[xyzcf]

I am glad you found my post “ amusing”. I am sorry that I cannot say the same about yours.

Your statement that MLCers come back when the LBSer meets someone else is false and without any proof at all. Standing is about much more than getting our spouses back.

Our spouses are in crisis. Nothing we do is going to cause them to return until their crisis is over.

[Treasur]

Someone in RL (who has always believed that my STBXH would reappear wanting to reconnect, if only as part of recovering his life/history/health) asked me what I would do post-watchgate...and I said I didn't know, that I'd just trust my ability to know at the time if it happened.

So then she asked...well, what would you need to see to take a first step, to open the door to maybe, if not a yes? It was a darned good question so I mused on it while playing in my new allotment.

Forgiveness is not an issue for me; nor is love. Not being an idiot about trust and not getting sucked into the Sandpit of Disorder probably is! From what I've heard, they don't return magically 'done' and (understandably) not overflowing with remorse, transparency and courage either. I would probably be less concerned about Whys than a year ago, but much more about Whats.

My first thoughts about what would matter to me:
- some level of reciprocity/balance...if my spouse was still all Me, Me, Me...nothing useful to work with
- if they can't/won't tell any of the truth or keep lying to obviously control things...ditto
- if I am trying to own stuff that’s not my responsibility or be ‘right’ or 'fix' him..then I'm not ready.
- if neither of us feels safe enough to make a small calm bit of ground...again, not the time

Would be interested in hearing what others think. What were the actions you saw that told you clearly that your MLCer wanted to reconnect and you had a choice to make? And what criteria did you use to make it?

[Keep believing]

IN YOUR THREAD IT NEVER SOUNDED LIKE YOUR H WAS ASKING TO COME HOME. HE JUST HAPPENED TO BE AROUND.  HONESTLY, I DONT THINK THERE IS ANYTHING TO BE DISCUSSED ON THIS THREAD. IF THE MLCER ASKS TO COME HOME ,DONT WE ALL KNOW THAT WOULD BE OUR DECISION ? !!!!!!

[Not Applicable]

I would just like to quote from my first response to this thread, in case anyone missed it:

this is an interesting subject you have opened up.

Someone asks a question, I respectfully answer and give my own opinion, I even pay them a compliment for opening the topic, and then...?

 

[Treasur]

Ok, folks, this isn't feeling comfortable for me - not sure what's going on, but I'm going to skip out and leave you to it 

[Not Applicable]

As I recall Searching took the first swipe and Goner the next. You all seem to have a problem with people defending themselves when they don’t agree with you. Start from the beginning. R2 made a great point. Searching and Goner took the low road. Start there and then you be the judge.

No one NEEDS to defend THEMSELVES when someone disagrees with their opinion. The only thing they might want to defend is their opinion. That is taking the high road. Personally, I respect every opinion that has been expressed on this thread concerning the original topic, even if I don't agree with it.

I appreciate though that you have made your stance clear that you consider any disagreement with your opinion on the topic to be a low, personal attack. That makes your rant about newbies make a lot of sense. Because newbies aren't going to see things the way you do and therefore by your logic they are out to attack you.

[Searching4Answers]

Let me remind you of my past Moniker: My3girls.

This is why I wish we had a way to see previous used names Had I realized who was posting I would have stayed clear.

As I recall Searching took the first swipe and Goner the next. You all seem to have a problem with people defending themselves when they don’t agree with you. Start from the beginning. R2 made a great point. Searching and Goner took the low road. Start there and then you be the judge.

This actually seems to be your problem. I'm not sure why I am always called out in your threads.

I've been off the forum for a while, but I've noticed something on other sites: it's the LBSer not the MLCer that decides if the MLCer can come back.

If and/or when the MLCer finally emerges from the tunnel is not the determinant, it's the LBSers decision, not the MLCers.

It is interesting to me that you noticed this on other sites - this has been a common theme on this forum for as long as I can remember and I have been on-and-off the forum for 5 years now. I learned this fact on this forum many years ago.

Is this something that is not talked about here any more?

I lurk way more than I post now a days. I follow a few old timer threads but don't get too involved in the new stories as I am at a much different point now - not sure how much help I would be to a newer LBS.

How exactly is this taking the low road? I asked a simple clarifying question.

No need to respond to this. I have been on the other side of your unjustified attacks before - I know how it works.

[SteelSpine]

You know, I sometimes feel that we are all LBS's to AbFab's MLC. 

We need to work on our detachment, so we don't get pulled into the drama.

She will be monster at us, be argumentative, accusatory... and threaten to leave us for another forum...

It will be confusing, feel like gaslighting, as we are attacked at the most vulnerable time in our lives.

We will question our worth in posting.

But remember, when it come to participating on AbFab's threads---

WE get to decide!

[Keep believing]

if the real question is,'  would we take them back ?' why didn't you just say so? AFAB,   what I hear from you is bitterness and revenge.  I feel as though you want to be apart of the reconciled group but you cant fit in. hows that for your hs drama?
as for me , I have moved forward with my life. but still standing. I do everything but date. does that make me stuck? then I guess so. as for detachment,that's easy when it isn't my h.  but when it is I fall back again.  I honestly believe until these 2 people morph back into one is when the new h will be revealed.

[Tyks]

Omg this thread blew up. Afab, always enjoyed reading your upbeat posts.  At what point are we still considered newbies? 18 months in and i am almost divorced, 25 days to go. Am I still a newbie. No matter really, I only chimed in bc I want to know what the nonstanding sites are as i cannot seem to find them. I wouldnt take mlch back in a million years. If you have time any chabce you can pm them to me ? This "standing" forum brings me down... although there are some wonderful people here !!