[Tyks]

Amen, cp!!

[UnbrokenLioness]

We the LBS have the power to deal with the mlcer how we choose. I no longer chase after h or focus on what he is doing. I have other things going on that need my focus.
Am I still a newbie? Yes. But only I and the people around me see me and what goes on are the ones that truly know where I am at in this journey. I'm no longer the lost woman who cries and can't eat or sleep. I no longer wait for his texts. I no longer beg for him to come home. However, I will never try to persuade anyone to stand or not to stand. It isn't my call and this is supposed to be a safe place for all.

[xyzcf]

CP, indeed you do not know me or my situation.

I have a different view than you of MLC. What you think of how men behave is not necessarily the same as how an MLCer will behave.

As I have explained, I believe that marriage is indisolvable. His crisis does not change my beliefs nor will it cause me to go against what I believe regarding marriage.

This is my choice and it is also the choice of many other standers....it is not about his thinking I will take him back. We are still married in the eyes of God.

We have become a society that no longer values faithfulness, or sacrifice. The family is under attack and few people will go against what society tells us is right. My ideas are considered old fashioned..but are they?

I have just made a different decision than you and others who stopped standing. I don't put others down for their choices of not standing. That is not for me to judge.

Just like it is not for you to judge how I live my life, especially since you have no idea who I am or how I live.

[in it]

It doesn’t really matter if someone is standing or not. The real question is: will you want them back after it’s all said and done? After the mirror work, the loses and gains, the new life, or new person who helps you pick up the pieces. In the end what will you choose if that day come? The LBSer not the MLCer. What will you decide?

My answer??
ABSOLUTELY firetruckING NOT!

[Anjae]

Angae, 18 months is not a newbie.

Sorry, but 18 months is still a a newbie. You may not think so, but it is. Not a fresh from BD newbie, but still a newbie. 2.5 years may make you a mid timer. You need to remember that there are people whose spouse has been in Replay for 11 or so years. Therefore, 18 months is a newbie. 

HS keeps me stuck because it continually reminds me of the pain of bd and the first year of turmoil.

Nothing is going to erase BD pain aside from time. BD pain also has nothing to do with being, or not being a stander.

It is like we have the plague or  are devil's children bc we do not allow our self respecf to be trashed.

I truly do not understand what you mean.

Some people tell us to live like they are not coming back ... but does that not involve moving on in all aspects of our lives? We are supposed to get a life and do our mirror work ... but some think that something is wrong with us as soon as we announce we are not standing.

It does. However, regardless of being, or not being a stander, there is a period when we truly aren't ready to move on with certain areas of our life. You are still hurt from BD, therefore, you are still not ready for certain things. For example, a new relationship.

Does this mean you cannot have a new relationship while still hurt from BD? No. But you will still be taking that pain into the new relationship.

I think this forum should be broken up into two parts. Standers/reconciliations and nonstanding/moving on bc no matter where we are in this journey we still need support

That is a no. The subject wad debated over the years by RCR and mods (I was a mod for many years) and it was decided not to create divisions. Also, it would be very difficult because people can stop standing, go back to standing, etc.

What type of support do you need? Being a stander or not a stander is not going to change a certain type of necessary support, because there is a part of support that has nothing to do with that.

I need the atta girl for buying my own house or the you go girl if I have a date etc. I am sure there are many more who would like to see this happen

You haven't been paying much attention to HS, have you? I lost count of how many you go girl/boy that were given/said, and still are, when a LBS buys a new home/has someone new in their lives, etc.

I think many woman LBS on this page are backups, when all else fails for the MLC, they are old reliable and the MLC knows this.

You're wrong. That may be so for newbies, men and women, but it not the case for many mid or long timers. You have missed the part of many LBS being in a new relationhs/new marriage.

In fact, at this point, there aren't those many long time LBS here who would take their MCLer back.

But the LBS having someone new hasn't made the MLCer come out of their crisis like you have said on your previous post.

What I tend to notice is that newbies/LBS who do not know HS very well and over the years, and who do not know how many stories here are, think a lot of things, have many ideas about what may, or may not, work with a MCLer, yet, failed to truly read threads from over the years.

Also don't realise that, for example, RCR never cut contact with her husband. He come and went some 7 or 8 times and they reconciled. Cut contact with a MLCer may, in some cases, not help. That is especially true of clingy-boomerangs.

Men aren't all alike, CP. Nor are women.

[Absolutely Fabulous]

I am glad you found my post “ amusing”. I am sorry that I cannot say the same about yours.

Your statement that MLCers come back when the LBSer meets someone else is false and without any proof at all. Standing is about much more than getting our spouses back.

Our spouses are in crisis. Nothing we do is going to cause them to return until their crisis is over.

I’ll put up the links tomorrow when I have more time, but for now stay tuned. Your need to keep this cat fight going is sad and distracts from the posts. As always you don’t disappoint in the ramping up the drama arena...

Thanks for all of you that are past the Newbie stage and ( the stuck ones that have been enabling the most recent ones for years). Thank you for not taking the bai from what I call the usual subjects.

Searching you don’t just ask innocent questions. And you seem to be the one that gets he ball rolling with the drama on my other threads. Then the other cats join in and divert from the real point of the thread. Not only do they jump in without reading the entire posts.

You started this cat fight and the rest joined in. Clp Norton thanks for sharing. I love how you mentioned maturity levels. Barbiedoll and the others that have been staying with the point of the thread.

[Absolutely Fabulous]

CP, indeed you do not know me or my situation.

I have a different view than you of MLC. What you think of how men behave is not necessarily the same as how an MLCer will behave.

As I have explained, I believe that marriage is indisolvable. His crisis does not change my beliefs nor will it cause me to go against what I believe regarding marriage.

This is my choice and it is also the choice of many other standers....it is not about his thinking I will take him back. We are still married in the eyes of God.

We have become a society that no longer values faithfulness, or sacrifice. The family is under attack and few people will go against what society tells us is right. My ideas are considered old fashioned..but are they?

I have just made a different decision than you and others who stopped standing. I don't put others down for their choices of not standing. That is not for me to judge.

Just like it is not for you to judge how I live my life, especially since you have no idea who I am or how I live.

If that’s not the pot calling the kettle black...

[cplnorton]

I guess we will have to agree to disagree. 

But as much as we talk about the MLC living in a fog, I think  the LBS lives in a fog just as much.  And I think how the MLC has to work their way out of the tunnel.  We as LBS have to work out of the tunnel as well, and stop being in denial about the reality of this all.

I just see a lot of people stuck on this forum and living in the tunnel.  Not so much the newbs as that should be expected.  I think if you are under 2 years on here, you should still be in a tunnel.  But the ones that have been here all these years and still in denial, I just think they are stuck.

On a side note on religion.  I'm probably one of the more religious people on this forum, and I sort of resent a comment earlier that those who have ended our stand, don't have the same views on marriage.  That to me is so wrong.

For me, I never gave up on my marriage.  She did.  And just like if she had died, and I was remarried, I do not believe God will look down at me for this.  Because she did die.  I gave everything I had to keep my marriage and I have no reservations standing in front of God and looking him in the eye and saying that.  And I firmly believe he knows I did everything I could.

When this all started, I said I only have to stand and look at three people in the eye about the failure of my marriage.
 Two were my 2 sons, when someday they are grown men, and God.  And I have no problem standing in front of any of them and looking them in the eye, standing tall, with my head held high.

God didn't plan on marriage being like this for us.  The Devil temped our spouses, and our spouses gave in. 
 

[Absolutely Fabulous]

if the real question is,'  would we take them back ?' why didn't you just say so? AFAB,   what I hear from you is bitterness and revenge.  I feel as though you want to be apart of the reconciled group but you cant fit in. hows that for your hs drama?
as for me , I have moved forward with my life. but still standing. I do everything but date. does that make me stuck? then I guess so. as for detachment,that's easy when it isn't my h.  but when it is I fall back again.  I honestly believe until these 2 people morph back into one is when the new h will be revealed.

The answer? The discussion was supposed to bring that out. It wasn’t about me to begin with. Somehow that got lost in translation...

As with other posts I’ve read, but refrained from posting on (some would do well to follow that course as well, but I digress) emotions took over instead of thinking and you have the mess you have been reading before you.

The usual attacks started once I clarified, that’s gotten out of control on this forum. Often. And the personal attacks that go with it. Doesn’t bother me, I’m past all of it. I think many people who are at this point are no longer in the coddling business. We know it only prolongs the LBSers suffering. I’m direct and that won’t change. I’m also unfazed by the attacks of old timers. I’m healed enough to recognize those who aren’t.

Newbies don’t be fooled, many of the old timers are stuck in loops. Don’t think so? See how often they post daily and how many post the same things. They just recycle information.

The elephant in the room question is: Just how much power does the MLCer have over you, where you really believe they hold all the cards? And how many of you are going to listen to the one man that has told you how your immature MLCer thinks and why early returns resort in more Bomb drops?

Think on that one for a minute...

[xyzcf]

Sigh....

CP:

On a side note on religion.  I'm probably one of the more religious people on this forum, and I sort of resent a comment earlier that those who have ended our stand, don't have the same views on marriage.  That to me is so wrong.

I made it very very very clear that these are my beliefs. I do not expect anyone else to share my beliefs and I do not judge anyone else for what they believe.

I have never wavered in 8 1/2 years about my beliefs and I will never waiver on this.

So please, do not put words that are not there.