Author Topic: My Story Bitty's Husband Has Passed Away  (Read 1871 times)

Offline beyondblessed

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My Story Re: Bitty's Husband Has Passed Away
« Reply #10 on: December 29, 2017, 03:47:47 PM »
Bitty, you sound as strong and determined as ever.  Keep it up!  I certainly do believe 2018 will be your year simply because you will make it!  And, you are right...neither your H or OW is playing with a full deck.  Crazy is as crazy does.

Offline BittyBoosMomTopic starter

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Re: Bitty's Husband Has Passed Away
« Reply #11 on: December 31, 2017, 09:17:26 PM »
Thank you all so very much for your support, caring & understanding!

Mr. BH's IC (and others) have told him he doesn't have to text/talk to me...it appears he's taking that to heart as I've barely heard from him in about a week.

He didn't see D on Christmas and hasn't asked to see her...

Oh well...his loss.

Good riddance 2017!!  Happy New Year to everyone here on HS!  Here's to hoping that 2018 is the best year yet for all of us!!

Me - 49
H - 50
D8; SS26
Alienator: Yes, OW, PA
BD1: 03/16
BD2: 05/16 - Leaves home & moves in w/OW
07/16: Comes home
BD3: 08/16 - Leaves home again & moves back in w/OW
08/16 - Filed for divorce
04/17 - Awarded sole physical & legal custody of D
08/17 - Legally separated
11/17 - OW kicks H out - H is hospitalized shortly thereafter and turns to me for support
12/17 - H starts talking to OW again
1/18 - H moves back in w/OW
"You got me, I'm cornered, my back to the wall , no bed of roses, ain't no bed at all, I'm walkin' the wire, I stumble and fall, I got the message but I ain't gonna crawl"...Comin' Under Fire by Def Leppard

Offline BittyBoosMomTopic starter

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Re: Bitty's Husband Has Passed Away
« Reply #12 on: January 31, 2018, 06:25:13 AM »
Hi all!  Although the start of 2018 isn't going as well as I had hoped, it IS better and improving every day.

Mr. BH has gone back to and further down the tunnel...and although he says he and the OW are working on things, all signs point to him living w/her again.  He continues to blame me for everything that's happened, including his attempt to take his life.  My resolve is stronger than ever to protect D8 from the unstable narcissists they BOTH are.

Earlier this month, Mr. BH gave D some Christmas gifts.  I thought they were from him as he hadn't given her anything yet, but it turned out they were not.  When I asked D if she had to leave the gifts her dad had gotten her @ his house, she said that that Santa was either too busy or forgot about her @ his house because there was nothing there for her - and that her dad hadn't gotten her anything either.  It broke my heart to hear her say that.  He did finally get her something the other week - another gift from "Disney Dad" that she's already forgotten about and moved on from.

D told me last night that she thinks her dad is back w/the OW and is not happy about it @ all - she wants nothing to do w/the OW.  She said he's been saying not nice things about me and she doesn't like him talking about me that way - that he's a liar and a jerk.  I told her that she needed to tell her dad the way she's feeling.

I'm thinking about going back to court to change the visitation schedule.  Mr. BH is not stable and clearly is not putting D's emotional/mental health and well-being first.  It's all about him and what he wants.  He wants to see D when it's convenient for HIM.  But I don't want to run the risk of getting a judge that doesn't see the FULL picture of Mr. BH and what he's done and continues to do.

Detachment is not easy...but I'm getting better @ it :)
Me - 49
H - 50
D8; SS26
Alienator: Yes, OW, PA
BD1: 03/16
BD2: 05/16 - Leaves home & moves in w/OW
07/16: Comes home
BD3: 08/16 - Leaves home again & moves back in w/OW
08/16 - Filed for divorce
04/17 - Awarded sole physical & legal custody of D
08/17 - Legally separated
11/17 - OW kicks H out - H is hospitalized shortly thereafter and turns to me for support
12/17 - H starts talking to OW again
1/18 - H moves back in w/OW
"You got me, I'm cornered, my back to the wall , no bed of roses, ain't no bed at all, I'm walkin' the wire, I stumble and fall, I got the message but I ain't gonna crawl"...Comin' Under Fire by Def Leppard

Offline Thunder

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Re: Bitty's Husband Has Passed Away
« Reply #13 on: January 31, 2018, 07:04:44 AM »
Bitty, it's extremely hard to detach when it involves your sweet d getting hurt.   >:(

Just keep working on it.  Remember this is NOT your H.  He is just some strange, selfish alien.
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Offline stillbaffled

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Re: Bitty's Husband Has Passed Away
« Reply #14 on: January 31, 2018, 03:12:51 PM »
Bitty - it's good to hear from you with an update. 

It does sound like Mr. BH is deeply in the tunnel.  I am sorry that D has to endure hearing uncomplimentary things about the mother that she loves.  She does, indeed, need to tell her dad how she feels.  Wasn't your D seeing a therapist?  If so, the therapist may have some suggestions for her in dealing with this. 

Sending continued support.
After all, tomorrow is another day.
Together 16 years - married 6
BD - 1/1/16
His divorce final 7/16
Married OW - 7/17
a consistent semi-vanisher in the same small town

Offline BittyBoosMomTopic starter

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Re: Bitty's Husband Has Passed Away
« Reply #15 on: February 13, 2018, 11:51:45 AM »
Thank you Thunder & SB for your support and advice :)

The karma bus made a short stop @ Mr. BH's about 2 1/2 weeks ago...and took his car when it left ;D :o ;D :o

He told D8 that he and the OW aren't together, but are working on things, and he's not living w/her.  However, he's been driving her car since his was repossessed - even D8 thinks he's lying and is back @ the OW's.  He totally firetrucked up his credit by not paying any of his creditors for the past year, and can't afford anything new.  I guess the OW isn't willing to co-sign a loan for him as he's looking @ getting an almost 20-year old car so he has something to drive.  He has no clue how to take care of anything financial.

I've cut communication as much as I can with him.  I don't respond to texts or calls unless it's something that I have to respond to about D.  My lawyer has a motion on hold @ the moment.  If things aren't resolved by next week, it'll be submitted to the court.

D still sees her IC, but he's as frustrated w/the way Mr. BH is acting just as much as I am.  He won't state that D is to have no contact w/the OW, but he's strongly suggested to Mr. BH that she not be involved @ this time, and he should be working on repairing/rebuilding his relationship w/D.  He doesn't get it and wants OW to be around D - but, I've put the kabash on that.  He doesn't take her unless he guarantees no OW - and so far, he's kept to that.  TBH, he only asks to see her when it's convenient for him - and that's only once a week @ most.  Some weeks he hasn't even asked to see her.  Oh well, his loss.

1t made a comment on her thread about her H's OW being a sociopath with no conscience...I agree w/her 100%.  I think most OW's are.  My H's is either a sociopath or narcissist (or maybe both).  She likes the drama and doesn't care about what her actions do to others.

Having little contact w/him has definitely helped.  I don't feel like I have to take on his problems anymore - it's not up to me to "fix" him.  He has to want to do that himself.  He had the chance to start making those changes, and went running back to the OW.  From what I can tell, his addiction to her has destroyed (or is in the process of destroying) nearly every aspect of his life.

Again as 1t said on her thread, until he has the courage to face himself and his problems, this path of destruction is going to continue.
Me - 49
H - 50
D8; SS26
Alienator: Yes, OW, PA
BD1: 03/16
BD2: 05/16 - Leaves home & moves in w/OW
07/16: Comes home
BD3: 08/16 - Leaves home again & moves back in w/OW
08/16 - Filed for divorce
04/17 - Awarded sole physical & legal custody of D
08/17 - Legally separated
11/17 - OW kicks H out - H is hospitalized shortly thereafter and turns to me for support
12/17 - H starts talking to OW again
1/18 - H moves back in w/OW
"You got me, I'm cornered, my back to the wall , no bed of roses, ain't no bed at all, I'm walkin' the wire, I stumble and fall, I got the message but I ain't gonna crawl"...Comin' Under Fire by Def Leppard

Offline KeepItTogether

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Re: Bitty's Husband Has Passed Away
« Reply #16 on: February 13, 2018, 01:01:27 PM »
Who in their right mind tells an 8 year old that they are working on things with the OW. Yuck! So so inappropriate. Bitty, I get upset all the time that my H spends practically no time with our S either. But then I think it is probably for the best that S isn’t exposed to Hs 235 personalities for too much time. I mean, it is also their (MLCers) loss, but really it is best the children not be around their antics at all.

That’s the thing about the karma bus—it comes for us all. Except in some of our cases (non Mlcer), it is the good kind. Doing so awesome Bitty! Your H is he!! Bent on destroying his entire being. You are doing yourself and your precious D right by stepping aside.
Me 47
H 46
S12
BD 5/16
H Moved out 6/16
OW--yes. Worked for H. EA turned into PA while I was in chemo. On again/off again like every high school romance

Offline Phoenix

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Re: Bitty's Husband Has Passed Away
« Reply #17 on: February 20, 2019, 08:01:12 PM »
Dear Friends,

I'm posting this message as Bitty's mentor with her permission.

It is with deepest sympathy, that I share that Bitty's husband had a heart attack and passed away last month. In addition to Bitty, they have a daughter who is only 9 years old and a step son. Bitty's husband was living with the OW, but had his wedding ring on him at the time of his passing. That speaks volumes.

Not surprisingly, Bitty, was the model of strength, dignity, grace and compassion when she extended her hand to the OW at the service and said, "I'm sorry for your loss." Equally not surprising was the OW's inability to demonstrate the same grace and strength. 

Please join me in extending support and heartfelt wishes to Bitty and her daughter as they work to navigate yet another sorrow. It is  times like these that remind us we are a family, and compassion for one another cannot be over estimated.

Healing thoughts to you and yours, Bitty. You are not alone.

Love,
Phoenix
Married 24 years
Together 30
D (young adult now)
BD 2010
He is a vanisher
Divorced 2016

Offline xyzcf

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Re: Bitty's Husband Has Passed Away
« Reply #18 on: February 20, 2019, 08:55:17 PM »
Dear Bitty,

I am sorry for you and your daughter, another grief to deal with, another loss...for no matter his crisis, now he is gone...and you are sure to feel that loss...I pray for peace for your and your daughter as you adjust to this sad end to a man you loved.
"Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see" Hebrews 11:1

"You enrich my life and are a source of joy and consolation to me. But if I lose you, I will not, I must not spend the rest of my life in unhappiness."

" The truth does not change according to our ability to stomach it". Flannery O'Connor

https://www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com/chapter-contents.html

Offline CanLetGo

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Re: Bitty's Husband Has Passed Away
« Reply #19 on: February 20, 2019, 09:53:15 PM »
Sorry for your loss Bitty, and your daughter, sending hugs x
Me 45
H 49
3 young adult kids
BD December 2013, left home August 2014, D June 2018
OW 17 years younger

 

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