[Passiflora]

H spoke as if the kids were still the same ages and in early grades.  Not a clue and no sense of doing anything wrong and life goes on as normal.  No remorse, nothing, in fact gloating about his new life and how S should go and live with H and

Snowdrop,
Exactly this did happen to me when I was 21-22 yo. My father (deeply depressed/suicied attempts etc after my mother BD him when I was 16) He vanished from me and one of my brothers middle one for 5-6 years and then called "out of the blue" one day. He wanted to meet me and now xh. Anyway, all my life I've talked about how crazy it was that he was treating me or seeing me as the 16yo I was when he vanished, since the behavior was so totally crazy. Not until this happened to me and the possibility to "look into" others life, that this is a "common" behavior with mlc'r. My father also stated how much his ow by that time #8 or something, loooooved me! I was also like WTF? Anyway, I only saw him a couple of times before I went NC for the rest of his life, during a year or so until I found out that it was always on his terms, always he wanted something from me never ever him wanted to help out/show remorse or something else, a totally selfish behavior from his side. He tried to hoover me and my family from time to time during 25 years. One time XH did have to put us (me and our sons into the car) and him trying to reason with my father that we did not want anything to do with him. At the end of my fathers life, there was a lot of manipulation with come see me and you will get money/summer house etc. Sadly he never recovered and took responsibility over what he had been doing. The really really strange thing is that XH is behaving in the exact same way now. Total vanished since 3,5 years or so, oldest son cut contact no relationship over these years, youngest son a little contact but this is now on bare minimum or zero contact. Both spends holidays etc with me, XH did have to spent his 4th christmas without his own children. Mind blowing that xh family/ow etc believes his lies or what he has been saying to them. When grown up kids does not want to see a person, why don't it raise questions in other people about why?

Hugs

[MsMedfly]

I have a new one for y'all... The vanishing, reappearing puffy...

Who know believes that sending me text messages, telling me what to do regarding our 22 year old son, is acceptable...

I don't respond. Ever. He's seriously trying to "tell" me what to do.... Nope... Not going to happen!

If this isn't testimony as to how incredibly insane they are, I don't know what is....

I'm come to believe that silence is golden... it's better to be thought dumb, than to speak and remove all doubt.... So I continue to just stay silent.

Happy Happy Friday y'all!! Have a fabulous day and a great weekend!!

[stillbaffled]

I don't respond. Ever.

You're a smart woman, MsMed.   

[MsMedfly]

My grammar and spelling were awful!!! Sorry!!!

The audacity of that "man" and the continued attitude of superiority. I just do not get it.. He seriously thinks he's better than me!!!

Just exactly who does he think he is.. and more importantly, does he not realize who the hell I am??

I'm the ex wife, I'm no longer legally or morally obligated to listen, respond, or acknowledge.. That's what he wanted. I don't communicate with him at all so I'm confused as to why he feels so comfortable telling me what I need to do???

The past 2 weeks at my precious school, have almost been too much to handle. One student diagnosed with cancer last week, another just diagnosed today, both my kids. 7 of our families lost everything in a fire and one of our athletes took a header into the ground and is currently paralyzed. Add in all the anxiety over the horrific events in Florida, plus puffer and his demands...

Maybe I'm just pushed to my limit and I need to fall apart?? Haven't in a long time and I think it's time for the ugly cry and wine!!!!

I wished and prayed so hard, in the beginning, that puffy would contact me, call, show up, return a text.. Nope, nothing, he controlled 100% of the communication and almost all of my emotions... Now, I want him to leave me alone. Forever. I'll be cordial but that's it. He's helping our s, that's all I've ever asked of him but that is between them and no, I don't need him telling me what to tell our son! I don't need to hear about their disputes, their routines, I don't need to be the interventionist in their garbage. I will not do it. It's the drama triangle and I can smell that poop from space!!! No thank you....

I'm learning to be more selective in what I pray for and more specific...   And keeping my mouth shut is something I struggle with almost everyday.. The f word is just so therapeutic sometimes!!!!!

But seriously, the nerve.... Disappear, secretly take everything, file for divorce, show up, smack the papers down and poof... Three years later, he's now right back to the angry hateful puffy and trying to tell me what to do??? Amnesia??? Alzheimer's??? Space time flux capacitor thingy time warp???

I want to ask him, you do know we are divorced right??? Then, the doormat that you left behind, no longer exists... So please, encourage our son in your own ways and if there are any logistical issues with s, please let me know but other than that, this was your choice and leave me out of it.

Yep, I need wine....

[Snowdrop]

Passiflora

So sorry you had to live like that when you were younger and then to see it again with your spouse What's with the OW loooooves you deal?  H genuinely believed himself as he said it and both kids were like .  Even they could see their father was sounding ridiculous.  This was after telling us about how they met and were soulmates etc.... the whole visit was a disaster and his parting words were how the kids would regret it if they didn't speak or contact their father and would have to live with that.  A disgrace of a man.

Right after BD I took the kids on vacation (the one we planned with H just before he left ) and it was during that time that he decided to come and take some of his things from our house.  He was also telling the neighbours that him leaving was a "mutual decision" made by all.  That used to hurt so much and I wanted to scream out loud saying how untrue that was.  I then realized that unless I contacted every single person that crossed his path I could never correct what he was saying and even then did it matter?  Realizing there was nothing I could do or say to prevent any of it was huge in my healing.  A reminder to let go.  Once I did it was so much easier, otherwise the insanity of wanting to set the record straight was insurmountable and futile.

When I got a lawyer and he had to respond, the first thing he said was he was "concerned about not being allowed to see or speak with the children" , which was a total lie as he hadn't even tried...just trying to gain sympathy.  Didn't work.  My lawyer slammed him right back with a few truths courtesy of me, nothing nasty just how he has had their phone numbers and email addresses and there was no contact.  See he tried to pull that one even with lawyers so of course he's doing it wherever he is now to cover his tracks and make his story believable or else how can a father explain never hearing from his children.  Why aren't they staying with him and why doesn't he receive father's day or birthday cards?  Guaranteed his answer is because "that b!tch won't let them". 

Now what is his excuse since D is over 18 and still doesn't contact him and has no intention to ever.  Again he will say that their mother (me) brainwashed them and turned them against him He must be exhausted keeping up the lies although I'm sure that by this point nobody asks anymore anyway.  He's a nice guy and everyone sees that so will be forgiving.  To outsiders he really is a great guy and so kind and helpful and a lot of fun.  They will get what they need from him as far as friendships go and he will fit right in.  In fact he goes over and above so for sure he could NEVER have been unkind to his family and it must have been that wife of his that drove him away......of course I did.

MsMed

The vanishing, reappearing puffy...

believes that sending me text messages, telling me what to do regarding our 22 year old son, is acceptable...

I don't respond. Ever. He's seriously trying to "tell" me what to do.... Nope... Not going to happen!

Good for you, I wouldn't either.  All about control, even at a distance.  Sounds like an annoying mosquito.

[Snowdrop]

The past 2 weeks at my precious school, have almost been too much to handle. One student diagnosed with cancer last week, another just diagnosed today, both my kids. 7 of our families lost everything in a fire and one of our athletes took a header into the ground and is currently paralyzed. Add in all the anxiety over the horrific events in Florida, plus puffer and his demands...
 

[Nas]

I think the hardest part about having a vanisher is it makes it easier for me to drop back into thinking he's not in MLC.


I don't see him.  I don't get any insight into his life.  I can't see if he seems manic or depressed or whatever.


I know it's weird that he's spent almost 3 years claiming to want a divorce while at the same time doing everything he can to avoid it - to the point where he's now changed his phone number and left me with no way to contact him.


I know it doesn't make any sense that while he's living with OW and building up a new career (which would lead you to believe he's thinking of the future), he's simultaneously not paying any of his bills, has a bunch of accounts in collection, has no open credit cards (so he has to rely on cash for everything) and has ruined his credit to the point where he would have trouble even getting a new car loan or any new credit cards.


Still, that tells me very little in the grand scheme of things.  I don't have any insight into his life and it's easy to believe he's just found greener grass.  He's found the life that he wants.  


He moved 1000 miles away and lives with OW in a lovely house and has a great job.  No one knows he's still married and no one knows they started as an affair.  OW's exH has already gotten remarried so there's not even the threat of her leaving him to go back to her family.  


I always read that they have to lose everything before they might start to come out of the tunnel.  It does seem like circumstances are working in his favor.  Aside from his finances, he's not lost anything or faced any consequences for all he's done.  And it doesn't look like he will.


And since I am so broke and now have cancer, it looks like he won't even have to deal with paying out anything in a divorce.  I can't contact him directly so I would need to have everything go through a lawyer.  Before I got diagnosed I spent all the money I had on legal fees and got nowhere and now I can't afford to fight him anymore.
He left me financially devastated and has been able to move away and start rebuilding his life with nothing in his way.  He not only got a new job, but he's gotten promoted and it keeps getting better for him.  Meanwhile, I live in my brother's guest room and need to find a new job but I have been in treatment for 8 months, will be in treatment for at least another 6 months, and then I'll have to start over with literally nothing.
And I'm still 100% legally married.  Forget about dating for me for a long, long time. 


 Once I finish treatment, I have to find a job, get back in shape and feel good about myself again.  So I won't even be in any place to start dating until I'm in my late 40s.  And even then, what kind of quality guy is going to want to date a woman who is still married and has cancer?  


Vanishers suck, and the worst part in my situation is that it appears he's "won" because there's no consequences for what he's done.  The whole situation is so disgusting and everytime I think it can't get any worse, it does.  

[nah]

I think the hardest part about having a vanisher is it makes it easier for me to drop back into thinking he's not in MLC.
I don't see him.  I don't get any insight into his life.  I can't see if he seems manic or depressed or whatever.
I know it's weird that he's spent almost 3 years claiming to want a divorce while at the same time doing everything he can to avoid it - to the point where he's now changed his phone number and left me with no way to contact him.


Nas, I'm not always the favorite on here, b/c if I don't think it's MLC, I will say it.  If MLC is real, your husband has it.  Normal well-adjusted people do not move in with someone else, while they are still married, and on top of it hide anyway for their spouse to contact them to avoid divorce.  He has it, plain and simple.

This....
OW's exH has already gotten remarried so there's not even the threat of her leaving him to go back to her family.  

So?  She cheated on her ex and is currently living with a married man.  Lovely house?  Great job?  So?  Sounds like my sister (an ow), she's an insecure pos, plain and simple.  She is NOT better than you.  Well, unless you also have no problem destroying a family for your own selfish needs.  Would you do that?  No?  Than you are better than her. Every. Single. Time.


This....
I know it doesn't make any sense that while he's living with OW and building up a new career (which would lead you to believe he's thinking of the future), he's simultaneously not paying any of his bills, has a bunch of accounts in collection, has no open credit cards (so he has to rely on cash for everything) and has ruined his credit to the point where he would have trouble even getting a new car loan or any new credit cards. 
This
I don't have any insight into his life and it's easy to believe he's just found greener grass.  
Then how do you know this?....
He's found the life that he wants.  
No one knows he's still married and no one knows they started as an affair.  
Aside from his finances, he's not lost anything or faced any consequences for all he's done.  And it doesn't look like he will.
It does seem like circumstances are working in his favor.  
He not only got a new job, but he's gotten promoted and it keeps getting better for him.  

You're monkey braining and getting fooled by the smoke and mirrors.  


One of two things....
He's a well adjusted happy normal man who is truly in love OR....
He's a scared little boy who royally firetrucked up his life so bad and his guilt is so firetrucking HUGE about turning his back on his sick wife, he has to hide b/c he can't face himself.  What the Hell is he getting away with?  When my son was depressed, he use to put a towel over the bathroom mirror when he took a shower.  I wouldn't be surprised if your husband does something similar.  It's bad enough to deal with the guilt of running away, but then you got sick?!?  How the Hell does even a huge piece of crap human look in the mirror, and my guess your husband was not always a piece of crap.  No Normal person can live with that guilt.  NOT ONE.  He's a firetrucking mess.  Guaranteed.

I always read that they have to lose everything before they might start to come out of the tunnel.  

Or the guilt keeps them where they are sitting.


He left me financially devastated and has been able to move away and start rebuilding his life with nothing in his way.  Meanwhile, I live in my brother's guest room and need to find a new job but I have been in treatment for 8 months, will be in treatment for at least another 6 months, and then I'll have to start over with literally nothing.

I'm so sorry you are going through all this mess.  

And I'm still 100% legally married.  Forget about dating for me for a long, long time.  Once I finish treatment, I have to find a job, get back in shape and feel good about myself again.  

I have faith that you will get there.

So I won't even be in any place to start dating until I'm in my late 40s.  And even then, what kind of quality guy is going to want to date a woman who is still married and has cancer?  

That's when I started to date.  Men are like cattle, believe me, if you want to date, they will appear.  

Vanishers suck, and the worst part in my situation is that it appears he's "won" because there's no consequences for what he's done.  

Like I said, the consequences follow him no matter where he tried to hide.  The guilt keeps growing.

The whole situation is so disgusting and everytime I think it can't get any worse, it does.  
Agreed it does suck BUT.... I believe it can get better.  

[MsMedfly]

Vanishers suck, and the worst part in my situation is that it appears he's "won" because there's no consequences for what he's done.  The whole situation is so disgusting and everytime I think it can't get any worse, it does.  

Yes, it does.. and it appears that way.. BUT NOTHING is what it seems... It's the game of smoke and mirrors... It's all a mirage, a facade, that will eventually shatter!! 
I used to think this exact same way.. He wins, I lose, it sucks, it's not fair... Ahhhh.... But is it really?? 
Karma is funny, funny thing... LBS seems to face ours immediately, while Mr MLCer gets away scott free.. It's called running.. and they can only hide and avoid it for so long.. 
True story... It does get worse UNTIL you decide that it won't any longer.. I thought the same way. My life only begin to change when I did. When I started searching for and finding my happiness and stopped looking to see if he was finally getting what he deserves. I spent the better part of 2 years, plastering a fake smile on my face because I was suffering while he was partying and living it up with his multiple ow's. It takes time.. I know.. the one word we all hate to hear! 
Sending love and hugs!! 

[Milly]

Nas, I'm sorry you have to face your illness whilst being an LBS. That is so much to bear. However, I back everything that Nah has said. Your H is not getting away with anything.  He's got a great new job and got promoted? Well he's got a lot of debt to clear up and no credit rating, bills accumulating, no credit cards? What his new life is: a Ponzi scheme. It will end. The promotions, nice job, OW, they are all a facade.

Dating in your late forties feels late? I'm 53 and although I don't fancy dating at all, I think there's many years ahead of me to enjoy the company of a great man. Don't worry about time passing as you get better. Your body needs to heal first. Your focus must be you. Once you get stronger both physically and mentally, you'll be surprised but you might actually become more attractive than you've been for 10 or 20 years. That's the upside of this crisis. 

It all sucks big time and it's not fair but this is your chance to take care of you. Work on your head while your body goes through treatment. Make yourself the person you want to be, the person who got set aside for a while. Then, once the grueling treatment is over, you'll be in a great place to take care of your body. That will be the easy part. 
Your H like many of our Hs is a vanisher right now. Leave him to his fake vanishing life. You don't know what's happening over there, but if it were good, he could face his wife and ask her how she is, does she need any help, because that's what normal people do. He's not normal right now. He's a train reck. You don't need that mess. Think of these months as a sebbatical from your H.