Author Topic: My Story Walk away or hang in there?  (Read 3727 times)

Offline OldPilot

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My Story Re: Walk away or hang in there?
« Reply #10 on: February 17, 2018, 05:32:03 AM »
Just wondering how they get space and time to work through their MLC if the AP is still on the scene?
They affair partner is part of the crisis and the MLC'er falsely thinks that he needs an affair partner, until he comes to the realization that this is not the solution the crisis will continue.

You did not cause this and can not FIX this.

Step back and away and that will help to not slow down the crisis.

Offline stephTopic starter

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Midlife crisis crazy behaviour
« Reply #11 on: February 19, 2018, 10:29:01 PM »
Just a quick question.....after BD my spouse was extremely attentive and caring (guilt ridden no doubt). However, as I have gotten stronger and moved on,  he seems to be withdrawing from me ...reduced contact, unresponsive, sits and looks at me but says nothing. Is this part of crazy MLC behaviour???

Offline Whyus

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Re: Midlife crisis crazy behaviour
« Reply #12 on: February 20, 2018, 02:49:19 AM »
Yes it sounds familiar Steph. As time passes they tend to think that everybody should just get over it already and accept the BS... even be happy for them  >:(.
If a Family member or Friend doesnt do this then they get thrown to one side, same as the LBS. We arent the only victims of MLC madness.
Married - 19,5 Years pre BD
Together - 21,5 Years
Me: 44
W: 44
BD 1: 10.01.2017
BD 2: 24.02.2017 OM 28. Trainings partner. Still together
2 Sons - 18 & 19
2 Dogs and a cat.
Own home . Sold!
Divorce Filed
T1  http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8671.0
T10. http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9547.0

Offline OldPilot

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Re: Walk away or hang in there?
« Reply #13 on: February 20, 2018, 06:15:44 AM »
Threads merged - please try to stick to one thread until 150 posts - it makes it much easier to follow along that way.

Thank you

Offline Thunder

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Re: Walk away or hang in there?
« Reply #14 on: February 20, 2018, 07:04:18 AM »
steph, him withdrawing is just part of the crisis.  The deeper they get into this the more they pull away.
It has nothing to do with you.

You just continue on getting stronger, he will be in this for quite some time.
Go do things that make you happy.
With her permission, a quote from a recovered MLCer: 
From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did.

Offline 1phoenix

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Re: Walk away or hang in there?
« Reply #15 on: February 20, 2018, 07:16:41 AM »
It is hard, but leaving them alone is great advice for a MLC.

You will get through. Most here have been in your place before so just keep asking questions and people will chime in.

Welcome to the gang no one wanted to join, but is a great gang of people from all different perspectives and walks of life.
I learned that courage was not the absence of fear, but the triumph over it. The brave man is not he who does not feel afraid, but he who conquers that fear — Nelson Mandela

I never lose.  I either win or learn! - Nelson Mandela

For we have fallen from our shelves, To face the truth about ourselves.  "The Gift", Annie Lennox

"You must do the thing you think you cannot do."  Eleanor Roosevelt

Grace makes beauty out of ugly things.  U2 "Grace"

We have all been dealt a hand of cards in this game of life.   Are you going to play or fold?

"Train yourself to let go of everything you fear to lose." Yoda

Offline If_only

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Re: Walk away or hang in there?
« Reply #16 on: February 20, 2018, 09:17:10 AM »
Steph: am attaching and supporting you.  I did many of the same things as you and my h sounds similar.  It is very hard. Hugs;  IF

Offline Nerissa

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Re: Walk away or hang in there?
« Reply #17 on: February 21, 2018, 02:38:39 AM »
You seem to be doing very well.  Leaving him be is the answer as others have said. I didn’t manage this for far too long.  We were living in another country when BD happened so I stayed, hoping for a change.  Since I was there only for his work really, it increased my dependence and had only negative consequences.  I am so much better since I came to my home country, even though I don’t have a proper home.  And the contact we do have is healthier because of it.

It’s hard to imagine a relationship with such a young girl lasting very long, since she must have her own issues.  It also took me a long time to be able to focus on anything, but now that I am, my own life is better and if my husband were to want to come back I am genuinely strong enough to ask for things from him rather than just accepting him back.

I genuinely believe this kind of independence is helpful
Since for me, my dependence on him as a sahm and ‘trailing spouse’ seemed to be part of the problem.  So anything you can do to work towards having  that inner confidence is a bonus for you and perhaps for the marriage.

I would not be happy about ow living in a house I owned in case of possible future legal claims so I believe you are right to deal with that. 

You ask how they get space if loving with the ow.  I persuaded mine to stay and ‘give up’ The affair.  All that happened was that he remained obsessed and in contact and it affected me badly.  In the end he left and saw her a few times and it went nowhere (she was much younger too). So I wonder if this would all have been over much quicker had I let him go to experience the reality of his fantasy.

Indecision - yes - 18 months now of ‘I may return’

Time passing - yes - I pointed out that time was affecting his relationship with his daughters and I got a physics/Buddhist lecture about time not tbeing a real ‘thing’

Practical issues?  When I asked where he sees himself in 10 years :’Anything could happen’ .  And financially, we have rented two properties while leaving a very large house empty.  And he has no suggestions for moving on although I have this month asked for a meeting to sort this out by selling.

So please care for yourself and not him.

Offline UrsaMajor

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Re: Walk away or hang in there?
« Reply #18 on: February 21, 2018, 04:51:04 AM »
Quote
Time passing - yes - I pointed out that time was affecting his relationship with his daughters and I got a physics/Buddhist lecture about time not being a real ‘thing’

I am not sure if I want to laugh or cry at this... WTF? Does he think he's living in "The Matrix" or something?

If he wants to see how real time is, just let him not pay his utility bills on time ... When the lights go out, he will have a VERY rude introduction as to how time is, indeed, a real thing...

Steph, as OP and others have noted... Just step back from teh tornado and let it go... You can't fix it, you can't change it, you can't influence it except maybe to make it even longer.... and the only thing it will do for you is create more pain and anguish....
Me - 54
MLC - 47
Together 20 years - Married for 17 at separation
S - 11
D - 7
2 Canines (each of us has one)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold and separated - March 2016
Mid-Lifer is initiating D

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A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Offline stephTopic starter

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Re: Walk away or hang in there?
« Reply #19 on: February 22, 2018, 10:50:37 AM »
Great advice from everyone but I am so full of self doubt about what I am doing. I guess it's because I am acting completely opposite to what comes naturally for me.....(I would the one pursuing). I leave him alone, if he texts me I keep my responses business like and to the point (no emotion). Got an email day before yesterday about our joint house (he is looking at buying me out) and he used the words "as you suggested" like it's my fault that the house needs to get sorted. Also in the email he stated that he knows I have plans but if he can do anything to help I must let him know, he talked about our dog (I have him) and how we need to discuss plans for him (said that the dog was his responsibility) - he hasn't really bothered about the dog in the last 4 months since "abandoning" all responsibility. It's almost like he is playing with me - reel me in...Let me out (backwards and forwards). It took all my efforts not to respond angrily - instead I made him wait a day before answering and then kept the email really short and only about the house - nothing about my plans or the dog. It's just that I wonder if I am doing the right thing when I long to share things with him but I am afraid of getting hurt - especially as the affair continues. Just ranting.......sorry.

 

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