Author Topic: My Story Walk away or hang in there?  (Read 3724 times)

Offline stephTopic starter

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My Story Walk away or hang in there?
« on: February 16, 2018, 09:58:34 AM »
My husband is in the throes of a midlife crisis (he’s 51 years old) – it’s been 4 and a half months since he informed me of an ongoing affair with a younger girl (it’s been going on for around 7 months now), she is 24 years old. We have been married for 25 years and up until this time we have always faced whatever life threw at us together.  In hindsight, over the last year he has done all the common midlife crisis things – anger, going out with a much younger crowd, recently spending money (mostly on his affair partner), drinking etc. After he told me about the affair he moved out and moved his job to another town. He said he was confused and couldn’t choose between us as he cared for us both. I made it clear that I could not be in a relationship with him while he was still in a relationship with the affair partner. Our contact over the last 4 and a half months has been limited and at times very emotional – also he is quite unresponsive and refuses to discuss anything in relation to our marriage. He has rewritten history and says that our marriage has been unhappy for the last year.  I honestly don’t recognise the man I see in front of me – he is tearful, anxious, and emotional. He doesn’t want to work on our marriage even though I have told him that I still love him and want our marriage to work; over the last few months he hasn’t shown any commitment to me (his commitment appears to be to his affair partner as he is taking her out for meals etc.).  I have deliberately not pressured him into making a choice and don’t ask him anything about his affair but I do know that she has moved her job to the town where my husband is working so I am assuming that it is still in full swing and that they are planning to move in together (into a house we jointly own).   Throughout this entire time, I have managed to maintain my dignity and self-respect but it has been really hard and I have been through a rollercoaster of emotions which has affected me physically and mentally. I have read a lot about midlife crisis and am aware that there is no “quick fix” to it. 2 weeks ago, after having a period of “no contact” with him (my choice due to ongoing stress levels and I wanted to give him some space and time),  I decided that the only way through this for both of us was to let go of him so he can find his own path forward (and I can find mine).  I met with him and explained that because I love and respect him, I need to accept his decision to walk a different path to me and as such I am letting him go so he can be happy and live his life the way he is choosing (but that the door is open for him to return at a later stage if he so wishes).  I have asked him to consider buying me out of the own jointly owned home or selling it as I need to buy my own home (also he has had her staying in the house with him so it has been difficult for me to feel comfortable there).  Although we have separated he hasn’t yet asked for a divorce (he has never told me that our marriage is over and continues to tell me that he loves me) and I am not planning to ask him for one either as I am still hoping for a reconciliation.
 
I have learnt a lot about myself over this time and have grown in so many ways – I have a new job which will require me to move a fair distance away from him (I need to get away from everything familiar to gain control), I have done all the practical things like finances, legal advice etc. so I am trying to move forward as much as I can.
 
What I would like to know from you is
 
·         do you think letting him go was the right thing as I am doubting this decision? ( I guess I fear that he won’t come back)
 
·         I am planning to move jobs and accommodation in the next few weeks – I haven’t yet told him that this is what is happening – do you think I should tell him? (He is able to reach me if he wants as he has my phone number)
 
I guess any other advice/suggestions will be appreciated.
 

Offline Thunder

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Re: Walk away or hang in there?
« Reply #1 on: February 16, 2018, 10:45:10 AM »
Hi steph,

I'm sorry you are going through this miserable time.  This Midlife Crisis is no fun and it seems to take a long time, so yes letting him go is the best thing you can do.  However I wouldn't have told him he can come back if he wants.
But that's done, so maybe don't tell him that again.  It's kind like giving him a green light....and you'll wait around.
Sorry.

I know this is hard, but it sounds like you're doing all the right things, and so early on.  Protecting your finances (big one), not talking about ow, no divorce talks and legal advice.  Good for you!

Did that legal advice say it was fine for her to live in your other house?   :o  That seems a bit much.

I would just suggest 2 things don't talk about your relationship.  It is just felt as pressure to them, just be light and friendly when you do talk to him.
Try detaching from him as much as you can.

You don't need to tell him anything you are doing.  He has your number to contact you.  Just do what ever is best for you.

Again, I'm sorry you find your self here, but you will get some nice support.  We all understand what you are going through.
Take good care of yourself, steph.
With her permission, a quote from a recovered MLCer: 
From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did.

Offline stephTopic starter

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MLC behaviours or am I going crazy??
« Reply #2 on: February 17, 2018, 02:38:18 AM »
Hi everyone

I am what is considered a "newbie" to the land of MLC (4 and a half months since BD) - husband (52yrs) has virtually done it all - ongoing affair (with someone 28 years younger), drinking, spending money, moved out into jointly owned house etc. I have managed to do all the practical things - finance, legal advice etc. but continue to struggle with the emotional side of this.  I have posted in the general page so my story is out there and I have had some excellent advice from Thunder (thank you). I feel sometimes like he is playing mind games with me and have gone NC to try protect myself however its hard to forget the things he has said so (just to make sure I am not going crazy) I just wanted to ask if the following behaviours are common in MLC:

- actions and words don't match - he says he loves me but continues to have the affair and separation
- failure to follow through on promises
- seems unable to make a decision
- cries when he sees me and says "all he can see is pain"
- seems to have no concept of time passing
- unable to have an in depth conversation about practical issues  - is withdrawn and unresponsive

Thoughts anyone??




Offline stephTopic starter

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Re: Walk away or hang in there?
« Reply #3 on: February 17, 2018, 02:47:21 AM »
Thank for your advice Thunder - much appreciated.

 In relation to the AP moving into our jointly owned home, my lawyer says there isn't anything I can do about it which is why I am keen to either get it sold or for him to buy me out. I know you said not to ask any questions as its perceived as "pressure" from the MLCer. What are your thoughts on asking him about whether he has done anything in relation to selling the house/buying me out as I am afraid that if I just let that lie he will never get around to sorting it. 

I am trying to detach but am finding it very hard - the only thing that keeps me focused is that I have a new job to go to which will take me away from familiar environments (with bad memories).


Offline Treasur

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Re: Walk away or hang in there?
« Reply #4 on: February 17, 2018, 03:10:43 AM »
In my experience, 'asking' rarely produces anything useful...they feel pressured and either say they don't know or suddenly come up with a solution that is a) ridiculous and b) all about them.

Which means you need to propose/tell instead...which means you need to be very clear about what you need, want and why...and all the potential consequences that might unfold or how one decision might connect to another. So, for example, I decided to put our home up for sale because I reached a point where it made no sense to keep our home 'waiting' for him and MLC H said yes (because he wanted the money) but assumed I had to stay there until it was sold. I then realised for my mental health that I needed to move out and rent somewhere which had financial implications obviously and also really meant a new home that had no H in it. More pros than cons in my case, but there are implications of my choice.

What is this about for you really? Ow living there? Money? Risk management? Punishing him? Why does it matter?
And the wider effects? On your main home? Benefits of the money? What might H do in reaction and where will he live? Legal and tax implications? What if he doesn't agree? Or wants to buy it from you?

It's incredibly hard post-BD to do your best thinking and to balance putting yourself first vs not wanting to shut the door on any possible reconciliation. My only advice is think slowly, look at every angle, be really honest about what's driving you and have all your mental ducks lined up in a row before you even raise the subject with your H.
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD)
No kids.
BD Oct 15. OW since Apr 16?
H filed Jan 17. Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.

Grateful for any appearance of the tiny karma bus  
"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline Treasur

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Re: MLC behaviours or am I going crazy??
« Reply #5 on: February 17, 2018, 03:12:11 AM »
All pretty textbook, I'm afraid.
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD)
No kids.
BD Oct 15. OW since Apr 16?
H filed Jan 17. Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.

Grateful for any appearance of the tiny karma bus  
"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline Thunder

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Re: Walk away or hang in there?
« Reply #6 on: February 17, 2018, 03:36:42 AM »
steph, my thinking is you don't ask questions about the marriage or his personal things/thoughts, but I don't think talking about the house is one of them.  That's marital property/business.

Sometimes financial questions need to be asked.  Just as questions about kids would be fine to ask about.

He may not like it, but you have a right to know what is to be done about the house if the ow is living in it.

Detaching is very hard steph, and takes a long time.  You'll get there but it will take you more time.
Just detach as much as you can right now, and concentrate on yourself.
I'm glad your new job will help with that.   :)
With her permission, a quote from a recovered MLCer: 
From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did.

Offline Thunder

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Re: Walk away or hang in there?
« Reply #7 on: February 17, 2018, 03:38:50 AM »
I very much liked Treasur's suggestion on how to handle the house issue.
With her permission, a quote from a recovered MLCer: 
From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did.

Offline OldPilot

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Re: Walk away or hang in there?
« Reply #8 on: February 17, 2018, 04:55:35 AM »
Welcome to the Board

You are in a good place.
Your H/W  is on his/her own journey.
You can not do anything to control this trip.
Come here and read or vent, we will listen.
Give your H/W space  he/she needs to heal himself/herself.

I would not ask him/her anything unless you can have no expectations.
Sometimes asking them questions will be thought of as pressure.
You do not want to do anything that can be thought of by your H/W as controlling or pressure.

Your need to start working on you.
There is nothing that you can do to help your H/W.

He/She has given you a gift.
It is time!!

Use the time wisely to make yourself a better person.
Look in the mirror to see what it is that you can improve.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
GAL.

Read some books on depression. Both for yourself! And for H/W.
Believe none of what he/she says and 50% of what he/she does.

Read the resources from this site.
The links that are in my signature.

Detach. - The single most important thing you can do

The detach link and HB's 6 stages of MLC(rewritten from Jim Conway) located in the resources above.
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=4.msg380#msg380

Developing Detachment
http://jamesjmessina.com/toolsforcontrolissues/developdetachment.html

http://www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com/self-focus_releasers_detach.html

http://www.livestrong.com/article/14712-developing-detachment/

Keep posting and asking questions and we will try to answer them.

Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon

Offline stephTopic starter

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Re: Walk away or hang in there?
« Reply #9 on: February 17, 2018, 05:19:57 AM »
Just wondering how they get space and time to work through their MLC if the AP is still on the scene?

 

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