Andrew Root, The Children of Divorce, best read ever to help you understand the kids.
I seldom get on here, but I came back to post an article, check that out, too, Harriet Lerner on why you will probably never get that apology...
I saw this thread. Timely for me. I am a little over eight years from BD. My son, then in ninth grade was forced to go live with his dad for a semester and has stayed with him and OW ever since. He was just back HOME--he still calls this home and has more friends here in mid-Missouri than he has in Virginia--and every year, I understand more about this adventure we all embark on when they leave. I also have seen so many other RL families deal with this trauma, and all I can say is patience. I know it's hard, really hard, but LIVE YOUR TRUTH, and be patient.
I am thankful now, for all those years apart. I could go into so much detail, lots of speculation, but I still don't really know how my story ends. Neither do you. Remember this is a marathon, and while the sprint you're in seems hard, and it is, keep your eye on the long term. When you die, what do you want everyone to say and remember about you? So much resolves itself, so much gets uncovered, be true to yourself, never, ever let anyone change you for the negative, and let time sort everyone else out. I am thankful for the life I have. It is not the life I wished for, or planned for, or ever thought I would have, but it's a damn good one, and you need to think the same way. Always be that lighthouse, if not for that spouse, for your kids, if they never choose to acknowledge it, it was not your fault, but most likely, it will matter and it will not be long before they tell you. Love and light, LL