Author Topic: My Story Should I stay or should I go now.  (Read 4696 times)

Offline riverbirchTopic starter

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My Story Should I stay or should I go now.
« on: February 09, 2018, 02:05:31 AM »
The title sums up my life right now. I feel like that squirrel crossing the road.

Brief recap. The major upheaval started in 2012. He left at the end of October. He went to work and didn't come back around for many weeks. I thought he'd be back in a few weeks. Then I went to see him at a garage bay he had rented for his small recycling business.He had bought a slide in truck camper and there it sat. That's what he was living in ,inside his rented bay. No running water. No toilet. That's when I knew he totally lost his mind.

Around Christmas he started coming around sporadically. He tried antidepressants for four months. He looked up his old high school hag. He has had crushes on younger women as old as our kids. 18 to mid twenties.

He came back like he left. Just decided to stay but he wasn't done. I think it was because he needed a place to stay.

The things that he's done. He had multiple ideas for side business,lived in a camper,blown a lot of money at the casino,chased women,no luck other than the hag. He said they didn't have  sex. We lost our house,his job,his sanity and maybe his family. Oh let me not forget his prized bike,which he called a her. He got in an accident,wasn't his fault but that lead to him losing his job. They will blow everything.

His father died a few years ago and he left once he came back from visiting them. He was in school ,chasing young women then under my nose. The girl didn't want him. He's had a crush on a young woman since he first left,which I thought had gone away. He's been stalking her through fb. She had no idea so i told her! Haha. She doesn't want him either. She blocked him.

He's still here today. He does things and I always find out. He says he wants to be here. I found out he sent a message to one of her friends,asking her to tell the woman,she's his dream girl. He's heading for a restraining order. He sounds like my d ex h. He did the same and where is he? Sleeping in his car,working low life jobs.

Yesterday we had a small discussion before he had to leave to do work. He said he thought he wanted to be here. He came back like everything was ok,telling me he signed up for more classes pertaining to his field,which he's had to change because of his job loss. Great for him! I went to get my car out of the snow lot and while I was gone he sent me a text asking if he needed to find a place to live. I didn't read it til I got home and was standing right there with him. I haven't said anything yet.  I haven't decided what I want to do yet. There still more to discuss. I couldn't sleep and came out to the couch again.

One positive thing happened yesterday. I got a drs appointment finally. It's not til May. I haven't been for 5 years! I accomplished something for me. This is what my anxiety does. I can't make decisions for $hit.

Previous thread:  http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9129.0
« Last Edit: February 09, 2018, 02:23:00 AM by Thunder »
Me 52
H (whatever he is) 53
D for financial reasons March 2012
Started seeing massive change over the summer 2012
Left end of October 2012
Started coming home thanksgiving 2013
Home now. March 2014
Believe ow is gone
Probably going through this for years
OW discovered Oct.23,2013,old GF from before we met at the age of 16!
Left again Oct. 20 2015
Came back two weeks later
Still here 01/17 not done yet

Online Mitzpah

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Re: Should I stay or should I go now.
« Reply #1 on: February 09, 2018, 02:35:12 AM »
River,

I am so glad you made that doctor's appointment! It is time to take more care of River  :)

You said you had a small discussion before he had to leave for work, did you confront him on his 'stalking' behavior?


M 57
H 57
S 26
S 25
D 23
BD 13 Dec 2010
Divorced 27 Feb 2015 (30 years marriage)

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future" Jeremiah 29:11

Offline riverbirchTopic starter

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Re: Should I stay or should I go now.
« Reply #2 on: February 09, 2018, 03:22:27 AM »
Not yet. I asked him what he had done. He said he hasn't done anything. He's like Jekyll and Hyde. I have another day off. I'm playing things in my head as to what to say without flipping out. Once I flip out nonsense comes out.
Me 52
H (whatever he is) 53
D for financial reasons March 2012
Started seeing massive change over the summer 2012
Left end of October 2012
Started coming home thanksgiving 2013
Home now. March 2014
Believe ow is gone
Probably going through this for years
OW discovered Oct.23,2013,old GF from before we met at the age of 16!
Left again Oct. 20 2015
Came back two weeks later
Still here 01/17 not done yet

Online Whyus

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Re: Should I stay or should I go now.
« Reply #3 on: February 09, 2018, 04:43:00 AM »
"Once I flip out nonsense comes out."

Your not the only one but sometimes it can make you feel better.... Truth Darts arent nonsense and can be your best weapon if used properly...

Dont froget to breath if you do talk to him and talk quietly  ;)
Married - 19,5 Years pre BD
Together - 21,5 Years
Me: 45
W: 45 (Acts 25)
BD 1: 10.01.2017
BD 2: 24.02.2017 OM 28 (now 30) Trainings partner. W is trying to get People to accept them.
2 Sons - 19 & 20
1 Dogs and a cat.
Own home . Sold!
Divorce Date 21.08.2018
T1  http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8671.0

Offline riverbirchTopic starter

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Re: Should I stay or should I go now.
« Reply #4 on: February 09, 2018, 06:27:04 AM »
Yeah quietly is the harder part for me too. That's how I got stuff out of him yesterday. I can blow things up pretty bad.
Me 52
H (whatever he is) 53
D for financial reasons March 2012
Started seeing massive change over the summer 2012
Left end of October 2012
Started coming home thanksgiving 2013
Home now. March 2014
Believe ow is gone
Probably going through this for years
OW discovered Oct.23,2013,old GF from before we met at the age of 16!
Left again Oct. 20 2015
Came back two weeks later
Still here 01/17 not done yet

Offline Thunder

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Re: Should I stay or should I go now.
« Reply #5 on: February 09, 2018, 06:44:25 AM »
But remember River, that last time you blew things out of the water, he left but came back remorseful.

I'm not saying you should yell at him but sometimes clearing the air is a good thing.
Don't fear it.
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Offline barbiedoll

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Re: Should I stay or should I go now.
« Reply #6 on: February 09, 2018, 12:47:00 PM »
Quote
Should I stay or should I go now.
.

And this is the never ending question , isn't it River ?. Should I stand or should I run? Should I re-build or is it too far gone and I am just avoiding divorce?  I have lived in these questions for nearly 4 years as impossible to believe as that is. And I know that you have to. It is that shattered trust thing, it is knowing what they are actually capable of doing , it is all those "what if's ", and what the hell is wrong with me anyway questions?  It truly is a huge helping of FEAR. I know that about myself now. I also know that some of this FEAR is self-served. Its what I am telling and serving myself .

My therapist and I have discussed this endlessly . I still have never put my rings on since sept 2013. Secretly I wore them around the house one day to see how they felt ... lol! . I am not ready ... but I am frustrated with my own "stuck" and truly, I really do not know why I cannot ...simply cannot ... put them on or commit. Makes me cry EVERY SINGLE TIME I talk about it or think about it . She now will do some EMDR and see "what come up" . That's scary.

She told me that when the "pain of staying is worse than the pain of leaving" ..I will have my answer. That I am not ready yet . Betrayal by a spouse and the shattering loss of trust almost takes the air out of your lungs and blood from your heart ... and there is a FEAR that encases us and protects us from that happening again. But I do truly believe that when we are fully able to trust ourselves, really truly know that we are going to be absolutely fabulous ...not matter what the hell happens , that's when the fear will leave us . I believe that and I work in that direction daily .

Your husband did a very stupid , immature and incredibly hurtfull thing . He truly did.

Quote
Sorry about the inappropriate message but maybe you can pass this on. I know she doesn't care about me but I have to say that even if I can't see ( creep) Julia on th anymore shell always be my dream girl. I'm sorry for being such a pretentious douche and I regret every day not being able to keep things in perspective,I've just never been in water so deep per se.Nothing personal on the unfriending everyone either just seemed like the proper thing to do. I won't bother you anymore.
.

This is simply crazee and inappropriate , as he seems to recognize. And if I have this correct...is about a waitress that would not give him the time of day?  Its creepy, like police creepy. Obviously he is still in "crisis " or simply fruit-loops crazy. I just don't know. "water so deep?" . what does that even mean ?

The way I see it is 2 choices ..

1. Detach/ severe completely and entirely. Live like a roommate with no emotional investment . Do your own thing, chalk it up to MLC and he just has not finished his trip. La la la ... off you go and get a life of your own and just leave him alone.

2. Blow it all up ... confront him. Demand an explanation ...I mean REALLY demand to know what his game is. Set some rock solid boundaries ( counselling , access to all his devices etc) . If he chooses not to abide by boundaries of respect and fidelity , then there is your answer. And YOU make the call about your life with that information. You can do that in a controlled monotone voice ( yes you can!) or scream your face off... your presentation is within your control. But to go to the couch in silent brewding anger is passive aggressive .. and pointless. Maybe you just needed that time to think it thru. But it is not option 3, 4 or 5 . HUGS to you ... and I wish it was all so very different.

I do not know any options 3,4 or 5.
Married April 1985
5 children
Bomb Drop April 2013
Thrown out of house August 2013
Affair discovered November 2013 (i guessed who)
Home December 3 2013
The Journey Of Reconciliation .. is for the brave .

Anger is like a candle in the wind ... it blows out the light of all reason.

Offline MCSINME

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Re: Should I stay or should I go now.
« Reply #7 on: February 09, 2018, 01:33:14 PM »
River:
Six years is so truly long to be unsure and emotionally tossed around.
I think option 1 AND option 2 are difficult, but probably the best options given your Hs immaturity and carelessness.
I'm sure difficult to process, but think about it and ruminate on what's going to make you feel stronger.

Get your strength and encouragement from wherever you can.
Come here to your friends at HS.  We're behind you.

MCS

Offline riverbirchTopic starter

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Re: Should I stay or should I go now.
« Reply #8 on: February 10, 2018, 02:21:23 PM »
I think the comment in water so deep means he's in love with her. He's a stupid man. Give me a f ing break. He doesn't even really know her. They didn't go out and as far as I know they were only together at that diner. Friends,but once again she's a young woman being friendly with an older man ,thinking it's all so innocent. Another dumb a$$. I wonder what his old work mates would think of him now. Oh good for you Johnny!  Or wtf? Most of the crew he worked with went to that diner including myself when we worked together. F ing deranged pervert.

I haven't slept good and I'm extremely grumpy. I got dressed and went out for a while. I had to get groceries and I didn't get him a damn thing. I usually buy him snacks for work. Screw him. He can be broke and hungry.

He's said nothing today. He did get my coffee ready to brew for when I got up. He still has no clue that I know his beloved secret. I wonder if the friend sent him a message back yet. I keep writing for the cops to show up. Maybe the woman will go to them. She was very creeper out when I told her he had pictures of her. Good! 
Me 52
H (whatever he is) 53
D for financial reasons March 2012
Started seeing massive change over the summer 2012
Left end of October 2012
Started coming home thanksgiving 2013
Home now. March 2014
Believe ow is gone
Probably going through this for years
OW discovered Oct.23,2013,old GF from before we met at the age of 16!
Left again Oct. 20 2015
Came back two weeks later
Still here 01/17 not done yet

Offline OffRoad

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Re: Should I stay or should I go now.
« Reply #9 on: February 10, 2018, 06:45:52 PM »
Option 3: tell your truth, set your boundaries or say where your boundaries have been crossed, and follow through on whatever your consequences to boundary crossing are.

While mine was an at home wallower, and I don't in any way mean to compare what I had to what you have, it's like apples and dandelions, I tolerated a lot because those things didn't matter to my well being. But after the first monster rush, he only tried once again because I called him on it. I was not going to allow myself to be yelled at. When he moved out and kept coming in and taking things, I told him I'd change the locks. I did.   Do you know what your consequences for him crossing any boundary is? And if he crosses it, implement that consequence?

He may be trying to get you to throw him out if he feels like he has a chance with this girl. Boundary: you go out with another woman (or one not approved as ok), you need to leave. Boundary: If you leave, you cannot come back **at all, for 6 months, for one year, whatever *

It's just an impression, because I have never been where you are, but it seems like you are still waiting for your H to figure it all out. That's fine, but don't you think you deserve to live a contented life, too?
« Last Edit: February 10, 2018, 06:47:44 PM by OffRoad »
When life gives you lemons, make SALSA!

Offline riverbirchTopic starter

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Re: Should I stay or should I go now.
« Reply #10 on: February 10, 2018, 07:08:17 PM »
He doesn't have a chance with her. She wants nothing to do with him. I thought the same thing. That he wants me to throw him out,that way he can say it's my fault. Boo hoo she's such a b*tc#.

Honestly I don't know WHAT I'm doing anymore.
Me 52
H (whatever he is) 53
D for financial reasons March 2012
Started seeing massive change over the summer 2012
Left end of October 2012
Started coming home thanksgiving 2013
Home now. March 2014
Believe ow is gone
Probably going through this for years
OW discovered Oct.23,2013,old GF from before we met at the age of 16!
Left again Oct. 20 2015
Came back two weeks later
Still here 01/17 not done yet

Offline bvFTD

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Re: Should I stay or should I go now.
« Reply #11 on: February 10, 2018, 07:09:02 PM »
Dear Riverbirch:

He says he thinks he wants to be there with you. Okay. But please tell him not until he sees a neurologist at a university hospital. You must accompany him to report his behavioral changes and the last several years of hell he's put you through.

Offline OffRoad

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Re: Should I stay or should I go now.
« Reply #12 on: February 10, 2018, 07:16:54 PM »
He doesn't have a chance with her. She wants nothing to do with him. I thought the same thing. That he wants me to throw him out,that way he can say it's my fault. Boo hoo she's such a b*tc#.

Honestly I don't know WHAT I'm doing anymore.
Do you want him to stay? Do you at least know that,  or no?
When life gives you lemons, make SALSA!

Offline barbiedoll

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Re: Should I stay or should I go now.
« Reply #13 on: February 10, 2018, 07:51:34 PM »
Wallah!  A very sold option #3!

Quote
Option 3: tell your truth, set your boundaries or say where your boundaries have been crossed, and follow through on whatever your consequences to boundary crossing are.
.

The rest of the post is very valid as a 3rd option and as mush as I hate the word BUT , I believe River is very very afraid to do this . River , I am not talking about you as if you are not there ...I know you are reading of course. I think you are deeply afraid to absolutely confront, put up solid boundaries and follow thru. Please wack me with the hugest 2x4 ever if I am totally nuts ... but honestly, its seems you are paralyzed ( literally paralysed) for 6 summers from doing this . I am NOT judging ...I am not. I just want to get the bottom , so we can figure out how to get up to the top.  Tell me I am wrong ... I will apologize and accept a massive scolding .

Married April 1985
5 children
Bomb Drop April 2013
Thrown out of house August 2013
Affair discovered November 2013 (i guessed who)
Home December 3 2013
The Journey Of Reconciliation .. is for the brave .

Anger is like a candle in the wind ... it blows out the light of all reason.

Offline riverbirchTopic starter

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Re: Should I stay or should I go now.
« Reply #14 on: February 11, 2018, 05:09:41 AM »
I don't know anymore. I see changes in him,then I find out stuff. I think of a life without him and it hurts. Why when they have put us through the wringer with this? Not jus us but our whole family. Our kids,parents,siblings,everyone around them. Most people have backed off out of their lives but us. The left behind spouse.

Yes I am paralyzed. I never use to be. I would have fits of rage before my own Mlc. I was not a nice person. Now it's like everything is stuck inside. There are days when I just want to scream but can't. Not everyday,but there are days when I'm doing really good and memories come up and it's so overwhelming. It's like this latest discovery. It sent me way back to the beginning and that my folks is ptsd. That's why I need to get into a Dr.

Until I get my ptsd and anxiety issues under control this is how I 'll be. This has effected my whole life. I can't go anywhere too far from home. I barely talk to anyone. It sucks. I'm embarrassed by the way I am. I let very little people in.  I also have lost compassion for these people going through Mlc. 

You think when they come home everything will be all better. They'll be all kissy and lovely and intimate. Wrong. Not only that but men have been programmed to be big,strong ,tough guys. They've blocked out emotion. Add a military man on top of that and it's worse. They're embarrassed to get help and won't. They'd rather be nuts and a$$holes to everyone in their life then get help. They're rather be alone and slither off instead of fixing things. This man has been running his whole life. Ever since I've known him,thanks to his family.
Me 52
H (whatever he is) 53
D for financial reasons March 2012
Started seeing massive change over the summer 2012
Left end of October 2012
Started coming home thanksgiving 2013
Home now. March 2014
Believe ow is gone
Probably going through this for years
OW discovered Oct.23,2013,old GF from before we met at the age of 16!
Left again Oct. 20 2015
Came back two weeks later
Still here 01/17 not done yet

Online Treasur

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Re: Should I stay or should I go now.
« Reply #15 on: February 11, 2018, 05:19:16 AM »
I don't know anymore. I see changes in him,then I find out stuff. I think of a life without him and it hurts.
But how things are doesn't sound great either?

Until I get my ptsd and anxiety issues under control this is how I 'll be. This has effected my whole life. I can't go anywhere too far from home. I barely talk to anyone. It sucks. I'm embarrassed by the way I am. I let very little people in. 
Please don't feel embarrassed...it surely sucks though..we know, most of us have been there at least for a time. I am mortified by how long I got stuck in a hellish limbo. Reading this, I'm wondering River if option 1 is best for you now and what your instincts are telling you is needed...step away from him, let it be, ignore it all and simply focus on rebuilding your strength for a couple of months?
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD)
No kids.
BD Oct 15. OW since Apr 16?
H filed Jan 17. Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.

Grateful for any appearance of the tiny karma bus  
"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline Kintsugi

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Re: Should I stay or should I go now.
« Reply #16 on: February 11, 2018, 05:46:42 AM »
I don't know anymore. I see changes in him,then I find out stuff. I think of a life without him and it hurts. Why when they have put us through the wringer with this? Not jus us but our whole family. Our kids,parents,siblings,everyone around them. Most people have backed off out of their lives but us. The left behind spouse.

Yes I am paralyzed. I never use to be. I would have fits of rage before my own Mlc. I was not a nice person. Now it's like everything is stuck inside. There are days when I just want to scream but can't. Not everyday,but there are days when I'm doing really good and memories come up and it's so overwhelming. It's like this latest discovery. It sent me way back to the beginning and that my folks is ptsd. That's why I need to get into a Dr.

Until I get my ptsd and anxiety issues under control this is how I 'll be. This has effected my whole life. I can't go anywhere too far from home. I barely talk to anyone. It sucks. I'm embarrassed by the way I am. I let very little people in.  I also have lost compassion for these people going through Mlc. 

You think when they come home everything will be all better. They'll be all kissy and lovely and intimate. Wrong. Not only that but men have been programmed to be big,strong ,tough guys. They've blocked out emotion. Add a military man on top of that and it's worse. They're embarrassed to get help and won't. They'd rather be nuts and a$$holes to everyone in their life then get help. They're rather be alone and slither off instead of fixing things. This man has been running his whole life. Ever since I've known him,thanks to his family.
I think since they are not in their right state of mind is how they can do this to us and our families.  When I think about the things my H did, I compare his actions to a 12 and a 17 year old boy and then his actions almost make sense.  Almost.
I can relate to the PTSD and anxiety.  PTSD is an interesting thing - whenever we are re-traumatized by events (such as H's MLC), it brings up a lot of the original trauma.  I know my PTSD was re-ignited by H's antics. 
I also have a military man who will not do counseling.  His old school beliefs are that it is for the weak and it doesn't work.  My H is someone who would really benefit from it too as he survived an awful childhood.
How long has your H been infatuated with this young girl?
I have to share that it was a wise move of yours to let her know about the FB stalking.  My H did this with a skank coworker.  I never thought of telling her but then she was an attention and drama queen who would have loved that negative attention anyway.
When the Japanese mend broken objects, they aggrandize the damage by filling the cracks with gold.  They believe that when something’s suffered damage and has a history it becomes more beautiful ~ Barbara Bloom

Offline xyzcf

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Re: Should I stay or should I go now.
« Reply #17 on: February 11, 2018, 06:31:28 AM »
Quote
Until I get my ptsd and anxiety issues under control this is how I 'll be. This has effected my whole life. I can't go anywhere too far from home. I barely talk to anyone. It sucks. I'm embarrassed by the way I am. I let very little people in.

We, like our spouses, also carry our own wounds. And they are not easy to "get over". I had a situation recently that made it very clear to me how I do not trust people. In this particular case, I have blown the situation way out of proportion, and I know that.

I was never one to feel the need to look back into the past to explore what has happened to me...I thought it didn't matter to this situation...we were "good" for 32 years but I had my own issues. Understanding some of the past has helped me a great deal to understand the present.

There are a few problems with this. Finding the right therapist and being able to afford therapy. Being willing and open to doing the work and even understanding and accepting oneself...changing our perspective of things.

We know that our spouses have their own demons to face. Your husband's family issues, being in the military..who knows what else to throw into the mix of what drove them to this point.

They are very broken River, they cannot fix themselves let alone fix their relationships.

Even though I know all these things intellectually, my heart still aches. Whether they live with us or not, our hearts still ache.
"Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see" Hebrews 11:1

"You enrich my life and are a source of joy and consolation to me. But if I lose you, I will not, I must not spend the rest of my life in unhappiness."

" The truth does not change according to our ability to stomach it". Flannery O'Connor

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Offline Thunder

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Re: Should I stay or should I go now.
« Reply #18 on: February 11, 2018, 06:46:37 AM »
River, it's too bad you couldn't just look him in the eye and say.."I'm sorry I'm not your "dream girl."

It would tell him exactly why you are upset, without saying anything more than that.
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Offline riverbirchTopic starter

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Re: Should I stay or should I go now.
« Reply #19 on: February 11, 2018, 04:10:30 PM »
He knows now. Basically started as him pi$$ing me off this morning and he said I kept making digs at him. How things aren't working and I told him maybe if I was Julia his dream girl things would be going better.

I was accused of hacking into his fb and called a liar. I didn't hack into,he left it open. So I said really your calling me a liar? I asked you the other day if you had done anything and you said no. I said what about the message sent to Julia? He says I haven't talked to any of them since 2015! Really now? Hmmmm.

He was mad,I felt better and he told me to leave him alone and I did. He stayed in our room for a few hours before venturing out. He was looking for tires for his truck online and I just chatted about that socially. Just basic talking. I asked him if maybe he wanted to go play pool later. Took my shower,got dressed and went to see our oldest d and gs. It felt good to get out.

I hung out with my d for a while and told her the deal. She's not happy with her dad. She says she loves him because he's her dad but she thinks he's like her ex and doesn't understand why I put up with him. I told her I didn't know anymore either. I took my gs out to get a haircut,pick him up some snacks and then a quick drive through lunch. We sat in the parking lot talking for a while. He had to get back to go with his dad.

I knew I wasn't going to play pool. I changed my mind. Didn't really think it was a good idea. Like rewarding a bad child. I came home he was in bed watching tv. I puttered around cleaning and got a call to go pick up the other gs from his grandad. He had gone to a wedding this morning with his mom and my s was at work. I happily went and we stopped to get his school lunch for tomorrow. I enjoyed it.

I came home and said nothing. I cleaned some more and made a quick dinner. It was very quiet dinner. Now it's time to get the gs ready for bed. Tomorrow I go back to work after having four days off.

Me 52
H (whatever he is) 53
D for financial reasons March 2012
Started seeing massive change over the summer 2012
Left end of October 2012
Started coming home thanksgiving 2013
Home now. March 2014
Believe ow is gone
Probably going through this for years
OW discovered Oct.23,2013,old GF from before we met at the age of 16!
Left again Oct. 20 2015
Came back two weeks later
Still here 01/17 not done yet

Offline Thunder

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Re: Should I stay or should I go now.
« Reply #20 on: February 11, 2018, 05:07:46 PM »
River, he now knows you know about the message sent to that girl.

Why on earth would you ask him to go play pool with you?
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Offline KeepItTogether

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Re: Should I stay or should I go now.
« Reply #21 on: February 11, 2018, 06:31:41 PM »
River I can’t imagine the pain of dealing with a live in Mlcer every day. And yours has been at it for a while. I’m glad you confronted him. I think you set an important boundary there bc he needs to know that you are not ok with that.

Please don’t be embarrassed by anything you are doing or who you are. Standing has got to be the most difficult thing to ever endure. Most don’t get that. But we all do.
Me 47
H 46
S12
BD 5/16
H Moved out 6/16
OW--yes. Worked for H. EA turned into PA while I was in chemo. On again/off again like every high school romance

Offline barbiedoll

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Re: Should I stay or should I go now.
« Reply #22 on: February 11, 2018, 07:02:06 PM »
I am confused . Yes, he knows now ( as you say) and of course made him angry etc etc . BUT ...where was the discussion about it? Is that all that happened...

Quote
How things aren't working and I told him maybe if I was Julia his dream girl things would be going better.

I was accused of hacking into his fb and called a liar. I didn't hack into,he left it open. So I said really your calling me a liar? I asked you the other day if you had done anything and you said no. I said what about the message sent to Julia? He says I haven't talked to any of them since 2015! Really now? Hmmmm.
.

And then its off to play pool?  I am not sure why you would ask him to go play pool.  Did you ask him why he was doing that ? Do be accountable and explain it ? Did you tell him how it made you feel?  Did you ask about possible therapy?   I am not sure what happened here. He knows, you know ...let's go play pool??  Why do you feel better River ?
Married April 1985
5 children
Bomb Drop April 2013
Thrown out of house August 2013
Affair discovered November 2013 (i guessed who)
Home December 3 2013
The Journey Of Reconciliation .. is for the brave .

Anger is like a candle in the wind ... it blows out the light of all reason.

Offline riverbirchTopic starter

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Re: Should I stay or should I go now.
« Reply #23 on: February 12, 2018, 02:21:02 AM »
I'm sorry. That's as far as I got. I know I'm stupid for doing it the way I did. I feel better for just letting that out in general. I don't handle things the way others do. I don't know why it goes only so far. I don't know anymore.
Me 52
H (whatever he is) 53
D for financial reasons March 2012
Started seeing massive change over the summer 2012
Left end of October 2012
Started coming home thanksgiving 2013
Home now. March 2014
Believe ow is gone
Probably going through this for years
OW discovered Oct.23,2013,old GF from before we met at the age of 16!
Left again Oct. 20 2015
Came back two weeks later
Still here 01/17 not done yet

Offline barbiedoll

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Re: Should I stay or should I go now.
« Reply #24 on: February 12, 2018, 04:18:36 AM »
There is nothing ...NOTHING that says "stupid" River. Nothing at all. You have just arrived at a place that requires change. And change is hard. I too would feel "better" if I figured out something he was doing, because I was not in the dark, I was not going to be blindsided or he was still "cooking". But that simply uncovers a problem...how do we get to a solution? How do we make sure we are heard?. If we fail to make change... then we have to live in the "same". This is where you seem to always get stuck ...and I do understand why. It just fills you with fear and anxiety and risk...it is risky to continue the conversation, stand firm and lay out some solid boundaries . Very scary for many. This is where a good counsellor can help you figure that out and takes steps to lower the risk and make "change". Are you afraid he will leave if you demand explanation and zero tolerance of this behavior? . It seems that you manage it with passive aggressive actions..."buy him nothing with groceries, sleep on the coach, dig at him, ignore him etc" ...but of course we know that will not get you where you want to go. Confidence , self esteem ...perhaps the problem sits inside of these things ?
Married April 1985
5 children
Bomb Drop April 2013
Thrown out of house August 2013
Affair discovered November 2013 (i guessed who)
Home December 3 2013
The Journey Of Reconciliation .. is for the brave .

Anger is like a candle in the wind ... it blows out the light of all reason.

Online Treasur

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Re: Should I stay or should I go now.
« Reply #25 on: February 12, 2018, 04:27:36 AM »
There is nothing ...NOTHING that says "stupid" River. Nothing at all. You have just arrived at a place that requires change. And change is hard.
But that simply uncovers a problem...how do we get to a solution? How do we make sure we are heard?. If we fail to make change... then we have to live in the "same". This is where you seem to always get stuck ...and I do understand why. It just fills you with fear and anxiety and risk...it is risky to continue the conversation, stand firm and lay out some solid boundaries . Very scary for many.

I agree with Barbie FWIW. No stupid, nothing to be ashamed of, you've just reached a scary stuck point where your gut is telling you that you need to do something different...and you're not sure what to do or how to do it. And it's scary and you're tired. Stuck is just that...not a failure...just a turning point. Please don't apologise for it (or we'd all have to apologise a million times too  :)) or feel that you have to do what anyone else thinks you should. We'll send you support and hugs no matter what xxx
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD)
No kids.
BD Oct 15. OW since Apr 16?
H filed Jan 17. Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.

Grateful for any appearance of the tiny karma bus  
"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline riverbirchTopic starter

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Re: Should I stay or should I go now.
« Reply #26 on: February 13, 2018, 07:12:18 PM »
It's been a quiet couple of days.This morning I made his coffee and sat next to him before leaving for work. He hugged me and looked like he wanted to cry or say something. I had to leave for work.

Tonight something was bothering him. He took his bath,I made dinner and ate while he was in there. You never know how long he 'll be in there. He got out sat at the table with his computer and ate. I sat in our room watching tv as usual. I went out to the kitchen and he looked crabby so I asked him what was wrong. He said he was tired.

 He came in after a little while sat on the bed and I told him he could change the channel. I was watching some murder show. He made some weird comment about people being killed. I was like ' WTF '  We just watched the First 48 last night with no comments.

So he was watching one of his news shows,changed the channel,picked up a magazine,changed the channel. Got kind of huffy. Grabbed his beer and went in the kitchen. I could tell he was irritated just by his breathing and the way he was turning the pages of his magazine. I just sat there waiting. I left him to himself. He came back after a few minutes and finally dozed off.
Me 52
H (whatever he is) 53
D for financial reasons March 2012
Started seeing massive change over the summer 2012
Left end of October 2012
Started coming home thanksgiving 2013
Home now. March 2014
Believe ow is gone
Probably going through this for years
OW discovered Oct.23,2013,old GF from before we met at the age of 16!
Left again Oct. 20 2015
Came back two weeks later
Still here 01/17 not done yet

Offline OffRoad

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Re: Should I stay or should I go now.
« Reply #27 on: February 13, 2018, 07:24:42 PM »
Good job keeping detached. You can only invite him to share and since he didn't want to, nothing more you could do. It's not about you, but it's so tough when you're still within his grumpy zone. It always feels personal even when it's not.
When life gives you lemons, make SALSA!

Offline riverbirchTopic starter

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Re: Should I stay or should I go now.
« Reply #28 on: February 14, 2018, 06:21:20 PM »
Glad the day is over. I'm sick of all the Valentine's day ads everywhere. I'm pretty sure he's sick of them too. Nope nothing for me. I got something for my two gs and a box of chocolates for him. I didn't give them to him. They're stuffed under the bed. I'm still not in a very good mood.

He's been coming to bed early the past few nights. He made dinner the past two nights. Been quiet.
Me 52
H (whatever he is) 53
D for financial reasons March 2012
Started seeing massive change over the summer 2012
Left end of October 2012
Started coming home thanksgiving 2013
Home now. March 2014
Believe ow is gone
Probably going through this for years
OW discovered Oct.23,2013,old GF from before we met at the age of 16!
Left again Oct. 20 2015
Came back two weeks later
Still here 01/17 not done yet

Offline riverbirchTopic starter

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Re: Should I stay or should I go now.
« Reply #29 on: February 15, 2018, 05:06:57 PM »
I've had a very rough day emotionally. I woke up ok but then the bad mood just took over. Fb is a big issue,messaging ,texting everything is and after my latest treasure I don't know how much of him I can stand. I'm just sick of Mlc,the crap that has happened in the past and angry at him for being an idiot. I usually leave his coffee already to start in the morning but couldn't even bring myself to do that.

I forced myself to go to work so I wouldn't be sitting here wallowing in my mood.Just an overall crappy day. Thank god I've got people to be around at work,most days. I stopped at the store on my way home and he was in the tub when I got home. I made us dinner and while I was getting dinner he was sitting at the table talking about his new job. His phone was flipped up and then he flipped it over. Done,done,done.

I ate and now I'm in my room trying to figure out if I even want to be with him anymore.
Me 52
H (whatever he is) 53
D for financial reasons March 2012
Started seeing massive change over the summer 2012
Left end of October 2012
Started coming home thanksgiving 2013
Home now. March 2014
Believe ow is gone
Probably going through this for years
OW discovered Oct.23,2013,old GF from before we met at the age of 16!
Left again Oct. 20 2015
Came back two weeks later
Still here 01/17 not done yet

Offline barbiedoll

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Re: Should I stay or should I go now.
« Reply #30 on: February 15, 2018, 06:05:18 PM »
All the "triggers" River , and we have a huge list of them. They are so difficult to manage , day after day after day . It would depress anyone...it certainly has me. I do not know how you manage them especially when you are not able to say them out loud. My husband knows most of my triggers .. for the 1st couple of years there was no ability whatsoever to hide my reactions , and I did not want to. Now I can ( mostly) manage them much better. You seem to live with them in silence and that adds to the trouble. I do not know any other way but to suggest you tell him when you are triggered ... texting, facebook etc. I know in the past you have not been able to do this . Have you figured out why you cannot? They will keep happening if he is not aware that you are reacting to some of the things he does . Its a special kind of hell River. I know.
Married April 1985
5 children
Bomb Drop April 2013
Thrown out of house August 2013
Affair discovered November 2013 (i guessed who)
Home December 3 2013
The Journey Of Reconciliation .. is for the brave .

Anger is like a candle in the wind ... it blows out the light of all reason.

Offline riverbirchTopic starter

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Re: Should I stay or should I go now.
« Reply #31 on: February 16, 2018, 04:47:53 PM »
Yes triggers suck. He knows I get triggered by his phone. He's finally learned to keep it off. He hates his phone anyway but sometimes he would leave it on and get notifications from his news stations and it would drive me nuts. I suck at sleeping anyway and everything wakes me up. He doesn't leave it on anymore. Hell I hate all phone noises even on tv.
Me 52
H (whatever he is) 53
D for financial reasons March 2012
Started seeing massive change over the summer 2012
Left end of October 2012
Started coming home thanksgiving 2013
Home now. March 2014
Believe ow is gone
Probably going through this for years
OW discovered Oct.23,2013,old GF from before we met at the age of 16!
Left again Oct. 20 2015
Came back two weeks later
Still here 01/17 not done yet

Offline riverbirchTopic starter

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Re: Should I stay or should I go now.
« Reply #32 on: February 18, 2018, 07:58:00 PM »
We had a pretty good weekend considering the past issue. We went to lunch and I paid. He's broke and I know that makes him feel bad. I went out after and did some grocery shopping and made dinner. It was going ok.

We came in the room early and were watching a zombie movie. A part came up with a guy and two naked women zombies. I made a comment about dream girls. Oops! I tried to smooth it over pretending I didn't say it. I honestly wasn't saying it as a dig but he heard it. That soured the mood real fast. He turned over and avoided me the crest of the night.

I dint mean to but it came out. So we 'll see what tomorrow brings.
Me 52
H (whatever he is) 53
D for financial reasons March 2012
Started seeing massive change over the summer 2012
Left end of October 2012
Started coming home thanksgiving 2013
Home now. March 2014
Believe ow is gone
Probably going through this for years
OW discovered Oct.23,2013,old GF from before we met at the age of 16!
Left again Oct. 20 2015
Came back two weeks later
Still here 01/17 not done yet

Offline Thunder

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Re: Should I stay or should I go now.
« Reply #33 on: February 18, 2018, 11:30:21 PM »
Oh you're bad, river.   ;D
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Offline riverbirchTopic starter

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Re: Should I stay or should I go now.
« Reply #34 on: February 19, 2018, 01:51:19 AM »
I know that spelling is bad in that last post. Holy. Hey I didn't mean to say Dream Girls to hurt him.  ::)   He 'll probably still be mad this morning. Oh well.
Me 52
H (whatever he is) 53
D for financial reasons March 2012
Started seeing massive change over the summer 2012
Left end of October 2012
Started coming home thanksgiving 2013
Home now. March 2014
Believe ow is gone
Probably going through this for years
OW discovered Oct.23,2013,old GF from before we met at the age of 16!
Left again Oct. 20 2015
Came back two weeks later
Still here 01/17 not done yet

Online Whyus

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Re: Should I stay or should I go now.
« Reply #35 on: February 19, 2018, 05:00:38 AM »
river dont worry about him being mad. let him, ist his own fault!!!!
I dont know how you have put up with this for so Long and there is still no finish line around the Corner....
I hope that you get to sort it out, flipping his phone was disrespectful... it suggests that he has something to hide, I hope that he doesnt.
To the question "should I stay or should I go now?" Only you can answer that but I would have been Long gone. We only get one shot at life and we all deserve to be happy...
Married - 19,5 Years pre BD
Together - 21,5 Years
Me: 45
W: 45 (Acts 25)
BD 1: 10.01.2017
BD 2: 24.02.2017 OM 28 (now 30) Trainings partner. W is trying to get People to accept them.
2 Sons - 19 & 20
1 Dogs and a cat.
Own home . Sold!
Divorce Date 21.08.2018
T1  http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8671.0

Offline KeepItTogether

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Re: Should I stay or should I go now.
« Reply #36 on: February 20, 2018, 01:04:07 PM »
Haha—I think that is funny River! Sometimes these things slip out. Happens to me all the time! It is hard to keep those lips constantly zipped!

Anyway, you should feel comfortable to say whatever you want right? So don’t sweat it. Glad you can spend time together peacefully but honestly you are doing the shopping , making the dinner, earning the cash....and he behaves like a petulant child when you make a comment that simply refers to HIS misdeed—one of many. No, do not feel bad River. Not everything needs to be swept under the rug.

Me 47
H 46
S12
BD 5/16
H Moved out 6/16
OW--yes. Worked for H. EA turned into PA while I was in chemo. On again/off again like every high school romance

Offline riverbirchTopic starter

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Re: Should I stay or should I go now.
« Reply #37 on: February 20, 2018, 05:37:30 PM »
I don't feel bad for my slip. Not one bit.

He has cooked and done the shopping. Right now the job he has is very slow and he's not having much luck finding a good,real job. Stuff happens I think for a reason. He should be thankful I can do what I've been doing. He's a proud man though and we all know how that goes. Oh well.

My dad went through the job situation too when he was in his 50s. The place he worked moved out of state. He could relocate to New York and drag us all with him but he didn't want to. He was also an alcoholic and ended up in rehab. He checked himself in one day while my mother was at work. She got a call he was in the hospital. He had turned mean before that. He's been sober ever since. That was over 30 years ago.

Today I had a sad day. I don't know what happened but I just felt sad and I was at work. Just a funk I guess. I hate days like that. I couldn't stand being around the women I eat lunch with. I came home to dinner being made.
Me 52
H (whatever he is) 53
D for financial reasons March 2012
Started seeing massive change over the summer 2012
Left end of October 2012
Started coming home thanksgiving 2013
Home now. March 2014
Believe ow is gone
Probably going through this for years
OW discovered Oct.23,2013,old GF from before we met at the age of 16!
Left again Oct. 20 2015
Came back two weeks later
Still here 01/17 not done yet

Offline riverbirchTopic starter

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Re: Should I stay or should I go now.
« Reply #38 on: March 02, 2018, 02:28:15 AM »
Been having a rough time lately. I don't know why it's worse now. Anxiety and some depression. I know something is off kilter. Today I'm calling EAP at work. I have drs. appt. In May but my mind can't wait til then. I thought I could but then something has gone out of whack. Prayers please to help me get through.
Me 52
H (whatever he is) 53
D for financial reasons March 2012
Started seeing massive change over the summer 2012
Left end of October 2012
Started coming home thanksgiving 2013
Home now. March 2014
Believe ow is gone
Probably going through this for years
OW discovered Oct.23,2013,old GF from before we met at the age of 16!
Left again Oct. 20 2015
Came back two weeks later
Still here 01/17 not done yet

Offline serenity

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Re: Should I stay or should I go now.
« Reply #39 on: March 02, 2018, 04:06:49 AM »
Hope you find something to help you River...

Have you tried any herbal supplements? There are so many on the market. It could be a hormonal thing on top of stress!?! I take a herbal menopause tablet and lots of magnesium

X

Offline Milly

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Re: Should I stay or should I go now.
« Reply #40 on: March 03, 2018, 04:12:38 PM »
River, I'm so sorry you're in a bad place right now. You did right to come here to us for help. I do believe that when our emotions are in a really bad place like yours right now, it will not last. There will be a curve and very soon, tomorrow, the day after, next week, you will feel a tiny bit better and you will get out of this cycle.

Just take it one hour at a time, one day at a time. A tranquilizer, whether from your doctor, or a natural one could help calm those feelings of losing control. A camomile tea is  both calming for the camomile and for the hot drink, plus it won't do you any harm at all. Physical exercise, even an intensive walk can help calm you just because you'll be exhausted afterwards.

It's only normal that you can feel derailed. You might be having some post traumatic stress. You can get through it to the other side. It will be alright River. xxxx
Married 1989, together since 1984 
BD May 2014,
D24, D21, S14
OW Physical Affair. He and she said she turned 34 the month of BD. She turned 50 last year.

Offline barbiedoll

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Re: Should I stay or should I go now.
« Reply #41 on: March 03, 2018, 05:12:25 PM »
I do agree with Milly that PTSD in some degree or another is at play here ... and in most of us . It is very very difficult to explain how hard it is to heal while living with the "trigger". It can be excruciating , horribly exhausting and a whole new set of challenges. Yes, then throw in some menopause stuff and its a wonder we ever get out of bed some days. I am very happy to hear that you are looking for counselling support asap River. The sooner the better .. a very giant step forward for YOU. !
Married April 1985
5 children
Bomb Drop April 2013
Thrown out of house August 2013
Affair discovered November 2013 (i guessed who)
Home December 3 2013
The Journey Of Reconciliation .. is for the brave .

Anger is like a candle in the wind ... it blows out the light of all reason.

Offline MCSINME

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Re: Should I stay or should I go now.
« Reply #42 on: March 03, 2018, 06:29:37 PM »
River:
I'm sorry that you're having a tough time.  Try some meditation or relaxation breathing.  It will pass; it just takes time.
Come to our retreat in 3 weeks!!
We can drive together!

Hugs and prayers to you.
MCS

Offline riverbirchTopic starter

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Re: Should I stay or should I go now.
« Reply #43 on: March 04, 2018, 06:29:44 AM »
Should I stay or should I go. Sounds like the fright or flight responses I get from my anxiety,which I'm having right now. I seriously have to tell myself I'm not crazy when going through this. I feel crazy.

What set it off today. 

This morning our neighbors paper delivery person woke me up at 430,by stomping up the stairs. Then they slam the door. I was in a light sleep the rest of the morn and so wasn't the h. I'm also afraid of snoring and keeping him up. He mentioned my snoring last night before he dozed off and guess who was snoring. You got it ! 

I was woken by the tv on lightly and then hearing him on his computer. I was grumpy from lack of sleep. I woke up.Then I heard something else upstairs. Our neighbors like to vacuum early on Sundays or flush the toilet a dozen times at once. Irritated. I got up came back and sat on the bed and did something,who knows what,breathed wrong,who knows. He gets mad ,slams his head against the headboard which hurts me and I end up swearing and going to the living room to get away from him. I can't rest out there either because the gs is already up and on the stupid game console. So I go in the bathroom,come out and h has taken his computer and gone.

A$$hole. So I'm ok for a while then the anxiety kicks in. I sent him a text saying thanks for the support wtf? Anxiety.

I'm sitting here trying to tell myself it will he ok. I'm thinking of places I can go on this cold day just to get out. Usually Sundays are laying around and not doing much. Not today. I need out.

I did call that newspaper too. I told them the situation and they'll speak to the delivery person. It's not the first time I've been woken up by these idiots.
Me 52
H (whatever he is) 53
D for financial reasons March 2012
Started seeing massive change over the summer 2012
Left end of October 2012
Started coming home thanksgiving 2013
Home now. March 2014
Believe ow is gone
Probably going through this for years
OW discovered Oct.23,2013,old GF from before we met at the age of 16!
Left again Oct. 20 2015
Came back two weeks later
Still here 01/17 not done yet

Offline OffRoad

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Re: Should I stay or should I go now.
« Reply #44 on: March 04, 2018, 12:19:47 PM »
What is causing your anxiety, do you know? I have to ask, are you SURE it was something you did that made him hit his head against the headboard, and not something he read on the computer? Could you have just been hyper sensitive because he made the comment about snoring and / or were cranky due to lack of sleep?

If you snore, you snore. Most people don't make a federal case about it. They'll lightly jostle you to get you in a position where you don't snore, or go sleep in another room, or use ear plugs or headphones. It's  not like people consciously snore to annoy others.  Sounds like you are walking on eggshells, and that's no place to be. It just generates anger.

As a suggestion for places to go, I sometimes take a book and go have some tea or a light snack and hang out in a coffee shop or restaurant. It really is a shame libraries aren't open on Sundays.
When life gives you lemons, make SALSA!

Offline riverbirchTopic starter

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Re: Should I stay or should I go now.
« Reply #45 on: March 04, 2018, 02:11:44 PM »
I know I get them more when tired. I went out to the store and walked around. When I came back he was here. He seemed fine.

Neither of us slept good last night. Hopefully that delivery person got the message. I did some cleaning and was able to get a nap in.
Me 52
H (whatever he is) 53
D for financial reasons March 2012
Started seeing massive change over the summer 2012
Left end of October 2012
Started coming home thanksgiving 2013
Home now. March 2014
Believe ow is gone
Probably going through this for years
OW discovered Oct.23,2013,old GF from before we met at the age of 16!
Left again Oct. 20 2015
Came back two weeks later
Still here 01/17 not done yet

Offline Milly

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Re: Should I stay or should I go now.
« Reply #46 on: March 04, 2018, 02:55:50 PM »
I'm sorry River. Definitely when we're tired we're more anxious and short tempered. Maybe you both just need to get some good rest. Good you got out and got some air. Hopefully, tonight you'll be exhausted for last night.
Sleep well, I hope.
Married 1989, together since 1984 
BD May 2014,
D24, D21, S14
OW Physical Affair. He and she said she turned 34 the month of BD. She turned 50 last year.

Offline MCSINME

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Re: Should I stay or should I go now.
« Reply #47 on: March 04, 2018, 03:02:39 PM »
River:
Sorry about the bad morning.
Sleep better tonight.
He returned after a short while; that's good.
Do you think the anxiety is triggered by the uncertainty of monstering? 
It's likely from some uncertainty, if you can pin it down.

Hugs, MCS

Offline riverbirchTopic starter

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Re: Should I stay or should I go now.
« Reply #48 on: March 05, 2018, 01:52:20 AM »
His leaving is a trigger. When he left in 2012, he went to work and never came home. That's the beginning. Even though I know ill be ok if he does leave,it still sets me off. I usually have to leave my house,get in the car and drive to somewhere. One day they'll find me in another state! Sometimes I pack an overnight back. Just in case I get the urge to not go home.

I've tried sitting and having tea,cleaning the house,whatever,I still have to leave. I can't get myself still enough to meditate. Not even on a normal day.

Well I wasn't woken up by the paper delivery person. That's a blessing. I still have trouble getting to sleep some nights with the squirrels in my head. I take half a benadryl. Work today. At least most days I'm around people and I can forget this place. I think I'm sabotaging my life with my issues.
Me 52
H (whatever he is) 53
D for financial reasons March 2012
Started seeing massive change over the summer 2012
Left end of October 2012
Started coming home thanksgiving 2013
Home now. March 2014
Believe ow is gone
Probably going through this for years
OW discovered Oct.23,2013,old GF from before we met at the age of 16!
Left again Oct. 20 2015
Came back two weeks later
Still here 01/17 not done yet

Offline MCSINME

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Re: Should I stay or should I go now.
« Reply #49 on: March 05, 2018, 07:38:44 AM »
Birch:
Other than him leaving for a period of time (maybe to clear HIS head), what MLC signs is he still showing?  He's at home, sounds like he's sleeping there as opposed to ow house.  Can you show us his current MLC actions? 
Maybe I've forgotten, and you've already told that, but appease me and give a summary...

Love,  MCS

PS  I REALLY think you should consider the NE retreat in 2 weeks as you'll be with people and be nurtured FOR YOU.  I can meet you halfway between your house and drive the rest of the way?

Offline barbiedoll

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Re: Should I stay or should I go now.
« Reply #50 on: March 05, 2018, 05:40:55 PM »
Hi River.. yep, some days simply suck and nothing seems to turn them around. As we have talked about before, I too get extreme ( and boy, do I mean extreme !) need to leave or flee . Never knew that impulse or feeling even existed in humans , but the need to escape is profound. It is like an insane panic internally that this is not "safe" to stay ..some caveman ( or cavelady) reptilian brain fight or flight. Once it kicks in, its damn hard to pull yourself back into "thinking brain". I have not experienced that in maybe a year ...but I remember it very well indeed. It diminishes over time...I know that is not helpful at the moment. Some things that helped me was soaking in the tub and watching a movie ( or something ) on my IPad, talking to someone on the phone ( I have a PTSD support person) or actually colouring in those adult colouring books was extremely calming . Takes a while to calm down , and somedays you just cannot. There is a trigger in there somewhere . Better days ahead....
Married April 1985
5 children
Bomb Drop April 2013
Thrown out of house August 2013
Affair discovered November 2013 (i guessed who)
Home December 3 2013
The Journey Of Reconciliation .. is for the brave .

Anger is like a candle in the wind ... it blows out the light of all reason.

Offline riverbirchTopic starter

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Re: Should I stay or should I go now.
« Reply #51 on: March 06, 2018, 02:34:03 AM »
Everything is helpful Barbie. When he was gone the first time I used to have to leave over anxiety. Of course it started out as looking to see where he was but eventually I was able to just drive somewhere else.

Ptsd support person? I hope I get one of those. Regular people just don't understand this at all. Ugh. I'm ok today.

He was down yesterday. I was up and lively. So he went to bed early and I stayed up cleaning,eventually going to bed to relax. He seems sad. I let him be in it and offer comfort. Off to work for me before another giant snowstorm.
Me 52
H (whatever he is) 53
D for financial reasons March 2012
Started seeing massive change over the summer 2012
Left end of October 2012
Started coming home thanksgiving 2013
Home now. March 2014
Believe ow is gone
Probably going through this for years
OW discovered Oct.23,2013,old GF from before we met at the age of 16!
Left again Oct. 20 2015
Came back two weeks later
Still here 01/17 not done yet

Offline riverbirchTopic starter

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Re: Should I stay or should I go now.
« Reply #52 on: March 11, 2018, 07:17:34 PM »
I called EAP Friday to set up an appointment. I have to call them back to set it up. There have been some crazy days for me. If I don't get my issues under control it's just going to get worse.

Friday night was one of those. My h had mentioned he would have to go to a meeting for his new job. I don't think he told me a day though. They having meetings after regular work hours because it's town meeting,which happen after work hours.  Most towns do them this way. I got home Friday after work and he wasn't home. Now he's usually home lately when I get home. During this time I also got a text from my son's roommate asking me if I knew this this certain persons name. Which I told him.

The person he was asking about is a guy my h worked with at his city job,that he lost before we moved. He was a friend of my h too and I know he's talked to him recently on fb. The friend is divorced and his ex wife is going out with room mates older brother. Small world. The ex wife posted a comment on fb about her ex. He passed away.

I asked my sister if it was true and she confirmed it was. My sister's both hung out with the family when we were younger and one sister was friends with him on fb too. So back to Friday night. I waited for h to come home. It was getting later and later. I saw that he had bought some new shoes and pants. So I'm trying to tell myself he's in the town at a meeting but my brain kept doing its tricks. I tried texting he gets absolutely no service when he's there. That's no help. I finally can't take it and go to my d. I stay a few hours ,meanwhile going out of my mind. I text my s,still not home. Finally I come home he's here in the tub. I say nothing. I took a benadryl and go to bed. Now this is why I'm getting help. My brain can't function right even when I know it's wrong.

I have not mentioned anything about the friend dying. I know this is going to bother him. Normally it would,now let's imagine what this does to Mr.Mlc. I'm pretty sure he knows via fb. He's been really off and I keep catching him doing weird things. Yesterday he stayed in bed most of the day. He didn't drink. I made dinner and took it in to him.

We did manage to go to lunch today. The rest of the day we spent watching tv in our room. He's quiet and distant. This is the fifth person I know of that's passed away from his old job. There were two last year. One from cancer,the other from drugs. He wasnt super close with these people but death effects the Mlc people in a whole different way than a normal person.

I just pray things don't get worse than what they are. I guess ill have to figure out how to tell him I know about the death
Me 52
H (whatever he is) 53
D for financial reasons March 2012
Started seeing massive change over the summer 2012
Left end of October 2012
Started coming home thanksgiving 2013
Home now. March 2014
Believe ow is gone
Probably going through this for years
OW discovered Oct.23,2013,old GF from before we met at the age of 16!
Left again Oct. 20 2015
Came back two weeks later
Still here 01/17 not done yet

Offline riverbirchTopic starter

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Re: Should I stay or should I go now.
« Reply #53 on: March 12, 2018, 06:28:14 PM »
My appointment is set to get the ball rolling with a therapist I guess. I hope I can find someone who can help me with my crazy brain. We will see on Friday.

My h is grieving. He did not tell me about his friend as of today. I came home to him in the tub and just about drunk. He looked awful. He had to make a work call and I sat in the living room. He asked about dinner and I could tell just by his words that he was going to be an a$$. I'm not putting up with that $hit.

He wanted to get dinner,go to the pool hall,make something from the fridge. He couldn't figure anything out and this was all being done with an attitude. I asked him so you really want to play pool? No not really! So I made pizza. There was no way I was taking his angry,mostly drunk butt anywhere. I made our pizza and went next to him. He laid his head against me. I sat next to him and just told him my sister told me about his friend dying. I gave him some space and did some stuff. He went off to the room with his dinner and I went to visit my d for a while. I had to get out and breath.

Now we will see what comes next. Tomorrow we are getting whamed with a blizzard. It may be rough.
Me 52
H (whatever he is) 53
D for financial reasons March 2012
Started seeing massive change over the summer 2012
Left end of October 2012
Started coming home thanksgiving 2013
Home now. March 2014
Believe ow is gone
Probably going through this for years
OW discovered Oct.23,2013,old GF from before we met at the age of 16!
Left again Oct. 20 2015
Came back two weeks later
Still here 01/17 not done yet

Offline riverbirchTopic starter

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Re: Should I stay or should I go now.
« Reply #54 on: March 16, 2018, 06:51:23 PM »
Today I am 52! Oh no no the world is ending! Just kidding. Birthdays are just another day to me. It was my first day of counseling. Next one is the real one. Today I learned I'm actually not crazy  I need to refill my tank so I can move forward in my life. I am going through EAP at work. H doesn't know yet and I don't know if ill tell him. I have to wait for meds from my Dr.

I got home early today from work. H was home a carrot cake was made and their was a vase of yellow tulips on the table. It was a good afternoon for a while. Then he was messing with his phone with his ear buds in. I had been sitting in the living room and he was in the kitchen. It hit me wrong!

We had just made plans to go play pool with my d and gs later. He was in the bathroom forever it seemed. I made some tea and sat back in the living room trying to control my oncoming attack. He was all happy and finally asked what was wrong. I said nothing. He went off to the kitchen to clean some.

Eventually he ended up coming out to sit with me on the couch and put his arm around me. I just sat there for a while with my head on him. It just ruined my mood for the day. It drains everything from me.

We did end up taking my d and both gs out to play pool. It was pretty good. So it turned out ok. This is why I've started the counseling. I don't know if he was doing anything or not but I can't live like this anymore. I need to let this stuff go and move on in life how ever that will be.

The counselor was just amazed at what I've told her so far and that's the basics. She asked if I still loved him. I said I do.
Me 52
H (whatever he is) 53
D for financial reasons March 2012
Started seeing massive change over the summer 2012
Left end of October 2012
Started coming home thanksgiving 2013
Home now. March 2014
Believe ow is gone
Probably going through this for years
OW discovered Oct.23,2013,old GF from before we met at the age of 16!
Left again Oct. 20 2015
Came back two weeks later
Still here 01/17 not done yet

Offline barbiedoll

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Re: Should I stay or should I go now.
« Reply #55 on: March 16, 2018, 07:39:32 PM »
Quote
It was my first day of counseling. Next one is the real one. Today I learned I'm actually not crazy  I need to refill my tank so I can move forward in my life. I am going through EAP at work. H doesn't know yet and I don't know if ill tell him. I have to wait for meds from my Dr.
.

I am sooo firetruckin happy to read this ! This is just awesome River ... that was really hard for you, but you did it!  And so far she has done a spot on job... You are NOT crazy! . I am very excited to hear all about this as you go along !.

Quote
It hit me wrong

Sometimes when something "hits me wrong" I can physically feel like I am being electrocuted internally with adrenaline. It is that fast... less then a second. Sucks my soul away. This is ptsd reactions.

Quote
This is why I've started the counseling. I don't know if he was doing anything or not but I can't live like this anymore. I need to let this stuff go and move on in life how ever that will be

YES.
Married April 1985
5 children
Bomb Drop April 2013
Thrown out of house August 2013
Affair discovered November 2013 (i guessed who)
Home December 3 2013
The Journey Of Reconciliation .. is for the brave .

Anger is like a candle in the wind ... it blows out the light of all reason.

Offline Thunder

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Re: Should I stay or should I go now.
« Reply #56 on: March 17, 2018, 02:12:48 AM »
Happy birthday, River!   :)
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Offline xyzcf

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Re: Should I stay or should I go now.
« Reply #57 on: March 17, 2018, 06:51:42 AM »
Happy birthday River.

I am so happy that you are staring therapy! I went back to therapy last August. I find that it is tough work and as everything else, it takes time. I noticed that I would feel really "good" after a session...things would make sense and then I would slip back again and again but that is happening less than it did before.

The "work" really happens internally, my therapist directs it but it comes from deep inside...and is quite surprising at times. Mr xyzcf is no longer in contact with me which helps me to find myself again without the "anxiety" that contact still provokes in me.

One question I was asked right at the onset was who is xyzcf and I could not answer that. The fragments are starting to be glued together once more. I am grateful for that.

I will say that one thing that is extremely helpful is regular exercise. I walk every day and I go to the gym 6 days a week. LOL, and no, I am not all buffed and muscled.....but I really know the difference when I miss a few days.

Since you have not started on meds, and your doctor's appointment seems far away....I would really suggest that you try and walk outdoors as often as possible. Research has shown it's benefits for depression and I am a firm believer. Even 20 minutes consistently can be helpful.

We have gone through so much "stress" that I am concerned about what it has done to us physically. Hopefully exercise will counteract some of those damages.

I am glad that you had some good moments with him on your birthday. As you know from others who have reconnected, reconnection isn't easy either especially when they are still in crisis.

Find your life, find some peace, find some joy. I know you like "gardening" and it is spring...watch for the surprises of bulbs pushing through the ground and the trees budding, of robins and longer days....reach for the things that bring you moments of pleasure....and draw on those moments when things get rough.
"Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see" Hebrews 11:1

"You enrich my life and are a source of joy and consolation to me. But if I lose you, I will not, I must not spend the rest of my life in unhappiness."

" The truth does not change according to our ability to stomach it". Flannery O'Connor

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Offline Slow Fade

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Re: Should I stay or should I go now.
« Reply #58 on: March 19, 2018, 10:39:54 AM »
Quote
Then he was messing with his phone with his ear buds in. I had been sitting in the living room and he was in the kitchen. It hit me wrong!
I had one of those this weekend as well. S15 had a project to do for school so we dropped by the craft store after church. H elected to stay in the truck while we went in. That was a big trigger as he used to do that so he could talk to ow...... >:( :-\

I didn't say anything. I can't beat him up for the rest of his life, but the triggers do suck. I have considered counseling as well.........
Married 18
BD April 2012
Left home Nov 2012
Home May 2016

Offline riverbirchTopic starter

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Re: Should I stay or should I go now.
« Reply #59 on: March 25, 2018, 05:42:59 PM »
I'm irritated. Very irritated. I was sick Friday when I got up. We had an argument the night before. All week he's been staring at that damn computer til 9 or sometimes later. When he's home that's all he does. He's either working,playing his game,watching stupid YouTube or commenting on his stupid political bull$ hit. This has been going on all week. I can't take this much longer.

I don't know what is going on but I'm getting real sick of everything. Tomorrow I'm going to that therapist at work. I feel like I'm going to burst. I need a real man.
Me 52
H (whatever he is) 53
D for financial reasons March 2012
Started seeing massive change over the summer 2012
Left end of October 2012
Started coming home thanksgiving 2013
Home now. March 2014
Believe ow is gone
Probably going through this for years
OW discovered Oct.23,2013,old GF from before we met at the age of 16!
Left again Oct. 20 2015
Came back two weeks later
Still here 01/17 not done yet

Offline barbiedoll

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Re: Should I stay or should I go now.
« Reply #60 on: March 25, 2018, 07:10:39 PM »
That sucks !!   Sounds like he is hitting a trigger of rejection or abandonment. Feels like you are ignored and invisible? Feels like why bother even being there ?

Good luck with therapist ! Will be waiting for an update ..
Married April 1985
5 children
Bomb Drop April 2013
Thrown out of house August 2013
Affair discovered November 2013 (i guessed who)
Home December 3 2013
The Journey Of Reconciliation .. is for the brave .

Anger is like a candle in the wind ... it blows out the light of all reason.

Offline riverbirchTopic starter

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Re: Should I stay or should I go now.
« Reply #61 on: March 25, 2018, 07:35:09 PM »
I think you are on to something. When I try to nudge him nicely he gets angry at me or annoyed. This whole addiction to technology everyone has,drives me nuts. There's so much more to life than a computer or cell phone. My youngest s ,two gs and him are all on the crap constantly.

He used to lose himself in a dumb computer game for hours pre bd. It drove me nuts then. It's such a stupid waste of time. Avoidance of life. Yes I feel tossed aside for stupid useless crap. People matter not things. Real live people.

Maybe it's just me.
Me 52
H (whatever he is) 53
D for financial reasons March 2012
Started seeing massive change over the summer 2012
Left end of October 2012
Started coming home thanksgiving 2013
Home now. March 2014
Believe ow is gone
Probably going through this for years
OW discovered Oct.23,2013,old GF from before we met at the age of 16!
Left again Oct. 20 2015
Came back two weeks later
Still here 01/17 not done yet

Offline barbiedoll

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Re: Should I stay or should I go now.
« Reply #62 on: March 25, 2018, 08:15:13 PM »
No, its not just you at all. No one could possibly disagree about the take-over of technology and the absence of people interacting face to face. Huge problems coming in my opinion. I make my grandkids put their phones in a basket by the door when they come in...otherwise, what's the point of visiting?

I think you are in the same cycle as I am ...which is hell. All about attachment theory . I am what they call "anxious pursuer " and he is " fearfull avoidant". And that is a huge clash and causes lots of issues . It sounds very similar to what you describe . Your therapist make talk with you about it. It is a very difficult cycle to break and very painfull in a relationship. We are working on changing that .
Married April 1985
5 children
Bomb Drop April 2013
Thrown out of house August 2013
Affair discovered November 2013 (i guessed who)
Home December 3 2013
The Journey Of Reconciliation .. is for the brave .

Anger is like a candle in the wind ... it blows out the light of all reason.

Offline riverbirchTopic starter

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Re: Should I stay or should I go now.
« Reply #63 on: March 26, 2018, 02:27:17 AM »
I think it's always been like that too. Of course none of us realize it til now. He's always hidden like that somehow. He used to hibernate in our room,on the computer,not even coming out to eat with us and he used to be the big one about everyone eating at the table,when the kids were young. Well I can only take so much of this. Being on a computer all day is ridiculous. Not only that but a few nights he had taken his hours long bath ,while watching the stupid thing,drinking of course. Then when he got out he was a jerk. He's turned into a monster a couple times and it's pi$$ed me off and I tell him to cut the crap. Which then sets of my anxiety and I can't get to sleep. I understand he needs his time,but this is ridiculous. It's becoming an obsession. Another addiction.
Me 52
H (whatever he is) 53
D for financial reasons March 2012
Started seeing massive change over the summer 2012
Left end of October 2012
Started coming home thanksgiving 2013
Home now. March 2014
Believe ow is gone
Probably going through this for years
OW discovered Oct.23,2013,old GF from before we met at the age of 16!
Left again Oct. 20 2015
Came back two weeks later
Still here 01/17 not done yet

Offline Thunder

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Re: Should I stay or should I go now.
« Reply #64 on: March 26, 2018, 02:42:51 AM »
Yes, it IS an addiction.  He needs help, but good luck with him looking for it.
There is nothing you or anyone else can do about it.  You'll just drive yourself crazy trying to get him to change.  He won't.

Like with any addiction River, it becomes more important than anything else and if you try to interrupt it you will get Monster.
You would be better off going to some Al anon meetings where there are others going through the same thing you are.

They can be very helpful..and their free.   :)
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Online UrsaMajor

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Re: Should I stay or should I go now.
« Reply #65 on: March 26, 2018, 05:13:23 AM »
Hi River,

Sorry but I managed to loose you a while ago...

Yes, it IS another addiction - or obsession - or, one can also look at it as another alienator - ANYTHING to keep from having to focus on their emotions, on that gaping sucking black hole of emptiness inside themselves...
Me - 55
MLC - 47
Together 20 years - Married for 17 at separation
S - 11
D - 7
2 Canines (each of us has one)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold and separated - March 2016
Mid-Lifer has filed for D

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A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Offline riverbirchTopic starter

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Re: Should I stay or should I go now.
« Reply #66 on: March 29, 2018, 02:06:28 AM »
It's been a better couple of days. The therapy was good. I told her more of our story of life! She says ' No wonder you are having a hard time. Your body hasn't had time to fill its self back up.' So pretty much I'm running out of steam. Now that life is calming down a bit my brain is bringing things out that I couldn't deal with before. We work on me and see where I want to be. Repeating what has happened is like a nightmarish book.

I have another issues I've been dealing with for a while. That's all over body pain for no reason. It comes and goes sometimes for days. It started up again yesterday at work. I'm thinking I have fibromyalgia. Yeah me! All I can do right now is take Advil. I can not wait to go see my Dr.
Me 52
H (whatever he is) 53
D for financial reasons March 2012
Started seeing massive change over the summer 2012
Left end of October 2012
Started coming home thanksgiving 2013
Home now. March 2014
Believe ow is gone
Probably going through this for years
OW discovered Oct.23,2013,old GF from before we met at the age of 16!
Left again Oct. 20 2015
Came back two weeks later
Still here 01/17 not done yet

Offline barbiedoll

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Re: Should I stay or should I go now.
« Reply #67 on: March 29, 2018, 03:06:44 AM »
River..I too went just yesterday to the doctor for "all over body pain". Even the joints of my thumbs hurt, my feet , inside of my knees ( for whatever dumb ass reason) ...my shoulders hurt so bad I could cry. Fybromyalgia and PTSD and totally linked . I have some blood work to do to rule out "other things".... apparently thyroid dysfunction can cause body pain as well. It is awful, to say the least .Your therapist sounds very very good !
Married April 1985
5 children
Bomb Drop April 2013
Thrown out of house August 2013
Affair discovered November 2013 (i guessed who)
Home December 3 2013
The Journey Of Reconciliation .. is for the brave .

Anger is like a candle in the wind ... it blows out the light of all reason.

Offline Slow Fade

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Re: Should I stay or should I go now.
« Reply #68 on: March 29, 2018, 08:56:15 AM »
River my Mom was just diagnosed with fibromayalgia. It can be totally linked to stress. Magnesium is a good supplement to try. Soak in an Epsom salt bath for 20 minutes, that is supposed to allow the magnesium to absorb into your body without side effects. It is definitely NOT a fun thing to have to deal with. Yoga, meditation, gentle exercise all help.

((hugs))
Married 18
BD April 2012
Left home Nov 2012
Home May 2016

Offline intown28

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Re: Should I stay or should I go now.
« Reply #69 on: March 29, 2018, 09:03:49 AM »


. I am what they call "anxious pursuer " and he is " fearfull avoidant".


Wow Good way of putting that I think I mite be the anxious pursuer explain a bit more ..............

Offline Thunder

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Re: Should I stay or should I go now.
« Reply #70 on: March 29, 2018, 09:16:35 AM »
River I had joint pains like that and got tested, it was a mild auto immune disorder.  It's very much like arthritis but it's not.
It's in the same family as arthritis or Lupus, but it is neither.
My pains would come and go, and always in different joints.

A rheumatoid arthritis doctor can help you determine what it is.
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Offline riverbirchTopic starter

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Re: Should I stay or should I go now.
« Reply #71 on: March 29, 2018, 06:19:08 PM »
Yes I am the anxious persuer and need to break that.

I was reading this morning about the link of ptsd and fibromyalgia. It's been bugging me today again. I tried one king of magnesium but it was the wrong kind. Ill try a bath next time. I keep Epsom salts on hand. This truly sucks,aching all over. It's in my ankles,legs,arms,wrists,fingers,neck and shoulders and hips. It will go away.
Me 52
H (whatever he is) 53
D for financial reasons March 2012
Started seeing massive change over the summer 2012
Left end of October 2012
Started coming home thanksgiving 2013
Home now. March 2014
Believe ow is gone
Probably going through this for years
OW discovered Oct.23,2013,old GF from before we met at the age of 16!
Left again Oct. 20 2015
Came back two weeks later
Still here 01/17 not done yet

Offline Ready2Transform

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Re: Should I stay or should I go now.
« Reply #72 on: March 29, 2018, 06:38:36 PM »
This may sound weird, but my dad broke his hip in December, and my neighbor suggested to him getting some salve like the sell for livestock (super strong stuff!). I'm in a locale where we have feed stores close by, so he decided it wouldn't hurt just to try it for the pain, since he doesn't like pills. Well just a little bit helped a ton, and now we both keep a bottle on hand for achy joints (and it even helped with my migraine pain). I can post the brand if you like. It's like Ben Gay x 100, and not overly expensive.
"Unconditional love is the highest of high standards, and while we are letting go of our need to control the process of anyone else, we are taking within our lives complete accountability for our own experience."

http://seriousvanity.com/how-to-cultivate-unconditional-love-and-change-the-world/

Offline Slow Fade

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Re: Should I stay or should I go now.
« Reply #73 on: March 30, 2018, 07:51:28 AM »
R2T can you post the brand? Or PM me? I would like to see if it helps my Mom.

Right now we are even considering a cream made from marijuana to see if she can get any relief......
Married 18
BD April 2012
Left home Nov 2012
Home May 2016

Offline Thunder

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Re: Should I stay or should I go now.
« Reply #74 on: March 30, 2018, 08:15:35 AM »
River, I had it in my fingers wrists, elbows, knees, one hip and ankles.  I never got it in my shoulders.

I had it off and on for a few years then it went away for a few years, then back again but not as bad, now it's been completely gone.
There was nothing that took the pain away, not even prescription pain pills.

But then I never went back to find out if there was other medication for it.
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Offline Ready2Transform

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Re: Should I stay or should I go now.
« Reply #75 on: March 30, 2018, 08:30:16 AM »
R2T can you post the brand? Or PM me? I would like to see if it helps my Mom.

Right now we are even considering a cream made from marijuana to see if she can get any relief......

Absolutely! It is Absorbine Veterinary Liniment Gel. https://www.amazon.com/Absorbine-Veterinary-Liniment-Gel-12-Ounce/dp/B000B6I54G

Takes very little. If you give it a shot, you might try it on your arm or something first to make sure it won't sting her. But it's been awesome for us!
"Unconditional love is the highest of high standards, and while we are letting go of our need to control the process of anyone else, we are taking within our lives complete accountability for our own experience."

http://seriousvanity.com/how-to-cultivate-unconditional-love-and-change-the-world/

Offline Slow Fade

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Re: Should I stay or should I go now.
« Reply #76 on: March 30, 2018, 08:37:13 AM »
Awesome! Thank you!
Married 18
BD April 2012
Left home Nov 2012
Home May 2016

Offline riverbirchTopic starter

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Re: Should I stay or should I go now.
« Reply #77 on: April 02, 2018, 02:31:00 AM »
Three days of pain all over is gone for now. I ended up sick Friday. Again! One issue of working with a lot of people in a warehouse. If the immune system is off,that's all it takes. H turned into an a$$ that night too. So I slept on the couch,which is more comfortable sometimes when I don't feel good.

Easter was good with one d being able to come up for dinner.

 I missed my sister's bday party Saturday because I felt like crap. I didn't want go anyway. It was her 50th. I got an invite through fb from her h,which for one thing I hate. Plus I don't care for him either. I wasn't sure if it was real or if he was baiting me into responding. Once you respond he keeps bugging you. I think he's a weirdo and ignore him. Well I guess it was real. No one bothered to confirm the party or ask me for anything and I didn't ask. They all have my number. Just not in the mood for my family anymore. I'm always the one calling. I give up. It seems I am the persuer in all of my families life. Every stinking one of them. That's something ill have to bring up with the therapist today. I've been doing this since childhood. I was sent off with the grandparents every weekend ,I can remember.

Time to get off my butt and get ready for work.
Me 52
H (whatever he is) 53
D for financial reasons March 2012
Started seeing massive change over the summer 2012
Left end of October 2012
Started coming home thanksgiving 2013
Home now. March 2014
Believe ow is gone
Probably going through this for years
OW discovered Oct.23,2013,old GF from before we met at the age of 16!
Left again Oct. 20 2015
Came back two weeks later
Still here 01/17 not done yet

Offline riverbirchTopic starter

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Re: Should I stay or should I go now.
« Reply #78 on: May 14, 2018, 02:28:06 AM »
Been gone for a while.

I was seeing the therapist at work til last week. It helped to talk to someone. Most of it was how I can do things for me.The woman has gone to a different job and I wonder if I should call to talk to someone else. It still didn't resolve the deeper issues of trust and betrayal. How does that get fixed? How does the part of me get fixed,where I feel detached from everyone right now. He and I do things together but it doesn't feel enough. He's still distant. We are not intimate either and part of that is me. I know it is.

I think things would have been different if there had been apologies. I know some will never do this. I understand a lot of behaviors are caused by his fantastic upbringing. Is that just an excuse? I can just imagine what his parents were like. He has good memories too,from what he's told me,but something went wrong.

So there in a nutshell,I'm still having issues. He's still here looking for a better job. We sleep together,eat together and so on. Technically we weren't really back together til after we moved here if that's how it really is,I guess.

The job I have has been a bit rough. They've made major changes. I work for a major retail company that has been around a long time. I work in the warehouse programming bags ,linens and clothes. I was hired as a monogrammer but they've changed our jobs ,adding more things to do like packing or sorting. Most boring jobs ever and as far as I'm concerned a monkey could do them.  There are quite a few of us unhappy with what's going on. We started in a job we loved and now barely get to do it. It sucks. No one does anything about it. They just keep bringing in more people and we get shoved out.

On a better note yesterday was nice. He and I went for a walk on some wooded trails and visited the store at the site. I refuse to cook on Mothers day even if I'm not his mother,so I bought a precooked chicken and we had that,then watched a movie. He's the one that offered to go for the walk since he's broke from spending his little bit of money on his mother! Yes he buys his mother flowers every mother's day. The one he hasn't had a relationship with.
Me 52
H (whatever he is) 53
D for financial reasons March 2012
Started seeing massive change over the summer 2012
Left end of October 2012
Started coming home thanksgiving 2013
Home now. March 2014
Believe ow is gone
Probably going through this for years
OW discovered Oct.23,2013,old GF from before we met at the age of 16!
Left again Oct. 20 2015
Came back two weeks later
Still here 01/17 not done yet

Offline Slow Fade

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Re: Should I stay or should I go now.
« Reply #79 on: May 14, 2018, 09:25:42 AM »
Quote
It still didn't resolve the deeper issues of trust and betrayal. How does that get fixed? How does the part of me get fixed,where I feel detached from everyone right now. He and I do things together but it doesn't feel enough. He's still distant. We are not intimate either

I think things would have been different if there had been apologies. I know some will never do this.

Oh River I'm so right here with you. Almost word for word. I'm trying to come to the acceptance that I won't get exactly what I'm looking for from him so I'm going back to a kind of selfish mode where I'm sure to take care of myself. I think we have to come to that point where we stop looking for things that perhaps they can't give us, all it does is stress us out.

I played a ringtone while I was setting up my Mom's new phone and he said "Oh, is that so and so?" I looked at him and said "Yes, that was OUR song remember?" He kind of nodded like someone trying to capture a memory and I said "That was when you used to be romantic." He kind of looked sheepish and we moved on. Point made, no need to belabor it and I let it go. Kind of like truth darts, but less harsh. More like truth nudges. They get the point across, but in a gentler way.

I get the struggle however. Sometimes I wonder, "Is this all there is?" and "Can I live with that?"
Two questions that I'm not looking at too closely right now.........I may not like my answers!
Married 18
BD April 2012
Left home Nov 2012
Home May 2016

Offline hope

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Re: Should I stay or should I go now.
« Reply #80 on: May 14, 2018, 10:13:10 AM »
I can't help but wonder if this is what my relationship with H would be like if he/I returned right now. He just hasn't caught up yet and it's been 6 years. The completely shocking and hurtful things he did..it all feels so surreal..like we were other people then and it was a life-time ago. Referring to this s***torm as those 'dark times' and his "total absence" got my goat a bit at first - I felt he was still avoiding - But I now see how painful it is for him to revisit it and that he hasn't quite reconciled with himself yet. For me, thanks to HS, I have had a head-start, even though I accept this is not something I may not ever fully heal from.

Offline xyzcf

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Re: Should I stay or should I go now.
« Reply #81 on: May 14, 2018, 12:11:56 PM »
Sometimes I wonder if it is better that my husband has never come home. Something changed in me and I no longer can allow his actions or lack of actions to influence my life.

Years have passed. So much sadness!

Whether they are home or not, the best thing we can do is to find a life that brings us the ability to feel joy. Their inability to be real, to meet our needs is a constant drain on us.

Whatever “happened” to them they still remain in crisis. Locked down in their emptiness and lack of empathy.

No one wins in all this.
"Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see" Hebrews 11:1

"You enrich my life and are a source of joy and consolation to me. But if I lose you, I will not, I must not spend the rest of my life in unhappiness."

" The truth does not change according to our ability to stomach it". Flannery O'Connor

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Offline Milly

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Re: Should I stay or should I go now.
« Reply #82 on: May 14, 2018, 01:41:11 PM »
River, when I saw a new post on your thread I was like 'River!' You were here when I first found the site. There's something comforting in seeing some of the oldies on here now and then. I guess you're my anchor check!

I'm sorry it's not all unicorns and roses. This is so tough. We all wish for what you're having and yet many of you let us know it is certainly not easy. I wonder like xyz, whether I could handle it. It's one of those dammed if you do, and dammed if you don't. Good for you for your stamina. And thank you so much for sharing your experience with us.
Married 1989, together since 1984 
BD May 2014,
D24, D21, S14
OW Physical Affair. He and she said she turned 34 the month of BD. She turned 50 last year.

Offline riverbirchTopic starter

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Re: Should I stay or should I go now.
« Reply #83 on: May 14, 2018, 05:47:41 PM »
Trying to find joy. Yeah.  We have moments where we sit and watch stuff on the computer together ,watch tv or go for drives or go out to lunch. The thoughts don't leave my brain for long. I keep busy if possible. But they're still there. I have my Dr.appointment soon.  We are all changed forever. The last things I found out about a few months back were what put things back.

My trust levels are low. Geez I wonder why. It messes with your own self worth.

We have stuff going on with my youngest gs now and his mother. During the week my gs goes to school an hour away. My s drives there Friday to pick him up at school and takes him to school Monday morning. My s works Sunday so the gs is here with us or my s partner,which we are fine with. Well mommy dearest has found her new religion and new future h. I have no problem with religion but something feels off with this whole situation.

Mommy was going to a big church and now she is going to a small get together of about 20 people I think she said. Everything she says has to do with the Lord. She was ready to marry her future h after being with him about four months. He's into the religion thing to. He has also been a drug addict in the past. Heroin. He was clean for a few years and then about five months ago he went away to a place about two hours from here. I found out it was a rehab of some sort,maybe.

So mom goes to see her future h. He's out I guess but still up north. So she calls it. She has taken our gs on my s weekend so she can go visit the future h,which I think is wrong. A few weeks ago her and I were texting about my concerns with the gs and s. Too much video gaming so on. She then told me she was getting married at the end of June,and moving three hours from here,taking the gs,possibly home schooling him or Christian school,working from her home or going to ministry school. I guess her future h has been doing some kind of construction job while gone and building them a house! Major red flags went off in my head. She didn't tell my s until a week after telling me and almost waited. She told me she had been praying about this for 7 months! 

Honestly I do not trust her or him. She said she would drive the gs half way which we all know is total b.s..  Once she's there she won't budge. She's refused to help with this in the past and she's only an hour away. This is the same mother that left her baby with us as an infant. If it hadn't been for my s downfall with drugs in the past,the gs would be here full time. So now my has called someone for legal help before she pulls some other crap once she's married. So she's planning on removing my gs from her family and ours to move three hours away.
Me 52
H (whatever he is) 53
D for financial reasons March 2012
Started seeing massive change over the summer 2012
Left end of October 2012
Started coming home thanksgiving 2013
Home now. March 2014
Believe ow is gone
Probably going through this for years
OW discovered Oct.23,2013,old GF from before we met at the age of 16!
Left again Oct. 20 2015
Came back two weeks later
Still here 01/17 not done yet

Offline xyzcf

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Re: Should I stay or should I go now.
« Reply #84 on: May 15, 2018, 05:38:52 AM »
Quote
Trying to find joy. Yeah.  We have moments where we sit and watch stuff on the computer together ,watch tv or go for drives or go out to lunch.

I think that regardless whether they are in our life or not, they may be still be depressed, addicted, in crisis...and thus are not able to respond to our needs.

So whether or not they are in our lives, that joy is related to finding ourselves at this stage of life, in this situation and discovering what we need, and what brings us joy....without depending on his participation.

Perhaps that is easier for me because I live alone and can do whatever I want or perhaps that is harder because I do not have anyone to share my life with (although I have made some incredible friends....they are my joy!).

One thing my therapist taught me was to look at things from a different perspective....and my goodness has that ever changed how I feel.

One of my joys right now is gardening and I know that you like flowers and growing things. Are there any community gardens that you could plant in? Or volunteer to help a municipality with their gardens? Or visit parks and gardens that are beautiful in your area?

What is your passion? When you find that, you pursue it regardless of his participation or not.

I am off to golf, a passion that I have found that did not exist before BD...that is what I mean by finding joy.
"Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see" Hebrews 11:1

"You enrich my life and are a source of joy and consolation to me. But if I lose you, I will not, I must not spend the rest of my life in unhappiness."

" The truth does not change according to our ability to stomach it". Flannery O'Connor

http://www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com/site-map.html
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Online UrsaMajor

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Re: Should I stay or should I go now.
« Reply #85 on: May 15, 2018, 05:55:51 AM »
Quote from: xyzcf
What is your passion? When you find that, you pursue it regardless of his participation or not.

This is exactly correct and THE true definition of "GAL" and "Self-Care."  Find what things bring YOU joy, regardless of your Mid-Lifer's participation in them or not and DO them if you want to....
Me - 55
MLC - 47
Together 20 years - Married for 17 at separation
S - 11
D - 7
2 Canines (each of us has one)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold and separated - March 2016
Mid-Lifer has filed for D

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A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Offline riverbirchTopic starter

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Re: Should I stay or should I go now.
« Reply #86 on: May 16, 2018, 10:16:41 AM »
That's the thing. I'm trying to find more joy but right at the moment I'm stuck.
Me 52
H (whatever he is) 53
D for financial reasons March 2012
Started seeing massive change over the summer 2012
Left end of October 2012
Started coming home thanksgiving 2013
Home now. March 2014
Believe ow is gone
Probably going through this for years
OW discovered Oct.23,2013,old GF from before we met at the age of 16!
Left again Oct. 20 2015
Came back two weeks later
Still here 01/17 not done yet

Offline xyzcf

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Re: Should I stay or should I go now.
« Reply #87 on: May 16, 2018, 10:33:48 AM »
Yes, I became stuck too.

That is why it is good that you have been going for therapy.

River, I have known you for a long time. My observation is that you have not experienced "joy" as many of us do not. The phrase "fake it until you make it" is a pretty good one I think. There are many times I did not want to GAL, many times I am not interested in pursuing life by myself but I push and push myself to get out and meet other people, find new hobbies and volunteer positions...I just keep pushing myself and find that I have met some amazing friends because I I got out.

You mentioned that you are not happy in your job...have you considered looking at other possibilities.

My observation is that you want your husband to provide the "joy" that you are missing....and he is still deep in his crisis.

Just suggesting, to become unstuck, you have to take baby steps and sometimes a giant leap, breaking free from the "need" to have him fill your needs.

As I said earlier, whether they are at home or not, unless they really are making good progress at working on the marriage, they they are stuck and they will continue to pull us down into the abyss..but we don't have to allow ourselves to be pulled into their darkness.

Just my thoughts about as I see you struggling and want you to know that it is in our hands...we can break out of the mindset that nothing is going to be right until they are right..because there isn't any guarantee that they will ever be right.

Sorry, I don't mean to be insensitive.....just has been my experience that I had to keep pushing myself to try new things, meet new people and build a new life without him.
"Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see" Hebrews 11:1

"You enrich my life and are a source of joy and consolation to me. But if I lose you, I will not, I must not spend the rest of my life in unhappiness."

" The truth does not change according to our ability to stomach it". Flannery O'Connor

http://www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com/site-map.html
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Offline riverbirchTopic starter

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Re: Should I stay or should I go now.
« Reply #88 on: May 16, 2018, 07:27:43 PM »
You are never insensitive on my threads. I greatly value your thoughts as well as many others.
I am stuck. The joy button was shut off maybe broken way back. Even when I spend time with others I'm pretty flat.  Im going to talk to my doctor when I go soon.

I've been going to a nutrition class at work. I've needed to learn to eat better. I've been walking with some women at work. We go for 15 minutes at break. I'm having foot problems again. So I'm trying.

Tomorrow's haircut day after work and Friday I'm meeting with one of the higher ups at work about my concerns at work. I've been browsing for new jobs. I'm pretty fed up with the way things are at work.

We all go through shifts in life. That's where I am.
Me 52
H (whatever he is) 53
D for financial reasons March 2012
Started seeing massive change over the summer 2012
Left end of October 2012
Started coming home thanksgiving 2013
Home now. March 2014
Believe ow is gone
Probably going through this for years
OW discovered Oct.23,2013,old GF from before we met at the age of 16!
Left again Oct. 20 2015
Came back two weeks later
Still here 01/17 not done yet

Offline xyzcf

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Re: Should I stay or should I go now.
« Reply #89 on: May 16, 2018, 08:38:14 PM »
It will be good for you to see a doctor. Perhaps you might benefit from some meds.

It is also good river that you are walking and looking at other jobs.

I hope you get unstuck soon
"Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see" Hebrews 11:1

"You enrich my life and are a source of joy and consolation to me. But if I lose you, I will not, I must not spend the rest of my life in unhappiness."

" The truth does not change according to our ability to stomach it". Flannery O'Connor

http://www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com/site-map.html
The Hero's Spouse Mission Statement
Survival Instructions for Newbies
The Mentor Program
Report Technical Problems

Offline riverbirchTopic starter

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Re: Should I stay or should I go now.
« Reply #90 on: May 17, 2018, 02:32:21 AM »
I'm depressed I think.

Then comes the anger or frustration with being in this life. If he's here or gone those things will still be left with me. The reminders like phones and computers. Oh yes he got a new phone. He couldn't use the old one any longer. The new one is a cheap step up but still bothers me. Phones are my biggest issue. Doesn't matter who's I hear it drives me nuts.

The past angers me some days. This crap that's left. The lack of intimacy and closeness from him gets pretty intolerable some days and I just want to punch him. Why is he here if things are like this?  Why do they want to be with us if they are like this? I debated staying home today. Better being at work with people. I'm frustrated there and at home. Loneliness sucks. I'm missing our connections.

Do women feel this more? Maybe it's my age. A life shift coming.
Me 52
H (whatever he is) 53
D for financial reasons March 2012
Started seeing massive change over the summer 2012
Left end of October 2012
Started coming home thanksgiving 2013
Home now. March 2014
Believe ow is gone
Probably going through this for years
OW discovered Oct.23,2013,old GF from before we met at the age of 16!
Left again Oct. 20 2015
Came back two weeks later
Still here 01/17 not done yet

Offline xyzcf

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Re: Should I stay or should I go now.
« Reply #91 on: May 17, 2018, 05:15:29 AM »
I don't think that women miss intimacy more than men nor are we more lonely. I know a few male LBSers and they are very lonely as well. I think that is why so many people search for new partners on match.com and plenty of fish.

I have my own demons to face as all of my family live thousands of miles away. When I returned to the US, there was absolutely no one that I knew other than the couples that were all "friends" because they worked for the same company...and those "friendships" quickly ended as people just did not want to choose sides.

I agree that going into work and being around people is better than languishing at home.

Acceptance was and is the key for me. This is my life now. It is very quiet and I have adjusted to that. Weekends are still very tough if I don't have plans with others. I am far more addicted to TV in the evenings then I ever was.

My dog is a wonderful companion.....she makes me smile and stays by my side all the time.

Like any other type of loss, mlc sends us into  depression and once those chemicals take over in our body as well as the PTSD that we experience, our bodies default to the fear/anger and pain mode that we all know so well. That comes to be the norm for us.

These patterns can however be diminished and new neural pathways can be developed. The Mind Body Therapy I am in has been much more helpful than talk therapy for me.  My body has to learn new ways of perceiving the world and new ways of responding to "stress". I have learned to feel the difference, and to center myself and head towards those things that make me calm.

But river, believe me, several times a day I experience "fear"....when things don't work and need repair, I am overwhelmed sometimes at trying to do everything alone.

And then of course, the loneliness which is the worst curse of all.

As you know, when you read other threads of people whose spouses are back, it is very very hard because we still do have those triggers and memories....there is a new car on the market with the OW's name and each time the ad comes on, I scramble to find the remote to mute it...I want to scream when I hear her name..literally scream.

Barbie has written some of the most deep and honest responses to her situation. She is working so hard, has had all kinds of therapy yet still this deep wound remains......this is very normal for us.

I don't wish to "sugar coat" anything by saying that it is possible to get "better"......better doesn't mean that I feel as I did for 55 years...this is a whole different xyzcf...but for so very long, I lost xyzcf completely and I am grateful that with the help of my therapist, I am finding her again.....she will never be the same as the old xyzcf and I mourn that loss of trust and commitment, I especially mourn for the loss of my family.

I try and trust that life will not always be like "this"...and indeed there are many moments and times of deep contentment.

But again, I do not have to interact with him very often...and usually when I do, it throws me...even when we have a good interaction.

Acceptance....and faith that God's plan for my life is better than my own.
« Last Edit: May 17, 2018, 05:18:33 AM by xyzcf »
"Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see" Hebrews 11:1

"You enrich my life and are a source of joy and consolation to me. But if I lose you, I will not, I must not spend the rest of my life in unhappiness."

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Offline Slow Fade

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Re: Should I stay or should I go now.
« Reply #92 on: May 17, 2018, 07:45:53 AM »
Quote
The reminders like phones and computers
The past angers me some days. This crap that's left. The lack of intimacy and closeness from him gets pretty intolerable some days and I just want to punch him. Why is he here if things are like this?  Why do they want to be with us if they are like this?

And these are the million dollar questions, aren't they? I hate when he is on his phone. I hate when he gets a text. I hate when he posts on Facebook. So many triggers.........

My husband was offered a job closer to home so he wouldn't have to work out of town 5 days a week. Did he take it? Heck, he didn't even tell me about it until after he turned it down. This isn't the man I married. This has changed both of us. But that is life. Stuff happens and you adjust. Would I start over with someone new? No, I don't think so. In the end, its still my choice.........I hold onto that and God.

Right now I'm just biding my time until something happens to my Mom or my S15 moves on with his life as an adult; whichever comes first. Will H still be there after that? I don't know. Time will tell. He is a closed book to me right now. I can only live one day at a time.

I feel your pain River.......Hugs........
Married 18
BD April 2012
Left home Nov 2012
Home May 2016

Offline Thunder

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Re: Should I stay or should I go now.
« Reply #93 on: May 17, 2018, 08:17:57 AM »
Hi River,

I'm just curious, and you may have done this already, but have you had a talk with your H about this intimacy problem?
He may really have a problem he is not talking about.
He may have low T, or ED.

I can't imagine this doesn't bother him to some extend.  He's not that old.
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Online in it

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Re: Should I stay or should I go now.
« Reply #94 on: May 17, 2018, 11:25:44 AM »
River
You've been at this a loooong time. I myself thought you might be depressed a while ago..
Ever heard the saying misery loves company?.You might be living with it. Your H is personification of it.
Honey you may need to make some decisions and make some baby steps to detach.The anger you feel might be telling you something is wrong.
There are two ways of spreading light:
Be the candle; or the mirror that reflects it

Don't ask why someone is still hurting you; ask why you keep letting them.

Offline gman242

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Re: Should I stay or should I go now.
« Reply #95 on: May 17, 2018, 11:40:21 AM »
He doesn't have a chance with her. She wants nothing to do with him. I thought the same thing. That he wants me to throw him out,that way he can say it's my fault. Boo hoo she's such a b*tc#.

Honestly I don't know WHAT I'm doing anymore.

I'm a little late to the party.. but generally this is the attitude of most MLCers.. they want to get caught cheating, being a butt hole etc so you can break up with them. This comes from a lifelong process of not or being afraid of making decisions. My w said to me "I wish you'd hate me because it'd make this easier".

You get to a point I think you have your life and their mess is over there, where you don't have to deal with it anymore. If you want to stand, find, but they need to come to you and you need to let them do the work. Other wise, I'll take the couch, cats, netflix and leave me out of it please. My attitude anyway.

Also, I'd be happy to talk to you about depression / anxiety any time you want! I've been through plenty the last years..
« Last Edit: May 17, 2018, 12:03:46 PM by gman242 »

Offline barbiedoll

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Re: Should I stay or should I go now.
« Reply #96 on: May 17, 2018, 01:23:38 PM »
So many great responses River ...and I am soo happy to hear from you again my friend! . I am sorry it continues to be difficult in so many ways and depression would not surprise me in the least . I am positive I go in and out of episodes of depression even though I do most of my battle with anxiety . I for one cannot imagine how you could possibly go thru years of chaos, emotional pain and abandonment and not end up with some serious emotional issues to resolve. But I am curious about your counselling ..have you continued to attend? .

River , I know you are stuck. I know you depend very much on your H to provide you with that missing joy or happiness.  I imagine some of your thinking is " If H would ONLY do "this" I would be happy . If H would only SAY "that..I would be happy". That was most absolutely my thinking for a very long times ...and at times, I wonder back there . Of course we want our partners to make us feel happiness...BUT , if that is your main source of happiness and it continually fails to meet your expectations , what then ?.  You get "stuck". Always waiting, always hoping, always anticipating ...and always being disappointed . It just hurts .

But your husband may well still be in some sort of crisis and unable to step up and be a true healthy partner ... but more than that , he simply may not know how. So you may be waiting for a very long time. I have been repeatedly shocked of how emotionally stunted my husband is ( not as an insult ) , how he lacks intuition or "reading the signs or cues " ( that are sooo obvious to me ) or that he has a very very compartmentalized brain... not even remotely like mine . It is not unheard of for me to have to be very very specific with my husband if I want to get my needs met ...I sometimes have to say " right now, I NEED your support because I am very upset, sad, frustrated etc". Or I need you to explain to me ________ because I feel very confused . ". He does NOT pickup emotional cues ..he is learning.  A therapist absolutely told me " Barbiedoll, your H is emotionally in pre-school and you have an honours degree . You will need to teach him what you need ".  WTF? .  And I was " waiting?". Hell would have froze over apparently .

I have talked with you in the past about expressing your "triggers" about the phone, computer, facebook etc ... and to tell him what happens to you ( triggers / PTSD) . I was EXACTLY THE SAME River .. for a long time . Now I am not triggered by these things ... 90 % of the time. But I had to teach him what I needed to feel safe and remain calm. He never would have necessarily figured that out without my input . Have you told your husband about this ? And then you need to also tell him what "you would like him to do instead ". Its hard River ...wow, it is hard .
Married April 1985
5 children
Bomb Drop April 2013
Thrown out of house August 2013
Affair discovered November 2013 (i guessed who)
Home December 3 2013
The Journey Of Reconciliation .. is for the brave .

Anger is like a candle in the wind ... it blows out the light of all reason.

Offline riverbirchTopic starter

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Re: Should I stay or should I go now.
« Reply #97 on: May 18, 2018, 02:19:48 AM »
Thank you everyone I'm feeling better today. I have meltdowns every once in a while. I think being stressed at work is having it effect. Today I meet with a boss that's over my leaders head and the manager of our business. I skipped the manager all together matter of fact. There's stuff going on and stuff doesn't get done. One of the women I work with asked if I wanted to talk to him and I said sure so she emailed him to get me an appointment. I had no idea how to contact him. Lots of unhappy people where I work.

Yesterday I had a crying meltdown in the shower and I think he heard me. I got a big hug when I left for work. Dinner was being made when I got home,dishes were done.

I have a hard time talking to him. I've brought up the t level thing before. He has a doctor's appointment next week,maybe ill find a way to bring it up. He hates taking medication. Right now he suffers from a stomach issue when he eats. He was given medication and took it for a while. Now he's got issues again! Imagine that! He's going to talk to them about getting his esophagus stretched. Whatever! He has gout in his feet and has for a few years. Again ,whatever! I know what's caused all these issues. It's his alcohol abuse over the years,the way he eats,lack of exercise and stress.

In the meantime I've been going to a short nutrition class,drinking more water and taking brief walks at work. Then I have the doctors appointment next week. Why would a person want to be sick every day and feel miserable.? Screw that.
Me 52
H (whatever he is) 53
D for financial reasons March 2012
Started seeing massive change over the summer 2012
Left end of October 2012
Started coming home thanksgiving 2013
Home now. March 2014
Believe ow is gone
Probably going through this for years
OW discovered Oct.23,2013,old GF from before we met at the age of 16!
Left again Oct. 20 2015
Came back two weeks later
Still here 01/17 not done yet

Offline riverbirchTopic starter

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Re: Should I stay or should I go now.
« Reply #98 on: May 18, 2018, 07:34:29 PM »
Off topic question. When does religion become cultish?

My gs mother is acting weird. She's gone from going to church to full blown commitment to this new group. Everything out of her mouth is related to God. Ok I have no problem with God and faith but I have seen a few over the top.

Her future h is a recovering heroin addict. They have both helped at homeless shelters. We met him once and all of us got an uncomfortable feeling. We've met her boyfriends before with no problems. Yes it's weird. She lived in my home like a daughter until she left her s as an infant.

Anyway her plan is to get married,move three hours away,take gs out of school,home school or Christian school,work from home,which we thought she was a nurse. She isn't working anymore and we don't know where she gets money. She lives with her dad,step mom and niece and gs. They don't give her money. She travels to see her bf and friends three hours away. Where is she getting money for this?

He was in rehab so she says. He's suppose to be working now doing construction up north where they are planning on moving. He's building a house for them. With what? Where's that money coming from?

She is thinking of doing ministry school. She wants to keep our gs now every other weekend to get gs used to his new surroundings three hours away on my s time. Tonight I was looking for her on fb. She's not on there anymore and either is the bf. Now I am seriously getting worried about her taking my gs. I don't know what kind of place she's involved in but something feels off. Very wrong.

Me 52
H (whatever he is) 53
D for financial reasons March 2012
Started seeing massive change over the summer 2012
Left end of October 2012
Started coming home thanksgiving 2013
Home now. March 2014
Believe ow is gone
Probably going through this for years
OW discovered Oct.23,2013,old GF from before we met at the age of 16!
Left again Oct. 20 2015
Came back two weeks later
Still here 01/17 not done yet

Offline Thunder

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Re: Should I stay or should I go now.
« Reply #99 on: May 20, 2018, 03:40:42 AM »
I understand your concern, River.  How does your son feel about all this  I would think he has some input as to what is best for his s.  Do they have 50/50 custody?

Unfortunately, there isn't much you can do about her choices.
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Offline riverbirchTopic starter

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Re: Should I stay or should I go now.
« Reply #100 on: May 21, 2018, 02:26:56 AM »
My son is so mild compared to me. He doesn't want his son gone and has called for a lawyer consultation. This whole time they weren't married and we had majority of custody until he got arrested a few years ago. He almost completely lost him. There has never been court involvement or the involvement other than that. There's no custody agreement or child support. That's what they both agreed on. She can be a pain in the a$$ when it comes to this. If Gs needs to come to our house on an off day she will not bend and meet us half way. Her family is just as bad. S has had to bend over backwards for her.

A few weeks ago her aunt was sick in the hospital. She wanted to go see her so she said and gs had stayed home sick so she dragged him up her while sick so she could do that. I do not mind gs being here even if sick. He's like my own kid,but this is how it's been his whole life. When he was a baby he was sick and had to go to the doctor. She would not go. She was living with us then. She took off with a careful of her friends and s took him.

Anyway s and partner hate what she's doing. Hopefully he contacts that lawyer before she's married.
Me 52
H (whatever he is) 53
D for financial reasons March 2012
Started seeing massive change over the summer 2012
Left end of October 2012
Started coming home thanksgiving 2013
Home now. March 2014
Believe ow is gone
Probably going through this for years
OW discovered Oct.23,2013,old GF from before we met at the age of 16!
Left again Oct. 20 2015
Came back two weeks later
Still here 01/17 not done yet

Offline Thunder

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Re: Should I stay or should I go now.
« Reply #101 on: May 21, 2018, 07:21:28 AM »
Yes, I do too, but I can understand the situation is surely complicated.

Guess all he can do is try.
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Offline riverbirchTopic starter

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Re: Should I stay or should I go now.
« Reply #102 on: May 24, 2018, 02:30:45 AM »
So who invented fingerprint technology for cell phones a,cheater?  H has a new older phone that has that. How convenient. Just one more thing to p$$ me off.

We were sitting on the porch last night and he had to let me know it had that. I already knew because I looked at it. After a few minutes I went in the house. He was doing something on the phone ,probably nothing but changing the radio station,but still. I sat in my room thinking Am I ever going to be normal again? Am I ever going to get over this stuff? It just all comes back. Him playing on that damn phone,hiding it, seeing the phone bill with all kinds of unknown numbers. Some days I still can't stand him and hate him for what he has done.

Last week we got into a fight because he went to get a haircut. The place he goes is in the city where his diner dream girl works. He has gone to get his hair cut there since he was in the military. That I understand. He forgot to mention he was going there because he didn't think he had to tell me he was getting a haircut. Ok so any normal person would not flip out on this but I did.  I  lost it. I had things going on in my head that escalated and boom.

I don't want to be like this but am. I let him have it too. Basically told him it was because of all the $hit he's done and because of the last two women I knew about a while back. I didn't care if he left. I left. I went for a drive and sat in my car. Once I cooled down I was ashamed of my behavior. It's out now.
Me 52
H (whatever he is) 53
D for financial reasons March 2012
Started seeing massive change over the summer 2012
Left end of October 2012
Started coming home thanksgiving 2013
Home now. March 2014
Believe ow is gone
Probably going through this for years
OW discovered Oct.23,2013,old GF from before we met at the age of 16!
Left again Oct. 20 2015
Came back two weeks later
Still here 01/17 not done yet

Offline Nerissa

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Re: Should I stay or should I go now.
« Reply #103 on: May 24, 2018, 05:34:24 AM »
I am appreciating this thread and the really useful advice about getting out of being ‘stuck’.  River, your words remind me of myself a few years ago, while the affair was ongoing.  Your efforts to exercise and eat well, especially.

Post affair, I really threw myself into this as I was 52, overweight and lethargic about life.  I am still stuck in many ways, but addressing the issues you are looking at transformed me and my ability to enjoy my life day to day (further ahead is still a problem for me)

I started bio identical Hrt.  i began weight training with a trainer and I changed my diet.  A current theory among academic scientists is that the brain/gut connection is real and little understood and that our diet may be a cause of depression.

In any case, the combination of these things helped more than I can say and when one of my daughters at University developed quite severe depression, she received professional help from university psychiatry sept, but I also arranged a personal trainer twice weekly. 

I think this was perhaps the major part of the cure.  A sympathetic trainer, there to concentrate on you for an hour 2/3 times weekly is like a kind of counselling/self
care option, with growing attachment (good trainers are very people aware) and the added benefit of fitness and endorphins.  And you have appointments you have to keep.

I’m just saying this since you seem  to be interested in looking at these areas and I want to say how much it helped me, even though it was hard work:  it has allowed me to attempt and achieve so much  more than I was doing.


Offline riverbirchTopic starter

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Re: Should I stay or should I go now.
« Reply #104 on: May 24, 2018, 07:15:16 AM »
There comes a time when we have to take care of ourselves,finally. We've run on issues for so long. I would love to just have these triggers removed. I've known for a while that I've needed to fix my nutrition at this point in my life. I've been going through menopause,then got hit by the Mlc semi and now the aftermath. There are mental health issues I have that need to be addressed,hopefully by my doctor next week. Although it was nice talking to the therapist at work,it wasn't enough. I need something else that deals with the ptsd ,anxiety and depression. Working on what I want doesn't take it away. No matter what I do in life this giant black mess will be with me. I can see myself turning into a hermit all alone because of it. Blocking everyone and everything out so it doesn't hurt anymore.

That sums it up. It still hurts. All of it.
Me 52
H (whatever he is) 53
D for financial reasons March 2012
Started seeing massive change over the summer 2012
Left end of October 2012
Started coming home thanksgiving 2013
Home now. March 2014
Believe ow is gone
Probably going through this for years
OW discovered Oct.23,2013,old GF from before we met at the age of 16!
Left again Oct. 20 2015
Came back two weeks later
Still here 01/17 not done yet

Offline Thunder

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Re: Should I stay or should I go now.
« Reply #105 on: May 24, 2018, 07:29:52 AM »
River, I hope you can get some kind of relief with your anxiety from your doctor.

It must be terrible having those triggers.  By fingerprint tech., did you mean the phone unlocks with your fingerprint??
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Offline riverbirchTopic starter

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Re: Should I stay or should I go now.
« Reply #106 on: May 25, 2018, 02:06:24 AM »
Yes the new phones have fingerprint options on them for security and a code so you can use either. I think mine did but I didnt set it up. I dont even have a code set on mine because Im not worried about anyone getting into it and I dont have it bouncing around so it can open. Its kept in my bag.

Me 52
H (whatever he is) 53
D for financial reasons March 2012
Started seeing massive change over the summer 2012
Left end of October 2012
Started coming home thanksgiving 2013
Home now. March 2014
Believe ow is gone
Probably going through this for years
OW discovered Oct.23,2013,old GF from before we met at the age of 16!
Left again Oct. 20 2015
Came back two weeks later
Still here 01/17 not done yet

Online UrsaMajor

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Re: Should I stay or should I go now.
« Reply #107 on: May 25, 2018, 02:44:59 AM »
The fingerprint sensor has been around a while now and is technology incorporated from the government but is being pushed into the private sector, mostly because of all the phones that are stolen regularly.

I have it now on both my work and private mobile... Work is self-explanatory but if some dork somewhere decides they need to steal my personal phone, I sure do NOT need them getting access to all the data that is on it like contacts,  addresses, accounts, etc. before I have the chance to remotely brick the phone...
Me - 55
MLC - 47
Together 20 years - Married for 17 at separation
S - 11
D - 7
2 Canines (each of us has one)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold and separated - March 2016
Mid-Lifer has filed for D

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Online Mitzpah

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Re: Should I stay or should I go now.
« Reply #108 on: May 25, 2018, 04:46:43 AM »
The fingerprint/palm technology is very widespread here in Brazil.

Our phones have it - All my bank accounts have it, including on the phone apps, our punch in at work is fingerprint...

My mother gets kind of mad about it - she likes to use passwords ::) I love being able to go to a ATM and use my palm to withdraw cash!

I think it is super practical, however, there needs to be a way to circumvent it, in case someone needs to do something for you, or you don't have a fingerprint.

I am sorry River about the trigger, I can imagine it would be for me too...
M 57
H 57
S 26
S 25
D 23
BD 13 Dec 2010
Divorced 27 Feb 2015 (30 years marriage)

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future" Jeremiah 29:11

Offline riverbirchTopic starter

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Re: Should I stay or should I go now.
« Reply #109 on: June 06, 2018, 07:46:44 PM »
The doctor visit went well. I'm now on Prozac and was given vistaril as well. It's suppose to help me sleep. It does but I'm tired the next day. She's suppose to be having a therapist call me to set up an appointment. I had blood taken because of the pain I'm in some days. It came up positive for inflammation. Yeah no kidding. Now I need to see what next. I know I'm in pain.

Most of the time I'm coping but can still get set off. Normal no trigger days would be great. I've let him have it many times. He's still here. I even asked him the other night during one of my meltdowns why he was even here. One of my loneliness nights. I hope the heck my hormones or whatever straighten out.

I also have to take thyroid meds. I knew it. I've been putting it off.

I wonder if hypnosis works on memories and triggers.
Me 52
H (whatever he is) 53
D for financial reasons March 2012
Started seeing massive change over the summer 2012
Left end of October 2012
Started coming home thanksgiving 2013
Home now. March 2014
Believe ow is gone
Probably going through this for years
OW discovered Oct.23,2013,old GF from before we met at the age of 16!
Left again Oct. 20 2015
Came back two weeks later
Still here 01/17 not done yet

Offline Slow Fade

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Re: Should I stay or should I go now.
« Reply #110 on: June 07, 2018, 08:20:40 AM »
Quote
I've let him have it many times. He's still here.

I did that too. I think it was kind of a self-preservation thing. Pushing them away to see if they will run again; thinking better now than later; testing the commitment. I don't think I will every be able to totally let my guard down again. Too much damage.

Quote
It came up positive for inflammation. Yeah no kidding.
This made me laugh River! When my doctor told me I was under a lot of stress I was like "Yeah? What was your first clue?"  ::) Just help me!
Married 18
BD April 2012
Left home Nov 2012
Home May 2016

Offline Thunder

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Re: Should I stay or should I go now.
« Reply #111 on: June 07, 2018, 08:35:15 AM »
River, I am SO glad they did tests and gave you something for your anxiety.

It's time you get some answers...and some relief!

Keep us posted. 

Hugs
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Offline riverbirchTopic starter

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Re: Should I stay or should I go now.
« Reply #112 on: June 16, 2018, 08:20:55 PM »
He's being a total disc!  :o.

Yup it's my fault. Of course. Let's see how much more he can drink and be a jerk.  I'm trying to keep my mouth shut before I end up packing all his stuff and kick him out.

I went to see my parents today since tomorrow is Fathers day. I didn't want to go but did. My mother got fired from her job after getting hurt. She's retired and worked part time. I can only spend so much time with her to begin with. My sister and h stopped by too. I just wanted to leave.

I came home to him listening to his usual political bull and took a nap. I just can't listen to it everyday. It's depressing and boring. It's his thing. I made dinner while he did dishes and listening to more his stuff. It's irritating. After dinner he had to get on the computer as usual and I went on my walk. Almost 2 miles.

So on the computer and I sat outside by myself. I came in and sat in the room and he finishes and goes out on the porch. I went out and said now your out here. I asked him what the heck was wrong with him. Well that just set the ball rolling. I was accused of looking at his computer,which I wasn't. Whatever. He said some mean stuff and I had to stop. I went in then sat on the other porch waiting for him to go to bed. I looked out front and he was gone so I went in and he wasn't there. He's out sitting in the back of his truck ,drinking and listening to his music.

He 'll probably pass out. Whatever jerk.

You know what this is about? Father's day! The other day he said he hated Fathers day. Well maybe he shouldn't have been such a jerk most of his life and treated people better. Instead he'd rather be a jerk and not be a better person. He'd rather be a miserable human and blame everyone else for it.
Me 52
H (whatever he is) 53
D for financial reasons March 2012
Started seeing massive change over the summer 2012
Left end of October 2012
Started coming home thanksgiving 2013
Home now. March 2014
Believe ow is gone
Probably going through this for years
OW discovered Oct.23,2013,old GF from before we met at the age of 16!
Left again Oct. 20 2015
Came back two weeks later
Still here 01/17 not done yet

Offline riverbirchTopic starter

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Re: Should I stay or should I go now.
« Reply #113 on: September 01, 2018, 10:59:21 PM »
I havent been around for a while. Life must be smoothing out. Sort of. Ive had a few ups and downs at my job. I did love it. I love what i do but get bounced around to different jobs i hate. Things are odd at work. Our business is all through the US and Japan. They went through a major change almost two years ago and business is up and down. So we all feel that in our work hours and pay. So it is not what i thought it would be like. Im looking for another job.

Home life has mellowed. He quit one of the pain in the butt jobs and is taking classes again. Lord this man needs a full time job! Hes driving me nuts. I finally got use to being alone and he is now home more. Im grateful. Really i am. He drives me nuts some days. He cooks and does dishes,does grocery shopping. So im happy with that. If i ask him to do something he does it. He still drinks though. Maybe once classes get more intense he ll cut back again.
My sister is filing for divorce. This is from the bil that has given me the creeps forever. He cheated on her the first year of marriage. Together 4 years! They did counseling went to church and so on. Well hes been busy hooking up with many women including an ex. Like five different women that she knows of.
He found out she knew and and got mad and the fights started. Just like all of us have been through.
Shes been staying away from him as much as possible while hes still home. Theyre trying to be civil to each other. Today she went to a cookout and came home to him on the office floor with stuff coming out of his mouth. He tried to kill himself.
Like dealing with that isnt enough,his mother was giving my sister dirty looks in the hospital. Wonderful family hes got. Theres all kinds of weird stuff shes finding out.
The bil is still in the hospital unconscious in sku. The family was sent home for the night. Im staying with my sister for the night and shes back to the hospital.
Me 52
H (whatever he is) 53
D for financial reasons March 2012
Started seeing massive change over the summer 2012
Left end of October 2012
Started coming home thanksgiving 2013
Home now. March 2014
Believe ow is gone
Probably going through this for years
OW discovered Oct.23,2013,old GF from before we met at the age of 16!
Left again Oct. 20 2015
Came back two weeks later
Still here 01/17 not done yet

Offline serenity

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Re: Should I stay or should I go now.
« Reply #114 on: September 02, 2018, 02:23:45 AM »
Good to hear from you River but sorry to read things are not exactly all fine!

Sounds like you still have lots of stress and worry to deal with. It’s very hard when life deals us a difficult hand

Hugs

X


Online Treasur

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Re: Should I stay or should I go now.
« Reply #115 on: September 02, 2018, 04:21:09 AM »
What a dreadful situation for your sister...I suspect her h has been badmouthing her to his family and 'forgot' to mention his infidelity etc  ::)
Still he is obviously not a well sane man and it's good that you can use your own experience to support her at least.
How is your h reacting to the situation?
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD)
No kids.
BD Oct 15. OW since Apr 16?
H filed Jan 17. Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.

Grateful for any appearance of the tiny karma bus  
"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline barbiedoll

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Re: Should I stay or should I go now.
« Reply #116 on: September 03, 2018, 02:43:52 AM »
So happy to hear from you River !  Not the best of situations that you are dealing with you sisters situation but how wonderful that she has you to help and support her . What a horrible mess . Is your sisters husband in MLC? But what I really like to know is about your counselling ? Are you still going because you sounded much stronger at the time and that it was really helping you with so much pain. Your husband is still drinking ( I know that is a problem for many ) but otherwise he sounds like he is steadfastly moving forward domestically , educationally etc . These are good things in my opinion. Given the turmoil you are dealing with, you just sound pretty darn good ! I have been missing you... show up a bit more often ! lol! .
Married April 1985
5 children
Bomb Drop April 2013
Thrown out of house August 2013
Affair discovered November 2013 (i guessed who)
Home December 3 2013
The Journey Of Reconciliation .. is for the brave .

Anger is like a candle in the wind ... it blows out the light of all reason.

Online UrsaMajor

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Re: Should I stay or should I go now.
« Reply #117 on: September 03, 2018, 03:00:17 AM »
Hi River,

Interesting update... Not all peaches and cream - especially for your sister... I hope that she is able to cope with the mess her H has created.....

Your Mid-Lifer seems to be slowly coming around except for the bottle... One step at a time I guess... Better than no progress at all, right?
Me - 55
MLC - 47
Together 20 years - Married for 17 at separation
S - 11
D - 7
2 Canines (each of us has one)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold and separated - March 2016
Mid-Lifer has filed for D

Survival Instructions for Newbies
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A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Offline riverbirchTopic starter

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Re: Should I stay or should I go now.
« Reply #118 on: September 24, 2018, 04:12:49 PM »
I got hired last week to train our new ,seasonal monogrammers coming in for the Christmas rush. I do the class with two other women. It's a dollar more an hour and so far it's going pretty good. I'm comfortable doing the job. I also got accepted on the safety committee for our floor. It's a new group and I'm not sure how it's going.

I had a great day on Saturday at the Apple Orchard. I met up with my sister and niece and my two daughters and grandsons went as well. It was a great time and after we all went to lunch.

We thought of inviting our mother but didn't. I know it's mean but she has been driving us nuts. As soon as my sister had the drama unfold with her husband,my mother has hounded her with phone calls. The day after her h tried to kill himself,we took our mother to the hospital with us. She complained the whole time. She kept asking when we were leaving and was talking to everyone. It was not good. At one point,when my sister was in the room with him,my mother says ' Should I call a cab? This is after she had been complaining about not having any money non-stop.

Last Saturday I called my mother to tell her my good news about my job. I honestly did not want to. I called and the first thing out of her mouth was ' Is everything ok ? I said yes why? She said Oh I thought maybe something happened to your sister! 😈

My sister's husband had come home from the hospital the week before. So now my mother is all concerned he's going to hurt her. Which he won't.

So now the soon to be ex is home and he's been up to his usual crap,even worse. He's been on a dating site. The d was filed last week. Now she's trying find a way to get his a$$ out. She thought he would be tolerable until he found a place. Not ! She should have kept him out right from the beginning of his release.
Me 52
H (whatever he is) 53
D for financial reasons March 2012
Started seeing massive change over the summer 2012
Left end of October 2012
Started coming home thanksgiving 2013
Home now. March 2014
Believe ow is gone
Probably going through this for years
OW discovered Oct.23,2013,old GF from before we met at the age of 16!
Left again Oct. 20 2015
Came back two weeks later
Still here 01/17 not done yet

Offline Thunder

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Re: Should I stay or should I go now.
« Reply #119 on: September 24, 2018, 04:44:43 PM »
Hi river,

Sorry you are dealing with all this drama, with your family, but at least it's not yours for a change. 

Sadly River, if your H would get some help with his drinking things would be so much better...but..alas..they have to want the help.  Not much you can do.

Hugs to you!

A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Offline riverbirchTopic starter

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Re: Should I stay or should I go now.
« Reply #120 on: October 12, 2018, 02:10:09 AM »
I wish I knew what was wrong with my mother just so I can put a label on it. I have not spoken to her since I called her with my good news. I honestly don't see a point. She only complains and talks about her stuff. I don't feel happy after talking to her and often wonder why I bothered. She says I love you but it doesn't feel genuine. She 'll post comments on facebook,usually on our posts,and usually down ones. She rarely says nice things about any of us.

I use to go see her all the time when my kids were young. Now looking back I see a lot of things differently. When I went through all this stuff she wasn't there. She didn't call to see how I was doing or my kids. I had to call her if I wanted to talk. I feel invisible to her.

She calls my middle sister all the time. She stops at her job to see her. She used to call my youngest sister all the time but my sister stopped answering the phone. She drove her nuts. She is driving my middle sister nuts now. She called my sister to ask her to text our brother for 100 bucks. She will not ask my dad. She tells him nothing. Wtf?

I know her behavior is not any of our faults. It has had its affects though on our lives. I don't think she hates us. She's just not there. I feel bad ,well not to bad,for not visiting but I can't sit there and listen to her time after time complain. If we tell her anything she tells everyone she can.  I know there is nothing I can do about this other than live MY life. She has no care to call and she will never visit. Any time she visits she gets sick so she says and has to leave. 

On a good note my job is going great. I enjoy working with our new people even though they're seasonal employees. Most do well at their job. Tomorrow I'm off with my middle sister to go check out an antique place a ways away. It's in an area we use to go to as kids,with our grandparents. So will be checking out the family history as well. If anything,this d my sister is going through has brought us closer together. I no longer have to be around Mr uncomfortable.

Mr Uncomfortable is an a$$. Surprise! His true colors have come out. He's now dating while still married and lives at home. My sister is going to get him removed. He will not give her any money and is not moving yet. He's gotten comfortable in his new life. Amazing what they do or try anyway.She should have barred him from the house when he was in the hospital but her mind heart got in the way.
Me 52
H (whatever he is) 53
D for financial reasons March 2012
Started seeing massive change over the summer 2012
Left end of October 2012
Started coming home thanksgiving 2013
Home now. March 2014
Believe ow is gone
Probably going through this for years
OW discovered Oct.23,2013,old GF from before we met at the age of 16!
Left again Oct. 20 2015
Came back two weeks later
Still here 01/17 not done yet

Online UrsaMajor

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Re: Should I stay or should I go now.
« Reply #121 on: October 12, 2018, 02:38:05 AM »
Hi River,

I'd like to say "Nice to hear from you" but the trouble you are experiencing with mom and Sis has to be a real drag for you. Glad that you dropped by to give us an update though.

How is YOUR life (other than the work) going? The job itself sounds like it could be fun if it is your kind of thing, especially if one happens to be a bit of a Christmas Buff...

The absent parent factor is hard, especially when there is such a set of undercurrents going on, what with mom and all... She makes contact when she needs something but not unless then. It also sounds like she is living vicariously through her kids rather than having her own life?

Hope that you are doing well!

UM
Me - 55
MLC - 47
Together 20 years - Married for 17 at separation
S - 11
D - 7
2 Canines (each of us has one)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold and separated - March 2016
Mid-Lifer has filed for D

Survival Instructions for Newbies
Site Map
 
A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Offline riverbirchTopic starter

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Re: Should I stay or should I go now.
« Reply #122 on: October 12, 2018, 05:19:18 PM »
She has no life. She sits at home and complains. She hates my dad but won't divorce him. He use to ask her to go fishing and stuff but she refused then complained that he'd go. You can't win with her.

My life is going on. I get out a bit. My health is getting better. The h is going to school and working. Kids are good and so are the grandkids. Life is different than before though. I see people different than I use to. I see the h differently than the past. I'm still having issues with feelings of love for him. I don't let it drag me down. Maybe some day I 'll feel safe enough to give to love fully again. I don't know.

Me 52
H (whatever he is) 53
D for financial reasons March 2012
Started seeing massive change over the summer 2012
Left end of October 2012
Started coming home thanksgiving 2013
Home now. March 2014
Believe ow is gone
Probably going through this for years
OW discovered Oct.23,2013,old GF from before we met at the age of 16!
Left again Oct. 20 2015
Came back two weeks later
Still here 01/17 not done yet

 

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