Author Topic: My Story Walk away or hang in there?  (Read 3725 times)

Offline Anjae

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My Story Re: Walk away or hang in there?
« Reply #40 on: March 13, 2018, 01:28:19 PM »
You blew and told how you feel and the truth. No problem with that. We are not machines. And, in the long run, it will make no difference.

The only two things that may be a problem are:

So against my better judgement, I asked him to file for divorce – believe me it’s not something I want,  but he obviously isn’t coming back so what is the point of continuing with this and I don’t feel like I can realistically move on until I have closure.

Asking him to file for divorce wasn't smart. If he didn't want to, there was no need of you to ask Even because you do not want it.

How do you know he is not coming back? 6 months?

You're new to MLC. MLCers do no come back in 6 months. Nor does their crisis ends in such time. More like 6 or more years.

I also once again asked him to sell our house or buy me out (another thing he still hasn’t sorted yet). 

He may never will. He is having a MLC. Don't count on him to do a thing.

Not remebering he said things he did? MLC normal. They forget lost of stuff, including what they said.

Not really loving OW? Also normal. Loving LBS? Weird, but probably true. Yet, not enough to make the MLCer remain with the LBS while in MLC.

Advice? Try to keep it cool for the next two weeks. You are going to leave in less than two weeks, so, try to keep your cool till there. And afterwards, try to not engage in drama via e-mail, text or phone.

Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together. (Marilyn Monroe)

Offline barbiedoll

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Re: Walk away or hang in there?
« Reply #41 on: March 13, 2018, 02:07:45 PM »
Hello there Ms. Steph ..I am Barbiedoll and I have been assigned as your mentor . I am going to sit down here and read your story from beginning until today. I see you have some great people walking thru this chaos with you and support all around you !  I am happy to meet you and I will be back ... keep posting !
Married April 1985
5 children
Bomb Drop April 2013
Thrown out of house August 2013
Affair discovered November 2013 (i guessed who)
Home December 3 2013
The Journey Of Reconciliation .. is for the brave .

Anger is like a candle in the wind ... it blows out the light of all reason.

Offline islandgirl68

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Re: Walk away or hang in there?
« Reply #42 on: March 13, 2018, 03:40:26 PM »
We are human. Don't look it as you did anything wrong. You bottled up every emotion when it came to your H. Eventually when you keep trying to stuff them down, there will come a point where it all spills over.

Just take a step back and breath. The upside is that with MLC our spouses memory is not all there. There have been many blow ups that I've had with my H and luckily when I asked about them he says he doesn't remember that happening ::) In the instances where I kept my cool and didn't react, H remembered me being the aggressor.

I even done the Divorce talk. I told my H if he was so unhappy, why is he not filing for divorce? ??? Why string me along? H's response has always been that he didn't know what he wanted or that he knew we would still be together in the end  :o
Me: 33
H: 36
S17; D10; D7; D3
Together 18 years, Married for 2
BD: 4/25/2017 (EA, FA)
BD: 4/10/2018 (EA same OW)
Not sure what is going on between H and I.

Offline barbiedoll

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Re: Walk away or hang in there?
« Reply #43 on: March 13, 2018, 08:10:46 PM »
Hi Steph ..well, you certainly do have a completely undone MLC's man spinning around the universe, looking for pain relief from his inner distress. For now, he is gathering all flavors of external balm to temporarily ease his pain..but that will not last forever. I am sorry ...I truly am because life now will never be the same and his crisis will spin you into a journey of your own . And it is absolutely the most painfull devastating path we are forced to walk . But we are ALL walking with you , some a little ahead and some behind . But you are far from being alone.

You have received some sound advise and support and this is the best place you can be in the worst of situations . We are open 24 hours a day and there is always someone available to chat with you . So welcome.

I too had this experience in 2013 . Husband of 35 years, mid 50's , decides out of the clear blue sky that he has been miserable for years, he is all "done" , no longer loves me , quits his job, leaves town and has an affair with the biggest affair down you can imagine. This is a dad of 5 daughters, a stable , hard working "rock solid " kind of family man . ...or so I thought . The shock was nothing that words can even begin to describe...but most on here know the feeling well. Heros Spouse saved me..there is no question in my mind . And now I do try to give a little back and lend some support to new members . My husband did return and we continue to struggle to rebuild the broken between us . No part of this is easy . So, here I am , your new friend for a mile or two down the path .

I did see a couple of very interesting statements that I would like to comment on... so here goes.

Quote
- actions and words don't match - he says he loves me but continues to have the affair and separation
- failure to follow through on promises
- seems unable to make a decision
- cries when he sees me and says "all he can see is pain"
- seems to have no concept of time passing
- unable to have an in depth conversation about practical issues  - is withdrawn and unresponsive
.

All of this ... very telling of MLC crazeeee. Most especially "unable to make decisions".  This is 100% very typical and somewhat explains the bizarre behavior . Utterly no ability to think things thru, forecast a likely outcome, stick to one train of thought or act on a decision if they ever come to one. Like a leaf in a windstorm... blown all over the place.

Quote
steph, my thinking is you don't ask questions about the marriage or his personal things/thoughts, but I don't think talking about the house is one of them.  That's marital property/business.

Sometimes financial questions need to be asked.  Just as questions about kids would be fine to ask about.
.

Yes. Thunder gives great direction here . Asking about finances, bills , houses , support etc . or legal issues are absolutely imperative to ask . Fabulous that you have a lawyer on board to look after your best interests. You can easily communicate thru email and then you have a written agreement in hand . NO talking about the marriage , the relationship , THE OW, his emotions, thoughts "plans" ... absolutely no "pursuing" fixing , begging or interest. And NEVER discuss or acknowledge this 24 year old temporary toy. ( I have a young daughter at home and heaven would spit fireballs if she hauled home a 55 year old married man !) . Perhaps this is part of the reason she moved . What parents want this ??   To you ...the wife...she does NOT exist . Period.

For your reading pleasure :

https://beingabeautifulmess.wordpress.com/the-180/

Quote
Steph, as OP and others have noted... Just step back from teh tornado and let it go... You can't fix it, you can't change it, you can't influence it except maybe to make it even longer.... and the only thing it will do for you is create more pain and anguish....
.

This :  The absolute truth.

Quote
Also in the email he stated that he knows I have plans but if he can do anything to help I must let him know
.

NO . You do not need in anyway at all to tell him your plans, your move, new job etc . He forfeited that right . That would fall under the category of "personal" ..not business or legal issues .

Quote
I made him wait a day before answering and then kept the email really short and only about the house - nothing about my plans or the dog. It's just that I wonder if I am doing the right thing when I long to share things with him but I am afraid of getting hurt
.

Brilliant !  You are doing the right thing at this stage of the game . I know it is hard , I know it is foreign to you ...but generally speaking the hardest things in life are usually the right things .

Quote
I feel stronger and that I am slowly detaching from the situation but I am starting to have doubts about how I feel about him......is that normal?
.

Indeed, if there is any "normal" in this most "abnormal" situation, that is it. You will flounder around and round and round about how you actually feel about him at all... YOU are certifiably NORMAL. Welcome to the rollercoaster ... the MLC Express.

Quote
I am now left wondering if I just shouldn't have mentioned it at all - it suddenly seems so petty except that she will be living in a house that we bought together, restored and shared for 10 years (not to mention that she will be sleeping in my bed!!!). I'm afraid I have hit the angry stage now and am furious with him (haven't let him know) - I m still calm and business like when I email him. I guess I am just so frustrated.........thoughts anyone????
.

There is nothing "petty" here at all. Just a little poke to your dear H .." hey there, can we get on with the practicalities so you can continue to live the dream ?". The house, boat etc ... all need to be settled. What I am wondering is why you are asking ? Can the lawyer not send him a letter and make this happen ? . Don't ever be afraid of anger ..it will move more mountains, obsticles and stuck emotions than anything I know of. Who would not feel anger ?  Let yourself feel every speck of it .

Quote
This is tricky if you are not absolutely sure why you did it.  If you are protesting/ poking the ants nest and hoping he will change his mind, you’ll be disappointed.  If you are sure you need this sorted financially then it’s different.  I spoke to a lovely lawyer who told me that this stuff is best sorted when anger has dissipated if possible and I think we all know this at heart.
.

This is very good advise and so well said. I like this a lot . Read that several times... invaluable really.

Quote
Why cant he see his own situation clearly - we wouldn't be in this mess if it wasn't for his decisions and behaviour - I guess it's easier to avoid rather than face responsibility - although for the first time I get the feeling that reality is kicking in........maybe the OW is starting to put the pressure on him......... and I continue to Stand" ............thoughts or advice anyone??
.

Yes . It is easier to avoid or compartmentalize . Most seem to be masters at this . But it is time limited ...we just do not know how long this insanity ( his) will go on. That is why detachment is the only way you can go . He cannot see anything ...as hard as that is to accept . He is saturated in limerance  and MLC fog .

http://www.blogtalkradio.com/marriageradio/2015/12/16/why-your-spouse-loves-another-understanding-limerence--the-joe-beam-show

Quote
he then said that he hopes I will be able to communicate with him on a more personal level which I apparently have been
.

Looking for his cake . I strongly encourage you to do exactly as you are doing... stick to the facts, be pleasant and to the point .

Quote
What are your thoughts on setting the boundaries by telling him that I will only meet with him if he is willing to discuss his feelings and our relationship
.

I suggest you refrain from "pursuing"...it really would undo all your hard work of sticking to the facts . And you will most assuredly be "hurt". No one on Heros Spouse ( that I am aware of ) has had success with this approach. I know...I know... it is a mad-assed compulsion to try " to get thru to him". Of course ... the final decision is yours . Let us know the end result if this is what you choose to do .

Quote
So against my better judgement, I asked him to file for divorce – believe me it’s not something I want,  but he obviously isn’t coming back so what is the point of continuing with this and I don’t feel like I can realistically move on until I have closure.   I also once again asked him to sell our house or buy me out (another thing he still hasn’t sorted yet). 
.

It is perfectly acceptable to do nothing . It is perfectly acceptable to change your mind. YOU are the boss of YOU. Silence is also a very good choice.

Quote
Despite this all being against the advice about how to manage a MLC I have received on this forum, I just couldn’t stop myself
.

Neither could I . About 20 times. You are human . This takes practise , determination and acceptance that emotions have a mind of their own ...at times. It is ok.

Quote
H's response has always been that he didn't know what he wanted or that he knew we would still be together in the end  :o
.

Geeeeeze... they all say the exact same thing! ..

Okay Steph...YOU are strong without question, you are moving forward but often we do not see our own progress.. Keep reading, post anything that enters your mind and read others threads ... You are doing just fine ...I promise.

Fixed the quoting problem - UM









« Last Edit: March 14, 2018, 02:28:20 AM by UrsaMajor »
Married April 1985
5 children
Bomb Drop April 2013
Thrown out of house August 2013
Affair discovered November 2013 (i guessed who)
Home December 3 2013
The Journey Of Reconciliation .. is for the brave .

Anger is like a candle in the wind ... it blows out the light of all reason.

Offline Whyus

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Re: Walk away or hang in there?
« Reply #44 on: March 14, 2018, 03:10:27 AM »
Hi Steph, that is a fantastic Post barbie has made. Read it least 5 times, print it out if you have to... This is all so hard but you will get through and it will get better.
Blowing up infront of your MLCer!!! Dont worry about that for a second. We have all been there, he will Forget in a week or 2 anyway....
Look after YOUrself Steph
Married - 19,5 Years pre BD
Together - 21,5 Years
Me: 44
W: 44
BD 1: 10.01.2017
BD 2: 24.02.2017 OM 28. Trainings partner. Still together
2 Sons - 18 & 19
2 Dogs and a cat.
Own home . Sold!
Divorce Filed
T1  http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8671.0
T10. http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9547.0

Offline sampsed

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Re: Walk away or hang in there?
« Reply #45 on: March 14, 2018, 10:33:18 AM »
Hi Steph,

You are a strong woman in a tough position.  Bring all your thoughts and feelings to the forum.  People will willingly help you.

You got this!   

following along on your story!
I choose to feel blessed.”
I choose to feel grateful.
I choose to be excited.
I choose to be thankful.
I choose to be HAPPY.”

https://affaircare.com/the-180/

No matter what....find a positive...no matter how small it is there is always a positive.

BD 10 29 2017  Moved out same day to be with OW (EA become PA approx. 2 mos prior)
BY 1966
H BY 1966
Married 32.5 years
Together 35 years
D - 1989 Married with 2 children, living locally
S -  1991 Professional School living across Country  - Still relies on us for support
3 Dogs - 1 was his baby that he left behind
Standing
No legal action yet
3/5/18 OW moved to another State  H moved in with F  
3/19/18  H moved home and is living in spare room  Reason:  Wasn't happy living with F and had an urge to want to be Home.  OW moved out of State.

Offline stephTopic starter

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Re: Walk away or hang in there?
« Reply #46 on: March 14, 2018, 12:04:58 PM »
Thank you to everyone for your ongoing support and feedback (especially to Barbiedoll for your valuable insight into the world of MLC) – I am so encouraged by everyone’s positivity (not hopeful and I expect nothing) and a part of me remains realistic about the possible outcome. I don't know what I would do without this forum and I am truly grateful so THANK YOU.

And the drama continues and I continue to be angry and unsettled……

After me speaking my mind the other night I received an email from him (the same night) saying that his thoughts are all over the place and that he can’t make sense of or accept where we are.  He says that we lost each other somehow and for some length of time over the end of 2016 and into 2017 ([why didn’t he tell me???) and then he goes on to say that he reached beyond our marriage, in belief that I had stopped wanting to see us (and again I am blamed for his choices!!!).
 
He says he can’t take it back and he knows it can’t be forgotten and that he doesn’t see a way to make me happy in the future (he doesn’t really want to try either…!!!). He says he cares deeply for me and is horrified by the pain he has caused and that he is unable to tell me that it is over between us but if it will me move on then he will contact a lawyer this week (blame again???)
He finishes it off by saying that despite what his actions suggest, he will never move me out of his heart (yeah right……that’s why is if living with someone else!!!).

What I don’t get is why he just doesn’t walk away and live the life he has obviously chosen – I have given him every opportunity to walk away from our marriage and call it a day (something else he could blame me for if he chose to) but he won’t. Thinking about things logically I intend to ignore all further contact with him until I move out of the area and got myself settled elsewhere but my heart is breaking........

Offline sampsed

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Re: Walk away or hang in there?
« Reply #47 on: March 14, 2018, 12:22:58 PM »
My H told me it was over in the very beginning and he would never ever come back.  Wanted a D.

Now D is off the table for now.  He keeps checking in with me every few days, talking almost everyday, texting occasionally.  For the last 3 days he has made visits to the office and is considering going to supper with Myself and D  and GS tonight.  He keeps popping in and out of our lives.

They keep coming back because they are so confused they do not know what they want and how to deal with anything.   Listen to him, don't ask questions, validate.   He doesn't want to be with you right now....but he doesn't want to let go of you either.  It stinks and it plays with your emotions.

DETACH.....believe me it helps!  Detach and let him go to do his thing.  It will take time but with practice you will get there.  You do NOT want to be on his rollercoaster ride.  You will have your own to deal with.

Please hold your head high and put on a crown and smile.  Practice everyday and concentrate on you and your family!
I choose to feel blessed.”
I choose to feel grateful.
I choose to be excited.
I choose to be thankful.
I choose to be HAPPY.”

https://affaircare.com/the-180/

No matter what....find a positive...no matter how small it is there is always a positive.

BD 10 29 2017  Moved out same day to be with OW (EA become PA approx. 2 mos prior)
BY 1966
H BY 1966
Married 32.5 years
Together 35 years
D - 1989 Married with 2 children, living locally
S -  1991 Professional School living across Country  - Still relies on us for support
3 Dogs - 1 was his baby that he left behind
Standing
No legal action yet
3/5/18 OW moved to another State  H moved in with F  
3/19/18  H moved home and is living in spare room  Reason:  Wasn't happy living with F and had an urge to want to be Home.  OW moved out of State.

Offline Anjae

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Re: Walk away or hang in there?
« Reply #48 on: March 14, 2018, 01:02:03 PM »
And the drama continues and I continue to be angry and unsettled……

The drama may not stop anytime soon. You still being angry and unsettled is normal at this point. Don't worry, but try not to let the anger overwhelm you. Easier said than done, I know.

After me speaking my mind the other night I received an email from him (the same night) saying that his thoughts are all over the place and that he can’t make sense of or accept where we are. 

Of course he cannot make sense of things and his thoughts are all over the place. He is depressed, confussed and getting deeper into MLC tunnel.
 
What I don’t get is why he just doesn’t walk away and live the life he has obviously chosen – I have given him every opportunity to walk away from our marriage and call it a day (something else he could blame me for if he chose to) but he won’t. T

Because, at least for now, he is a clingy-boomerang. That type of MLCer will always remain around the LBS, clinging like there was no tomorrow.

Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together. (Marilyn Monroe)

Offline Whyus

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Re: Walk away or hang in there?
« Reply #49 on: March 15, 2018, 12:18:32 AM »
Im so sorry that he is still blaming you for everything Steph. Its just projection, just ignore it. It has nothing to do with you, it is all on him and HE KNOWS THAT.........
Married - 19,5 Years pre BD
Together - 21,5 Years
Me: 44
W: 44
BD 1: 10.01.2017
BD 2: 24.02.2017 OM 28. Trainings partner. Still together
2 Sons - 18 & 19
2 Dogs and a cat.
Own home . Sold!
Divorce Filed
T1  http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8671.0
T10. http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9547.0

 

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