Author Topic: My Story Trying to figure things out...  (Read 3644 times)

Online DaybyDay1Topic starter

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My Story Trying to figure things out...
« on: March 01, 2018, 09:20:57 PM »
Hi Everyone,
I'm new here, but my Bomb Drop day was September 14, 2017.  Is it a bomb drop if I discovered the affair through phone records?  Anyway, it's been over five months now and I'm just as confused as ever.  It's taken me a little while to figure out that I think my WH is having a midlife crisis.  
We got married in 1997.  I was 22 and he was 24.  The following year, we moved 2000 miles away from our family to start a new life in another state because he would make more money as a cop than he did back home and we also had our first son in 1999.  It was a heck of a start to a marriage as we were really, really not ready to have a baby!  In the beginning of 2000, he met someone at work and I suspected they had an affair but I never had proof.  He especially was not ready to be a dad and was not spending any time at home with me and the baby during the time I suspected an affair.  I had enough so I packed the baby up, moved back home, bought a condo, and got a job.  He followed shortly thereafter and after me being extremely distant for about a year, we got back together and had another baby in 2002.  We ended up moving back in 2003 so he could get his old job after landing himself in a "quit or be fired" situation at a police department back home. 
Things were good for a long time.  Really good.  Then, in 2011 he was suspended from the police department for lying.  After a long, drawn out battle, he was fired in in the beginning of 2016.  Even though he is now self-employed, he has never recovered from losing his job.  He also began having an emotional affair in May of 2016 with the same girl I suspected he was having an affair with when we were first married. By the way, she is now a Lieutenant on the police department, has been married and divorced twice, and has two young kids.  He says they only ever kissed, but I don't believe it and it doesn't even matter at this point.  The emotional aspect is way worse to me anyway. 
He had rented a condo in July before I even knew he was having an affair.  He did tell me in March that he thought he might want a divorce and things were strained between us, but I never saw any of this coming.  He moved into his condo right after I found out about the affair and then moved back home on October 25th.  He stayed through the holidays and moved back to his condo on January 30th.  Things got progressively worse with us living together.  I don't trust him at all and he didn't want to live "under a microscope" for the rest of his life.  I also found out that he is still in contact with the woman he had (is having?) an affair with because she bought two houses in Detroit and he is rehabbing them for her.  (He spends a lot of time in Detroit doing this kind of work for lots of people.  We live nowhere near Detroit so he travels a lot.)  He swears that everything ended with them in September, but how can I believe him?  I can't.  They are still in contact.  He promises it's just because he's going to fix up the houses so they need to communicate minimally.  He said that he won't do anymore houses for her, but he feels bad because they made these plans when he thought he was going to leave me.  He also insists that he was never leaving me "for her" but he just thought things couldn't work in our marriage because I was so mad and angry at him all the time.  It is true I was going through some depression problems and told him things like "our marriage is a joke" and I'm moving back home with or without you.  He didn't completely rewrite our history, but the timeline of me being "mean" to him seems to correspond to the exact same time he started his affair.    
Anyway, I just don't know what to do next.  I am trying to distance myself from him, but that's been hard.  We text all day long and when he is in town I see him a few times a week.  Either he comes over to the house to hang out on dates and we usually have a pretty good time!  I feel like we both take turns initiating seeing each other or texting.  I may pursue him a little more than he does me, but I am really trying hard not to do that.  He truly doesn't ever seem to see this other woman.  The kids were with him two of the three weeks we've been separated (he's been in Detroit the rest of the time) so I know he wasn't with her then.  The week I had the kids we talked and texted so much that I don't see when he would've been with her.  (I may have driven by his condo once or twice to check and see if he was home too  :-\ and he was.) I know an affair is only part of a midlife crisis now after finding this site, but I am still hung up on that part of it.  
I am staying busy.  I work full time as a teacher, I joined a gym, I have lost a lot of weight which is a good thing, I started going back to church, I joined a small group from my church, and I make plans to see friends at least once a week.  I've taken control of my finances (he used to take care of that) and I have a good system going here at home with taking care of keeping things running.  I am still hyper focused on trying to save my marriage though and what to do next.  If anyone has any advice to share, I would really appreciate hearing from people who have been through this kind of thing!!!!!  Thanks!!!!!
Married 1997
BD: 9/14/17
Currently separated
Working on reconciliation one minute and divorce the next
Two Sons - 19 and 16

Offline OldPilot

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Re: Trying to figure things out...
« Reply #1 on: March 01, 2018, 09:23:22 PM »
Welcome to the Board

You are in a good place.
Your H/W  is on his/her own journey.
You can not do anything to control this trip.
Come here and read or vent, we will listen.
Give your H/W space  he/she needs to heal himself/herself.

I would not ask him/her anything unless you can have no expectations.
Sometimes asking them questions will be thought of as pressure.
You do not want to do anything that can be thought of by your H/W as controlling or pressure.

Your need to start working on you.
There is nothing that you can do to help your H/W.

He/She has given you a gift.
It is time!!

Use the time wisely to make yourself a better person.
Look in the mirror to see what it is that you can improve.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
GAL.

Read some books on depression. Both for yourself! And for H/W.
Believe none of what he/she says and 50% of what he/she does.

Read the resources from this site.
The links that are in my signature.

Detach. - The single most important thing you can do

The detach link and HB's 6 stages of MLC(rewritten from Jim Conway) located in the resources above.
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=4.msg380#msg380

Developing Detachment
http://jamesjmessina.com/toolsforcontrolissues/developdetachment.html

http://www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com/self-focus_releasers_detach.html

http://www.livestrong.com/article/14712-developing-detachment/

Keep posting and asking questions and we will try to answer them.

Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon

Online DaybyDay1Topic starter

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Re: Trying to figure things out...
« Reply #2 on: March 03, 2018, 01:30:29 PM »
I'm having a rough day today so I figured I'd post again.  Weekends are always hardest.  It takes all my energy to get through the week with working full-time, going to the gym, getting dinner on the table for my teenage boys, and all the rest of it that goes along with keeping up a house.  I went out with friends last night and I just have no energy or ambition to do much today.

My husband and I were texting late last night and all day today so far.  The conversation took a turn with me telling him that maybe he needs to pursue an all-out relationship with the woman he had an affair with.  He said that is not something he is considering at all at the moment.  At the moment.  Those words hurt.  I told him that he is living in limbo wondering if he wants to be with me or not, and even though he claims it has nothing whatsoever to do with her, I think it does.  I told him he can't compare an affair fantasy to a 20 year marriage.  All I got in return was "Affair fantasy?  Where do you even come up with this stuff.  It wasn't like that at all." 

I know I am obsessing and it's not a good thing.  We have been separated since January 30th, but I found out about his affair on September 14th.  He doesn't seem to see her ever and he swears he hasn't seen her since well before me finding out about their affair.  I know they talk and text sporadically and that's because he's doing work on houses she bought.  I just don't understand their relationship.  Did she cut him off since he promised her he was getting divorced, hasn't filed yet, and has been back and forth with me since September?  Did he cut things off with her?  Does it even matter why it happened?  All I know is in September he was telling her he loves her and now they don't see each other.  It makes no sense.  Everyone says they must just be better at hiding their affair, but I truly don't think that's the case.  He was seriously home every night and now that he has his condo the kids are there every other week.  He never goes out when they are there and he seems to be home even when the kids are with me.  He will either call, text, come over, or we will go out on dates.  I'm not sure an answer to this question will even help me, but I can't get it out of my mind.
Married 1997
BD: 9/14/17
Currently separated
Working on reconciliation one minute and divorce the next
Two Sons - 19 and 16

Offline Kintsugi

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Re: Trying to figure things out...
« Reply #3 on: March 03, 2018, 02:37:52 PM »
So sorry you are going through this.  I am glad that you are exercising self care (or what we call here GAL).  It is important that you take care of yourself.  There is a saying about not being able to pour from an empty cup.  You need to take care of you for you and also for your sons. 
When the Japanese mend broken objects, they aggrandize the damage by filling the cracks with gold.  They believe that when something’s suffered damage and has a history it becomes more beautiful ~ Barbara Bloom

Online DaybyDay1Topic starter

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Re: Trying to figure things out...
« Reply #4 on: March 03, 2018, 05:18:35 PM »
Thanks, Kintsugi... I'm trying to take care of myself.  Haven't done a thing today besides laundry and now I'm about to make dinner for my kids.  I guess some days are just like that.
Married 1997
BD: 9/14/17
Currently separated
Working on reconciliation one minute and divorce the next
Two Sons - 19 and 16

Offline Anjae

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Re: Trying to figure things out...
« Reply #5 on: March 03, 2018, 07:40:41 PM »
Hello and welcome, DaybyDay

Is it a bomb drop if I discovered the affair through phone records?

Yes, it is still Bomb Drop.

Try to take it easy on yourself. Is there anyway your teenage boys can help with some house tasks?

Don't tell your husband what he needs to do regarding his relationship with the OW. Stay away from anything that has to do with him and her. Don't tell him about affair fantasy, or any similar thing. And do not tell him he is having a midlife crisis.

Read and re-read the articles and blog post on the may site. Read the resources section: http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?board=34.0

The affair may still go on, it may have ended, or who knows what is going on. Not, it does not matter why it may have ended if it did.  Also, MLCers often lie. Or they end an affair, and, later, there is another one. Impossible to know what will happen.

Focus on yourself and the kids. That is all you can do.
Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together. (Marilyn Monroe)

Online DaybyDay1Topic starter

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Re: Trying to figure things out...
« Reply #6 on: March 03, 2018, 07:56:50 PM »
Thanks, Anjae... I appreciate your response.  When this first happened, I asked him if he was having some kind of midlife crisis and he blew his top.  I didn't think of it again until more recently and as I read up on it I started to realize that it sounds exactly like a midlife crisis.  I won't mention it to him again.

I did ask about his OW today though.  I told him I feel like he is stuck in limbo and that maybe it would help if he went full tilt into an a relationship with her.  I told him I thought he was hesitant in our marriage because he was comparing 20 years to a brand new relationship and the only way he may know what he wants is if he finds out what it's like to be in a real relationship and not an affair.  He was completely surprised by that.  He didn't answer me either way though.  I didn't figure he really would, but he's been very "talkative" over text today.  Not talking about that, but just about everything else in general.  I really don't know why I decided to say that to him, but it is kind of what I think.  I don't want that to happen, but I've read a lot about men going off to their OW and then realizing that's not what they want.  Maybe that's where my head was.  Not sure. I think I will stay away from that subject until he brings it up now though.

My boys have been pretty helpful.  The youngest one, 15, is actually really stepping up.  He sees that the garbage needs to go out and he does it, etc.  My oldest, 18, is still in his own ego-centric world.  He will help if I specifically ask him to though.  I think they're still just trying to figure out the new normal too. 



Married 1997
BD: 9/14/17
Currently separated
Working on reconciliation one minute and divorce the next
Two Sons - 19 and 16

Offline Anjae

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Re: Trying to figure things out...
« Reply #7 on: March 03, 2018, 08:48:35 PM »

You're welcome.

I know, I read it on your previous post. The thing is, it will not be a relationship, it would still be an affair, just in the open. She would still be OW.

It is true many men go the OW and realise it is not what they wanted. But if you read around the threads, you will also see that does not mean they will leave OW and come back home willing to work on the marriage. Or they may leave one OW and find another.

In fact, many of us have spouses who left many years ago and who are still with OW/OM (be it the first, 2dn, 3tr and so on). Take Mr J. He left nearly 12 years ago (mid October 2006) when he was involved with OW1. Like your husband, he and OW1 lived apart, and pretty much only saw each other on weekend ends. That affair lasted less than 18 months in the open. Did he come back/wanted to work on the marriage? No, we got OW2, who has been around for 10 years come August, and they have been living together for 9 years come December.

Mr J doesn not stand OW2 (he once told me, I didn't ask. In fact, I never asked a thing about her). Yet, there he still is, getting ready to buy a dead expensive flat in our capital with her. On the surface it does not make sense, but he has caused so many damages, including financial and legal ones, the latter arranged by OW2, that he is stuck with her. At least until he finds some way of breaking with her. But who knows if that will be the end, of if there will OW3.

My boys have been pretty helpful.  The youngest one, 15, is actually really stepping up.  He sees that the garbage needs to go out and he does it, etc.  My oldest, 18, is still in his own ego-centric world.  He will help if I specifically ask him to though.  I think they're still just trying to figure out the new normal too.

It will also not be easy on the boys. Glad to know they hare helpful around the house.
Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together. (Marilyn Monroe)

Offline Treasur

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Re: Trying to figure things out...
« Reply #8 on: March 04, 2018, 12:22:18 AM »
I'm so sorry that you're here, Day, but hope that it will help you cope and adjust and move through it.

A lot of us here are 'fixers'...and someone else's crisis is a situation beyond our pay grade. In a funny way, I see your comments to your H as being a kind of 'reverse fixing' because you're assuming you know best, and that he will be influenced by what you think and say.

It's a tough road to start retraining our old habits and assumptions, but the starting place is to assume that there is NOTHING you can say or do that will affect his choices or his path through this. So, you have to find your own way to stop trying to do that....to let it be, to let him be...but use those fine fixing skills to figure out how to protect you and your family from the predictable unpredictability of his crisis.
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Online DaybyDay1Topic starter

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Re: Trying to figure things out...
« Reply #9 on: March 04, 2018, 01:20:28 PM »
Wow! Treasur, thanks for commenting.  You are absolutely right.  I never considered that what I said to him was controlling.  I can totally see where you're coming from.  It is really hard to accept that there is nothing I can say or do to fix what's going on, but I know you are right.  I've known it since the beginning of all of this and yet my mind still keeps spinning thinking there's got to be something that I can do.  Patience is not a virtue I have, but I guess I better get working on that. 

I keep focusing on the OW too, and I know I shouldn't be doing that either.  If it wasn't her, it would have been someone else.  I just keep thinking that I could feel "secure" that things will work out between me and H if I knew for sure she was out of the picture.  My brain knows that's not necessarily true too, but my heart is not agreeing.  He moved out right after BD and was gone for five weeks.  He was back for a couple of months and then left again January 30.  The whole time he was back home it was so strained and a lot of it was my fault.  I kept questioning him, where he was, what he was doing, who he was talking to... playing detective every chance I got.  I didn't think he was doing enough to make me feel like he wanted our marriage to work and looking back I can see that it was probably way too soon for him to have come back anyway.  Neither one of us were ready.  I can't help but feel like I want to ask him to come home again soon.  I know I should wait for it to be his idea though so that will be my biggest obstacle. 
Married 1997
BD: 9/14/17
Currently separated
Working on reconciliation one minute and divorce the next
Two Sons - 19 and 16

 

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