Author Topic: My Story Wondering how best to move forward  (Read 4007 times)

Online Treasur

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My Story Re: Wondering how best to move forward
« Reply #60 on: December 04, 2018, 12:14:39 PM »
That sounds wise, Nerissa.
And it is ok to say that on reflection you would rather not and maybe you don't need to explain or justify it actually. I can certainly see little gain for you and some risk, so what's the point. Let the L's deal with it.
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline KeepItTogether

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Re: Wondering how best to move forward
« Reply #61 on: December 04, 2018, 12:24:50 PM »
Yes let the lawyers handle, particularly if you think he will monster. No good could come out of that meeting. Best to take care of yourself Nerissa. Sad thing is, they simply do not care that we are at all distressed. They lack empathy for us, and probably for everyone. We cannot appeal to their compassion when they don’t have it. I know it’s so painful. I think you are making the right decision.
Me 47
H 46
BD 5/16
H Moved out 6/16
OW--yes. Worked for H. EA turned into PA while I was in chemo. On again/off again like every high school romance

Offline xyzcf

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Re: Wondering how best to move forward
« Reply #62 on: January 14, 2019, 10:51:22 AM »
Hi Nerissa,

I moved this from Serenity's thread here because she needs to start a new thread. You wrote:

Indeed, confusing and cruel.  Xyczf, I’m wondering if your therapist gives any ideas about what might be happening.

My therapist does not usually comment at all about him. This is a different style of therapy that I have been going to for 1 1/2 is mind/body based so her concern is me, treating my PTSD and how I have stayed in a fight/flight mode. She turns what I say into where I am feeling it in my body and how can I change that feeling.

My own T suggested some ambivalence and talked about the strength of attachment: how we will do anything to avoid the breaking of important attachments.  Since some of us seem to have been put into mother role, I can’t help wondering if this is what we are experiencing.  That they don’t want to be with us as partners but they can’t bear that we aren’t in their lives at all.

Indeed. There was aline we used to say here, that they are like a little boy getting on a school bus for the first time and they keep looking back to see if "mommy" is still there.

Many of our spouses crisis started after the death of a significant person in their lives. My husband's crisis started after the death of his mother who he was very close to (and an only child to boot).

When I protested to my T that H didn’t seem concerned about not being attached to me she replied that he is.  I said ‘No he isn’t’. And she said that at any time he can still call me.  ( theory might call that having an ‘internal object I think - it’s when a baby is able to understand its mother exists and it can hold her in its mind even when she isn’t there).

That explains why they continue to contact us, in random and inexplainable ways.

but I do see that he isn’t willing for me to disappear: the last email talked about a ‘beautiful friendship’ between us .

Yes, when my husband divorced me 9 years after BD and I told him that his divorce would destroy any small friendship that was still left between us, he snarled back at me "oh xyzcf, people get divorced all the time and still remain friends.

His freindship is toxic to me. He is "dangerous" to me and causes me great my therapist has stated "drowning people drown people".

I’m just musing because I’m writing an essay on the origins of attachment..

My therapist has talked to me about attachment and recommended the book "Attached. The New Science of Adul;t Attachment" by Amir Levine and Rachel Heller. I think she understands attachment theory very well, and what happens to an infant or small child when there is a deviation in that attachment to their mothers.

I have not had a change to read sits with several other books that I plan someday to read.

I will go and read your thread as I have not done so. It is hard to keep up and I don't spend as much time as I used to..I have a feeling our stories have some similarities for my husband is also a top exec and we were living out of the country when this all came down.

Thank you for your comments...we can learn so much from one another.
"Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see" Hebrews 11:1

"You enrich my life and are a source of joy and consolation to me. But if I lose you, I will not, I must not spend the rest of my life in unhappiness."

" The truth does not change according to our ability to stomach it". Flannery O'Connor


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