Author Topic: My Story Rebuilding Live in the Moment!  (Read 1539 times)

Offline 31andcountingTopic starterTopic starter

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My Story Rebuilding Live in the Moment!
« on: December 29, 2017, 05:02:04 AM »
Happy end to 2017 and Happy beginning to 2018!

I have been asked to start a new thread (something I should of recognized was needed as a mentor :( :( :( !  )   I am just awful at the administration side of mentoring (sorry fellow mentors and thank you for always picking up the slack!)

As I read all the beautiful messages left to me on my "suddenly risen" thread I blushed and smiled and cried!   I have received so much more from this forum than I could ever give back!  Honest!

My words are nothing special, they are my true feelings from the life I have lived.  I never mean to tell anyone what to do or not do rather what I did and why (if I know why?)
Everyone's journey is their own and the common denominator here is the person we love is lost!  I imagine there are as many reasons WHY they are lost as there are MLCers!  We are all together because we need help and support and encouragement, simple basic human needs! No-one but another LBS understands just how much!

Someone wise said (and I apologize fellow member because I can't remember who?)  WE are trying to save marriage in a "throw away marriage " society and there is not a truer statement!   It is the norm these days and I'd like to help end that, it is such a waste!! 

I have felt and still do feel thankful for my H's crisis.  Not all the pain and hurt but for the changes I made and the changes my H made.  I wanted my M restored but mostly I wanted my H healthy again.  I truly got to the point of feeling it didn't matter if he returned he just needed to get himself better!! 
In the early days No one feels any of this but I think eventually we all do!

Time has a way of healing!

I could go on and on but I won't ;)
Thank you all for being my friend!
(hugs)
31

Previous thread:  http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=6789.0 
« Last Edit: January 16, 2018, 07:35:36 AM by OldPilot »
Hurting people hurt people :(

Offline Thunder

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Re: Live in the Moment!
« Reply #1 on: December 29, 2017, 05:12:45 AM »
Welcome to your new thread, 31.   :)

Riding along.
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Offline waiting4

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Re: Live in the Moment!
« Reply #2 on: December 29, 2017, 05:50:25 AM »
Following  :)
Me-55
H - 55
Adult D- 35
Married 37 yrs. married 33 yrs at time of BD
date of BD  2015
OW- YES, 36 yr old with a 7yr old
H- moved out of our home in  2015 & moved in with OW
H- says doesnt want divorce, wants long term separation. doesnt know what the future holds.
 H- has introduced OW to his family and visits them often with OW.
 H- has introduced OW to a few of our friends.
 Entering 2018. H has not filed for divorce.
He is still living with OW
 If you're going through Hell, keep going

Offline stillbaffled

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Re: Live in the Moment!
« Reply #3 on: December 29, 2017, 07:34:22 AM »

My words are nothing special, they are my true feelings from the life I have lived.  I never mean to tell anyone what to do or not do rather what I did and why (if I know why?)
Everyone's journey is their own and the common denominator here is the person we love is lost!  I imagine there are as many reasons WHY they are lost as there are MLCers!  We are all together because we need help and support and encouragement, simple basic human needs! No-one but another LBS understands just how much!


Thank you (and the many other long time veterans here) for sticking around and continuing to offer all that you do.  This place is a haven for the weary. 
BD: 1/1/16
Together 15 years - married 7 years
His divorce final 7/26/16
Married the OW

After all, tomorrow is another day.

Offline cowgirlslayer

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Re: Live in the Moment!
« Reply #4 on: December 29, 2017, 09:28:29 AM »
Your words are very special to all of us. We read your posts and feel hope for future - no matter if we reconcile or not.

As my mentor - you have offered wonderful advice , encouragement and a listening ear.

Thank you so much!
M-48
H-43
D-13
Married 18 years - together 20
BD - 7/17
ILYBINILWY - 7/17
Asked for Divorce - 9/17
Sold home and moved out  - 1/18
Divorced  - 5/19

Offline Anjae

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Re: Live in the Moment!
« Reply #5 on: December 29, 2017, 09:46:29 AM »
Welcome to your new thread, 31.

You continue to be an inspiration.

I agree it is a waste to throw away a marriage, but the problem, for many LBS become the fact that MLC lasts too long. We no longer have a marriage, we have no link to our spouse and, in the many years the crisis carries on, we have lead different lifes, often finding someone new.

For those like yourself, you milder MCLer with short crisis and who have children, I can see the point.

For the rest of us, after a while, I really don't. However, I think HS does an excellent job of helping those who want their marriage back and reconcile as well as to help those who will no longer want the marriage/MLCer back.

We all arrive here wanting MLCer and marriage back, with time, since there are as many LBS as possibilities/outcomes, our paths become different.

But we still all have in common the terrible pain and hurt caused by our spouse MLC.

Happy New Year!
Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together. (Marilyn Monroe)

Offline Rosetintedglasses

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Re: Live in the Moment!
« Reply #6 on: December 29, 2017, 10:05:07 AM »
Happy New Year 31, thanks you for sharing your story!

Rose 🌹
Married 15+ years with 2 children
BD1 - 2016
BD2 - 2017
BD3 - Sept 2019
MOW Mar 2016-Jan 2018
OW2 - Feb 2019, age 30
H left home Oct 2017 to stay with his parents
Bought a family Puppy mid 2018 - referred to as ‘P’

Link to advice by my mentor, Phoenix, on what to tell the children about H leaving - reply #33 (it had a glitch)
https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9313.30

Offline 31andcountingTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Live in the Moment!
« Reply #7 on: December 29, 2017, 12:17:02 PM »
Thank you all for joining along! Never thought I’d open a new thread again??

Anjae you and I agree with each other more times than not and although I agree with your comments regarding some have no choice and end up with new partners  I did not intend for my comment to sound like it sounded! All marriages must survive! The true intent was for the institution of marriage!
I will disagree that my H had a milder short crisis. He was 3 years in before I ever found the forum and had already ran and divorced me previously??
What I wrote as I struggled was  not a complete clear picture of what I was living as I’m not very good at writing out the actual “goings on” but it doesn’t matter because I know! When my threads are re-read they are all over the place and hard to follow ☹️ I was lucky any of you ever took the time to read and comment- ha!

I do agree with you on the comment regarding children . I do feel they come into play and keeps the MLCer in connection a little more but I honestly don’t know if a MLCer won’t return because there are no children??
We had children so that is the only path I know.

Happy New Year!
(Hugs)
31
Hurting people hurt people :(

Offline Acorn

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Re: Live in the Moment!
« Reply #8 on: December 29, 2017, 01:28:02 PM »
Following along, 31. 

So glad for your presence on the board...

Look forward to reading your posts.
Live-in MLCer
Feb 2015: BD.  H has a Nuclear meltdown. 
Oct 2015: ILYBIANILWY.
Apr 2016: Affair discovered
Dec 2017: Seriously reconnecting

Offline Anjae

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Re: Live in the Moment!
« Reply #9 on: December 29, 2017, 02:18:18 PM »
I am sorry if I upset you, 31.

I think I tend to say/think everyone had a MLCer with a short crisis because Mr J's one has been so long. I don't recall anyone else here with a MLCer that has been in Replay for 11+ years, but there may be.

For me, anyone with a MCLer that has been out of the home/in replay/deep in crisis for 5 or less years, had a short crisis. We all have spouses who crisis beging before BD, but on HS we only count from BD onwards

As for mild in behaviour. Again, it is perspective. I am one of those, fortunately few, LBS with a very nasty, very agressive MLCer that was physically abusive. In comparison, your husband was mild.

Regarding the institution of marriage, in my country, marriage has been in decline for decades. More than 50% of children are born outside of marriage. People live together, but don't tend to marry that much. What is rare is someone my age or younger that is legally married.

Therefore, for me, it ends up making more sense to try to preserve a relationship than a marriage. Even because we have LBS who have their MLCer back, but the marriage is over because the couple divorced and did not remarry.

Does this mean I do not favour marriage? It does not. I like the concept of marriage and I found it very different from living with someone without being married. However, reality is what it is. I would love to remarry, but, probably, if a new relationship comes along, it will not end up in marriage.
Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together. (Marilyn Monroe)

 

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