Oh Nah - I've been through EXACTLY the same thing. My husband sends a big allowance to our daughter 's account each month without fail - she's almost 25! I think he has been too afraid to drop the rope. I'm not convinced that either of my children would see him in such a forgiving, empathetic light, had he failed to lighten up and support them financially. He did nothing for the first 2 years and in the beginning, i just saw it as plain dysfunctional, yet in hindsight, I believe it helped pave the way for what is now a genuinely loving relationship..He is so much more interested in their lives, cares for them, gives them advice etc. To give her credit, my daughter became really insecure about not being independent...and she did begin to take every opportunity that came her way. She changed and she grew until she finally got a great job just recently..I'm pretty sure she still receives a buffer - but I don't feel he's buying her affection plus rinsing your parents now and then is absolutely fine in my book. But before this 'awakening' these past few years, she probably racked up more air-miles than I could dream of; never had to worry too much about finding the rent, bought a car etc..CONFUSINGLY - at the same time, he was rejecting any grounds for spousal support because 1) I am of working age and best of all, 2) now that I've weathered the storm and managed to build an even better life, I have illustrated that I am quite capable of paying my own bills!?
Yep..my children went through the same, 'it's Dad's cash and THEY should decide when and if I get help' which created situations where I had to go through them to get cash when I was in dire straits. Priceless.
But, they are just children and have no idea about marriage, parenthood or real responsibility. How could they? They take the path of least resistance - iI does hurt us so badly and it does feel disloyal...But it is not about us - Maybe they are experiencing the same backward, short-term thinking of the MLC.
I think too, just like the MLC,, they're too busy running to think long-term, it hurts their spaghetti heads when they have those moments of clarity and understand see that their choices affect you as much as it does them. And in those moments of clarity - they are mortified.
In the beginning, my children were 100% behind me, they wouldn't even speak to their father..There have been so many stages - and at one point, my children would not come to me for anything, kept secrets, became dismissive and so on. I felt so lost and sick that this MLC had stolen my role as the kind of mother I had always been and still longed to be. It felt like the worst kind of punishment.
About 6 years into this journey and I've just survived my first Christmas ever WITHOUT my children. It really turned out to be the biggest breakthrough for me. I did a lot of soul-searching (and gardening) and realised that I am pretty happy. They were with their father - and recognised that there had been a massive shift - He had never been ALONE with the children at Christmas either and the strangeness was noted by all - probably never to be repeated. I think they realised too late that they had hurt themselves and it must've scared them all a bit. I started getting messages from him about wanting to communicate better etc...So I recently signed divorce papers - and got crickets! LOL! I swallowed the terms and it didn't hurt one bit. I've been a single mother of sorts for quite a few years now, that painful relegation, that reduced role I see now, was an opportunity..I have so much more room in my head - Look at me posting on HS!! I'm building broken relationships with my children so they feel at ease in my life. They don't want to feel your pain Nas. That's what it's really about. I feel sure of that.