Author Topic: My Story The transformative power of love  (Read 5354 times)

Offline Dumbfounded

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 2773
  • Gender: Female
My Story Re: The transformative power of love
« Reply #80 on: August 05, 2019, 10:46:36 AM »
"recreate yourself as you were meant to be"

Yep 100%. Go back to before your were detoured by this person who made you feel like even your best, on your best day wasn't good it enough. It was... the problem was never with you. It was with themselves.   
Married 1998
MLC H 48
LBS W 47
D16, S12
BD March, 2016
Left home Sept 4, 2016 - living with parents
H filed for D - July 24, 2017
D final March 14, 2018 - still living at parent's house

“You've seen my descent, now watch my rising.”
― Jalaluddin Rumi

Offline beyondblessedTopic starterTopic starter

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 1911
  • Gender: Female
Re: The transformative power of love
« Reply #81 on: August 05, 2019, 02:38:47 PM »
Yes, DF, I really do feel that way.  I used the last 3 -1/2 years to undo 18 years worth of damage to myself.   I quite literally resumed the exact path I was on when I'd met xh.  Fitness and the gym played the biggest role back then, as I was focused on becoming my best self....then xh happened and that path changed slowly, but drastically by the end.  The person I had become was a pale reflection of the old me, but a nearly spitting image of him.....angry, moody, immature, selfish....all characteristics I loathe.

By God's grace, I've been given a 2nd chance to complete my original journey, and I'm doing my best not to firetruck it up this time.  Few of us are ever afforded this gift, so I intend to use every second of it being conscious and aware of ME in every relationship I have.  I'm not looking for the right person, I'm looking to become the right person.


Online readytofixmyselffirst

  • Moderator
  • Hero Member
  • *
  • Posts: 3789
  • Gender: Male
  • Back to being #1 for my daughters!!!!
Re: The transformative power of love
« Reply #82 on: August 05, 2019, 04:06:03 PM »
Hello,

You are realizing that the most important journey during the MLCer's crisis is the journey made by the LBSer. That we go through stages and reach a defining moment where we know that we can live without them and actually thrive without them. That if they come back, we have the power to accept or reject our spouse based upon our choice and control.

I remember after Bomb drop how helpless I felt and that my MLCer held all the cards. It took time, but I built back my own self-esteem to stand and let her go and I reached a point where I was completely done.

I have moved on and so have you. I respect those that continue to stand as long as the choice to stand doesn't prevent you from living as if they are not coming back. That if they do come back, the repair of the relationship is a lot of work on the part of the LBSer and the MLCer.

You have done well to find yourself and build a life that makes you positive in your outlook. I too have seen the Facebook pics and they project a confident and content person. In fact you helped motivate me! I will post my numbers next Wednesday to show my results over the past 8 weeks (One week was vacation in NYC and I didn't get to work out).

Quote
We didn't get to choose for our wayward spouse, but we do get to choose who we become and what we will accomplish.

Nice! This goes right along with my "I don't let the bad behavior of others determine mine!"

(((Hugs)))

Ready

"Always look in the mirror and love what you see."

Offline PJ Will Be OK

  • MLCer Type: Low-Energy
  • Hero Member
  • *
  • Posts: 616
  • Gender: Male
Re: The transformative power of love
« Reply #83 on: August 05, 2019, 07:12:55 PM »
Following along. Late for the party as usual. Not sure how I've missed your thread over the years.

I'm very interested in how you've grown post-divorce, especially now that I appear to be joining the divorced camp soon.

Good to see you recreating yourself as you were meant to be!
"I'm slowly learning to expect nothing and appreciate everything."

Together 28 years, married 27
Two adult kids, ours

BD #1: 2016 - EA
BD #2: 2018 - FA
W moved out - June 2019
OM#3 - July 2019
W asks for divorce - August 2019
Divorce final - September 2019
Card-carrying member of the Iffer Party

My thread: https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=11093.0;topicseen

Offline beyondblessedTopic starterTopic starter

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 1911
  • Gender: Female
Re: The transformative power of love
« Reply #84 on: August 06, 2019, 01:53:10 AM »
Following along. Late for the party as usual. Not sure how I've missed your thread over the years.

I'm very interested in how you've grown post-divorce, especially now that I appear to be joining the divorced camp soon.

Good to see you recreating yourself as you were meant to be!


Hello, PJ, You are not really late to the party.  It was a pretty quick affair...no pun intended, but once I did confirm his cheating, and everything else, it all came to an end.  There was no way I was ever going to stand for that.

I think I've done the best job I can at this point to make my life something amazing, and I hope inspirational to everyone here.  I do have a FB page and an Instagram that people seem to keep up with.  Shoot me a message if you're interested.   I'd be more than happy to share.

I'm sorry that things didn't work out the way you'd hoped.  Maybe you won't take so much comfort in this now, but eventually you will come to a place where the chaos is still, and you find yourself thriving in ways you couldn't even have imagined.  So many of us have found this to be true.  It doesn't happen overnight and not by chance, either.  You have to make the choice to leave the past and focus on YOUR future.  If your W wants to hang out on the misery bus, let her.  You have better things to do and greater goals to conquer.

Offline beyondblessedTopic starterTopic starter

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 1911
  • Gender: Female
Re: The transformative power of love
« Reply #85 on: September 25, 2019, 04:59:08 PM »
Just a brief thought to those of you still in shock and bewilderment  that your once loving spouse is now someone hateful (rather hate-filled) and unrecognizable.   I keep hearing it resonated over and over that you don't understand how they could do the things they've done.  And closure is often mentioned too.  Both, mainly as reasoning not to drop the rope. 

They do NOT give you closure.  You TAKE it and make it for yourself, and you do not need understanding to accept their actions.  These are both choices you make in the move towards living on your terms and moving forward.   Nothing holds you in place unless you let it.

Offline UrsaMajor

  • Moderator
  • Hero Member
  • *
  • Posts: 9615
  • Gender: Male
  • Live like they are never coming back
Re: The transformative power of love
« Reply #86 on: September 26, 2019, 02:02:38 AM »
Trying to understand WHY a Mid-lifer does what they do is......



wait for it......




you KNOW it's coming.......



like trying to taste green with your elbow...
Me - 56
xW - 49
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation
S - 12
D - 8
2 Dogs (1 each)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Divorce final 30 August 2019

Survival Instructions for Newbies
Site Map
 
A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Offline Finding Joy

  • Trial Subscriber
  • Hero Member
  • *
  • Posts: 768
  • Gender: Female
Re: The transformative power of love
« Reply #87 on: September 26, 2019, 10:53:23 AM »
I have come to this conclusion as well.  I do not need him for closure.  I do not need him to apologize in order for me to forgive.  I do not need validation from him that none of it was my fault and it is on him.  I do not find my worth in his opinion of me, or his ability to find all of my worst attributes both real and imagined.

I have concluded that I know my worth.  I know my value.  I know both my short comings and by strengths.  I know he is doing this because he is broken. 

It is freeing!
Married 19 years
Husband is 42
I am 39

BD1-April 2018-Unrecognized by me until way later, he is unhappy, wants counseling.
BD2-October 2018-ILYBNIL, wants a divorce, this after I found out about OW 1(EA), OW2(PA) no longer together.  I believe he is single. 
April 2019 He got an apartment and moved out.
Oct 2019-Apologized for a years worth of monster behavior.  Still wants to start divorce this Spring, is distant, but friendly.  Tries more with kids, but mostly just helps haul them around(superficial).

4 kids 5-15 years

But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.

Offline beyondblessedTopic starterTopic starter

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 1911
  • Gender: Female
Re: The transformative power of love
« Reply #88 on: September 26, 2019, 04:37:58 PM »
UM....yes, it is the biggest waste of time ever.  Nothing, and I mean absolutely nothing comes of trying to make any kind of logical sense of all this insanity.  For people once thought to be decent, kind, intelligent and loving to become the most selfish @$$holes and to stupidly throw their good lives away for nothing but fantasy is completely insane.

Finding Joy....I am so glad you've found your worth because now is when the magic starts to happen.  You get far enough away from the fallout of the past to see it more and more clearly.  Once you start to accept that your H is a grown adult....even though acting like a rage-filled little boy....you begin to realize he's making very bad choices, but they are his to make.  They are not about you, and have nothing to do with you because in his mind, you are no longer part of his life.

That being said, it's time for Joy to truly go find what brings her joy.  For me, it was all about rediscovering and rebranding myself.  At the time my xh walked out a cheater, I kid you not, I looked about 50 years old, and I was only 43 at the time.  Fast forward 3.5 years to today, I literally have aged in reverse...now I look like I'm in my late 30s, but I'll be 47 in a few months.  I owe that in large part to basically purging the poison of bitterness and negativity that xh pretty much spewed a large part of our time together.   Once it was over, I could finally breathe again.  Yes, that blessed freedom you mention initially saved my life.  I started taking care of me and never looked back.

Today, I am about to work towards becoming a personal trainer and certified nutrition coach.  I live each day to the fullest, I have a circle of friends that I never had when I was married because no one cared for xh and now I can see so clearly why.  He was a toxic person then and probably still is today.  I truly have no idea of his whereabouts or anything about him because he's a part of a past that has no place in my present.  We've taken two completely different paths, and I do not ever forsee our paths converging again.  I am happy, healthier and more beautiful inside and out, and blessed to live the peaceful, yet challenging life I've carved.  It didn't come easy,  but the best and most worthy endeavors never do.  That's what makes them amazing!!

Offline Finding Joy

  • Trial Subscriber
  • Hero Member
  • *
  • Posts: 768
  • Gender: Female
Re: The transformative power of love
« Reply #89 on: September 26, 2019, 05:00:13 PM »
That is awesome blessed!  I’m so glad you have found yourself again after all he put you through.  I feel like a better person as well!!
Married 19 years
Husband is 42
I am 39

BD1-April 2018-Unrecognized by me until way later, he is unhappy, wants counseling.
BD2-October 2018-ILYBNIL, wants a divorce, this after I found out about OW 1(EA), OW2(PA) no longer together.  I believe he is single. 
April 2019 He got an apartment and moved out.
Oct 2019-Apologized for a years worth of monster behavior.  Still wants to start divorce this Spring, is distant, but friendly.  Tries more with kids, but mostly just helps haul them around(superficial).

4 kids 5-15 years

But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.

 

SMF spam blocked by CleanTalk
Legal Disclaimer

The information contained within The Hero's Spouse website family (www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com, http://theherosspouse.com and associated subdomains), (collectively 'website') is provided as general information and is not intended to be a substitute for professional legal, medical or mental health advice or treatment for specific medical conditions. The Hero's Spouse cannot be held responsible for the use of the information provided. The Hero's Spouse recommends that you consult a trained medical or mental health professional before making any decision regarding treatment of yourself or others. The Hero's Spouse recommends that you consult a legal professional for specific legal advice.

Any information, stories, examples, articles, or testimonials on this website do not constitute a guarantee, or prediction regarding the outcome of an individual situation. Reading and/or posting at this website does not constitute a professional relationship between you and the website author, volunteer moderators or mentors or other community members. The moderators and mentors are peer-volunteers, and not functioning in a professional capacity and are therefore offering support and advice based solely upon their own experience and not upon legal, medical, or mental health training.