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Author Topic: My Story lugging around this bucket of water for those still consumed by the fire

D

DCD

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Previous threads:

http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=899.msg51509#msg51509


http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=3418.msg205110#msg205110

so it's been a very long while and i thought i would check in after all these years (so many new people and only just a few of the long-timers) because i had received so much help in the early (and mid...and more mid) days, that i'd thought i'd return the favour by offering my little bit of insight into this poop show called MLC.

first, i'd like to apologize for not being able to resurrect my thread.  i wouldn't even know where to begin with that.

secondly, i'd like to mention that it's been 2.5 weeks since my husband has moved back into our home (stays in the front bedroom), after having left me for his girlfriend 7.5 years ago, and likely being involved with her closer to 8.5 years.  to summarize:

June 2010, my husband (43 at the time, me having just turned 40) gave me the speech after almost 12 years of marriage.  at that time, he denied being involved with anyone, stating that he's done so much for so many that he just wants to be alone to do for himself.  he stated he'd be moving in with his friend (male) but instead, end of August 2010, moved in with his girlfriend, leaving me and our 10-year-old son with special needs.  he is a clinger who comes and goes often, stating he doesn't know what he wants.

March 2011, i find a travel itinerary for the dominican for himself and a girl 17 years his junior.  i call him at work to confront him.  he admits to seeing her but denies her importance. 

in the years that follow, he lies, manipulates, says horrible things to me and about me, interspersed with acts of kindness, one attempt to come back in 2013 (which quickly turned into him trying to push me out from the inside) and a return to his girlfriend.  at this time, he offers me a ridiculous settlement which i immediately throw into the trash.  he predictably cycles over the next few years with a mini bomb drop before christmas, meanness through the winter (with a yearly trip down south with his lady - we've never vacationed), depression through spring early summer, closeness after that and then boom! back to him pulling a boner in time for the holidays.  throughout this time, i've shot him with many truths, planted many seeds and eventually just let the rope go and built a great little life with my boy.  we thrive, he struggles to survive.  i won't say too much about his girlfriend except to say that she is immature, petty, vindictive, mean, selfish, and really only going on what she's been told about me, which i imagine was pretty awful. she took to social media on many occasions to attack me (true, i didn't have to look but it became a good indication of where husband was in his cycle - she lashed out hard when she felt threatened).  her biggest threat was his refusal to proceed with a separation agreement/divorce.  son and i stayed in the marital home that he more or less paid for and nothing was done in that way to move things along for the next two years.  he continued to accuse me of things, being a freeloader among other things, as well as questioning my comings and goings, who i'm with and what i'm doing.  i offer nothing and ask nothing.  this makes him batty.

Christmas 2015 i get a letter from his lawyer stating that he's moving forward with the separation agreement.  what he didn't count on was me being ready for this as i had already planned to have him notified in the new year.  in my part of the world, you have six years within which you can make a claim for spousal support/pension splitting from the time of separation and that was only now 8 months away.  over the next year we gathered our information, our lawyers were now involved and we had one major blow out that led to me letting him know that that last "discussion" was the very last time he'd hear my voice and see my face.  from that point on, everything would be done and said through our lawyers, since he refused to be respectful.  our son was now 15, high functioning and able to make his own arrangements with his dad.  he struggled with this and changed his tone but i kept up with going dark by responding only to emails that i thought were relevant to our situation at that time.  eventually we exchange all necessary information and agree to mediation which was scheduled a full year later in December 2016. 

during mediation, the mediator was baffled, to say the least, by him and his behaviour.  that man worked very hard for his money that day and i really felt a sort of sympathy and disbelief coming from BOTH lawyers (although mine already had a pretty great idea of what i was dealing with) and the mediatior.  in the end, i felt i had done very well - big surprise husband felt he got screwed, a draft of the minutes signed which sealed our financials - support payments established, pension split established, sale of house scheduled for spring of 2018, and with only the separation agreement to be drawn up and signed, and a meeting to split remaining assets within the home between ourselves arranged, to be done.

February 2017 - husband asks for an entire weekend to go through our belongings together, which i agreed to, but then shows up the Sunday afternoon.  it starts off well enough, with him getting edgier by the hour, culminating in me asking him to leave with very little settled.  instead, he turns back into the house, sits on my couch, asks me if i'm happy in life and proceeds to cry.  he is not happy.  everything i had told him would happen did.  he isn't happy with his life, his girlfriend. he has made many mistakes and lists off many examples.  i offer very little but listen to everything.  after a few hours, he leaves with me promising to continue to discuss at a later time.  he doesn't bring it up again until May, at which time he asks to move home. he'll stay in the guest room but he wants to be close to the house and his son.  this causes me anxiety as i've moved on, son is stable and happy with our situation - this is our sanctuary.  i told him we could talk more about this and then heard nothing for the remainder of the year.  he again becomes irritable, angry, and mean over the next several months.  he's back to calling me a freeloader living off his hard earned money (never touching on the sacrifices and hardships i had gone through).  he continues to travel and live his life, seemingly having decided to give his relationship another go.

February 2018 - he texts me stating that events are coming up that he needs to discuss with me.  our house is scheduled to go on the market the next month.  i told him to let me know when he was available to speak.  he doesn't respond.  medical issues arise with our son so when next he arrives to pick him up for supper, i ask him to sit so we can discuss.  we do and he seems very engaged and ready to be available for whatever whenever.  at that time, he mentions he had stuff he needed to discuss.  he asks to come home.  he speaks clearly and thoughtfully.  makes no apologies but reflects on the many bad decisions he's made and regrets he has.  he doesn't want to sell the house, he wants to keep it for as long as son is in school (in a program and is able to stay past the age of 18 so we're looking at another 3 years).  he tells me he knows i'm not a freeloader.  he repeats things i had said to him YEARS ago but doesn't seem to realize i had said them - spoken like they were his own thoughts and conclusions.  specifically used the girlfriend is just a "bandaid on a gaping wound" that he's long past ready to rip off.  he states he's been packed for months, looking for an apartment or room to rent near our home so he can be close but can't find anything (i know this to be true as i've been looking for same for when house has to sell).  states he will be there for son and me, in the guest room, helping out so we can both get out of the financial holes we are now in, and looking after him while i go out and enjoy myself more often.  many signs of clarity and regret. transparent in his thoughts and feelings. no remorse, no apologies, but some admission of how hard it must have been for me and how well i managed, especially with our son.  i told him that our separation agreement and an addendum to that agreement stating this is not a reconciliation but for financial reasons had to be signed as everything i have fought for up to this point was for not just me but our son's future.  that my fear is once he's done with this obligation to our son (once son ages out), he could easily turn his back.  he denied that but agreed to sign.  i told him he could start bringing his things over and to let me know what his timeline for moving back would be.

End of February 2018, i get a text on my way back from a visit to hometown stating that he's starting to move stuff in.  get another text stating that he's moved more stuff in, then turn the corner onto our street to see his truck parked outside.  he spends the night so that we can all leave for son's medical appointment early in the morning. 

today, still home.  we spent the last three weeks having dinner every night that he's not working.  he goes out to see friends, to watch the game, and often brings son with.  he's careful to leave me with my time and space and i do the same.  we get along like friendly roommates, often joking and sharing a beer or some wine.  it's very shallow and surface and works just fine.  we'll be discussing the terms of the separation agreement since a lot of it depended on the house being sold this month - since that has changed, some of the terms will...but none of the ones surrounding the support payments or pension agreements already signed.  so far it's working fine.  long (at least until son is finished with school) may that continue. 
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« Last Edit: March 12, 2018, 06:57:08 PM by xyzcf »
some days are yellow
some days are blue
on different days, i'm different too
you'd be surprised how many ways
i change on different-colored days.
 - dr. seuss

M
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Wow DCD!
Thank you immensely for sharing everything you've been through, and giving some insight to so many of us who are so doubtful at times.
It took a lot of bravery to face the past again and write it all down in summary.

I guess my question to you is - are you happy with H home?
I know there's so much detachment even with him living at home.
You say he's like a roommate, but are either of you hoping for more?  DO you know?

I just pray that my H will see the mistakes he's made, as yours did.
I'm very early into this (one year), but pray for a speedy but complete trip through the tunnel.

Thanks again.  You sound great.

MCS
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Oh my goodness....how are you doing DCD? And your boy?
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T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

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Hello DCD.

As you can see, I am still around and husband is still gone.

I thank you for coming back with your update.....regardless of the end result....your husband shows what we have seen in many other MLCers....there is some clarity and there is a draw to come back home..no matter how many years it has been!

Quote
specifically used the girlfriend is just a "bandaid on a gaping wound" that he's long past ready to rip off.

What you do and what the result is is in your hands...as has so often been said, the LBSer gets to decide.

Your insight into his crisis, where he is at now is invaluable to me and others who have been going through this for years and years and a testimony to newbies as well...you really do not know what the road ahead will be.

I hope you and your son are well.

Thank you for posting.

Let me know if you wish me to post the addresses to your old posts. I would be happy to do so if you would like.
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"Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see" Hebrews 11:1

"You enrich my life and are a source of joy and consolation to me. But if I lose you, I will not, I must not spend the rest of my life in unhappiness."

" The truth does not change according to our ability to stomach it". Flannery O'Connor

https://www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com/chapter-contents.html

K
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Wow DCD thank you for sharing! Sounds like your H has been on quite a journey. As have you. I look forward to hearing more of your story and valuable insight.
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Me 49
H 47
S13
BD 5/16
H Moved out 6/16
OW--yes. Worked for H. EA turned into PA while I was in chemo. On again/off again like every high school romance

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Thank you for sharing.  Following along to hear the rest of the journey!
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10.29.17 BD-Moved out to OW/A began in  6.17
3.5.18 OW moved away/H moved in with F
3.19.18  H moved home into spare room 
7.14.18  Moved to be with OW (another state)
9.4.18  Moved back-Living with Parents 
11.1.18  OW moved back.  H living w/her in D's basement room. 
11.18 - H started visiting on holidays
11.26.19 Call from H.  BIL died suddenly.
1.19 - H announced to my inner circle that he moved to sisters  inc all belongings
2.19  H volunteers to house and dog sit whenever.
Spring 19  H visiting house and doing chores on a regular basis
7.20 OW2 Confirmed  5 hours away  Monthy visits  Was hiding her!

4.83 Started Dating
8.10.85  Married

D -29 Married with 2 children 
S - 27 Engaged in Prof School
3 Dogs (he left them all behind

N

Nas

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Wow, 7.5 years.  It's amazing how long it takes these folks.
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Thank you for sharing DCD. I'm only a few months in, and am in the process of detaching, stories like yours assure me that there could be a chance still no matter how small.
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Me 39; H 43
Married 14 years
No kids, no pets

t
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DCD, good to see you back and posting!  It sure does take a long, long time for them to un-MLC.  Seems like yours finally, FINALLY has some clarity.  Hope all goes well with him back in the house. 
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7.5 years. wowza that is pretty intense.

Well done you for raising your boy alone in this MLC madness. Thank you for coming back here to update everyone on how your story is going.
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You know this is MLC when you have played emotional hot potato with a pair of crotch-less tights.

 

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