Author Topic: My Story Trying to figure things out...  (Read 3799 times)

Offline Mrs.Smiling

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My Story Re: Trying to figure things out...
« Reply #10 on: March 04, 2018, 01:44:23 PM »
Yes, definitely read what others have to say..
I was and still am in the same place..Some days are better than others
H left - came home - left again - came home - and left February 8th. OW has been in the picture for quite some time.
She's just as broken as he.
However, focus on you and the kids..no more questions, concerns, OW thoughts, thinking you can fix it. Those are the hardest of them all to get passed.
But one day at a time and only be in the moment. No future talks, R talks M talks..it gets you no where. I've been where you are and numerous times. I thought well if I could just tell him "THIS" he will listen to my way. Nope..Still did it..

I'm learning slowly but surely. Every day is a new one.
Read and read some more...it's amazing the strength you can get just by reading and understanding.
Be strong...this will be the longest ride...on a roller coaster that you never asked to be on. <---best sentence I read when i first came here :)
Be the best version of yourself... there is no other

You cant break my spirit, its my dreams you take - James Blunt

Offline DaybyDay1Topic starter

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Re: Trying to figure things out...
« Reply #11 on: March 04, 2018, 04:48:58 PM »
 Hi Smiling, thanks for your response.  It sounds like we are in a very similar situation.  Well, aren't we all?? :)  I want to copy what you wrote about living in the moment and not asking any more questions and glue it to my forehead so I see it every time I look in the mirror.  I HAVE to remember to do that and some days I just don't think I am capable.  My brain has become my own worst enemy. 

Do you and your H still talk now that he's moved out again?  Is he actively involved with the OW?  How do you know she is just as broken?  Sorry for all the questions... I am just curious to see how you're handling things since maybe I can learn from you.  My H's OW doesn't seem to be broken.  Well, she's been divorced twice and had a baby with her second husband 5 years after divorcing him and taking him to court for a million different things after their divorce was final.  Maybe I can guess that she might be a little broken.  She has a good job though and lives in a really nice house.  I guess she was also ok with dating a married man (even though H told her it was over, we were getting divorced, etc.).  Anyway, here I am... back to obsessing.  Need to stop that!!!!!
Married 1997
BD: 9/14/17
Currently separated
Working on reconciliation one minute and divorce the next
Two Sons - 19 and 16

Offline Mrs.Smiling

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Re: Trying to figure things out...
« Reply #12 on: March 04, 2018, 05:07:43 PM »
Oh lets see , on H's good days he will text. Right now I haven't heard from him in 3 days. Last time I heard from him he was more concerned over a doorknob I might have busted then how I was..Ow is 11 years older than him. She left her 25 yr marriage (after having two affairs) and 4 kids to come clear to our state a few times before moving here. Packed up all her stuff and joila' here she is. H used to tell me in between him coming home and leaving that he has told her to go away a few times. Well obviously she didn't get the message. This last time he came home he supposedly ended it. But she said she was staying..Meh..He left 4 months later..I was a disaster...a mess...couldn't deal with it again. I mean you would think I would have since it happened so many times prior. But nope..he made me believe that we were really working on things...H is currently living with her. As he told me the other day "we are roommates" shrugged his shoulders and said "we get along"..So of course I spouted out well I get along with a lot of people I work with doesn't mean I want to sleep with them or live with them. lol
It's a little easier now..Every day is new..Living in the moment and remembering everything that I Have learned. You can't fix them. They are going through their own turmoil. Any questions, concerns, R or M talks is all pressure..
I told H that I wasn't in charge of rectifying his relationship with S. That he needed to do that. He then wouldn't help his son out with a little cash for the week. Yep..That's how they are..
Live in the moment. That's all you can do. It's a nightmare but believe it or not...You will make it..I know it doesn't seem like it. But you will. I started focusing on my own "adventure". What can I do during this time that will make me succeed. To do it for myself and nobody else.
Remember, you can't make their choices or decisions. You can't baby them, mother them or tell them what you think should be done. Don't evn mention the MLC either. I remember doing that as well and he told OW that is what I said he was going through.
Maybe some day she will be smart and look it up. I also look at the fact I am in charge of myself. I don't have to worry about the lies the deceit or the egg shell walking when he was here..I'm only in charge of me. That actually is a lot of relief.
It will be ok...it sucks..But it will be ok...Just live YOUR life..Not his..You can't fix it. Be the change you wish to see in others...
Hugs to ya!
Be the best version of yourself... there is no other

You cant break my spirit, its my dreams you take - James Blunt

Offline DaybyDay1Topic starter

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Re: Trying to figure things out...
« Reply #13 on: March 04, 2018, 06:17:28 PM »
Oh Smiling, sounds like you've been through a lot.  It is kind of nice to have him out of the house because I am not as stressed out and the kids and I are finding our new normal.  I just don't get what goes through the minds of these OW.  No way I would move to a new state to be with a man who is married and keeps going back to his wife.  What the heck??  He really is affairing down, of that you have no worry. 

I am trying to figure out how to live my life.  It's a big change since I have been married for half my life and I really don't know what my life is without him.  THAT is a big problem that I am trying to figure out.  Luckily I am a teacher and love my job, my two kids keep me busy, I joined a gym, I started going back to church, I joined a small group from church that meets weekly, and I go out with other various friends at least once a week.  That's about all I can handle at the moment.  Maybe that's enough for me to do now.  Learning how to be alone with my thoughts is a lot of work and it wears me out.

Married 1997
BD: 9/14/17
Currently separated
Working on reconciliation one minute and divorce the next
Two Sons - 19 and 16

Offline Mrs.Smiling

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Re: Trying to figure things out...
« Reply #14 on: March 04, 2018, 06:32:05 PM »
Your thoughts will get you.. but remember they are just plays going on in your head...I used to do 30 second hate thoughts..I allowed myself 30 seconds to think all the bad things and then I would stop... it definitely helps...
S and I are doing the same... just finding our normal...I don't think I have sat in any part of the house other than my room... but I did manage to clean today so that's a step up..
Just remember live in the moment... look at your feet and see where they are... in the moment... allow yourself to feel the emotions and work through it... just don't stay there too long...
It's good that you are getting out.. my bf has started making plans for me lol... I'm ok with that, but sometimes I like the coming home and just relaxing..
You'll be ok... just keep reading.... reflecting... working on you!
Be the best version of yourself... there is no other

You cant break my spirit, its my dreams you take - James Blunt

Offline FearNot

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Re: Trying to figure things out...
« Reply #15 on: March 04, 2018, 07:17:22 PM »
Attaching DaybyDay! I'm sorry that you here with the rest of us but there is a lot of good advice and information to be had. It sounds like you've been through the ringer! Give yourself time to gain strength, courage and knowledge. Nothing about this process is a quick and every day brings new thoughts and emotions. The monkey braining is tough to deal with. Our thoughts take us to places that we need to avoid, but that takes time to learn to control and some days it seems like you can't, but you will  :) Trying to understand the why's and rationalize MLC is impossible, there's nothing rational about it. Hang in there and use your thread to vent.

Hugs and Prayers,
FN
M 46
H 40
No Kids
Married 5yrs, Together 11yrs
BD Oct 31/17
ILYBINILWY Dec 21/17
2nd BD- Dec 27/17
OW-Confirmed Jan 3/18

 Isaiah 43:1 " But the Lord says.. Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name; you are mine. "

"It's ok to be scared. Being scared means you're about to do something really, really brave." Anonymous

Offline DaybyDay1Topic starter

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Re: Trying to figure things out...
« Reply #16 on: March 05, 2018, 04:11:16 PM »
Hi FearNot, thanks for responding.  Monkey brain... that is such an accurate description.  It never turns off!  Well, it is getting a little better but I do struggle not letting my thoughts get the best of me.  I hope one day I do get control of it.

What's attaching mean?  Is there something you do to follow certain threads besides just look for them in the forum?
Married 1997
BD: 9/14/17
Currently separated
Working on reconciliation one minute and divorce the next
Two Sons - 19 and 16

Offline Mrs.Smiling

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Re: Trying to figure things out...
« Reply #17 on: March 05, 2018, 04:49:02 PM »
When you respond there is a little box off to the left click on that and you can follow the thread of your choice..

Attaching :)
Be the best version of yourself... there is no other

You cant break my spirit, its my dreams you take - James Blunt

Offline DaybyDay1Topic starter

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Re: Trying to figure things out...
« Reply #18 on: March 06, 2018, 08:07:30 PM »
Does anyone think that sometimes it does more harm than good to see a counselor?  Mine told me today that I should contact the OW since I don't believe my husband when he says "it's over" with her.  I've never heard anyone advise that is a good idea!  Plus, I leave there feeling worse about things and like I am an idiot for sticking around waiting to see what happens. 

Do marriages survive affairs and MLC?  I keep looking for positive stories and I'm not seeing many.  This has not been a good day for me emotionally.  Maybe I need to get off the internet for a while. 
Married 1997
BD: 9/14/17
Currently separated
Working on reconciliation one minute and divorce the next
Two Sons - 19 and 16

Offline FearNot

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Re: Trying to figure things out...
« Reply #19 on: March 07, 2018, 10:10:30 AM »
Day,

There are stories of reconciliation, but it's a tough road. Check out BTG Movement. It is faith based, but even if it's not your thing faith wise, read their story. I tend to search "Stand for your marriage" on you tube, or google and it leads me to some positive stuff :)

The contacting the OW... that sounds like a bad idea, but I am no expert. If you feel you're not getting out of your counselor what you need, perhaps there is someone who is better suited. Sometime the first one you see is not the one you click with!!
M 46
H 40
No Kids
Married 5yrs, Together 11yrs
BD Oct 31/17
ILYBINILWY Dec 21/17
2nd BD- Dec 27/17
OW-Confirmed Jan 3/18

 Isaiah 43:1 " But the Lord says.. Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name; you are mine. "

"It's ok to be scared. Being scared means you're about to do something really, really brave." Anonymous

 

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