Author Topic: My Story Trying to figure things out...  (Read 3797 times)

Online Treasur

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 7405
  • Gender: Female
My Story Re: Trying to figure things out...
« Reply #20 on: March 07, 2018, 10:30:58 AM »
In MLC, I think contacting ow is always almost a mistake - gives her power, demeans you, can kick off crazy and no reason to expect she'd do anything but lie anyway. On the wider issue of 'knowing'...being marriage police would be a miserable way to live and where would it stop? Next ow? A female boss? Someone he smiles at in a shop? Insanity. Trust your gut to know and let your spouse carry the weight of figuring out how/if he/she earns your trust back as they were the one who broke their promise to you and your trust.
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline DaybyDay1Topic starter

  • Full Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 141
  • Gender: Female
Re: Trying to figure things out...
« Reply #21 on: March 07, 2018, 05:28:52 PM »
Thanks, FearNot and Treasur!  I agree that contacting the OW is a bad idea.  I think I need a new counselor.  I've never seen one before really and I didn't know what to expect, but I just feel like I'm throwing my money away every week. 

Definitely checking out the BTG movement.  Faith is definitely my thing and all that is bringing me through this so far.  Thanks for that suggestion!!!

I also agree that playing marriage police is not a good idea.  Not that the husband is doing much to make me feel secure in our marriage since he is so ambivalent about us and not truly breaking ties with OW... but I'm tired of looking over my shoulder all the time and speculating over every single thing.
Married 1997
BD: 9/14/17
Currently separated
Working on reconciliation one minute and divorce the next
Two Sons - 19 and 16

Online Treasur

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 7405
  • Gender: Female
Re: Trying to figure things out...
« Reply #22 on: March 07, 2018, 09:32:25 PM »
Trust your gut on your IC too, Day...find a different one that challenges you but in a way which feels right
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline Anjae

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 16162
  • Gender: Female
Re: Trying to figure things out...
« Reply #23 on: March 07, 2018, 09:55:39 PM »
Contacting OW is a terrible idea. Nothing good can come of it.

Trust your gut on your IC too, Day...find a different one that challenges you but in a way which feels right

Second and agree.
Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together. (Marilyn Monroe)

Offline FearNot

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 668
  • Gender: Female
Re: Trying to figure things out...
« Reply #24 on: March 08, 2018, 11:24:35 AM »
Check out Rejoice Marriage Ministries as well. Lots of great information there as well  :D. Someone on here suggested that one to me, and I read their devotion daily!

M 46
H 40
No Kids
Married 5yrs, Together 11yrs
BD Oct 31/17
ILYBINILWY Dec 21/17
2nd BD- Dec 27/17
OW-Confirmed Jan 3/18

 Isaiah 43:1 " But the Lord says.. Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name; you are mine. "

"It's ok to be scared. Being scared means you're about to do something really, really brave." Anonymous

Offline DaybyDay1Topic starter

  • Full Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 141
  • Gender: Female
Re: Trying to figure things out...
« Reply #25 on: March 08, 2018, 04:52:30 PM »
Thank you all for your responses.  It really helps to read them!  I'm really tired today and I always have a hard time dealing with my emotions when I'm tired.  It's been a rough day.  Nothing in particular happened.  Husband is still out of town working and we haven't had any fights.  Still text daily and I haven't made any other "discoveries" of any kind. 

I'm just still focused on the OW and wondering if H is stringing us both along.  Wondering if he's pretending to kind of try to make it work so that he can look back and tell the kids that he did all he could.  Keeping hope alive that maybe he does want things to work out but he's not sure it's possible.  I'm not either actually, but I still want to try.  His cousin messaged me the other day and asked me to send her daughter a post card because their preschool project is to get as many different post cards from as many different places as possible.  I picked one up today and then had a moment when I wondered how to sign it.  I don't know if she knows we are separated or if I should sign his name to it too.  Stupid things like that are making me trigger today and I'm trying to keep a happy face and not let my kids know or him.  Ugh!  I know it sounds stupid in light of all the things I have faced, and everyone else on this board has faced, but it's getting to me today.  Maybe tomorrow will be better.
Married 1997
BD: 9/14/17
Currently separated
Working on reconciliation one minute and divorce the next
Two Sons - 19 and 16

Offline FearNot

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 668
  • Gender: Female
Re: Trying to figure things out...
« Reply #26 on: March 08, 2018, 05:22:30 PM »
When we are tired, are defenses are down. Dealing with this is exhausting and nothing particular needs to happen to make it a rough day. Some days are just tougher than others. That's perfectly normal. Tomorrow is a new day!

January 4th was when it was confirmed that my H was definitely, undeniably involved with someone else. I have spent a lot of energy focusing on them over the last couple months, but as the days go by, it's less and less. It does get easier, but it is a conscious action to not do it!! Is he stringing you both along, well, you have a choice as to whether or not he strings you along. The OW... she'll have to figure that out for herself. As for the pretending, it's what they do best. Reality isn't something that the MLC'er is able to face. They don't have that capacity. Sad but true.

Those little triggers can be difficult to deal with. I can't honestly say what I would sign if I was in your position. Maybe just write something like "from  DaybyDay1 family" and not sign individual names?

Hugs to you, sorry your day is rough!
M 46
H 40
No Kids
Married 5yrs, Together 11yrs
BD Oct 31/17
ILYBINILWY Dec 21/17
2nd BD- Dec 27/17
OW-Confirmed Jan 3/18

 Isaiah 43:1 " But the Lord says.. Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name; you are mine. "

"It's ok to be scared. Being scared means you're about to do something really, really brave." Anonymous

Offline DaybyDay1Topic starter

  • Full Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 141
  • Gender: Female
Re: Trying to figure things out...
« Reply #27 on: March 10, 2018, 06:16:51 PM »
Probably the wrong thing to do, but I told him that his cousin wanted me to send a postcard and should I sign his name or not.  His response was, "Really?  No one knows I moved out unless you told them."  So, I signed all of our names.  Made another mistake and said "Am I wrong in thinking this is a temporary or trial separation?  Moved out sounds so permanent."  He responded with, "You know what I mean, sheesh.  My point is the only people that know anything are the ones you told."  He moved out for the second time on January 30th since we were not getting along at all.  At the time, it was a "mutual" decision but I really don't want him to live at his condo.  I am tired of all of the fighting though.  It has gotten remarkably better since we've been apart. 

He is gone for work until March 19th and then we are taking our oldest on a road trip for a week leaving the 24th to visit the college he will be attending in the Fall.  It is a 20 hour drive!  That is going to be a true test to see how things go when we are together for an extended period of time.  Both of the kids will be there so hopefully it will go ok.  He has been texting a ton over the last couple of weeks too.  He's been interested in what's going on in my life and asking questions instead of focusing all on himself as has been the usual for quite a while now.  I know he wants sex when he gets back and he has been sending some very provocative messages over the last week.  I've responded some and that seems to get his attention big time.  Not sure how to proceed with this for now...

Anyway, I'm going to meet some friends to play bunco.  I met a couple of friends for a drink last night too.  Doing my best to stay active, but it's a rainy night and I'd rather just spend time at home with my kids!  Going to stick to my limit of doing one social thing a week for a while.  It's about all I can handle.

 
Married 1997
BD: 9/14/17
Currently separated
Working on reconciliation one minute and divorce the next
Two Sons - 19 and 16

Offline DaybyDay1Topic starter

  • Full Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 141
  • Gender: Female
Re: Trying to figure things out...
« Reply #28 on: March 12, 2018, 05:06:44 PM »
So I woke up in a mood today.  I found out last week that I'm going to be served papers for a court date on the 20th.  My husband has been in a feud with our neighbors for the last seven years and it's in regards to that.  Funny, I have nothing to do with it, but they can't serve him since he's out of state so they're calling me in to court.  I haven't gotten served yet, but the stress of it is killing me.  I am not confrontational at all and court is not my thing.  Especially since I haven't been a part of this war and have no idea what has been going on between them these days. 

Anyway, H thinks it's no big deal and is calling me dramatic for worrying about it.  I was annoyed as can be and that sparked a little bit of a text fight.  He made some comment about "if we stay married" and a couple of other things to push my buttons.  I think I'm getting tired of the "ifs" and "maybes" of this whole thing.  He doesn't seem actively involved with the OW, but maybe he is and I'm just in the dark.  That would not surprise me in the least.  Maybe I am just letting him be a cake eater?  Is it time to set some kind of boundaries?  Like as long as you are unsure about if you want to be in this marriage or not, we need to not be in contact unless it's about the kids?  I just don't know what to do, but I'm tired of this limbo.   
Married 1997
BD: 9/14/17
Currently separated
Working on reconciliation one minute and divorce the next
Two Sons - 19 and 16

Offline DaybyDay1Topic starter

  • Full Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 141
  • Gender: Female
Re: Trying to figure things out...
« Reply #29 on: March 17, 2018, 05:23:46 PM »
I thought I was emotionally detaching, but turns out I am not.  Things took a turn for the worse this week.  H has been gone in Detroit working for almost the last month.  I have a few valid reasons to believe he did not leave for the trip when he originally said.  I may have snooped which I know is the downfall for anyone going through this crap with an MCLer.

Anyway, of course he lies and says I'm crazy.  Maybe I am, who knows.  He called me last night and we talked for over an hour.  During the conversation I asked him if he is still involved with OW.  He said there is no relationship right now but he doesn't know if he wants to be with her or not.  That was enough for me.  I told him today that I am filing and we've been having a huge text fight.  He is not against me filing, but he is saying how he will fight me tooth and nail and will not "roll over" to give me everything I want.  I told him I don't care.  I'm asking for half of everything which is required by law.  We've also made some very personal DVD recordings over the year if you know what I mean and I found out he's taken those too.  I am so pissed off!  He said he doesn't trust what I will do with them, but I don't trust him either.  I think they need to be destroyed in front of both of us but he keeps dodging the question.

I so want to text the OW and tell her that he is all hers.  I have it written out in my notes on my phone and really want to send it.  My sister says it's a bad idea.  It probably is, but this is what I want to send:

I have had enough of H's lies so I am filing for divorce.  My suspicions have been confirmed that he has been stringing you along, but I'm guessing you didn't know he's been doing the same with me.  He is truly conflicted over who he wants to be with and I will not play along with that game.  You can be his backup plan and spend your time worrying if he really wanted to be with me or if your relationship can last.  He will tell you everything you want to hear, but when you realize he also lies to you too let me know and I will show you my text messages that prove it.

I know contacting the OW is a bad idea if you want to salvage your relationship, but is a bad idea if you want to plant seeds of doubt?  Probably yes.  Please, somebody tell me not to send it before I do and make a fool of myself
Married 1997
BD: 9/14/17
Currently separated
Working on reconciliation one minute and divorce the next
Two Sons - 19 and 16

 

SMF spam blocked by CleanTalk
Legal Disclaimer

The information contained within The Hero's Spouse website family (www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com, http://theherosspouse.com and associated subdomains), (collectively 'website') is provided as general information and is not intended to be a substitute for professional legal, medical or mental health advice or treatment for specific medical conditions. The Hero's Spouse cannot be held responsible for the use of the information provided. The Hero's Spouse recommends that you consult a trained medical or mental health professional before making any decision regarding treatment of yourself or others. The Hero's Spouse recommends that you consult a legal professional for specific legal advice.

Any information, stories, examples, articles, or testimonials on this website do not constitute a guarantee, or prediction regarding the outcome of an individual situation. Reading and/or posting at this website does not constitute a professional relationship between you and the website author, volunteer moderators or mentors or other community members. The moderators and mentors are peer-volunteers, and not functioning in a professional capacity and are therefore offering support and advice based solely upon their own experience and not upon legal, medical, or mental health training.