Author Topic: My Story Walk away or hang in there?  (Read 3728 times)

Offline Thunder

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My Story Re: Walk away or hang in there?
« Reply #20 on: February 22, 2018, 11:30:23 AM »
Steph, don't ever be sorry.
We all felt terrible doing the opposite of what we would normally do.  The thing is your H is not acting or thinking normal, so you kind of need to treat him different.

Pursuing him is the last thing you want to do.  It only puts pressure on him.

Keep reading the articles on here, it will help explain things better.
With her permission, a quote from a recovered MLCer: 
From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did.

Offline Nerissa

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Re: Walk away or hang in there?
« Reply #21 on: February 22, 2018, 12:04:13 PM »
I think that according to advice , you re doing the right thing.  I tried to keep the door open andnin olcd him in family events which he liked and since I have stopped, he is sad about, but it kept me hooked, and I realised he felt I was demeaning myself.  I am due to see my H on a week or so.  I don’t know how it will be, but the physical detachment has strengthened me enormously.

AS long as it is clear we are going nowhere, they can prevaricate.  I understand the wish to share talk with him.  It is hard but I tried to find friend to chat to and I became used to it.


Offline stephTopic starter

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Re: Walk away or hang in there?
« Reply #22 on: February 26, 2018, 10:28:29 PM »
So, after another sleepless night, with thoughts going round and round in my head ( you all know how that feels), I am left with more questions than answers as I continue to try accept all that has happened over the last 5 months. Here are some questions which I am hoping you may be able to answer for me. 

- how can a person "erase" 30 years of history and marriage as though it never existed - it's like I don't exist for him anymore after he effectively just abandoned his old life to start a new one.

- he appeared to be withdrawing from me over the last few weeks now he is finding stupid reasons to email me - why can't he just go and be with the OW if that's what he has chosen? I have become wise to the contact now and stick purely to business (he asks how I am doing and about my family). 

- why is he spending money -I get that he will be trying to impress his OW but is it also a way of making himself feel better?

I feel stronger and that I am slowly detaching from the situation but I am starting to have doubts about how I feel about him......is that normal?

Hoping for some wise words from great people who are an inspiration........thank you. 

Offline UrsaMajor

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Re: Walk away or hang in there?
« Reply #23 on: February 27, 2018, 01:05:35 AM »
So, after another sleepless night, with thoughts going round and round in my head ( you all know how that feels), I am left with more questions than answers as I continue to try accept all that has happened over the last 5 months. Here are some questions which I am hoping you may be able to answer for me.

Oh Steph, welcome to the wonderful world of the LBS Monkey Brain.... Every single one of us has had these exact set of questions where the only thing different is the length of time our marriages lasted before BD.... 

I'll take a stab at answering and I am sure others will chime in as well.... 

- how can a person "erase" 30 years of history and marriage as though it never existed - it's like I don't exist for him anymore after he effectively just abandoned his old life to start a new one.

The short answer is "they can't." What the Mid-Lifer does is called compartmentalization... they shove all that away into a box and close it up so they do NOT have to face ANY unpleasant emotions from the past - guilt for destroying a long-term marriage, accountability for their actions... However, those memories are still there and, like acid put into a leaky container, little bits keep escaping and causing them pain, corroding their lives and following relationships (that is why the AD is doomed to die a horrible and ugly death at some point... Right now, he is stuffing everything into that box to avoid "feeling" 

- he appeared to be withdrawing from me over the last few weeks now he is finding stupid reasons to email me - why can't he just go and be with the OW if that's what he has chosen? I have become wise to the contact now and stick purely to business (he asks how I am doing and about my family). 

He wants to make sure that you are where he left you.. This is an anchor check.. The Mid-Lifer is spiraling out of control so they try to retain control over the one thing that was stable in their lives... us.... The biggest threat to the Mid-Lifer if they keep contact is that the LBS will grow forward and move on, leaving them totally adrift and accountable for their own stuff... As long as the LBS is ävailable" (hence the anchor check) to dump on, the Mid-Lifer goes off and does whatever they darn well please so they can get their next shot of "happy." After all, the LBS is sitting safely at home in a puddle of goo, crocheting lace doilies and waiting for the Mid-Lifer to return.... (in their minds).... 

- why is he spending money -I get that he will be trying to impress his OW but is it also a way of making himself feel better?

It gieves him a boost of pleasure/happy.... Yeah, he wants to impress the AD (Affair Down) but also buying himself toys gives him a boost of pleasure to cover over the negative emotions... 

I feel stronger and that I am slowly detaching from the situation but I am starting to have doubts about how I feel about him......is that normal?

Yep! It certainly is... This is cycling and it normal ... It will run the gamut from "Can't live without them" to "Darn, I'd really like to pop a cap in his (or her) a$$ and put them out of my misery." Can't live with 'em and you can't hang 'em from the ceiling fan by their toes either... 

All you can do is to grow forward, focus on yourself and what YOU need for YOUR life, do your own mirror work and become (whether it means returning to or reinventing) the best, new and improved version of you that you can... 
Me - 54
MLC - 47
Together 20 years - Married for 17 at separation
S - 11
D - 7
2 Canines (each of us has one)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold and separated - March 2016
Mid-Lifer is initiating D

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A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Offline Nerissa

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Re: Walk away or hang in there?
« Reply #24 on: February 27, 2018, 01:15:41 AM »
The answers to your questions may become clearer in time but they may not because he isnt very rational just now.

Spending is always a distraction and a temporary feelmgood activity.  And,yes, he may be impressing his AP.  It’s also a way of establishing a kind of independence - spending on things he wouldn’t t usually and without discussion.

I think contact shows he wants to keep you in his life, but what this means medium to long term, no one knows, because he doesn’t know himself.

Changes in feelings can be a bit scary, but you’ll find they change back and forth.  It’s helpful for you if  you do feel some repulsion, and I think it’s a sign of a healthy ego.  I believe you can feel positively again if reconciliation were a possibility. But if he waits too long, you may not want him any more.  That’s a risk he takes.  My own feeling is that it helps you detach so don’t fight it.

I am as puzzled as you about the withdrawal from a long marriage.  In my H’s case I think it was an obsessive desire for a much younger  OW and a fantasy of a new life where he could feel alive and young again instead of a middle aged father.  I believe it is utterly short sighted and they are not thinking about the reality of the later part of their lives.

It is just hitting my H.  He is whining about his daughters not visiting and is getting a dog despite living in an apartment and having a demanding job with international travel.  It’s a childish act of protest but he cannot get admit his mistakes.  And this is a Cambridge university  educated man: it has nothing to do with intelligence. 

Do you ha e a (good) therapist?  They can be helpful.  I wasn’t coping at all at 6 months ( he was still at home then but threatening g to leave) and I had anti depressants for a while to help my anxiety.

It’s hard to explain to you at your stage how time brings some clarity and answers but it will.  I do know for sure that my focus on him was damaging me and the situation.  So you are doing so well in limiting that.

I hear enough from colleagues of my H to know he dumctions well at work but is not quite himself.  He is overly jocular, doesn’t mention Home life and doesn’t go out much.  I also know that enough people have had a kind word with him but he replies that he ‘doesn’t know what to do’.  So all the things we might think help, do not. 

We all need to belong and to have attachments so try to let him suffer without his usual attachments and try to build your own support while this plays out.  It really took me too long to do this - I didn’t t really understand what detaching meant.  It’s a slow process.

Offline stephTopic starter

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Re: Walk away or hang in there?
« Reply #25 on: March 01, 2018, 10:33:44 AM »
Just checking in after what has been another day filled with self doubt and questions. So, yesterday I emailed my H in relation to selling our jointly owned property as I am moving down south in 3 weeks to start my new job (and hopefully life) and will need the money to buy my own property. I'm not sure if I did the right thing but in the email I let him know that I was made aware that he is intending to move the OW into what used to be our home. I purposefully didn't mention her name I just stated that I was aware of the plans regarding his "living arrangements" in our house and the use of the boat (the OW has been discussing their plans with everyone at work) and that it would be in our best interests if we got the house and boat sorted as quickly and as amicably as possible. I am now left wondering if I just shouldn't have mentioned it at all - it suddenly seems so petty except that she will be living in a house that we bought together, restored and shared for 10 years (not to mention that she will be sleeping in my bed!!!). I'm afraid I have hit the angry stage now and am furious with him (haven't let him know) - I m still calm and business like when I email him. I guess I am just so frustrated.........thoughts anyone????

Offline Nerissa

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Re: Walk away or hang in there?
« Reply #26 on: March 01, 2018, 11:25:21 AM »
This is tricky if you are not absolutely sure why you did it.  If you are protesting/ poking the ants nest and hoping he will change his mind, you’ll be disappointed.  If you are sure you need this sorted financially then it’s different.  I spoke to a lovely lawyer who told me that this stuff is best sorted when anger has dissipated if possible and I think we all know this at heart.

If you feel you don’t want to pursue this, don’t worry - just don’t follow up and wait until
You feel More confident about your motivations and intentions.

What is it that you need to happen?  Tbh, we worry about the effect our actions have, but as long as we aren’t a puddled  mess or very vitriolic, I don’t think the long term is affected (and even if we are those things I’m not sure it really makes a difference but at least we have retained self respect and dignity which are the most important things from any perspective)

You sound amazing actually, in Being able to keep your fury to yourself.  If dealing with these sets gives you freedom then it’s good.  I felt for a long time that it would be a cutting of the cords binding us, but at a distance, I feel it is cutting unhealthy bonds so that future interaction is free of a little bit of baggage.  It took a long long time to get to that place though, so go easy on yourself if you aren’t ready.


Offline stephTopic starter

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Re: Walk away or hang in there?
« Reply #27 on: March 04, 2018, 12:01:14 PM »
So, today I had an email from my H and it was a $h!tety one..... blaming me for wanting to sell the house, he said that my friends were "feeding me fantasies" about what was going on in his life (about the OW moving in as I have been reliably informed that she resigned and has a job in the town where we have our joint home, she has moved her animals up there so no doubt she is living in the house with him), he said that because he has to pay for the mortgage, his boat loan, car loan and the insurance policies, that he doesn't have any money and now thats my fault to (he isn't looking at what he has been spending on her).  He said that I am choosing not to share any personal information with him and that he hopes that I would tell him if I need anything and so it went on and on - he is very pissed off.........This is the first time I have felt the wrath of the Monster - I haven't responded to him yet and I plan to email him back with a one liner ......"I am so sorry you feel this way........" and that's all I am going to say - as someone wise once said "you can't argue with silence" - forgive me I cant remember the source.  I intend to continue to have my dignity and self respect.

Why cant he see his own situation clearly - we wouldn't be in this mess if it wasn't for his decisions and behaviour - I guess it's easier to avoid rather than face responsibility - although for the first time I get the feeling that reality is kicking in........maybe the OW is starting to put the pressure on him......... and I continue to Stand" ............thoughts or advice anyone??

Offline If_only

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Re: Walk away or hang in there?
« Reply #28 on: March 04, 2018, 02:00:04 PM »
Hi Steph:
Still following and supporting! I have similar experiences to you.  At the beginning - all the empty promises made to me fizzled as each month with OW continued- less contact, less empathy but more lies.  I let the buy out of my place but regret that and also leaving my house instead of him leaving. I am so sorry for the pain you are going through- I am right here with you!

Big Hugs:

IF

Offline Nerissa

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Re: Walk away or hang in there?
« Reply #29 on: March 04, 2018, 02:21:56 PM »
He is not a very happy bunny.  If it were me I might not answer.  He’ll probably calm
Down after his venting without you saying a word.

 

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