[Absolutely Fabulous]

No you aren’t missing anything. By “comeback”, I’m referring to returning to the spouse.

[sachat3]

I have nothing to add but am enjoying reading your stories.

I'm only 8 weeks from my BD and so I've been wondering out of those reconciliation stories how many there would be where the MLCer wanted to come home but the LBS didn't want that anymore. Interesting reading.

[waiting4]

AbFab-I agree with Treasur. Both parties are making a decision. And one party can make a decision the other doesn't agree with.

I have to admit I find it hard to understand why R2T agrees with you actually. She may have eventually given up STANDING, I don't see how she had any choice as to whether she would get her husband back or not until now. If he hasn't made any moves to return, then how is that making a choice? Giving up standing when the MLCer has moved on and doesn't show any inclination to come back is just accepting the reality of the situation in my opinion.

To be honest, I think this "the LBS is the one who makes the choice" is just one of these mantras is supposed to make us feel good and empowered. It would only be true if all MLCers were trying to make a comeback, but not all do.

I agree with your thoughts on this...My H is not showing any signs of coming back at this point.. I have hired a life coach to help me keep my focus on myself and try and have as normal a life as possible in this .. I do not want a divorce.. I am willing to do the work to save our marriage.. but if H has no interest there is really nothing I can do about it...

Since my H is 2.5 years into this mess with OW and is currently living with her , all i can do is work on me .. and for now hope he wakes up and decides to move toward me  at some point this year ..

[Why Stand]

I joined HS some 2.5 years after my BD. I've been on the DB forum for a month shy of that time, dealing with my W's MLC (hey, I'm guessing a boob job, tummy tuck, 4X4 car and dating sites qualifies as one!).  I joined here, because it had a slightly different angle to DB.

At the moment, I'm effectively NC (except for kids) but wondering if this is the right tool to use?  I want to stand (I'm still madly in love with her) but, I see no movement from her at all.  I suppose, as the LBS, we do have power, to the extent we decide when it's time to give up and find something else.

If my MLC'er wanted back, I'm willing, but don't know how to communicate that in an effective manner.

[Ready2Transform]

I have to admit I find it hard to understand why R2T agrees with you actually. She may have eventually given up STANDING, I don't see how she had any choice as to whether she would get her husband back or not until now. If he hasn't made any moves to return, then how is that making a choice? Giving up standing when the MLCer has moved on and doesn't show any inclination to come back is just accepting the reality of the situation in my opinion.

You are welcome to your opinion, and I reckon only others who have been in the same situation as I am (which I don't think we share) can relate. There's a difference.

[Absolutely Fabulous]

I have to admit I find it hard to understand why R2T agrees with you actually. She may have eventually given up STANDING, I don't see how she had any choice as to whether she would get her husband back or not until now. If he hasn't made any moves to return, then how is that making a choice? Giving up standing when the MLCer has moved on and doesn't show any inclination to come back is just accepting the reality of the situation in my opinion.

You are welcome to your opinion, and I reckon only others who have been in the same situation as I am (which I don't think we share) can relate. There's a difference.

R2R I've noticed that many of these ladies have had recent BD's, and we've been dealing with this for quite a few more years. My first one was in 2008 and I think that since many of them are new to this, they're looking at this with fresh pain. I've been on the forum for about 4 years now, and I've noticed that things are different when you are new to the forum. Even with multiple posts, we're in a different place than they are.

The discussion is open to all, but please keep in mind many of us on the forum had much earlier BD's and this isn't new or fresh for us.

Standers this isn't a thread to continue what your spouse has done to you, and is still doing. I personally am not focused on my XH at all. I'm not standing, and I'm also not going to get involved in bringing the same discussions that are on other posts onto this thread. Please consider that there are multiple posts to talk about your current situation. This post is really about being empowered.

Goner, your situation is one that involves a different kind of abuse, and it's clear that you're still angry. Rightfully so, but this thread is to keep things positive. Your comment was uncalled for, and it is clear that you have a long way to go on your journey before you can understand where we are coming from.

For those of you still reeling from recent BD's less than 3 years, please understand that we are not in the same place that you are. I'm much farther along on my journey so are R2R and Searching, please keep this in mind while you are posting here.

[Absolutely Fabulous]

To be honest, I think this "the LBS is the one who makes the choice" is just one of these mantras is supposed to make us feel good and empowered. It would only be true if all MLCers were trying to make a comeback, but not all do.

You are definitely not where I am at this point. I feel empowered because I am further along. You're not in a good place right now, and this post is angry. Been there, but it will pass. If your BD has been less than 5 years, then you still have a long way to go when it comes to your personal journey.

[Absolutely Fabulous]

I feel the need to clarify. This thread is about reconciliations, and the choices that the LBSer will have to make. For those who will be faced with the choice of whether or not they want to begin anew or again. I'm going to stay focused on this for the sake of keeping the thread on topic. 

If that is not even remotely where you are, then you are missing the point of the thread. This is about people who are starting to see changes that look like the MLCer is either trying to reconnect (mine has 2x's in the past year), or those who have had premature returns. In other words, re-connections. Reconciliations for those standing aren't even a remote possibility unless they are trying to reconnect. If this is not you, you won't get the point of the thread. Sorry, but you're just not there yet.

IF this isn't your story... It's clear that a few of you haven't been dealing with this for very long, and your posts are ones that those of us who have been dealing with this for several years have all heard before. Multiple times. And it's clear that your spouses aren't trying to reconnect, but are "monstering". They are in the tunnel and you have zero influence on them at this point. This is not a thread to keep that conversation going, there are plenty of other ones for that.

R2R and I aren't standing. She has made some important points about where she is now in her stage of growth. Kudos to you R2R! I would like to keep this thread about the main topic: those that have MLCers that have shown signs of emerging from the tunnel, and the decisions that will have to be made by the LBSer.

IF you are still talking about not having a "choice" in the return, then you need to do more mirror work. That is keeping the focus on the MLCer, and not the purpose of this discussion. That is not to say that you can't learn from us. But, there are many of us who are past needing to be heard on multiple posts, and continuing discussions that are merely a bleed over from one thread to another. Enough already. Let's stay on topic for once.

Why Stand, thanks for joining us. Would love to see more men give their take on the thread. Looking for Ursa to give me his take. 

[1phoenix]

Fabs,

Is it possible that the reason those stories are not seen is because
*When they try and post things out for outside advice, they are shredded by other posters
*There is not a great deal of support for those reconnecting and starting to reconcile

You are so right in your stance that it is the LBS who gets to choose how the relationship proceed.  They are shoes that unless one has walked, it cannot be understood. 

However, since some are MLT and not full blown MLC and some are infidelity, it seems fair to me that there will be some cases of a joint decision and some of just theMLCer. But the majority do appear to be the LBS.

[Absolutely Fabulous]

Fabs,

Is it possible that the reason those stories are not seen is because
*When they try and post things out for outside advice, they are shredded by other posters
*There is not a great deal of support for those reconnecting and starting to reconcile

You are so right in your stance that it is the LBS who gets to choose how the relationship proceed.  They are shoes that unless one has walked, it cannot be understood. 

However, since some are MLT and not full blown MLC and some are infidelity, it seems fair to me that there will be some cases of a joint decision and some of just theMLCer. But the majority do appear to be the LBS.

Yes, yes, and yes!

The joint decision is something that comes later. Think about it: they have to really make it clear that they've (MLCer) changed, also have to be the one to show that they are willing to take the first step. And, it's up to them to face the consequences of their decisions, especially while trying to reconnect. In other words, the initial decision is still the LBSers as to whether or not they will give them another chance. My point entirely.

Thanks for helping to make the distinction.