Author Topic: My Story Walk away or hang in there?  (Read 3726 times)

Offline stephTopic starter

  • Jr. Member
  • **
  • Posts: 34
  • Gender: Female
My Story Walk away or hang in there?
« on: February 16, 2018, 09:58:34 AM »
My husband is in the throes of a midlife crisis (he’s 51 years old) – it’s been 4 and a half months since he informed me of an ongoing affair with a younger girl (it’s been going on for around 7 months now), she is 24 years old. We have been married for 25 years and up until this time we have always faced whatever life threw at us together.  In hindsight, over the last year he has done all the common midlife crisis things – anger, going out with a much younger crowd, recently spending money (mostly on his affair partner), drinking etc. After he told me about the affair he moved out and moved his job to another town. He said he was confused and couldn’t choose between us as he cared for us both. I made it clear that I could not be in a relationship with him while he was still in a relationship with the affair partner. Our contact over the last 4 and a half months has been limited and at times very emotional – also he is quite unresponsive and refuses to discuss anything in relation to our marriage. He has rewritten history and says that our marriage has been unhappy for the last year.  I honestly don’t recognise the man I see in front of me – he is tearful, anxious, and emotional. He doesn’t want to work on our marriage even though I have told him that I still love him and want our marriage to work; over the last few months he hasn’t shown any commitment to me (his commitment appears to be to his affair partner as he is taking her out for meals etc.).  I have deliberately not pressured him into making a choice and don’t ask him anything about his affair but I do know that she has moved her job to the town where my husband is working so I am assuming that it is still in full swing and that they are planning to move in together (into a house we jointly own).   Throughout this entire time, I have managed to maintain my dignity and self-respect but it has been really hard and I have been through a rollercoaster of emotions which has affected me physically and mentally. I have read a lot about midlife crisis and am aware that there is no “quick fix” to it. 2 weeks ago, after having a period of “no contact” with him (my choice due to ongoing stress levels and I wanted to give him some space and time),  I decided that the only way through this for both of us was to let go of him so he can find his own path forward (and I can find mine).  I met with him and explained that because I love and respect him, I need to accept his decision to walk a different path to me and as such I am letting him go so he can be happy and live his life the way he is choosing (but that the door is open for him to return at a later stage if he so wishes).  I have asked him to consider buying me out of the own jointly owned home or selling it as I need to buy my own home (also he has had her staying in the house with him so it has been difficult for me to feel comfortable there).  Although we have separated he hasn’t yet asked for a divorce (he has never told me that our marriage is over and continues to tell me that he loves me) and I am not planning to ask him for one either as I am still hoping for a reconciliation.
 
I have learnt a lot about myself over this time and have grown in so many ways – I have a new job which will require me to move a fair distance away from him (I need to get away from everything familiar to gain control), I have done all the practical things like finances, legal advice etc. so I am trying to move forward as much as I can.
 
What I would like to know from you is
 
·         do you think letting him go was the right thing as I am doubting this decision? ( I guess I fear that he won’t come back)
 
·         I am planning to move jobs and accommodation in the next few weeks – I haven’t yet told him that this is what is happening – do you think I should tell him? (He is able to reach me if he wants as he has my phone number)
 
I guess any other advice/suggestions will be appreciated.
 

Offline Thunder

  • Moderator
  • Hero Member
  • *
  • Posts: 17351
  • Gender: Female
Re: Walk away or hang in there?
« Reply #1 on: February 16, 2018, 10:45:10 AM »
Hi steph,

I'm sorry you are going through this miserable time.  This Midlife Crisis is no fun and it seems to take a long time, so yes letting him go is the best thing you can do.  However I wouldn't have told him he can come back if he wants.
But that's done, so maybe don't tell him that again.  It's kind like giving him a green light....and you'll wait around.
Sorry.

I know this is hard, but it sounds like you're doing all the right things, and so early on.  Protecting your finances (big one), not talking about ow, no divorce talks and legal advice.  Good for you!

Did that legal advice say it was fine for her to live in your other house?   :o  That seems a bit much.

I would just suggest 2 things don't talk about your relationship.  It is just felt as pressure to them, just be light and friendly when you do talk to him.
Try detaching from him as much as you can.

You don't need to tell him anything you are doing.  He has your number to contact you.  Just do what ever is best for you.

Again, I'm sorry you find your self here, but you will get some nice support.  We all understand what you are going through.
Take good care of yourself, steph.
With her permission, a quote from a recovered MLCer: 
From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did.

Offline stephTopic starter

  • Jr. Member
  • **
  • Posts: 34
  • Gender: Female
MLC behaviours or am I going crazy??
« Reply #2 on: February 17, 2018, 02:38:18 AM »
Hi everyone

I am what is considered a "newbie" to the land of MLC (4 and a half months since BD) - husband (52yrs) has virtually done it all - ongoing affair (with someone 28 years younger), drinking, spending money, moved out into jointly owned house etc. I have managed to do all the practical things - finance, legal advice etc. but continue to struggle with the emotional side of this.  I have posted in the general page so my story is out there and I have had some excellent advice from Thunder (thank you). I feel sometimes like he is playing mind games with me and have gone NC to try protect myself however its hard to forget the things he has said so (just to make sure I am not going crazy) I just wanted to ask if the following behaviours are common in MLC:

- actions and words don't match - he says he loves me but continues to have the affair and separation
- failure to follow through on promises
- seems unable to make a decision
- cries when he sees me and says "all he can see is pain"
- seems to have no concept of time passing
- unable to have an in depth conversation about practical issues  - is withdrawn and unresponsive

Thoughts anyone??




Offline stephTopic starter

  • Jr. Member
  • **
  • Posts: 34
  • Gender: Female
Re: Walk away or hang in there?
« Reply #3 on: February 17, 2018, 02:47:21 AM »
Thank for your advice Thunder - much appreciated.

 In relation to the AP moving into our jointly owned home, my lawyer says there isn't anything I can do about it which is why I am keen to either get it sold or for him to buy me out. I know you said not to ask any questions as its perceived as "pressure" from the MLCer. What are your thoughts on asking him about whether he has done anything in relation to selling the house/buying me out as I am afraid that if I just let that lie he will never get around to sorting it. 

I am trying to detach but am finding it very hard - the only thing that keeps me focused is that I have a new job to go to which will take me away from familiar environments (with bad memories).


Offline Treasur

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 3425
  • Gender: Female
Re: Walk away or hang in there?
« Reply #4 on: February 17, 2018, 03:10:43 AM »
In my experience, 'asking' rarely produces anything useful...they feel pressured and either say they don't know or suddenly come up with a solution that is a) ridiculous and b) all about them.

Which means you need to propose/tell instead...which means you need to be very clear about what you need, want and why...and all the potential consequences that might unfold or how one decision might connect to another. So, for example, I decided to put our home up for sale because I reached a point where it made no sense to keep our home 'waiting' for him and MLC H said yes (because he wanted the money) but assumed I had to stay there until it was sold. I then realised for my mental health that I needed to move out and rent somewhere which had financial implications obviously and also really meant a new home that had no H in it. More pros than cons in my case, but there are implications of my choice.

What is this about for you really? Ow living there? Money? Risk management? Punishing him? Why does it matter?
And the wider effects? On your main home? Benefits of the money? What might H do in reaction and where will he live? Legal and tax implications? What if he doesn't agree? Or wants to buy it from you?

It's incredibly hard post-BD to do your best thinking and to balance putting yourself first vs not wanting to shut the door on any possible reconciliation. My only advice is think slowly, look at every angle, be really honest about what's driving you and have all your mental ducks lined up in a row before you even raise the subject with your H.
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD)
No kids.
BD Oct 15. OW since Apr 16?
H filed Jan 17. Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.

Grateful for any appearance of the tiny karma bus  
"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline Treasur

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 3425
  • Gender: Female
Re: MLC behaviours or am I going crazy??
« Reply #5 on: February 17, 2018, 03:12:11 AM »
All pretty textbook, I'm afraid.
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD)
No kids.
BD Oct 15. OW since Apr 16?
H filed Jan 17. Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.

Grateful for any appearance of the tiny karma bus  
"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline Thunder

  • Moderator
  • Hero Member
  • *
  • Posts: 17351
  • Gender: Female
Re: Walk away or hang in there?
« Reply #6 on: February 17, 2018, 03:36:42 AM »
steph, my thinking is you don't ask questions about the marriage or his personal things/thoughts, but I don't think talking about the house is one of them.  That's marital property/business.

Sometimes financial questions need to be asked.  Just as questions about kids would be fine to ask about.

He may not like it, but you have a right to know what is to be done about the house if the ow is living in it.

Detaching is very hard steph, and takes a long time.  You'll get there but it will take you more time.
Just detach as much as you can right now, and concentrate on yourself.
I'm glad your new job will help with that.   :)
With her permission, a quote from a recovered MLCer: 
From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did.

Offline Thunder

  • Moderator
  • Hero Member
  • *
  • Posts: 17351
  • Gender: Female
Re: Walk away or hang in there?
« Reply #7 on: February 17, 2018, 03:38:50 AM »
I very much liked Treasur's suggestion on how to handle the house issue.
With her permission, a quote from a recovered MLCer: 
From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did.

Offline OldPilot

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 12296
  • Gender: Male
Re: Walk away or hang in there?
« Reply #8 on: February 17, 2018, 04:55:35 AM »
Welcome to the Board

You are in a good place.
Your H/W  is on his/her own journey.
You can not do anything to control this trip.
Come here and read or vent, we will listen.
Give your H/W space  he/she needs to heal himself/herself.

I would not ask him/her anything unless you can have no expectations.
Sometimes asking them questions will be thought of as pressure.
You do not want to do anything that can be thought of by your H/W as controlling or pressure.

Your need to start working on you.
There is nothing that you can do to help your H/W.

He/She has given you a gift.
It is time!!

Use the time wisely to make yourself a better person.
Look in the mirror to see what it is that you can improve.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
GAL.

Read some books on depression. Both for yourself! And for H/W.
Believe none of what he/she says and 50% of what he/she does.

Read the resources from this site.
The links that are in my signature.

Detach. - The single most important thing you can do

The detach link and HB's 6 stages of MLC(rewritten from Jim Conway) located in the resources above.
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=4.msg380#msg380

Developing Detachment
http://jamesjmessina.com/toolsforcontrolissues/developdetachment.html

http://www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com/self-focus_releasers_detach.html

http://www.livestrong.com/article/14712-developing-detachment/

Keep posting and asking questions and we will try to answer them.

Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon

Offline stephTopic starter

  • Jr. Member
  • **
  • Posts: 34
  • Gender: Female
Re: Walk away or hang in there?
« Reply #9 on: February 17, 2018, 05:19:57 AM »
Just wondering how they get space and time to work through their MLC if the AP is still on the scene?

Offline OldPilot

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 12296
  • Gender: Male
Re: Walk away or hang in there?
« Reply #10 on: February 17, 2018, 05:32:03 AM »
Just wondering how they get space and time to work through their MLC if the AP is still on the scene?
They affair partner is part of the crisis and the MLC'er falsely thinks that he needs an affair partner, until he comes to the realization that this is not the solution the crisis will continue.

You did not cause this and can not FIX this.

Step back and away and that will help to not slow down the crisis.

Offline stephTopic starter

  • Jr. Member
  • **
  • Posts: 34
  • Gender: Female
Midlife crisis crazy behaviour
« Reply #11 on: February 19, 2018, 10:29:01 PM »
Just a quick question.....after BD my spouse was extremely attentive and caring (guilt ridden no doubt). However, as I have gotten stronger and moved on,  he seems to be withdrawing from me ...reduced contact, unresponsive, sits and looks at me but says nothing. Is this part of crazy MLC behaviour???

Offline Whyus

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 2055
  • Gender: Male
Re: Midlife crisis crazy behaviour
« Reply #12 on: February 20, 2018, 02:49:19 AM »
Yes it sounds familiar Steph. As time passes they tend to think that everybody should just get over it already and accept the BS... even be happy for them  >:(.
If a Family member or Friend doesnt do this then they get thrown to one side, same as the LBS. We arent the only victims of MLC madness.
Married - 19,5 Years pre BD
Together - 21,5 Years
Me: 44
W: 44
BD 1: 10.01.2017
BD 2: 24.02.2017 OM 28. Trainings partner. Still together
2 Sons - 18 & 19
2 Dogs and a cat.
Own home . Sold!
Divorce Filed
T1  http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8671.0
T10. http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9547.0

Offline OldPilot

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 12296
  • Gender: Male
Re: Walk away or hang in there?
« Reply #13 on: February 20, 2018, 06:15:44 AM »
Threads merged - please try to stick to one thread until 150 posts - it makes it much easier to follow along that way.

Thank you

Offline Thunder

  • Moderator
  • Hero Member
  • *
  • Posts: 17351
  • Gender: Female
Re: Walk away or hang in there?
« Reply #14 on: February 20, 2018, 07:04:18 AM »
steph, him withdrawing is just part of the crisis.  The deeper they get into this the more they pull away.
It has nothing to do with you.

You just continue on getting stronger, he will be in this for quite some time.
Go do things that make you happy.
With her permission, a quote from a recovered MLCer: 
From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did.

Offline 1phoenix

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 897
  • Gender: Female
Re: Walk away or hang in there?
« Reply #15 on: February 20, 2018, 07:16:41 AM »
It is hard, but leaving them alone is great advice for a MLC.

You will get through. Most here have been in your place before so just keep asking questions and people will chime in.

Welcome to the gang no one wanted to join, but is a great gang of people from all different perspectives and walks of life.
I learned that courage was not the absence of fear, but the triumph over it. The brave man is not he who does not feel afraid, but he who conquers that fear — Nelson Mandela

I never lose.  I either win or learn! - Nelson Mandela

For we have fallen from our shelves, To face the truth about ourselves.  "The Gift", Annie Lennox

"You must do the thing you think you cannot do."  Eleanor Roosevelt

Grace makes beauty out of ugly things.  U2 "Grace"

We have all been dealt a hand of cards in this game of life.   Are you going to play or fold?

"Train yourself to let go of everything you fear to lose." Yoda

Offline If_only

  • Full Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 165
  • Gender: Female
Re: Walk away or hang in there?
« Reply #16 on: February 20, 2018, 09:17:10 AM »
Steph: am attaching and supporting you.  I did many of the same things as you and my h sounds similar.  It is very hard. Hugs;  IF

Offline Nerissa

  • Subscriber, 6 Month
  • Jr. Member
  • *
  • Posts: 56
  • Gender: Female
Re: Walk away or hang in there?
« Reply #17 on: February 21, 2018, 02:38:39 AM »
You seem to be doing very well.  Leaving him be is the answer as others have said. I didn’t manage this for far too long.  We were living in another country when BD happened so I stayed, hoping for a change.  Since I was there only for his work really, it increased my dependence and had only negative consequences.  I am so much better since I came to my home country, even though I don’t have a proper home.  And the contact we do have is healthier because of it.

It’s hard to imagine a relationship with such a young girl lasting very long, since she must have her own issues.  It also took me a long time to be able to focus on anything, but now that I am, my own life is better and if my husband were to want to come back I am genuinely strong enough to ask for things from him rather than just accepting him back.

I genuinely believe this kind of independence is helpful
Since for me, my dependence on him as a sahm and ‘trailing spouse’ seemed to be part of the problem.  So anything you can do to work towards having  that inner confidence is a bonus for you and perhaps for the marriage.

I would not be happy about ow living in a house I owned in case of possible future legal claims so I believe you are right to deal with that. 

You ask how they get space if loving with the ow.  I persuaded mine to stay and ‘give up’ The affair.  All that happened was that he remained obsessed and in contact and it affected me badly.  In the end he left and saw her a few times and it went nowhere (she was much younger too). So I wonder if this would all have been over much quicker had I let him go to experience the reality of his fantasy.

Indecision - yes - 18 months now of ‘I may return’

Time passing - yes - I pointed out that time was affecting his relationship with his daughters and I got a physics/Buddhist lecture about time not tbeing a real ‘thing’

Practical issues?  When I asked where he sees himself in 10 years :’Anything could happen’ .  And financially, we have rented two properties while leaving a very large house empty.  And he has no suggestions for moving on although I have this month asked for a meeting to sort this out by selling.

So please care for yourself and not him.

Offline UrsaMajor

  • Moderator
  • Hero Member
  • *
  • Posts: 5801
  • Gender: Male
  • You can't please everyone, you aren't a pizza
Re: Walk away or hang in there?
« Reply #18 on: February 21, 2018, 04:51:04 AM »
Quote
Time passing - yes - I pointed out that time was affecting his relationship with his daughters and I got a physics/Buddhist lecture about time not being a real ‘thing’

I am not sure if I want to laugh or cry at this... WTF? Does he think he's living in "The Matrix" or something?

If he wants to see how real time is, just let him not pay his utility bills on time ... When the lights go out, he will have a VERY rude introduction as to how time is, indeed, a real thing...

Steph, as OP and others have noted... Just step back from teh tornado and let it go... You can't fix it, you can't change it, you can't influence it except maybe to make it even longer.... and the only thing it will do for you is create more pain and anguish....
Me - 54
MLC - 47
Together 20 years - Married for 17 at separation
S - 11
D - 7
2 Canines (each of us has one)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold and separated - March 2016
Mid-Lifer is initiating D

Survival Instructions for Newbies
Site Map
 
A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Offline stephTopic starter

  • Jr. Member
  • **
  • Posts: 34
  • Gender: Female
Re: Walk away or hang in there?
« Reply #19 on: February 22, 2018, 10:50:37 AM »
Great advice from everyone but I am so full of self doubt about what I am doing. I guess it's because I am acting completely opposite to what comes naturally for me.....(I would the one pursuing). I leave him alone, if he texts me I keep my responses business like and to the point (no emotion). Got an email day before yesterday about our joint house (he is looking at buying me out) and he used the words "as you suggested" like it's my fault that the house needs to get sorted. Also in the email he stated that he knows I have plans but if he can do anything to help I must let him know, he talked about our dog (I have him) and how we need to discuss plans for him (said that the dog was his responsibility) - he hasn't really bothered about the dog in the last 4 months since "abandoning" all responsibility. It's almost like he is playing with me - reel me in...Let me out (backwards and forwards). It took all my efforts not to respond angrily - instead I made him wait a day before answering and then kept the email really short and only about the house - nothing about my plans or the dog. It's just that I wonder if I am doing the right thing when I long to share things with him but I am afraid of getting hurt - especially as the affair continues. Just ranting.......sorry.

Offline Thunder

  • Moderator
  • Hero Member
  • *
  • Posts: 17351
  • Gender: Female
Re: Walk away or hang in there?
« Reply #20 on: February 22, 2018, 11:30:23 AM »
Steph, don't ever be sorry.
We all felt terrible doing the opposite of what we would normally do.  The thing is your H is not acting or thinking normal, so you kind of need to treat him different.

Pursuing him is the last thing you want to do.  It only puts pressure on him.

Keep reading the articles on here, it will help explain things better.
With her permission, a quote from a recovered MLCer: 
From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did.

Offline Nerissa

  • Subscriber, 6 Month
  • Jr. Member
  • *
  • Posts: 56
  • Gender: Female
Re: Walk away or hang in there?
« Reply #21 on: February 22, 2018, 12:04:13 PM »
I think that according to advice , you re doing the right thing.  I tried to keep the door open andnin olcd him in family events which he liked and since I have stopped, he is sad about, but it kept me hooked, and I realised he felt I was demeaning myself.  I am due to see my H on a week or so.  I don’t know how it will be, but the physical detachment has strengthened me enormously.

AS long as it is clear we are going nowhere, they can prevaricate.  I understand the wish to share talk with him.  It is hard but I tried to find friend to chat to and I became used to it.


Offline stephTopic starter

  • Jr. Member
  • **
  • Posts: 34
  • Gender: Female
Re: Walk away or hang in there?
« Reply #22 on: February 26, 2018, 10:28:29 PM »
So, after another sleepless night, with thoughts going round and round in my head ( you all know how that feels), I am left with more questions than answers as I continue to try accept all that has happened over the last 5 months. Here are some questions which I am hoping you may be able to answer for me. 

- how can a person "erase" 30 years of history and marriage as though it never existed - it's like I don't exist for him anymore after he effectively just abandoned his old life to start a new one.

- he appeared to be withdrawing from me over the last few weeks now he is finding stupid reasons to email me - why can't he just go and be with the OW if that's what he has chosen? I have become wise to the contact now and stick purely to business (he asks how I am doing and about my family). 

- why is he spending money -I get that he will be trying to impress his OW but is it also a way of making himself feel better?

I feel stronger and that I am slowly detaching from the situation but I am starting to have doubts about how I feel about him......is that normal?

Hoping for some wise words from great people who are an inspiration........thank you. 

Offline UrsaMajor

  • Moderator
  • Hero Member
  • *
  • Posts: 5801
  • Gender: Male
  • You can't please everyone, you aren't a pizza
Re: Walk away or hang in there?
« Reply #23 on: February 27, 2018, 01:05:35 AM »
So, after another sleepless night, with thoughts going round and round in my head ( you all know how that feels), I am left with more questions than answers as I continue to try accept all that has happened over the last 5 months. Here are some questions which I am hoping you may be able to answer for me.

Oh Steph, welcome to the wonderful world of the LBS Monkey Brain.... Every single one of us has had these exact set of questions where the only thing different is the length of time our marriages lasted before BD.... 

I'll take a stab at answering and I am sure others will chime in as well.... 

- how can a person "erase" 30 years of history and marriage as though it never existed - it's like I don't exist for him anymore after he effectively just abandoned his old life to start a new one.

The short answer is "they can't." What the Mid-Lifer does is called compartmentalization... they shove all that away into a box and close it up so they do NOT have to face ANY unpleasant emotions from the past - guilt for destroying a long-term marriage, accountability for their actions... However, those memories are still there and, like acid put into a leaky container, little bits keep escaping and causing them pain, corroding their lives and following relationships (that is why the AD is doomed to die a horrible and ugly death at some point... Right now, he is stuffing everything into that box to avoid "feeling" 

- he appeared to be withdrawing from me over the last few weeks now he is finding stupid reasons to email me - why can't he just go and be with the OW if that's what he has chosen? I have become wise to the contact now and stick purely to business (he asks how I am doing and about my family). 

He wants to make sure that you are where he left you.. This is an anchor check.. The Mid-Lifer is spiraling out of control so they try to retain control over the one thing that was stable in their lives... us.... The biggest threat to the Mid-Lifer if they keep contact is that the LBS will grow forward and move on, leaving them totally adrift and accountable for their own stuff... As long as the LBS is ävailable" (hence the anchor check) to dump on, the Mid-Lifer goes off and does whatever they darn well please so they can get their next shot of "happy." After all, the LBS is sitting safely at home in a puddle of goo, crocheting lace doilies and waiting for the Mid-Lifer to return.... (in their minds).... 

- why is he spending money -I get that he will be trying to impress his OW but is it also a way of making himself feel better?

It gieves him a boost of pleasure/happy.... Yeah, he wants to impress the AD (Affair Down) but also buying himself toys gives him a boost of pleasure to cover over the negative emotions... 

I feel stronger and that I am slowly detaching from the situation but I am starting to have doubts about how I feel about him......is that normal?

Yep! It certainly is... This is cycling and it normal ... It will run the gamut from "Can't live without them" to "Darn, I'd really like to pop a cap in his (or her) a$$ and put them out of my misery." Can't live with 'em and you can't hang 'em from the ceiling fan by their toes either... 

All you can do is to grow forward, focus on yourself and what YOU need for YOUR life, do your own mirror work and become (whether it means returning to or reinventing) the best, new and improved version of you that you can... 
Me - 54
MLC - 47
Together 20 years - Married for 17 at separation
S - 11
D - 7
2 Canines (each of us has one)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold and separated - March 2016
Mid-Lifer is initiating D

Survival Instructions for Newbies
Site Map
 
A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Offline Nerissa

  • Subscriber, 6 Month
  • Jr. Member
  • *
  • Posts: 56
  • Gender: Female
Re: Walk away or hang in there?
« Reply #24 on: February 27, 2018, 01:15:41 AM »
The answers to your questions may become clearer in time but they may not because he isnt very rational just now.

Spending is always a distraction and a temporary feelmgood activity.  And,yes, he may be impressing his AP.  It’s also a way of establishing a kind of independence - spending on things he wouldn’t t usually and without discussion.

I think contact shows he wants to keep you in his life, but what this means medium to long term, no one knows, because he doesn’t know himself.

Changes in feelings can be a bit scary, but you’ll find they change back and forth.  It’s helpful for you if  you do feel some repulsion, and I think it’s a sign of a healthy ego.  I believe you can feel positively again if reconciliation were a possibility. But if he waits too long, you may not want him any more.  That’s a risk he takes.  My own feeling is that it helps you detach so don’t fight it.

I am as puzzled as you about the withdrawal from a long marriage.  In my H’s case I think it was an obsessive desire for a much younger  OW and a fantasy of a new life where he could feel alive and young again instead of a middle aged father.  I believe it is utterly short sighted and they are not thinking about the reality of the later part of their lives.

It is just hitting my H.  He is whining about his daughters not visiting and is getting a dog despite living in an apartment and having a demanding job with international travel.  It’s a childish act of protest but he cannot get admit his mistakes.  And this is a Cambridge university  educated man: it has nothing to do with intelligence. 

Do you ha e a (good) therapist?  They can be helpful.  I wasn’t coping at all at 6 months ( he was still at home then but threatening g to leave) and I had anti depressants for a while to help my anxiety.

It’s hard to explain to you at your stage how time brings some clarity and answers but it will.  I do know for sure that my focus on him was damaging me and the situation.  So you are doing so well in limiting that.

I hear enough from colleagues of my H to know he dumctions well at work but is not quite himself.  He is overly jocular, doesn’t mention Home life and doesn’t go out much.  I also know that enough people have had a kind word with him but he replies that he ‘doesn’t know what to do’.  So all the things we might think help, do not. 

We all need to belong and to have attachments so try to let him suffer without his usual attachments and try to build your own support while this plays out.  It really took me too long to do this - I didn’t t really understand what detaching meant.  It’s a slow process.

Offline stephTopic starter

  • Jr. Member
  • **
  • Posts: 34
  • Gender: Female
Re: Walk away or hang in there?
« Reply #25 on: March 01, 2018, 10:33:44 AM »
Just checking in after what has been another day filled with self doubt and questions. So, yesterday I emailed my H in relation to selling our jointly owned property as I am moving down south in 3 weeks to start my new job (and hopefully life) and will need the money to buy my own property. I'm not sure if I did the right thing but in the email I let him know that I was made aware that he is intending to move the OW into what used to be our home. I purposefully didn't mention her name I just stated that I was aware of the plans regarding his "living arrangements" in our house and the use of the boat (the OW has been discussing their plans with everyone at work) and that it would be in our best interests if we got the house and boat sorted as quickly and as amicably as possible. I am now left wondering if I just shouldn't have mentioned it at all - it suddenly seems so petty except that she will be living in a house that we bought together, restored and shared for 10 years (not to mention that she will be sleeping in my bed!!!). I'm afraid I have hit the angry stage now and am furious with him (haven't let him know) - I m still calm and business like when I email him. I guess I am just so frustrated.........thoughts anyone????

Offline Nerissa

  • Subscriber, 6 Month
  • Jr. Member
  • *
  • Posts: 56
  • Gender: Female
Re: Walk away or hang in there?
« Reply #26 on: March 01, 2018, 11:25:21 AM »
This is tricky if you are not absolutely sure why you did it.  If you are protesting/ poking the ants nest and hoping he will change his mind, you’ll be disappointed.  If you are sure you need this sorted financially then it’s different.  I spoke to a lovely lawyer who told me that this stuff is best sorted when anger has dissipated if possible and I think we all know this at heart.

If you feel you don’t want to pursue this, don’t worry - just don’t follow up and wait until
You feel More confident about your motivations and intentions.

What is it that you need to happen?  Tbh, we worry about the effect our actions have, but as long as we aren’t a puddled  mess or very vitriolic, I don’t think the long term is affected (and even if we are those things I’m not sure it really makes a difference but at least we have retained self respect and dignity which are the most important things from any perspective)

You sound amazing actually, in Being able to keep your fury to yourself.  If dealing with these sets gives you freedom then it’s good.  I felt for a long time that it would be a cutting of the cords binding us, but at a distance, I feel it is cutting unhealthy bonds so that future interaction is free of a little bit of baggage.  It took a long long time to get to that place though, so go easy on yourself if you aren’t ready.


Offline stephTopic starter

  • Jr. Member
  • **
  • Posts: 34
  • Gender: Female
Re: Walk away or hang in there?
« Reply #27 on: March 04, 2018, 12:01:14 PM »
So, today I had an email from my H and it was a $h!tety one..... blaming me for wanting to sell the house, he said that my friends were "feeding me fantasies" about what was going on in his life (about the OW moving in as I have been reliably informed that she resigned and has a job in the town where we have our joint home, she has moved her animals up there so no doubt she is living in the house with him), he said that because he has to pay for the mortgage, his boat loan, car loan and the insurance policies, that he doesn't have any money and now thats my fault to (he isn't looking at what he has been spending on her).  He said that I am choosing not to share any personal information with him and that he hopes that I would tell him if I need anything and so it went on and on - he is very pissed off.........This is the first time I have felt the wrath of the Monster - I haven't responded to him yet and I plan to email him back with a one liner ......"I am so sorry you feel this way........" and that's all I am going to say - as someone wise once said "you can't argue with silence" - forgive me I cant remember the source.  I intend to continue to have my dignity and self respect.

Why cant he see his own situation clearly - we wouldn't be in this mess if it wasn't for his decisions and behaviour - I guess it's easier to avoid rather than face responsibility - although for the first time I get the feeling that reality is kicking in........maybe the OW is starting to put the pressure on him......... and I continue to Stand" ............thoughts or advice anyone??

Offline If_only

  • Full Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 165
  • Gender: Female
Re: Walk away or hang in there?
« Reply #28 on: March 04, 2018, 02:00:04 PM »
Hi Steph:
Still following and supporting! I have similar experiences to you.  At the beginning - all the empty promises made to me fizzled as each month with OW continued- less contact, less empathy but more lies.  I let the buy out of my place but regret that and also leaving my house instead of him leaving. I am so sorry for the pain you are going through- I am right here with you!

Big Hugs:

IF

Offline Nerissa

  • Subscriber, 6 Month
  • Jr. Member
  • *
  • Posts: 56
  • Gender: Female
Re: Walk away or hang in there?
« Reply #29 on: March 04, 2018, 02:21:56 PM »
He is not a very happy bunny.  If it were me I might not answer.  He’ll probably calm
Down after his venting without you saying a word.

Offline OffRoad

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 2646
  • Gender: Female
Re: Walk away or hang in there?
« Reply #30 on: March 04, 2018, 03:11:19 PM »
Warning: I have an odd sense of humor. If anything I say bothers you, please let me know.

When my MLCer finally moved out, he took my chair, a handful of clothes, the electrical bits and pieces box, including my electrical pliers, and the battery operated tools. Oh, and the waffle iron, as I later found out. He then proceeded to spend $28,000 on a big screen Tv, a zoomba, the highest costing mattress and bed frame, and whatever else in the world a person can spend $28000 on in one month. (In theory without an OW. Haven't  found evidence of anyone real yet).

How, exactly, do you spend $28,000 furnishing a 1000 Sq ft apartment? I dunno, but the money concept appears to be lost on them.

Re: the house. You called him on his bs. So he has to attack. To avoid monster, you don't show them you know that they are lying or not telling the truth. Or, once you've been at this a while, and have a warped sense of fun like I do, you start calling them on their BS, step back and watch them spin out of control. Since none of my nearly ex H's spew has anything to do with me, I got out my popcorn and enjoyed the show. Likely why he hasn't contacted me about anything but the divorce in three months.( yes, I'm a bad person. Sometimes.)

I'd suggest a response along the lines of "I have to take care of myself now and I need my share of our joint assets. I'm sorry you are upset that you have to take care of yourself, now." Ok, maybe leave off the last sentence.  ;)

You are doing well. Keep doing what is best for you.

When life gives you lemons, make SALSA!

Offline Mrs.Smiling

  • Sr. Member
  • ****
  • Posts: 472
  • Gender: Female
Re: Walk away or hang in there?
« Reply #31 on: March 04, 2018, 03:15:36 PM »
Ok, so $28,000 is a little umm much...wow and here I am complaining about a tiny amount...lol 1,000 sq ft? Must be hard to turn and move around..Can't imagine spending that much money in a month. wow..

Be the best version of yourself... there is no other

Offline Anjae

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 13732
  • Gender: Female
Re: Walk away or hang in there?
« Reply #32 on: March 04, 2018, 04:00:32 PM »
saying nothing of Offroad's suggestion may be the best thing. But you don't need to reply right away, in case you are going to.

"I have to take care of myself now and I need my share of our joint assets. ...

The money ...  ::) they spend, spend, and spend, and, yet, as a general rule, they never have any money to give to the LBS. Or we are too greedy, or, good grief, we want half of the joint assets.  ::)

$28000 on one month? Easy, art and antiques. Bitcoin or gold.  ::) Of course that is not what MLCers do.

Mr J has blow I don't know how many thousands of euro, way above 28000 on vinyl records. If you think that is impossible, he has bought several thousands since he left, many costing 50 euro or above. The good thing? Once he is out of crisis they can all be sold for good money.  ;D

Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together. (Marilyn Monroe)

Offline FearNot

  • Subscriber, 6 Month
  • Sr. Member
  • *
  • Posts: 449
  • Gender: Female
Re: Walk away or hang in there?
« Reply #33 on: March 04, 2018, 04:14:24 PM »
Attaching Steph!

I'm sorry you are going through this, like the rest of us. My H has been starting to monster about our home, selling, buying each other our, threatening to move back, blah, blah, blah. None of it is fun, but you sound like you are gaining knowledge and getting good advice from the veterans. Thank goodness for this forum!! I wouldn't be where I am now without it.
M 46
H 39
No Kids
Married 5yrs, Together 11yrs
BD Oct 31/17
ILYBINILWY Dec 21/17
2nd BD- Dec 27/17
OW-Confirmed Jan 3/17

 Isaiah 43:1 " But the Lord says.. Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name; you are mine. "

"It's ok to be scared. Being scared means you're about to do something really, really brave." Anonymous

Offline stephTopic starter

  • Jr. Member
  • **
  • Posts: 34
  • Gender: Female
Walk away or hang in there?
« Reply #34 on: March 06, 2018, 11:45:12 AM »
So, after getting a $h!tety email on Sunday (read previous post for info),  this morning I get another email saying that he realises that time has moved on since we last saw each other and a lot has happened in that time (yes.....I moved my belongings of our home (he had been taking her there)and asked him to either sell the house or put it on the market after hearing that his OW had moved her job and animals up to the town where our home is....I assumed that she would be moving in (not rocket science is it???).  Anyway, back to my current dilemma.......he then said that he hopes I will be able to communicate with him on a more personal level which I apparently have been avoiding since I moved my belongings out (did he expect me to be friendly and happy - I have communicated by email in a civil but business like manner about practical aspects). He then went on to say that he's not sure when I will be ready to see him again (if ever) and that he is available to meet up if it would help to discuss things face to face......

So here's my dilemma ........trust - I'm not sure what his motive is  (so sad to be suspicious of someone you were married to for 25 years) but after all this time he hasn't ever really initiated a meeting with me and I am wary of being manipulated by him - I am scared of being hurt again and am reluctant to meet with him unless he is willing to discuss his feelings and our relationship (the last 2 occasions he has basically been unresponsive and refused to discuss anything which has been a waste of time). On the other hand, I want to keep the lines of communication open as I still want a choice of reconciliation in the future......

What are your thoughts on setting the boundaries by telling him that I will only meet with him if he is willing to discuss his feelings and our relationship (I have said how I feel a million times and am worried that he is "baiting" me)? Also do you think he is "cake eating" or is he looking for reassurance as I have never been assertive before and I get the feeling that he is unsure of where things stand ( I haven't seen him for 4 weeks and have not initiated any contact).  Its to early for re-connection (although he has never let me go) and I am stronger than I was but I feel I need to handle the situation with finesse.........please help........




Offline UrsaMajor

  • Moderator
  • Hero Member
  • *
  • Posts: 5801
  • Gender: Male
  • You can't please everyone, you aren't a pizza
Re: Walk away or hang in there?
« Reply #35 on: March 07, 2018, 06:46:33 AM »
To my jaded eye, it looks as if he is looking to do an anchor check.... He wants to see if you have, in fact, moved on....

If you decide to meet him, let him talk. He wants to talk on a personal level, let him talk... you listen. No advice, no judging, and NO R talk. If he is in crisis, he really doesn't care how you are feeling as it is all about him.

See it as if you are observing a bug under a magnifying glass. By watching what he does and listening to what he says, you might be able to get an idea about where his head is....

I really can't tell you much more than that though... I mean, it sounds as if it is still blah blah blah I need to relieve my guilt so blah blah blah lets talk more personally blah blah blah ...
Me - 54
MLC - 47
Together 20 years - Married for 17 at separation
S - 11
D - 7
2 Canines (each of us has one)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold and separated - March 2016
Mid-Lifer is initiating D

Survival Instructions for Newbies
Site Map
 
A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Offline Treasur

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 3425
  • Gender: Female
Re: Walk away or hang in there?
« Reply #36 on: March 07, 2018, 07:53:26 AM »
I agree with UM. Listen. Above all, don't let him push you into making decisions or responding to any suggestion he makes...just say 'gosh, interesting, I'll need to talk some time to think about that'. Most likely whatever he says at this stage will be 100% about him...either Mr Sadz, Mr IDK, Mr Monster or Mr We Need To Move On  ::)
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD)
No kids.
BD Oct 15. OW since Apr 16?
H filed Jan 17. Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.

Grateful for any appearance of the tiny karma bus  
"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline OffRoad

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 2646
  • Gender: Female
Re: Walk away or hang in there?
« Reply #37 on: March 07, 2018, 09:58:26 PM »
It is also smart to be wary and have a plan of escape. I had the "I'm going to tell you everything you ever did wrong" attack me talk, the "We can be friends." talk, the "All these bad things are happening to my friends, why am I telling you this?" talk (because I'm the person you told all that to for 20 years, maybe?), the "I'm so HAPPY! Let's do all the divorce paperwork! It's all so HAPPY!" talk. He never did anything wrong, he never loved me, we should never have been married, and filing divorce paperwork is so HAPPY!. There is only so much of that anyone can take, so know your boundaries and leave if you need to. If you allow him to reduce you to a mass of tears, he got what he wanted. An Anchor check and Control.

Suggestions from a slightly jaded LBSer with a "HAPPY!" MLCer.

When life gives you lemons, make SALSA!

Offline stephTopic starter

  • Jr. Member
  • **
  • Posts: 34
  • Gender: Female
Re: Walk away or hang in there?
« Reply #38 on: March 13, 2018, 12:07:26 PM »
Sorry this is going to sound like a rant but I really need to get this off my chest.

I think I might have blown it as I didn’t handle this situation very well at all. I saw my H last night and when he started talking about how nothing had changed for him, he just exists from day to day etc….. He started repeating everything he has said before (almost word for word – hadn’t been happy for a years, we had lost each other, doesn’t see how he can ever make me happy again etc.).  I’m afraid I just saw red.  It’s been 6 months of bottling things up and trying to be the calm sane one throughout this ongoing rollercoaster ride and last night was the last straw. So much for following good advice…..

I’m afraid I lost my cool and told him exactly how I feel about how he has treated me throughout these last 6 months – I don’t think I have mentioned this before but he actually asked me to meet the 24 year old OW (he’s 52), within the first month of telling me about his affair saying that if we met it would resolve things for him (I actually believed him and met with her - talk about me being stupid). Anyway I literally told him that I was aware that she was practically living in our jointly owned home with him and that they were very much together as a couple – he said that it was the OW who was “seeking” him so I informed him that he does have a choice in the matter and because he hasn’t done anything to stop his behaviour I have to assume that it’s what he wants. I asked him what he was doing coming to see me when he is obviously with someone else – he says he loves me (obviously he does that’s why he is not with me).  I asked him if he loved the OW and he said “I don’t know”.  I then asked him if she knows how he feels and he just sat and stared at me blankly without saying a word.  Everything I talked about him saying in the past like “the OW is so easy to make happy” and “the OW dotes on me” he denied saying – he says he never said those things.  Also when I met with the OW she told me that they made plans to live together – he says they were her plans not his, and that he wasn’t present when she said that. What the hell is the matter with him……it’s like he can’t remember anything. 

I’m afraid I am emotionally at the end of my tether with him – I seem to get nowhere and we go backwards and forwards. So against my better judgement, I asked him to file for divorce – believe me it’s not something I want,  but he obviously isn’t coming back so what is the point of continuing with this and I don’t feel like I can realistically move on until I have closure.   I also once again asked him to sell our house or buy me out (another thing he still hasn’t sorted yet). 

Despite this all being against the advice about how to manage a MLC I have received on this forum, I just couldn’t stop myself and I must admit, at the time it felt good to open up about the way I was feeling – even though I know he probably doesn’t care and it did get emotional – he was crying and so was I.  He wanted to hold me and I said no.   I asked him to tell me our marriage is over – he said he couldn’t do that and that I would always be in his life at which point I said that I would be making that choice. He admitted that he was still with the OW so I said I would show him the door and told him that I didn’t want to see him again while he was still involved with her (he grabbed me and held me tight saying that we would see each other again and that I needed to believe that he loves me and misses me so much and could I think about whether we could see each other again). 

I guess my frustration and anger had to come out at some point but today it all seems so futile and I am losing the will to keep going especially after I said all those things to him – trust me I haven’t covered half of it in this post.  Believe it or not I still believe in my marriage and would do everything it takes to make it work but I feel like I am battling this alone and quite frankly I am tired of it all.  The only positive thing is that I am moving away in less than 2 weeks to a new job, new house and hopefully a new start (he is unaware of this – I think it will do me good to just disappear and get away). In the meantime I am in need of any advice and support you wise folk are able to offer……..

Offline Mrs.Smiling

  • Sr. Member
  • ****
  • Posts: 472
  • Gender: Female
Re: Walk away or hang in there?
« Reply #39 on: March 13, 2018, 12:19:09 PM »
I don't have any advice as I am right there too. I am so sorry that you are feeling this way. I too think why not just get it over with, why string us along? I also feel like if we could just make a decision on everything I could move me and S far away from his turmoil...
I hope someone comes along and helps you...I'm sorry I had no other advice just know we are all here for you.
Be the best version of yourself... there is no other

Offline Anjae

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 13732
  • Gender: Female
Re: Walk away or hang in there?
« Reply #40 on: March 13, 2018, 01:28:19 PM »
You blew and told how you feel and the truth. No problem with that. We are not machines. And, in the long run, it will make no difference.

The only two things that may be a problem are:

So against my better judgement, I asked him to file for divorce – believe me it’s not something I want,  but he obviously isn’t coming back so what is the point of continuing with this and I don’t feel like I can realistically move on until I have closure.

Asking him to file for divorce wasn't smart. If he didn't want to, there was no need of you to ask Even because you do not want it.

How do you know he is not coming back? 6 months?

You're new to MLC. MLCers do no come back in 6 months. Nor does their crisis ends in such time. More like 6 or more years.

I also once again asked him to sell our house or buy me out (another thing he still hasn’t sorted yet). 

He may never will. He is having a MLC. Don't count on him to do a thing.

Not remebering he said things he did? MLC normal. They forget lost of stuff, including what they said.

Not really loving OW? Also normal. Loving LBS? Weird, but probably true. Yet, not enough to make the MLCer remain with the LBS while in MLC.

Advice? Try to keep it cool for the next two weeks. You are going to leave in less than two weeks, so, try to keep your cool till there. And afterwards, try to not engage in drama via e-mail, text or phone.

Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together. (Marilyn Monroe)

Offline barbiedoll

  • Moderator
  • Hero Member
  • *
  • Posts: 1608
  • Gender: Female
Re: Walk away or hang in there?
« Reply #41 on: March 13, 2018, 02:07:45 PM »
Hello there Ms. Steph ..I am Barbiedoll and I have been assigned as your mentor . I am going to sit down here and read your story from beginning until today. I see you have some great people walking thru this chaos with you and support all around you !  I am happy to meet you and I will be back ... keep posting !
Married April 1985
5 children
Bomb Drop April 2013
Thrown out of house August 2013
Affair discovered November 2013 (i guessed who)
Home December 3 2013
The Journey Of Reconciliation .. is for the brave .

Anger is like a candle in the wind ... it blows out the light of all reason.

Offline islandgirl68

  • Full Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 243
  • Gender: Female
Re: Walk away or hang in there?
« Reply #42 on: March 13, 2018, 03:40:26 PM »
We are human. Don't look it as you did anything wrong. You bottled up every emotion when it came to your H. Eventually when you keep trying to stuff them down, there will come a point where it all spills over.

Just take a step back and breath. The upside is that with MLC our spouses memory is not all there. There have been many blow ups that I've had with my H and luckily when I asked about them he says he doesn't remember that happening ::) In the instances where I kept my cool and didn't react, H remembered me being the aggressor.

I even done the Divorce talk. I told my H if he was so unhappy, why is he not filing for divorce? ??? Why string me along? H's response has always been that he didn't know what he wanted or that he knew we would still be together in the end  :o
Me: 33
H: 36
S17; D10; D7; D3
Together 18 years, Married for 2
BD: 4/25/2017 (EA, FA)
BD: 4/10/2018 (EA same OW)
Not sure what is going on between H and I.

Offline barbiedoll

  • Moderator
  • Hero Member
  • *
  • Posts: 1608
  • Gender: Female
Re: Walk away or hang in there?
« Reply #43 on: March 13, 2018, 08:10:46 PM »
Hi Steph ..well, you certainly do have a completely undone MLC's man spinning around the universe, looking for pain relief from his inner distress. For now, he is gathering all flavors of external balm to temporarily ease his pain..but that will not last forever. I am sorry ...I truly am because life now will never be the same and his crisis will spin you into a journey of your own . And it is absolutely the most painfull devastating path we are forced to walk . But we are ALL walking with you , some a little ahead and some behind . But you are far from being alone.

You have received some sound advise and support and this is the best place you can be in the worst of situations . We are open 24 hours a day and there is always someone available to chat with you . So welcome.

I too had this experience in 2013 . Husband of 35 years, mid 50's , decides out of the clear blue sky that he has been miserable for years, he is all "done" , no longer loves me , quits his job, leaves town and has an affair with the biggest affair down you can imagine. This is a dad of 5 daughters, a stable , hard working "rock solid " kind of family man . ...or so I thought . The shock was nothing that words can even begin to describe...but most on here know the feeling well. Heros Spouse saved me..there is no question in my mind . And now I do try to give a little back and lend some support to new members . My husband did return and we continue to struggle to rebuild the broken between us . No part of this is easy . So, here I am , your new friend for a mile or two down the path .

I did see a couple of very interesting statements that I would like to comment on... so here goes.

Quote
- actions and words don't match - he says he loves me but continues to have the affair and separation
- failure to follow through on promises
- seems unable to make a decision
- cries when he sees me and says "all he can see is pain"
- seems to have no concept of time passing
- unable to have an in depth conversation about practical issues  - is withdrawn and unresponsive
.

All of this ... very telling of MLC crazeeee. Most especially "unable to make decisions".  This is 100% very typical and somewhat explains the bizarre behavior . Utterly no ability to think things thru, forecast a likely outcome, stick to one train of thought or act on a decision if they ever come to one. Like a leaf in a windstorm... blown all over the place.

Quote
steph, my thinking is you don't ask questions about the marriage or his personal things/thoughts, but I don't think talking about the house is one of them.  That's marital property/business.

Sometimes financial questions need to be asked.  Just as questions about kids would be fine to ask about.
.

Yes. Thunder gives great direction here . Asking about finances, bills , houses , support etc . or legal issues are absolutely imperative to ask . Fabulous that you have a lawyer on board to look after your best interests. You can easily communicate thru email and then you have a written agreement in hand . NO talking about the marriage , the relationship , THE OW, his emotions, thoughts "plans" ... absolutely no "pursuing" fixing , begging or interest. And NEVER discuss or acknowledge this 24 year old temporary toy. ( I have a young daughter at home and heaven would spit fireballs if she hauled home a 55 year old married man !) . Perhaps this is part of the reason she moved . What parents want this ??   To you ...the wife...she does NOT exist . Period.

For your reading pleasure :

https://beingabeautifulmess.wordpress.com/the-180/

Quote
Steph, as OP and others have noted... Just step back from teh tornado and let it go... You can't fix it, you can't change it, you can't influence it except maybe to make it even longer.... and the only thing it will do for you is create more pain and anguish....
.

This :  The absolute truth.

Quote
Also in the email he stated that he knows I have plans but if he can do anything to help I must let him know
.

NO . You do not need in anyway at all to tell him your plans, your move, new job etc . He forfeited that right . That would fall under the category of "personal" ..not business or legal issues .

Quote
I made him wait a day before answering and then kept the email really short and only about the house - nothing about my plans or the dog. It's just that I wonder if I am doing the right thing when I long to share things with him but I am afraid of getting hurt
.

Brilliant !  You are doing the right thing at this stage of the game . I know it is hard , I know it is foreign to you ...but generally speaking the hardest things in life are usually the right things .

Quote
I feel stronger and that I am slowly detaching from the situation but I am starting to have doubts about how I feel about him......is that normal?
.

Indeed, if there is any "normal" in this most "abnormal" situation, that is it. You will flounder around and round and round about how you actually feel about him at all... YOU are certifiably NORMAL. Welcome to the rollercoaster ... the MLC Express.

Quote
I am now left wondering if I just shouldn't have mentioned it at all - it suddenly seems so petty except that she will be living in a house that we bought together, restored and shared for 10 years (not to mention that she will be sleeping in my bed!!!). I'm afraid I have hit the angry stage now and am furious with him (haven't let him know) - I m still calm and business like when I email him. I guess I am just so frustrated.........thoughts anyone????
.

There is nothing "petty" here at all. Just a little poke to your dear H .." hey there, can we get on with the practicalities so you can continue to live the dream ?". The house, boat etc ... all need to be settled. What I am wondering is why you are asking ? Can the lawyer not send him a letter and make this happen ? . Don't ever be afraid of anger ..it will move more mountains, obsticles and stuck emotions than anything I know of. Who would not feel anger ?  Let yourself feel every speck of it .

Quote
This is tricky if you are not absolutely sure why you did it.  If you are protesting/ poking the ants nest and hoping he will change his mind, you’ll be disappointed.  If you are sure you need this sorted financially then it’s different.  I spoke to a lovely lawyer who told me that this stuff is best sorted when anger has dissipated if possible and I think we all know this at heart.
.

This is very good advise and so well said. I like this a lot . Read that several times... invaluable really.

Quote
Why cant he see his own situation clearly - we wouldn't be in this mess if it wasn't for his decisions and behaviour - I guess it's easier to avoid rather than face responsibility - although for the first time I get the feeling that reality is kicking in........maybe the OW is starting to put the pressure on him......... and I continue to Stand" ............thoughts or advice anyone??
.

Yes . It is easier to avoid or compartmentalize . Most seem to be masters at this . But it is time limited ...we just do not know how long this insanity ( his) will go on. That is why detachment is the only way you can go . He cannot see anything ...as hard as that is to accept . He is saturated in limerance  and MLC fog .

http://www.blogtalkradio.com/marriageradio/2015/12/16/why-your-spouse-loves-another-understanding-limerence--the-joe-beam-show

Quote
he then said that he hopes I will be able to communicate with him on a more personal level which I apparently have been
.

Looking for his cake . I strongly encourage you to do exactly as you are doing... stick to the facts, be pleasant and to the point .

Quote
What are your thoughts on setting the boundaries by telling him that I will only meet with him if he is willing to discuss his feelings and our relationship
.

I suggest you refrain from "pursuing"...it really would undo all your hard work of sticking to the facts . And you will most assuredly be "hurt". No one on Heros Spouse ( that I am aware of ) has had success with this approach. I know...I know... it is a mad-assed compulsion to try " to get thru to him". Of course ... the final decision is yours . Let us know the end result if this is what you choose to do .

Quote
So against my better judgement, I asked him to file for divorce – believe me it’s not something I want,  but he obviously isn’t coming back so what is the point of continuing with this and I don’t feel like I can realistically move on until I have closure.   I also once again asked him to sell our house or buy me out (another thing he still hasn’t sorted yet). 
.

It is perfectly acceptable to do nothing . It is perfectly acceptable to change your mind. YOU are the boss of YOU. Silence is also a very good choice.

Quote
Despite this all being against the advice about how to manage a MLC I have received on this forum, I just couldn’t stop myself
.

Neither could I . About 20 times. You are human . This takes practise , determination and acceptance that emotions have a mind of their own ...at times. It is ok.

Quote
H's response has always been that he didn't know what he wanted or that he knew we would still be together in the end  :o
.

Geeeeeze... they all say the exact same thing! ..

Okay Steph...YOU are strong without question, you are moving forward but often we do not see our own progress.. Keep reading, post anything that enters your mind and read others threads ... You are doing just fine ...I promise.

Fixed the quoting problem - UM









« Last Edit: March 14, 2018, 02:28:20 AM by UrsaMajor »
Married April 1985
5 children
Bomb Drop April 2013
Thrown out of house August 2013
Affair discovered November 2013 (i guessed who)
Home December 3 2013
The Journey Of Reconciliation .. is for the brave .

Anger is like a candle in the wind ... it blows out the light of all reason.

Offline Whyus

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 2055
  • Gender: Male
Re: Walk away or hang in there?
« Reply #44 on: March 14, 2018, 03:10:27 AM »
Hi Steph, that is a fantastic Post barbie has made. Read it least 5 times, print it out if you have to... This is all so hard but you will get through and it will get better.
Blowing up infront of your MLCer!!! Dont worry about that for a second. We have all been there, he will Forget in a week or 2 anyway....
Look after YOUrself Steph
Married - 19,5 Years pre BD
Together - 21,5 Years
Me: 44
W: 44
BD 1: 10.01.2017
BD 2: 24.02.2017 OM 28. Trainings partner. Still together
2 Sons - 18 & 19
2 Dogs and a cat.
Own home . Sold!
Divorce Filed
T1  http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8671.0
T10. http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9547.0

Offline sampsed

  • Subscriber, 12 Month
  • Hero Member
  • *
  • Posts: 581
  • Gender: Female
Re: Walk away or hang in there?
« Reply #45 on: March 14, 2018, 10:33:18 AM »
Hi Steph,

You are a strong woman in a tough position.  Bring all your thoughts and feelings to the forum.  People will willingly help you.

You got this!   

following along on your story!
I choose to feel blessed.”
I choose to feel grateful.
I choose to be excited.
I choose to be thankful.
I choose to be HAPPY.”

https://affaircare.com/the-180/

No matter what....find a positive...no matter how small it is there is always a positive.

BD 10 29 2017  Moved out same day to be with OW (EA become PA approx. 2 mos prior)
BY 1966
H BY 1966
Married 32.5 years
Together 35 years
D - 1989 Married with 2 children, living locally
S -  1991 Professional School living across Country  - Still relies on us for support
3 Dogs - 1 was his baby that he left behind
Standing
No legal action yet
3/5/18 OW moved to another State  H moved in with F  
3/19/18  H moved home and is living in spare room  Reason:  Wasn't happy living with F and had an urge to want to be Home.  OW moved out of State.

Offline stephTopic starter

  • Jr. Member
  • **
  • Posts: 34
  • Gender: Female
Re: Walk away or hang in there?
« Reply #46 on: March 14, 2018, 12:04:58 PM »
Thank you to everyone for your ongoing support and feedback (especially to Barbiedoll for your valuable insight into the world of MLC) – I am so encouraged by everyone’s positivity (not hopeful and I expect nothing) and a part of me remains realistic about the possible outcome. I don't know what I would do without this forum and I am truly grateful so THANK YOU.

And the drama continues and I continue to be angry and unsettled……

After me speaking my mind the other night I received an email from him (the same night) saying that his thoughts are all over the place and that he can’t make sense of or accept where we are.  He says that we lost each other somehow and for some length of time over the end of 2016 and into 2017 ([why didn’t he tell me???) and then he goes on to say that he reached beyond our marriage, in belief that I had stopped wanting to see us (and again I am blamed for his choices!!!).
 
He says he can’t take it back and he knows it can’t be forgotten and that he doesn’t see a way to make me happy in the future (he doesn’t really want to try either…!!!). He says he cares deeply for me and is horrified by the pain he has caused and that he is unable to tell me that it is over between us but if it will me move on then he will contact a lawyer this week (blame again???)
He finishes it off by saying that despite what his actions suggest, he will never move me out of his heart (yeah right……that’s why is if living with someone else!!!).

What I don’t get is why he just doesn’t walk away and live the life he has obviously chosen – I have given him every opportunity to walk away from our marriage and call it a day (something else he could blame me for if he chose to) but he won’t. Thinking about things logically I intend to ignore all further contact with him until I move out of the area and got myself settled elsewhere but my heart is breaking........

Offline sampsed

  • Subscriber, 12 Month
  • Hero Member
  • *
  • Posts: 581
  • Gender: Female
Re: Walk away or hang in there?
« Reply #47 on: March 14, 2018, 12:22:58 PM »
My H told me it was over in the very beginning and he would never ever come back.  Wanted a D.

Now D is off the table for now.  He keeps checking in with me every few days, talking almost everyday, texting occasionally.  For the last 3 days he has made visits to the office and is considering going to supper with Myself and D  and GS tonight.  He keeps popping in and out of our lives.

They keep coming back because they are so confused they do not know what they want and how to deal with anything.   Listen to him, don't ask questions, validate.   He doesn't want to be with you right now....but he doesn't want to let go of you either.  It stinks and it plays with your emotions.

DETACH.....believe me it helps!  Detach and let him go to do his thing.  It will take time but with practice you will get there.  You do NOT want to be on his rollercoaster ride.  You will have your own to deal with.

Please hold your head high and put on a crown and smile.  Practice everyday and concentrate on you and your family!
I choose to feel blessed.”
I choose to feel grateful.
I choose to be excited.
I choose to be thankful.
I choose to be HAPPY.”

https://affaircare.com/the-180/

No matter what....find a positive...no matter how small it is there is always a positive.

BD 10 29 2017  Moved out same day to be with OW (EA become PA approx. 2 mos prior)
BY 1966
H BY 1966
Married 32.5 years
Together 35 years
D - 1989 Married with 2 children, living locally
S -  1991 Professional School living across Country  - Still relies on us for support
3 Dogs - 1 was his baby that he left behind
Standing
No legal action yet
3/5/18 OW moved to another State  H moved in with F  
3/19/18  H moved home and is living in spare room  Reason:  Wasn't happy living with F and had an urge to want to be Home.  OW moved out of State.

Offline Anjae

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 13732
  • Gender: Female
Re: Walk away or hang in there?
« Reply #48 on: March 14, 2018, 01:02:03 PM »
And the drama continues and I continue to be angry and unsettled……

The drama may not stop anytime soon. You still being angry and unsettled is normal at this point. Don't worry, but try not to let the anger overwhelm you. Easier said than done, I know.

After me speaking my mind the other night I received an email from him (the same night) saying that his thoughts are all over the place and that he can’t make sense of or accept where we are. 

Of course he cannot make sense of things and his thoughts are all over the place. He is depressed, confussed and getting deeper into MLC tunnel.
 
What I don’t get is why he just doesn’t walk away and live the life he has obviously chosen – I have given him every opportunity to walk away from our marriage and call it a day (something else he could blame me for if he chose to) but he won’t. T

Because, at least for now, he is a clingy-boomerang. That type of MLCer will always remain around the LBS, clinging like there was no tomorrow.

Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together. (Marilyn Monroe)

Offline Whyus

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 2055
  • Gender: Male
Re: Walk away or hang in there?
« Reply #49 on: March 15, 2018, 12:18:32 AM »
Im so sorry that he is still blaming you for everything Steph. Its just projection, just ignore it. It has nothing to do with you, it is all on him and HE KNOWS THAT.........
Married - 19,5 Years pre BD
Together - 21,5 Years
Me: 44
W: 44
BD 1: 10.01.2017
BD 2: 24.02.2017 OM 28. Trainings partner. Still together
2 Sons - 18 & 19
2 Dogs and a cat.
Own home . Sold!
Divorce Filed
T1  http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8671.0
T10. http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9547.0

Offline barbiedoll

  • Moderator
  • Hero Member
  • *
  • Posts: 1608
  • Gender: Female
Re: Walk away or hang in there?
« Reply #50 on: March 16, 2018, 04:55:34 AM »
Good morning Steph...

Quote
I continue to be angry and unsettled……
.

I have been attempting to "love" my husband the way I once did . I realize that is an impossible search and it is profoundly sad that will never happen . It is gone. I also continue to feel anger at times and a deep sense of unsettled within myself . Rage was my deepest struggle . I am very aware that my anger was a manifestation of a staggering hurt and shock. It was a sward I used to protect myself from letting him get to close ...to push him away. I believe ( for women) the utter loss of safety , protection and security cuts very deep .Those things were taken and the anger from that loss is natural and a normal human reaction to betrayal. It takes a very long times to stabalize yourself. But...you will!

Quote
in belief that I had stopped wanting to see us
.

This is really very significant to me . You are only the 3rd person that I have seen that reports their husband saying this . Including me. This is exactly what my husband said ..exactly. Plus  " I thought you were done with me , that I could NOT make you happy". I hear that over and over and over at every therapist appointment. So this was his crazy-assed mindset and NO, he never said a word. Never told me one thing about how he was feeling. BUT he believed this without question ( I am convinced ) so it was like a "reverse abandonment. He believed I was abandoning HIM in a sense .. and reacted to that childhood wound in himself. And we have no clue that all this is going on under the surface . They effectively remove our ability to "fix " anything...because , for a time, we do not realize anything is broken.   Now, some say that this is just more "re-writing history" to justify their affair. But , in my case , I do believe him. and I am no easy sell.

Quote
he is unable to tell me that it is over between us but if it will me move on then he will contact a lawyer this week (blame again???)
.

Hand this right back..it belongs to him . It is HIS problem and You have your own. He wants you to do the "dirty work " , initiate the divorce?  Poor little him. The answer would be NO. Why would you invest in something ( or pay for something ) that you do not want ? This is what HE wants, so he best get at it.

Quote
Thinking about things logically I intend to ignore all further contact with him until I move out of the area and got myself settled elsewhere but my heart is breaking........
.

And this ?  Brilliant! YOU go lady Steph ... take your crown, be silent and make some moves for you!







Married April 1985
5 children
Bomb Drop April 2013
Thrown out of house August 2013
Affair discovered November 2013 (i guessed who)
Home December 3 2013
The Journey Of Reconciliation .. is for the brave .

Anger is like a candle in the wind ... it blows out the light of all reason.

Offline stephTopic starter

  • Jr. Member
  • **
  • Posts: 34
  • Gender: Female
Re: Walk away or hang in there?
« Reply #51 on: March 16, 2018, 11:22:38 AM »
So…. On it goes. I received another email from WH last night saying that he has been thinking endlessly about what I said when I saw him last (when I gave him a piece of my mind).  He says that it is apparent to him that our lines of communication have been confused (mine haven’t) as he believed that I didn’t want to hear from him and that he was worried about the pain his communication would cause.  He goes on to say that he hasn’t yet found a lawyer to file for D but that the mortgage company has agreed for him to buy me out but that he isn’t sure what I would believe would be in my best interests (??? As if he really cares!!). Also, he says that he would like to increase his communication with me and not only about practical matters. He says that he never intended his leaving to be seen as abandonment but rather as protection from harm (yeah sure!).
I mean what on earth is he trying to do –  I continue with the no contact and have not responded to this email or the previous one. I am so tired of it all……..

Offline barbiedoll

  • Moderator
  • Hero Member
  • *
  • Posts: 1608
  • Gender: Female
Re: Walk away or hang in there?
« Reply #52 on: March 16, 2018, 07:25:09 PM »
Quote
as he believed that I didn’t want to hear from him

In our "normal" non-mlc thinking, some of the things they say are utterly impossible to believe. Insanity at best , excuses or roll-your-eyes crazy. Or enraging. My husband said the same to me. He had convinced himself , that I was "done with him and did not want to see him or hear from him".  I remember shaking with anger ..."why would you NOT say that out loud?". Why did it make more sense to run away and have an affair etc , rather than JUST TALK? . The fact is... this "feeling" was so extreme , so powerfull and crippling because it was triggering deep childhood trauma of mother abandonment.  He was re-experiencing some hidden subconscious injury and was almost re-traumatised. So, the "flight" is triggered and they really cannot make sense of anything. It has been explained to me by therapists many times ...still hard to put into words. It is also so painfull to be on the receiving end ..it is staggering. What was your husbands childhood experience ? How did he grow up ?

Quote
he never intended his leaving to be seen as abandonment but rather as protection from harm (yeah sure!).
.

Oh my. I also heard this , he was trying to "protect me from himself". He knew he was hurting me and had no control over himself. Hard to believe or accept???  . Our brains can not remotely understand this and I wanted to spit in anger with this BS comin out his mouth. And yet... I have read about many MLC men saying this exact thing . And the therapist also said..." It is a pretty typical reaction internally ". It is still almost impossible to imagine.

Quote
I mean what on earth is he trying to do

He has no clue. He is in a crisis . Some of the answers are in his childhood experiences... what did that look like ?


Married April 1985
5 children
Bomb Drop April 2013
Thrown out of house August 2013
Affair discovered November 2013 (i guessed who)
Home December 3 2013
The Journey Of Reconciliation .. is for the brave .

Anger is like a candle in the wind ... it blows out the light of all reason.

Offline stephTopic starter

  • Jr. Member
  • **
  • Posts: 34
  • Gender: Female
Re: Walk away or hang in there?
« Reply #53 on: March 17, 2018, 08:04:15 AM »
Hey folks....I am having a bad day today - feel emotional and full of self doubt about what I am doing. Everything I am doing feels "alien" to me i.e. the no contact, the no sharing of my thoughts and feelings but most of all the fact that I haven't told him that I have another job and am moving away (about 300 kms). I feel like I am almost giving up on my marriage when its the last thing I want to do. I just don't see any other option at the moment other than to make a life for myself (by myself for the time being). Logically I know this is the right thing to do but emotionally it feels so wrong especially since I feel like I am playing games which isn't me and I'm lying by omission. In need of expert advice and support......... 

Offline barbiedoll

  • Moderator
  • Hero Member
  • *
  • Posts: 1608
  • Gender: Female
Re: Walk away or hang in there?
« Reply #54 on: March 18, 2018, 07:49:36 PM »
I am sorry you are having a bad day. Weekends seem to prove far more difficult for us LBS. Your emotions and thought will struggle to stabalize and your thoughts will stay stuck on this situation...it is so unfortunately normal.

Quote
Everything I am doing feels "alien" to me

Then you are very likey doing all the things that you have been encourage to do. It feels ridiculously "the opposite " of what we feel we should be doing? And your husbands behaviour? Another alien imposter . All of it just goes beyond understanding. But keep going ... you are doing just fine, regardless of the voices that say " this is just not right "

http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?action=post;topic=9867.50;last_msg=655988

Quote
I just don't see any other option at the moment other than to make a life for myself (by myself

This is correct . This is the very best option at the moment, but it is extremely difficult.

I am excited by your move and new job! It is obvious to me that you are amazingly strong..that once you decide to do something...it is getting done. A new place, new job and new people to meet .? Daunting in many ways but what an adventure and a true survivor action! Keep us updated on how all of that goes for you . This is GAL at its finest .

Going back to the last post for a minute. Tell us about your husbands childhood. What was his situation growing up ...it can explain many many things .

Married April 1985
5 children
Bomb Drop April 2013
Thrown out of house August 2013
Affair discovered November 2013 (i guessed who)
Home December 3 2013
The Journey Of Reconciliation .. is for the brave .

Anger is like a candle in the wind ... it blows out the light of all reason.

Offline stephTopic starter

  • Jr. Member
  • **
  • Posts: 34
  • Gender: Female
Re: Walk away or hang in there?
« Reply #55 on: March 19, 2018, 12:28:17 PM »
Thanks barbiedoll....I haven't forgotten about your question regarding his childhood - I am busy pulling something together which I will post soon.

In the meantime...on it goes.....received a text today asking if I received his email from last week (received 2 last week  ::)) and if I did I obviously am choosing not to respond and if I didn't could I let him know so that he can resend it. Guess what - I haven't responded - this NC is keeping me sane - am I being cruel for feeling this way??? ??? ???

Offline barbiedoll

  • Moderator
  • Hero Member
  • *
  • Posts: 1608
  • Gender: Female
Re: Walk away or hang in there?
« Reply #56 on: March 19, 2018, 02:42:55 PM »
Hi Steph ..

I do not believe you are being cruel at all...unless of course , in your heart of hearts you are doing this as some form of punishment . To "hurt" him back. It can be tempting given the pain that they have created. If your  true purpose is to protect yourself emotionally , to gain some stability and to detach, I see nothing cruel . I see putting yourself first as a measure of self care.

It is perfectly ok to respond to him . No contact is about YOU not pursuing, chasing, begging etc . Polite short responses answering factually and no personal information or questions is of course reasonable and encouraged . What is your reason for no responding to him ?
Married April 1985
5 children
Bomb Drop April 2013
Thrown out of house August 2013
Affair discovered November 2013 (i guessed who)
Home December 3 2013
The Journey Of Reconciliation .. is for the brave .

Anger is like a candle in the wind ... it blows out the light of all reason.

Offline stephTopic starter

  • Jr. Member
  • **
  • Posts: 34
  • Gender: Female
Re: Walk away or hang in there?
« Reply #57 on: March 20, 2018, 12:18:19 PM »
Hey barbiedoll.......here is a bit of WH family history - it isnt alot to go on but its a start - WH’s family dynamics are as follows – 3 siblings – 2 brothers (one older and one younger) and a sister (youngest).   H was the “middle” brother – father had a chronic illness and was on medication. H’s mother basically took care of his father their entire married life. H’s father passed away when H was 15 years old. H talked about his father being strict but fun (he liked the outdoors). H’s sister describes him as being “a horrible man” and stated that for her mother’s sake she was glad he had died. H is very close to his mother (but she lives overseas so actual physical contact is minimal) but doesn’t talk much about his father (and I have often asked about him as I have never met him) - but when he does it’s always in a positive light. Actually none of the family talks about their father/husband much so I have only had snippets of information over the years. My WH isn’t very close to his siblings and when I asked him to inform them about our separation he said that they didn’t care about us when we were together so they probably wouldn’t care about us now that we are apart (telling then took him 4 and a half months).  Any thoughts????

Your question about why I didn't want to respond made me think - I guess I am just scared that I will be "sucked" back into his cycling and give in to his requests about seeking more communication with me - anyway after much thought, I have responded to his txt message just saying that I have received his email and no further information.

Offline Treasur

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 3425
  • Gender: Female
Re: Walk away or hang in there?
« Reply #58 on: March 21, 2018, 01:59:25 AM »
Steph - on the contact issue - I went NC at all for a while last year to protect my sanity tbh, I needed a breathing space. Then I moved to Dim really - I would forward practical info but just polite necessary facts. Got pulled in once or twice to sadz/rage emails from him, but usually managed to ignore his emotion (and use the rule of 3 to lock down mine) so ignored some, answered others factually. Biggest struggle for me was wanting to defend myself when he was really unfair or irrational, I think.

Dim means don't initiate, respond to factual stuff just like you did, take your time so you're clear about why you're responding helps you not get sucked in. Ignore stuff you don't want to pick up on. Less words helps, neutral non-emotional language, do a draft and then review it a few hours later before you send it.

Can help to think about your boundaries too. My STBXH recently went a bit monster loopy so I responded with a couple of clear rules on communication - things I would do and not e.g. only email, would only read after 6pm Mon-Thurs etc. He tried to push against them immediately but when I ignored that, he folded and monster loopy went away. I didn't do it to save anything but my own distance from his drama really.
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD)
No kids.
BD Oct 15. OW since Apr 16?
H filed Jan 17. Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.

Grateful for any appearance of the tiny karma bus  
"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline stephTopic starter

  • Jr. Member
  • **
  • Posts: 34
  • Gender: Female
Re: Walk away or hang in there?
« Reply #59 on: March 21, 2018, 12:56:02 PM »
I know we shouldn't dwell or focus on the OW/AP  but does anyone ever wonder what life is like for the MCLer with their new choice - I think this is one thing which really bugs the hell out of me and something I really struggle with.......thoughts anyone??

Offline same33

  • Sr. Member
  • ****
  • Posts: 334
  • Gender: Male
Re: Walk away or hang in there?
« Reply #60 on: March 21, 2018, 02:18:21 PM »
I know we shouldn't dwell or focus on the OW/AP  but does anyone ever wonder what life is like for the MCLer with their new choice - I think this is one thing which really bugs the hell out of me and something I really struggle with.......thoughts anyone??

Oh, I'm sure every one of us has done that. It's easy, frustrating, sad and it just sucks! The main thing I have though about is how it is two broken people trying to fill a void that cannot be filled but by themselves. It is a fantasy-land adventure. It's not real love. Both parties are usually broken and don't love themselves enough to have any type of adult emotional strength.
M-44
W-41
S12, S9, S7
Married 9/25/2004
13 years of marriage
BD#1- December 22, 2014
BD#2- January 2, 2018

Offline barbiedoll

  • Moderator
  • Hero Member
  • *
  • Posts: 1608
  • Gender: Female
Re: Walk away or hang in there?
« Reply #61 on: March 22, 2018, 01:47:37 AM »
Hi Steph... a quick drop in to see how you are .I did bump an old thread forward regarding your question about "life with the OW". You will find some very interesting stories in there. Talk very soon.
Married April 1985
5 children
Bomb Drop April 2013
Thrown out of house August 2013
Affair discovered November 2013 (i guessed who)
Home December 3 2013
The Journey Of Reconciliation .. is for the brave .

Anger is like a candle in the wind ... it blows out the light of all reason.

Offline sampsed

  • Subscriber, 12 Month
  • Hero Member
  • *
  • Posts: 581
  • Gender: Female
Re: Walk away or hang in there?
« Reply #62 on: March 22, 2018, 06:13:36 AM »
At first I obsessed about the OW.  Why her?  What does she have I don't?  yada yada yada

Once I realized that I had more to offer than she did....I no longer cared about her or what they were doing together.

Others reported to me so I know H was spending a lot of money on her and I know this eventually got to him.  He currently has $0 in savings and doesn't like that.  He is now rebuilding his savings!

I figured the more they are together the sooner they will burn out so I figured let them have at it.  To me it was a matter of coming to terms with it and knowing that I deserved my H of old...not my mlc H.

You will find your way to deal with it.  Doing so will also help you to detach and let go.  It did me!


I choose to feel blessed.”
I choose to feel grateful.
I choose to be excited.
I choose to be thankful.
I choose to be HAPPY.”

https://affaircare.com/the-180/

No matter what....find a positive...no matter how small it is there is always a positive.

BD 10 29 2017  Moved out same day to be with OW (EA become PA approx. 2 mos prior)
BY 1966
H BY 1966
Married 32.5 years
Together 35 years
D - 1989 Married with 2 children, living locally
S -  1991 Professional School living across Country  - Still relies on us for support
3 Dogs - 1 was his baby that he left behind
Standing
No legal action yet
3/5/18 OW moved to another State  H moved in with F  
3/19/18  H moved home and is living in spare room  Reason:  Wasn't happy living with F and had an urge to want to be Home.  OW moved out of State.

Offline barbiedoll

  • Moderator
  • Hero Member
  • *
  • Posts: 1608
  • Gender: Female
Re: Walk away or hang in there?
« Reply #63 on: March 22, 2018, 05:59:09 PM »
I think it is very "normal" to react with " she must be better, she makes him happy etc " when we feel as if we have been re-placed. Well, we have been replaced . Some MLC men move in with OW in 10 minutes and there just is no answer as to how in the hell that can happen. But it does. I never considered my self a person with low sense of self-esteem or "less than " as a women , but I did truly suffer with a feeling that she was "better ". UGH. It was so foreign to feel this extreme confusion about "myself " about something another person did . How does that make sense.? I believe it is a normal response to an emotional shock and perhaps a temporary slap to our feelings of self esteem.  What  helped me incredibly, to get things into perspective...

1. He was never looking for someone better than me , he was looking for someone worse than himself .
2. It was NEVER about how my husband felt about HER . It was about how he felt about HIMSELF when he was with her .

What a painfull painfull event to tolerate .   I hope you read some comments on the " Life with the OW thread ".   I have no doubt that it is not the "wonderfull state of bliss " we imagine . My husband never moved in with his cow-fling, although she asked him to several times. However, he clearly stayed at her home on the weekends. When I asked him questions about how the hell you could just wake up with a new women after 35 years, or a strange room or home etc ...he looked at me as if he had NOT 1 CLUE what the hell I was talking about . He said "  Barbiedoll, I cannot answer because I was not thinking that way at all, it just never registered , Nothing registered but anger and rage and where I was or who I was with?  Never really noticed or cared . This was not like some magical affair you see on TV ... I was firetrucked . That is the type of responses I get . Hard to ask and hard to listen to the answer. My husband ditched his OW cow in a 5 minute phone call and NEVER saw or heard from her again. So a 9 month "affair" ended in a millisecond. How important could she have been ?
Married April 1985
5 children
Bomb Drop April 2013
Thrown out of house August 2013
Affair discovered November 2013 (i guessed who)
Home December 3 2013
The Journey Of Reconciliation .. is for the brave .

Anger is like a candle in the wind ... it blows out the light of all reason.

Offline stephTopic starter

  • Jr. Member
  • **
  • Posts: 34
  • Gender: Female
Re: Walk away or hang in there?
« Reply #64 on: March 24, 2018, 03:43:26 AM »
Still Standing for my marriage ;D but I am on the move - moving house today to about a 3 hours drive away from my WH, starting a new job at the beginning of April and I get to live in a new cottage (and he doesn't know a thing about it).  I am on the up up up......leaving him behind in the dust with his bimbo OW. Detaching and letting go......... :)

Offline sampsed

  • Subscriber, 12 Month
  • Hero Member
  • *
  • Posts: 581
  • Gender: Female
Re: Walk away or hang in there?
« Reply #65 on: March 24, 2018, 06:09:14 AM »
Enjoy you new home and good luck with your new job
I choose to feel blessed.”
I choose to feel grateful.
I choose to be excited.
I choose to be thankful.
I choose to be HAPPY.”

https://affaircare.com/the-180/

No matter what....find a positive...no matter how small it is there is always a positive.

BD 10 29 2017  Moved out same day to be with OW (EA become PA approx. 2 mos prior)
BY 1966
H BY 1966
Married 32.5 years
Together 35 years
D - 1989 Married with 2 children, living locally
S -  1991 Professional School living across Country  - Still relies on us for support
3 Dogs - 1 was his baby that he left behind
Standing
No legal action yet
3/5/18 OW moved to another State  H moved in with F  
3/19/18  H moved home and is living in spare room  Reason:  Wasn't happy living with F and had an urge to want to be Home.  OW moved out of State.

Offline same33

  • Sr. Member
  • ****
  • Posts: 334
  • Gender: Male
Re: Walk away or hang in there?
« Reply #66 on: March 24, 2018, 07:09:55 AM »
Congratulations on the new job and new cottage! You seem like you are getting stronger by the day. Barbie has obviously been AMAZING in this thread. And your focus is looking great! Wishing you well, steph!
M-44
W-41
S12, S9, S7
Married 9/25/2004
13 years of marriage
BD#1- December 22, 2014
BD#2- January 2, 2018

Offline barbiedoll

  • Moderator
  • Hero Member
  • *
  • Posts: 1608
  • Gender: Female
Re: Walk away or hang in there?
« Reply #67 on: March 24, 2018, 08:12:30 AM »
Get to live in a new "cottage".  A new job.. it is all about YOU and that is a celebration!  But the "cottage " part... makes me jealous ! Lol!. I am so pleased to hear energy and spunk in your words . This is what we are aiming for and YOU have done it!  I really want you to buy a little cake or pastry with 1 candle , once you are settled and truly recognize your bravery, your spunk and the start of your new path...now blow out the candle and off you go .! We will want to hear all about it !
Married April 1985
5 children
Bomb Drop April 2013
Thrown out of house August 2013
Affair discovered November 2013 (i guessed who)
Home December 3 2013
The Journey Of Reconciliation .. is for the brave .

Anger is like a candle in the wind ... it blows out the light of all reason.

Offline barbiedoll

  • Moderator
  • Hero Member
  • *
  • Posts: 1608
  • Gender: Female
Re: Walk away or hang in there?
« Reply #68 on: March 28, 2018, 05:52:15 PM »
I know you have been a very busy lady...just checking to see if you are doing ok?? 
Married April 1985
5 children
Bomb Drop April 2013
Thrown out of house August 2013
Affair discovered November 2013 (i guessed who)
Home December 3 2013
The Journey Of Reconciliation .. is for the brave .

Anger is like a candle in the wind ... it blows out the light of all reason.

Offline stephTopic starter

  • Jr. Member
  • **
  • Posts: 34
  • Gender: Female
Re: Walk away or hang in there?
« Reply #69 on: March 29, 2018, 07:38:18 AM »
Hey barbiedoll.....limited access to internet, still waiting for it to be connected. Will send update asap. All good with me.....enjoying the peace and quiet. News to follow......grateful for support. Xx

Offline stephTopic starter

  • Jr. Member
  • **
  • Posts: 34
  • Gender: Female
Re: Walk away or hang in there?
« Reply #70 on: March 30, 2018, 02:14:46 AM »
Hi everyone
I haven’t posted for a while due to moving to a new house, moving half way across the country and sorting out my new accommodation (and the lack of internet access). However here I am, still in one piece and my cottage is fabulous. I can’t say the move was emotionally easy – believe it or not leaving my WH behind (with the unresolved issues that go with that) was the hardest thing I have ever had to do, it still feels so surreal that I have managed to move to a new life without his knowledge/input (how can I feel guilty about not telling him after all he has put me through ::)) . Nevertheless, I have come so far thanks to a lot of support and good advice from all of you out there in the “virtual hero spouse world” and barbiedoll ;D
In terms of my WH – I have informed him that I have moved (I needed him to sort out some of the bills which were in his name). He knew I was moving but thought it was somewhere local and not out of area (he still doesn't know where I am).  I got a reply back saying thanks for informing him that I have moved, and he hopes I am happy in my new flat (yeah right…).  It was a rather curt text - sounded pissed off/angry – probably because I didn’t take him up on the offer to help me move and he no longer knows anything about what’s happening in my life.  Since then all I have had is silence – not a single piece of communication which is very strange for him as he contacted me sometimes up to 3 times a week. On the one hand it has raised some feelings of uncertainty/insecurity about what’s going on with him (and his bimbo OW) and then on the other it’s been quite nice for me and I am certainly a lot less stressed about things as I slowly become more detached from the situation. I know that moving was the best thing for me but I did think that I would feel happier in myself but I guess I just need to give it TIME… :(
Although I feel strong, self-doubt still raises its ugly head every now and then as I come to terms with how my life has changed so drastically in the last 6 months since BD – its hard to believe sometimes.  I am still struggling with depression and am on anti-depressants which have helped hugely, and I still can’t really eat properly (he told me I was obese).  Ok…enough self-pity and ranting……. :P

Offline Nerissa

  • Subscriber, 6 Month
  • Jr. Member
  • *
  • Posts: 56
  • Gender: Female
Re: Walk away or hang in there?
« Reply #71 on: March 30, 2018, 03:14:13 AM »
Congratulations on your move.  It will be good for you I am sure.  I eventually left my home in Europe to return to the UK, after over 20 years, and also informed H just days before.

Unlike you, it took me over a year to make the move as I was too frightened to ‘give up’.

Actually it caused increased interest in his part but I said I wanted less contact until we had sorted ourselves out a bit.  I didn’t expect it would have such a positive effect on me though. The distance - and not wondering if we’d be meeting at the weekend and the feeling I was waiting for him dissipated.  I started to be force to organise my own life and the past 5 months have been healing and I feel more equal to him now.

I shall be going back to speak to him and prepare the house for sale next month.  I don’t know what to expect or what he is thinking.  But taking responsibility is very empowering.

During lonely times, I would call a friend or lie in the sofa and ask myself “Am I ok now, at this moment?”  And I kind of was: it takes away fear of the future to an extent.

I think you have been really brave and taken a step which, although difficult, will shorten the limbo and indecision we find ourselves in.  Reconnection can be easier, paradoxically, because you have asserted your independence and are increasing uncertainty for him.  But don’t rush to do it.  I think it’s more useful to establish yourself a little bit first.

All the best


Offline Schratz66

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 1027
  • Gender: Female
Re: Walk away or hang in there?
« Reply #72 on: March 30, 2018, 11:14:37 AM »
Steph,
Following along and just wanted to pop in and say congratulations on the fabulous cottage and new job.
You sound so much better already - keep going
Me 50
H 49
AD 20 from previous R
Known H since 1993
Together since 2000
BD 06/21/2017
OW High School Sweetheart lives 4 hrs away

Offline same33

  • Sr. Member
  • ****
  • Posts: 334
  • Gender: Male
Re: Walk away or hang in there?
« Reply #73 on: March 30, 2018, 11:30:08 AM »
steph, all things considered, you sound pretty good! Don't get down on yourself. I think we are all going to cycle through the sadness, anger and whatever. That's fine and perfectly normal.

I'm so sorry about you being called obese. I personally know how bad that one hurts. Even though I weight 50lbs less than I did when we first got married, it's just not good enough. It has nothing to do with us, but that one hurts no matter what we do. I wish I could do or say something to make you feel better in all of that. Big hugs! Hang in there!
M-44
W-41
S12, S9, S7
Married 9/25/2004
13 years of marriage
BD#1- December 22, 2014
BD#2- January 2, 2018

Offline If_only

  • Full Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 165
  • Gender: Female
Re: Walk away or hang in there?
« Reply #74 on: March 30, 2018, 11:50:09 AM »
Hi Steph:

Still following and supporting you! My h never even knew or cared where I moved.  He didn’t even ask for 2 months. 
I know how hard this all is but you are doing great!
Big Hugs If

Offline stephTopic starter

  • Jr. Member
  • **
  • Posts: 34
  • Gender: Female
Re: Walk away or hang in there?
« Reply #75 on: April 05, 2018, 05:38:28 AM »
Hi everyone
Quick update – still hit and miss with internet access so bear with me – this should be sorted by next week……on the practical side, I have started my new job, my new accommodation is working out fine (WH still unaware of where I am) and am slowly getting to a place of balance and peace.

On the emotional side, I am not doing so great…….I received I long rambling email from my WH about how hard done by he is and how he is unable to abandon his OW  - he stated that she has had catastrophic upheaval in her life too (as if I care) and that she has chosen to make him the focus of how to deal with this – he says that this is a mystery and a surprise to him (really…..talk about having your ego stroked) and also how he will leave no legacy behind, how hard his working life is …blah, blah blah (it was all very depressing). In amongst all the ramblings was a sentence stating that the only way forward is to accept divorce, but he still wants to be involved in my life (asked about my accommodation, am I secure, and I taking care of myself, how he will always love me and maybe we can meet up in the future and laugh about the great times we had - something to look forward too….). He ended with a patronising comment at the end of the email saying I should take my time to respond as no doubt there will be questions and confusion…..

I don’t want a divorce at this stage (even though I know many of you would not agree with this, for me personally I think it’s all a bit soon – to many changes in my life to quickly and it would be a knee jerk reaction rather than one which is based on logical thought)). I thought I could email him back and say that if this is what he really wants then he needs to proceed and that I will not have any further contact with him ever again – if it’s over then it’s over – there will be no going back, and everything can be negotiated through solicitors. I want to make it clear to him that this course of action is entirely his choice and that I am not in agreement with his decision but have no option but to accept it. I haven’t yet responded and would appreciate any advice or opinions on how to proceed……..help……… ::)


Offline FearNot

  • Subscriber, 6 Month
  • Sr. Member
  • *
  • Posts: 449
  • Gender: Female
Re: Walk away or hang in there?
« Reply #76 on: April 05, 2018, 04:48:51 PM »
Hi Steph!

Congrats on the new job and the new home! Sounds awesome. :D

I'm sorry to hear that emotionally you're having a tough time right now. Please know there are brighter days ahead! Hang in there. As for the emails that you received about "poor me, my life, my work is so difficult, let 's be friends after D etc",  not abnormal. You might want to check out "Kittys" thread. She has dealt a fair amount with this with her MLC'er and has done really well, and such grace. It might provide some insight for you.

You don't have to agree to a divorce. If you are choosing to stand, you get to choose how long you want to do that for! You also have a voice in not wanting the D. I have chosen to tell my H that this is entirely his D if he so chooses it. I will not aid him in it, I don't want it. We don't have to make it easy for them ( although sometimes for other reasons LBS may find it beneficial to agree) but it is THEIR choice. It's one thing to take responsibility for mistakes we may have made during our M, but learn and move forward. We're not perfect, but we did not give up and walk away. I don't feel that we as the LBS have to take responsibility for the decision for them to walk away from the M. You have a right to stand by your morals, values and vows, if you so choose too! I'm around the 3.5 month mark from my BD, H has tried to move this along quickly. Personally I'm digging in my heels and dragging it out for as long as I possibly can. Focus on you and what is right for you! That's who needs to be taken care of right now.

Stay strong, time is your friend. No need to respond quickly to anything he sends :). Hugs!
M 46
H 39
No Kids
Married 5yrs, Together 11yrs
BD Oct 31/17
ILYBINILWY Dec 21/17
2nd BD- Dec 27/17
OW-Confirmed Jan 3/17

 Isaiah 43:1 " But the Lord says.. Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name; you are mine. "

"It's ok to be scared. Being scared means you're about to do something really, really brave." Anonymous

Offline Savoir Faire

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 4151
  • Gender: Female
Re: Walk away or hang in there?
« Reply #77 on: April 05, 2018, 08:42:52 PM »
Hi Steph, I'm Savoir Faire or Savvy as I am known here.  I'm in my fifth year of this MLC rubbish and my H is still with an OW3.

You are handling this well and better since not engaging with him.  This takes a long time to understand and being away from him is probably best for you while you sort things out.

In relation to replying to his email, I would keep it short as MLCers have verfy short attention spans and also read things into what we write so short and simple is good.

Tell him if he feels the need to end the marriage (divorce) but don't use that term if possible, he needs to do the work to make this a reality.  Many MLCers will not divorce and just keep on threatening to do so.  They have very little idea of what they want and think if they divorce us, they will finally be free and happy but it never works that way.  He may have to do it to find out ::)

He is telling you about his life so you feel sorry for him and all the blame he directs at you, is to make himself feel better or convince himself that you are the problem and not him.  I wouldn't bother responding to this stuff - just say "Thanks for your email" and get on with the "If you feel the need to end our marriage, you will need to do this yourself as it's your divorce."

When you respond don't ask questions or sound confused - keep all correspondence like a business letter.  Please remember that NOTHING you say makes ANY difference to whether they return or not - NO DIFFERENCE AT ALL.  I wish I had know this 5 years ago as I would have acted differently and not allowed his BS.  I have always been kind to my H and tried not to lose my temper, he makes it easier as his guilt keeps him from contacting me. 

These guys never get happier or have a better life than the one they did with us - please KNOW this is true.

I found reading Denjef's thread invaluable at learning what's in their head. She was a MLCer whose husband went in to MLC after she came out and her story is fascinating from the dark side of MLC - she gives us all hope.

Steph, try reading all you can on this site about the MLCer, it helps a lot to know it's them and not us at all.

Stay strong........

((((((((Hugs))))))))

"And when they ask you about me and you find yourself thinking back on all of our memories,
I hope you ache in regret as the truth hits you like a bullet and you find yourself replying: ""She loved me more than anyone else in the entire world and I tried to destroy her."  He failed by the way. 
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8412(Denjef's thread)

Offline barbiedoll

  • Moderator
  • Hero Member
  • *
  • Posts: 1608
  • Gender: Female
Re: Walk away or hang in there?
« Reply #78 on: April 05, 2018, 09:28:45 PM »
Hi Steph ... good to know you are getting settled in the new cottage and job... so many BIG changes for you !  You do know of course that you have just done one of the most courageous and difficult things a women can do ?  You do impress many of us here with your strength and that is the truth!  Amazing lady !

Lets just walk thru some of your last post :

Quote
…….I received I long rambling email from my WH about how hard done by he is and how he is unable to abandon his OW  - he stated that she has had catastrophic upheaval in her life too (as if I care) and that she has chosen to make him the focus of how to deal with this – he says that this is a mystery and a surprise to him (really…..talk about having your ego stroked)
.

ohh boy ! Is he ever getting his hungry little ego stroked ! MLC men just luv this nonsense . No big mystery at all . In my opinion, this is opportunity for a very clear boundary. Why in the world would he assume you need to know ANYTHING  about his OW?  Or listen to his craze ramblings about her life, her catastophies blah blah blah. This is unacceptable . I suggest you advise H that in the future it is not necessary to share any private or personal details of his relationship, thoughts or situation with his OW. That you would prefer to respect his privacy and to keep those details out of all further communications with you . Remember .. you are the WIFE, not his buddy, not his chum and not his confidant . SHE is nothing more than a temporary symptom of crazeee ego hungry him. Not to be shared with you .

Quote
  In amongst all the ramblings was a sentence stating that the only way forward is to accept divorce, but he still wants to be involved in my life (asked about my accommodation, am I secure, and I taking care of myself, how he will always love me and maybe we can meet up in the future and laugh about the great times we had - something to look forward too….).
.

I know you do not want a divorce .. that is valid and reasonable. It is why you are standing. He could be throwing this word around and never actually do a thing about it . If YOU do not want a divorce .. then simply say so .  " Dear H . I have decided that I do not want a Japanese Monkey  and neither do I want a divorce . So I do not intent to invest any interest, time or money into things that I do not want . If you want a divorce then please be advised you will be pursuing this action with no participation or financial support from me . Done... well, maybe leave out the monkey part , just had to say it . Geeeeeze , these asshats really make you just insane . ( sorry)

Quote
but he still wants to be involved in my life (asked about my accommodation, am I secure, and I taking care of myself, how he will always love me and maybe we can meet up in the future and laugh about the great times we had - something to look forward too….).
.

Now this made me reactive ..my husband actually said to me " in the future Barbiedoll, I hope we can have coffee and talk about how wonderfull these girls are " .  HUH?  No forethought ( as if that would ever happen) , no concept of the gravity of his actions and no ability to forecast ( at all ) how YOU might FEEL. This IS MLC madness . I would ignore all of this . This is 100% within your control , not his . What he "wants" is of no consequence whatsoever. He wants to set up his "cake eating table" so he feels less guilt and shame . But those are 2 emotions that he needs to face and feel... so let him. You are fully in control about what you do or do not disclose about your personal life. .. and I suggest it be very little . His actions do not support the word "love" .

Quote
He ended with a patronising comment at the end of the email saying I should take my time to respond as no doubt there will be questions and confusion…..
.

This is for sure patronizing !   WOW! .  There really is not a lot to respond to and ignoring the entire email could be an option. Of course that is your decision.  OR play with it a bit.  "Dear H . I am sorry that you have such a bad case of "confusion". I hope it clears up for you asap. I have responded to your email and should I have any questions in the future I will contact you . For now , everything is fine. Thanks !

Quote
want a divorce at this stage (even though I know many of you would not agree with this, for me personally I think it’s all a bit soon – to many changes in my life to quickly and it would be a knee jerk reaction rather than one which is based on logical thought)).
.

I agree with this and it is absolutely valid. You are not ready nor do you want a divorce ...perfectly reasonable. As stated  ( with the monkey deal) just say it out loud. I will not participate in anyway in a divorce. And leave it at that .

Quote
Although I feel strong, self-doubt still raises its ugly head every now and then as I come to terms with how my life has changed so drastically in the last 6 months since BD – its hard to believe sometimes.  I am still struggling with depression and am on anti-depressants which have helped hugely, and I still can’t really eat properly (he told me I was obese).  Ok…enough self-pity and ranting……. :P
.

Oh has it ever drastically changes ... all the big huge stressors in life all at the same time . It is amazing you are up and going to work and functioning at all. Many could not do what you are doing . You are one strong lady ...  I am still on anti-depressants ( year 5) . Eating and sleeping and selfcare will all fall in to  place once you get more settled. It is all very overwhelming for you .. as it would be for all of us . He said you are obese ?   Shame. Shame on him as a man and a husband and a human for saying such a thing . Let it go Steph ...he is a crazeee man right now . Eat healthy and take care of only YOU .






Married April 1985
5 children
Bomb Drop April 2013
Thrown out of house August 2013
Affair discovered November 2013 (i guessed who)
Home December 3 2013
The Journey Of Reconciliation .. is for the brave .

Anger is like a candle in the wind ... it blows out the light of all reason.

Offline stephTopic starter

  • Jr. Member
  • **
  • Posts: 34
  • Gender: Female
Re: Walk away or hang in there?
« Reply #79 on: April 08, 2018, 06:07:29 AM »
Hello everyone….
Well, barbiedoll your comments about the Japanese monkey really made me laugh – I think having a Japanese monkey would be easier than going through this MLC hell. I hope you don’t mind but I used some of your wise words in my response to him (see below). 
Anyway, thank you all for the great advice and support – I have finally arrived at a place where I have totally detached and stepped aside from his ongoing game playing. I have found the courage to respond to his email (sent it on Friday). I ignored all the ramblings about his life, OW, wanting to stay in touch etc. and concentrated only on what I wanted to say which consisted on the following (and I quote)
I am saddened about how you are choosing to unilaterally end our marriage I will not accept divorce as my choice -  I don’t believe it is a solution to our current situation or the right outcome in the long term for either of us. I cannot describe the way it feels to know that you have chosen to abandon me, our family, our marriage and our future life together. But I understand that it’s time for me to accept the futility of continuing to fight for our marriage and a reconciliation that you don’t want at this present time. I believe any ongoing contact with you will only add to the great amount of pain, hurt and damage to an already severely harmed relationship. Therefore, this will be my last direct personal communication and contact with you. You are choosing, by your actions and words, to no longer be a part of my life by wanting divorce, and I will respect that choice. Consequently, I can longer share any part of my life with you and at this present time I do not wish to see you or hear from you. Your choice to end our marriage in divorce is yours alone, I do not intend to invest any interest or time into something I do not want; as such you must proceed along that chosen path and any further communication and negotiation between us can be done via solicitors”.
What does everyone think – should I have been harsher????  I know he doesn’t deserve to be treated with any respect or kindness, but my intention is to keep things civil so that when the divorce goes through I cannot be accused of being the “crazy, spiteful, malicious ex-wife”. I know it’s a bit late to be asking for any input into the content of the email I sent him, but I would appreciate your thoughts anyway…….
It’s funny but I feel relieved – even though my intention at this stage is to do nothing but wait to see what he does, I feel like I have control over the situation and will get stronger with the NC. I know many of you have rightly asked about financial security, legal advice etc – I have previously sought legal advice (on 2 separate occasions) so I am aware of my rights and I have a lawyer lined up for when he files for divorce; I separated our finances back in December 2017 and we no longer have any joint accounts/credit cards – everything is in our own individual names and I am financially fairly secure (better than he is).  The only thing we still share is our mortgage (which he is paying) and I need to keep it that way as it needs negotiating as part of the divorce. As most of you are aware I have relocated (out of the area where this all happened) and have started a new job (he remains unaware of this and thinks I am still where he left me) so in many ways I have already started a new life (its just hard to let go of the old one but I guess that will just take time). Thank you all for the ongoing support, wise words and feedback – it is invaluable to me.
Quick update…….so after sending that email to him on Friday, I received a text yesterday saying that he had received it but had not yet read it – he was intending to read it this morning…….what on earth was the point of that???????


Offline Treasur

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 3425
  • Gender: Female
Re: Walk away or hang in there?
« Reply #80 on: April 08, 2018, 07:48:38 AM »
My STBXH used to do that in the first year or so of this madness. In his case (MLC-English translation) it meant 'I feel a bit overwhelmed, don't know what to do or say but don't want you to feel I'm ignoring you.' If your H is the same, most likely you will get no response at all to the email.  ::)

Are you going to read any emails he sends or just stick to your via Ls boundary, Steph?
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD)
No kids.
BD Oct 15. OW since Apr 16?
H filed Jan 17. Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.

Grateful for any appearance of the tiny karma bus  
"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline stephTopic starter

  • Jr. Member
  • **
  • Posts: 34
  • Gender: Female
Re: Walk away or hang in there?
« Reply #81 on: April 10, 2018, 12:03:24 PM »
Sticking to the boundaries.....no response to my email......so far so good. The next response I get will probably be from a solicitor......and I am ready for that.... In the meantime I am focusing on my new job and cottage and spending time with my family. Can't say I don't miss him cause I do, but his crazy MLC behaviour and the thoughts of what he is doing no longer fill my mind constantly.....it's funny because I am emotionally worse first thing in the morning and do struggle to get out of bed.....but once I am up I just get on with it. It sad really because I wish I could hate him for what he has done but I can't.

Offline sampsed

  • Subscriber, 12 Month
  • Hero Member
  • *
  • Posts: 581
  • Gender: Female
Re: Walk away or hang in there?
« Reply #82 on: April 10, 2018, 12:53:28 PM »
I can't hate my H either.  Why..because I know it is not the H I really know and love.

I actually used to feel pity...now I just started with some anger but anger at his actions not at him.

Overall, I am past being numb and I am just neutral.
I choose to feel blessed.”
I choose to feel grateful.
I choose to be excited.
I choose to be thankful.
I choose to be HAPPY.”

https://affaircare.com/the-180/

No matter what....find a positive...no matter how small it is there is always a positive.

BD 10 29 2017  Moved out same day to be with OW (EA become PA approx. 2 mos prior)
BY 1966
H BY 1966
Married 32.5 years
Together 35 years
D - 1989 Married with 2 children, living locally
S -  1991 Professional School living across Country  - Still relies on us for support
3 Dogs - 1 was his baby that he left behind
Standing
No legal action yet
3/5/18 OW moved to another State  H moved in with F  
3/19/18  H moved home and is living in spare room  Reason:  Wasn't happy living with F and had an urge to want to be Home.  OW moved out of State.

Offline barbiedoll

  • Moderator
  • Hero Member
  • *
  • Posts: 1608
  • Gender: Female
Re: Walk away or hang in there?
« Reply #83 on: April 10, 2018, 04:16:52 PM »
Hi Steph

Glad to hear determination in your voice and you are enjoying your "new life" as best you can . There will be an underlying sadness ..as is the case for the majority of LBS . How can it be any different when we did not want any of this in the 1st place? But it sounds like you are rising above it and moving forwardregardless ... and that is no easy feat . I hope you see how strong you have been . I do not hear you talk about anxiety . I suffered extreme anxiety for a very long time and it certainly adds to the struggle .

Quote
Quick update…….so after sending that email to him on Friday, I received a text yesterday saying that he had received it but had not yet read it – he was intending to read it this morning…….what on earth was the point of that???????
.

What the hec is the point of that ???  How odd really.

I do wonder about your boundary of not reading any emails that he may send you . I wonder if that is even possible especially if it may be about mortgage, money or legal stuff. NO CONTACT is about you going no contact ( not chasing or pursuing) but you have no control over his contacting you . I am concerned this may not really be possible and you will feel anxious or pressured to leave unread emails . What do you think about that ?
Married April 1985
5 children
Bomb Drop April 2013
Thrown out of house August 2013
Affair discovered November 2013 (i guessed who)
Home December 3 2013
The Journey Of Reconciliation .. is for the brave .

Anger is like a candle in the wind ... it blows out the light of all reason.

Offline stephTopic starter

  • Jr. Member
  • **
  • Posts: 34
  • Gender: Female
Re: Walk away or hang in there?
« Reply #84 on: April 10, 2018, 10:36:37 PM »
I suffered hugely with anxiety in the first few months....didn't eat, sleep, had a lot of self doubt. Went onto anti-depressants which had the added bonus of being an anti anxiety as well and that made a massive difference. In terms of no contact.....I am obviously hoping that he won't file for divorce however at this point I am really tired of the lack of decision making on his side -I know it's part and parcel of MLC but he has to take some responsibility for the consequences of his actions. If he does decide to file for divorce then his solicitor can get in touch with me and I will provide them with my solicitors contact details. Also, I don't want him to know I have moved out of the area, he doesn't need to know anything about my life - at least not while he is choosing to be with someone else.

Offline Nerissa

  • Subscriber, 6 Month
  • Jr. Member
  • *
  • Posts: 56
  • Gender: Female
Re: Walk away or hang in there?
« Reply #85 on: April 11, 2018, 06:07:42 AM »
I think it was kind but civil.  You are doing amazingly well.  I expect he has read it but doesn’t know how to answer because I think the no contact stipulation frightens them.

I’ve said before but I’ll repeat that moving and finding the strength to start a new life will be hugely helpful to you in the long run.  Just be careful of yourself and if it gets too much, find some help to support you.

Your independence will be a surprise to him and he won’t like to see that you aren’t standing still.  It’s only in hindsight I can truly understand what people mean when they say hat if we remain stuck, so will they.  The other advantage of moving is that limiting contact will prevent you hurting the relationship by to and fro ing , so you will limit the damage so often compounded after BD.

I agree with Barbie that your boundary about NC is quite severe and you might find you need to break it.  I think it’s easier just to do it without stating your position so you are not limiting your options if you want to reply to him.  Moving away is about as big a statement as you can make in my opinion sonyou don’t need to be strict on other things.

I also find mornings hard but am fine once I’m up and about.  Keep remembering that the day gets better.



Offline stephTopic starter

  • Jr. Member
  • **
  • Posts: 34
  • Gender: Female
Re: Walk away or hang in there?
« Reply #86 on: April 11, 2018, 12:08:51 PM »
Thank you for the relies to the above - I can understand why you think my response may have been a bit on the punitive side so I have done some serious reflection today as to the reasons why I have asked for no contact except through solicitors.  I am just so tired of it all - the ups and downs - the waiting for the contact he initiates (or not) - its like being permanently in a state of unpreparedness - one minute I get a text stating how "my nobility fills his heart with respect and regret - regret for what he has lost through his actions and selfishness  and then next he's talking about divorce. I think I have done everything I can to try and save my marriage - honestly I don't know how you amazing women (and men) have stood by for years while this has continued. I know it sounds like I am giving up (I'm not) but with everything else that's going on right now I cant afford to dwell on his MLC.  I haven't heard anything from him since the crazy text message following the email I sent and I don't quite know how I feel about that - I guess a part of me hopes he will contact me because it fills me with hope (false hope that he still loves me  :'() but I do realise that at this stage the best thing I can do is let it go - he is choosing to be with his AP and I have to learn to accept that.  The NC is very hard for me but I do find the longer it goes on the easier it gets......so I will let things unfold as they should and in the meantime try find some peace and solace in believing that for me things will start getting a little easier but for him things will start getting a little harder......... ;D

Offline Nerissa

  • Subscriber, 6 Month
  • Jr. Member
  • *
  • Posts: 56
  • Gender: Female
Re: Walk away or hang in there?
« Reply #87 on: April 11, 2018, 12:34:23 PM »
It isn’t punitive and if it gives you peace then that’s all for the best.  It’s just that if you make a boundary that  would like him to break, or that you might want to break, you might be making things a little hard on yourself.  Don’t be tough on yourself.

Offline barbiedoll

  • Moderator
  • Hero Member
  • *
  • Posts: 1608
  • Gender: Female
Re: Walk away or hang in there?
« Reply #88 on: April 12, 2018, 06:28:15 PM »
Hi Steph..

Quote
I am just so tired of it all - the ups and downs - the waiting for the contact he initiates (or not) - its like being permanently in a state of unpreparedness - one minute I get a text stating how "my nobility fills his heart with respect and regret - regret for what he has lost through his actions and selfishness  and then next he's talking about divorce.
.

This is a really good response...I just love it!. The drama of it all, the living on edge , always anticipating "something"...blah blah blah. It really is so draining and just sucks the life out of you . It can feel very empowering to just throw in your hand and say " just not playing anymore ".  Detachment at its finest !

Quote
I think I have done everything I can to try and save my marriage
.

I agree ..although the second person in "your" marriage is not participating , so let him get on with his crisis. You have done everything ..and that gives some measure of peace. There is no more you can do .

Quote
I know it sounds like I am giving up (I'm not)
.

I do not believe you are giving up at all. I think you are making mature and wise decisions to protect yourself and move towards good self care and peace .

Quote
The NC is very hard for me but I do find the longer it goes on the easier it gets
.

It has been very very hard for you , but you have mastered it!  So very good for you indeed ! It will get easier as time goes by.. but the loss will stick with you for some time. You are making some great moves in the right direction.

Quote
for me things will start getting a little easier but for him things will start getting a little harder......... ;D
.

I believe this is 100% true.






Married April 1985
5 children
Bomb Drop April 2013
Thrown out of house August 2013
Affair discovered November 2013 (i guessed who)
Home December 3 2013
The Journey Of Reconciliation .. is for the brave .

Anger is like a candle in the wind ... it blows out the light of all reason.

Offline stephTopic starter

  • Jr. Member
  • **
  • Posts: 34
  • Gender: Female
Re: Walk away or hang in there?
« Reply #89 on: April 16, 2018, 12:42:24 PM »
Hi Everyone
I am now online with internet access so here is an update – after sending him the email about his choice to get divorced, and asking that we only communicate and negotiate through solicitors, today I received an email saying that he has contacted a mediation service and that they want to meet with us individually to mediate and could I let him know where I would like it to happen…..he still thinks that I am living locally (not 200 miles away)  :o To be honest there isn’t much to mediate over – just a jointly owned house and a boat – there are no children and financially we are both independent of each other…… ::). But I don't want to appear unco-operative  - someone suggested that he may be trying to cut costs of a solicitor????
I am in the process of getting some legal advice, but again I find myself puzzled as to why he can’t just do as I ask and go ahead and file for divorce – surely mediation can be done during the process and by doing it this way it will only delay things…….I don’t intend to contest the divorce, even though its not my choice (I am just so tired of it all and just want to try find some peace in my life without having to worry about what's happening next).  I just want him to take some action and get his head out of his backside…….Any wise advice welcome… :o

Offline bvFTD

  • Sr. Member
  • ****
  • Posts: 432
  • Gender: Female
Re: Walk away or hang in there?
« Reply #90 on: April 16, 2018, 01:26:08 PM »
Please trust your instincts and hire your own attorney. I think mediation with these unbalanced spouses is stressful and futile. Their idea of fairness is to get everything in the divorce and to graciously allow us to keep the clothes on our back.

Offline barbiedoll

  • Moderator
  • Hero Member
  • *
  • Posts: 1608
  • Gender: Female
Re: Walk away or hang in there?
« Reply #91 on: April 16, 2018, 05:13:30 PM »
Finally up and running with the internet ! I hope you are feeling somewhat settled now that the move is behind you .  What I find very very interesting about many of these men is they seem to throw the word "divorce " around like it is some big threat . It cannot be that they really intend to get married again asap...so I am never sure why they push this "divorce" thing. Really, when you are living separately , it is like divorce without the paperwork done. I know many talk about it and then never do it . It is all just very odd to me .

Quote
go ahead and file for divorce – surely mediation can be done during the process and by doing it this way it will only delay things…….I don’t intend to contest the divorce, even though its not my choice

I would agree. Go ahead and file and if we need "mediation " then we will do it as part of the process. Seems like he wants to "talk about it " rather than doing it .  I certainly would seek my own legal advise as you go thru the process. Throw the ball back in his court ...tell him to file . No problem .
Married April 1985
5 children
Bomb Drop April 2013
Thrown out of house August 2013
Affair discovered November 2013 (i guessed who)
Home December 3 2013
The Journey Of Reconciliation .. is for the brave .

Anger is like a candle in the wind ... it blows out the light of all reason.

Offline UrsaMajor

  • Moderator
  • Hero Member
  • *
  • Posts: 5801
  • Gender: Male
  • You can't please everyone, you aren't a pizza
Re: Walk away or hang in there?
« Reply #92 on: April 17, 2018, 06:38:02 AM »
Quote from: Steph
I just want him to take some action and get his head out of his backside……

You could be waiting a VERY long time for either one... Saying "Mid-Lifers" and "taking action" in one sentence is a contradiction in terms... they don't want to take action because then it looks like they are the bad guy (which they are but .. )
Me - 54
MLC - 47
Together 20 years - Married for 17 at separation
S - 11
D - 7
2 Canines (each of us has one)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold and separated - March 2016
Mid-Lifer is initiating D

Survival Instructions for Newbies
Site Map
 
A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Offline stephTopic starter

  • Jr. Member
  • **
  • Posts: 34
  • Gender: Female
Re: Walk away or hang in there?
« Reply #93 on: April 17, 2018, 12:12:08 PM »
Thoughts tonight – I thought I would share…..

I ended up chatting to an elderly man on the bus home tonight – he sat down next to me and commented on the weather. The conversation continued from there with me asking about family etc. He said that he had lost his wife 5 years previously and was now living by himself…..he said that he had some regrets in life one of which was that he had neglected his wife and his marriage and yet she had been there for him all through his mistreatment of her (he didn’t go into great detail but said that he wished he could go back and change things). I responded by saying that she must have loved him very much and if your love is that strong nothing was unforgivable…………… He turned to me with tears in his eyes and said that may be true but forgiving oneself is the hardest thing of all……

It really got me thinking about whether my WS and all those other WS’s ever regret what they have done………any thoughts……

On a personal note……. I have an appointment to speak to a solicitor on Thursday about mediation and divorce options – I have emailed my WS back requesting clarification on his reason for mediation – I am trying to buy some time until I can get legal advice and at this stage I don’t want to appear obstructive. Have not heard anything yet…….

Work is good – my day is full and I have no time to think about anything except to focus on the challenges work is presenting……..


Offline Savoir Faire

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 4151
  • Gender: Female
Re: Walk away or hang in there?
« Reply #94 on: April 17, 2018, 07:12:15 PM »
I do think the MLCers regret what they have done, even if they never tell us or contact again.  How could you not regret what you had done if the tables were turned?  I know I would find it hard to live with myself.

Sounds like the man may have been a MLCer at one time in his life.

I don't think you'll get a coherent response about mediation from your H, ost of them have nio clue why they do anything and give positively crazy reasons why they want things. 

It will be good to see your solicitor to gain clarification about your rights and how to go forward with this.

"And when they ask you about me and you find yourself thinking back on all of our memories,
I hope you ache in regret as the truth hits you like a bullet and you find yourself replying: ""She loved me more than anyone else in the entire world and I tried to destroy her."  He failed by the way. 
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8412(Denjef's thread)

Offline Anjae

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 13732
  • Gender: Female
Re: Walk away or hang in there?
« Reply #95 on: April 17, 2018, 08:00:17 PM »
I think most, if not MLCers, regret their actions.

To me it sounds more like the man really  mistreatment his wife (as in maybe even being physically abusive) and neglected his marriage. His sorrow may be more to do with being alone than with really regretting things.

Hope your solicitor can clarify things for you.
Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together. (Marilyn Monroe)

Offline barbiedoll

  • Moderator
  • Hero Member
  • *
  • Posts: 1608
  • Gender: Female
Re: Walk away or hang in there?
« Reply #96 on: April 18, 2018, 04:19:21 PM »
My husband has shown deep regret ...would give anything on earth to go back and change it all . there have been times that I have clearly seen remorse and sorrow for what I went threw while he was deeply spinning around in his MLC crisis. Says he will be sorry for all time . There have also been times when showing regret and empathy would have been appropriate and he did not feel or see the "cue"...if that makes any sense at all. There were times of incredible anger and hurt that if he had of said "I am so so sorry for hurting you" in a big strong hug... it would have calmed everything down. But he consistently misses or misreads these moments. Most of that is now behind me ..and I often imagined that MLC men need a "coach" to help them respond , "fix their mess", guide and support them thru reconciliation etc . But there is no coach necessarily although MC helps to prompt responses from him . He can be "cue-less " as well as , well you know ..."clueless". There will never be "enough" . Never enough regret or remorse, or enough well placed words or validation to ease the scars ... and I am aware of that . I no longer seek these things from him. He is not "wordy" so to speak , but I believe I have had more show of pure remorse, healing would have been easier and much faster .

I "see" 100% remorse and deep shame in his actions...every day. I see he has not given up, walked away or threatened to. He has stood thru the hell of his own making ...and that is not remotely an easy thing to do. I see it in his commitment to therapy , has never missed an appointment in 4 1/2 years and still he attends . I see it in the books he reads , the videos ( 100's) that he has watched and the conversations that he has sat thru. IF I had not seen and heard all these things ...trust me ... I would have been gone. I have NO idea how healing is possible without all of this and much much more. 
Married April 1985
5 children
Bomb Drop April 2013
Thrown out of house August 2013
Affair discovered November 2013 (i guessed who)
Home December 3 2013
The Journey Of Reconciliation .. is for the brave .

Anger is like a candle in the wind ... it blows out the light of all reason.

Offline Savoir Faire

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 4151
  • Gender: Female
Re: Walk away or hang in there?
« Reply #97 on: April 18, 2018, 09:12:18 PM »
Barbie, I see your H does have deep regret and remorse, and I also see that each and every person who has been on this forum for years on end, and there are many of us, have something special too - hope and faith that this really is MLC and their H's and W's will eventually come out of this and need a shoulder to cry on.  Any LBS who has a deep belief their spouse can heal from this has as much grit and determination to believe in their love, which is just as brave as the MLCer to show true remorse and regret at the end of crisis.

That alone is enough to say they are the hero's spouse.
"And when they ask you about me and you find yourself thinking back on all of our memories,
I hope you ache in regret as the truth hits you like a bullet and you find yourself replying: ""She loved me more than anyone else in the entire world and I tried to destroy her."  He failed by the way. 
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8412(Denjef's thread)

Offline If_only

  • Full Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 165
  • Gender: Female
Re: Walk away or hang in there?
« Reply #98 on: April 18, 2018, 09:31:03 PM »
That is so true SF.  Continuing to have hope and faith as a LBS is the hardest thing I have done in my life and yet to have a wake up call to work on myself with GAL was something I never imagined I would have to do but yet it is something positive out of this whole nightmare. At times now , I feel as if I am coming out of a fog! What a crazy life!  Hugs If

Offline stephTopic starter

  • Jr. Member
  • **
  • Posts: 34
  • Gender: Female
Re: Walk away or hang in there?
« Reply #99 on: April 19, 2018, 06:27:33 AM »
So, I have now had some new insight into my WH character – yesterday I got a call from a mutual friend who kindly took our 3 cats in when I relocated as I couldn’t bring them with me. Anyway, she told me that one of the cats had been run over by a car and had been killed – I am totally devastated. She told me that she had informed my WH as well (as they belong to both of us) and yet there has been no response from him – he didn’t even acknowledge yet another loss caused by his stupidity. Obviously there is no empathy there ……A few choice words come to mind but I will be a lady……

Also, as some of you suggested, since emailing him on Tuesday requesting a reason for the mediation I have heard nothing (surprise, surprise…..). But I had some legal advice today and have got a few more facts about mediation. The solicitor said that there is no legal reason why he can’t file for divorce (although he may struggle for grounds) before mediation starts. She was very concerned that I was being “bullied” into moving quickly when things are still so raw……Her advice was to keep pushing things back at him and to wait to see what he does. If he files for divorce, then we can meet to discuss financial options/mediation etc.  She said that she thinks due to the circumstances of him moving his OW into the matrimonial home must have been extremely hard for me and that I really need to take a step back and let things ride for a while and not feel rushed into anything (she said she is very impressed that I have managed to get my life together as I have with a new job etc. – which made me feel encouraged…. I said I have had some fantastic support and advice from all of you  ;) family and friends.   She said I am under no legal obligation to tell him where I am at this stage.  So, although I am no further along….I am in control of this situation and feeling strong (at least for today)…… ::). Thank you to each and everyone of you - I dont think you realise how much you have contributed to me GAL..... :-*

Offline If_only

  • Full Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 165
  • Gender: Female
Re: Walk away or hang in there?
« Reply #100 on: April 19, 2018, 06:57:43 AM »
Hi Steph - I am so very sorry about your cat.  I know how sad that is and I truly feel for your loss!  I also know how that feels and how disappointing it is when your h shows no feeling for that loss. 
On a positive note- you are strong and your GAL in s amazing - picking up and moving and starting a new job is amazing on top of everything else you are going through! Sending you strong support!!
Big Hugs IF

Offline Treasur

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 3425
  • Gender: Female
Re: Walk away or hang in there?
« Reply #101 on: April 19, 2018, 09:36:07 AM »
I'm so sorry about your cat...but sadly not surprised at all by your H's response.
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD)
No kids.
BD Oct 15. OW since Apr 16?
H filed Jan 17. Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.

Grateful for any appearance of the tiny karma bus  
"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline Savoir Faire

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 4151
  • Gender: Female
Re: Walk away or hang in there?
« Reply #102 on: April 19, 2018, 06:44:24 PM »
Sorry about your cat Steph, the last thing you needed :'(

So great you have a job and are making the best of this terrible situation.  It was similar for me a few years ago when H left, I had a tentative part-time job, no money as H had cleared out the bank accounts and four children to feed, not to mention the rent at the time.

I was amazed at how I was able to get myself together enough to get a new job, house, and feed the kids.  MLC brings out the worst in them and the best in us.

It will be super important to get some sleep to deal with all the stress.  Go to a doctor if necessary, it's vital.  I found meditation was good as well.

Things will calm down after a while, it does seem like a lot all at once :'(

We are here if you need us.

(((((((Hugs)))))))
"And when they ask you about me and you find yourself thinking back on all of our memories,
I hope you ache in regret as the truth hits you like a bullet and you find yourself replying: ""She loved me more than anyone else in the entire world and I tried to destroy her."  He failed by the way. 
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8412(Denjef's thread)

Offline barbiedoll

  • Moderator
  • Hero Member
  • *
  • Posts: 1608
  • Gender: Female
Re: Walk away or hang in there?
« Reply #103 on: April 19, 2018, 07:00:29 PM »
Steph..so sorry to hear about your cat , that really is very upsetting. No response from your H is no big surprise to me either .

I like many things that your lawyer said to you ! And I agree with all of it . Keep the ball in his court ..he will likely drop it and not even move forward with anything. You do sound strong and able!
Married April 1985
5 children
Bomb Drop April 2013
Thrown out of house August 2013
Affair discovered November 2013 (i guessed who)
Home December 3 2013
The Journey Of Reconciliation .. is for the brave .

Anger is like a candle in the wind ... it blows out the light of all reason.

Offline UrsaMajor

  • Moderator
  • Hero Member
  • *
  • Posts: 5801
  • Gender: Male
  • You can't please everyone, you aren't a pizza
Re: Walk away or hang in there?
« Reply #104 on: April 20, 2018, 02:24:11 AM »
Hi Steph,

I'm so sorry to hear about the cat. Losing a pet is hard but under these circumstances even worse....

Like the rest have said, it is no surprise he hasn't reacted about the kitty because it would mean having to acknowledge that his actions have caused harm.
Me - 54
MLC - 47
Together 20 years - Married for 17 at separation
S - 11
D - 7
2 Canines (each of us has one)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold and separated - March 2016
Mid-Lifer is initiating D

Survival Instructions for Newbies
Site Map
 
A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Offline stephTopic starter

  • Jr. Member
  • **
  • Posts: 34
  • Gender: Female
Re: Walk away or hang in there?
« Reply #105 on: April 20, 2018, 10:04:04 AM »
Really long rant – apologies in advance………Isn’t it amazing what 24 hours can do – yesterday I was on top of the world – in control and positive - today I am completely opposite –  the cat dying along with all my life changes have suddenly hit me all at once – I am tearful and uncertain about the decisions I am making - I have referred myself back to IC for some support.  I have detached from him and yet I still get the perpetual cycle of up and down, up and down - is this normal?? ::)

Also I have done a lot of reading about MLC and would be grateful if someone could give me some information about or a link to the meaning of the MLC tunnel which is referred to in almost all the stuff I have read.   :o

On top of this all, I got a response from my WH to my question about the reasons for the mediation - he wrote (and I quote)……. “ My understanding is that mediation is the first stage of the legal process that allows us to proceed with separation of our assets and liabilities” – it sounds like something he has googled… I don’t think he has been to speak to a solicitor I think he is looking all this stuff up online otherwise he would know about the process…… oh and he did mention the cat but not in any empathetic way…..I haven’t responded.  It’s amazing how him contacting me just adds to my anxiety and uncertainty about myself – weird how I prefer NC to the contact now – how the tables have turned??  But, I have to question whether I am just burying my head in the sand instead of taking the bull by the horns ???

So where does that leave things – as you all know my solicitor gave me some great advice in relation to trying to slow things down a bit (she felt I was being pushed by him into agreeing to mediation) as well as the fact that the lack of mediation doesn’t stop him from petitioning for divorce - so why doesn’t he just do it???  But I find myself in a dilemma – on the one hand I just want to not respond and wait for him get in touch again (he’ll probably threaten me with lawyers again like he did the last time I didn’t respond) and on the other I just want to say – “get on with it then if this is what you are intending to do - WTF are you waiting for???”.   I find myself wondering if he is doing this on purpose to either stay in touch with me, taunt me into getting fed up with him and taking the action myself or whether his lack of indecision is part of the MLSC process thereby  delaying this divorce he so flippantly mentioned about 4 weeks ago ……I guess I just want to “fix” all this and am impatient about getting it sorted which is not good if you are hoping to salvage any part of the crazy process (never mind him I feel like I am going crazy myself).
I am so bad at sticking to boundaries…….
Help as I try to continue to fight (alone) for my marriage......

Offline CallingHeart

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 619
  • Gender: Female
  • Vanisher
Re: Walk away or hang in there?
« Reply #106 on: April 20, 2018, 11:07:28 AM »
Hi steph
I'm so sorry about your kitty baby…  :'( it’s so hard to lose a furry family member, especially when it’s so sudden and unexpected.

So, here’s my take on him asking you about mediation.  He wants to know where you are. 
After all he even practically said it: 
        “he has contacted a mediation service and that they want to meet (with each of you) individually
         to mediate and could you let him know where you would like it to happen…..”
       
Hmmmm. Why wouldn’t they contact you without you telling him where you would like it to happen?  Sounds fishy to me.

(BTW when my husband-who-once-was BD and abandoned me, I waited a couple of months, then met with a pro-marriage mediator. I had a letter drawn up to request marriage mediation.  It was sent via certified letter and also via email to my hwow, and you know what he did? He replied in email and copied me: "No thank you, Respectfully,  hwow" 
...he was the King of NC, so why not learn from him ;))

The reason why I’m mentioning this is:
1)  mediator can contact you directly, you don't have to let your husband know where you'd like that to happen (pppfffft)
2)  you don't have to respond right now, you can certainly wait it out.   
     it sounds like you've protected yourself financially and mediation may not benefit you anyway. 
     plus, delaying or not responding buys you some time...
3) When (and if) you do hear from a mediator, you can simply say “No thank you”. 
    You don't owe any explanation, just a polite "no thanks" and that puts the ball back in his court.

None of this is punitive, it's you taking care of you while he's off galavanting with his AP

That interaction with the bus man was awesome. 
These kind of events happen ~ and not by accident. 

Hang in there... and take care!
Dreams are renewable. No matter what our age or condition, there are still untapped possibilities within us and new beauty waiting to be born.

It's no longer all about MLC!  
Pfffffffftttt !

Offline barbiedoll

  • Moderator
  • Hero Member
  • *
  • Posts: 1608
  • Gender: Female
Re: Walk away or hang in there?
« Reply #107 on: April 23, 2018, 06:30:23 PM »
Quote
I have detached from him and yet I still get the perpetual cycle of up and down, up and down - is this normal?? ::)
.

Yes . You are entirely normal. It will be this way for a long time , slowly becoming less frequent and less intense . But it will happen for a long while yet . Look at all the changes you have been thru, and many of them were not your choice. Emotional wounds do take a very long time to heal. I will tell you a truth about myself that I just cannot resolve. My husband has been "back" from his trip to OZ for over 4 years and still I have never been able to put my rings back on. Imagine ?  Even I think that sounds ridiculous , but I still "cycle" all over the place. I can go 2 weeks and feel like I will stay in this marriage and I have survived it after all. The next week I will be triggered by something, or read something or he says something that makes no sense and I will still feel incredible urge to flee . Urgently "flee" and that this marriage is not fixable. Still cycle within myself and it really is beyond my control at this time .

The "tunnel" ..midlifers in crisis describe themselves as trapped in a dark tunnel with no light at the end. They cannot find a way out , there is darkness and depression and this tunnel has a start and a finish. It involves a "fog" and an inability to think clearly, to make decisions , deep emotional pain and confusion and anger . It is like a "trap" , beyond their control and they blame or project on to others all their unhappiness and anger . I am sure it is far more complex , but that is my understanding . There are stages within the tunnel that they must pass thru or get "stuck" and remain in the tunnel.

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2484776

I also think your husband is simply "googling" and reciting like a parrott . Do not let any of it intimidate you in any way shape or form . Does he even have a lawyer ?. They do a lot of "talk" and very little actual "action".  Your lawyer sounds like she is giving you sound advise . Do not be pushed ...take your time and move along at a speed you are comfortable with ( if there is any such thing). There is nothing saying that you must respond to all his jibber. If or when he is actually going to do something , it should be a letter from a lawyer NOT just some quotes off google. Until that time .. what is there to actually do ?

This is sooo painful and I do understand the compulsion to "just get it done and over with already ". We imagine it will give us peace and close the chapter from hell. I am not sure it actually works like that . You almost need to just "detach" from this part of the process as well and let him do what ever he will do ...ignore him until there is something legal presented that you can take to your lawyer .

Quote
never mind him I feel like I am going crazy myself).
.

I sure can relate to this ...it is all so consuming, exhausting and emotional . Ugh. It is crazy making . But you will make it thru ...I promise that you WILL. Apply a little more self care, a little more sun and fresh air , a few more friends that will listen , cry whenever you need to and remember that this is NOT about you. Keep going....
Married April 1985
5 children
Bomb Drop April 2013
Thrown out of house August 2013
Affair discovered November 2013 (i guessed who)
Home December 3 2013
The Journey Of Reconciliation .. is for the brave .

Anger is like a candle in the wind ... it blows out the light of all reason.

Offline Savoir Faire

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 4151
  • Gender: Female
Re: Walk away or hang in there?
« Reply #108 on: April 23, 2018, 07:04:27 PM »
Hi Steph, just checking in to offer support.

I am almost five years into this unfortunately, and still cycle.  The cycling is not as bad as the beginning, but it still has it's ups and downs.

It's a very emotional thing and the shock lasts for a very long time.  Be kind to yourself and don't expect to heal too fast, it takes ages to feel better again but it does happen, I promise.

"And when they ask you about me and you find yourself thinking back on all of our memories,
I hope you ache in regret as the truth hits you like a bullet and you find yourself replying: ""She loved me more than anyone else in the entire world and I tried to destroy her."  He failed by the way. 
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8412(Denjef's thread)

Offline stephTopic starter

  • Jr. Member
  • **
  • Posts: 34
  • Gender: Female
Re: Walk away or hang in there?
« Reply #109 on: April 26, 2018, 12:25:20 PM »
So, here I am 7 months since BD and 1 month since he mentioned divorce – still no action seen……. I haven’t heard anything from him for over a week now – no more asking about mediation and no further mention of divorce (yet) – it’s all gone very quiet. The NC is doing me good now – I find myself dwelling less and less on what going on in his life which is good, but I can’t say I don’t miss him – will this ever go away. I must admit that despite having my family close by and good friends, I am lonely. I have been toying with the idea of trying internet dating – just for company and companionship and to meet new people however it scares me to think I could be either setting myself up for more hurt or ending up hurting someone else for selfish reasons. I am not giving up on my marriage I just think that actually meeting other guys might be good for me……..Has anyone thought about going on a date???

Offline Savoir Faire

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 4151
  • Gender: Female
Re: Walk away or hang in there?
« Reply #110 on: April 26, 2018, 04:24:47 PM »
Meeting other guys will probably make you sad and want you old H back.  I haven't dated at all and it's not for everyone.  If you are lonely, you could join lots of groups which don't involve dating.

As a stander, it is advised not to date as it certainly doesn't help the MLCer and often makes them glad because they no longer have to feel responsible for your happiness.

You have enough to deal with at the moment and bringing another man into it would add to the stress IMHO.
"And when they ask you about me and you find yourself thinking back on all of our memories,
I hope you ache in regret as the truth hits you like a bullet and you find yourself replying: ""She loved me more than anyone else in the entire world and I tried to destroy her."  He failed by the way. 
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8412(Denjef's thread)

Offline stephTopic starter

  • Jr. Member
  • **
  • Posts: 34
  • Gender: Female
Re: Walk away or hang in there?
« Reply #111 on: April 28, 2018, 06:08:01 AM »
I think I spoke to soon……email from WH this morning saying that as he hasn’t heard from me he hopes I am ok. Also, unless he hears differently, he wants to pay the initial fee for local mediation and do I have his passport. He also talked about our goods we have in storage which he wants to sort out and if I want he can send me photos, so I can decide whether I want to keep anything.  He ended saying that he so hopes I am ok and that he will not bore or anger me with his other thoughts……

It’s amazing how just getting this email set me back – I had all the symptoms of anxiety (but for a very short time) and I didn’t get emotional (which is a step forward) for me….

I took a deep breath and replied that mediation is not an option until he chooses to file for divorce and at that point it can be considered. Also, that I don’t have his passport – I haven’t seen it since we came back from holiday last year (he told me about his affair the day after we got back).  I went on to say that I have taken everything I want out of storage so he can take what he wants and get rid of the rest…..short and sweet – no emotion, no information about me, no asking how he is doing…nothing – just business-like and to the point – it would appear that he is still blissfully unaware that I have moved house, job, location etc …... (still living in la la land)…..

Offline stephTopic starter

  • Jr. Member
  • **
  • Posts: 34
  • Gender: Female
Re: Walk away or hang in there?
« Reply #112 on: April 28, 2018, 06:45:55 AM »
Following on from previous post (above)

Another email received asking me to help him renew his car insurance.....I used to do it all when we were together and informed him at the beginning of April that I would be cancelling his car insurance (it was under my name)....why doesn't he ask his 24 year old live in girlfriend to help him......

Offline Treasur

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 3425
  • Gender: Female
Re: Walk away or hang in there?
« Reply #113 on: April 28, 2018, 06:49:16 AM »
You're dealing with this beautifully, Steph. Nope, no longer your job. Short and sweet is just fine.
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD)
No kids.
BD Oct 15. OW since Apr 16?
H filed Jan 17. Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.

Grateful for any appearance of the tiny karma bus  
"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline If_only

  • Full Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 165
  • Gender: Female
Re: Walk away or hang in there?
« Reply #114 on: April 28, 2018, 10:30:30 AM »
Great email Steph - you are handling him so well and I know how hard that is.  Sending you support and hugs! If

Offline barbiedoll

  • Moderator
  • Hero Member
  • *
  • Posts: 1608
  • Gender: Female
Re: Walk away or hang in there?
« Reply #115 on: April 29, 2018, 12:50:31 PM »
As others have said Steph, you really are doing a brilliant job in your responses to him. Factual and responsive to his questions ..no emotion , no personal information. I am not sure he will like that very much as he seemed to want personal connection despite what he has done. So this may well give him pause or ponder and that is not a bad thing. Still trying to lean on you or have you look after things for him ( car insurance) and good for you for not allowing that. I do see some LBS mistake that for feeling "needed" and do all sorts of things for them. I would discourage that as he now needs o deal with all the consequences of his choices . He can call the insurance company just as easy as anyone else and get it all figured out . It is an attempt at cake-eating in my opinion...and there shall be no fork handed to him. I am always impressed by your solid resolve now that you have more emotional stability . Absolutely you will be lonely... and it is a lonely that is hard to fill with people and activities. It is almost like a soul - lonely or an empty spot of loss. It takes time and support to heal that spot but it will soften over the course of your journey . I wish it was all different for all of us ...but the reality is , this is what spouse's in crisis do . You are doing a superb job of making yourself a priority .

Why would he lean on a 24 year old girl ??  It really is almost laughable to say the least ..what would she know ? She is a child with about as much life experience as a knat !  Her daddy is likely paying her car insurance and she has no maturity to spare. At 24, I was reminding my daughter to brush her teeth. UGH! .
Married April 1985
5 children
Bomb Drop April 2013
Thrown out of house August 2013
Affair discovered November 2013 (i guessed who)
Home December 3 2013
The Journey Of Reconciliation .. is for the brave .

Anger is like a candle in the wind ... it blows out the light of all reason.

Offline UrsaMajor

  • Moderator
  • Hero Member
  • *
  • Posts: 5801
  • Gender: Male
  • You can't please everyone, you aren't a pizza
Re: Walk away or hang in there?
« Reply #116 on: April 30, 2018, 02:44:12 AM »
Following on from previous post (above)

Another email received asking me to help him renew his car insurance.....I used to do it all when we were together and informed him at the beginning of April that I would be cancelling his car insurance (it was under my name)....why doesn't he ask his 24 year old live in girlfriend to help him......
And this was your reaction I assume



Quote from: barbiedoll
It is an attempt at cake-eating in my opinion...and there shall be no fork handed to him.

Unless, of course, it is with the pointy ends and stuck in his hand  ;)

As for loneliness.... Yep.... Fact.... My dog has had to endure me ranting, crying, being totally melancholy and down in the dumps.... It's like going on a bear hunt... Can't go under it, can't go over it, can't go around it, have to go through it... But it does end because, in the end, we have the one person that we can count on... ourselves... THAT is a VERY dangerous place for us to get to for the Mid-Lifer... It is at THAT point where we begin to heal and to realize that we are, in fact, worthy of love, that the rubbish we have been subjected to is just that - rubbish and of no value.  Getting a life can help to distract us a bit from the sharpest edges but, as Barbiedoll noted, it is NOT the same - that aching longing for the person that was an intimate part of our lives for so long doesn't just go away fro us like it seems to for the Mid-Lifer...  Over time, that ache does dissipate and we can look back on the good times with fondness but, at the same time, in all honesty, see that there were things that were not healthy for us and things that we need to change and work on.

By keeping the communications to business and not falling for the anchor-checking behavior, you are doing yourself a great service on your own road to healing. It is a form of boundary in that the Mid-Lifer has chosen to put us out of their lives so they no longer have the rights to the information of our every day lives and things like how we are doing.. that is where the "light and breezy" comes in "Fine thanks" and that is all... if that...

UM
Me - 54
MLC - 47
Together 20 years - Married for 17 at separation
S - 11
D - 7
2 Canines (each of us has one)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold and separated - March 2016
Mid-Lifer is initiating D

Survival Instructions for Newbies
Site Map
 
A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Offline intown28

  • Full Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 139
  • Gender: Female
Re: Walk away or hang in there?
« Reply #117 on: April 30, 2018, 10:03:47 AM »
soory for your cat and yes i have been on some dates and got some really great friends out of it yet ....But it's fun to get dressed up and go for dinner I met someone nice a few wks ago he is a chef like me and have been out a few times he supports me a lot and is here for me when im having bad days......You don't have to let your H you are doing it....but you never know what might come out of it I use badoo talk for a while check there facebook out.....Give it A try......and let me know how it goes

Offline stephTopic starter

  • Jr. Member
  • **
  • Posts: 34
  • Gender: Female
Re: Walk away or hang in there?
« Reply #118 on: April 30, 2018, 11:02:27 AM »
Hi everyone – the saga continues…..
So, on Saturday I got the email about the mediation, the passport, sorting out our stuff in storage. Followed on the same day by another email about the car insurance information.  Then on Sunday, I got a phone call from a mutual friend who informed me that my WH had called him during the week (out of the blue) to ask him if he had heard anything from me and if I was ok. My WH told this friend that we were not in touch ( I had asked that he not contact me unless it was through my solicitors).  Our friend told him that he had not heard from me (which is true) but that he had been meaning to call me. My WH then replied that it wasn’t important.  This was followed by another email on Sunday asking for car insurance policy information (I forwarded him the letter of cancellation – with no other information). Then this morning (Monday) I got another email – thanking me for the car insurance policy details and once again asking me if I have any further information about his passport – nothing more about the mediation or divorce…….why doesn’t he just leave me alone – I have had 4 emails in 3 days which is something new. I have not responded to this most recent email…..I don’t have anything left to add……any thoughts on whether or not I should block him so that he can’t email me anymore as I feel he is finding reasons to contact me – I have already told him I don’t have his passport….. uuuugh - what is he doing???????

Offline barbiedoll

  • Moderator
  • Hero Member
  • *
  • Posts: 1608
  • Gender: Female
Re: Walk away or hang in there?
« Reply #119 on: April 30, 2018, 06:19:38 PM »
Hi Steph... maybe he is "anchor checking" , maybe he is flabbergasted and curious as to why you are not pursuing and chasing him, maybe he is seeking any kind of contact thru any excuse, maybe he is drunk and feeling remorse at times...maybe he just is useless at looking after himself. Its just a smorgasboard of guesses really . Even he has no clue why he does what he does... I guarantee it. It is best to continue exactly as you are really. Answer when it is required and ignore the rest . As far as blocking him... it is not really necessary . Remember , you are in control of the contact regardless of him. You can answer, ignore or delete , your choice. I guess I wonder that if you block him and he tries to contact and realizes he is blocked ... then what ?. Will he phone incessantly ? Will he track you down ?  Of course, the choice is yours.

Quote
Meeting other guys will probably make you sad and want you old H back.  I haven't dated at all and it's not for everyone.  If you are lonely, you could join lots of groups which don't involve dating.

As a stander, it is advised not to date as it certainly doesn't help the MLCer and often makes them glad because they no longer have to feel responsible for your happiness.

You have enough to deal with at the moment and bringing another man into it would add to the stress IMHO.
Modify message
.

I completely agree with SF.
Married April 1985
5 children
Bomb Drop April 2013
Thrown out of house August 2013
Affair discovered November 2013 (i guessed who)
Home December 3 2013
The Journey Of Reconciliation .. is for the brave .

Anger is like a candle in the wind ... it blows out the light of all reason.

Offline stephTopic starter

  • Jr. Member
  • **
  • Posts: 34
  • Gender: Female
Re: Walk away or hang in there?
« Reply #120 on: May 05, 2018, 01:49:21 PM »
Ok, here we go again. Got another email today and my WH is still going on about the passport. This time he says he has looked high and low and he still can’t find it…… so he just wants me to confirm that I have mine before he notifies “the authorities” that they are lost.  I mean why can't he just leave me alone – my passport has nothing to do with him at all….. I am really at a loss as to how to respond to him – if I don’t respond then he keeps contacting me ( and I don't really want to go NC - especially since he has been contacting me regularly even if its only about trivial things) but if I do respond then he is in effect “cake eating” as he draws me in every time. I am really fed up with all the manipulation. It's been 5 weeks since he mentioned divorce and nothing since then......my solicitor says to back off and wait for him to take some action and responsibility...Advice anyone…..

Offline If_only

  • Full Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 165
  • Gender: Female
Re: Walk away or hang in there?
« Reply #121 on: May 06, 2018, 10:56:08 AM »
Hi Steph:
It’s difficult during the weekends sometimes on this forum as most are
busy.  I know what you mean on should you answer or not etc. If you don’t answer
him, it will go on and on.  Why not say you have your passport and you have checked for his and it is nowhere to be seen so good idea for him to apply to get a replacement.   I’ve gotten questions like this too and I don’t really see it as cake eating, I look on it that they are sincerely worried when they can’t find something. I just think of my h as being 15 and explain accordingly with a short no emotion reply.Maybe he is anchor checking etc but with my h, he is usually just worried about something to do with his finances or his travel. I don’t think he thinks of me in anyway so I just answer like I would an acquaintance that asked me a question. That’s it!
You are doing great - keep up the good work!   Hugs If

Offline UrsaMajor

  • Moderator
  • Hero Member
  • *
  • Posts: 5801
  • Gender: Male
  • You can't please everyone, you aren't a pizza
Re: Walk away or hang in there?
« Reply #122 on: May 07, 2018, 02:07:45 AM »
Steph,

If you have your Passport, then the easiest is, as others have said, to tell him simply that you have yours but have no information in where his is. Short, sweet, to the point and just business... Where he goes from there or what he does is not your problem to deal with..
Me - 54
MLC - 47
Together 20 years - Married for 17 at separation
S - 11
D - 7
2 Canines (each of us has one)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold and separated - March 2016
Mid-Lifer is initiating D

Survival Instructions for Newbies
Site Map
 
A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

 

SMF spam blocked by CleanTalk
Legal Disclaimer
The information contained within The Hero's Spouse website family (www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com, http://theherosspouse.com and associated subdomains), (collectively 'website') is provided as general information and is not intended to be a substitute for professional legal, medical or mental health advice or treatment for specific medical conditions. The Hero's Spouse cannot be held responsible for the use of the information provided. The Hero's Spouse recommends that you consult a trained medical or mental health professional before making any decision regarding treatment of yourself or others. The Hero's Spouse recommends that you consult a legal professional for specific legal advice.

Any information, stories, examples, articles, or testimonials on this website do not constitute a guarantee, or prediction regarding the outcome of an individual situation. Reading and/or posting at this website does not constitute a professional relationship between you and the website author, volunteer moderators or mentors or other community members. The moderators and mentors are peer-volunteers, and not functioning in a professional capacity and are therefore offering support and advice based solely upon their own experience and not upon legal, medical, or mental health training.