Author Topic: My Story Reconnecting Working through the process #4 - Finding balance  (Read 1365 times)

Offline SeekingpatienceTopic starter

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My Story Reconnecting Working through the process #4 - Finding balance
« on: February 22, 2018, 06:01:44 AM »
HiLight, Thanks OldPilot, UM and fellow ramblers,  :)

Thanks for following along and apologies for not updating my thread till now.
Old thread here:

http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=7539.msg646317#msg646317

Would someone please lock my old thread and link to this one? I am sorry but I have forgotten how.

Year 2018- the year of the Dog.

Looking back on the year 2017, DS19 completed IB, entered the army for national service. H and I went on a month long trip to Croatia and the UK, had a great time, had a horrible time laid some demons to rest, raised a few spirits bought an apartment, went to church, went to the temple, dealt with teenage angst and medical issues of ageing parents. For myself, I had found another artist-teacher I seem to get on with quite well and a class of fellow students whom I enjoy learning with and sometimes the real lessons are about life.

Recently , there has been the whirlwind of family centred activities from the start of 2018 till my birthday yesterday. As the time for visiting MIL draws nearer the triggers are hitting again and it has made me realise that even when I work to stay in the moment and enjoy the present, the body keeps score. The teeth grinding, the headaches, the anxiety are back with a vengeance. I have gone into research mode once more and have to keep believing in the process.

The process of of working through the trauma repeatedly takes the sting out of them but so does sitting quietly and accepting that each little part needs to be addressed, not “resolved” or dragged out and bashed over the head but recognised as a wound. I needed H to acknowledge the wounding and pain and the sadness and the utter waste. H has been trying hard but it seems there is only so much he can do for the wound is not his, it is within me. His wounds are within him.
« Last Edit: March 07, 2018, 08:54:06 PM by Rollercoasterider »

Online Rosetintedglasses

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Re: Working through the process #4 - Finding balance
« Reply #1 on: February 22, 2018, 07:10:19 AM »
Seekingpatience

How lovely to be lilac, I look forward to catching up with your previous thread and this new one!

Rose
Married 15+ years with 2 children
BD1 - 2016
BD2 - 2017
PA with MOW Mar 2016-Jan 2017 then EA
H left home Oct 2017 to stay with his parents
Bought a family Puppy mid 2018 - referred to as ‘P’

Link to advice by my mentor, Phoenix, on what to tell the children about H leaving - reply #33 (it had a glitch)
https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9313.30

Offline SeekingpatienceTopic starter

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Re: Working through the process #4 - Finding balance
« Reply #2 on: February 22, 2018, 09:01:36 AM »
Welcome rosetintedglasses  :)

For some reason, my post was cut off half way. ::) this is the rest of the ramble.

This podcast of the addicted mind describes the trauma the LBS goes through at bombdrop and breaks it up to individual segments. I found it helpful to list and acknowledge as I piece my Self together through this time.
 http://theaddictedmind.com/episode-21-relational-betrayal-trauma-marnie-breecker/

I told H that I am sorry that I am going through this and putting him through it just when he has started to find his feet again. His reply that I had nothing to be sorry about, he was sorry that I had been so hurt and that he understands I am not “there” yet. Part of it really is my fear that he will forget while I rave like a madwoman about things that to him are in the distant past. In fact there are things he has forgotten that make my jaw drop but it seems that is par for the course.

Organically speaking, he is getting further and further from ”that bloke” that did those things. He thanks God that the Parasite is now out of his life and he is grateful and believes God has protected and blessed us from this Spiritual attack. He “knows” he has grown up and away from that immature “bloke” and can’t stand to be put back into the “mindset” that allowed him to self destruct. He is not perfect but he is so much more centred that H is now taking my storms, he is carrying me a little now. And he seems glad that I am feeling safe enough to allow him to carry me a little. :) The best thing H says now is that he is glad I vent to him, that I shouldn’t hold it in, that it is good I let it out and that he doesn’t take it personally, he just wants me to get better/heal. When the anger subsides, I feel sadness but I see clearer, I can see my H, I see him and the overlay of the MLCer “mask” (which I put there for Self-protection) fades a little more.

Life doesn’t stop for Replay or reconnecting or any other stage, I had to learn many things on the fly, I had to adjust many relationships to cope with each stage. When I say cope, I mean actually stepping back, breathing or shutting myself up in my room for an hour or focusing (to the exclusion of all else) to complete what needed to be done. I have learnt to compartmentalise!

My short term memory is shot most days but that could be age ;D or a residue of trauma :o or both. I have learned to listen a little more, to share the burdens of the day a little more. Babysteps.

I am taking a page out of H’s book now. I used to resent the fact that he is so gosh-darned Happy now. Resent as well as happy for him really - speaks to my confused state of mind  ;) ;D I realise his he happy because for the first time he can feel angry and sad and giggly without having to second guess himself or catch himself. He is free to feel. As for me, I find myself using language I have tried not to use in front of small children or old ladies. :o ;D 8) I don’t find it freeing, I find it disconcerting.

Which leads me to think this part of my journey is to pick up the pieces of my Self and rebalance. I have to work through my wounds and hurts but also to work through what now gives me meaning. I may not be in the Autumn of my life but it is certainly past high summer and I want to balance my life and my self so I can continue my journey to inner peace.

Peace strength and hugs.

After journaling this, I got a phone call from H and we spoke about my thoughts as I laid it out here. I also added that I wanted us to make a list of things we could do together. That I was tired of rehashing who did what and that essentially life was too short to keep score or have the “lost time” in the forefront of my mind or even the back burner of my mind. I also acknowledged that he had been putting in a lot of hard work looking at himself  and I appreciated it. H burst into tears :'( and kept saying “I don’t want to lose you. I want you to be happy. I was so afraid I was going to lose you.”

I guess H had been Standing for the last year or so too. I say last year or so because as he gradually became more centred and clear, I was having triggers and periodic meltdowns. Though there were great times there were also periods of very rough adjustments.

I think I have started to turn a corner. The message I got today was “ if you can’t change your situation, change your perspective “ . Speaking with H about it was enlightening, ii really was pushing at acceptance and compassion. Till I got there I was in “unsettled” an uneasy place to be, I found that once I made a choice of how to go on, a weight lifted, an aura/energy change I think. :)

Small steps on the journey.

 :)

Offline Reinventing

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Re: Working through the process #4 - Finding balance
« Reply #3 on: February 22, 2018, 11:54:08 AM »
The podcast you posted was so helpful to hear and right on the money. Thank you.

I put the link here again in case this starts a new page on your thread:

 http://theaddictedmind.com/episode-21-relational-betrayal-trauma-marnie-breecker/

Offline 31andcounting

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Re: Working through the process #4 - Finding balance
« Reply #4 on: February 23, 2018, 05:14:36 AM »
Welcome to your new thread seeking!

I remember vividly my H saying to me... " I am not your girlfriend, I am not your therapist....I will answer any question you have BUT I CANNOT  be your therapist"  I just can't!

That opened my eyes wide!!  I got it and I did the same thing you did, I made the decision to simply live and enjoy, the past hurts had to be dropped!

(hugs)
31
« Last Edit: February 23, 2018, 05:25:05 AM by 31andcounting »
Hurting people hurt people :(

Offline The lighthouse

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Re: Working through the process #4 - Finding balance
« Reply #5 on: March 02, 2018, 05:57:12 PM »
Hi Seeking  :)

First of all a belated happy birthday to you.  D16 has also just had a birthday - on the 20th, so you are the same star sign.  :)

Thanks for sharing the podcast.  I found it very validating to learn that all the things I have felt and experienced since BD are indeed the norm for anyone who has experienced such a trauma.

Thank you too, for continuing to share your journey with us.  As always, it is so enlightening.

Hugs my friend  :) xx
M 1992
BD June 2011
Still with OW - No legal action

I am the lighthouse. I don't go out into the storm after the ship.  The ship finds me.

Offline SeekingpatienceTopic starter

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Re: Working through the process #4 - Finding balance
« Reply #6 on: June 19, 2018, 10:48:50 PM »
HiLight, 31andcounting, Reinventing and fellow ramblers  :)

Big hugs to all ;) just a little update. First part mostly about BIL second part about life as it chugs along.

Part one

Since BIL and his GF were in NZ on MIL’s birthday she decided to be accommodating and have it about a month later so that both her sons could be there. We spent a few days at exSIL home before driving up to MIL’s. One of the nephews (N2) came over and it was great to have spent time with him and his very steady gf. During dinner there was a little discussion on the party as we were all excited to see everybody together for The Birthday. Then BIL calls his ex-wife and informs her that his GF wasn’t going to be there.
N2 quipped “ Do we know the official reason?”
And just to let you good people know I am not an angel when it comes to PYT ( psycho yoga teacher)
“Do we really care?” was my contribution.😇
N2’s gf commented “ Maybe now you can spend some time with your Dad?” And an awkward silence falls over the dinner conversation before moving onto festivities as well as meeting up again during our stay. N2 is taking a load of serious exams but said he would try to meet up, gf said she would be at the lunch and maybe N2 would spend dinner with us at N1’s house later after cramming.

At the party, the boys and their 2 half sisters try to spend as much time with their Dad as possible and H arranges to see his brother later in the week in London as “work was busy” ::) and he could only spend lunch with him.  >:( this, to me is unacceptable as H has just flown half the globe to “be with family”.  :'( Anyways, I keep my lips zipped and my lovely ex-SIL proposes we go for a girls day out in London as well. ;D

As the photos are taken, BIL comments that he “made 4 out of the 5 children” but he didn’t see the irony that he hasn’t raised them. BIL also complains that N1’s little girl is more comfortable with ex SIL’s new husband ( >4 years married now) than with him. To which N1’s replies “ she sees him every week, you have seen her less than a handful of times in her entire 2 years” :'(. N1’s then privately says how tired he is of always being the one to make the effort to get BIL to meet up and that BIL always has to bring PYT gf along who monopolises his time even at meet ups. “ They live together for g’s sake”  >:( PYT also makes it awkward for the girls, she has been known to go off in huffs when she isn’t the centre of attention and the girls hadn’t seen their Dad for over 4 months at that point. The younger girl is only just 17!

After the party, H and I stayed with MIL for a week which went pleasantly enough until she started on the reason why PYT wasn’t at her party. If there are any new ramblers, I strongly suspect that MIL is high on the narcissistic scale. And plays the victim and “dumsel in distress” to a professional standard, much like the OL (Ooopa Loompa) and BIL’s ex wife2 and of course PYT!

SHE BLAMED HER GRANDCHILDREN! Not PYT, not BIL, her own GRANDCHILDREN!!!! :o :o :o

She said it was their fault because they didn’t make her feel welcome around Xmas when N1 arranged for them to meet up with her. PYT monopolised BIL all the time they were there and bossed the nieces around, ordered them (teenagers!) to be up at breakfast by 8am so they could be on the road. (FYI They could easily have made the journey even if they had left at 6pm).

So at breakfast, everyone gathered around and had a good time until she sauntered down at 10.30am, everyone carried on, I suspect expecting her to just say hi and join in but she glowered at the kids and BIL who jumped up to placate her. ::) ::) ::) N1 and his wife had essentially related the same story but expressed disappointment as BIL rarely met up with his kids and only grandchild.

When I said PYT was acting up, MIL got on her high horse and said that “the children had “ let her down” “ our family doesn’t act that way” , I just couldn’t zip up. H was there quietly conflict avoiding, which in hindsight was pretty smart of him. ??? I said that PYT was an adult, she could easily have apologised for being late, said good morning and joined in. That the kids didn’t get to see their father very often at all and she was unfair to begrudge them this time together. MIL then said “ so long as her son was happy with his choice of partner, she was happy for him and didn’t want to interfere.”

I said very slowly that they were the children and BIL was their father, if his choice of partner affected his relationship with them it was a choice he was making, the girls would not be young girls forever and the boys would be starting their own families soon. That they had been trying to make time for him to be part of their lives was a credit to them but they were tired of having to fight for their attention and BIL had his choice to either step up or not but he must be willing to live with the consequences like being a stranger to his grandchild and future grandchildren while ExSIl’s husband was being called “Grandpop” and having a wonderful relationship with the rest of the family.

MIL then dropped the subject for the rest of the stay. Thank goodness. :D

On the day of the lunch in London, H was so excited. I said to go enjoy himself and not to worry if they wanted to take longer and go to a pub etc as ex SIL and I were having a girls’ day out. BIL met up and spent a total of 2 hours with his brother. :o because he had to go home for dinner!!! :-[ ::)
 H met up with us and we had dinner before going back. :'( even SIL remarked exasperatedly. “ That man! He wasn’t so bad before.”

And there it is. BIL still hadn’t faced his demons or would not and was still escaping with PYT or his band or whatever...the Peter Pan is strong in that one. SIL remarked that his relationship with PYT may be heading for the rocks but since his progress to Self-identity is at the speed of a frozen iceberg, holding our breaths may be a futile excercise.

SIL is a LBS that I greatly admire, she waited/ stood for him until the end of OW/ex 2nd wife but he didn’t or couldn’t make his way back. She remarked that after OW he did come around and ask her in his very obtuse vague way of she would consider marriage again but she being wary answered that she preferred cats. When he then took up with PYT, she left her stand and found her new husband who is the most wonderful chap. He is simple decent and a rock. He had been through a previous marriage where his wife I think was MLC or just garden variety infidelity though I think the former as his younger daughter is now pursuing her masters in Psychology with an emphasis on relationships.

The blended families are amazing as his daughters spend holidays with us all and really the only ones left out are BIL and MIL. It’s sad but also I think for H, a “ghost of Christmas future” glimpse if he didn’t make the effort to make a family happen with all the requisite vulnerability and compassion and strength and acceptance and effort.

I am proud of him because he is making steps and though there are still ingrained beliefs that would work against his efforts, as ex SIL says “ it took a lot of strength to face us all again”.


Part Deux to follow as this has become an opus. ;D

Peace and strength and hugs. :)



Offline 31andcounting

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Re: Working through the process #4 - Finding balance
« Reply #7 on: June 20, 2018, 05:39:41 AM »
Thanks for the update seeking  :)

I am very proud of you for speaking the truth ;)
Glad H continues to walk along side you and work things through in spite of his mom, she just doesn't change does she??

(hugs)
31
Hurting people hurt people :(

Offline Anjae

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Re: Working through the process #4 - Finding balance
« Reply #8 on: June 20, 2018, 04:46:18 PM »
Thanks for the update Seeking.  :)
Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together. (Marilyn Monroe)

Offline The lighthouse

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Re: Working through the process #4 - Finding balance
« Reply #9 on: June 21, 2018, 10:54:10 PM »
Hi Seeking  :)

So good to get an update from you.  Good for you for telling it like it is!  Going through this process has given you that strength. 

I too am glad that H continues to grow and find his way.

I look forward to Part Deux.

Hugs  :)
M 1992
BD June 2011
Still with OW - No legal action

I am the lighthouse. I don't go out into the storm after the ship.  The ship finds me.

 

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