[If_only]

I read all your threads TYKS!! It is so hard for me to let him
Go!  I keep thinking if I could get him to have interest in the normal things he used to like then he would wake up and realize he is not acting right. But I can’t seem to get interest from him - he answers things but never asks about me or the family - it’s painful and I don’t want to let him go but I think I’m doing more harm than good with him and any hope for reconciliation in the future - let alone my self respect!  And if a friend treated me like this - they would not be a friend of mine! But then I think I shouldn’t give up because it seems like h Is mentally ill and I have to be there for him for when he wakes up.   But I see h in all your h’s and feel hopeless that he will return.  This is so hard.  Why wouldn’t he want to know how I am doing? 
RP - Yes my mentor  is great but these are my thoughts today!  I’m
Sure she will see them and tell me to detach!   Hugs: IF

[Rising Phoenix]

If, this is your journey as much as it is your husbands.
You cannot control his journey but you can control yours.

We learn from others on hs that have been on here longer but the young don’t always does what they are told and I mean that in length of time on hs. I have been advised and guided but done the complete opposite and that’s ok as I learnt from it just as you will.
When h vanished 6 mths ago, my friend who has been through this journey said will you finally listen to me. I replied yes, yes I will.

All our journeys are virtually the same but not quite so what will work for one may not work for another and your will find your own path with some help and guidance along the way. Xx

[nah]

Thank you bluerose for keeping our vanisher/low contact club going. 

For me, it's been very quiet in vanisher land, I haven't heard a peep since the week before Christmas when he wanted our son's girlfriend's last name for a gift.

You would think since she attended his wedding, my son and his gf have together for over two years and they now share an apartment, that the Leaver would know her full name. 

Anyways, this is hands-down my favorite thread.

I wonder why no one has made a clinger or a wallower thread yet.

 

I have wondered the same thing, why isn't there a clinger thread and a wallower thread..I can honestly say that for myself I have no idea what my H is.. vanisher , clinger...boomerang...

Some MLCers are easier than others to put in a category.  Most of us don't have a true vanisher (but some do), many are what I call "low contact", such as my husband, if it wasn't for our divorce hearings, and some meetings about finances, and a couple of funerals, I wouldn't have seen him at all since BD in 2013.

Many also switch from clinger to boomerang, and then vanish. 

It's not like I'm an expert but your husband doesn't seem to fit any of the MLC categories, he seems for like a narcissist to me due to his previous long term affair and his need to control you (and probably his ow too but who cares about her?) What's the difference between the two?  My Opinion, and yes it's only my opinion, is that MLC is a drastic personality change.  Looking back, I can almost pinpoint when my husband started to change, his personality, his clothes, his mannerisms, he acts like a completely different person, not just to me but everyone around him. 

Either way, you still belong here b/c either way you need to vent and that's the main reason we are all here, to vent.

[OffRoad]

Just chiming in since my (most likely already but I don't really know yet) ex H did the almost complete vanishing act last September. FIL accidentally called here at 11:30 pm the other night. He was trying to get hold of H. Not returning FILS calls. But I know H is still alive (at least as of last sunday), because his parental interactions with the kids is to play video games with them on occasion. Other than that, he's a vanisher with them, too.

Re:personality change. As I've said elsewhere, mine was a little broken from things of the past he could never let go, but it's like all the broken bits surfaced and he couldn't handle it. I can tell exactly when it happened to the month, nearly to the day. The change in his photos is evident.

I think vanishers vanish due to truly not caring (at some point) or not being able to live with the guilt. Clinging boomerangs are not able to cut their own rope- unable to decide if they should stay or go. Wallowers  have no energy to leave.  The vanishers leave us looking around and wondering how they fell off the face of the planet.

[living with Hope]

I used to give my husband updates about different things. I too thought if I did this, it would help him remain connected to his children, to his family , to me. I also worried about his mental state and at least then when he answered, I knew he was alive. 

He never really used the information to continue his relationship with his children.  It was like he was ignoring it.  But....down the road, I would find out he was paying attention and using the information with others to show how he was such a good Dad or to pretend he still lived at home.

It was so bizarre.

It didn't matter what I did. He did what he wanted to do.

[If_only]

Thanks everyone- also thanks LWH - that makes sense because he doesn’t seem to care about the family- probably does pretend to have a good relationship with the kids.  I guess I am not unique-  and neither is he.  I have to defer to everyone’s experience! Hugs: IF

[POOWOO]

Still nothing from my vanisher since bd Aug 15.I feel like I'm in limbo as he still pays half the morgage but had no contact from him at all poof and he was gone after 20 years

[Milly]

Attaching to the new thread. I like this thread, I feel there's somewhere I can go to read about LBSs with Hs like mine. My H was boomerang, then clinger, then vanisher. If it weren't for my S13, I think I'd never see him.

I think vanishers/or what we have, feel so bad when they see us, that they have decided the only way for them to feel ok is to avoid us. I think what Rising Phoenix said about her dad is probably how most of our vanishers feel. They don't have the strength or courage to try to go back to the wife, or to get out of the OW relationship. Maybe our vanishers are weaker than the clingers, or more proud than the clingers, or don't seem to be able to swallow their pride enough to do something to fix the mess. It's as if they tell themselves there's no hope and that's that.

If only, I don't see any harm in sending your H a regular update, maybe once a month and not every day. He said he enjoys your friendship. I think just like others have said, that while the OW is around, they are going to avoid us and the kids. They need the OW and the OW has given them an ultimatum: no contact with us at all of any kind or they will dump them. That's terrifying to our Hs now.

If we can maybe just accept this fact. If Only, your H was quite open about his situation with you, and thanks for sharing it with us. It gives us an insight into many of our Hs. While our Hs are in the throws of the OW, they are turned away from us, even though they might not want to be. There is no point expecting them to interact with us or to have some miracle awakening when they read a message from us. It's not going to happen that way.

However, I do believe, that when our Hs are fighting with the OW, or have broken off temporarily with the OW, and we happen to reach out in that moment, they can turn back to us. I don't mean as in reconnecting or anything like that, but maybe a touch and go, or just a good feeling about us that is a seed they store away.

With vanishers it's very hard to know when they are fighting with the OW, so If Only, if you keep the line of communication open, you might catch one of those moments. I think the secret is to send your messages without expecting them to get a result. No Expectations just described MLC on her new thread as the movement of a frozen slug. I really believe a nice message/email with no pressure attached is a healthy seed. So if you want to message your H then do it. But not every day. I really think the MLCer needs space to work through this crisis.

[nah]

Still nothing from my vanisher since bd Aug 15.I feel like I'm in limbo as he still pays half the morgage but had no contact from him at all poof and he was gone after 20 years

Have you tried small bits of contact such as a "happy birthday"? or something like "I still have your (golf clubs, grandmothers wine glasses, whatever) and was wondering if you would like me to send/give/get them to you."?

The first year and contact at all The Leaver would basically growl at me, after time he was more neutral and then surprisingly enough, often friendly.  Of course, it's completely up to you if you even want contact with him.

THIS.....

I think vanishers/or what we have, feel so bad when they see us, that they have decided the only way for them to feel ok is to avoid us.  Vanishers are weaker than the clingers, or more proud than the clingers, or don't seem to be able to swallow their pride enough to do something to fix the mess. It's as if they tell themselves there's no hope and that's that.

Yes, this is what I think is the simple (yet complicated) basic reason why our husbands "vanish".  It's not that they don't love us as much as the clingers/boomerangs, nope, like all MLCer their vanishing act has nothing to do with "us".  It's just that THEY have issues and are conflict avoiders to the extreme.  How many of you thought you had a great marriage b/c you never fought?  I know I did, we never fought so I thought that meant we were fine.  Fine all the time?  for 28 years? No, we weren't "better" than other marriages, we just avoided the difficult issues.

So now he disappears b/c he can't deal with life in an adult way so he runs away.

The question most asked by newbies when their husband runs away.

Will they forget us?  OF course they can't forget us.  Forget 15, 20, 25 or more years?  No, it's just more of the same, avoiding, and when the other woman stirs up sh!t, they avoid dealing with that too, so they sit and wallow in the mess they created.

What if we don't constantly pelt them with anger?  What if we give them the space they asked for but once in a while (that's key, not too much), just once in awhile reach out?  If MLC is real, my feelings is eventually they will respond, might take a long time and it's not for everybody.  But, if you do eventually want a relationship with them, what do you have to lose?

[bluerose]

     I agree with what you all are saying. Them feeling bad or to proud to see us or fix it. Yes, i believe that vanishers/ low contact ones are weaker than clingers or boomerangs. The cowards mantra for many years was" out of sight, out of mind" and i believe that he is still living that. We have 3 kids together. We do not communicate with each other about them or any decisions involving them. The boys are older but we have a 13 year old daughter who got the shaft in all this. If he cant ask me anything about whats going on with her i will be damned if im going to offer it. That is his responsibility.
     As far as reaching out, i support anyone that does. For me, i will not reach out. I have had my face and hands slapped enough to do it again. If i did reach out it would be looked at by him and the ow as a joke. Look at her she still cant move on. I refuse to keep being a joke. I believe that anything you do good or bad towards them doesnt matter in the end. If god wants you together in the end you will be . If not, oh well.