Author Topic: Discussion Vanishing subgroup: Who else lost at least one kid when your spouse left?  (Read 1692 times)

Offline nahTopic starter

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I had another clash with S27 this weekend. Its almost like talking to his mother when she monstered to me.. Can it be possible that he is monstering at me as part of his process to accept his parents marriage is no more?

IMO.... their behavior is very similar to MLC (or whatever it is that happens to our spouse).

I really don't think them rejecting us really has anything to do with us or how we were as parents.  I have a rare kind of MLCer where he actually admits (from the very beginning, and even now five years later) that I was a "great mother and wife", and we have, "really great memories"... yes my MLCer has said and wrote this to me more than once. 

So why are backs turned? 

His explanation for him is he "changed" for our daughter well, she won't talk about it. 

She refuses to talk about it b/c she has nothing except her own selfishness.  Her father gives her money and I expect her to behave like an adult.

We can spin around in circles about what we did wrong or what we should do to try to "fix" them. 
Or we can let go and do what "LisaLives" says and LIVE OUR TRUTH. 


H-54
me-52
ow-30
married 1986
BD April 6 2013 day after family went out for sons birthday.
I packed his bags two days later...semi-vanisher
https://heneversaidaword.com

Offline bvFTD

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dogwalker:

I think our children get angry at us because we are the safe target. Even if they don't admit it, they must realize after awhile that something is very wrong with the parent who abruptly left, that the entire situation is shocking, unfathomable and should never have occurred, and that the Abandoner is entirely to blame for the destruction of the family.

My youngest tore into me a couple times in his confusion and despair but I gently told him we are all hurting and we must be kind to each other.  I worry about the kids who live with the MLCers full-time potentially adopting some of the MLCer's callous and cruel traits. They are not good role models.

Offline bvFTD

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Nah:

I also must agree with you that some of our kids who behaved reprehensibly from the beginning and throughout the years are most likely shallow, selfish people, which is so sad to realize. I guess MLC reveals the true colors in friends, in-laws and even in our children.

Offline dogwalker

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Thanks bvFTD I do believe we are the easy target. And I also agree that my S is shallow and can be selfish.
But I also think that he is very young and has little life experience. In his world there is only black and white with
No in between. Where as I have learnt over the last 2+ years that life can be a b!tch and you have to be flexible
Mindfull and patient with people as everyone has some kind of issue they are dealing with
I’m am seeing S27 tonight. I aim to be open and approachable but if I see the monster I will depart
DW

Offline nahTopic starter

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Today my 32 year old niece flew home for her baby shower. 

My niece and her twin sister and another female cousin basically spent every non-school moment growing up at my house.  We use to joke that they got dropped off June and went home in September.  All four cousins (and my poor son who was surrounded by girls) were very very close.

My daughter didn't show up to her favorite cousin's baby shower.

Now many family members know of the situation but some of my niece's friends didn't know b/c my niece moved away about four years ago.  They just assumed they would also see my daughter who use to be glued to her older cousins' sides.

No.... she no longer talks to the family.

Why?

umm....  I really don't know, you would have to ask her.

Two of my other (younger) nieces brought up, "but... it doesn't make sense.... you are the fun aunt... what's her problem?"

My mother jumped in (with tears in her eyes), "I've asked her, she says she doesn't want to talk about it.  She no longer calls me b/c I asked."

Wait a minute.... She doesn't talk to her grandmother either? 
Nope.

Her cousins?
Nope.

Her brother?
Nope.

The new addition to the family was there,,...My nephew's one year old adorable little girl... I wonder if my daughter even knows she exists. 

Who is she punishing?


H-54
me-52
ow-30
married 1986
BD April 6 2013 day after family went out for sons birthday.
I packed his bags two days later...semi-vanisher
https://heneversaidaword.com

Offline Reb2817

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Its sounds like maybe depression. Or just plan avoidance. My 2 daughters are doing the same to me. Its sad she is missing out on so much.

Offline In the valley

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Re: Vanishing subgroup: Who else lost at least one kid when your spouse left?
« Reply #36 on: December 06, 2018, 02:12:32 PM »
I just found this thread.  I lost my daughter about 6 months after my XW left.  From the beginning my W tried to get my D to go with.  She was very conflicted but decided to stay.  Her mom worked on her and would bash me with her as a way for the two of them to connect.  Very MLC like.  My D was becoming more n more disrespectful until she went off on me one day.  She then decided to move to her moms and not have any contact with me, just like her mom.  Now its like boys vs girls because my boys won't talk to their sister, they barely talk to their mom.  Neither daughter or X talk to me.  It very immature and silly but bottom line is it's sad and tragic for our once happy in tact family.
My XW stopped responding and paying her portion of the medical expenses 2 months ago.  So have not had any contact at all in about 3 months.  Idk if she just thinks ignoring it will make it go away.  I realize I'll have to take legal action, just waiting until there's enough owed to make it worth while. 
M39, W38, D16, S14, S13 at BD. 20yr together married 18
Said I love you every night before bed good physical R
8/31/17 filed for D, left papers at house for me to find. Didn't come home or answer phone.
Moved to her parents house 2 doors down.
9/15/17 discover OM and PA she had the night of BD.
OM 12yr older unemployed in NY city met online leaving to marry him.  Said "I've done things for others my whole life time for me to do something for me", "I deserve to do what makes me happy!"
10/31/2017 left for good.
D final 12/21/2017
Returned once 3/28/18 to visit family.
Convinced D to leave and live with her 6/4/2018
Boys both live with me don't talk to mom.

Offline nahTopic starter

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Re: Vanishing subgroup: Who else lost at least one kid when your spouse left?
« Reply #37 on: December 06, 2018, 02:26:02 PM »
Sorry that you are also going through this pain, ITV.

All I can say is live your truth, know you did nothing wrong and hope for the best but keep expectations low.

I did recently find out some information.
Now, I'm further along than you, almost six years post BD and almost five years post my daughter leaving.

For the first few years, they had gatherings, birthday parties, my daughter made gourmet cupcakes for their wedding.  This Thanksgiving she did NOT attend the holiday with her father.  In fact, none of the in-laws did.  Trouble in paradise?  Most likely.
Also, just recently my daughter has reached out to some of her cousins, so it's a step.
H-54
me-52
ow-30
married 1986
BD April 6 2013 day after family went out for sons birthday.
I packed his bags two days later...semi-vanisher
https://heneversaidaword.com

Offline Shelly7435

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Re: Vanishing subgroup: Who else lost at least one kid when your spouse left?
« Reply #38 on: December 09, 2018, 06:11:29 PM »
My D moved out the end of October.  One of her reasons is because I didn't make dinner.
She would get home from school about 3pm. I would get home at 5ish. Say I was making "blah blah" for dinner. She would say wait to make it. Or she didn't want that. So I would make it and she wouldn't eat.. But at 10pm she would be hungry .. I'd say that I made whatever it was..No she didnt want that. Went on for months.  I would go to the store and ask her what she wanted.. I always got nothing. So I guessed .. The freezer was full of stuff the pantry too... I even said go to the store and get what you want.. I'll pay for it...she wouldn't. I finally gave up... She has as silly of as reasons as X for leaving in my opinion.
M 52
H 47
M 12 years; together 17 years
D17, S27
Summer 2014 - H wanted to runaway
9/14 I was diagnosed with Breast cancer
11/14 Surgery for BC..3 day after my father dies
11/14 BD 2 days after surgery. I have no passion for you.
2/15 moved out
Dated each other all year affection back on..
3/16 moved home
7/16 Diagnosed with Breast cancer again
8/16 No affection again. I knew something was wrong.
9/16 Another surgery for Breast Cancer
9/16 BD 11 days after surgery discovered -EA with much younger W from Work. That is over. I think he has meaningless flings. Work is his mistress
10/16 I filed for D (financial reasons)
10/16 I moved out.
10/16 Now off and on vanisher
5/17 Divorce final

Offline In the valley

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Re: Vanishing subgroup: Who else lost at least one kid when your spouse left?
« Reply #39 on: December 09, 2018, 06:38:46 PM »
Thanks Nah.
Shelly with mine it is very much like she just wanted to mimick her mom's behavior.  I also think she just couldn't deal with what her mom did without normalizing it and part of that was to cut me out of her life the way her mom did.
I relate and sympathize with both of you.  My expectations are very low at this point.  I've heard I should keep sending Christmas cards and birthday presents, stuff like that.  What do others do in this situation?
M39, W38, D16, S14, S13 at BD. 20yr together married 18
Said I love you every night before bed good physical R
8/31/17 filed for D, left papers at house for me to find. Didn't come home or answer phone.
Moved to her parents house 2 doors down.
9/15/17 discover OM and PA she had the night of BD.
OM 12yr older unemployed in NY city met online leaving to marry him.  Said "I've done things for others my whole life time for me to do something for me", "I deserve to do what makes me happy!"
10/31/2017 left for good.
D final 12/21/2017
Returned once 3/28/18 to visit family.
Convinced D to leave and live with her 6/4/2018
Boys both live with me don't talk to mom.

 

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