things. Many people with perfect childhoods, go on to do insane horrible things.... There is some sort of internal programming that guides us in how we process and handle the trauma. Some managed to over come it, some do not. Some use it as an excuse to do the things they were already programmed to do, and some use it to fuel extraordinary stories of survival and overcoming the odds.
  • Logged
You know this is MLC when you have played emotional hot potato with a pair of crotch-less tights.

b
  • *****
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 1936
  • Gender: Female
Re: The transformative power of love
#59: June 08, 2019, 05:43:51 PM
Absolutely, Morte.  A person's upbringing may.... may, play a small part, but ultimately, life is based on choices.  These choices shape and direct our lives.  We all have perfectly free will to CHOOSE.  Every single action taken requires a choice and decision to be made.  Lots of things have happened to all of us, some good, some not so good, but at the end of the day, it is your response to the externals that determines the quality of your life.  And, blaming others like these abandoned love to do, is about as pathetic and empty a life as I can imagine.  For this reason alone, I have a hard time understanding why anyone would stand for such a person?  And, many times, for years upon years on end.  So much precious time is spent looking back and trying to hold on to something long and far gone.  It is truly a shame.  So much lost opportunity, because growth cannot happen if you refuse to move.  You can't stay tethered to the past while creating your future.  It's either one or the other.

  • Logged

 

Legal Disclaimer

The information contained within The Hero's Spouse website family (www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com, http://theherosspouse.com and associated subdomains), (collectively 'website') is provided as general information and is not intended to be a substitute for professional legal, medical or mental health advice or treatment for specific medical conditions. The Hero's Spouse cannot be held responsible for the use of the information provided. The Hero's Spouse recommends that you consult a trained medical or mental health professional before making any decision regarding treatment of yourself or others. The Hero's Spouse recommends that you consult a legal professional for specific legal advice.

Any information, stories, examples, articles, or testimonials on this website do not constitute a guarantee, or prediction regarding the outcome of an individual situation. Reading and/or posting at this website does not constitute a professional relationship between you and the website author, volunteer moderators or mentors or other community members. The moderators and mentors are peer-volunteers, and not functioning in a professional capacity and are therefore offering support and advice based solely upon their own experience and not upon legal, medical, or mental health training.