Author Topic: Discussion Vanishing subgroup: Who else lost at least one kid when your spouse left?  (Read 1694 times)

Online in it

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After reading Green Apples thread maybe I am currently better off without them in my life.It makes me very sad when I think about it so I try not to dwell too much on it.

At the very least I look at this period of no contact is none of us are doing any more emotional damage to each other than has already been done.

Healing takes time.

I had been on another site in which parents who were still married and thought they had provided a good life for their children.When the children were old enough left the house and didnt have any contact with either parent.
There are two ways of spreading light:
Be the candle; or the mirror that reflects it

Don't ask why someone is still hurting you; ask why you keep letting them.

Online nahTopic starter

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  • His mlc...too bad for him
My oldest sister very rarely talks to my mother.

uummm.... she's my mom too.  Yes, my sister is the oldest (nine years older than me ) and might have had different experiences but our mother is awesome.  In fact, my sister had her kids young and my mother had them ALL THE TIME.  If she was so bad, why let her raise the kids?

There isn't always a good reason.  My mom was there, she cooked our dinners, made our clothes, she was kind and loving, she was a great mother and grandmother. So what's the problem?  My sister is selfish.  Plain and simple.
H-54
me-52
ow-30
married 1986
BD April 6 2013 day after family went out for sons birthday.
I packed his bags two days later...semi-vanisher
https://heneversaidaword.com

Offline Savoir Faire

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I have a similar story to some of you.

For about a year to 18 months before BD, H would belittle me in front of the children as often as he thought he could get away with.  It would be about stupid things, trying to make me look bad, making my decisions look as if they were wrong and he would laugh at me in front of them.

A few months after BD, H closed our bank accounts and took everything for himself.  He gave me a small allowance for food but that was it.  If I ask him for more he would say to the children "see I told your mother was a bad person, she's trying to send me broke, she doesn't have a clue about money". He would play the big victim and make me look as bad as possible as often as possible.

Not long after BD, my daughter who was about 19 at the time, started to become his wife rather than his daughter.  H would take her to the bedroom and she would sit there listening to things that happened to him during the day, giving you advice and sympathy about his terrible life with me.

This began to have an effect on the boys as well, as H kept telling them how hopeless I was and the more you told them, the more they believed him.

H left the house 18 months after BD and came back two months later to move three of our four children out of the house.  He had being gaslighting both me and them and I had no clue what he was up to.  I am absolutely positive that H believed what he was saying was true and at this point in time he was completely crazy.

My S 21 lives is with me and always has, one son visited a couple of times, another son is slowly creeping back but my daughter who is now 22 never contacts and apparently is friendly with the OW. I have not seen my daughter for three years and have had little contact with the other two boys during this time.

H even went to the extent of getting the children to supply him with statutory declarations to discredit me during our financial settlement.  He is a real piece of work.

I'm not sure what will happen in the future with the children, I feel the two boys will probably come back but my daughter will have a lot of explaining to do and needs to apologise for all the terrible things she has done.  She also told H about me on this forum, he found my thread and tried to use it against me.  I had to change my forum name although I no longer care if he reads or not.  Savoir Faire's story starts a year after BD and the story is fictitious.  Probably about time I had my old thread moved up for continuity.
 
"And when they ask you about me and you find yourself thinking back on all of our memories,
I hope you ache in regret as the truth hits you like a bullet and you find yourself replying: ""She loved me more than anyone else in the entire world and I tried to destroy her."  He failed by the way. 
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8412(Denjef's thread)

Offline Nxsta

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Interesting read ... after a complete lack of respect to both me and her siblings i kicked d22 out last week. She was lying, would go out for the night and not come home for days with no communication etc. 

I have tried to reach out in terms of telling her i love her and my hand was forced for my own wellbeing.  She reads the messages and doesnt reply.  My greatest concern is that i had confided in her for the 6 months since BD.  She knows things that I wouldnt want H to know (ie i am seeing the same psychologist as him) but in her hateful state she is likely to do or say anything that hurts me now.

It's tough to deal with MLC and what now feels like estranged daughter (our family of five were so close before all This!)
Together 26 years
Married 23 years
3 Children: 25,22 (vanished now too),21
H:45
Me: 44
Just hanging onto this rollercoaster

Offline dogwalker

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What a great timely thread. Thank you so much for starting it as I am now at a similar stage.

At the start after BD1. S27 and S23 couldn’t have been more supportive.  W left and moved in with OM. Over the first Year
W saw the boys every 8 weeks and would respond to texts after 2 few days delay. Then I allowed her home which lasted
A few days and then BD2, Same pattern for 9 months and then she asked to come back to  me again which I allowed. S27 wasn’t
Happy with me to try a third time and told me I was stupid and she wouldn’t stay. He hardly spoke to either of us for 2 weeks and
After 4 weeks BD3 and W left. S27 reminded me of his earlier view but I said it was my life and me to learn from. But BD3 was the end for me
And for the last 12m I have been NC and later this month the D will complete. Over the last 6 months W is now seeing S27 and DIL2b weekly and
I go weeks without seeing them. If Im lucky I get a text if they need something otherwise it will be a nasty text venting at me having done something wrong
but they never ask how I am. W is involved in their wedding plans and last week
I got my invitation to the wedding and found out the only other person to attend from my family is my father and yet W has 7 members of her family.
I also got told by the wedding couple how important it was for W to have a “wonderfull day at the wedding” How did I deserve to become the bad person
S27 and DIL2b have now taken a big dislike to my GF and they bully S23 to follow their view.

I just feel so sad about it all. It’s horrible I miss them but when I see or hear from them its just an emotional beating similar to the early days when see
W after each BD.  I ask friends and family for advise but no one seems to have the solution other than to give them time. I am sadly coming to the conclusion
That I just need to look after myself and do what makes me happy. We were so close before MLC but not its like they have chosen sides and I am not in the gang. I must have lost as many tears on this as I did at BD1,2,and 3

DW

Offline Savoir Faire

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Sorry Dogwalker, it's horrible to lose your family when it was the MLCer who blew everything up.

I leave my MLCer to his crisis and the kids to their own demons.  I can't fix any of them and would never try something like that these days.

I was a loving mother to those children, I did very little wrong. I may have been emotional following BD but I can be forgiven for that, surely?

I have a happy life with my S21 and for that I am grateful.
"And when they ask you about me and you find yourself thinking back on all of our memories,
I hope you ache in regret as the truth hits you like a bullet and you find yourself replying: ""She loved me more than anyone else in the entire world and I tried to destroy her."  He failed by the way. 
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8412(Denjef's thread)

Offline dogwalker

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Thanks SV
S26 was always closer to his mother.I think deep down I knew for whatever reason he would side with her.
I dont think he has dealt with any of the marriage break up and is so happy for his mum to be back in his life he
doesnty care about hurting me. I know he bullys his brother to see her more as my Father overheard them.


Offline LisaLives

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Andrew Root, The Children of Divorce, best read ever to help you understand the kids.

I seldom get on here, but I came back to post an article, check that out, too, Harriet Lerner on why you will probably never get that apology... 

I saw this thread.  Timely for me.  I am a little over eight years from BD.  My son, then in ninth grade was forced to go live with his dad for a semester and has stayed with him and OW ever since.  He was just back HOME--he still calls this home and has more friends here in mid-Missouri than he has in Virginia--and every year, I understand more about this adventure we all embark on when they leave.  I also have seen so many other RL families deal with this trauma, and all I can say is patience.  I know it's hard, really hard, but LIVE YOUR TRUTH, and be patient. 

I am thankful now, for all those years apart.  I could go into so much detail, lots of speculation, but I still don't really know how my story ends.  Neither do you.  Remember this is a marathon, and while the sprint you're in seems hard, and it is, keep your eye on the long term.  When you die, what do you want everyone to say and remember about you?  So much resolves itself, so much gets uncovered, be true to yourself, never, ever let anyone change you for the negative, and let time sort everyone else out.  I am thankful for the life I have.  It is not the life I wished for, or planned for, or ever thought I would have, but it's a damn good one, and you need to think the same way.  Always be that lighthouse, if not for that spouse, for your kids, if they never choose to acknowledge it, it was not your fault, but most likely, it will matter and it will not be long before they tell you.  Love and light, LL
The best thing about banging your head against the wall for so long is that it feels so good when you finally stop...

BD 1/16/10
D Final 7/21/11
exH married OW the next week and moved across the country to be with her... 

LL CHOSE to live happily ever after...

Offline OffRoad

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People will lie about you. Live your life so that no one will believe them.
When life gives you lemons, make SALSA!

Offline dogwalker

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I had another clash with S27 this weekend. Its almost like talking to his mother when she monstered to me.. Can it be possible that he is monstering at me as part of his process to accept his parents marriage is no more?

 

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