Skip to main content

Author Topic: My Story The transformative power of love

b
  • *****
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 1936
  • Gender: Female
My Story Re: The transformative power of love
#70: July 03, 2019, 02:57:38 PM
KIT, I believe it to be true that the truly decent parts of them are still "in there somewhere".  I think they are all mentally disturbed, emotional wrecks, and I don't mean that as a slam or a slight.  I really believe that some level of mental illness or deficiency is present in many, if not all, of them.

Psychological studies have shown links between children whose brains did not develop normally and early aged abuse, and I think it's highly likely that the FOO and issues such as this caused irreversible damage to the neurological pathways of the brain, early on, in many of these cases.  I'm definitely no expert, but something in their heads is broken, quite obviously.  They do not seem to have the ability to make rational, level-headed decisions.  Rather, the actions that they take are all emotionally-based, and we all know how under developed those skills seem to be, as well.  Not a great combination as far building a strong character goes.

The only way out of this for them is to fix what's broken, if that's even a possibility.  We, as the LBS, do not understand anything they do, and we deal with our own emotions of anger, grief, disappointment, etc. at the things they do, only because we function from a totally different level and our morals, values and integrity would never allow us to function in such a immoral, selfish manner.  Our brain regulates our thoughts and our thoughts guide our behavior.  And, their thoughts are a hot mess, as are the new lives they've created in secret.  The things you do in the dark will always be exposed in the light.... it's just a matter of time.  That's when the real work will begin for them, but first they have to find their way to that place.  Again, not sure how that would even happen.  It's just easier to keep running.

  • Logged

  • *
  • Mentor
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 4177
  • Gender: Male
  • Back to being #1 for my daughters!!!!
Re: The transformative power of love
#71: July 04, 2019, 07:14:07 AM
Hello,

I get what you mean by the childhood trauma. How does one overcome it? On one side there is my ex who grew up with an alcoholic father, a mother who attempted suicide, came to the US at a young age, became involved with her second cousin in a relationship, broke that off, met me and wa sin a marriage for 15 years with two daughters before going off on the crazy train.

Then there is my father. One of ten kids. He was part of the group that was the second wife. First wife died. Second wife was a wreck. She was an alcoholic and had mental issues her whole life. My Dad's father was distant and stayed and worked in his shop. At one point in their lives, wife ran off with the three younger children (my dad was the youngest) and all three ended up in foster care.

The only thing my dad had going for him was my mom. He graduated from high school despite failing three times. Yes, he was 21 when he graduated high school. My mom wouldn't marry him unless he graduated. They got married two years later and have been married ever since. No MLC or issues at all.

My childhood was great. I have no bad memories at all. I got spanked a lot, but every swat I got, I earned. We were never rich, but not poor. I look back on my early years and realize I had it pretty good.

So while I do agree that childhood trauma has an impact. I wonder why there are some that thrive despite the issues and others that fall off the deep end.

On another note. Tomorrow will end three weeks with a trainer. Generally the worked muscles are sore for a day and are fine after the second day. We haven't really increased weight, but work on form and technique until failure. I have to mentally condition myself to push myself harder when I work on my own as I tend to stop just as I reach failure rather than pushing my self all the way to failure. When I am with the trainer, he will motivate me to do two more and spot me if I start to fail. I feel more motivated to push forward.
What do you do to pump yourself to go to the next level?

I can do it with cardio and tell myself another mile or another 10 minutes but I have my timing down and can see the clock moving when I am on the bike. Weights are a different story.

Have a happy Fourth of July! Your journey is motivating me!

(((((Ready)))))




  • Logged
"Always look in the mirror and love what you see."

b
  • *****
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 1936
  • Gender: Female
Re: The transformative power of love
#72: July 06, 2019, 04:54:49 PM
Hey, Ready, I must agree that even with a tough upbringing and a family that operates from a position of total dysfunction, those things still do not excuse the appalling behavior and choices of the wayward spouse.  They merely provide a glimpse into the screwed up minds and mental chaos from which they seem to suffer tremendously.

I would hate to think someone in his or her "right" mind would 100% knowingly or willingly do and say the things they do and behave the way they do with the lying, stealing, cheating, and abusing.  That type of person would be akin to a sociopath or psychopath, and though may of us believe the MLC'er to be narcissistic on many levels, some even criminal, I hope they are not clinically defined as completely personality disordered.  For some though, I'm sure that's not out of the question, sadly.

It's awesome that you draw you joy from biking and interesting that you are not so passionate about the weights.  I am the exact opposite.  There is nothing better than having that iron in my hands.  Maybe it's because I'm always the lone woman surrounded by a crowd of men....  ;)  I am at the stage now where I have been massing to put on muscle weight, but soon I plan to cut and lean out to show more definition.  Cardio is a necessary evil... I've never loved it, but I know it has its place and benefits, so I suck it up and do it.  A lot like this new life, I may not love the work that needs to be done sometimes, but that's life and that's being a well-balanced, mentally stable and emotionally mature adult.  If he hadn't run away, maybe I could've at least taught my xh by example?
  • Logged

  • *****
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 2711
  • Gender: Female
Re: The transformative power of love
#73: July 15, 2019, 09:09:37 AM
So while I do agree that childhood trauma has an impact. I wonder why there are some that thrive despite the issues and others that fall off the deep end.

I think the answer to this is our character or personality. We can be born into the same family, treated exactly the same, yet come out completely different people. There has to be something programmed within us that varies be it 'character', 'personality', 'older soul'...whatever terminology you feel comfortable with. The same abuse will affect two individuals completely differently. They both feel the pain, they both experience the bruises....yet one allows themselves to become a victim and the other uses it to fuel their fight.
  • Logged
You know this is MLC when you have played emotional hot potato with a pair of crotch-less tights.

D
  • *****
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 2910
  • Gender: Female
Re: The transformative power of love
#74: July 15, 2019, 10:34:45 AM
My friend took in two brothers from foster care that had experienced the same exact trama/mistreatment... albiet one a little longer than the other. The one turned his pain to the dark side.... he contained an evil that was, as far a we could tell, unfixable and permanent.  He did not respond to love or affection. My friend was terrified of him. He would say the most horrific things. The older brother wore himself out trying to fix everything, patch it up, make it ok. His heart was so big it was destroying him. Both were broken by the same thing... but carried the hurt differently.         
  • Logged
Married 1998
MLC H 48
LBS W 47
D16, S12
BD March, 2016
Left home Sept 4, 2016 - living with parents
H filed for D - July 24, 2017
D final March 14, 2018 - still living at parent's house

“You've seen my descent, now watch my rising.”
― Jalaluddin Rumi

b
  • *****
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 1936
  • Gender: Female
Re: The transformative power of love
#75: July 15, 2019, 04:59:06 PM
It really all boils down to how a person views him or herself in every case.  Victor or victim?  Winner or loser?  Triumph or tragedy.  What you believe about yourself you become.  If you see yourself as a total failure and screw up, guess what?  It is no coincidence that your life turns to total $h!te.  Your thoughts create your destiny.

Many here, including myself, have read The Four Agreements.  Late last week, I blessedly stumbled upon the Fifth Agreement and am about halfway through it.  The Fifth Agreement is about self mastery and becoming our best and most authentic selves by unlearning the lies we've been fed since birth and relearning our own unique and individual  truths, which then can guide us to creating our best story or life.  It is already a book that I think every LBS and absolutely every MLC'er (if only they had the mental ability and clarity) should read.  Words and beliefs are powerful, and how you choose to interpret and incorporate them will shape your life.   Sadly, many of those in crisis just didn't learn to develop  a strong enough belief in themselves and it's cost them dearly.
  • Logged

b
  • *****
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 1936
  • Gender: Female
Re: The transformative power of love
#76: August 05, 2019, 06:02:52 AM
Back once more to share that my wonderful parents celebrated their 50th, yes 50th, anniversary this past weekend.  What an amazing and inspirational accomplishment!  They have always taught me and my 3 siblings through such great example.  I know their relationship,  like every relationship, has had many ups and downs, but they have never given up on each other and they BOTH choose to love each other every single day, and THAT is what makes a marriage work.

I see more clearly now more than ever why xh and I were doomed from the start.  We were raised in 2 completely different environments.   Mine, loving, supportive,  and encouraging, and him, abusive, dysfunctional and broken.  We both became products of those environments and had no common ground between us.  I think he was attracted to my "strong and normal" and the empath in me wanted to fix his "hurt and broken".  Folks, I'm here to tell ya, if you haven't already figured it out for yourselves, that does NOT work.

I'm also here to say once again how much better life becomes once you start healing your own wounds and taking full responsibility for your own life, in the midst of all this chaos.  Drop the rope, focus on you, recreate yourself as you were meant to be.  True life....and love begins outside of this facade of comfort that was once our marriages.  We didn't get to choose for our wayward spouse, but we do get to choose who we become and what we will accomplish.  Don't waste that opportunity like they have.
  • Logged

  • *
  • Mentor
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 10438
  • Gender: Male
  • You can't please everyone. You are NOT a pizza!
Re: The transformative power of love
#77: August 05, 2019, 06:17:41 AM
I'm also here to say once again how much better life becomes once you start healing your own wounds and taking full responsibility for your own life, in the midst of all this chaos.  Drop the rope, focus on you, recreate yourself as you were meant to be.  True life....and love begins outside of this facade of comfort that was once our marriages.  We didn't get to choose for our wayward spouse, but we do get to choose who we become and what we will accomplish.  Don't waste that opportunity like they have.

That there is some Gospel Truth!
  • Logged
Me - 57, xW - 50
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation & 21 at D-Day
S - 13, D - 9
2 Dogs
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Divorce final 30 August 2019

Survival Instructions for Newbies
Site Map
 
A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

s
  • *****
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 4693
  • Gender: Female
Re: The transformative power of love
#78: August 05, 2019, 06:57:24 AM
50 years!  A big congratulations to them, Beyond. 

I enjoyed the FB pics.  Thanks for sharing. 

  • Logged
BD: 1/1/16
Together 15 years - married 7 years
His divorce final 7/26/16
Married the OW

After all, tomorrow is another day.

K
  • *****
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 5536
  • Gender: Female
Re: The transformative power of love
#79: August 05, 2019, 10:07:00 AM

I'm also here to say once again how much better life becomes once you start healing your own wounds and taking full responsibility for your own life, in the midst of all this chaos.  Drop the rope, focus on you, recreate yourself as you were meant to be.  True life....and love begins outside of this facade of comfort that was once our marriages.  We didn't get to choose for our wayward spouse, but we do get to choose who we become and what we will accomplish.  Don't waste that opportunity like they have.

Bam--drop the mike. Very well said.  Thanks for the update and congrats to your parents!
  • Logged
Me 49
H 47
S13
BD 5/16
H Moved out 6/16
OW--yes. Worked for H. EA turned into PA while I was in chemo. On again/off again like every high school romance

 

Legal Disclaimer

The information contained within The Hero's Spouse website family (www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com, http://theherosspouse.com and associated subdomains), (collectively 'website') is provided as general information and is not intended to be a substitute for professional legal, medical or mental health advice or treatment for specific medical conditions. The Hero's Spouse cannot be held responsible for the use of the information provided. The Hero's Spouse recommends that you consult a trained medical or mental health professional before making any decision regarding treatment of yourself or others. The Hero's Spouse recommends that you consult a legal professional for specific legal advice.

Any information, stories, examples, articles, or testimonials on this website do not constitute a guarantee, or prediction regarding the outcome of an individual situation. Reading and/or posting at this website does not constitute a professional relationship between you and the website author, volunteer moderators or mentors or other community members. The moderators and mentors are peer-volunteers, and not functioning in a professional capacity and are therefore offering support and advice based solely upon their own experience and not upon legal, medical, or mental health training.