Author Topic: My Story Should I stay or should I go now.  (Read 3525 times)

Offline hope

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My Story Re: Should I stay or should I go now.
« Reply #80 on: May 14, 2018, 10:13:10 AM »
I can't help but wonder if this is what my relationship with H would be like if he/I returned right now. He just hasn't caught up yet and it's been 6 years. The completely shocking and hurtful things he did..it all feels so surreal..like we were other people then and it was a life-time ago. Referring to this s***torm as those 'dark times' and his "total absence" got my goat a bit at first - I felt he was still avoiding - But I now see how painful it is for him to revisit it and that he hasn't quite reconciled with himself yet. For me, thanks to HS, I have had a head-start, even though I accept this is not something I may not ever fully heal from.

Offline xyzcf

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Re: Should I stay or should I go now.
« Reply #81 on: May 14, 2018, 12:11:56 PM »
Sometimes I wonder if it is better that my husband has never come home. Something changed in me and I no longer can allow his actions or lack of actions to influence my life.

Years have passed. So much sadness!

Whether they are home or not, the best thing we can do is to find a life that brings us the ability to feel joy. Their inability to be real, to meet our needs is a constant drain on us.

Whatever “happened” to them they still remain in crisis. Locked down in their emptiness and lack of empathy.

No one wins in all this.
"Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see" Hebrews 11:1

"You enrich my life and are a source of joy and consolation to me. But if I lose you, I will not, I must not spend the rest of my life in unhappiness."

" The truth does not change according to our ability to stomach it". Flannery O'Connor

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Offline Milly

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Re: Should I stay or should I go now.
« Reply #82 on: May 14, 2018, 01:41:11 PM »
River, when I saw a new post on your thread I was like 'River!' You were here when I first found the site. There's something comforting in seeing some of the oldies on here now and then. I guess you're my anchor check!

I'm sorry it's not all unicorns and roses. This is so tough. We all wish for what you're having and yet many of you let us know it is certainly not easy. I wonder like xyz, whether I could handle it. It's one of those dammed if you do, and dammed if you don't. Good for you for your stamina. And thank you so much for sharing your experience with us.
Married 1989, together since 1984 
BD May 2014,
D23, D20, S13
OW Physical Affair. He and she said she turned 34 the month of BD. She turned 50 last year.

Offline riverbirchTopic starter

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Re: Should I stay or should I go now.
« Reply #83 on: May 14, 2018, 05:47:41 PM »
Trying to find joy. Yeah.  We have moments where we sit and watch stuff on the computer together ,watch tv or go for drives or go out to lunch. The thoughts don't leave my brain for long. I keep busy if possible. But they're still there. I have my Dr.appointment soon.  We are all changed forever. The last things I found out about a few months back were what put things back.

My trust levels are low. Geez I wonder why. It messes with your own self worth.

We have stuff going on with my youngest gs now and his mother. During the week my gs goes to school an hour away. My s drives there Friday to pick him up at school and takes him to school Monday morning. My s works Sunday so the gs is here with us or my s partner,which we are fine with. Well mommy dearest has found her new religion and new future h. I have no problem with religion but something feels off with this whole situation.

Mommy was going to a big church and now she is going to a small get together of about 20 people I think she said. Everything she says has to do with the Lord. She was ready to marry her future h after being with him about four months. He's into the religion thing to. He has also been a drug addict in the past. Heroin. He was clean for a few years and then about five months ago he went away to a place about two hours from here. I found out it was a rehab of some sort,maybe.

So mom goes to see her future h. He's out I guess but still up north. So she calls it. She has taken our gs on my s weekend so she can go visit the future h,which I think is wrong. A few weeks ago her and I were texting about my concerns with the gs and s. Too much video gaming so on. She then told me she was getting married at the end of June,and moving three hours from here,taking the gs,possibly home schooling him or Christian school,working from her home or going to ministry school. I guess her future h has been doing some kind of construction job while gone and building them a house! Major red flags went off in my head. She didn't tell my s until a week after telling me and almost waited. She told me she had been praying about this for 7 months! 

Honestly I do not trust her or him. She said she would drive the gs half way which we all know is total b.s..  Once she's there she won't budge. She's refused to help with this in the past and she's only an hour away. This is the same mother that left her baby with us as an infant. If it hadn't been for my s downfall with drugs in the past,the gs would be here full time. So now my has called someone for legal help before she pulls some other crap once she's married. So she's planning on removing my gs from her family and ours to move three hours away.
Me 52
H (whatever he is) 53
D for financial reasons March 2012
Started seeing massive change over the summer 2012
Left end of October 2012
Started coming home thanksgiving 2013
Home now. March 2014
Believe ow is gone
Probably going through this for years
OW discovered Oct.23,2013,old GF from before we met at the age of 16!
Left again Oct. 20 2015
Came back two weeks later
Still here 01/17 not done yet

Offline xyzcf

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Re: Should I stay or should I go now.
« Reply #84 on: May 15, 2018, 05:38:52 AM »
Quote
Trying to find joy. Yeah.  We have moments where we sit and watch stuff on the computer together ,watch tv or go for drives or go out to lunch.

I think that regardless whether they are in our life or not, they may be still be depressed, addicted, in crisis...and thus are not able to respond to our needs.

So whether or not they are in our lives, that joy is related to finding ourselves at this stage of life, in this situation and discovering what we need, and what brings us joy....without depending on his participation.

Perhaps that is easier for me because I live alone and can do whatever I want or perhaps that is harder because I do not have anyone to share my life with (although I have made some incredible friends....they are my joy!).

One thing my therapist taught me was to look at things from a different perspective....and my goodness has that ever changed how I feel.

One of my joys right now is gardening and I know that you like flowers and growing things. Are there any community gardens that you could plant in? Or volunteer to help a municipality with their gardens? Or visit parks and gardens that are beautiful in your area?

What is your passion? When you find that, you pursue it regardless of his participation or not.

I am off to golf, a passion that I have found that did not exist before BD...that is what I mean by finding joy.
"Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see" Hebrews 11:1

"You enrich my life and are a source of joy and consolation to me. But if I lose you, I will not, I must not spend the rest of my life in unhappiness."

" The truth does not change according to our ability to stomach it". Flannery O'Connor

http://www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com/site-map.html
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Online UrsaMajor

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Re: Should I stay or should I go now.
« Reply #85 on: May 15, 2018, 05:55:51 AM »
Quote from: xyzcf
What is your passion? When you find that, you pursue it regardless of his participation or not.

This is exactly correct and THE true definition of "GAL" and "Self-Care."  Find what things bring YOU joy, regardless of your Mid-Lifer's participation in them or not and DO them if you want to....
Me - 54
MLC - 47
Together 20 years - Married for 17 at separation
S - 11
D - 7
2 Canines (each of us has one)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold and separated - March 2016
Mid-Lifer has filed for D

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A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Offline riverbirchTopic starter

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Re: Should I stay or should I go now.
« Reply #86 on: May 16, 2018, 10:16:41 AM »
That's the thing. I'm trying to find more joy but right at the moment I'm stuck.
Me 52
H (whatever he is) 53
D for financial reasons March 2012
Started seeing massive change over the summer 2012
Left end of October 2012
Started coming home thanksgiving 2013
Home now. March 2014
Believe ow is gone
Probably going through this for years
OW discovered Oct.23,2013,old GF from before we met at the age of 16!
Left again Oct. 20 2015
Came back two weeks later
Still here 01/17 not done yet

Offline xyzcf

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Re: Should I stay or should I go now.
« Reply #87 on: May 16, 2018, 10:33:48 AM »
Yes, I became stuck too.

That is why it is good that you have been going for therapy.

River, I have known you for a long time. My observation is that you have not experienced "joy" as many of us do not. The phrase "fake it until you make it" is a pretty good one I think. There are many times I did not want to GAL, many times I am not interested in pursuing life by myself but I push and push myself to get out and meet other people, find new hobbies and volunteer positions...I just keep pushing myself and find that I have met some amazing friends because I I got out.

You mentioned that you are not happy in your job...have you considered looking at other possibilities.

My observation is that you want your husband to provide the "joy" that you are missing....and he is still deep in his crisis.

Just suggesting, to become unstuck, you have to take baby steps and sometimes a giant leap, breaking free from the "need" to have him fill your needs.

As I said earlier, whether they are at home or not, unless they really are making good progress at working on the marriage, they they are stuck and they will continue to pull us down into the abyss..but we don't have to allow ourselves to be pulled into their darkness.

Just my thoughts about as I see you struggling and want you to know that it is in our hands...we can break out of the mindset that nothing is going to be right until they are right..because there isn't any guarantee that they will ever be right.

Sorry, I don't mean to be insensitive.....just has been my experience that I had to keep pushing myself to try new things, meet new people and build a new life without him.
"Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see" Hebrews 11:1

"You enrich my life and are a source of joy and consolation to me. But if I lose you, I will not, I must not spend the rest of my life in unhappiness."

" The truth does not change according to our ability to stomach it". Flannery O'Connor

http://www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com/site-map.html
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Offline riverbirchTopic starter

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Re: Should I stay or should I go now.
« Reply #88 on: May 16, 2018, 07:27:43 PM »
You are never insensitive on my threads. I greatly value your thoughts as well as many others.
I am stuck. The joy button was shut off maybe broken way back. Even when I spend time with others I'm pretty flat.  Im going to talk to my doctor when I go soon.

I've been going to a nutrition class at work. I've needed to learn to eat better. I've been walking with some women at work. We go for 15 minutes at break. I'm having foot problems again. So I'm trying.

Tomorrow's haircut day after work and Friday I'm meeting with one of the higher ups at work about my concerns at work. I've been browsing for new jobs. I'm pretty fed up with the way things are at work.

We all go through shifts in life. That's where I am.
Me 52
H (whatever he is) 53
D for financial reasons March 2012
Started seeing massive change over the summer 2012
Left end of October 2012
Started coming home thanksgiving 2013
Home now. March 2014
Believe ow is gone
Probably going through this for years
OW discovered Oct.23,2013,old GF from before we met at the age of 16!
Left again Oct. 20 2015
Came back two weeks later
Still here 01/17 not done yet

Offline xyzcf

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Re: Should I stay or should I go now.
« Reply #89 on: May 16, 2018, 08:38:14 PM »
It will be good for you to see a doctor. Perhaps you might benefit from some meds.

It is also good river that you are walking and looking at other jobs.

I hope you get unstuck soon
"Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see" Hebrews 11:1

"You enrich my life and are a source of joy and consolation to me. But if I lose you, I will not, I must not spend the rest of my life in unhappiness."

" The truth does not change according to our ability to stomach it". Flannery O'Connor

http://www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com/site-map.html
The Hero's Spouse Mission Statement
Survival Instructions for Newbies
The Mentor Program
Report Technical Problems

 

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