Author Topic: My Story Should I stay or should I go now.  (Read 4697 times)

Offline riverbirchTopic starter

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My Story Re: Should I stay or should I go now.
« Reply #10 on: February 10, 2018, 07:08:17 PM »
He doesn't have a chance with her. She wants nothing to do with him. I thought the same thing. That he wants me to throw him out,that way he can say it's my fault. Boo hoo she's such a b*tc#.

Honestly I don't know WHAT I'm doing anymore.
Me 52
H (whatever he is) 53
D for financial reasons March 2012
Started seeing massive change over the summer 2012
Left end of October 2012
Started coming home thanksgiving 2013
Home now. March 2014
Believe ow is gone
Probably going through this for years
OW discovered Oct.23,2013,old GF from before we met at the age of 16!
Left again Oct. 20 2015
Came back two weeks later
Still here 01/17 not done yet

Offline bvFTD

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Re: Should I stay or should I go now.
« Reply #11 on: February 10, 2018, 07:09:02 PM »
Dear Riverbirch:

He says he thinks he wants to be there with you. Okay. But please tell him not until he sees a neurologist at a university hospital. You must accompany him to report his behavioral changes and the last several years of hell he's put you through.

Offline OffRoad

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Re: Should I stay or should I go now.
« Reply #12 on: February 10, 2018, 07:16:54 PM »
He doesn't have a chance with her. She wants nothing to do with him. I thought the same thing. That he wants me to throw him out,that way he can say it's my fault. Boo hoo she's such a b*tc#.

Honestly I don't know WHAT I'm doing anymore.
Do you want him to stay? Do you at least know that,  or no?
When life gives you lemons, make SALSA!

Offline barbiedoll

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Re: Should I stay or should I go now.
« Reply #13 on: February 10, 2018, 07:51:34 PM »
Wallah!  A very sold option #3!

Quote
Option 3: tell your truth, set your boundaries or say where your boundaries have been crossed, and follow through on whatever your consequences to boundary crossing are.
.

The rest of the post is very valid as a 3rd option and as mush as I hate the word BUT , I believe River is very very afraid to do this . River , I am not talking about you as if you are not there ...I know you are reading of course. I think you are deeply afraid to absolutely confront, put up solid boundaries and follow thru. Please wack me with the hugest 2x4 ever if I am totally nuts ... but honestly, its seems you are paralyzed ( literally paralysed) for 6 summers from doing this . I am NOT judging ...I am not. I just want to get the bottom , so we can figure out how to get up to the top.  Tell me I am wrong ... I will apologize and accept a massive scolding .

Married April 1985
5 children
Bomb Drop April 2013
Thrown out of house August 2013
Affair discovered November 2013 (i guessed who)
Home December 3 2013
The Journey Of Reconciliation .. is for the brave .

Anger is like a candle in the wind ... it blows out the light of all reason.

Offline riverbirchTopic starter

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Re: Should I stay or should I go now.
« Reply #14 on: February 11, 2018, 05:09:41 AM »
I don't know anymore. I see changes in him,then I find out stuff. I think of a life without him and it hurts. Why when they have put us through the wringer with this? Not jus us but our whole family. Our kids,parents,siblings,everyone around them. Most people have backed off out of their lives but us. The left behind spouse.

Yes I am paralyzed. I never use to be. I would have fits of rage before my own Mlc. I was not a nice person. Now it's like everything is stuck inside. There are days when I just want to scream but can't. Not everyday,but there are days when I'm doing really good and memories come up and it's so overwhelming. It's like this latest discovery. It sent me way back to the beginning and that my folks is ptsd. That's why I need to get into a Dr.

Until I get my ptsd and anxiety issues under control this is how I 'll be. This has effected my whole life. I can't go anywhere too far from home. I barely talk to anyone. It sucks. I'm embarrassed by the way I am. I let very little people in.  I also have lost compassion for these people going through Mlc. 

You think when they come home everything will be all better. They'll be all kissy and lovely and intimate. Wrong. Not only that but men have been programmed to be big,strong ,tough guys. They've blocked out emotion. Add a military man on top of that and it's worse. They're embarrassed to get help and won't. They'd rather be nuts and a$$holes to everyone in their life then get help. They're rather be alone and slither off instead of fixing things. This man has been running his whole life. Ever since I've known him,thanks to his family.
Me 52
H (whatever he is) 53
D for financial reasons March 2012
Started seeing massive change over the summer 2012
Left end of October 2012
Started coming home thanksgiving 2013
Home now. March 2014
Believe ow is gone
Probably going through this for years
OW discovered Oct.23,2013,old GF from before we met at the age of 16!
Left again Oct. 20 2015
Came back two weeks later
Still here 01/17 not done yet

Online Treasur

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Re: Should I stay or should I go now.
« Reply #15 on: February 11, 2018, 05:19:16 AM »
I don't know anymore. I see changes in him,then I find out stuff. I think of a life without him and it hurts.
But how things are doesn't sound great either?

Until I get my ptsd and anxiety issues under control this is how I 'll be. This has effected my whole life. I can't go anywhere too far from home. I barely talk to anyone. It sucks. I'm embarrassed by the way I am. I let very little people in. 
Please don't feel embarrassed...it surely sucks though..we know, most of us have been there at least for a time. I am mortified by how long I got stuck in a hellish limbo. Reading this, I'm wondering River if option 1 is best for you now and what your instincts are telling you is needed...step away from him, let it be, ignore it all and simply focus on rebuilding your strength for a couple of months?
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD)
No kids.
BD Oct 15. OW since Apr 16?
H filed Jan 17. Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.

Grateful for any appearance of the tiny karma bus  
"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline Kintsugi

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Re: Should I stay or should I go now.
« Reply #16 on: February 11, 2018, 05:46:42 AM »
I don't know anymore. I see changes in him,then I find out stuff. I think of a life without him and it hurts. Why when they have put us through the wringer with this? Not jus us but our whole family. Our kids,parents,siblings,everyone around them. Most people have backed off out of their lives but us. The left behind spouse.

Yes I am paralyzed. I never use to be. I would have fits of rage before my own Mlc. I was not a nice person. Now it's like everything is stuck inside. There are days when I just want to scream but can't. Not everyday,but there are days when I'm doing really good and memories come up and it's so overwhelming. It's like this latest discovery. It sent me way back to the beginning and that my folks is ptsd. That's why I need to get into a Dr.

Until I get my ptsd and anxiety issues under control this is how I 'll be. This has effected my whole life. I can't go anywhere too far from home. I barely talk to anyone. It sucks. I'm embarrassed by the way I am. I let very little people in.  I also have lost compassion for these people going through Mlc. 

You think when they come home everything will be all better. They'll be all kissy and lovely and intimate. Wrong. Not only that but men have been programmed to be big,strong ,tough guys. They've blocked out emotion. Add a military man on top of that and it's worse. They're embarrassed to get help and won't. They'd rather be nuts and a$$holes to everyone in their life then get help. They're rather be alone and slither off instead of fixing things. This man has been running his whole life. Ever since I've known him,thanks to his family.
I think since they are not in their right state of mind is how they can do this to us and our families.  When I think about the things my H did, I compare his actions to a 12 and a 17 year old boy and then his actions almost make sense.  Almost.
I can relate to the PTSD and anxiety.  PTSD is an interesting thing - whenever we are re-traumatized by events (such as H's MLC), it brings up a lot of the original trauma.  I know my PTSD was re-ignited by H's antics. 
I also have a military man who will not do counseling.  His old school beliefs are that it is for the weak and it doesn't work.  My H is someone who would really benefit from it too as he survived an awful childhood.
How long has your H been infatuated with this young girl?
I have to share that it was a wise move of yours to let her know about the FB stalking.  My H did this with a skank coworker.  I never thought of telling her but then she was an attention and drama queen who would have loved that negative attention anyway.
When the Japanese mend broken objects, they aggrandize the damage by filling the cracks with gold.  They believe that when something’s suffered damage and has a history it becomes more beautiful ~ Barbara Bloom

Offline xyzcf

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Re: Should I stay or should I go now.
« Reply #17 on: February 11, 2018, 06:31:28 AM »
Quote
Until I get my ptsd and anxiety issues under control this is how I 'll be. This has effected my whole life. I can't go anywhere too far from home. I barely talk to anyone. It sucks. I'm embarrassed by the way I am. I let very little people in.

We, like our spouses, also carry our own wounds. And they are not easy to "get over". I had a situation recently that made it very clear to me how I do not trust people. In this particular case, I have blown the situation way out of proportion, and I know that.

I was never one to feel the need to look back into the past to explore what has happened to me...I thought it didn't matter to this situation...we were "good" for 32 years but I had my own issues. Understanding some of the past has helped me a great deal to understand the present.

There are a few problems with this. Finding the right therapist and being able to afford therapy. Being willing and open to doing the work and even understanding and accepting oneself...changing our perspective of things.

We know that our spouses have their own demons to face. Your husband's family issues, being in the military..who knows what else to throw into the mix of what drove them to this point.

They are very broken River, they cannot fix themselves let alone fix their relationships.

Even though I know all these things intellectually, my heart still aches. Whether they live with us or not, our hearts still ache.
"Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see" Hebrews 11:1

"You enrich my life and are a source of joy and consolation to me. But if I lose you, I will not, I must not spend the rest of my life in unhappiness."

" The truth does not change according to our ability to stomach it". Flannery O'Connor

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Offline Thunder

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Re: Should I stay or should I go now.
« Reply #18 on: February 11, 2018, 06:46:37 AM »
River, it's too bad you couldn't just look him in the eye and say.."I'm sorry I'm not your "dream girl."

It would tell him exactly why you are upset, without saying anything more than that.
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Offline riverbirchTopic starter

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Re: Should I stay or should I go now.
« Reply #19 on: February 11, 2018, 04:10:30 PM »
He knows now. Basically started as him pi$$ing me off this morning and he said I kept making digs at him. How things aren't working and I told him maybe if I was Julia his dream girl things would be going better.

I was accused of hacking into his fb and called a liar. I didn't hack into,he left it open. So I said really your calling me a liar? I asked you the other day if you had done anything and you said no. I said what about the message sent to Julia? He says I haven't talked to any of them since 2015! Really now? Hmmmm.

He was mad,I felt better and he told me to leave him alone and I did. He stayed in our room for a few hours before venturing out. He was looking for tires for his truck online and I just chatted about that socially. Just basic talking. I asked him if maybe he wanted to go play pool later. Took my shower,got dressed and went to see our oldest d and gs. It felt good to get out.

I hung out with my d for a while and told her the deal. She's not happy with her dad. She says she loves him because he's her dad but she thinks he's like her ex and doesn't understand why I put up with him. I told her I didn't know anymore either. I took my gs out to get a haircut,pick him up some snacks and then a quick drive through lunch. We sat in the parking lot talking for a while. He had to get back to go with his dad.

I knew I wasn't going to play pool. I changed my mind. Didn't really think it was a good idea. Like rewarding a bad child. I came home he was in bed watching tv. I puttered around cleaning and got a call to go pick up the other gs from his grandad. He had gone to a wedding this morning with his mom and my s was at work. I happily went and we stopped to get his school lunch for tomorrow. I enjoyed it.

I came home and said nothing. I cleaned some more and made a quick dinner. It was very quiet dinner. Now it's time to get the gs ready for bed. Tomorrow I go back to work after having four days off.

Me 52
H (whatever he is) 53
D for financial reasons March 2012
Started seeing massive change over the summer 2012
Left end of October 2012
Started coming home thanksgiving 2013
Home now. March 2014
Believe ow is gone
Probably going through this for years
OW discovered Oct.23,2013,old GF from before we met at the age of 16!
Left again Oct. 20 2015
Came back two weeks later
Still here 01/17 not done yet

 

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