[Absolutely Fabulous]

I've been off the forum for a while, but I've noticed something on other sites: it's the LBSer not the MLCer that decides if the MLCer can come back.

If and/or when the MLCer finally emerges from the tunnel is not the determinant, it's the LBSers decision, not the MLCers.

I wondered why so few reconciliation stories. People have left the forum. I suspect not because they gave up, but because they've moved on. They grew from the experience, and decided they didn't want to have to deal with a broken person. This could be because of the progress they've made, or simply because too much time has past.

In reading other sites, this seems to be the case for many LBSers. Not wanting to have to stop their momentum with what they have accomplished within their own growth. Possibly, because they have found someone new. Or have decided that their lives have gone in a different direction, and aren't willing to wait for the MLCer to join them.

Should be a interesting discussion.

[UnbrokenLioness]

I think I have grown and have come a long way from where I was at 1 year ago. I definitely accepted that this was not my fault and that it needs to be H who works through this himself.
I see pieces of old H here and there. I think that's why I haven't been the one to file the d. But shall he actually go through with filing, I will not fight him on it. I am at peace with me having a job after not having had one for over a decade and have become proud of myself. That's one thing this journey can't take away from me.

[Macy]

Hello Fabulous, this is the best piece of news I've read in a very long time. It gives LBS some of the power taken away by the MLCER. Fourteen months post BD I still feel that I have not come to grips with the situation completely. I miss H even though he is nothing like the man I knew for twenty years. These days everyone says that he behaves like his teenage self.

Yes I watch from a distance as our children tell him that now that he left they will not be playing happy sundays with him and his family. Our kids always clearly state that since he left he has no say in their life and that he has given up the right to discipline them.

I clearly believe that MLCERS live in Lala land where they destroy people and they expect to continue to feel loved and respected. Well, it doesn't work that way.

Although I can forgive the mental abusive and infidelity I don't know how the children would feel about having H back. Since he filed for separation their relationship with him has crashed and burnt.
I don't want to sound smug but they have been loyal towards me. I suppose they know which parent carried them through the storm.

MLC sucks but it does make LBS stronger and I am living for the day when I no longer feel the emptiness of his loss.

[Not Applicable]

I haven't left the forum but I have mostly stopped posting. I know this is a question people keep asking, why do people stop posting? What happened?

Well, for me it is simply because my H has gone off script. He's definitely still in MLC, but I don't really find the stories on here to be very relevant anymore. People say that they tend to start off on script and then each MLCer takes their own path and I think that is true. It's useful to be here when the script is being followed but not so much when the path is different.

Also, I've made a conscious decision to as much as is possible, act as if he is NOT in MLC, but quickly going back into MLC mode when I sense his mood is getting more MLC-like again. It's been a good strategy for me but it is one I chose from my own mind and not because it is was advised to act that way here. So really reading all the "detach, work on yourself, live like they are not coming back (which always was bull$h!te advice in my opinion and still is very much so), blah blah blah" just is not helpful anymore.

With regards to your original suggestion, my H never left. NEVER throughout his entire MLC have I worried I was going to lose him. He will not leave me if I still want him. I know this. I've never gotten threats from him to end it, but when he senses I am unhappy he tells me I can end it if I want. I can't say all MLCers are like this but I think especially the stay at homers never have any intention to leave us, but they do feel guilt about how they treat us and therefore sometimes think we would be happier without them.

For me it has never been an issue of us staying together or ending it, it's been a question of what is our marriage going to look like 1-2-3 years down the road? If it looks like it does now, forget it, I will leave, but I trust the process and will give him the chance to get his act together. If he doesn't then I will make the choice to LEAVE him (not let him come back, because that's not what it is about).

Anyway, I will go back into my lurking mode now but this is an interesting subject you have opened up.

[Ready2Transform]

I can only speak to my own experience, 6.5 years post BD, but I've found everything you said to be true. I was not a "Covenant Keeper" per se but I did plan to stand until he came home, however long that took (my guesstimate at that point was 2 years tops - he was gonna be a quick one! ). He was a clinging boomerang early on so there were plenty of breadcrumbs to keep me going.

When he vanished I idealized him and "felt" he was moving through the process and growing and was "going away to come back" (can't remember if it was RCR or HB that coined that one). Once we did have contact it was clear none of that was happening, and having him front and center as he was in the present, not who he was in the past, showed me that I just didn't feel the same, and couldn't see any motivation for saving this marriage anymore. His marriage to OW was not the catalyst, but it did eventually help get me over the hurdle. Perfect punishment for he and OW is that they're stuck with each other. My bankruptcy from all of this and how "stuck" I felt were also aids. I prayed for peace a lot by that point, no matter what that meant.

It happened for me gradually I think, but also very suddenly once it was really done. I can remember waking up one day about a year ago and feeling like it really was the first day of the rest of my life, and he was no longer my first thought.

[Searching4Answers]

I've been off the forum for a while, but I've noticed something on other sites: it's the LBSer not the MLCer that decides if the MLCer can come back.

If and/or when the MLCer finally emerges from the tunnel is not the determinant, it's the LBSers decision, not the MLCers.

It is interesting to me that you noticed this on other sites - this has been a common theme on this forum for as long as I can remember and I have been on-and-off the forum for 5 years now. I learned this fact on this forum many years ago.

Is this something that is not talked about here any more?

I lurk way more than I post now a days. I follow a few old timer threads but don't get too involved in the new stories as I am at a much different point now - not sure how much help I would be to a newer LBS.

[Treasur]

I'm not so sure about this. Seems to me that both players get to make choices...the MLC spouse at some point chooses to reconnect or not. Many do, but not all. Meanwhile the LBS might have given up on them and closed the door, that's true. And the LBS gets to choose how/if they respond to a post-tunnel reconnecting spouse pop up. Some may welcome that; others not. But I think both choose in different ways at different times and for different reasons maybe.

[Absolutely Fabulous]

I'm not so sure about this. Seems to me that both players get to make choices...the MLC spouse at some point chooses to reconnect or not. Many do, but not all. Meanwhile the LBS might have given up on them and closed the door, that's true. And the LBS gets to choose how/if they respond to a post-tunnel reconnecting spouse pop up. Some may welcome that; others not. But I think both choose in different ways at different times and for different reasons maybe.

In the end, the LBSer really is the deciding factor. Remember, MLCers have to “come back”. So in the end the LBSer is ultimately the one to make the decision. Leaving the tunnel happens, but it doesn’t guarantee the LBSer wanting to reconcile.

Searching, I’m not comparing sites, just pointed out they don’t all have “standers” like HS. A different point of view, one that doesn’t involve “standing” never hurts. The discussion is really more to see how people feel about who really makes the final decision on reconciliation or moving on without them.

Having said this, it’s empowering taking the focus off the MLCer and onto what the LBSer may or may not want for themselves. Standing or not, the bottom line is what the LBSer wants after this experience. Pick up the pieces or move on without looking back? It’s just something to think about.

[Not Applicable]

AbFab-I agree with Treasur. Both parties are making a decision. And one party can make a decision the other doesn't agree with.

I have to admit I find it hard to understand why R2T agrees with you actually. She may have eventually given up STANDING, I don't see how she had any choice as to whether she would get her husband back or not until now. If he hasn't made any moves to return, then how is that making a choice? Giving up standing when the MLCer has moved on and doesn't show any inclination to come back is just accepting the reality of the situation in my opinion.

To be honest, I think this "the LBS is the one who makes the choice" is just one of these mantras is supposed to make us feel good and empowered. It would only be true if all MLCers were trying to make a comeback, but not all do.

[waiting4]

I'm not so sure about this. Seems to me that both players get to make choices...the MLC spouse at some point chooses to reconnect or not. Many do, but not all. Meanwhile the LBS might have given up on them and closed the door, that's true. And the LBS gets to choose how/if they respond to a post-tunnel reconnecting spouse pop up. Some may welcome that; others not. But I think both choose in different ways at different times and for different reasons maybe.

In the end, the LBSer really is the deciding factor. Remember, MLCers have to “come back”. So in the end the LBSer is ultimately the one to make the decision. Leaving the tunnel happens, but it doesn’t guarantee the LBSer wanting to reconcile.

Searching, I’m not comparing sites, just pointed out they don’t all have “standers” like HS. A different point of view, one that doesn’t involve “standing” never hurts. The discussion is really more to see how people feel about who really makes the final decision on reconciliation or moving on without them.

Having said this, it’s empowering taking the focus off the MLCer and onto what the LBSer may or may not want for themselves. Standing or not, the bottom line is what the LBSer wants after this experience. Pick up the pieces or move on without looking back? It’s just something to think about.

this is an interesting discission... I may be confued on this so please correct me if im wrong.. but i have not read where the MLCer "HAS TO COME BACK".. i have read they go through the tunnel, some can get stuck in the tunnel.. some can coem out and be so changed that they choose to stay with OW... so am i missing something?