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Author Topic: My Story The transformative power of love

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My Story Re: The transformative power of love
#140: December 16, 2019, 02:27:39 AM
Don't underestimate the value of the support Mr. B is getting from you, even at 1000 miles away.

In some ways, one could see it as knowing there is an anchor holding things together somewhere out there, despite the storms that are currently raging around them... The major difference is that Mr. Big knows that you are supporting him as best you can rather than being the cause of the storm like the Mid-Lifer sees...
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Me - 57, xW - 50
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation & 21 at D-Day
S - 13, D - 9
2 Dogs
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Divorce final 30 August 2019

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A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

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Re: The transformative power of love
#141: December 22, 2019, 09:09:59 AM
Thank you all for the thoughts, prayers and input.  Big's dad did pass last weekend, slowly but peacefully in the end.  Big is dealing exactly like I had hoped....maturely, like a son who loved his father very much, but knows it is a part of life and it is what happens.  So, yes he's obviously sad and hurting, but he is dealing with his grief and not ignoring his pain, which is a very good and emotionally mature response.

I, of course, have continued to be a rock and solid source of love and support, and he's been very grateful and appreciative of that.  We are doing very well and growing much closer than I think we might have under more normal circumstances, but it is what it is, and we are just so grateful to be together and have so many common traits and goals to share.  Being in an R with an actual adult is a very welcome and eye opening experience.   It is a blessing to be in this place, right here, right now.

There has been so much talk of real life on many threads.  This is real life, this is what people in real life do.  They take what life gives....not necessarily what they want or think they deserve, but what they get....and they make it something extraordinary and meaningful.  Life is happening every minute of every day....how you choose to grow it is your choice.  Like I say, good or bad, life is what you make it....extenuating circumstances be damned.  The only choices you control are your own.  Real life, real talk.
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b
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The transformative power of love
#142: July 11, 2020, 06:29:51 AM
Wow...where does the time go these days? lol  I can't believe it's been over 6 months since my last update, but I guess only what I see as milestones in my ascent from MLC hell bring me back here.  Today marks 4 years of being free and D'd from the lunatic who tried to break me.

The woman who types this today is a very different beast...and I sure don't use that term lightly, lol, than the one who thought she could help a coward become a decent man 4 years ago.  She looks differently, she talks differently, she FEELS differently.   She's someone who wouldn't look twice at the man who ran like a scared rat back then, and he definitely wouldn't want any part of her now, either.

Life is fantastic today and just keeps getting better as I reacquaint to the parts of myself that are still emerging and growing.  4 years have been a blur of hard work, self introspection,  and pushing on all fronts to become the woman I was meant to become all along.  My marriage may have been a failure, but it sure taught me the lessons I needed to get me where I am today.

I've been in my own home for a little over 3 years now.  I rarely think about everything that happened back in 2016, when xh lost the rest of his marbles, but every now and again, I will remember the disrespect, the lies, the betrayal and the cowardice and selfishness at the root of it all and thank God for giving me the strength and courage to say firetruck that $h!te...I deserve better, and I WILL do better for myself. 

Even with the crazy things happening with Corona, life still goes on.  I'm still hitting the gym...damn, being out those couple months during the height of the virus was tough, but as always, I soldiered on and did work outs at home.  And, my work stayed open the entire time, as well, so I never took the hit financially that some did.  I'm grateful for that because now I'm in the position for a new vehicle and am weighing my options.  Like everything else though, I'm not in a hurry.  I'm taking my time, being smart and making choices that reflect my character,  integrity,  and beliefs.  I'm living the good life and I'm loving every minute of it.
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The transformative power of love
#143: July 11, 2020, 04:57:54 PM
Beyond,  you sound so great! Power and self- assurance radiates from every word you wrote!!! 

Hats off to your positive journey  :)
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Sada
Married 13 years, together 23
Apr 2014: PA discovered, ow 22 yrs younger
May 2014: "I love her & she loves me"
("But I'll always love you the most")
Jun 2014: Left home to live w OW
Aug 2014: Back home. "Sorry, made mistakes"
Late 2015: Ow2 (a couple of dates I think). Monster
  returned for several months 
Today: H progressing thru mlc positively. Has remained
  home and reconciled
Arguments & disagreements very infrequent
Enjoying our time together

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The transformative power of love
#144: July 11, 2020, 06:23:46 PM

Even with the crazy things happening with Corona, life still goes on.  I'm still hitting the gym...damn, being out those couple months during the height of the virus was tough, but as always, I soldiered on and did work outs at home.  And, my work stayed open the entire time, as well, so I never took the hit financially that some did.  I'm grateful for that because now I'm in the position for a new vehicle and am weighing my options.  Like everything else though, I'm not in a hurry.  I'm taking my time, being smart and making choices that reflect my character,  integrity,  and beliefs.  I'm living the good life and I'm loving every minute of it.


Sure enjoy reading updates like this, BB! 

As always, it's great to have you drop in and let us know how you're doing.  Keep killing it, buddy!   ;)
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« Last Edit: July 11, 2020, 07:01:08 PM by stillbaffled »
BD: 1/1/16
Together 15 years - married 7 years
His divorce final 7/26/16
Married the OW

After all, tomorrow is another day.

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The transformative power of love
#145: July 11, 2020, 06:55:50 PM
Yes you are seriously amazing!! Such an inspiration. Thank you for continuing to post bc it really makes a  difference for some of us who need to move on but are a little afraid.
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Me 49
H 47
S13
BD 5/16
H Moved out 6/16
OW--yes. Worked for H. EA turned into PA while I was in chemo. On again/off again like every high school romance

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The transformative power of love
#146: July 11, 2020, 11:35:58 PM
Thanks for the update Beyond. You've certainly come a long way. It's amazing to look back at who we were when our spouses lost their marbles and then see who we are now. So much growth.

Quote
and thank God for giving me the strength and courage to say firetruck that $h!te
I wouldn't have said this 5 years ago, but amen. Sincerely. Thank God.
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"I'm slowly learning to expect nothing and appreciate everything."

Together 28 years, married 27
Two adult kids, ours

BD #1: 2016 - EA
BD #2: 2018 - FA
W moved out - June 2019
OM#3 - July 2019
W asks for divorce - August 2019
Divorce final - September 2019
Card-carrying member of the Iffer Party

My thread: https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=11537.new#new

b
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The transformative power of love
#147: July 12, 2020, 09:24:30 AM
Thank you, SB, KIT, Sada, and PJ for sticking with me.  I come back to show anyone still here from 2016 (or before or right now) that things can change so rapidly for YOU when you focus on YOU and not the person who is hell bent on destroying everything around them.  You have no control over what they are doing, so it is a colossal waste of your resources or energy to even try to do so.  It leads you away from what you need to be doing....and that's loving and respecting yourself through constructing boundaries and showing the world in general what you will and will not allow....and by living with integrity by keeping your word and doing what you say you're going to in accordance with your moral beliefs and values.  These are things the MLCer/abandoner is incapable, so any attention or focus in that direction is lost and squandered at YOUR expense.  Just as their existential crisis isn't about you, your growth and movement to a better, higher place in life isn't about them. 
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« Last Edit: July 12, 2020, 09:25:47 AM by beyondblessed »

b
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The transformative power of love
#148: July 19, 2020, 10:14:16 AM
Dropping back in to encourage all of you, whether you have been all along, or haven't at all, to read all the personal growth and self discovery books that you can.  These books will no only help you understand yourself better, but they will also help you understand how to relate to the world around you much more effectively.   

A must read is Brene Brown's Daring Greatly.  Really, I recommend all of her books because they all hinge around theme of shame....and I am a huge believer that MLC is often a result of the shame and unworthiness our abandoners were drowning in that led them to seek the buffers or numbing agents like drugs, alcohol, affair partners, to ease the pain.  The research that Brown has done on the subject of shame and the way it connects to the disorders of addiction and so many of the other behaviors the MLC 'ers engage in is second to none, and the data gathered and presented is almost guaranteed to give you a better idea of what really was the underlying cause of the crisis at hand.  In that respect also, though,  be forewarned that the research casts a pretty grim prognosis for those unwilling to face the scary demon of shame.  Unless you can face and acknowledge the beast, you will never be free of it.  Which, I would imagine is the reason so many never really "make it through" the crisis.
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The transformative power of love
#149: July 19, 2020, 02:50:27 PM
Hello,

I have been mixed in my workouts. Without a gym, my trainer and I have gotten in some good workouts and not so good at times. Its hard to drive 40 miles away to workout and then face the prospect of no shower. Has a big impact on my fellow coworkers. LOL

I am interested in the shame concept as I also believe that the affairs and other behaviors are just temporary highs to mask the emptiness of the MLcer.  That even though they know it isn't right, it is all about how it makes them feel. That justifies poor decisions and actions.

Keep posting and enjoy the rest of your weekend!

((((Hugs)))

Ready

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