Author Topic: My Story Should I stay or should I go now.  (Read 3507 times)

Offline Thunder

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My Story Re: Should I stay or should I go now.
« Reply #20 on: February 11, 2018, 05:07:46 PM »
River, he now knows you know about the message sent to that girl.

Why on earth would you ask him to go play pool with you?
With her permission, a quote from a recovered MLCer: 
From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did.

Offline KeepItTogether

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Re: Should I stay or should I go now.
« Reply #21 on: February 11, 2018, 06:31:41 PM »
River I can’t imagine the pain of dealing with a live in Mlcer every day. And yours has been at it for a while. I’m glad you confronted him. I think you set an important boundary there bc he needs to know that you are not ok with that.

Please don’t be embarrassed by anything you are doing or who you are. Standing has got to be the most difficult thing to ever endure. Most don’t get that. But we all do.
Me 46
H 45
S11
BD 5/16
H Moved out 6/16
OW--yes. Worked for H. EA turned into PA while I was in chemo.

Online barbiedoll

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Re: Should I stay or should I go now.
« Reply #22 on: February 11, 2018, 07:02:06 PM »
I am confused . Yes, he knows now ( as you say) and of course made him angry etc etc . BUT ...where was the discussion about it? Is that all that happened...

Quote
How things aren't working and I told him maybe if I was Julia his dream girl things would be going better.

I was accused of hacking into his fb and called a liar. I didn't hack into,he left it open. So I said really your calling me a liar? I asked you the other day if you had done anything and you said no. I said what about the message sent to Julia? He says I haven't talked to any of them since 2015! Really now? Hmmmm.
.

And then its off to play pool?  I am not sure why you would ask him to go play pool.  Did you ask him why he was doing that ? Do be accountable and explain it ? Did you tell him how it made you feel?  Did you ask about possible therapy?   I am not sure what happened here. He knows, you know ...let's go play pool??  Why do you feel better River ?
Married April 1985
5 children
Bomb Drop April 2013
Thrown out of house August 2013
Affair discovered November 2013 (i guessed who)
Home December 3 2013
The Journey Of Reconciliation .. is for the brave .

Anger is like a candle in the wind ... it blows out the light of all reason.

Offline riverbirchTopic starter

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Re: Should I stay or should I go now.
« Reply #23 on: February 12, 2018, 02:21:02 AM »
I'm sorry. That's as far as I got. I know I'm stupid for doing it the way I did. I feel better for just letting that out in general. I don't handle things the way others do. I don't know why it goes only so far. I don't know anymore.
Me 52
H (whatever he is) 53
D for financial reasons March 2012
Started seeing massive change over the summer 2012
Left end of October 2012
Started coming home thanksgiving 2013
Home now. March 2014
Believe ow is gone
Probably going through this for years
OW discovered Oct.23,2013,old GF from before we met at the age of 16!
Left again Oct. 20 2015
Came back two weeks later
Still here 01/17 not done yet

Online barbiedoll

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Re: Should I stay or should I go now.
« Reply #24 on: February 12, 2018, 04:18:36 AM »
There is nothing ...NOTHING that says "stupid" River. Nothing at all. You have just arrived at a place that requires change. And change is hard. I too would feel "better" if I figured out something he was doing, because I was not in the dark, I was not going to be blindsided or he was still "cooking". But that simply uncovers a problem...how do we get to a solution? How do we make sure we are heard?. If we fail to make change... then we have to live in the "same". This is where you seem to always get stuck ...and I do understand why. It just fills you with fear and anxiety and risk...it is risky to continue the conversation, stand firm and lay out some solid boundaries . Very scary for many. This is where a good counsellor can help you figure that out and takes steps to lower the risk and make "change". Are you afraid he will leave if you demand explanation and zero tolerance of this behavior? . It seems that you manage it with passive aggressive actions..."buy him nothing with groceries, sleep on the coach, dig at him, ignore him etc" ...but of course we know that will not get you where you want to go. Confidence , self esteem ...perhaps the problem sits inside of these things ?
Married April 1985
5 children
Bomb Drop April 2013
Thrown out of house August 2013
Affair discovered November 2013 (i guessed who)
Home December 3 2013
The Journey Of Reconciliation .. is for the brave .

Anger is like a candle in the wind ... it blows out the light of all reason.

Offline Treasur

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Re: Should I stay or should I go now.
« Reply #25 on: February 12, 2018, 04:27:36 AM »
There is nothing ...NOTHING that says "stupid" River. Nothing at all. You have just arrived at a place that requires change. And change is hard.
But that simply uncovers a problem...how do we get to a solution? How do we make sure we are heard?. If we fail to make change... then we have to live in the "same". This is where you seem to always get stuck ...and I do understand why. It just fills you with fear and anxiety and risk...it is risky to continue the conversation, stand firm and lay out some solid boundaries . Very scary for many.

I agree with Barbie FWIW. No stupid, nothing to be ashamed of, you've just reached a scary stuck point where your gut is telling you that you need to do something different...and you're not sure what to do or how to do it. And it's scary and you're tired. Stuck is just that...not a failure...just a turning point. Please don't apologise for it (or we'd all have to apologise a million times too  :)) or feel that you have to do what anyone else thinks you should. We'll send you support and hugs no matter what xxx
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD)
No kids.
BD Oct 15. OW since Apr 16?
H filed Jan 17. Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.

Grateful for any appearance of the tiny karma bus  
"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline riverbirchTopic starter

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Re: Should I stay or should I go now.
« Reply #26 on: February 13, 2018, 07:12:18 PM »
It's been a quiet couple of days.This morning I made his coffee and sat next to him before leaving for work. He hugged me and looked like he wanted to cry or say something. I had to leave for work.

Tonight something was bothering him. He took his bath,I made dinner and ate while he was in there. You never know how long he 'll be in there. He got out sat at the table with his computer and ate. I sat in our room watching tv as usual. I went out to the kitchen and he looked crabby so I asked him what was wrong. He said he was tired.

 He came in after a little while sat on the bed and I told him he could change the channel. I was watching some murder show. He made some weird comment about people being killed. I was like ' WTF '  We just watched the First 48 last night with no comments.

So he was watching one of his news shows,changed the channel,picked up a magazine,changed the channel. Got kind of huffy. Grabbed his beer and went in the kitchen. I could tell he was irritated just by his breathing and the way he was turning the pages of his magazine. I just sat there waiting. I left him to himself. He came back after a few minutes and finally dozed off.
Me 52
H (whatever he is) 53
D for financial reasons March 2012
Started seeing massive change over the summer 2012
Left end of October 2012
Started coming home thanksgiving 2013
Home now. March 2014
Believe ow is gone
Probably going through this for years
OW discovered Oct.23,2013,old GF from before we met at the age of 16!
Left again Oct. 20 2015
Came back two weeks later
Still here 01/17 not done yet

Offline OffRoad

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Re: Should I stay or should I go now.
« Reply #27 on: February 13, 2018, 07:24:42 PM »
Good job keeping detached. You can only invite him to share and since he didn't want to, nothing more you could do. It's not about you, but it's so tough when you're still within his grumpy zone. It always feels personal even when it's not.

When life gives you lemons, make SALSA!

Offline riverbirchTopic starter

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Re: Should I stay or should I go now.
« Reply #28 on: February 14, 2018, 06:21:20 PM »
Glad the day is over. I'm sick of all the Valentine's day ads everywhere. I'm pretty sure he's sick of them too. Nope nothing for me. I got something for my two gs and a box of chocolates for him. I didn't give them to him. They're stuffed under the bed. I'm still not in a very good mood.

He's been coming to bed early the past few nights. He made dinner the past two nights. Been quiet.
Me 52
H (whatever he is) 53
D for financial reasons March 2012
Started seeing massive change over the summer 2012
Left end of October 2012
Started coming home thanksgiving 2013
Home now. March 2014
Believe ow is gone
Probably going through this for years
OW discovered Oct.23,2013,old GF from before we met at the age of 16!
Left again Oct. 20 2015
Came back two weeks later
Still here 01/17 not done yet

Offline riverbirchTopic starter

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Re: Should I stay or should I go now.
« Reply #29 on: February 15, 2018, 05:06:57 PM »
I've had a very rough day emotionally. I woke up ok but then the bad mood just took over. Fb is a big issue,messaging ,texting everything is and after my latest treasure I don't know how much of him I can stand. I'm just sick of Mlc,the crap that has happened in the past and angry at him for being an idiot. I usually leave his coffee already to start in the morning but couldn't even bring myself to do that.

I forced myself to go to work so I wouldn't be sitting here wallowing in my mood.Just an overall crappy day. Thank god I've got people to be around at work,most days. I stopped at the store on my way home and he was in the tub when I got home. I made us dinner and while I was getting dinner he was sitting at the table talking about his new job. His phone was flipped up and then he flipped it over. Done,done,done.

I ate and now I'm in my room trying to figure out if I even want to be with him anymore.
Me 52
H (whatever he is) 53
D for financial reasons March 2012
Started seeing massive change over the summer 2012
Left end of October 2012
Started coming home thanksgiving 2013
Home now. March 2014
Believe ow is gone
Probably going through this for years
OW discovered Oct.23,2013,old GF from before we met at the age of 16!
Left again Oct. 20 2015
Came back two weeks later
Still here 01/17 not done yet

 

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