Author Topic: My Story ME  (Read 1952 times)

Online stillbaffled

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 3796
  • Gender: Female
My Story Re: ME
« Reply #30 on: April 20, 2018, 08:00:16 PM »
I always look for an update from you, 1T.  Thanks for sharing.
After all, tomorrow is another day.
Together 16 years - married 6
BD - 1/1/16
His divorce final 7/16
Married OW - 7/17
a consistent semi-vanisher in the same small town

Offline The lighthouse

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 3843
  • Gender: Female
Re: ME
« Reply #31 on: April 21, 2018, 07:46:47 PM »
Thanks for sharing that wonderful, heartfelt post with us 1T. 

I can feel the sadness and the love pouring from your post and I just want to say I understand.  WE understand.  Tomorrow is another day and next week is another week and you will get through them too. 

Big hugs to you and to J. xx
M 1992
BD June 2011
Still with OW - No legal action

I am the lighthouse. I don't go out into the storm after the ship.  The ship finds me.

Offline Anjae

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 13752
  • Gender: Female
Re: ME
« Reply #32 on: April 22, 2018, 06:05:59 PM »
Thank you for the heartfelt post, 1trouble.
Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together. (Marilyn Monroe)

Offline xyzcf

  • Moderator
  • Hero Member
  • *
  • Posts: 9134
  • Gender: Female
Re: ME
« Reply #33 on: April 22, 2018, 06:54:40 PM »
1trouble, although your post has me crying, because I can relate to so much of what you wrote, you also brought up something that gave me a bit of hope...this "dark" time they enter into...perhaps, that is what is happening now as he is further away then he has ever been.

Regardless, I continue to find who xyzcf is, I am looking for a life where my days are peaceful, where I smile at so many wonderful things.

The anniversary dates are rough.

Take good care 1 trouble.
"Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see" Hebrews 11:1

"You enrich my life and are a source of joy and consolation to me. But if I lose you, I will not, I must not spend the rest of my life in unhappiness."

" The truth does not change according to our ability to stomach it". Flannery O'Connor
The Hero's Spouse Mission Statement
Survival Instructions for Newbies
The Mentor Program
Report Technical Problems

Online OneHotMess

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 511
  • Gender: Female
  • What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger!!
Re: ME
« Reply #34 on: April 22, 2018, 07:10:44 PM »
1T, thanks for all of your great updates. As I am here bawling my eyes out, I can’t help but feel we are in the same frame of mind. I really hope he gets through this dark period and you get to see the man you love again.
M 40
H 41
Ow 41( his 1st cousin) moved in May 23, 2017, she went back to her husband Oct 2017
Ow moved back with her 2 kids Jan 1 2018 even with courts cutting his visitation with his kids because of it
T-19 yr M-14 yrs
S13 & D7
BD  February 12 2017 & April 22 2017 (signs of MLC since 2015)
I filed for divorce June 2 2017 for protection- still pending. Final hearing July 11 (our 20th anniversary of dating)

Offline 1troubleTopic starter

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 1749
  • Gender: Female
Re: ME
« Reply #35 on: June 14, 2018, 02:18:53 AM »

I thought I would update my own page............its been a while........

I last posted just before what would have been our 13th wedding anniversary but because of the divorce ended up being our
1st non wedding anniversary....and I hadnt heard or spoken to H since mid February

J (the dog) was quite poorly around that time due to his arthritis and his joints literally seized up caused by what I now know was a new joint supplement not giving him all that he needed and an adverse reaction to another was a very stressful time seeing him suffer and not even being able to get himself up and at one point, not even being able to get in the car (I had to take a video of how bad he was to the vets as I couldn't get him there) :'(
I had slept on the settee night after night, still am for a few hours until he goes to sleep and I would do anything for my beautiful boy but the worry for me was I was having to help him get up all the time (he couldn't even change position at one point) and as I fractured my lumbar region last year I am suppose to really be careful with lifting and it was taking its toll on me................why am I telling you all this?
Because I have never came quite so close to resenting H, even hating him at some points for his choices and leaving both of us to fend for ourselves....

And then on our wedding anniversary the midst of all this....he texts me saying
'I just want you to know I love you both now and always x'

It made me angry and I wanted to go back and text ..."so if you mean that why are you marrying that nutter on my dads birthday?
Why are you not here helping me, if you love us both why did you divorce me?'

but there is little point, because it solves nothing, you wont get any answers and it makes them completely run I just ignored it.

And that was that for a while......Jet made a great recover thankfully but he can no longer do the stairs and come to bed with as I said earlier I spend the first hour or two on the settee until he goes to sleep (like having a child) and then I creep upstairs to bed..

I have been working a lot it is wedding and prom season which means both my business (I sell sparkly jewellery for special occasion wear) and my part time job (marrying people) means it is a very busy time of year......

I have been out from time to time but not much because of work and Jet ..........and tbh I go through phases where I just want to stay in my bubble......I went away in March to stay with my best friend and her H (they were very close to H) it was bittersweet as it brought back a lot of memories we use to stay there a lot and since this has happened I haven't been to her house she has always come to me.....there are genuine reasons for 2016 Jet lost his toe and it went on for months and last year my back fracture meant I couldn't sleep in anything but a hard bed and I had to sit on a garden chair for months......but it was also avoidance to be fair...

But I do find as time goes on I am moving more into an accepting stage .............though it is still mixed with some sort of shock that this is how we ended up

My best friend come to stay at the weekend and after a few drinks we got on and looked at OW's fakebook page and its full of the same $hite......silly quotes saying what day it is
like 'yippee its friday'......Wednesday is called hump day so there is a picture of a camel........
Then there is the makeup promotions and filtered photos of her......(I really think, she thinks she looks like that.....) a Michael Jackson nose, very smooth skin bright eyes........but stupidly she then puts up a video of her giving a makeup lesson!! which shows the jowly puffy real her, she has the most tedious voice, there is no enthusiasm in what she is doing and I really do think I am right about her being sociopathic........she clearly suffers from low mood or lack of emotions......

Then of course there is the 'wedding' posts......practically every other day......she is going to the gym to get a wedding bod (its not working!!) :-\
She had her wedding dress altered (probably been let out!) :D ;D
Her maid of honour is a girl she works with (she's only worked at this company for 15 months and has no friends)
She is counting down the days...............just like she did when she married her last husband 5 years ago

The funny thing is her reviews.....there are 4 in for the makeup she is selling...........another for a botox shop where is is complaining because it made her eye lid droop and apparently she states she has had loads of botox and never had this reaction (it might explain her emotionless face but its not making her look any younger)
and the last two reviews are for the wedding planner who helped her plan her last wedding in Greece and the wedding dress show for her forthcoming wedding........ridiculous....

She has no life really.......they (her and H rarely go out) because when they do its on there.....there are very few pics of him and her (2 in the last 5 months) in one he is clearly drunk and in the other he looks much older and very drawn...........

Whilst my best friend was here the other day I got a text from an old friend who I hadn't spoken too for 4 years........
Long story short.....he worked for me at the end of the 1990's it was a lovely job with lovely people and my friend ended up meeting his wife at the company too.......... but the company closed and we were all made redundant and went our separate ways though some of us kept in touch...he was an IT whizz and went on to have his own small company and he built my website and did any IT stuff for my little company, he became a good friend of me and H......he had some tough times ......he lost his home and his company and I hlped him giving him work I didn't really need, H  helped him too....and when he was back on his feet and even working hard in a new job he still did my IT stuff and was there no matter what.......

Anyway, my company started to build up and I needed some help and he suggested his wife (I was a bit wary because although she wasn't part of our IT team - she worked on another floor) I knew her and she had a rep of being a bit of a was well known that she bossed him - even though he was 6ft 4 and she was 4ft 10...............but she really wasn't someone I would like to get on the wrong side of.....

Anyway I said I would try her out on a small piece of work and she was very quick and very clever.......and seemed to have mellowed over the I taught her more and more and my company started to grow very quickly ....H told me not to trust her, but I reminded H that I had known her H for 16 years and he had proved trustworthy...if I had known what I know now I would have realised she was a borderline personality but I didn't know about that then and she sucked me in, she was sooooo helpful...she was so accommodating and she was full of stories about her difficult childhood and the awful things she had gone through and I took it all in and felt sorry for her and trusted her (even though I had seen the way she had been with my friend over the years ,,checking up on him constantly, throwing him out, ................sot H was right and within 14 months she nicked my top suppliers and set up in business against me....................I was devastated and sacked her and of course that was the end of my relationship with both of them.........It was a hard time ....and it was June 2014 .....a few months later H would be displaying signs of MLC.........

So I got this text message asking me to consider talking to him he said he wanted to put right a wrong and to bring me up to speed with something that should have happened long ago.......
So he came round on Sunday and apologised for what happened and that he had left her (after 20 years) and was in the process of divorce...............and he went on to tell me a sorry tale of the abuse he had suffered which didn't surprise me in some ways but horrified me in others because he had put up with this for years.....I will document it another time because it shows just how crazy these OW are and I know that its the sort of relationship my own H is in..........

Anyway I was able to help my friend because of what I have researched and I was able to listen without judgement because I understood how he had been conditioned over the years.....he cried a lot which I think will help him and he is only 41 so I am very hopeful he will be able to find (in time) someone who will really love him the way he deserves to be loved because he is a very kind caring person......

On Monday I got a text from H....he said I think I had a missed call from you....are you everything alright

I wasn't going to ignore this one...........and so I decided to send him a video of J at hydrotherapy (We had often talked over the years of taking him but for some reason never did) so I sent it to him saying we were ok and said how J had been poorly a while back and it ws so lovely to see him swimming and I knew he was the one person in the world who loved him as I did and I thought he would like to see it ...........

I heard nothing back at about 6 hours later I text him askign if he saw it

he came back saying it made him cry but in a good way, that J was so lucky to have a mum like me and no matter what happens I should hold my head up high because I had given him the best life..take care H x

I saw so much regret and guilt and shame in that text I decided to call him and we talked.....the first thing I said was he had also give J a great life for years and he shouldn't forget was obvious he had looked at the video of ages and with the sound right up because he had heard every word I had said to J encouraging him to swim........he said he thought why didn't we take him there years ago....and I said I had the same thought....he said do you remember I went to the place to find out all about it...why didn't we take him.....
I told him about J not being too well a while back and also about me sleeping on the settee until he goes to sleep...he was concered for my broken sleep ....I said it doesn't worry me as long as he is ok....I said his van was going up for sale this week (not to pay toward my new bathroom - that was out the window now as I had used the money for J) and I needed the money from the van sale to pay for what J needed going forward...
It still has an electrical fault and I said I was going to sell it with the fault to jsut get the money rather than spend any more money trying to solve it.....he offered to get a mechanic to look at it before I put it up for sale and said he would phone me mid week (I havent heard from him yet)
I asked him how he was and he said ok but quickly asked how I was so to close that convo down...

I told him abotu our friend coming round and what he had put up with over the years and how brave he had been to leave and I ws so pleased for him and also that I had said to him how strong he was to contact me to apologise..........and how grateful I was that he had done that.....

I told H one or two incidents that he had gone through (Which I know H has also gone through ) he was silent ....
I also said how our friend said he had wasted 20 years and so wished he had the strength to walk away before......

He said he would call midweek about the mechanic and I said he would need to sign the transfer doc (log book) for the van so I could sell it and also I had the transfer doc for the caravan here (it was in the finance agreement for the divorce that its his)
he said lets sort the van out first.

 Anyway we ended the phone call with he would be in touch this week.........but it felt so strange because he really is in a different phase of this......
I can see so clearly that he is in the dark period that Busybee talks about where the depression ways them down and its like a thick cloak of inertia he seems resigned to his life with her now....there is no high when we talk and I think thats a good thing....even if it is very sad...

For a long time if we hadnt been in touch when we got in touch again I knew he ws excited relieved and well.....high ...but this time from me not OW......
It was clear for years he has been cycling and even though I have left him alone for months at a time ...although I could see changes.....there was this high and he immediately talked about coming back and then would come forward to leave again.......but I can see all this was, was not only the fog clearing a bit BUT also he was now getting a high from thinkign of changing his life with OW back to me (it is a similar thing to those who actually leave OW for a while - in my case he has never left her for moer than a night)..

So now after 4 months of no contact (apart from his text message on our non anniversary) he asks if I am ok and I send him a text that makes him cry and I think fills him with regret and sadness BUT I get the feeling he doesn't want to see me or Jet and he is keeping away......I think he is more depressed than before because not even contact from me is helping him....there was no reply to the video yet it badly effected him.........I dont think he would have told me it upset him if I hadn't asked if he had got it....

I sense he is in another phase of this by his demeanor and non action and clearly wanting to stay away....yet caring enough that we are ok, checking to see I am there and I think being more ashamed of not being there for J or for me 

I also think my MLC'er is not like some on here he had little self esteem before all this and I think he is now empty......people say on here you shouldn't tell them you love them......I think you go with your intuition and 
and so after I put the phone down and reflected on the call I found it sad that I was pretending to be ok and so was he but I still love him and I know he loves me.....BUT he is IN CRISIS .....he told me via that text message on our anniversary that he loved me and so I decided to text him and tell him
I love you..........just that...............nothing more.....I felt it was important he knew that.........because I have nothing to lose anymore

I didn't get a reply that night but the next morning early I got 'I love you more.....'

And so thats my update......the wedding takes place end of July on my dads birthday.....nothing I can do but pray for him and for both of us and keep doing what I am doing getting through each day.....
"I can't go back to yesterday I was a different person then"..............Alice in Wonderland

you NEVER know how strong you are, until being strong is the ONLY choice you have"

Offline hopeandfaith

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 1701
  • Gender: Female
    • Clare Brown Life Coach
Re: ME
« Reply #36 on: June 14, 2018, 04:21:53 AM »
So proud of you T.  I saw beautiful Jet on your video.  He is a handsome boy and he looked so happy.

I am glad to see some movement from H.  Even though he seems sadder, I can see why you think its a good thing.

BD's in May 09, Sept 12 - suspected OW
Left home Jan 12 2013
OW confirmed Feb 2013
Moved home April 11 2014
BD again in April 2017 - clinging. 
Moved out July 2017
D18, D16 and S14

Offline Puzzled

  • MLCer Type: Low-Energy
  • Sr. Member
  • *
  • Posts: 353
  • Gender: Female
Re: ME
« Reply #37 on: June 14, 2018, 05:28:45 AM »
Thank you, 1trouble, for your update.  It is very interesting -- and baffling -- that there is such a discrepancy with MLCers in what they say and do.  I like very much how you interact with your H and how you can leave negative emotions that are welling up out of your interactions.

Best wishes to you and J., and your H!
Me: 46 (43 at BD1)
H: 52 (48 at BD1)
D: 10 (6 at BD1)
Met in 1995, married since 2000
BD 1: August 2014
BD 2: October 2015, moved abroad

Online Thunder

  • Moderator
  • Hero Member
  • *
  • Posts: 17471
  • Gender: Female
Re: ME
« Reply #38 on: June 14, 2018, 05:59:37 AM »
Thanks for the update, 1t.

Man, this just goes to show you how very long this crisis can last.  The depression is till following him around, like a dark shadow.

I'm glad you sent him the video of J.  I'm sure it brought back many memories for him.

Not that it will probably change anything, I don't think anything will change until he marries her and realizes it did not help with his depression.  Then what?

Well you just keep taking good care of yourself, 1t.  You've been doing good.
With her permission, a quote from a recovered MLCer: 
From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did.

Offline Still Half full

  • Sr. Member
  • ****
  • Posts: 303
  • Gender: Female
Re: ME
« Reply #39 on: June 14, 2018, 02:55:20 PM »
I always like to read your updates 1T, your understanding and compassion shines out from your posts, but it's good that you don't let that compassion drag you back into the mire, you just show him reality and step back and leave him to work it out himself

You remind me to be compassionate because I have to remember my H is suffering from ML depression, he's not a bad man, he's done a bad thing then dealt with it appallingly, and because he's not a bad man he can't cope with what he's done or how he's dealt with things, so he doesn't.  He thinks he's getting what he deserves, but it's also easier for him to stay on this path with ow.  He once told me that he couldn't think about me because if he did he knew he would have a breakdown. I didn't realise it would go on for so long, but MLC depression is deep

Thank you for reminding me, your H shows some insights and it's really good of you to share them with us. I think you deal with this difficult situation so well and I also love how you care for J, he's a lucky boy. Our fluffy friends give us so much comfort and joy

Keep being you 1T 😊
At BD June 2015
Me - 49
MLCH - 50
No children, unfortunately
OW - yes
Together 26 years, married 23
BD - told him to leave, OW left her H, they ran away together
Nov 2015 - H left OW as he wanted to return, lived locally while we tried
April 2016 - told him it wasn't working
Aug 2016 - H living with ow again
MLC H - not quite a vanishers, more a Hider, very little contact


SMF spam blocked by CleanTalk
Legal Disclaimer
The information contained within The Hero's Spouse website family (, and associated subdomains), (collectively 'website') is provided as general information and is not intended to be a substitute for professional legal, medical or mental health advice or treatment for specific medical conditions. The Hero's Spouse cannot be held responsible for the use of the information provided. The Hero's Spouse recommends that you consult a trained medical or mental health professional before making any decision regarding treatment of yourself or others. The Hero's Spouse recommends that you consult a legal professional for specific legal advice.

Any information, stories, examples, articles, or testimonials on this website do not constitute a guarantee, or prediction regarding the outcome of an individual situation. Reading and/or posting at this website does not constitute a professional relationship between you and the website author, volunteer moderators or mentors or other community members. The moderators and mentors are peer-volunteers, and not functioning in a professional capacity and are therefore offering support and advice based solely upon their own experience and not upon legal, medical, or mental health training.