Author Topic: Discussion Vanishing subgroup: Who else lost at least one kid when your spouse left?  (Read 1693 times)

Online nahTopic starter

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Before I started reading this forum almost five years ago (Yikes!)... I thought there MUST be something wrong with ME because my husband of 28 years ran out the door like he was on fire.  Then my in-laws turned their backs and some friends.... there just HAD to be something wrong with ME.  Then when I found Hero's Spouse, I felt a big weight off of my shoulders.  Thread after thread of people just like me that had their lives turned upside down because of THE MLCER....

Whew... Sure it still stung like a mo-fo but at least I realized I wasn't as a big of loser that my MLCer and especially myself had begun to believe. 

About a year after bomb drop, as soon as I started to get a little bit on my feet, my daughter began to heap huge piles of emotional abuse not only on me but also my mother and son who both still lived in the house.  I gave her an ultimatum, "speak with respect or pack your bags"

She packed her bags and left.  That was over three years ago and hasn't spoke one word to me since.  Just to add another layer of crap,...she is great friends with her father's affair partner.  So much so, she made their wedding cake!!  :o

Now, in the real world people rarely ask about the Leaver but they almost every time will ask me about the "kids". 

How do I explain that my own daughter refuses to speak to me?

Even on this forum... many (well-meaning, I have zero ill-will with the questions) posters over the years respond with, "Oh, she will be back, just give her time...."

IMO, I think I have a better shot at The Leaver coming back then my daughter. 

Here's why I started this discussion....

I LOVE LOVE LOVE The Vanishing Thread.... just another subgroup where we all have basically the same issues, and it does help to support each other in a group.

This will be like a sub-sub group, b/c it seems the disappearing kids only attach to disappearing husbands (I could be wrong but just something I have noticed over the years).  Most importantly just like the spouse's who run away like they are on fire... when the kids also run away,... it is all about THEM and THEIR insecurities.  Was I a perfect mom?  Hell no.  But I was a damn good one.  This I now know.

I know you are out there.... I probably could name most of you.  BUT.... I also know there are probably some newbies, or semi-newbies who think they maybe did something wrong to have their children turn their backs too b/c there are less of us that not only have MLCers but ALSO children who left also (sometimes called "flying monkeys").
« Last Edit: March 09, 2018, 10:25:17 PM by Rollercoasterider »
H-54
me-52
ow-30
married 1986
BD April 6 2013 day after family went out for sons birthday.
I packed his bags two days later...semi-vanisher
https://heneversaidaword.com

Offline Milly

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Me, Nah, I'm one of us.

My oldest D23, sides with my H, loved the OW to start with, now doesn't like her at all but will tolerate her because 'I only see Daddy happy when he's with her.'

She had been away from home for 2 years by BD. She came for a holiday 2 months after BD, we had just found out abut H's affair and current OW. We were devastated. She sided with H, told me I deserved to be cheated on.

She was very hurtful to me and to D20. I told her that we were suffering enough, and if she couldn't be nice, she needed to go stay with her dad. She left during the night while we were sleeping. She didn't speak to me for almost 2 years. She eventually contacted me when she had a problem. Since then she's like a semi-vanisher. I might hear from her when she needs something, then not again for months. She speaks weekly to H.
Married 1989, together since 1984 
BD May 2014,
D24, D21, S14
OW Physical Affair. He and she said she turned 34 the month of BD. She turned 50 last year.

Online nahTopic starter

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Yep.  A big reason I feel like I don't hear at all from my daughter is her father keeps an open wallet for her even though he's basically broke now.

He even said to me in a rare conversation, "She's bleeding me dry."

Honestly, if that's the only way to have a relationship, then they deserved each other.
H-54
me-52
ow-30
married 1986
BD April 6 2013 day after family went out for sons birthday.
I packed his bags two days later...semi-vanisher
https://heneversaidaword.com

Offline Reb2817

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I have 4 kids and 2 do not speak to me. My 2 older daughters treat me like crap. They sided with him even though they won’t admit it. One of my daughters is pregnant and I had to hear about it from my son. In my case I believe they went were the money was. I was very close to them before Bd. I can’t let it bother me anymore. They are also friends with the ow. They are all the same age

Online nahTopic starter

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My oldest D23, sides with my H, loved the OW to start with, now doesn't like her at all but will tolerate her because 'I only see Daddy happy when he's with her.'



btw... when I used the term, "flying monkey",... this is EXACTLY what I was talking about....

Why would she feel the need to rub that in?  Well-adjusted young adult do not behave like that.

My daughter has done the same thing when she speaks to my mother (knowing it will get back to me).
Things such as:

She have never seen him "so happy". (Really?  B/C he's on anxiety meds for the first time in his life)
"Dad is doing GREAT financially". (I know for a fact that he made 400+K before BD, and now makes about 50K)
"Mom is mean"  lol.... she said this to my mother.  I think my mother just MIGHT know me and knows I'm not "mean".

They are like mini-MLCers

H-54
me-52
ow-30
married 1986
BD April 6 2013 day after family went out for sons birthday.
I packed his bags two days later...semi-vanisher
https://heneversaidaword.com

Online nahTopic starter

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I have 4 kids and 2 do not speak to me. My 2 older daughters treat me like crap. They sided with him even though they won’t admit it. One of my daughters is pregnant and I had to hear about it from my son. In my case I believe they went were the money was. I was very close to them before Bd. I can’t let it bother me anymore. They are also friends with the ow. They are all the same age

Seems like a trend with daughters. 

My son is great and has been since BD.
H-54
me-52
ow-30
married 1986
BD April 6 2013 day after family went out for sons birthday.
I packed his bags two days later...semi-vanisher
https://heneversaidaword.com

Offline bvFTD

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Yes, my daughter's betrayal hurt me more than my husband's.

As many of us discover after BD, our spouses spent months leading up to the abandonment by stockpiling money and spreading vicious lies around about us. My husband told people I was withholding affection from him, that I was a cold, angry b*tch to him and that I was becoming irrational. 

My daughter, 21 at the time, was delighted to spend time with her dad when he left. She could party with her friends at her dad's bachelor pad condo in the city, go out to fancy dinners with him and accompany him on lots of fun trips. She was taken aback, however, when one of his young girlfriends joined them on a trip to New Orleans. My husband replaced her car she had damaged in an accident and got her a job in our store.

As I said, I was out of commission for about 2 months trying to cope with the trauma, but I still shopped, cooked, cleaned and took care of the boys. I don't know who put my daughter up to this, could have been a sister-in-law, my husband or someone else, but she actually came to my house, opened the fridge and conducted some sort of child welfare inspection to make sure I had food for the boys. The fridge was stuffed but what if it hadn't been I wonder?

I advise telling people what our spouses have done to us because they are busily going around trying to destroy us. He drained our bank account and ruined our credit. The bank called me while I was in shock to tell me the boys and I were going to be foreclosed on. I called our financial advisor to pull out some money and told her my husband, whom she knew pretty well, emptied our bank account, bought a condo, ran out on us and was bedding every woman in sight. She called back 5 minutes later to tell me she had spoken with my husband and he hadn't done any of those things! So the outcome was that I did indeed sound nuts!

I showed my daughter her dad's diagnosis and she told the boys I forged it! I've realized that the wall of denial is so thick in some people that it is almost impossible to penetrate it.

We detect the personality change first because we are the closest to our spouses and they direct their confusion and fury at us, but eventually they can't hide the sickness and it is revealed to all. I will forgive my daughter but I will never forgive some others. I can't even look at them.


Offline If_only

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I am so sorry for the loss of your kids love and affection. I’m not even a year into this but almost lost my daughter over it! She couldn’t handle if I spoke of her dad as she loved him so much! My kids were not speaking to him so I got the brunt of everything. However, just barely pulled the relationship with my daughter up from destruction and got counselling as adult kids need it as much as anyone. I did learn in the process that the only one I could count on is me ! And that was a harsh reality as well! I hope that in the future your relationships will heal but I know that with friendship of the OW makes it pretty impossible!  My kids haven’t met her yet and I don’t know how to get through that when it happens! I also don’t know how I would feel if they are friend of her in the future - it just seems so wrong and my  heart goes out to you on that!  In the depths of despair it is nice to have family in your corner!
Big Hugs:  If


Offline in it

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Thanks nah I was thinking about starting a thread with this subject. I lost both of my daughters after the DV incident things got pretty heated between us..they were my whole world. In a month or so it will be 5 years since I have communicated with them. Some days the pain feels unbearable.  :'(

But they bought the exs crap that I'm crazy, so he will continue to lie to prevent them from knowing the truth.
Nothing I can do about it the only message I get is: be still.

I did hear some really good news about them from a friend who spoke to the exmil.  Broke right down in tears of relief to hear they are ok. One is away from him and the other isn't. I pray everyday for her.
There are two ways of spreading light:
Be the candle; or the mirror that reflects it

Don't ask why someone is still hurting you; ask why you keep letting them.

Offline Shocked

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Interesting thread Nah, both my Ds, my xH stepdaughters, tried saying neutral. That hurt me. I wanted them to be mad at him too. He was their stepD for 22 years. I think they didn’t want to be a second choice for another dad. Their biological D left in a MLC when they were 2 and  4. (Yes this this my second time with this crazy. He was a monster and cakeeater. He is still with ow but I am glad about that!!! He’s still crazy self focused!!) I still think my girls would try to have R with their stepD but he just pops up once in a while.
I care🤗
H 51
W 58
M 22 Years
2 AD both married from my first M
BD 12/15 moved out-in replay, vanisher, MOW in Atlanta
D 2/17

 

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