Author Topic: MLC Monster How do I deal with the rapid change of Love to Hate?  (Read 1658 times)

Offline Anjae

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MLC Monster Re: How do I deal with the rapid change of Love to Hate?
« Reply #10 on: February 11, 2018, 06:37:55 PM »
How do I deal with my H's utter Hatred of me?  Have any of you found success with not taking it personally?

Yes. But it wasn't easy and for many of us it took a long time. Also, it is easier when the MLCer is not around.

Now his whole face has changed towards utter hatred of me.  I have never seen this face on him before.  Every email, every text, reeks with hate and rage.

Had to deal with Mr J and his anger, mostly e-mails and internet chat, since I left 7 months after BD, for years. I start to cut contact more and more with him. Also had to deal with it on his crazy court cases, but those, hurtful they were, were just pieces of paper. Nothing ever happened.

I know intellectually (or at least I keep trying to tell myself) that this is about his own self loathing and depression, but it is sooooooooo hard not to take it personally.  If someone can turn this quickly on you, what in life can you depend on? 

Knowing intellectually doesn't change reality, the hurt, the problems that come with having a very angry spouse that hates us. Even because, other than detach the best we manage, there is little to nothing we can do.

I really fear for what my boys are learning from all this.

I am really sorry for those of you that have an angry, hateful MLCer around. It is hell. And there are no magical solutions.

Once I tried "I'm sorry you feel that way" with Mr J. All hell broke loose. Never used it again.

A teenager is easy compared with an angry, nasty, sometimes even violent, MLCer. Teenagers do not have the power and money MLCer have. Nor do they inflict the same type of damage. MLCers are adults.

I have never seen a teenager like Mr J. Nor do I know any teenager that has remained the same angry, still in crisis person, 11 and counting years down the road.
Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together. (Marilyn Monroe)

Offline 1phoenix

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Re: How do I deal with the rapid change of Love to Hate?
« Reply #11 on: February 11, 2018, 11:21:03 PM »
Another lifeline coming up........

You can depend on you in this life. Only you. Should always have been only you and should always be only you. 

If you are talking trust, well that has to be rebuilt. Your 22 years are the foundation if you get a chance. 

Everything is possible.

Realize that what is spewing out of him is contempt. Mostly at himself. There will be some at you.  But if you truly listen to the words, can you understood his point of view?

Do you want to know his point of view?   If you do, then in my opinion, listen different.  Hear him with your head not your heart.  That my friend will open a whole new world for you.

Change your perspective, change your feelings.

Hugs
1p
I learned that courage was not the absence of fear, but the triumph over it. The brave man is not he who does not feel afraid, but he who conquers that fear — Nelson Mandela

I never lose.  I either win or learn! - Nelson Mandela

For we have fallen from our shelves, To face the truth about ourselves.  "The Gift", Annie Lennox

"You must do the thing you think you cannot do."  Eleanor Roosevelt

Grace makes beauty out of ugly things.  U2 "Grace"

We have all been dealt a hand of cards in this game of life.   Are you going to play or fold?

"Train yourself to let go of everything you fear to lose." Yoda

Offline MCSINME

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Re: How do I deal with the rapid change of Love to Hate?
« Reply #12 on: February 12, 2018, 03:41:37 AM »
1P:  GREAT post!  I think it's so hard to objectively listen when they're criticizing us, but there is so much we can learn from it, if I retrospectively think about it.

MCS

Offline FamilyIsMyGoalTopic starter

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Re: How do I deal with the rapid change of Love to Hate?
« Reply #13 on: February 12, 2018, 06:05:59 AM »
There is so much wisdom and comfort here.  Thank you all for posting.  Even knowing I'm not alone in this is great comfort. 

Legal stuff is coming soon and I will have to face him.  At least there will be "referees" to witness his rage.  I will work very hard on detachment and realizing this is his $h!te (mainly).  Yes, some of the stuff is mine and I have owned it and am working very hard on it.  But he tries to blame me for everything.  No longer going to work. 

FiMG, this for me was the most confusing thing post bomb drop. I had a first grader and my ex was treating me with a cold hate that still takes my breath away. I felt confused and overwhelmed and at times almost like a character in a story being attacked by an evil force with a face.
Like many people here, my mind attempted to make sense. I think that this is very honest, generous, and kind hearted, but ultimately misguided. That level of cruelty never makes sense and is never merited. You don’t deserve it, no one does.

In the beginning I was internalizing it all!  It is still utterly shocking, but it's so foreign that I am beginning to see that it is his sh*t. 

Yes, Velika, it takes my breath away!  For 22 years, I never ever saw his face like this with anyone.

Thank you all for the comfort and the articles.  MCSINME, that was a link to a thread.  Did you want me to read the thread or was there an article in there?

Barbie, this is an article that I am going to read over and over again. 

Honestly, I am going to constantly need reminders for awhile that this is not about me, because he sure wants to make it about me!  So I will continue to post here.  Hugs and Prayers for all of us!
Divorce Bomb August 6, 2017
Married 19 years
Together 22 years
Physically separated - he's 15 miles away
Collaborative Divorce in process (to protect myself)
I don't think I'm standing, but who knows what the future brings.
Two Teenage boys
Me: 55
H 58
OW? I don't know - probably plural

Offline MCSINME

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Re: How do I deal with the rapid change of Love to Hate?
« Reply #14 on: February 13, 2018, 03:49:17 PM »
FIMG:  It was about detaching, I think.  There are "rules" listed in there that really helped me but you may have it figured out already.
Hugs
MCS

Offline FamilyIsMyGoalTopic starter

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Re: How do I deal with the rapid change of Love to Hate?
« Reply #15 on: February 15, 2018, 04:35:26 PM »
Thanks MCS!  I can always use those hugs.

I think I mentioned that I'm doing a process that's relatively new in my area called "collaborative divorce".  Which is in between mediation and litigation.  One great aspect of this type of divorce is that you have a "team" including a therapist, a child advocate and a financial person.  (Believe it or not, this is still cheaper than litigation!)

Anyway I met with the therapist who is also a Psychiatrist.  She said she had a convo with my H to set up his appt., and just based on his pressured angry style of speaking and that he verbally attacked her, she is wondering if he is bipolar!  I told her that I have been thinking that, but he has no diagnosis.

I do think he has some sort of disorder and have thought that for awhile.  But, he always blames me for everything!  And I really bought into it.  I really internalized that.  So now, in the divorce, we are going to have actual referees.  I always wanted that in the marriage, because he really altered reality in my opinion.  I felt like I was getting gaslighted.

So I am going to have professional witnesses to Monster. 

I didn't want this divorce but he kept pushing me to settle everything between us to keep down legal fees.  I finally ended up going to a lawyer to protect myself. 

He has always been volatile and if he truly is bipolar going through an MLC, well I will tell you, the rage is something to see.  (Not physical - don't worry)

It is heartbreaking and I still hang on to those threads of hope that somehow it will all work out.

 My fantasy is he finally crashes, realizes he has problems, goes to rehab, gets on appropriate medication, begs for forgiveness and swears he will continue to work hard on himself to save our marriage and family. 

I think I might want to buy a lottery ticket instead!  This has been some journey!  Please walk with me because I am going to need some help!

Divorce Bomb August 6, 2017
Married 19 years
Together 22 years
Physically separated - he's 15 miles away
Collaborative Divorce in process (to protect myself)
I don't think I'm standing, but who knows what the future brings.
Two Teenage boys
Me: 55
H 58
OW? I don't know - probably plural

Offline Mortesbride

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Re: How do I deal with the rapid change of Love to Hate?
« Reply #16 on: February 16, 2018, 09:11:42 AM »

My fantasy is he finally crashes, realizes he has problems, goes to rehab, gets on appropriate medication, begs for forgiveness and swears he will continue to work hard on himself to save our marriage and family. 

I think I might want to buy a lottery ticket instead!  This has been some journey!  Please walk with me because I am going to need some help!

Where can I collect one of them too?  ;)

Offline Anjae

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Re: How do I deal with the rapid change of Love to Hate?
« Reply #17 on: February 16, 2018, 06:05:49 PM »
Anyway I met with the therapist who is also a Psychiatrist.  She said she had a convo with my H to set up his appt., and just based on his pressured angry style of speaking and that he verbally attacked her, she is wondering if he is bipolar!  I told her that I have been thinking that, but he has no diagnosis.

MLC mimics bipolar. Therapist and/or psychiatrist will often think a MLCer is bipolar, sometimes going so far as diagnosing them as such and medicate them for bipolar.

They did it with my cousin that had MLC (a mild one). After he had been diagnosed with every other mental illness in the book. He had none, it was
"just" MLC.

Even if your husband truly has bipolar, that does not exclude MLC. OldPilot's mother is bipolar and she had a MLC.

He has always been volatile and if he truly is bipolar going through an MLC, well I will tell you, the rage is something to see.  (Not physical - don't worry)

Bipolar can be put on treatment (currently, there is no cure). MLC cannot. The rage some MLCer have is something, for a few, including physical.

My fantasy is he finally crashes, realizes he has problems, goes to rehab, gets on appropriate medication, begs for forgiveness and swears he will continue to work hard on himself to save our marriage and family. 

At this point, I would be happy with crashes, realises has problems, looks for professional help. Plus, gives back all the money owned, my belongings and starts being nice and civil. Those would be major, useful improvements.

I think I might want to buy a lottery ticket instead!  This has been some journey!  Please walk with me because I am going to need some help!

Sometimes I play on the EuroMillions.  ::) We're walking along with you.
Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together. (Marilyn Monroe)

Offline FamilyIsMyGoalTopic starter

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Re: How do I deal with the rapid change of Love to Hate?
« Reply #18 on: February 17, 2018, 06:34:02 AM »
Thanks Anjae! This is quite the journey.  Now he wants to take my 14 year old to Japan to a funeral of someone close to him.  My son wants to go because he loves Japan, but I definitely don't want him to go!  H is way too unstable right now.  God willing the lawyers will help us sort it out.  H is so fricken pushy.  Always has been.  But back when he loved me (last year), he would take my opinion into consideration.  Now he just wants to steam roll me.
Divorce Bomb August 6, 2017
Married 19 years
Together 22 years
Physically separated - he's 15 miles away
Collaborative Divorce in process (to protect myself)
I don't think I'm standing, but who knows what the future brings.
Two Teenage boys
Me: 55
H 58
OW? I don't know - probably plural

Offline OneHotMess

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Re: How do I deal with the rapid change of Love to Hate?
« Reply #19 on: February 17, 2018, 11:54:30 AM »
Thanks Anjae! This is quite the journey.  Now he wants to take my 14 year old to Japan to a funeral of someone close to him.  My son wants to go because he loves Japan, but I definitely don't want him to go!  H is way too unstable right now.  God willing the lawyers will help us sort it out.  H is so fricken pushy.  Always has been.  But back when he loved me (last year), he would take my opinion into consideration.  Now he just wants to steam roll me.

Unfortunately, I know what you mean. I have been in quite a pickle with my h and his choice of “significant other”. He doesn’t understand that he is making bad choices that makes me and everyone sane wonder if he can be trusted with the kids. I hope the lawyers can help you too. I couldn’t have done this without my lawyers.
M 40
H 41
Ow 41( his 1st cousin) moved in May 23, 2017, she went back to her husband Oct 2017
Ow moved back with her 2 kids Jan 1 2018 even with courts cutting his visitation with his kids because of it
T-19 yr M-14 yrs
S13 & D7
BD  February 12 2017 & April 22 2017 (signs of MLC since 2015)
I filed for divorce June 2 2017 for protection- final August 9, 2018

http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8791.0
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8948.0
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