Author Topic: My Story Should I stay or should I go now.  (Read 3738 times)

Offline riverbirchTopic starter

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My Story Should I stay or should I go now.
« on: February 09, 2018, 02:05:31 AM »
The title sums up my life right now. I feel like that squirrel crossing the road.

Brief recap. The major upheaval started in 2012. He left at the end of October. He went to work and didn't come back around for many weeks. I thought he'd be back in a few weeks. Then I went to see him at a garage bay he had rented for his small recycling business.He had bought a slide in truck camper and there it sat. That's what he was living in ,inside his rented bay. No running water. No toilet. That's when I knew he totally lost his mind.

Around Christmas he started coming around sporadically. He tried antidepressants for four months. He looked up his old high school hag. He has had crushes on younger women as old as our kids. 18 to mid twenties.

He came back like he left. Just decided to stay but he wasn't done. I think it was because he needed a place to stay.

The things that he's done. He had multiple ideas for side business,lived in a camper,blown a lot of money at the casino,chased women,no luck other than the hag. He said they didn't have  sex. We lost our house,his job,his sanity and maybe his family. Oh let me not forget his prized bike,which he called a her. He got in an accident,wasn't his fault but that lead to him losing his job. They will blow everything.

His father died a few years ago and he left once he came back from visiting them. He was in school ,chasing young women then under my nose. The girl didn't want him. He's had a crush on a young woman since he first left,which I thought had gone away. He's been stalking her through fb. She had no idea so i told her! Haha. She doesn't want him either. She blocked him.

He's still here today. He does things and I always find out. He says he wants to be here. I found out he sent a message to one of her friends,asking her to tell the woman,she's his dream girl. He's heading for a restraining order. He sounds like my d ex h. He did the same and where is he? Sleeping in his car,working low life jobs.

Yesterday we had a small discussion before he had to leave to do work. He said he thought he wanted to be here. He came back like everything was ok,telling me he signed up for more classes pertaining to his field,which he's had to change because of his job loss. Great for him! I went to get my car out of the snow lot and while I was gone he sent me a text asking if he needed to find a place to live. I didn't read it til I got home and was standing right there with him. I haven't said anything yet.  I haven't decided what I want to do yet. There still more to discuss. I couldn't sleep and came out to the couch again.

One positive thing happened yesterday. I got a drs appointment finally. It's not til May. I haven't been for 5 years! I accomplished something for me. This is what my anxiety does. I can't make decisions for $hit.

Previous thread:  http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9129.0
« Last Edit: February 09, 2018, 02:23:00 AM by Thunder »
Me 52
H (whatever he is) 53
D for financial reasons March 2012
Started seeing massive change over the summer 2012
Left end of October 2012
Started coming home thanksgiving 2013
Home now. March 2014
Believe ow is gone
Probably going through this for years
OW discovered Oct.23,2013,old GF from before we met at the age of 16!
Left again Oct. 20 2015
Came back two weeks later
Still here 01/17 not done yet

Online Mitzpah

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Re: Should I stay or should I go now.
« Reply #1 on: February 09, 2018, 02:35:12 AM »
River,

I am so glad you made that doctor's appointment! It is time to take more care of River  :)

You said you had a small discussion before he had to leave for work, did you confront him on his 'stalking' behavior?


M 56
H 56
S 26
S 25
D 23
BD 13 Dec 2010
Divorced 27 Feb 2015 (30 years marriage)

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future" Jeremiah 29:11

Offline riverbirchTopic starter

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Re: Should I stay or should I go now.
« Reply #2 on: February 09, 2018, 03:22:27 AM »
Not yet. I asked him what he had done. He said he hasn't done anything. He's like Jekyll and Hyde. I have another day off. I'm playing things in my head as to what to say without flipping out. Once I flip out nonsense comes out.
Me 52
H (whatever he is) 53
D for financial reasons March 2012
Started seeing massive change over the summer 2012
Left end of October 2012
Started coming home thanksgiving 2013
Home now. March 2014
Believe ow is gone
Probably going through this for years
OW discovered Oct.23,2013,old GF from before we met at the age of 16!
Left again Oct. 20 2015
Came back two weeks later
Still here 01/17 not done yet

Online Whyus

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Re: Should I stay or should I go now.
« Reply #3 on: February 09, 2018, 04:43:00 AM »
"Once I flip out nonsense comes out."

Your not the only one but sometimes it can make you feel better.... Truth Darts arent nonsense and can be your best weapon if used properly...

Dont froget to breath if you do talk to him and talk quietly  ;)
Married - 19,5 Years pre BD
Together - 21,5 Years
Me: 45
W: 45 (Acts 25)
BD 1: 10.01.2017
BD 2: 24.02.2017 OM 28 (now 30) Trainings partner. W is trying to get People to accept them.
2 Sons - 18 & 20
2 Dogs and a cat.
Own home . Sold!
Divorce Date 21.08.2018
T1  http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8671.0

Offline riverbirchTopic starter

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Re: Should I stay or should I go now.
« Reply #4 on: February 09, 2018, 06:27:04 AM »
Yeah quietly is the harder part for me too. That's how I got stuff out of him yesterday. I can blow things up pretty bad.
Me 52
H (whatever he is) 53
D for financial reasons March 2012
Started seeing massive change over the summer 2012
Left end of October 2012
Started coming home thanksgiving 2013
Home now. March 2014
Believe ow is gone
Probably going through this for years
OW discovered Oct.23,2013,old GF from before we met at the age of 16!
Left again Oct. 20 2015
Came back two weeks later
Still here 01/17 not done yet

Online Thunder

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Re: Should I stay or should I go now.
« Reply #5 on: February 09, 2018, 06:44:25 AM »
But remember River, that last time you blew things out of the water, he left but came back remorseful.

I'm not saying you should yell at him but sometimes clearing the air is a good thing.
Don't fear it.
With her permission, a quote from a recovered MLCer: 
From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did.

Online barbiedoll

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Re: Should I stay or should I go now.
« Reply #6 on: February 09, 2018, 12:47:00 PM »
Quote
Should I stay or should I go now.
.

And this is the never ending question , isn't it River ?. Should I stand or should I run? Should I re-build or is it too far gone and I am just avoiding divorce?  I have lived in these questions for nearly 4 years as impossible to believe as that is. And I know that you have to. It is that shattered trust thing, it is knowing what they are actually capable of doing , it is all those "what if's ", and what the hell is wrong with me anyway questions?  It truly is a huge helping of FEAR. I know that about myself now. I also know that some of this FEAR is self-served. Its what I am telling and serving myself .

My therapist and I have discussed this endlessly . I still have never put my rings on since sept 2013. Secretly I wore them around the house one day to see how they felt ... lol! . I am not ready ... but I am frustrated with my own "stuck" and truly, I really do not know why I cannot ...simply cannot ... put them on or commit. Makes me cry EVERY SINGLE TIME I talk about it or think about it . She now will do some EMDR and see "what come up" . That's scary.

She told me that when the "pain of staying is worse than the pain of leaving" ..I will have my answer. That I am not ready yet . Betrayal by a spouse and the shattering loss of trust almost takes the air out of your lungs and blood from your heart ... and there is a FEAR that encases us and protects us from that happening again. But I do truly believe that when we are fully able to trust ourselves, really truly know that we are going to be absolutely fabulous ...not matter what the hell happens , that's when the fear will leave us . I believe that and I work in that direction daily .

Your husband did a very stupid , immature and incredibly hurtfull thing . He truly did.

Quote
Sorry about the inappropriate message but maybe you can pass this on. I know she doesn't care about me but I have to say that even if I can't see ( creep) Julia on th anymore shell always be my dream girl. I'm sorry for being such a pretentious douche and I regret every day not being able to keep things in perspective,I've just never been in water so deep per se.Nothing personal on the unfriending everyone either just seemed like the proper thing to do. I won't bother you anymore.
.

This is simply crazee and inappropriate , as he seems to recognize. And if I have this correct...is about a waitress that would not give him the time of day?  Its creepy, like police creepy. Obviously he is still in "crisis " or simply fruit-loops crazy. I just don't know. "water so deep?" . what does that even mean ?

The way I see it is 2 choices ..

1. Detach/ severe completely and entirely. Live like a roommate with no emotional investment . Do your own thing, chalk it up to MLC and he just has not finished his trip. La la la ... off you go and get a life of your own and just leave him alone.

2. Blow it all up ... confront him. Demand an explanation ...I mean REALLY demand to know what his game is. Set some rock solid boundaries ( counselling , access to all his devices etc) . If he chooses not to abide by boundaries of respect and fidelity , then there is your answer. And YOU make the call about your life with that information. You can do that in a controlled monotone voice ( yes you can!) or scream your face off... your presentation is within your control. But to go to the couch in silent brewding anger is passive aggressive .. and pointless. Maybe you just needed that time to think it thru. But it is not option 3, 4 or 5 . HUGS to you ... and I wish it was all so very different.

I do not know any options 3,4 or 5.
Married April 1985
5 children
Bomb Drop April 2013
Thrown out of house August 2013
Affair discovered November 2013 (i guessed who)
Home December 3 2013
The Journey Of Reconciliation .. is for the brave .

Anger is like a candle in the wind ... it blows out the light of all reason.

Offline MCSINME

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Re: Should I stay or should I go now.
« Reply #7 on: February 09, 2018, 01:33:14 PM »
River:
Six years is so truly long to be unsure and emotionally tossed around.
I think option 1 AND option 2 are difficult, but probably the best options given your Hs immaturity and carelessness.
I'm sure difficult to process, but think about it and ruminate on what's going to make you feel stronger.

Get your strength and encouragement from wherever you can.
Come here to your friends at HS.  We're behind you.

MCS

Offline riverbirchTopic starter

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Re: Should I stay or should I go now.
« Reply #8 on: February 10, 2018, 02:21:23 PM »
I think the comment in water so deep means he's in love with her. He's a stupid man. Give me a f ing break. He doesn't even really know her. They didn't go out and as far as I know they were only together at that diner. Friends,but once again she's a young woman being friendly with an older man ,thinking it's all so innocent. Another dumb a$$. I wonder what his old work mates would think of him now. Oh good for you Johnny!  Or wtf? Most of the crew he worked with went to that diner including myself when we worked together. F ing deranged pervert.

I haven't slept good and I'm extremely grumpy. I got dressed and went out for a while. I had to get groceries and I didn't get him a damn thing. I usually buy him snacks for work. Screw him. He can be broke and hungry.

He's said nothing today. He did get my coffee ready to brew for when I got up. He still has no clue that I know his beloved secret. I wonder if the friend sent him a message back yet. I keep writing for the cops to show up. Maybe the woman will go to them. She was very creeper out when I told her he had pictures of her. Good! 
Me 52
H (whatever he is) 53
D for financial reasons March 2012
Started seeing massive change over the summer 2012
Left end of October 2012
Started coming home thanksgiving 2013
Home now. March 2014
Believe ow is gone
Probably going through this for years
OW discovered Oct.23,2013,old GF from before we met at the age of 16!
Left again Oct. 20 2015
Came back two weeks later
Still here 01/17 not done yet

Offline OffRoad

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Re: Should I stay or should I go now.
« Reply #9 on: February 10, 2018, 06:45:52 PM »
Option 3: tell your truth, set your boundaries or say where your boundaries have been crossed, and follow through on whatever your consequences to boundary crossing are.

While mine was an at home wallower, and I don't in any way mean to compare what I had to what you have, it's like apples and dandelions, I tolerated a lot because those things didn't matter to my well being. But after the first monster rush, he only tried once again because I called him on it. I was not going to allow myself to be yelled at. When he moved out and kept coming in and taking things, I told him I'd change the locks. I did.   Do you know what your consequences for him crossing any boundary is? And if he crosses it, implement that consequence?

He may be trying to get you to throw him out if he feels like he has a chance with this girl. Boundary: you go out with another woman (or one not approved as ok), you need to leave. Boundary: If you leave, you cannot come back **at all, for 6 months, for one year, whatever *

It's just an impression, because I have never been where you are, but it seems like you are still waiting for your H to figure it all out. That's fine, but don't you think you deserve to live a contented life, too?
« Last Edit: February 10, 2018, 06:47:44 PM by OffRoad »

When life gives you lemons, make SALSA!

 

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