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Author Topic: My Story lugging around this bucket of water for those still consumed by the fire

D

DCD

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Previous threads:

http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=899.msg51509#msg51509


http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=3418.msg205110#msg205110

so it's been a very long while and i thought i would check in after all these years (so many new people and only just a few of the long-timers) because i had received so much help in the early (and mid...and more mid) days, that i'd thought i'd return the favour by offering my little bit of insight into this poop show called MLC.

first, i'd like to apologize for not being able to resurrect my thread.  i wouldn't even know where to begin with that.

secondly, i'd like to mention that it's been 2.5 weeks since my husband has moved back into our home (stays in the front bedroom), after having left me for his girlfriend 7.5 years ago, and likely being involved with her closer to 8.5 years.  to summarize:

June 2010, my husband (43 at the time, me having just turned 40) gave me the speech after almost 12 years of marriage.  at that time, he denied being involved with anyone, stating that he's done so much for so many that he just wants to be alone to do for himself.  he stated he'd be moving in with his friend (male) but instead, end of August 2010, moved in with his girlfriend, leaving me and our 10-year-old son with special needs.  he is a clinger who comes and goes often, stating he doesn't know what he wants.

March 2011, i find a travel itinerary for the dominican for himself and a girl 17 years his junior.  i call him at work to confront him.  he admits to seeing her but denies her importance. 

in the years that follow, he lies, manipulates, says horrible things to me and about me, interspersed with acts of kindness, one attempt to come back in 2013 (which quickly turned into him trying to push me out from the inside) and a return to his girlfriend.  at this time, he offers me a ridiculous settlement which i immediately throw into the trash.  he predictably cycles over the next few years with a mini bomb drop before christmas, meanness through the winter (with a yearly trip down south with his lady - we've never vacationed), depression through spring early summer, closeness after that and then boom! back to him pulling a boner in time for the holidays.  throughout this time, i've shot him with many truths, planted many seeds and eventually just let the rope go and built a great little life with my boy.  we thrive, he struggles to survive.  i won't say too much about his girlfriend except to say that she is immature, petty, vindictive, mean, selfish, and really only going on what she's been told about me, which i imagine was pretty awful. she took to social media on many occasions to attack me (true, i didn't have to look but it became a good indication of where husband was in his cycle - she lashed out hard when she felt threatened).  her biggest threat was his refusal to proceed with a separation agreement/divorce.  son and i stayed in the marital home that he more or less paid for and nothing was done in that way to move things along for the next two years.  he continued to accuse me of things, being a freeloader among other things, as well as questioning my comings and goings, who i'm with and what i'm doing.  i offer nothing and ask nothing.  this makes him batty.

Christmas 2015 i get a letter from his lawyer stating that he's moving forward with the separation agreement.  what he didn't count on was me being ready for this as i had already planned to have him notified in the new year.  in my part of the world, you have six years within which you can make a claim for spousal support/pension splitting from the time of separation and that was only now 8 months away.  over the next year we gathered our information, our lawyers were now involved and we had one major blow out that led to me letting him know that that last "discussion" was the very last time he'd hear my voice and see my face.  from that point on, everything would be done and said through our lawyers, since he refused to be respectful.  our son was now 15, high functioning and able to make his own arrangements with his dad.  he struggled with this and changed his tone but i kept up with going dark by responding only to emails that i thought were relevant to our situation at that time.  eventually we exchange all necessary information and agree to mediation which was scheduled a full year later in December 2016. 

during mediation, the mediator was baffled, to say the least, by him and his behaviour.  that man worked very hard for his money that day and i really felt a sort of sympathy and disbelief coming from BOTH lawyers (although mine already had a pretty great idea of what i was dealing with) and the mediatior.  in the end, i felt i had done very well - big surprise husband felt he got screwed, a draft of the minutes signed which sealed our financials - support payments established, pension split established, sale of house scheduled for spring of 2018, and with only the separation agreement to be drawn up and signed, and a meeting to split remaining assets within the home between ourselves arranged, to be done.

February 2017 - husband asks for an entire weekend to go through our belongings together, which i agreed to, but then shows up the Sunday afternoon.  it starts off well enough, with him getting edgier by the hour, culminating in me asking him to leave with very little settled.  instead, he turns back into the house, sits on my couch, asks me if i'm happy in life and proceeds to cry.  he is not happy.  everything i had told him would happen did.  he isn't happy with his life, his girlfriend. he has made many mistakes and lists off many examples.  i offer very little but listen to everything.  after a few hours, he leaves with me promising to continue to discuss at a later time.  he doesn't bring it up again until May, at which time he asks to move home. he'll stay in the guest room but he wants to be close to the house and his son.  this causes me anxiety as i've moved on, son is stable and happy with our situation - this is our sanctuary.  i told him we could talk more about this and then heard nothing for the remainder of the year.  he again becomes irritable, angry, and mean over the next several months.  he's back to calling me a freeloader living off his hard earned money (never touching on the sacrifices and hardships i had gone through).  he continues to travel and live his life, seemingly having decided to give his relationship another go.

February 2018 - he texts me stating that events are coming up that he needs to discuss with me.  our house is scheduled to go on the market the next month.  i told him to let me know when he was available to speak.  he doesn't respond.  medical issues arise with our son so when next he arrives to pick him up for supper, i ask him to sit so we can discuss.  we do and he seems very engaged and ready to be available for whatever whenever.  at that time, he mentions he had stuff he needed to discuss.  he asks to come home.  he speaks clearly and thoughtfully.  makes no apologies but reflects on the many bad decisions he's made and regrets he has.  he doesn't want to sell the house, he wants to keep it for as long as son is in school (in a program and is able to stay past the age of 18 so we're looking at another 3 years).  he tells me he knows i'm not a freeloader.  he repeats things i had said to him YEARS ago but doesn't seem to realize i had said them - spoken like they were his own thoughts and conclusions.  specifically used the girlfriend is just a "bandaid on a gaping wound" that he's long past ready to rip off.  he states he's been packed for months, looking for an apartment or room to rent near our home so he can be close but can't find anything (i know this to be true as i've been looking for same for when house has to sell).  states he will be there for son and me, in the guest room, helping out so we can both get out of the financial holes we are now in, and looking after him while i go out and enjoy myself more often.  many signs of clarity and regret. transparent in his thoughts and feelings. no remorse, no apologies, but some admission of how hard it must have been for me and how well i managed, especially with our son.  i told him that our separation agreement and an addendum to that agreement stating this is not a reconciliation but for financial reasons had to be signed as everything i have fought for up to this point was for not just me but our son's future.  that my fear is once he's done with this obligation to our son (once son ages out), he could easily turn his back.  he denied that but agreed to sign.  i told him he could start bringing his things over and to let me know what his timeline for moving back would be.

End of February 2018, i get a text on my way back from a visit to hometown stating that he's starting to move stuff in.  get another text stating that he's moved more stuff in, then turn the corner onto our street to see his truck parked outside.  he spends the night so that we can all leave for son's medical appointment early in the morning. 

today, still home.  we spent the last three weeks having dinner every night that he's not working.  he goes out to see friends, to watch the game, and often brings son with.  he's careful to leave me with my time and space and i do the same.  we get along like friendly roommates, often joking and sharing a beer or some wine.  it's very shallow and surface and works just fine.  we'll be discussing the terms of the separation agreement since a lot of it depended on the house being sold this month - since that has changed, some of the terms will...but none of the ones surrounding the support payments or pension agreements already signed.  so far it's working fine.  long (at least until son is finished with school) may that continue. 
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« Last Edit: March 12, 2018, 06:57:08 PM by xyzcf »
some days are yellow
some days are blue
on different days, i'm different too
you'd be surprised how many ways
i change on different-colored days.
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M
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Wow DCD!
Thank you immensely for sharing everything you've been through, and giving some insight to so many of us who are so doubtful at times.
It took a lot of bravery to face the past again and write it all down in summary.

I guess my question to you is - are you happy with H home?
I know there's so much detachment even with him living at home.
You say he's like a roommate, but are either of you hoping for more?  DO you know?

I just pray that my H will see the mistakes he's made, as yours did.
I'm very early into this (one year), but pray for a speedy but complete trip through the tunnel.

Thanks again.  You sound great.

MCS
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Oh my goodness....how are you doing DCD? And your boy?
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T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

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Hello DCD.

As you can see, I am still around and husband is still gone.

I thank you for coming back with your update.....regardless of the end result....your husband shows what we have seen in many other MLCers....there is some clarity and there is a draw to come back home..no matter how many years it has been!

Quote
specifically used the girlfriend is just a "bandaid on a gaping wound" that he's long past ready to rip off.

What you do and what the result is is in your hands...as has so often been said, the LBSer gets to decide.

Your insight into his crisis, where he is at now is invaluable to me and others who have been going through this for years and years and a testimony to newbies as well...you really do not know what the road ahead will be.

I hope you and your son are well.

Thank you for posting.

Let me know if you wish me to post the addresses to your old posts. I would be happy to do so if you would like.
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"Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see" Hebrews 11:1

"You enrich my life and are a source of joy and consolation to me. But if I lose you, I will not, I must not spend the rest of my life in unhappiness."

" The truth does not change according to our ability to stomach it". Flannery O'Connor

https://www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com/chapter-contents.html

K
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Wow DCD thank you for sharing! Sounds like your H has been on quite a journey. As have you. I look forward to hearing more of your story and valuable insight.
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Me 49
H 47
S13
BD 5/16
H Moved out 6/16
OW--yes. Worked for H. EA turned into PA while I was in chemo. On again/off again like every high school romance

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Thank you for sharing.  Following along to hear the rest of the journey!
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10.29.17 BD-Moved out to OW/A began in  6.17
3.5.18 OW moved away/H moved in with F
3.19.18  H moved home into spare room 
7.14.18  Moved to be with OW (another state)
9.4.18  Moved back-Living with Parents 
11.1.18  OW moved back.  H living w/her in D's basement room. 
11.18 - H started visiting on holidays
11.26.19 Call from H.  BIL died suddenly.
1.19 - H announced to my inner circle that he moved to sisters  inc all belongings
2.19  H volunteers to house and dog sit whenever.
Spring 19  H visiting house and doing chores on a regular basis
7.20 OW2 Confirmed  5 hours away  Monthy visits  Was hiding her!

4.83 Started Dating
8.10.85  Married

D -29 Married with 2 children 
S - 27 Engaged in Prof School
3 Dogs (he left them all behind

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Nas

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Wow, 7.5 years.  It's amazing how long it takes these folks.
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Thank you for sharing DCD. I'm only a few months in, and am in the process of detaching, stories like yours assure me that there could be a chance still no matter how small.
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Me 39; H 43
Married 14 years
No kids, no pets

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DCD, good to see you back and posting!  It sure does take a long, long time for them to un-MLC.  Seems like yours finally, FINALLY has some clarity.  Hope all goes well with him back in the house. 
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7.5 years. wowza that is pretty intense.

Well done you for raising your boy alone in this MLC madness. Thank you for coming back here to update everyone on how your story is going.
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You know this is MLC when you have played emotional hot potato with a pair of crotch-less tights.

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Thank you!  I want to follow along.  :)
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Divorce Bomb August 6, 2017
Married 19 years
Together 22 years
Divorced as of January 2019
I don't think I'm standing, but who knows what the future brings.
Two Teenage boys
Me: 55
H 59
OW? I don't know - probably plural

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Thanks for sharing your story. Was your H ever a vanisher?
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“In the end, you’ve got to be your own hero because everyone’s busy trying to save themselves.”

D

DCD

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Hello everyone - and thank you!

Yes 7.5 years is a very long time. So much has happened during that time. It really seems like a whole other life and in pretty much every way, it was.

Xyzcf, Trusting - hello  :) I’ve thought of you and others over the years. Xyzcf, if you could post that link, I would very much appreciate it. It would be very interesting to revisit where I was at that time compared to now.


I guess my question to you is - are you happy with H home?
I know there's so much detachment even with him living at home.
You say he's like a roommate, but are either of you hoping for more?  DO you know?


MCSINME, hello! To answer your question, I think the simple answer is sure...happy enough. Mostly because it allows my son and me to remain in our home and him in his school. He was pretty upset with the thought of having to move and I was really stressed out over having to find somewhere else to live. I could never afford anything within this city on my own which would remove us from his school district. I’m also happy that he’s here as support while we’re investigating our son’s health issues, which I don’t currently see as grave but his presence (and insistence on being at the appointments) is very comforting in this respect.  At this time, I cannot imagine anything more than this between us - keeping in mind how very far we’ve come since just a few months ago when he was spewing bitterness over the settlement. I can’t speak for husband’s feelings going forward. My best guess is that he sees the need and value of keeping our home at this time for both our son’s sake and financially. His demeanour has changed and it really doesn’t come across as forced. He’s comfortable, seemingly at ease, and seems quite happy to be “home”. I don’t sense anxiety, depression, discomfort...although we are still early days. He’s started a bit with repairs around the house and brings me little snacks/take out at times when he goes out. These are glimpses of “old husband’s” ways but I don’t read too much into it. Maybe just a small way of showing his gratitude. I haven’t any romantic feelings towards him...not for a long time. Still working on trust and respect. But I am “warmed” by his interactions with our son :) So far, this works well for me.

Oh my goodness....how are you doing DCD? And your boy?

Hi Treasur! We’re doing pretty great, thank you! We had settled into our routine, comfort zone, life without husband quite well. I did ask son how he felt earlier on and he told me “I’m nervous” which was a big deal since he’s always just “fine”. He has mentioned a wish to return to just me and him at times but with his dad’s continued inclusion of him in his outings and errands, their relationship is building. Husband has had a first hand view now of our relationship and I do believe this affects him but not in a deterring sort of way - more as encouragement to build something stronger with his son. I find that I’m not caught up in husbands doings. He tries hard at being transparent with what he’s up to and my default is to expect that he’s covering something by being overly open. What I focus on is his determination to keep our home and that’s our shared goal. I’m fine with him living his life and his being here is supporting me living mine. My spidey senses really are not tingling and I do not feel deception at this time.

Xyzcf, KeepItTogether, sampsed, Nas, Kitty, trusting, Mortesbride, FamilyIsMyGoal - thank you for following and your comments. It’s been a very long time - more than half the length of our marriage and almost half the length of our son’s life. I would say he’s still mucking around somewhat in his crisis although we had an interesting little conversation where I jokingly commented that he was still going through his midlife crisis and he responded “I am NOT having a midlife crisis...anymore”. He was good humoured about it. His biggest improvements are his ability to joke more and to listen or at least show/convincingly feign interest in what I have to say. He doesn’t glaze over while I’m talking but I am mindful that he has had a low tolerance for that in the past so I listen and observe more. We are able to have full, two-sided conversations but for the most part, it’s pretty casual.

Thanks for sharing your story. Was your H ever a vanisher?

Hello heroIam - husband started out as a boomerang clinger. He then was a short-term vanisher type, in that he’d not communicate for a couple of weeks at a time (maybe more of an on and offer). When I was able to fully detach, he’d find strange reasons to contact me or reasons to pick at me. In the last few years, communication was sparse as he would make arrangements with son directly, but again, every once in awhile, he’d find an excuse. I should mention that while husband wasn’t on social media, he had access to an account through work (and likely sisters/his mom) so he would check up on stuff that way (by his own admission) and confront me about things. Just when I would think he was fully turned away, he’d pop up in some way. But months could and would go by with no direct contact.
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« Last Edit: March 12, 2018, 06:30:05 PM by DCD »
some days are yellow
some days are blue
on different days, i'm different too
you'd be surprised how many ways
i change on different-colored days.
 - dr. seuss

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Thank you for returning with an update, DCD.  I always get much out of reading updates from those that are years ahead of where I'm at.  My BD was 1/1/16. 

As an educator I am happy to hear that your S gets to remain in the school he feels comfortable in. 
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BD: 1/1/16
Together 15 years - married 7 years
His divorce final 7/26/16
Married the OW

After all, tomorrow is another day.

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"Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see" Hebrews 11:1

"You enrich my life and are a source of joy and consolation to me. But if I lose you, I will not, I must not spend the rest of my life in unhappiness."

" The truth does not change according to our ability to stomach it". Flannery O'Connor

https://www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com/chapter-contents.html

c
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Goodness mlc does take a long time, I am still around too although different circumstances mine went on to marry ow!!!!!!

I imagine it's hard to find a new normal after all those years without them, good on you for giving it a go and please continue to update, mlc is always interesting isn't it, I don't think we really believe it ourselves half the time either, but some of the things are very out of the ordinary.

Mine actually said those same words that yours did, that he had done everything for everyone else all his life and now it was time for him!!!!  Hmm and like we hadn't too!!!!

You sound in a good place yourself, take care

xx


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  • How I long for your precepts! Psalm 119:40
DCD,

I remember you - in fact our timelines are very similar - I am still here.

My h. divorced me three years ago. He is still with ow but hasn't been living with her for almost two years now. He is currently unemployed and visits our house and the kids during the week while I am at work. He likes to use our garage to fix motorcycles and potter around. He also gets a good meal, which I imagine  is a comfort to him. He will contact me sporadically to tell me about his problems with retirement (he can't get it at the moment, which is frustrating to him) or sends me political commentaries/observations and other very sundry things ;D On rare occasions I actually see him and our interaction is generally easy and affectionate.

It is good to see you back with your update - I sometimes wonder whether my h. will try to do something similar ???
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M 58
H 58
S 28
D 25
BD 13 Dec 2010
Divorced 27 Feb 2015 (30 years marriage)

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future" Jeremiah 29:11

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Hi DCD,

Thank you for your update. Glad to know your husband is back home.

I am still here. My timeline is longer, nearly 12 years since BD, and Mr J still in Replay.  ::)
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Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together. (Marilyn Monroe)

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Hi, DCD,

Me, too.... still here, my H still wherever he is.  It has been all over the place over the years, as he continues to want an external solution to an internal problem. 

Thank you for posting your update, interesting what they do, isn't it?  I'm glad your H is home, and I'm glad you are doing well.  I hope rebuilding continues, at it's own pace!

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D

DCD

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Good Morning  :)

checking in from work to journal a few things including the anxieties surrounding this new chapter.  So happy to "see old faces" and hear from new ones. 

Thank you, xyzcf, for posting the links.  I spent a bit of time reading over my threads and WOW.  So much that I had forgotten - the hurt and the triumphs...makes me really wonder what our MLCers come away with as far as memories from their time in the tunnel with their swiss cheese brains if my well-preserved (snort!) mind has let stuff slip.

stillbaffled - thank you! i am so pleased he is able to stay at this school, too.  He's come so far and accomplished so much. We were really blessed to find this program.  I try to be as cautious as I can and not getting too ahead of myself because husband has tried a return before.  I am not emotionally invested in this, as far as wanting any kind of marital reconcilliation, but still feel vulnerable because it's my son's happiness and welfare on the line.  It does all take so much time - so much damage was done and things said that can't be unsaid.  Trust is a tough one to win back. 

crazyjourney - husband actually got engaged a few years back.  yes, we're still married, but that promise was made and that ring was bought and presented and congratulated (thanks to social media, I got to find out about it...and see the ring. not to my taste, but whatever  ;) ).  all that to say, marriage schmarriage.  just a piece of paper, like ours was, and like the divorce paper is.  these things do not invalidate the crisis or end it.  it's just that much more mess to wade through when they do ultimately come around.

Hi Mitzpah ...and i remember you :)  I hope you are well!  by your description, i feel like your husband is where husband is at.  except husband really had no where else to go.  he works but hasn't the money to pay for a place to live.  we're it for him.  i find husband seems happy enough with this arrangement on the surface but he still goes out many evenings, says it's to watch the game with his friend (an older man whom he befriended a while back.  speaks of him like he's a type of mentor...but mostly, i think, it's someone to distract him). husband drinks quite a bit.  and i think that OW is around somewhat but i do believe that dynamic has greatly changed.  he's still toying around the end of that tunnel - can only hope he doesn't sprint back into it. 

hello Anjae - some of them are just so stubborn! many demons to squash down, i guess.  where does he find that kind of energy?  i look at husband and see a tired, old man.  but i also see him struggling to not come across as a tired old man.  he still dyes his hair, but somewhat jokes about it now.  he mentioned it had to do with how people at work treat him.  he's in a position where tired and old just won't do so i guess that's fair.  in the end i guess you need to do what makes you feel good about your - the key is to not explode your life and the lives of those around you!  he's out many nights a week and drinks a whole lot (his parents are functional alcoholics, always on the go), he eats a lot of crap (except when he eats dinner at home :) my food is not crap!) and when he is home, he sleeps.  i feel he's still fighting something, doesn't want to give in to whatever it is he's afraid of giving into.  it's such a long process.  i'm no longer familiar with all the stages (although he was pretty textbook right up to and including replay) so not even sure how the final ones generally play out.  where he is, i couldn't say.  but i am still seeing the replay antics, tired and worn as they may be :)

hi Trustandlove! that's the thread that binds it all together, isn't it? that elusive external solution! i think husband has a bit more of a grasp on what would help solve his internal problem, but still attached to the external stimuli he'd adopted in the hopes of finding it.  he's trying to incorporate a bit of both but struggles with keeping it balanced.  he still wants it all (hell, so do i!), not wanting to give up either.  the path of least resistance, in a way - all the perks but none of the pressure.  but to be fair, i think there's always been that element of selfishness, even before this "crisis", so i don't know that we'll ever see it go away.  they say that when it is all said and done, they emerge the person they should have been, all their lessons learned and demons faced...that would be very interesting to see  ;)

it has been almost three weeks.  the one main stipulation he had to agree to when moving back was to sign our separation agreement (with adjustments made to reflect the house not selling and him residing in it with us) and an addendum to the agreement stipulating that this is not a reconcilliation and that when the house does eventually sell (we discussed that we would stay until son is done school and then revisit at that time, leaving it pretty much open ended), the terms of our agreement would be honoured.  this has not yet happened.  it was briefly discussed (i had to bring it up because i was starting to worry as some nights, he just wasn't coming home and it smacked of events surrounding his previous return attempt).  to be clear, i don't have a problem with him staying out, i have concerns about his covert intentions - trust is a b!tch!

So! i woke up this morning with a bit of an uneasy feeling.  not my full-on tingling spidey senses, but more of a "this needs to get sorted and completed for reasons you don't need to obsess over at this time - just get it done" sort of feeling.  i texted him to let him know about son stuff and then to ask if he had time this morning to discuss our arrangement.  i'm always wary of his response to stuff like this because traditionally, it opens a floodgate of mean comments.  this time it was immediately responded to with "Yes...no problem. we can discuss things tonight.".  well ok then! baby steps!  i remember a comment on here from years ago that likened it to feeding a squirrel....gently....g e n t l y. no sudden moves, no pressure. dude's my new pet squirrel  ;D

of course, having just said that, he just now texted, putting me off until tomorrow night (forgot he had plans for tonight ), but to say he reached out to his lawyer about the amendments we had discussed, only to have it bounce back as "currently out of office".  ok so a baby step back, but still moving in the appropriate direction.

am i concerned that he's out most nights? if it was just with his buddy, no.  my concern is the OW.  he's just mean and sneaky where she's concerned.  he told me, among other things, the reason they're no longer together (and i'm not quite clear how long they've been in agreement that it's over) is that he doesn't want to have kids and she does, that she's younger than him ( :o no sh!t!), and that she's a millenial - they have nothing really to talk about or share and she's constantly on her phone texting.  but if the sex is still great, no telling how much he can be manipulated.

I think it was heartsblessings (don't know if i spelled that correctly) that said that at this time (if he is in the right spot), they can turn back into the tunnel but only go as far as the last closed door  - i really hope her door is closed.  if it turns out as i hope, as we had agreed up, the anxiety surrounding this will have been worth it.  our agreement was not a reconcilliation, but a sharing of our home and i am still 100% behind that.  he is well within his rights to live his life how he wants.  fingers crossed it won't end badly for son and for me!  take care, everyone!







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I hope things work out DCD, even if it is just for your son.
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Thank you, Kitty  :)
Me too! Take good care.
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Wow have to say I thought after that length of time your h would of been more cooked.

It would appear that the length of time doesn't really matter and they still start to exit still with mixed actions.

Thankfully your not after romance and only sopport for your son at this point in time, although worrying about the chance of been let down with that must be tough too.

I hope you get the legal stuff sorted soon and that will let you relax and not have to wonder if he will sign what needs signed.

I imagine if ow is still in the background she will be trying to hang on and probably a lot of blackmail going on for him, so he could be fighting a lot in his mind.

What on earth takes hold of their minds is a mystery!!!

Good luck with him, fingers crossed he doesn't relapse xx
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Slàinte Mhath, everyone - may your troubles be less and your blessings be more. May nothing but happiness come through your door.

The sloooow change of season will bring renewal and rebirth. I hope, with this, everyone finds their peace and comfort, whatever that may be  :)

Good morning, crazyjourney- thank you for your thoughts and kind wishes. We did have our talk Thursday night. I had made a nice dinner and after settling down a bit, he suggested we sit at the table and go over the draft separation agreement. We went over everything line by line and found we were in agreement about how to deal with it all. He expanded on his initial objections over how things were worded and, for the most part, these things were now moot due to our new arrangement. The remaining issues were discussed and clarified and we easily came to an agreement. This will be forwarded to our lawyers Monday and hopefully finalized by end of month...we both had a chuckle over that because as! if! Hahhaa! Lawyers work on their own time line.

What was interesting was how this triggered memories of the day of our mediation in December 2016. We had not seen each other in quite a while and whatever interaction we did have was volatile and cold. Our mediation took place in the mediator’s offices. A stunning centuries-old building with separate rooms for break away and a common conference room for the initial group session. My break away room was small but just beautiful with old mouldings and fireplace, perfect for the stormy day that was. Considering what we paid hourly for the service, massages and pedicures should have been offered, but whatever. In our group session, we found husband to be surly and uncomfortable in his suit (the rest of us dressed comfortably for the day ahead) and he remained seated when my lawyer and I entered and made our introductions. My lawyer basically called him out on that and he finally acknowledged us. If looks could kill, though... The day went very well for me, but not so much for him. They provided a lovely lunch in the break room and that’s where I found husband with a member of his “team” going through the sandwiches. The first words he had directed at me in months was “did you see these sandwiches?? What are we supposed to eat??” So I helped him select a sandwich “here’s smoked salmon - you love smoked salmon. Or you can have my egg salad. How about some of this salad with that? Look! They have buttertarts!” He made all sorts of agreeable noises and once we got his lunch all sorted, he took it back to his break away room. The entire time this was going on, his team member stood in the corner watching us like :o . I smiled at him “have a GREAT afternoon!” And went back to mine.

After we worked out our plan for the agreement and living arrangements, he wanted to be clear about what’s going on between him and ow - He still sees her, in that she happens to be at the pub where he goes with his friends to see the game. He’s been with her one on one but informed me that this is with her fully knowing that he’s not interested in a relationship with her. He has no problems seeing her and hanging out (of course not  ;D) but his mind won’t change and he won’t ever believe it when she says her mind about having children has. “She’ll be back at pushing me to have kids in a month, a year, or two! I told her to go find her family, go live the life she wants. It’s not with me!” He went on to say that she’s all drama all the time and he’s not. He’s reached a point where he’s comfortable with the quiet and more content being relaxed. He did say “what really busts her b@lls is that I’m now living HERE”. No kidding! As long as she keeps her drama and broken b@lls far away from me and my boy, I can totally live with that. He then ended by saying that in the last week, she’s contacted him much less. And I note he’s returned home at a reasonable hour every night since. Of course, it’s now st patty’s and Monday is his birthday.... I “expect”  ::) he’ll be out and about enjoying that, as he should. Son has an appointment right after his dad’s birthday which we’re attending so I’ll make sure there’s something in place for them to celebrate with  :)  take care, everyone!
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It’s been four weeks since roomie has moved into the home. It’s been casual and pleasant. We’ve attended son’s appointments together (got some pretty good news the last appt so quite pleased - still awaiting a few results but this was a much needed boost :) ) and shared some dinners and interactions. We navigated an issue with the house quite well, working together and found the humor in it. All in all, so far so good.

I contacted my lawyer this week with the changes to our separation agreement and she’s now working on the revisions. I anticipate hearing from her soon with a final draft which will include “this is not a reconciliation”. I let him know that I had done this and told him once this is signed, we won’t have to think about it again until our agreed upon time to revisit the situation a year from now. He agreed.

His work schedule is such that he works on a rotation of days, evenings, and overnights with blocks of time off in between, so there are periods of time where I don’t see him and then periods where that is a possibility. During these bits, he seems to split his time between taking our son out (routinely), hanging out at the house (sometimes) and going out (often). He’s texting a bit, when he’s out with son to share stuff they’re up to, to let me know he’s picked up something for my lunch, sometimes to inform me that he won’t be home for supper. Our lives are pretty much separate, otherwise. I still don’t initiate contact...can’t think of any reason to need to.

It is as I had expected but I find I get confused at times and have to remind myself where he is on his journey in life and why I signed up for this in the first place. For instance, I know he’s still seeing his girlfriend. He doesn’t say anything about it (guilt, shame, “out of respect”  ::) )but while he’s pretty quick to mention when he’s heading out with his buddies, he sort of slips out/doesn’t come home late at night after work, and makes a jokey comment about being alive when he does make his walk of shame entrance again. It’s not that this overly bothers me - ok, it does in that it makes me a bit (really only a tiny bit) nervous about his commitment to our agreement, but then his ACTIONS are very much in line with what he’s committed to. But then I wonder why he continues to see her ( ::) I know...DUH!!), if he’s so concerned that she’ll get the idea that he’ll change his mind. And then I think about how many times he came around in the early days after bomb drop and how that wasn’t in any way a clean-cut, done deal back then, either. AND FINALLY, I feel dumb that I’ve spent any time wondering/stressing about these two.

I guess for someone who can’t handle being alone, it’s quite difficult to cut the cord. I am also reminded of the first time he came home when half-jokingly asked me to tell her to go away. I feel like he is pretty firm in his decision but, for whatever reason, won’t be the one to fully walk away. She’ll have to make the effort, cut off all contact, to end it. He’s just not strong enough to do that on his own. As for me, I’ll just continue to focus on the big picture and continue to build a stable future for me and my son.
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You are such a steong inspiration. Thank you
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10.29.17 BD-Moved out to OW/A began in  6.17
3.5.18 OW moved away/H moved in with F
3.19.18  H moved home into spare room 
7.14.18  Moved to be with OW (another state)
9.4.18  Moved back-Living with Parents 
11.1.18  OW moved back.  H living w/her in D's basement room. 
11.18 - H started visiting on holidays
11.26.19 Call from H.  BIL died suddenly.
1.19 - H announced to my inner circle that he moved to sisters  inc all belongings
2.19  H volunteers to house and dog sit whenever.
Spring 19  H visiting house and doing chores on a regular basis
7.20 OW2 Confirmed  5 hours away  Monthy visits  Was hiding her!

4.83 Started Dating
8.10.85  Married

D -29 Married with 2 children 
S - 27 Engaged in Prof School
3 Dogs (he left them all behind

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DCD,

You are an inspiration!!

I am currently in touch with h. about his dog who is with me and is hurt - I just sent a message to him that the vet would only be able to come on Monday and he just told me to not worry, he would be here... we have communicated quite a bit over this weekend - according to the kids, he intends to work here during the week out of our garage! My maid told me he is almost home... (I actually think this is wishful thinking on her part - she has known us over thirty years, her family has known my h. over fifty years!!!). This maid of mine had her h. do the same thing, so maybe she knows a thing or two, although she is semi-illiterate. Her h. came back after six or seven years... he was at rock bottom

I really appreciate your coming here
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"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future" Jeremiah 29:11

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Samsed, Mitzpah - thank you for your kind words  :)

Samsed - I read through your most recent thread today while waiting for my car at the service station...wow! It’s a tough road to navigate and I think you’re doing so well. I hope you remember through this that it’s not on you to tread carefully, to walk on eggshells, or to go out of your way to accommodate him. There really isn’t much you can do to mess things up if you remain true to you - he will do what he does regardless, so don’t live in that fear - it’s not on you :) There are many mlcers who stay in the home and in the marriage throughout their crisis...it has its own hurdles and pitfalls, being in your face on a daily basis - their vortex of crazy is right there in your living room! Make your plans, go on vacation, visit family and friends, watch your t.v. and laugh out loud, and leave him to it. He will be watching and questioning how you are managing while his own life spins off center, but that’s on him to muddle through. If anything, you’ll be a great example of how you can still find happiness within even when there’s a storm raging all around. Wishing you much comfort :)

Mitzpah! It’s insane how long this takes and how long they must wrestle with their demons...and incredible how common it seems to be. It’s not even just the length of time, but the timing of their passing into the final stages...and the environment they exit into. So many things seemingly need to align for a successful exit and return. I haven’t any special insight, but I believe my gut. I knew that my husband wouldn’t ever wander too far and, I swear to all that is good and kind and decent, i believe your maid to be right - I do believe your husband will return to you, too. There’s a reason your husband has never drifted too far, either, beyond your children (even though I’m sure it has felt that way). You are a true example of that lighthouse we’ve all heard so much about over the years, standing by quietly loving and respecting your husband through it all - this would not have gone unnoticed nor unappreciated. Their struggle is real! It just all takes so much time, which I believe is a big reason why there aren’t more reconciliation stories. Also, the damage is real and true forgiveness is hard...but you do it all with such grace. I wish you all the peace you deserve and I’m looking forward to more real movement in your story :)
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This past weekend marks 7 weeks since husband has returned.  I would have to say he spends half the time here and half the time elsewhere (girlfriend/friend's place), taking into account his mixed bag of hours at work (different shifts week to week).  In general, he's home more often than not - we just don't always see him.  Speaking of home, he now refers to our house as "home" whereas before, it was always "the house".  We've been getting along very well, all things considered, with neither of us seemingly walking around on eggshells. We've been attending our son's multiple doctor appointments together as a family and are happy to see things going well for son. A few things still to investigate but I've managed to scrape myself off the ceiling and worked my way back down to calm,  and we are very optimistic that he's doing well.  The general mood around "the house" is peaceful and comfortable.

In the past couple of weeks, husband has hauled out his crock pot and made two delicious meals for us, as well as some lunches for the week.  He joins us for supper and still takes son out "to the bar to watch the game".  He's chosen to stay home a bit more in the evenings instead of joining his friend at the pub close to where his girlfriend lives but he also still does not come home a few nights a week without sharing this information.  I don't react (not my business) and always greet him kindly and warmly when we do see him again -  and I think my general demeanor in all this has helped our own relationship build.  It's a strange little dance that i never would have believed we'd be doing but no toes have been stomped on and we seem to have found a good rhythm. 

Still waiting on the lawyers to work out the agreement and we do talk about that openly and comfortably.  He came home last week with a little pack of hard cider that i really like that's so hard to find in our area and he was so pleased that he was able to do that.  so was i! He enjoys it when i sit and have a drink with him as it wasn't really something we did much together before (his choice, not mine). I find he still drinks a lot and he mentioned his most recent blood pressure reading - something he really needs to have checked as it is in a dangerous zone.  I urged him to do that and then left it alone. 

When we speak of the future in the sense that we'll still be in the home together, the timeline has been stretching out a bit more and more.  Solid plans made for months ahead instead of being up in the air about a few weeks ahead.  His response to my talking about making plans for myself and wondering about son's care is now usually "shouldn't be a problem - i'm here!" I know at some point down the road there will be a need to decide on things, but in the meantime, I'm finding a peace and comfort that I haven't really known in quite a while. 
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i found me! i must have passed right on by my thread half a dozen times - i'm sure there's an easier way to do that...
anyway, this past weekend marks 10 weeks since husband has moved back in.  It is still pleasant enough, although i've had to deal with issues within myself.  Mostly having to do with the relationship between him and our son in that i had expectations that he'd actually spend more of his free time with him but it seems that son still isn't the priority (i guess i feel) he should be.  I bring this up, while it's really not a huge deal since son seems to be just fine with it, only because I think it shows that husband still is mucking around in the mud puddle that is his crisis.  I try to remember back to the character of my husband before all this and while i do believe he was a good, kind, decent guy, he did have some of the traits that have been amplified throughout his crisis.  The biggest being his self absorption.  his own sister really brought that to light earlier on when she said "you know, he's always been pretty self absorbed but THIS is ridiculous!"  You got that right!

Another big indicator of where he is, is the fact that his girlfriend is still in the picture.  and while it is true that their dynamic has changed somewhat, he continues with the little lies/omissions, i think because he knows deep down it's all so silly and, well, let's just call it what it is: douchy - could also be that now he's home, his sneaking around adds a bit of the drama that an over 8-year relationship has been lacking of late.  He was out with son for several hours one night over the weekend and they came home pretty late.  He paced around and disappeared upstairs and waited until son was asleep before announcing that he'll be back "in a bit".  I somewhat mocked his "in a bit" comment and he responded "have to deal with some bull$h!te".  Right! He was back two days later  ::)  He defends what he is doing by prefacing it with the fact that he's told her how he feels about having kids, in that he refuses, "...and there are other issues, too" (in previous conversations, he's said that she's young and a millenial...like i should know what all that entails), but he is leaving the heavy lifting and dirty work up to her.  He won't make a clean break (other than moving the bulk of his stuff out, except for a big screen tv because she'd have no tv - and he wouldn't be able to keep up with sports while he's there).  He is leaving it up to her to end the relationship.  She won't, or at least hasn't, up to this point, but I think she might have pulled back somewhat because as of our last conversation (initiated by him...always by him), he mentioned that he told her that for now, and the next year to few years, he intends to remain in our home for our son to continue with school and that our son is his priority - but if she's still around when that is over and done with, well.... so there it is.  He's yanking her chain, making sure she's still attached to the end of it. He did state that she has mentioned changing her mind about kids, but he also states that he doesn't believe that.  I usually don't comment much but at this point, did ask what would happen if she got pregnant.  He got antsy and basically made a snipping gesture in the groin area "if i think she's getting any ideas! but she wouldn't..." uh huh!  I told him i felt like he was backing away from our arrangement because he started saying how dating would be difficult with an ex back home "what if you want to get serious with someone or what if i met someone? you can't bring them back here!".  He said that he is committed to keeping son in the house for as long as possible but he's still very selfish, has a history of putting himself before his own son, and is a proven liar, so what am i supposed to think?  For my part, going back to the "what if we meet someone..?" comment, I told him in no uncertain terms that i would never put myself in a position where i am financially or legally bound to another person "thanks to all this!", waving my arms around between the two of us, and that i would never bring anybody into our son's home.  I have no problems dating but anything more serious would only be with someone who was like minded, to which husband nodded and agreed...so to be honest, i couldn't tell if he was fishing for information.  Not that i really think he's considering the possibility of a reconciliation but i do know that he will never pull the plug on what he has with his girlfriend until there is a sure thing waiting for him when he finally does. And so it continues...

As far as tunnels, it would appear that the light at the end of the separation agreement tunnel is shining a bit brighter in that we (me and my lawyer) have a draft agreement hammered out and finally sent off (after many emails, an average of two for every step - one to propose, one to confirm...at like $70/email   >:( ) to opposing counsel (after having sent two emails to verify that this opposing counsel is husband's counsel - gah!) and now we wait for husband and his counsel to send emails back and forth about this, and then back to us, before coming to an agreement and signing.  Husband and i did sit down and make the edits to the previous draft, but my lawyer had issues with how the lump sum payout would go do, and rightfully so, and made the changes.  I actually did discuss with husband and he seemed to understand but his lawyer might have something to add (as they do).  I'm still hopeful that we'll have an agreement by month's end.  I feel like this will alleviate some of my worry and anxiety.  Whatever happens, that aspect is solid and secure. 

Of course, having said all that, things are still pretty good, comfortable for the most part, and despite the aforementioned, i'm in a better place. We still share some meals and drinks.  We watched a great movie he had downloaded over the weekend and both enjoyed that very much.  I bought a bunch of plants for the front garden and can barely hardly wait to get it all into the ground.  He shared his plans for the back and we discussed the things we need to do around the house.  When he first moved in, he was all gung ho at getting the house "sale ready" but nothing has really progressed.  Interestingly, the one person who really seems to not want to sell (me) has been the one shopping for the bits needed.  He talks about it, at times, but doesn't follow through (upstairs bathroom supplies have migrated down the hall and into the front room, out of the way).  I did tell him just yesterday, after sharing an idea i had for the garden and him responding with "whatever looks good to sell the house", that i KNOW it has to happen and it is coming but still not for a long time and it's anxiety provoking when he continues to throw that out there - so please stop!!  He replied "i think it'll look good!" full stop, happy face.  We're much better with the compromising, we work better together when things need to get done, and we're much more respectful to each other in general.  He's come a longer way in that respect than i have because he's had farther to travel ;D 
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Well it wouldn't surprise me if ow is feeling him pulling away and is playing all her best blackmail cards, perhaps before long she will be on her way out.                       

I do hope so, such a nuisance.

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Hi CJ  :)
wouldn't that be sweet?? she is a big distraction, to say the least.
as far as blackmail goes, i'm sure you're right.  he keeps (sounds like we talk a lot about her/his situation but i think we've only discussed it three times) mentioning that she throws "it's been 9 years and you can't pull the trigger...?" in his face, along with "you've wasted all my time", "you look like/you make me look like an idiot for going back to live with your ex after everything".  valid points, and yet she still hangs on.  they're at a complete stand off, with neither being the one to end it. and really, why should he? he gets the girlfriend and no longer has to give her any money. he has a place to stay near the bar where he likes to go with his friends. and while he looks like a d!ck to her and her friends, others see him as this great guy who put his kid first above even his own happiness (looks, of course, can be very deceiving). he did state that after all that time, it's just easier and you come to depend on that person being there (read: rut). they both likely know that it won't be easy to find someone else to latch onto and that's what it comes down to: neither have the strength (or maybe even the love of oneself) to just be alone. the devil you know and all.  but really, i only know what he tells me (she has issues, apparently) and she's only privy to what he tells her.  she absolutely hates me (we've never met) so i imagine it wasn't anything too nice, which likely adds to her anger over his return because for years, she'd convinced herself that she "won".  HA!! what a prize!!
he mentioned last night that his lawyer emailed him that she had received the documents from my lawyer.  they will be having a phone meeting to discuss - fingers crossed!!  i'm planning a bit of a "end of chapter - turn the page" party to be hopefully held on a beautiful early summer evening :)
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Hi DCD,

I just went through this thread.

It is amazing how long this takes, isn't it.  Who ever would have believed it so many years ago.
My bd was January of 2011.  We divorced in 2013 (If I remember right) but not much really changed.

We never really stopped seeing each other and neither of us had an alienator.
I moved out after the D and still live in my place, H kept the house.
We have been rebuilding our relationship for about 2/3 years now and things are good.

I wish that ow of your H's would disappear.  She is wasting so much of her young years, but guess that's her problem.
She may just one day give up and decide it's not worth being with a man who lives at home with his wife.  How embarrassing for her.   ;D

Hope things keep getting better and better for you and your s.  Stay strong...and get that thing signed.   ;)
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A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

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Hello Thunder,

It really is incredible how long it takes.  Although, i'm pretty sure the OW feels the passing of time much deeper than I have  ;D  I snicker but it really isn't that funny at all.  She was in her mid 20s when this all started and is coming up hard and fast into her mid 30s.  So much time wasted when she could have very well been married with children instead of dating a middle-aged man who has decided to move back in with his wife.  And then having to explain to people why you're no longer engaged, or living together, but still seeing each other...occasionally. 

It really is wonderful that you and your husband are working at rebuilding your life together, and also a blessing that there wasn't another person involved - that adds a whole other level of issues to overcome and work through. Seven years is a long time - were there obvious replay antics or was he pretty subdued during this time?  I will find your thread.  I really enjoy happy endings :)

and YES! keeping EVERYTHING crossed.  He mentioned last night that his lawyer's assistant has been emailing up a storm to set up a phone meeting for today. The way he described that sounded a bit frantic to me so i'm hoping that his lawyer isn't set on pulling the agreement apart.  It's nothing he basically hasn't already agreed to. But then, i guess, how would she make any money if she just let it slide on through? Hopefully with the grief that OW continues to give him, he'll be motivated to make a meaningful gesture and get that baby signed and filed! "That should stop the screaming" (direct quote from years ago when he presented me with a stupid offer in the hopes she'd finally stuff a sock in it).  ;)

Have a great day and take good care :)

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DCD thank you, no he was a Wallower so not much replay at all.  He tried to kick up his heels for a few months but then he crashed.

I hope the lawyer is not trying to change things.  If you both agreed it would be pretty silly to try to talk him out of it.
Let us know how it goes.   

Wow the silly ow.  She will most likely end up resenting him for wasting a lot of good years.
But, her choice.   :)
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A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

D

DCD

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it's been a few months but seems like much longer since i last visited.  i lost my very best friend and softest place to land exactly one month ago today - my Mom.  it was sudden and unexpected and out of everything i've gone through, the most painful thing i've had to bear.  my Dad has been very ill for quite some time so no one saw this coming...although on hindsight, my Mom might have.  i miss her so much and i'm often struck by how easily life seems to go on as though the most devastating thing hasn't happened.  of course, everyone lives through loss.  this one is the harshest.

i'm updating because of how these past several weeks seem to have changed the dynamic of my relationship with husband.  i'm almost hesitant to talk about it because it's still early days and because things change so quickly without any warning, don't they? 

i received a call from my sister a month and a half ago.  she was distraught because she brought my Mom to the emergency department where they performed so many tests and, in the end, diagnosed her with cancer.  incurable but because of advances, maintainable for a much longer period of time.  my Mom was going to fight it with everything she had so i hopped in the car with my son and drive in the middle of the night to our hometown.  i wasn't going to let her go through any of this without me right there with her.  i'm so very very glad i did because the time i had to share with her, listen to her will stay with me always.  i messaged husband and let him know i had gone (he was with ow).  i didn't get his response until two hours later when i stopped for gas but he let me know that he was coming home, then that he was home, and finally to please message him when i arrived.  i guess it's important to say that he loves my parents still like his own so he was very concerned that now both of them are not well. 

over the next two weeks, he would text to check in and see how things were - and things looked quite promising, until they weren't.  my mom passed suddenly in hospital, not from the cancer but other complications that had been masked for too long.  it was in the middle of the night and i was with her, as i spent every night in hospital with her.  i called him the next morning to let him know as i didn't want him to find out through our son.  i had no idea at the time, but he later shared that he was completely devastated by the news that came right in the middle of an important training course for his promotion at work.  his superiors sent him home, asking that he return the following day, assisted him through the rest of the course (greatly shortened) and put him on leave.  two days later he was in our hometown at my parents house, holding hands with my Dad.  i can't begin to describe the absolute comfort i felt when he walked through the door.  we had just come back from the funeral home - he tried to get there in time but couldn't see my car so came to the house.  it was family only, as my mom wanted, and we were preparing her favourite foods for supper.  he stayed the entire evening and kept commenting on how he felt so incredibly accepted and like nothing had changed, except, sadly, the obvious.  when we toasted my mom, he said the most beautiful, thoughtful (all true!) things about his mother in law. at the end of the evening, he packed a little bag for our son to take him back to his parents' place, who are away for the summer, for a couple of days and asked if i would come, too.  just the three of us in the country where i could decompress.  i didn't want to leave my dad and he understood.  he returned with son a few days later and again, spent a few hours with us until he had to head back home for work.  after that, he texted regularly, complimented me on my strength, told me how happy he was for my dad that i was there with him, generally stuff to keep my spirits up - at one point promising me a back and foot massage because i really deserved it. 

when i finally did return home, i got the biggest hug - and that massage.  he told me that he had to go back to hometown to check on his parents' house on his days off and again asked me to come with him.  this time i did. we spent three days almost entirely outside, in the hot tub, eating and just talking about any and everything.  since we returned home, he's home every night (more on the reason for that in a bit), eats dinner with us most nights (still sees his older mentor friend for the odd meal/drink) and has been increasingly affectionate.  i still see behaviours, almost child like, but i don't judge...not anymore.  life is to short and precious for that.  he does still show many signs of self absorption but sometimes will catch himself talking over me or interrupting. no talk anymore of working on the house to sell but rather doing things around the house to increase our enjoyment of it.  i'm getting a daily hugs from behind and once in awhile he works up to a full frontal hug. 

as for why husband is home every night and possibly why he's much more affectionate, he told me that ow has bought a house with a man, separated with three kids and he receives support from his wife, and ow is pregnant.  i asked husband how he felt about it and he told me that he and mentor friend toasted the news and that he feels like he dodged a real bullet.  i think it was a blow to his ego that this all happened so quickly - nobody likes thinking they're so easily replaceable - she's getting everything she wanted and since it wasn't from him, she found another (they had met about a year ago - husband apparently was aware of this).

as far as how i feel about all this, i'm comfortable with how things are at the moment.  i'm also on guard as to how that can easily change/what could be his motivation behind him moving closer to me and son.  in the end, if this means keeping our home for the longer term, then i'm game! while there are more things we do together, we don't "date".  he still pays support and we maintain our separate sleeping arrangements although have shared some intimacies.  we just generally get along better and it seems less and less forced. and he got his promotion so is now sharing his anxieties about his new responsibilities and the details of his day.  if we had just met, i would say it's the first steps in a possible courtship, with neither of us really quite knowing yet how far it will go.  time will tell. 
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Sorry to hear about your mother. Glad that you were able to spend time with her. Having recently lost my sister and my father in quick succession, I know how important it is to have this time with them.

Lovely to hear of the support that your h. has been giving you. When my father died, my h. was also very supportive and present at that difficult time.

I like the news on the ow... I agree with your h.'s mentor - I guess he really dodged a bullet!


as far as how i feel about all this, i'm comfortable with how things are at the moment.  i'm also on guard as to how that can easily change/what could be his motivation behind him moving closer to me and son.  in the end, if this means keeping our home for the longer term, then i'm game! while there are more things we do together, we don't "date".  he still pays support and we maintain our separate sleeping arrangements although have shared some intimacies.  we just generally get along better and it seems less and less forced. and he got his promotion so is now sharing his anxieties about his new responsibilities and the details of his day.  if we had just met, i would say it's the first steps in a possible courtship, with neither of us really quite knowing yet how far it will go.  time will tell. 

Wise words
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M 58
H 58
S 28
D 25
BD 13 Dec 2010
Divorced 27 Feb 2015 (30 years marriage)

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future" Jeremiah 29:11

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So sorry about your mom. I lost my mom 18 years ago and yes, definitely the most pain I’ve ever felt up until that point. Hugs and prayers to you.

I’m hoping this was the awakening your H needed to get him through. It does sound promising. But more importantly, you sound like you are better able to handle any situation life throws at you.
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Just catching up. Sorry about your mom.  :(

How strange and unexpected things suddenly seem to have turned around in just a month.

MLC is funny that way.
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DCD

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Mitzpah, KeepItTogether, and Mortesbride - thank you for your kind words and thoughts.  It's been two months yesterday since i lost my Mom.  it's still quite surreal to me and often it comes at me like a tidal wave when i'm not expecting it.  I just miss her so much  :( but i feel her with me, i really do. 

i'm going to journal now - with the realization that when i sometimes share what i think are positives about husband, it seems the fates step in and jostle things around a bit.  that happened, in a way, last night, but the outcome, i think, was another positive.

husband is still home and we're still seemingly moving along in a good direction.  i don't know what the outcome will be - as i said, i hate commenting on that because then i feel i've jinxed things - but if it's gonna be, well it's gonna be  ;)
money has always been very important to him.  during our separation, he was twisted in knots over having to pay me anything and often called me a free loader, taking advantage of him, screwing him over, etc etc...and over the past several months, especially the past two, i felt like he had made his peace with everything, the court's ruling on support and so on.  yesterday evening he let me know that he had added a package to our cable tv (i pay a really very stupid amount for that bundle already) so i had made a comment about how we need to get together to discuss the bills, as he had promised me we would. I felt a bit triggered here because before he left the first time, i had wanted to sort out the finances and he kept putting me off and because of this, i *might* have overreacted/misinterpreted what he said next.  He *sarcastically* questioned (or did he??) if the money (support) he was giving me wasn't enough? and then said "oh RIGHT! part of that is SPOUSAL SUPPORT" (i may have exaggerated that tone in my head - or not).  well then i responded with "you don't have to pay me that part of it now, you know" as our agreement was a lump sum when the house sells. and he responded "well get it now or get it later, what's the difference?" well that pi$$ed me off! i reminded him that he gets paid a hell of a lot more than me (not his fault, i know) that he just got a promotion, "that doesn't count now, though" was his response...and i guess that's true, but he is living with us and eating our food.  The money he was providing as child support switched over to household stuff when he moved in but inflation (lots in a short amount of time, it seems) wasn't accounted for and i pay more now for stuff than when he moved in.  the point being, i felt brushed off and petty for asking him to discuss this at all.  so i flounced off to bed in a huff - he called to me not to, to stay and talk, but i flounced away.  then felt angry and stupid because i felt like i fell for his tricks again.  he sucked me in to believing that we had come to common ground but really i folded and he is still just floating through life with no real family responsibilities.  so then i flounced right back downstairs and demanded we finish this conversation.  and we did....and then i felt silly. i had tears running down my face and i kept stating "i'm not crying!!!" and he kept responding softly "i know...i get it"  i stood my ground on certain things he said and listened to what he had to add.  in the end he apologized for coming across as an a$$hole and then added that over the past several months, he has come to really enjoy spending time with me - looked forward to it.  he came over to me and hugged me and repeated it, then gave examples of the things we do together that he likes. he said he hasn't really enjoyed himself like that in a long time and he was so happy that we get along the way we now do.  he wants to talk about our finances because he doesn't want anything to mess up what we have.  of course, i'm a bit wary because of all the hurt and manipulation i've gone through in the past thanks to him. i think what impressed me was that we were able to present our sides, we were able to see each others' sides and we ended our day the way we started it, pleasant, comfortable and happy to be in each others' company. long may that continue *everything crossed*

one thing i did want to note was something he has recently called me....twice.  it was something i had heard his dad call his mom years ago when we were still together and i thought it was pretty sweet at that time.  it's not something i ever imagined to hear out of husband's mouth and i've never really heard it used from anyone else.  generally he would use the term 'babe" or "baby" (not to me for a very long time) and i know he called ow "babe" thanks to misdirected texts   >:(   he called me m'lady in a very endearing way.  no sarcasm or even overly joking, just pleasantly.  i really don't know what to make of that.  i answered sweetly but when he turned his back, i was all 'OMIGOD!!!'  what do i make of that? i guess i'll just need to stay tuned. 
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DCD,

It's so nice to read a positive post.  Things certainly are going in the right direction, I pray they just keep getter better and better.   :)

It saddened me to hear about your mother.  My mom and I were very close too so I understand how devistating that had to be for you.  {{Big Warm Hug}}

My mom was 82 but in perfect health, she had some stomach problems and she died pretty suddenly.
We were at the airport to go see her when we got the news.
I'm glad you got to spent time with her. 

I still feel my mom is with me.   :)

Anyway, hope things keep going well or you two.
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A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

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 First sorry for your loss my condolence to you and your family.

As a newbie here, I appreciate your update and details.  As many of us are Wishing for our W or H to snap out of it.

There's days I ask myself can I ever move on with W after all the hurt W caused our kids and me. I know some of us wish to be in your shoes but also know it's gotta be that hardest fight trying to forgive H. I give you lots of credit especially after almost 8yrs wow but it also shows love does conquer all especially our love for our kids.

Thank you again your an inspiration to many of us who just started this process.  I admire you
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Lesbian marriage
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S9,D9,S8 adopted all three
Together almost 10yrs
Bomb Drop - April 2017
W movedout - May,2017
OW  May orJune,2017 maybe even longer
Currently 2018
Me40, W38
S10,D10,S9
____________________________________________________
A  DAY AT  A TIME,  WITH GOD ANYTHING IS POSSIBLE

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DCD

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Hello - Thank you you Thunder and Jay78 for your kind words.  Jay, it really did come down to what was best for my son, in my case.  The rest of it, for the time being, "is what it is" (i used to really dislike that saying but it really does sum most things up nicely). Honestly, right up until this last request to move back home, i was DONE! all in caps! his first request came a full year earlier, at which time i had written out my response to his request.  I never did give it to him partly because he didn't bring it back up (and i had assumed he mended things with his girlfriend and was carrying on as before), and mostly because it wouldn't have ever achieved the result i wanted - which was to wake him up to his ridiculous ways and shake him into being the dad my son needed.  I actually came across the letter again about a week or so ago as i was cleaning out the files on my computer.  My answer to his request to move home in February 2017:

I understand you’re frustrated with my lack of response to your request.  I have been thinking about it a great deal, spoke with people about it, and in the end it comes down to quality of life and maintenance of health.  The bitterness and vindictiveness, the meanness and complete lack of respect along with the really unnecessary need to bully is more than I care to take on in my life.  You are unpleasant and refuse to make the effort to just get along (no…you really don’t).  You are so stuck and bitter, and yes, I’m aware you make me completely responsible for the mess you’ve made of your life because you can’t even stand to look yourself in the mirror and do the work you need to turn your $h!te around.  You make ridiculous claims and pick on me for the stupidest things.  I’ve been told numerous times that it’s how people in your situation deal with their crap: project it onto others as it being their problem, blame others for the stupid choices they make, and really anything they can think of to take other people down so they can feel better about themselves and their dysfunctional lives. Seven years later and you haven’t learned a thing.  You are about to do the same thing to someone else.  Unhappy because of your own expectations and lack of ability or willingness to find happiness within – expecting that someone else will provide that for you.  Instead of trying to work through it with your partner like an adult i.e. counselling or even just having that conversation with her, you hatch a plan whereby you first try to secure a place to run away to, avoid any real and meaningful interactions with her but have no problem with outright lying to her, tell her that you weren’t able to answer her calls/texts because you left your phone in the desk at work, go out most free nights of the week to play hockey or hang out with a “friend”, and work at making her feel like she’s a complete pain in the ass and totally annoying.  Dump and run instead of stay and fix.  You must get a real kick out of starting over. 

Of course, you’ll have your own list of reasons why I’m so evil you feel the need (without a second thought) to continue to sh!t on me and treat me so disrespectfully. Which is why you understand and can’t disagree when I say that I don’t want to live with you and I don’t see any way that it could work out for any of us.  I know money is everything to you, even more important than people and family – it’s what motivates you and drives you - but there comes a time when quality of life trumps all.  As there are only nine months left until the forced sale of the home, it’s best that everything remain as is.  It has taken a great deal of time and effort for SON and me to get to the point where we are content and comfortable with our new family life.  You’ll likely dismiss that as sounding stupid or whatever, as you usually do, but that’s the truth of it.  You had a real chance to make a huge difference in SON’s life and you couldn’t be bothered.  You are truly the most self-absorbed person I’ve ever known…stunning, really, how you continue to put yourself before the growth and progress of your child – that’s what you’ve done.  Your loss in the end and yet another part of your life that you’ve imploded because you refuse to look past your own selfishness.   He’s an amazing kid with so much potential but you can’t even stop picking at him long enough to enjoy what a funny, intelligent, kind, and truly charming young man he’s become.  Many many missed opportunities that will never come along again – you ignored every one of them.  All the activities he could have used his big strong dad to help guide him through – but dad had more important things and people to do.  Your claim that Wm will benefit from having you there to “discipline” him (he doesn’t need discipline, he needs guidance and a dad he can laugh with and learn from and feel supported by – he has none of this in his dad) doesn’t hold water, based on your past and current actions.  You can say you’re this ‘good’ guy (and you frequently do), but your actions and lack of action scream a whole lot more about the person you’ve become …or always was…hard to tell anymore.

This has been a whole lot of chatter, and I know when I say more than a sentence, you glaze over and get this “oh great, here we go blah blah blah…yeah yeah, whatever…god stop talking” look so I’ll end here with this:

No, I do not agree with having you live with us, not even in the short term. 


Obviously much too long and convoluted - even us normal folk would have a time trying to follow along.  What it was, in the end, was therapeutic.  A soundless vent that still did the trick.  It helped me bring the focus back around to where it should be, my son and me. 

As far as forgiveness goes....well, i know people say that you must forgive in order to move ahead or on or whatever.  I agree with the words, but disagree when the sentiment.  you (*I*) must forgive YOURSELF (*myself*) for the part you (*I*) played, period.  And i have.  And it has allowed me to let go, rebuild, move forward.  I don't see the need, otherwise. You can go ahead and forgive, if you like or need, but until they forgive themselves, it's powerless.  I'm still in a position of rebuilding trust and respect for my husband - i use that term only because we haven't yet divorced and it's shorter than "the father of my son".  I don't see him as my husband.  Right at this moment, i see him as someone I've met earlier this year, who i'm getting to know.  He has many good qualities and a few difficult ones.  oh, and someone i share parenting duties with...he's working on that ;)  We've gone to dinner a few times as a "family" and had a wonderful time.  We generally eat at home "as a family" and have movie nights.  When we go out, it's separately.  however, just this past weekend he went to watch a sporting event at the local bar, as he does and which i'm totally ok with.  Even though this bar is the one where he met his long-term girlfriend - the one he used to always go to "alone" because it's just for a beer and to watch the game.... I dropped him off so he could drink and told him if it was early enough, i'm happy to pick him up.  my reasoning is simple: his paycheque is still my paycheque and if he gets pulled over for drinking and driving, it directly affects me and mine.  not that long after i got home from shopping after dropping him off, i got a text.  "wanna come watch the event with me? i'm saving you a seat beside me at the bar!" This is the first time ever in our relationship that he's invited to come hang out with him at the bar...or anywhere, for that matter.  if it was a group thing with friends, then yes.  But just to go have a drink at a bar together and enjoy each others' company....can't remember that ever happening, truth be told.  so i went! and it was SO! MUCH! FUN!  he was already feeling pretty good so was funny and affectionate and shared that he was so happy i agreed to come.  repeated that several times and then again when we got home.  the weekend before, we attended a cooking class together which was a huge gamble for me to even ask him...he initially responded "it's sunday football!!" but then i guess he sensed my disappointment and remembered that part of our problem was no shared interests, and changed his tune.  Even started acting like he was excited about it.  again, SO! MUCH! FUN! It's interesting to see how much our interests do overlap when given the chance.  it's obvious we've both changed in significant ways....he's willing to try more and i'm not so willing to get into a snit about stuff it if doesn't pan out.  baby steps :) 

what we don't talk about is future stuff.  once in awhile he'll say things that suggest long term, years down the road still together stuff, but not in a meaningful, "i know we've been through hell and back and i'd like to consciously work on rebuilding".  More like "we need to get this sorted or we'll have a real problem with that roof down the road' kind of stuff, or "don't give that to my mom because it'll just come back when....well, you know, she's not gonna live forever" when i was trying to offload a decorative thing during a purge.  However, for those who are actively looking for reconnection and rebuilding, it never really is the big Hallmark coming together with big declarations and tearful proclamations, it really does just sorta sneak in through the side door and plop itself unceremoniously down on your couch "do we have any chips left?  i'm feeling munchie..."  ::)

take care everyone
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Really enjoyed reading your update (albeit a little late).

Plops itself on the couch sounds about right !
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DCD

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hello Mortesbride - thank you so much for checking in :) i hope you're doing well.

i just wanted to update my journal a bit.  It's been almost a year since husband moved back.  we continue to get along great, share meals, even go out as a family for dinners on a more frequent basis.  it's been pleasant without any drama
until...
backtracking a bit to capture the whole story, husband had continued to go to the bar where his girlfriend works.  i may have mentioned previously that she was pregnant but that wasn't the case so not sure who misunderstood that part, but she did buy a new home with her current boyfriend.  husband continued to go to the bar because that's the bar his friend/mentor enjoys going to, they have mutual friends, get along great with the owner and so on.  Husband and his girlfriend/ow also seemed to get along amicably enough, interacting only when necessary - each staying in their own lane.  until one night, about a month ago, when husband made a comment to his friend that her scent/perfume/fabric softener was so strong that he didn't think he'd be able to eat the food he had ordered.  she overhead this and took great offense.  not to his face, but made a point, after work, to go to the local police department and file a complaint of harassment.  apparently, there had been words previous to this that husband claims he thought they had worked out but she used previous encounters to bolster her complaint.  husband is on probation with his work, as he had just gotten a promotion and this would likely affect this - she knew this.  she stated that she didn't want this to affect that but she just wanted the harassment to stop.  it did cause some issues at work for him, as it was turned over to the proper authorities for investigation (was later signed off on and we heard it would proceed no further, although would remain on record - not on his personal file, however) and he was warned not to interact with her anymore and hopefully this would blow over in time for his review when his probation period runs out in the summer.  If she felt at all uncomfortable with him going there, considering their past together, i totally get that.  if he was in any way rude or harassing, i would hope her boss would have stepped in and asked him to not return.  but it doesn't really seem like any of this happened.  keeping in mind, i'm playing devil's advocate considering my past with him, as well.  but if pushed, i would have to say i believe he wasn't.

He stayed away for a few weeks and then a few nights ago, went to meet his friend/mentor (who is older and not in great health).  he made a point of checking to see if OW was working that night (she was not) so he stayed and had a few drinks.  He came home at a decent time.  He did not tell me that's where he was going....not really my business, but whatever, he knows i would think he was stupid for going.  The following night we were out grocery shopping for dinner that night and he started getting texts.  He wasn't hiding the fact that he was texting but didn't offer any information about the texts either.  I really didn't think anything of it at the time.  we made dinner and he disappeared for a period, then reappeared in a more agitated state.  to the point where our son questioned him about it.  He reassured son but mouthed to me "we need to talk about this later".  It was OW.  She had heard that he was there the evening before, she felt he had gone against what he was told to do (technically didn't as the investigative authorities told him to mind himself in her presence but his own bosses did say stay away - she wasn't in the vicinity), and that she had contacted the investigative authorities with a new complaint.  In my mind, all i could think was "damn, Karma! you really do take care of business when you get around to it", but it was hard to watch him struggle with this.  He worked very hard for this promotion, straightened himself out at work and the bosses had noticed it. and now this.  She started to feel bad about what she had done and told him she'd notify them the next morning that she wanted to withdraw her complaint, that she felt husband now understood the boundaries and she didn't want to escalate things in light of his promotion.  Husband still felt that this would likely blow his chances for keeping the promotion out of the water.

The next morning, husband went in and came clean to his bosses right away to get ahead of anything that might be coming down the pipes.  The big boss had already heard, having been notified the night before - boss was LIVID.  OW had contacted the investigative authorities and had withdrawn her complaint and texted husband screenshots of her emails and texts.  he thanked her and apologized for making her feel in any way victimized.  then she called him.  so he took the call, while his boss was there, and again apologized and thanked her. 

He went out that night to see his friend/mentor to talk about what had happened and get assurances that nothing would blow back onto OW because the other guys in that group would obviously still go to the bar and he didn't want her to continue to feel like everyone was against her causing her to cause husband more grief.  Well, while he was out, she texted him again and said she'd like to meet up and settle everything once and for all so that there would be no more problems.  He agreed, stating it was against his better judgement, but said he'd bring a friend if that was ok and she was fine with that.  they talked for a bit, went over what she had sent to the investigators and everything seemed fine.  the friend headed out but husband stayed, switching to water at this point.  she continued to drink.  that's when, husband tells me, it all went south so very quickly.  she became angry, crying, demanded to know why he never fought for her, why wasn't she enough, alternating between telling him she still loved him and that she hated him and always would.  he got up to go to the bathroom and came back to find her going through his text messages - specifically the ones between him and me - and she lost it.  "you're all buddy buddy now???"  he basically told her that it's been a year, he no longer had feelings for her, he was shocked because she was in a relationship with another man, deeply financially, physically, emotionally involved with him and his kids, and wondered why she was doing this.  she couldn't really say other than she loved him and wanted to know why she wasn't enough.  then got nasty and called him a liar and a game player and that it had always been his wife, she never had a chance, and that he ruined her life.  She told him she reached out to give him the opportunity to take her back and he failed. he finally left but all the way home she continued to text him "firetruck your promotion!!!!" "i love you" he didn't answer so then "fine! i HATE YOU".  He showed/read me her texts where she said all these things including telling him to go home to his loving wife and so on.  We turned in - it was very late at this point and a final text come through "hello".  He was about to text back "hi" and i asked him why he would do that.  he said he wouldn't but that he can't completely cut her off because now he really feared what she might do. He was happy he was able to get all this info in text because he's truly worried about her mental capacity.

I, on the other hand, had had a feeling in the pit of my stomach from the time he said he was going to see his friend/mentor for a drink.  i just knew that he was going to see her. and when closing time at the bar came and went (well actually hours before that because his friend/mentor doesn't like to stay out too late) i just knew he was with her.  he denied that he left home with that intention at all and said i had nothing to worry about. she texted him and asked to meet when she got off work. i told him that i did worry - that he would want to sell the house.  he seemed flabbergasted that i would say that and was adamant that WAS NOT happening. 

well a little backstory to that....we've been through similar before.  the first time he returned in 2012-2013.  he was back in november 2012 and left again in february 2013...of course, it was only a few months and it was under the guise of wanting to work on our relationship but it turned into a ploy to push me out from the inside.  when i refused to budge, he gave up and moved out again.  so there were flashbacks of exactly that.  i told him i wasn't about to go through all that again - NO WAY - and then walked away. he followed me to assure me it would not happen and that's when i got the whole story about how the evening went. 

now i know it has nothing to do with me, this is something he needs to deal with, but the outcome affects me in that if, for whatever nutbar reason he does decide to continue having any kind of dealings with her, it could mean losing my and my son's home and possibly any other financial arrangements we have in place. not to mention him as a friend. i would never have a relationship with him in any way if she is in the picture - that is my boundary. he says all that came of it was that it has reinforced within him the fact that she is crazy and bad news.  his thoughts on that is stay nice and cordial, don't completely cut her off, keep his distance and then when his promotion officially goes through "firetruck her!"  I guess i'll find out for sure soon enough.
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DCD,

Yuck! All that drama... it must feel messy.

I am glad you are able to look at it with a good measure of detachment - just rather worrying the effect it may have on you and your son  financially :(

I really hope he doesn't throw everything away over this person :(

It must be tough...

(((Hugs)))
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"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future" Jeremiah 29:11

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Oh lord--that is so much DRAMA!  Like Mitzpah said, you showed wonderful detachment.  This OW sounds crazy. Big surprise there.  I wonder if they actually hear themselves. "Go back to your loving WIFE." Um, ok.

Anyway, hugs friend. You are doing great.
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Pretty sure if he has all that in evidence or with a witness they can throw out her complaints. It clearly shows she is emotionally manipulating him...and she could even get done for filing false reports.

But honestly...he is feeding the situation as well.
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You know this is MLC when you have played emotional hot potato with a pair of crotch-less tights.

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Good lord, MLC stupid is a special kind of stupid isn't it?
And if any of us ever doubt the overarching principle of 'affair down' and ow drama, well there it is  ::)

I hope that you and your son are not affecged and that as Morte says it all turns out to be an ow storm in an MLC teacup...
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R
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Good lord, MLC stupid is a special kind of stupid isn't it?

Couldn't have said it better. This is all crazy. That memory of the initial drug of infatuation is very strong. Why have anything to do with such an unstable person and clearly put your job at risk? Tough to put your head around, even if we understand  why.
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How old IS OW anyway? 15? Geez... I've heard more mature conversations from Jr. High girls....
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Me - 57, xW - 50
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation & 21 at D-Day
S - 13, D - 9
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BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
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Divorce final 30 August 2019

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A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

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DCD,

Yuck! All that drama... it must feel messy.


Oh lord--that is so much DRAMA! 

But honestly...he is feeding the situation as well.

Good lord, MLC stupid is a special kind of stupid isn't it?

Quote
Good lord, MLC stupid is a special kind of stupid isn't it?
Why have anything to do with such an unstable person and clearly put your job at risk? Tough to put your head around, even if we understand  why.

How old IS OW anyway? 15? Geez... I've heard more mature conversations from Jr. High girls....

RIGHT??!!??
Honestly, MLC - the gift that keeps on giving.
It is messy, it is so much drama, he is feeding into/feeding off of, he (and it) is a special kind of stupid for sure, it is tough to understand, and she's in her mid 30s going on her mid teens.  Mentally, he's not too far ahead of her, although there is some growth there.  not much, it turns out, but some.  Thank you so much for your thoughts.  i know it's all so crazy but i'm reminded now of how bat$hit crazy it all is now that it's all written out....it's been my normal for so long.  nobody should have to have this kind of tolerance to that.

she was in her mid 20s when the whole thing started.  he was in his mid 40s. I do get her bitterness.  She's halfway through her 30s, could have been married and started a family years ago.  I'm sure he promised her a great many things and told her a great many things about me and, maybe for a bit of time, meant some of them.  when all is said and done, she devoted a decade to this relationship and in the end, he just went back to where he came from.  I believe a huge part of her bat$hit craziness is directly related to the fact that I beat her (how i perceive she thinks, through things she has taunted me with in the past and things said most recently in her rants to husband - certainly not how i see things.  me, a winner? SNORT!!).  throughout their relationship, during husband's moments of clarity, he told me she's completely obsessed....with me.  if you were to go through her social media over the years, and i admit i did, as did my friends, it became a complete mirror of my own.  she would recreate my profile pics (poses, filters, expressions...)exactly.  my likes became her likes. my style became her style.  my tastes, hers.  she HATED me but was doing everything to become me.  who does that??? he LEFT me for a reason, no?  but i guess she saw it as he loved me for a reason and she wanted to recreate all that.  keeping in mind, i've never ever met her.  not seen her on the street, nothing. Her comments "why wasn't i good enough??", "why not me??" when she seemingly did what she could to mirror me. Husband has told me several times when he first returned and now again over the past few weeks that she spits nails over the fact that he's back in the house with me.  She had given him an ultimatum in the end, commit fully or go. So he went (it seems his intention had been to leave for a full year at that point but in true MLC form...).  It irked her to no end that he did.  It came as a real blow to her that he didn't "fight" for her.  She was quick to find another boyfriend, sell her house, move in with him and take on his three children.  she was even quicker to let husband know this is what she was doing and she was so happy to have found someone whose sole purpose was to make her happy.  so husband told her he was happy for her, happy they could each move on in their lives, each finding their own happiness.  She told him she was pregnant and he congratulated her.  she wasn't but that didn't really matter, i guess because it didn't get the response i'm sure she wanted.  Regardless, they (she and husband) seemed to be getting on amicably enough until they weren't. One of husband's bosses suggested that, like a toddler, she saw any attention as good attention and since she wasn't getting his attention as before, she'd create situations that would demand his attention.  to all of this i say "Hello Karma - i was wondering when you'd come along"

husband has shared more information about their conversation that final night ("i love everything i have except that it's not with you" "would you have a baby with me? do you love me, because i love you" to which he responded "NO! i don't love you and i don't hate you". "you should have never left" to which he responded "you kicked me out" "well you weren't supposed to leave. you were supposed to fight for me. why didn't you? why didn't you ever?"  "i love you! you ruined my life!" "i just found out that my boyfriend is ordering an engagement ring. he loves me so much and i don't love him. i love you" That all ended the following day when he texted her "respectfully, i ask that you not contact me in any way anymore".  She responded "i have no need to contact you anymore. i have a boyfriend who loves me more than anything.  i've come to the realization that you are an a$$hole. you haven't changed a bit. you are the most selfish person i've ever known. you are NOT a good guy"  As far as i know, as far as he's told me anyway, that's the last he's heard from her.  We'll see...  His bosses are suitably perplexed over the latest.  They see what he is dealing with but question his need to be anywhere within a 10 mile radius of her.  The reminded him that any further complaint (they do NOT want to hear about/from her anymore) would mean his stripes.  The big boss hasn't had the opportunity to chime in yet....he was warned that he may end up with a new orifice, in the most polite term i could come up with.

We went out for dinner a couple of nights ago.  We've been going out more, talking a great deal about anything and everything.  He looked at me smiled and said "you don't know how nice it is to be out for dinner, great conversation and good food with someone who isn't constantly on their phone".  I smiled and said "you don't know how nice it is to be out with someone who doesn't just stare over my head to watch the game on the tv".  that's something he used to ALWAYS do.  He replied "i do that.... do i?" i told him he certainly used to but doesn't seem to anymore and then smiled. He looked a bit shameful and said "that's not right....understood!" and then he smiled.  It was a very nice night. 
 
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« Last Edit: February 01, 2019, 11:49:01 AM by DCD »
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DCD - I am at the beginning of my journey and it is so nice to read about someone near in the other side with some hope and possibility. Thank you for sharing.

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I am glad you guys had a nice dinner, and can see each other in a new more appreciative light.  :)
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You know this is MLC when you have played emotional hot potato with a pair of crotch-less tights.

D

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Hello Calm and Morte :) thank you for following along.

Thought I'd catch up a bit on my journaling.
Not much on the girlfriend front.  If she's attempted contact again, i haven't heard.  I think the last run in and fall out stuck and he's staying far away from there and close to home.  We continue to spend time together. Lots of hugs in general, and kisses when he leaves for work or to go out. He's all but moved back into the bedroom.  His bedroom is where he keeps his clothes and sleeps during the day when he is on night shift, as it is darker.  We still don't talk about future stuff, relationship stuff anyway, but little things pop up that make me go "hmmm".  He told me he was going to look into putting me back on his insurance after finding out i pay an awful amount each month since he dumped me a couple of years back without telling me.  i found out at the dentist's office after having a full check up and placed an order for a mouth guard because i had started grinding and clenching in my sleep.  i was handed a hefty bill while the lovely young lady whispered "your insurance was declined..." Well played, you firetruckity firetruck >:(  It would not have been so bad if i didn't have a history of leukemia, effectively cutting me off of all chances of decent, affordable coverage.  I had found out later had he told me that he was going to, I could have secured my own with no questions asked.  but because months had gone by, they demanded a medical....i failed  :-[  ANYWAY, he mentioned that it shouldn't be a problem - said that we've been together over a year now ( :o ) so it should be automatic...i'll likely have to remind him (and, of course, i will) but i believe he's sincere. 

The other day i was on the phone with the garage as my car wasn't playing nice, husband had to give me a boost twice, and i mentioned to the mechanic "my husband thought it might be....blah blah" and he stood there next to me, his face all "yes, that's what i think..." not a flinch. i haven't referred to him in that manner in a very long time - certainly never in front of him.  i would usually say "father of my child" because even "my ex" just grinds me the wrong way.  I find that in general, i am a little aware of how i come across to him when it comes to that kind of scenario.  I was making snacks and asked him "do you want me to nuke this babe??" referring to the snack as "babe" not him but then i realized that he might have thought i referred to him that way so said "i wasn't calling you babe, by the way...don't get weird" as sort of a joke but he just looked at me a little subdued and said "i wasn't going to get weird..." so i think i should have just let it go...fly by, fall flat, whatever.  still the odd eggshell lying around but i do question if it's mostly my own issue and not anything he's putting out there. 

As for me, i've decided to follow my bliss and start a small business, completely opposite from my day job, exploring my love of creating pretty things  :) Definitely start out small, little online sales and the odd booth at local fairs, blog about that and other things that make me happy to be alive, hahaa!!  I've made quick sales and have some "orders".  Just trying to fine tune product and have a line to start with. I did this type of thing after i was ill years ago, with husband's support, and did quite well until i started back at work and things got a bit much.  this time, he's unaware although will likely clue in as i've been ramping it up over the past few month or so.  i have my domain name and started pages on FB and instagram.  nothing gone live yet as i still have a few things to sort out but i'm excited about it and am happy i have something that's all about me to focus on.
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« Last Edit: February 14, 2019, 07:37:21 AM by DCD »
some days are yellow
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Sounds positive to me.... The road is long and not for the faint of heart....
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Me - 57, xW - 50
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation & 21 at D-Day
S - 13, D - 9
2 Dogs
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Divorce final 30 August 2019

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A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

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Nice to hear your update, thank you for writing!

I like the idea of your business!
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DCD

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Hello T&L and Ursa - thank you so much for reading along.
Just reading over some threads and thought I'd add to my journaling.
Was just on another thread that asked the question how MLC affairs end. I was given the opportunities on a few occasions to get a glimpse into the affair turned full on relationship husband was in with his girlfriend, through moments of clarity that my husband had and was feeling particularly chatty and through little bits of info that son shared in passing.  It seemed to always have some element of drama.  At year 3, after a failed return attempt which seemed to then morph into a mission of pushing me out of my home from the inside, he presented me with a laughable separation agreement that he hoped would "stop the screaming" and get OW off his back.  There then was an engagement around year 4, congratulated by friends and OW's mom and a picture posted of a hideous ring (interestingly, my own wedding ring/engagement band went missing around about that time...i must ask AGAIN what has become of those) all over social media, which all came down just as quickly as they went up. Years 5 and 6 saw great anger and meanness on the part of husband towards me, jealous-type accusations, culminating with a letter from his lawyer finally starting the legal separation process (beat me by a matter of days, as i had already contacted my lawyer to meet to get things started). OW started up with social media again, gushing about new beginnings and wonderful things ahead.  The anger and bitterness continued through the following year while we gathered up our info for the lawyers.  I finally emailed him to tell him that i would no longer allow any communication between us that didn't specifically relate to the welfare and care of our son.  I would no longer answer his calls, texts, or emails and as far as communication concerning son and any possible matter relating directly to the legal separation, i would only accept email communication.  He would not see me or hear my voice again.  He tried on several occasions but I ignored it all.  Our son was now old enough to be on his own during pick up and drop offs.  This continued until mediation at the end of that year and then resumed afterward...until he made arrangements through our lawyers to come to the home to work on the division of property in February of that year.  It was during that meeting that he informed me that he wanted to return home the first time.  He then brought it up again a couple of months later, rather nastily, which prompted me going dark again. Without specifically saying no, and with the thought that he likely decided to stay with OW, we continued on with the intention that our house, as per separation agreement, would be sold the following spring.  Late winter, Husband moved back home. We had a discussion, which went so much better than the first one and i guess he sensed that i was much more open to the idea (the idea being it was for financial reasons, he wanted to keep the house and he wanted son to continue in the specialized program offered at his school), because he moved himself right back in the following week while i was away with son.  It's now been a full year he's been home and we've grown much closer and seemingly have come a bit further with our communication skills.  Still bumps in the road to maneuver but the lines remain open.

So, having said all that, it brings us back to the question as to how the affair/relationship comes to an end.  In this case, it came down to what i've heard said years ago on this very forum "the pain of staying outweighs the pain of leaving" and he had said that to me the first time he had asked to return the year before.  He was looking to enjoy a relaxing, come and go as i please with no real responsibilities kind of life and she was demanding that he make good on his promises, whatever they may be - i imagine they included marriage and children (he's 17 years older).  she was very vocal, applied a great deal of pressure. He said there were other issues as well, "she's a millennial" whatever that entails, "she's always on her phone", "she's all about the drama"... He told me he wanted to come home, take care of the house and be Dad to his son, it was for him that he was back and it didn't hurt that it would help us both financially. 

How far along is he on his MLC journey? well there are still evident pieces of MLC guy but he's able to joke about those pieces so i imagine there is some realization. He's much more open about what's going on in his life, sharing the good and the bad and more interested in my doings, as well.  Still a little ways to go...or maybe he's reached his destination and this is the guy he was meant to be, a little self absorbed but truly caring and kind.  Acts of service and physical touch are his love languages and i recognize that, now, thanks to his forum.  I experience these things frequently from him.  No overt remorse but it seems to be in the little things.  He's always been a 'sweep it under the rug' guy, as far as verbally acknowledging things he's done - but again, those little things.  They're really not so little, i guess.  Every day is a choice and so far, every day we continue to choose to walk our paths together - again with all the bumps and mini forking then rejoining that it all entails.  Must keep in mind, however, that all this is tempered with the fact that we still haven't defined what it is we are doing.  We are also still minding the separation agreement as far as he is paying me support monthly.  And there also is the stipulation that we will revisit the option of selling the house, from time to time.  One of those times is this month - i'm guessing that's not going to happen.

Update with the girlfriend: She had made a middle of the night call that went ignored about a week ago.  Husband was a bit perturbed by it because he thought it might be the start of another string of problems that might impact his job.  Early this week, he had gone to meet his mentor friend to watch the game - he is also acquainted with the OW.  I had decided to go to bed early and was just falling asleep when i heard the front door close, shoes being kicked off and thumping up the stairs.  Next thing i know, husband is jumping on the bed "GUESS WHO'S PREGNANT!?!".  Barely a month along, it would seem.  His friend figures that's what the phone call was about.  Apparently, she had marched right up to mentor friend to share the great news and the due date, likely knowing it would get back to husband.  That would mean that while she was declaring her undying love to husband and loudly wishing her life was still shared with him and not the poor sucker she's currently with, she was getting pregnant with the poor sucker she's currently with.  Husband was clearly pleased with this new turn of events because, not only is she now pregnant so there's the likelihood that she'll leave him alone, but she's pregnant so that'll mean maternity leave in the near future and he'll be able to reclaim the pub that he loves  ::)  And even more!!! (said in husband's best excited "oh boy oh boy oh boy!!!" voice), by the time she gets back, he'll be past his probation period at work so if she tries to threaten him with more harassment claims, he can turn the tables (according even to his own bosses) on her and return the favor - helpful that he has all her harassing, threatening, and obsessive texts as well as a log of her attempted contacts.  I swear he slept with the biggest grin on his face. 
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« Last Edit: March 07, 2019, 07:45:09 AM by DCD »
some days are yellow
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Sounds like xOW is one seriously hot mess....

And now you'll just need .... yep... I am going to use a four-letter word on HS and not even censor it ... TIME

See where you are, where he is, where you are going, where he is going and if, at the end of the day, those roads are together.....
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Me - 57, xW - 50
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation & 21 at D-Day
S - 13, D - 9
2 Dogs
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Divorce final 30 August 2019

Survival Instructions for Newbies
Site Map
 
A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

D

DCD

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And now you'll just need .... yep... I am going to use a four-letter word on HS and not even censor it ... TIME

See where you are, where he is, where you are going, where he is going and if, at the end of the day, those roads are together.....

Agreed!!

Sounds like xOW is one seriously hot mess....

omigawd...AGREED!
And I do understand that crazy generally attracts crazy, but that mess was in no small part due to him and promises he made, too.  Her complete gobsmackedness (that's my word, i made that up) over him returning to me is directly proportional (ok, maybe some crazy involved) to the fact that he had to have told her some pretty nasty things about me.  I can't stop thinking, and even feeling a bit sorry, that she was a young, mid twenties, lady who had so much potential, could have found a young man, had a family and multiple children and now, 10 years later, she's a mid 30s (yes, still young...but...) expecting her first child with a separated 40 year old father of three.  Ok, maybe i don't feel so sorry.  She obviously has a "type"  ::)
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« Last Edit: March 07, 2019, 08:24:53 AM by DCD »
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I can't stop thinking, and even feeling a bit sorry, that she was a young, mid twenties, lady who had so much potential, could have found a young man, had a family and multiple children and now, 10 years later, she's a mid 30s (yes, still young...but...) expecting her first child with a separated 40 year old father of three.  Ok, maybe i don't feel so sorry.  She obviously has a "type"  ::)

Well that is quite charitable of you. But my guess is, regardless of her age, she is a broken individual who preys on married men. I am sure he made her promises. Big ones too. But she probably said she would never be the "crazy x" that you are. And looky looky....seems she's calk full of crazy.  Your timeline is interesting. My H has been with his OW for a couple of years--EA for a good year and half before turning physical. I know there is much drama with them too. Lots of break-ups and make-ups. Anyway, thanks for the insight. It sounds like your H is on a positive path now. 
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Hello,

A lot of catching up. I was reading your post on the end of the affair. "The pain of  staying outweighs the pain of leaving". Sounds like a great LBS quote.

I am glad that you are posting. It is nice to hear from someone who's MLCer is through the tunnel. Not perfect, not even done, but progress has been made.

Your H's OW is a mess. Personally, they are all messes. Look how quick she was going to cheat on her new man. I would bet she was cheating on your H as well. He was too deep in the fog to realize.

Keep working on you and your relationship. For those that are reading, strong boundaries are vital. It enabled you to keep him at bay when he first tried to return. Your response was amazing and effective.

You faced the monster and won.

Please keep posting and let us know how things are going,

Congratulations again,

((((Ready))))
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"Always look in the mirror and love what you see."

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Hi KeepItTogether,

But she probably said she would never be the "crazy x" that you are. And looky looky....seems she's calk full of crazy.

You got that right! I'm positive she said exactly that and husband was happy to believe that or go along with that or whatever.  The truth is the MLCer is very much tuned in to crazy...dysfunctional....broken.  They need someone less than to hook up with because what normal, functional, unbroken person would put up with that kind of hot mess for any decent length of time? 

Journaling some thoughts after visiting some threads:
I think what people in real life and people new to MLC and, sadly, even some people who have been at it already for a few years fail to realize is that your spouse is no longer your spouse.  Trying to talk sense to them really does paint you as the crazy ex.  Trying to reason with them or show them the error of their ways or guilt them into seeing "the truth" only reinforces the MLCer's decision to leave as well as the MLCer's and OP's "us against the world" mentality  - it does bind them closer together...if for nothing than pure spite.  I learned fairly early on that anytime i tried to force him to see the light by way of letters or texts, it pushed him further away.  Did it cause his crisis to last longer than it would have? i would say no, it lasted (it's lasting) as long as it needed (needs) to.  Did it cause me completely unnecessary pain and anguish and postpone my healing? Absolutely!  He viewed me as the enemy.  I was the reason for everything in his life that had gone or was going wrong.  I was his target of choice so why ever would he care what i think, place value on my opinions, find wisdom and guidance in my words, letters or texts?  If anything, it painted me as an obsessed stalker who made distasteful and uninvited advances...ew! There are times when truth darts find their way through but they must be well timed and well placed...and infrequent.  Any valuable truth dart would surely be lost in the barrage of shots fired of constant contact.  I finally pulled "a 180" and stopped initiating any contact.  I made myself less available to him and more available to my own life.  Sure i did it to get a reaction initially - bad reason as that gives them control of your rollercoaster, but eventually learned that it was healthier and much more beneficial to do it for me.  He did react positively - if by positive i meant that it kept him somewhat close and still in contact, touch and goes and a bit less monstery, so not necessarily the positive one would hope.   But at least I had the control.  Not sure how much "paving the way" i actually did. it really wasn't something that i consciously set out to do.  I just treated him fairly - responded to reasonable questions and requests, and set my own boundaries as far as what i would tolerate as treatment from him.  It was still hard and still painful at times, but i was determined to live a good life despite what he had done and was doing.  I lived my life as though he was gone forever because it came to a point where i allowed myself to believe that.  If he was particularly kind or helpful, i was gracious and sincere in my response.  If he was monsterish and cruel, i would simply and quickly remind him of my boundary pertaining to that and shut down communication at that point.

I know people have thought and even said to me "wow almost 8 years..." and yup, that's how long it was when he returned home.  for me, that's how long it took before i'd allow him to be an active and daily part of my life.  it would never have worked as well as it now seems to be working had it been any sooner.   We both arrived at that spot seemingly at the same time.  I wasn't waiting for him there.  and while he thought he had arrived a full year earlier, there were still things left for him to take care of.  Still couldn't say where we'll be a year from now but I'm hopeful we'll still be working towards something good together.



Keep working on you and your relationship. For those that are reading, strong boundaries are vital. It enabled you to keep him at bay when he first tried to return. Your response was amazing and effective.

You faced the monster and won.

Please keep posting and let us know how things are going,

Congratulations again,

((((Ready))))

Wow, ready, you made me pretty misty reading this, thank you!!  "You faced the monster and won".  When i read that particular line, i thought to myself "holy hell, i really did!" but not alone and certainly not without a great deal of help from this forum.  While I posted mostly in the early days, the guidance, kind words and 2x4s were the foundation i built my game plan on and it all brought me to this point.  I didn't think i'd get to this exact spot but that's the beauty of living for today because tomorrow isn't promised.  Had i stayed focused on how, when, where husband would come out of the tunnel, i would never have enjoyed the wonderful life i really did get to enjoy over the past 5 years, at least.  Again, thank you!

We ran into some health problems over the past week - husband was diagnosed with an unexpected cardiac problem that, while serious, can be managed well with lifestyle changes and modifications.  It was an incidental finding stemming from another issue that was just more problematic for him but not overly serious.  He had asked me to come with him for the medical appointment and i'm so glad (i think he was, too) that i did.  Of note, when the doctor asked about his marital status, he proclaimed "married!" hahaa! ok maybe not with so much fanfare but he said it loud and clear.  we spent the better part of two days running around from appointment to lab for blood work, imaging and tests.  we celebrated yesterday evening, while waiting for prescriptions at the drug store, by buying each other a pair of reading glasses off the rack, and then marveled at how much of the bottle labels we can now actually read.  We toasted each others' "undisputed arrival to middle age" with a lovely pure cranberry/sour cherry juice blend (gout for him and a small urinary tract issue for me), watched a movie and then headed to bed at 9:30 p.m.  Lots of shared hugs and pats on the head.  It felt really very good to be with each other for each other.
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Your post brings me great joy DCD and every word you said is true.

Step away from their crisis. It is so hard to do when what we want is not what they want.

Quote
people new to MLC and, sadly, even some people who have been at it already for a few years fail to realize is that your spouse is no longer your spouse.

It is hard to accept this because they still look like your spouse, sort of. They might even sound like your spouse, sort of. I find pictures of him help me to see, the empty eyes, his features so different from the man I loved...that man is gone.

My life and my daughter's life is what became important...how to create a family when he destroyed the family that was so precious....there is still great love for him, and sadness that he is having a crisis that has lasted so long....

Thanks for posting!
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"Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see" Hebrews 11:1

"You enrich my life and are a source of joy and consolation to me. But if I lose you, I will not, I must not spend the rest of my life in unhappiness."

" The truth does not change according to our ability to stomach it". Flannery O'Connor

https://www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com/chapter-contents.html

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Yay I am happy to see things are moving in the right direction. :)
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You know this is MLC when you have played emotional hot potato with a pair of crotch-less tights.

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Attaching....
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"And when they ask you about me and you find yourself thinking back on all of our memories,
I hope you ache in regret as the truth hits you like a bullet and you find yourself replying: ""She loved me more than anyone else in the entire world and I tried to destroy her."  He failed by the way. 
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8412(Denjef's thread)

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Hello! Happy Spring :)
Just wanted to update my journaling.  Nothing super groundbreaking - just life and the little ups and downs that go along with it. 

On the home front, things are going well.  Small signs of commitment past the "every three months" checkpoints as per the terms of our separation agreement that stated we were to revisit the sale of house every three months.  The first has come and gone and the next is due next month, but discussions are very much on long-term plans for much-needed landscaping, our veggie garden (and ideas for a "grow op" in the basement for year-round gardening), house beautification and, most recently (this past week), his proposal that we spend Christmas "down south" this year.  My first immediate thought was, of course, how i'm going to squeeze my bits into a bikini (thankfully i have 7 months).  I feel this is something i can really look forward to, especially after the year i've had (i lost my Mom last summer and then my Dad the beginning of this year - not mentioned until now because everything about my parents had gotten too much to bear "out loud", if that makes sense), and especially after the 10 years we've had.  This will truly be the first let's get on a plane trip we've ever taken as a family and only the second we've taken together as a "couple".  While he was on his hiatus from real life, he and his girlfriend took yearly trips south - 7 in total.  I am not triggered by this at all...honestly not even a sliver.  I really feel as though I've forgiven him this particular transgression.  Partly, i think, because of the hell he endured (his doing, i'm fully aware and gently mention that fact from time to time when discussed ;D ), partly because I own my own part of the marital breakdown (and forgive myself as well), and partly because of the good that's come out of it for me - some real blessings in disguise that maybe i should elaborate on, but will leave for another time.

As far as our "relationship" goes, we live as a family, we live as a couple.  He still pays my spousal support, and gives me a monthly amount equivalent to the child support he was paying that more than covers half the expenses and groceries.  He contributes as far as housework, cleans the kitchen, does laundry, cooks once in awhile.  Once a week, he takes us out for a good meal. He spends most of his downtime at home, but does try to get to see his mentor/friend at least once every couple of weeks...this has significantly decreased but he has explained that as "he knows I have lots going on".  Investigations into his health issue are coming to an end but he's handling it all very well and he seems to have found peace with and humour in the fact that we are now "old".  It's a pretty happy and quite comfortable existence.  Still no "relationship" talk and I don't feel the need to initiate it at this time.  Right now, I'm basking in the long-awaited calm and drama free life and appreciating it to the fullest.  Whatever comes will come but I will not ruin my today worrying about something that may or may not happen in the future.
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DCD,

It is good to read you  :) :)  You sound very peaceful. It seems as if you have come to a kind of acceptance of the present reality without stressing too much on water run under the bridge.

I am happy to hear that you are planning a family Christmas in warmer climes :)

Thank you for the post!
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"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future" Jeremiah 29:11

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Thank you, Mitzpah - it's taken me a while to get to this point but I am at peace and I find it bleeds into other areas of my life, as well.  I refuse to get worked up and worried about things that may never come to pass - because often they don't.

I thought I'd add a bit to my journaling.  What I've been noticing more and more lately are the changes that I've made in my life, maintaining my own independence, taking initiative to do stuff, being happy with what really matters and not hung up on the dumb bits.  There was the concern that husband, once returned, would fall back into old patterns which would cause me to fall back into mine.  "well he's here now so he can do this and that..." My refusal to do so has positively impacted our day to day interactions in even the smallest ways.  Previous to his leaving, I depended on him a great deal to take care of things which caused resentment which would then cause me to be resentful because in my mind "that's his job and i do everything else".  Everything seemed to require a reaction instead of a response...and the difference is palpable.  Little examples (because, let's face it, it's all "little examples" that blow into "big crises"):  taking out the garbage, recycling.  Before, it would pile up until he'd get exasperated and stomp around gathering everything up and taking it out.  I would "react" by thinking "well it's about time". Before, I'd ask him to get something off the top shelf and he'd react by telling me to "use a chair" - of course, this was all in the later years right before the crisis and reacting to each other instead of responding was, by that point, our only means of communication.  Every little thing would turn into a big thing because we weren't effective communicators, we assumed the other should just know, and every grievance and slight was noted and stacked with all the previous ones, refusing to let any of it go - it was just a one-upping after another. Previously, I was seen to have my jobs - the cooking and all the cleaning and caring for our son, all done while maintaining a full-time job - not to mention all the  medical appointments and therapy appointments (our son has special needs) and time off i'd have to take for these but he would rarely take off even though his job makes allowances for just these things and mine cuts into my vacation time....so you can see how much resentment had piled up high on both sides.   

I firmly believe, now more than ever thanks to this crisis, that you cannot change a person, you can only change yourself.  HOWEVER, by modeling a positive  behaviour or an attitude, you really do get back what you put out.  There are exceptions - those people are the ones you cut out of your life.  That gets so much easier when you have well-maintained boundaries and a good sense of what's important to your well being.  The journey i took while husband was taking his clarified a lot of things, showed me who stood with me with genuine love and concern and who was with me because of the drama and enjoyed witnessing the train wreck up close and personal.  When husband returned and I ended up not losing everything in a messy divorce, i was no longer the one who made them feel better about their sorry lives, and instead of being genuinely happy that things might just turn out well for our family, there were snarky comments and then nothing...disappearance.  Someone made a comment about a particular "friend" who really was not "it's like the trash took out itself".  Maybe some truth to that, I guess.

Boy, do i have a way of going on and on...my initial point being...well i'm not quite sure anymore, but I do see how we've both evolved over the past several years.  We're not embroiled in the silly one-up-manship, each always having to be right.  We're much quicker to give each other a hand and just overall being gracious about the help offered or even refused ("I can do it, but thank you!"..."No problem, let me know if that changes"). We now seem to be more at peace within ourselves and with each other.  When he first returned, i felt like there was a lot of him watching me and me watching him, waiting for some sign of change or some sign that things haven't changed.  There were some bumps but we both seemed to feel the need to make this work because this is it! It's now or never! So we changed our tactics, abandoned our old ways of "dealing" with things and tried a kinder, gentler way.  Stopped reacting, remembered to listen instead of just waiting for when it was our turn to talk.  It was awkward at first because i think we were so concerned about misstepping that we sort of went too far the other way "i'm sorry, you were saying? no go ahead i interrupted! no really please talk..." A few halting, ugly, jerky waltzes but i think we're starting to really hit our groove.  Previously, we would only talk about stuff that was necessary to discuss. He would literally glaze over (and i admit, i likely did the same) whenever i tried to talk about anything else. Now we get the necessary stuff quickly out of the way so we can talk about everything else.  We do have a lot in common, which was something i had pretty much decided we hadn't, and we're finding new things all the time.  We share in the household stuff, the cooking, the cleaning - we still each have our 'stuff' but it can be interchangeable and it gets done without the drama. I feel the support from him growing and, just as surprisingly, i feel my support for him increasing, as well.  It comes through in the strangest ways but it's there.  I was pushed aside almost off the train by a man coming home from work one night and I wasn't going to say anything because i felt as though husband would question what i had done to possibly cause that (obviously there are still some insecurities).  I ended up mentioning it and when he started questioning, i had briefly felt like he was about to ask just that.  But what he was trying to get was the whole scenario (we role played it in the kitchen  ::) ) and boy was he mad! He told me he was really angry for me and it was obvious.  In the following days, he would ask how my trip home was, if that man was around and then commented about how maybe he might just meet me at the station one evening.  It was kinda nice, i'll admit.

There are times when we do fall back into "old" ways, although not to the extent that we have been.  For the most part, he sees and appreciates how independent and self sufficient i've become and does comment positively about that - not usually in the "wow, lookit at you - who knew it?" sort of way.  However, yesterday I came home with a note under my windshield wiper from a man who wanted to sell me a hubcap.  For some reason, i keep losing one, have replaced it twice, and refuse to spend any more money on that.  Anyway, we were eating dinner and husband brought that back up again, joking about me not wanting to have a pretty little car and i replied, as above, i refuse! He told me that the price the guy quoted was good and i was all "nope! done!" and then mentioned that i had replaced it twice already through the dealer.  That got him started on why would anyone pay through the nose at the dealer blah blah blah and then ended his little "aw little lady, you didn't know any better" rant with "you should have come to me" to which i responded, not one beat missed "at that particular time, you weren't a very nice person to me, so i did what i could with what i had" pew!!! laser truth dart right between the eyes!! It wasn't in any way nasty or sneering, just in a kind "well since you did ask" way.  His response was a pretty meek "understood". The rest of the dinner conversation was very pleasant with some nice compliments to me and my cooking and a very sincere thank you for a deliciouser (family joke) supper!

It was my birthday last week and in light of having quite recently lost the two people who made the magic that is me, i was trying to remain below the radar and choosing to celebrate in a quiet, introspective sort of way.  Husband was also on night shift.  I came home to find he had woken up early to make sure everything was clean and he was waiting to take us all out to dinner to a local spot, with the promise that we'd make the trip to our usual celebration spot at a later date.  I asked if we could just go to the movies - we haven't been in YEARS and there's a movie out that absolutely everyone else has gotten to see and I cannot go on another day without seeing for myself - we go tonight!!  Tickets are bought!  :D  Popcorn, licorice, an obscene vat of sugar water, 3D action, surrounded by two handsome men  ;D Another great day in the can!

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A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
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Previously, I was seen to have my jobs - the cooking and all the cleaning and caring for our son, all done while maintaining a full-time job - not to mention all the  medical appointments and therapy appointments (our son has special needs) and time off i'd have to take for these but he would rarely take off even though his job makes allowances for just these things and mine cuts into my vacation time....so you can see how much resentment had piled up high on both sides.   


This really resonated with me. It is as if I wrote this very passage. How wonderful that you both have found a way to address this--mirror work at its finest.

Tickets are bought!  :D  Popcorn, licorice, an obscene vat of sugar water, 3D action, surrounded by two handsome men  ;D Another great day in the can!


End Game perhaps? ;)  I love this. Your story is truly a success. Not b/c you are reconnecting. But b/c you have taken this journey to heart and worked on yourself. None of us are perfect. Yes, this MLC crap is NOT our fault. But we can all improve.  And you have done such a great job of introspection. Which is no easy task.  Anyway, your whole post had me grinning ear to ear.

And I wholeheartedly agree that we cannot change others, only ourselves. And that by being a positive role model it may just affect how others act as well. I mean, who could ever not smile back at someone who smiles at them first?
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Love your thread title so had a read and very much enjoyed catching up with your story! You’ve given me a happy glow!

I mean, who could ever not smile back at someone who smiles at them first?

Great point KIT. I’ll remember that.

Rose 🌹
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OW2 - Feb 2019, age 30
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Bought a family Puppy mid 2018 - referred to as ‘P’

Link to advice by my mentor, Phoenix, on what to tell the children about H leaving - reply #33 (it had a glitch)
https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9313.30

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I hope your movie was as good as you anticipated! :)
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You know this is MLC when you have played emotional hot potato with a pair of crotch-less tights.

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hello! Thank you, KIT  -  End Game, indeed!  ;D

Hi Rose...thank you so much for checking in!
I mean, who could ever not smile back at someone who smiles at them first?

Great point KIT. I’ll remember that.


absolutely agree!

Mortes - The movie was GREAT! Not just the movie but the experience... was a bit draggy in spots but worth getting through those.  At one point during one of the slower bits, I heard snoring.  Son and I just turned to each other... "is that your dad...?" "yup!" I look over and he's got his 3d glasses on the top of his head, arms crossed, leaned back in his recliner, rumbling away. Thank gawd the movie's been in theaters for a while and we pretty much had our little area to ourselves. I reached over to touch his arm and his eyes opened slightly, big grin on his face "just resting my eyes until the action starts" Hahahaa! i mean, what do you do in that moment between the popcorn running out and the action starting??

His current work schedule is kicking his aging butt ;D...not that he complains a whole lot about it.  He is finally in the position that he worked years to get to.  His crisis didn't help because twice, while in the thick of things, he went for the promotion and was passed over - one of the reasons, he let slip, was attitude.  This from a guy who was marked as a fast tracker by his superiors only a few years before.  Since he's been home, he successfully applied for and got the promotion.  He's super proud of that but is now looking more towards retirement.  We both are! hahaaa! we're done with work but, sadly, our bills aren't done with us.  Tackling debt, and general repairs and upgrading of the home are very much on our radar at the moment, as well as saving for our son's future care.  He's looking more and more past the horizon, so to speak, as far as our life together, using "our" and "we" language almost exclusively.   

We've been sitting out at nights after supper now that the weather is warming up - as long as the bugs will let us.  We have drinks, he smokes a cigar, we watch the tv we hooked up in the garage for late night movies, but mostly we just talk about (most) everything and anything.  Last night, while discussing his particularly grueling work schedule of late because of vacations and so on, he started talking about how great it would be to be young again and asked me if i ever thought that.  He reminisced about what we used to do and what we used to eat and yet we looked so good and felt so great.  I told him I'd love to have the body but I very much want to keep the brain i've curated - ha! all my learnings and thoughts and realizations.  He replied "oh absolutely!! I'd keep my brain. No, I want to keep everything I've learned. I used to be just....so....stupid...". It's not ever going to come out as a big declaration. That's never been who he is.  But this realization - more so him verbalizing, admitting this realization...honestly can't think of a bigger one.
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Hello,

Thanks for posting on my thread. I have spent some time reading your thread. Wow!

What I do appreciate is your journey and that you did not fall back into previous patterns that existed prior to your H's crisis. That is an easy pattern to fall into, but you have thrived and maintained the new you with your H.

This validates my own feelings that the LBSer needs to take the time and live as if they are not coming back. The LBSer becomes a different person and heals. Then you come to a point that if the MLCer comes back,then you take them back because you want them, not because you need them.

Now you and your h have an opportunity to create a new history together.

Your H was a clinger. Does he ever share his mindset during this period of time? Just wondering.

You posted that he returned and still maintained his OW. Did you see this as cake eating? Not questioning your judgement as I feel we all have to deal with our situation the best we can, but I am sure you got an earful from friends in Real Life. Or maybe you didn't. Once again, just wondering.

Hope you continue to post and that things continue to go well for the both of you.

((((Hugs)))

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Hi Ready - thank you for stopping in.



What I do appreciate is your journey and that you did not fall back into previous patterns that existed prior to your H's crisis. That is an easy pattern to fall into, but you have thrived and maintained the new you with your H.


There was that worry when he initially returned in that it stirred up anxieties that I really hadn't had to deal with for quite a while.  I think part of the reason, a large part, that I have resisted falling back into my old ways was that I did not like that part of the old me.  She literally made me cringe. I could actually hear how I sounded and saw how foolish I looked when reacting to husband.  I would choose to die on every single hill we battled because I had to be right....sad, because there was no glory and certainly no "winner". That is not at all to say that I now always defer to whatever he says - absolutely not! - but I always seek a compromise at the very least.  And it appears that he does, too!


This validates my own feelings that the LBSer needs to take the time and live as if they are not coming back. The LBSer becomes a different person and heals. Then you come to a point that if the MLCer comes back,then you take them back because you want them, not because you need them.


Fully agree! The only way I could have gotten through this fully intact is to let him go completely.  Live as if, for sure. Take the wheel of my own life and drive it where I want to go. It's so interesting but one of the biggest light bulb moments I had that set me on my own path was something he had said in the earlier days of the crisis - and I want to highlight this fact, as I see it: yes, MLCers do tend to rewrite history to defend their choices but if you listen to what they say, you will find there are some truths, as well.  What he said to me was that I was never happy with what is and was always waiting for this to happen before that can happen.  I have to lose 10 lbs before I can do whatever.  I have to have so much saved before I can plan a great vacation.... basically, this, this and this need to be in place before I can enjoy my life.  Who was I to demand that he be happy with himself and his present place in life when I sure wasn't?  You know, we all are pretty adamant that we know our spouses - well guess what? They know us, too!  That's why it was so important to do the work, because whether he returned or not, whether I accepted him back or not, I'm already complete on my own.


Your H was a clinger. Does he ever share his mindset during this period of time? Just wondering.


We haven't had full conversations about where he was in his mindset during all this time.  He was very much a clinger initially that would, I think, become more of an on and offer.  His anger towards me was real.  What exactly he was angry about I could only guess.  From what he said, it would be that he felt I didn't contribute enough monetarily to the marriage.  I made half what he did, further affected by the fact that I became critically ill with a potentially terminal sickness and was off work for a great amount of time and the disability wasn't much.  Also the fact that our son had special needs so I did reduce my hours significantly when he was younger due to his therapies and so on.  Interestingly, he would often claim that I worked full time the entire time and just shopped my money away.  Completely blanked that I was off all the time for the reasons just stated.  I know our disabilities played a big factor in his crisis.  Likely anger over the fact that his child would require assistance for the rest of his life, and angry his wife could suddenly pass or also require assistance.  His reason for leaving was "i have cared for everyone my entire life and now it's my turn". 

But back to what his mindset was - there was some indication when, a few years into the crisis (and after they had gotten "engaged", which i'm not supposed to know about) while we were fighting about something that he saw on my FB that made him angry....i think it was a comment an ex boyfriend from high school had made (should be noted here that we did reconnect when it seemed to me that husband wasn't coming back)...he stood over me and yelled "YOU ARE MY WIFE!!!" The indication there being that he was one messed up, half baked cookie. 


You posted that he returned and still maintained his OW. Did you see this as cake eating? Not questioning your judgement as I feel we all have to deal with our situation the best we can, but I am sure you got an earful from friends in Real Life. Or maybe you didn't. Once again, just wondering.


I didn't initially see it as cake eating at all.  I saw it as a mutually beneficial financial arrangement which would keep our son in the program that he was thriving in and us in our home for another three years, unless we agreed to sell beforehand.  I didn't see this as a potential reconciliation and one of things he had to agree to was to finally sign off on the separation agreement with the added addendum that this was not a reconciliation.  Our financials, at that point, had been signed off on and he had already started paying support - and continues to do so.  He was open about the fact that he still spent time with her occasionally but wanted to be clear that it was over, that she wouldn't get in the way of our agreement, that he no longer felt the way he thought he had felt about her - basically the blinders were off where she was concerned.  We also didn't have that type of relationship when he returned.  We first had to become 'friends'.  We were roommates, at best.  Sometimes shared dinners or drinks but mostly each doing our own thing.  As time went on, he no longer felt the need to go out as often and chose instead to spend more time at home, planning dinners, watching shows, sharing a bottle of wine and getting to know each other.  Then he started making plans with us.  Doing a few more things together as a family and affection followed closely behind.  I don't believe I do see it as cake eating in the sense that he was enjoying the best of both worlds.  I believe it was more a case of him gauging my interest.  The more I responded in kind, the more he stayed home, involved himself more in my day to day stuff. 

Just as an aside, I have to point out that I had long subscribed to the fact that OW was nothing...meant nothing.  And I don't mean meant nothing to husband.  She meant nothing to me.  Their relationship no longer had any effect on me.  I would have been happy had they packed up their circus tent and moved across the continent, that's where I was in my life.  He did attempt a return a full year earlier and I kept putting off that conversation and eventually thought he had returned to making things work with her.  His last request came as a complete surprise to me as I thought he wanted to talk about finally getting a divorce as our house was to be sold within the next month and it seemed like a good time to make good on his commitment to her. 


Now you and your h have an opportunity to create a new history together.


I remain cautiously optimistic!


Hope you continue to post and that things continue to go well for the both of you.

((((Hugs)))

Ready

Thank you, Ready  :)
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Just catching up with everyone's stories after my exam mania.

It was nice to read about your discussion on the porch. The snoring in the cinema also gave me a giggle.

The day of my exam Beast was here watching the kids, and waiting before we went bowling...he was sat on the couch and when I looked over he was softly snoring. I sort of giggled and he woke up and said ''What?! It was a power blink''.   :P
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Hi Mortes - thank you for continuing to travel this road with me :)  and congratulations on your exam!! Such a great achievement!
i love the "power blink"...it sounds so much more productive, intentional - "no, i'm not lazy! i'm powering up!" It's interesting because right in the thick of things, I used to come home to find him sleeping on my couch (he'd be there to watch son when he was younger).  It's like the whole thing was exhausting but there was no rest to be found...except at home.  He'd immediately jump up and bolt out the door, but it got me thinking about how hard they tried to keep all their balls in the air, to keep running, their minds occupied with whatever craziness, just to keep from being alone with their inner voice of reason.  None of it ever was reasonable. 

Nothing earth shattering or ground moving.  Just more closeness and signs of commitment to the situation, the family, to us.  He went to hometown for father's day.  Son and i stayed home, not that we were invited.  But it didn't feel like he was keeping his family separate - more due to the fact that he was on days off and son and i had school and work.  Also having just recently lost my Dad, I wanted to keep things very low key - sharing his favourite dessert with one of his favourite grandsons  :)  Husband hinted a few times previously about how his dad would enjoy some of my baking, so I obliged and he was so happy and grateful.  He came back with rave reviews, his sister even texted me during dessert one night with a picture of one of the tarts being inhaled by all and a big "thank you!".  When he returned he was very affectionate and full of news about his parents wanting to visit for a couple of days - "where are you going to sleep then, husband?  ;D" "with you, where i always sleep.  they...well, i told them...they know things are...."  I finally put an end to his awkwardness by saying "well i guess the jig is up! I suppose if we're to travel together, they likely have some idea...and they are always welcome.  there will lots of good food and drink!" his dad...i guess i can call him FIL, is a big foodie like me.  Back in the day, he'd always hang around me in the kitchen, asking what i was going to do with this or that, sniffing and ooohing, until i'd ask him if he'd like to help and without a missed beat, hands are washed and he's elbows deep in whatever.  Many good times spent with that man in the kitchen.  I see more and more of him in husband.  I feel as though husband was stuck in a defective revolving door that finally gave way after 10 years and released him out the proper side.  he's now back on the move, in seemingly the right direction.  More definite plans made concerning our first big family trip ever over the christmas holidays (in laws included), and more talk about getting our house in order and tackling the big projects, no rushing to get it done but steps to be taken over the coming years.  I still try not to get too involved or enthusiastic with the discussion, keeping my expectations in check, letting him talk and just acknowledging that he is talking rather than what he is saying.  Trust is a biznitch.  i'll believe it when i see it. What keeps me optimistic is he keeps returning to the same discussions, elaborating, reminding himself of things he needs to look into.  again, i'll fully believe it when i see it.  I just let him continue, cheefully "uh huh"ing along, "great idea!" and so on.  I don't nag him about any of it, no "i thought you were going to..." or the like.  I openly appreciate what he accomplishes. I have plans of my own of things i'd like to see happen and i work towards those.  More and more i find him showing more interest in what interests me - not that he'd full on take up much of it, but he is much more supportive and doesn't mock me like he used to.  I know he very much looks forward to our end of day sit outside with a drink and music or whatever on the tv, just chatting and planning.  Once dinner is done and things are tidied, he's quick to "get things set up" and sure enough, i find him out there with our chairs pulled out, music is playing, a soft spot for me to put up my feet.  Total contentment until the bugs chase us back inside. 

Noting the date today, it's been 9 years since he told me he wasn't happy and that he wanted to leave.  he would linger for another two months but 9 years ago this week...maybe next? ha! who can remember anymore? 9 years ago this week, the ground violently jerked beneath my feet.  looking back, i can honestly say that while i did stumble...at times repeatedly, i never stayed down, and eventually i was able to surf, dodge, and knock down everything he tossed at me.  I'm super proud of the fact that i can stand on any mode of public transportation without ever having to actually touch anything, my balance is that good - i thank MLC for that  ;D  And, of course, this forum for its incredible support, knowledge, and empathy - so many of us were pulled through those seemingly interminable black days and, in some cases literally, live to see another day because of a kind word, a word of understanding, shared experiences...knowing that it's "not just me...is it?" "NOPE! it's not!"  i honestly and sincerely don't know where i would have landed without this place and the people in it so many years ago. And it's not just because husband seems to be on his right path finally, it's mostly because I was able to find my right path and grow into the person I was supposed to be, that i'm happy being.  I really don't know that i could have accomplished that on my own.  so...to those who were there for me in the beginning and those who are there for all of us now, thank you! Wishing you all a Happy Summer and positive progress!
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Ah that image of him pulling out the chairs and the foot stool and playing the music.

That says it all really doesn't it?  :)
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hi Mortesbride - like he said the other night when i pulled a frosty glass out of the ice maker for his beer "it's the little things  :) "

cruising threads and a bit of journaling:

Things are on a steady forward march.  Funny how I hesitate to say that because, historically, that would have brought on a kick in the teeth...but i'm saying it because that's how it is.  The theme at home these days is comfort, contentment, and optimism. Plans are being made and goals that would see us well into the future are being set.  What i'm seeing now that i find quite interesting is the 'shedding' of what no longer matters and a more definite alignment to what really does.  Home, family, peace, comfort - matters.  Nights at the bar, preoccupations about what's next, clinging to youth - matters not. His actions around the house are deliberate, he seems so sure about everything...settled in.  hahaaa! the other night i likened it (in my head...we still don't dig too deeply about anything - it's not that it's swept under any rug, it's around us and we do allude to it every so often...timing..?), anyway, i likened it to getting to camp, setting up, and then finally that moment where you plop down on the chair you set for yourself between the fire and the cooler with a view of the lake...lean back and PPPSSHHHH the beer - and that's him, settled!

So i'm working on "my next career".  something i'd like to do casually/part-time for the next few years with the hopes that when i'm ready to start my next career due to early retirement or modest lottery win, i've already got all the groundwork laid and connections established.  I'm having my own little crisis concerning how I spend a great deal of my precious time and effort to make enough to pay for a home i get very little time to enjoy.  There is no work/home balance.  and i want more quality of life for the quantity of time i have left, you know?  Time to follow some bliss :)
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stopping by to catch up a bit and update my journal.

we just got back from camping and it was an amazing few days.  we used to camp yearly with husband's family at one of the most beautiful spots i've ever seen, surrounded by many things to do and see and eat and drink....i missed it all so so much during our separation.  Well, it hasn't changed at all! if anything, it's even better.  Husband and son went down a few days earlier to set up as i couldn't get away from work at that time.  I had to meet up with husband just outside of the park as additional vehicle parking rates are terrible....might as well get a whole site for just the car at their prices.  Anyway, SIL's boyfriend/husband/partner...we'll call him BIL, whom i have never met - it's been 9 years, you know - was with him and immediately marched right up, swatted my outstretched hand away, and hugged me because "family members hug...they don't shake hands".  When we got to the site, the big hugs continued.  Much joy and no awkwardness even when husband grabbed my bags and told me he'd put them in "our" tent. I guess his family now knows we've reconnected  ;)  We went wine tasting - so! good!! - then came back and spent the late afternoon/early evening on the beach.  Later that evening, husband asked if son and i would like to go see the sunset down at the beach so of course we all headed over.  Right behind us came BIL with a camera "SIL wants a family picture for her picture wall back home" so there we all three posed, all wrapped together, for our first picture together in over 10 years.  It's beautiful :)  We all spent the next few days on the beach, just chatting about anything and everything.  Husband and I made sunday brunch for everyone and BIL captured the whole thing on his Go Pro...once he gets home, he'll be able to recharge it and then will send us the video.  What made me smile so huge was FIL siddling up next to me while i was cooking, like he used to, making yummy noises and asking questions, and MIL fluttering around like a hummingbird, as she does, making sure i had everything i needed.  Can't wait to see the video.  It really was such a wonderful time.  When we got home, i sent MIL a quick text to let them know we had made it safely, she responded and signed off with "I love you, Sweetie!"

now the plan is to figure out how to retire early.  we've decided that we were meant for the leisurely living by the water kind of life  8)
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What a lovely story to share, DCD...and one I'm sure was normal before BD but that you never imagined would be normal again.

I think you had a separation agreement and when he moved back it was not with a reconciliation hat but more of a practical one where finances were kept separate? Does that make it tricky now if you start to make joint plans for retirement or have things evolved?
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T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

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What sweet well fought for memories!!!
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Married 20 years
Husband is 43
Me-39
4 kids 6-15 years old

BD-October 2018-ILYBNIL, wants a divorce, this after I found out about OW 1(EA), OW2(PA) no longer together.  I believe he is single. 
April 2019 He got an apartment and moved out.
Oct 2019-Apologized for a years worth of monster behavior.  Still wants to start divorce this Spring, is distant, but friendly.  Tries more with kids, but mostly just helps haul them around(superficial).
Spring 2019 H agreed to put off the divorce another school year to keep the kids and I from moving back to TX.
2020-He has continued to help out when asked and be polite.  I do think he questions his choices at times.  I do not believe he has OW.

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I just love everything about this update.
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Me 49
H 47
S13
BD 5/16
H Moved out 6/16
OW--yes. Worked for H. EA turned into PA while I was in chemo. On again/off again like every high school romance

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Thank you, Treasur, Finding Joy and KeepItTogether :)

Treasur, he did ask to move back home for financial reasons and to be present for our son.  He didn't have that much of a relationship with our son outside of his one weekend every five, the odd weeknight dinner, and the phone call that son would initiate when he got home from school.  One thing that i didn't mention about this camping weekend but should be noted is how attached my son became to BIL.  He had spent 10 days with SIL and BIL earlier this month and BIL devoted all his attention.  Took him swimming every day, helped him become comfortable with the different water floaties and boards, taught him water safety (he's a diver) and set him on a routine of noting what was needed for outings, gathering everything up, as well as putting everything in its spot.  They were constant companions and husband really noticed this attachment.  It seemed to put him on notice that maybe his parenting game was lacking....and it was!

Financially, the plan was to work on the massive debt we both accumulated over the past decade, really.  Our financial agreement had been signed off on and he continues to pay me support - both spousal and child, although now son has aged out so that same amount goes to household bills and so on. We wouldn't sell the house, as we were supposed to under the separation agreement, and son would remain in his program at the school he's currently attending.  Initially it went along like this for a few months, while we became much friendlier and were able to spend more and more time together.  We now live as a married couple.  he admits to people that he's married to me  ;D.  As far as retirement, as part of the financial agreement, he was to pay me the agreed amounts (pension and so on) from his portion of the sale of the house.  More recently, he informed me that he never took my name off as beneficiary to his pension.  as well, i am still named as beneficiary to his life insurance and work place insurance that will provide money should he pass away while still employed (he's a first responder). and I also noticed that he still has me on his car insurance.  Currently, our retirement financial plan A is a lottery win  ;D.  But no doubt, a conversation needs to happen going forward.  I guess, for my part, i've been waiting for firmer ground before we start hashing that out. Historically, money is a hot button for this guy and a few of our issues in the past had stemmed from this.  Not sweeping this under the rug.  Just trying to select the appropriate hill for this battle - hopefully one with a lovely, peaceful view  and pretty flowers  ;)  We've definitely become better communicators - this will be the test!
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Husband has been home 19 months.  On the whole, especially over the past year, i feel we've been steadily rebuilding and solidifying our relationship.  More recently, he's been exhibiting much more tenderness, care and even concern.  If we do get into any discussions that end up in rocky territory, we take care to talk it out and resolve it.  Nobody goes to bed or leaves the house in a snit!  This doesn't happen much at all but it did happen earlier this week when a friend of mine texted me about going away together.  When husband left, this friend, my BF, took me to NYC with her and her husband (he was on business) and we shopped and ate and drank and laughed - it was truly the best escape from my crumbling world.  We made it an almost yearly trip (thanks to BF's husband's points and perks) and it's always been the best time.  This hasn't happened for the last few years and my BF has since moved away to another city.  We still keep in close touch but i don't get to see her face often and i miss her dearly.  Anywho, she texted asking me if I'd like to go (this year, just me and her...no husband!) and, of course, i excitedly told husband.  he seemed less than thrilled and then seemed to get irritated the more i fluttered around digging out my passport (it's not until November but why wait until the last minute??), checking dates and so on.  I noticed his change in demeanor right away but didn't feel the need to question...it's not MY problem.  At any rate, he got angry that i wasn't eating supper.  I had made supper and said to them that i wasn't really hungry so they could go ahead and eat.  He decided to save some for me and when he told me that, i had said "no thank you.  I'm really not hungry".  And then it started.  He started going on about priorities (eating supper over being excited about a trip i've always thoroughly enjoyed and am so very much looking forward to...?).  Finally i asked him why he couldn't just be happy for me as i am always happy for him when he reconnects with his friends, most recently just last month for a fishing/golf weekend.  He then tried to turn it around as me brushing off the fact that they saved me some food to eat and i didn't seem very appreciative of that .... ok... :o  So, even at this end of the tunnel, he's rewriting history that occurred 5 minutes previous.  At any rate, i'm still not sure why it bothers Mr. I've Been To Every Caribbean Island with My OW Every Year for Seven Years and Not Once Did I Ever Take My Own Wife, but we managed to sort it out and ended with him working out a time with his work for me to go so he can be home with son.  All good!

Another interesting happening this past week - husband received word that the wife of an old work friend had suddenly passed away.  Their 14-year-old son found her in respiratory distress and called 911.  There wasn't anything that could be done.  Apparently, she was found to have been in septic shock due to an undetermined infection of some sort.  Husband was visibly shaken and he stayed pretty close to me the rest of the night.  When I pulled into the driveway after work yesterday evening, he was sitting on the front porch with a big smile on his face and not at all hiding the fact that he was happy to see me.  He said "i heard your train pull in so was waiting.  But then i heard ambulances and fire trucks.... i was really worried! i walked down to the end of the street but then didn't have my phone so came back home.  i was worried" We sat outside for a bit longer while son brought in the take out i had picked up and set the table.  Husband then started talking about everything he wanted to do around the house, plans for "our" bedroom, the landscaping, raising and expanding my flower beds, new walkway, new furniture for the living room.  He had been researching costs of supplies and where to find really big rocks that he wanted to incorporate into the garden beds - he has a plan, man! He obviously has a picture in his head of what he wants and who am i to get in the way of that?  More flowers for me!!  :D

What i really enjoy is listening to him talk about investing in our home, making it comfortable for our family, beyond the basic upkeep.  In the past, it had always been me bringing up these types of things only to have him respond with something along the lines of "lookit you, little miss moneybags -  there are more important things".  This really is something new for him and honestly something i used to envy when i would hear my friends talking about plans they had with their husbands to upgrade their homes or other special projects.  What i also find interesting is my reaction to this.  Previously, i would have ran whole hog into planning and coordinating and be all "OK!! LETS DO THIS!!!" like a child being given permission to finally do something but also afraid that permission could be revoked at any time so RUN!!! Now i'm happy to calmly follow his lead.  After all, he does have a well thought out plan that, coincidentally, checks many of my boxes, too! 

Something i would like to do, separate from his plans, is redo the garage.  This whole summer, we've been using it as a sort of family room.  We back onto beautiful conservation area but the bugs (and fire ants) out back can be a problem. Let's just say it's lovely to look out onto through the window. There is a tv in there with cable, a well-stocked bar fridge, a small stereo.  We've been spending evenings "tailgating" in our driveway, barbequeing, watching movies, listening to music - him smoking cigars.  I have been hoping to find a great sale on solid patio furniture, maybe a sectional, and working at purging the junk.  It has the potential of being a great three season family cave.   Funny enough, we've noticed other people have started doing the same.  We joke about being the street's rednecks but at this rate, i guarantee that by next summer, it'll be a nightly street party with a bunch of families spilling out onto their driveways.  We've met many neighbours out for nightly walks....it's been a great summer! 

this morning i received an email from a lady who runs a weekly street market for artisans in my area, asking if i'd be interested in a spot.  I'm thrilled for this opportunity but have much to do to prepare.  i've actually been working on something new that is going so much better than anticipated so i'm excited to be able to put it out there for some feedback.  I love it...surely others must, too, right?  ;D 
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What a lovely update DCD, thank you. Always enjoy reading how you and your R re-building work are going.

I've just moved into the little house my H and I built as a rental (finished just weeks before he left for the OW) and have set up the front deck for outside living. We're just going into spring here though so the days are warming up but the mornings and evenings are still super chilly and we haven't been able to use it much yet. I can't wait until we have some warmer evenings so we (D18, friends and me) can have evenings out there.
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M: 50 (48 @ BD)
H: 53 (51 @ BD)
Married 20yrs, together 23yrs
D: 21 (19 @ BD)
D: 19 (17 @ BD)
'Extra D': 19 (17 @ BD)
BD (that I didn't recognise as such) Easter 2018
BD 9th Sep 2018
OW (45, now 47) - he met her in the pub a week before BD, told me about her a week after BD. Thinks 'their planets have collided' because 'their eyes met across the room' and they had an 'instant connection'. Lives with her. Is building a life with her. Jun 20: H plans to buy a block of land and build a house with her.

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Hi Evermore :)  That sounds perfect - I hope your weather has warmed up enough for your to start enjoying your little piece of paradise.  It makes all the difference to have a peaceful place to enjoy and share with those you love best. Thank you so much for following my story.

I note that the last time I updated, husband had been home for 19 months.  We’re now at 20 months and the ex girlfriend is still making rumbles in the background.  Earlier last month, she had started messaging husband again.  He didn’t mention this to me initially but brought it up a few days ago.  We were out in our garage, as we do  ;D, waiting for the baked potatoes to finish baking when a text came through from his mentor friend (whom he hasn’t actually seen for a couple of months now, they're still in fairly frequent contact) telling him that ex girlfriend is starting maternity leave that weekend.  I said that it must be nice to know that he could start going back to the pub he loved so much, to which he said “yeah…not likely”.  I asked why and that’s when he showed me the recent texts.  The first one came earlier last month and the tone was kind and forgiving.  She told him about how her boyfriend had given her a large amount of money so she would have no worries about going on maternity leave and losing out on her bartending wages and tips.  The large amount of money, it turns out, was the lump sum child support payment that her boyfriend had received from his well off ex or soon to be ex wife.  She also went on to say that husband was welcome back to the pub and that he should come by.  He thanked her and wished her well on her upcoming maternity leave.  Still a bit gun shy over the crap she pulled that threatened his job promotion.  She texted back insisting that he come by the pub to which he responded that he had lots going on right now but best of luck with the mat leave.  She stopped responding but then likely hopped on my FB through her business page and snooped through my stuff to see what was keeping him occupied.

Her next texts were of a different tone altogether.  She demanded to know if he was back with me, why the hell is he taking me camping and building me planter boxes?  She called him names, a liar, told him that his wife (me) would be very interested to know the truth about him (no surprises there, I’m sure…I know how low he can go).  She again texted “are you back with your wife??” to which he responded that none of it is her business and that they both need to move on.  She texted again that he was a liar and a cheater.  He didn’t respond but the next morning he woke up to another text where she told him he was no longer welcome to the pub and that if she even suspected he was around, she’d call her contact at professional standards again to re-initiate her complaint against him.  He responded that not once has he ever initiated contact with her, not once has he gone near her or the pub, and could she please stop with the harassing texts.  He told me that she’d be fine if he had found someone else to move on with but the fact that he returned to me was a particular slap in the face.  He told me that she had always been obsessed with me and while she *seems* to have moved on with her life, she still doesn’t want him to be with me.  I have never met this person.  I have never once had any form of conversation with her.  Her favourite rant is “it’s always been your wife.  You used me and lied to me”.  I guess it’s the principle of the thing? I have always been a point of contention between them.  More recently, she's been going up to mutual acquaintances saying "can you believe he went back to his wife? HA!...sad!" The worst thing I’ve ever done to her was be the excuse he used for him not to fully commit to her. And even then, that was all on him. I was already on the road to living my best life without him.

Anyway, all this facebook stuff is speculation (albeit on the nose), because I never post anything to do with husband directly.  I told him I could now see why he gets a little weird about me taking pictures, worried that I’d post them. He made the decision long ago to not have FB so I respect that he doesn’t want himself posted all over it.  But I can’t help what the inlaws comment ;) and I told him as much.  I also told him that I will not walk on eggshells because of this – not my circus and all.  He said “you know what? You shouldn’t have to.  Post what you want”.  I won’t change how or what I post but I’m not going to worry about it, either.

It did, however, motivate me to look up her profile (I was blocked but I guess no longer) and there she is in all her glory, wide open so she can properly share her latest rant concerning an article she posted about narcissism (posted after his last response to her).  In it, she describes her harrowing escape from 10 years of torment at the hands of the narcissist, how he harassed and lied and said horrible things about her because she had the balls to finally leave him.  How the harassment continued to the point where she had to report it to his superiors and yet it still continued because this narcissist had the “career” and “prestige” and she had to be seen as the bad person.  How everyone who knows her knows but sadly how with his charms he was able to continue to fool others.  She now has the relationship she deserves with a great guy but she has to deal with the mental damage on a daily basis.  I didn’t share any of this with husband.  Makes a person wonder how long someone can hang on to the bitterness.  I get that he lied to her and made promises that he really had no intention of keeping but when does a person finally say “enough of this”, drop the rope and move on? Especially while over eight months pregnant with another man’s child.  I said to husband “karma, right?  might take her sweet time, but she’ll get ya!” to which he readily agreed and added “yup! And if she thinks a baby will make things right in her world…” so he totally missed my point, but I was right there to get him back on track “no…I meant you and your choices”.  “oh yeah, that…” baby steps.

On a much happier note to end our weekend, husband helped me finish a project my Dad and I had started not too long before he passed.  I hadn’t been able to look at it for a while but finally decided I had to finish it.  I asked husband if he would help me and he was very agreeable.  Long story short (I know, already way too late),  we now have a piece of furniture that we proudly call our family treasure that both my Dad and husband completed together – particularly sweet considering how much husband loved and admired my Dad.  Can’t begin to explain how full my heart is right now.  Another great weekend :)
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DCD....glad to see H is moving forward.  Love that he helped with your project!  That is awesome! 
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10.29.17 BD-Moved out to OW/A began in  6.17
3.5.18 OW moved away/H moved in with F
3.19.18  H moved home into spare room 
7.14.18  Moved to be with OW (another state)
9.4.18  Moved back-Living with Parents 
11.1.18  OW moved back.  H living w/her in D's basement room. 
11.18 - H started visiting on holidays
11.26.19 Call from H.  BIL died suddenly.
1.19 - H announced to my inner circle that he moved to sisters  inc all belongings
2.19  H volunteers to house and dog sit whenever.
Spring 19  H visiting house and doing chores on a regular basis
7.20 OW2 Confirmed  5 hours away  Monthy visits  Was hiding her!

4.83 Started Dating
8.10.85  Married

D -29 Married with 2 children 
S - 27 Engaged in Prof School
3 Dogs (he left them all behind

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It is almost as if we live in some sorta terrible day time tv sitcom.

About to have a baby, harassing someone else's husband, then ranting about being a victim on facebook.

Wow...I really wanna be her right now.  ::)
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You know this is MLC when you have played emotional hot potato with a pair of crotch-less tights.

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Hmmmmmm, wonder how OW's current flame (a/k/a father of her unborn child) feels about her unhealthy preoccupation with her "past" relationship. But I assume he is broken as well since he is with her. And she sure sounds like a peach. It's funny, I'm guessing her personality was always like this. But well, while someone is in MLC, they perhaps do not see all the cracks as well. And now that H has had some time, space and healing, looks like he is seeing her for the psycho she likely always has been.

Your comment about karma had me LOLing!

Love the furniture story. How wonderful!
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H 47
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H Moved out 6/16
OW--yes. Worked for H. EA turned into PA while I was in chemo. On again/off again like every high school romance

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Well, the one thing I have learned now is that there are way more disordered folks out there than I ever knew..sometimes the sheer stupidity of it all is just staggering to me.   ::)
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T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

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Thank you so much, SIA, Morte, KIT and Treasur, for stopping by and for your encouraging words!

SIA and KIT - I am so pleased with how the piece turned out.  Now that I know just how handy and talented husband can be ...  ;D , I see future creative collaborations!

It is almost as if we live in some sorta terrible day time tv sitcom.

About to have a baby, harassing someone else's husband, then ranting about being a victim on facebook.

Wow...I really wanna be her right now.  ::)

Right??? It's always happy fun times living in Delusional-isneyland - the ultimate Fantasy Land featuring Magic Mountain Out of Molehills, It's A Small World So It's Perfectly OK to Shack Up With Another's Spouse, and where all rollercoasters are full of loose screws and all funnel cakes are half baked  ;D hahaaa!!


Well, the one thing I have learned now is that there are way more disordered folks out there than I ever knew..sometimes the sheer stupidity of it all is just staggering to me.   ::)

Amen! I'm pretty sure THIS is the zombie apocalypse everyone is talking about. 

Thanks again, Ladies - have a wonderful day  :)
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« Last Edit: October 01, 2019, 05:33:01 AM by DCD »
some days are yellow
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DCD....you just made me laugh so hard!
Quote
Amen! I'm pretty sure THIS is the zombie apocalypse everyone is talking about. 

So hilarious!  Love it!
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10.29.17 BD-Moved out to OW/A began in  6.17
3.5.18 OW moved away/H moved in with F
3.19.18  H moved home into spare room 
7.14.18  Moved to be with OW (another state)
9.4.18  Moved back-Living with Parents 
11.1.18  OW moved back.  H living w/her in D's basement room. 
11.18 - H started visiting on holidays
11.26.19 Call from H.  BIL died suddenly.
1.19 - H announced to my inner circle that he moved to sisters  inc all belongings
2.19  H volunteers to house and dog sit whenever.
Spring 19  H visiting house and doing chores on a regular basis
7.20 OW2 Confirmed  5 hours away  Monthy visits  Was hiding her!

4.83 Started Dating
8.10.85  Married

D -29 Married with 2 children 
S - 27 Engaged in Prof School
3 Dogs (he left them all behind

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Good Morning SIA - we need to find the humour, don't we? Glad i was able to contribute a little bit  ;D
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you'd be surprised how many ways
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today would have been our 21st anniversary.  I say 'would have been' even though we are still married but because 10 of those years were spent estranged from each other, they don't count and i'm not sure the 20 or so past months that he's been home count either.  Last year at this time, no mention was made of the date but a few days before what would have been our 20th, husband took son and me out for a beautiful meal at what's traditionally been our celebration spot "just because".  This year he is working nights and this morning he brought me a big cup of coffee and a pastry...although he does that anyway.  I won't be mentioning the date to him.  Supper tonight will be a quick do before he heads back to work for the night and i'm totally ok with that.  I no longer greet this day with much more thought or emotion than any other day, and i'm ok with that, too!

Things continue to go well and in the right direction.  Late last week, we had two snippy incidents which resulted in a 'talk'.  It touched on communication and concern about falling back into old patterns.  We were able to turn the negative into a pretty great positive, all while clearing up some questions and sharing some concerns.  The big one we both shared was how the other felt about our reconnection and where we hope it will lead - we agree we've indeed reconnected and our goal is complete reconciliation.  This is what we're both working towards by open communication and total transparency.  For his part, husband wanted to be completely clear that ow is firmly behind him, that whole "time in my life..." (by this i assume he meant his "crisis" but he wouldn't exactly label it that way - i have joked recently about his MLC and his response was "i'm not having a MLC....anymore") is done, has passed.  I assured him, and i mean it, that i will not hold her over his head ever, that I'm not condoning what he did but that my time and energy are now focused on the present and the future.  While he had moved on with her, I had moved on myself without regret.  He took this opportunity to ask me if there was anyone else in my life.  I told him there was previously (which he nodded emphatically and murmured "i know there was...", but no one at all since the day he moved back in 20 months before, and absolutely no one that I would be interested in pursuing if given the chance.  He asked again "really?" and told him "really! no interest at all in anyone else". He assured me that he felt the same way.  I then looked him straight in the eyes and said "i'm happy with how things are going between us and i really want this to work"  He replied "me too.  I really want this to work, as well".  Neither of us are perfect.  We both know there are things about the other that can rub the wrong way but we also know that we can talk it out without feeling criticized or blamed.  We work best when we tackle things from the same side, focused on our shared goal. 

We had our Thanksgiving this past weekend and were amazed at how much of our meal came out of our garden - middle of October and still the garden provides :) We had a really great weekend.  The ground feels so much firmer under our feet. 
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Awesome update!  So happy for you!  Thank you for sharing!
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10.29.17 BD-Moved out to OW/A began in  6.17
3.5.18 OW moved away/H moved in with F
3.19.18  H moved home into spare room 
7.14.18  Moved to be with OW (another state)
9.4.18  Moved back-Living with Parents 
11.1.18  OW moved back.  H living w/her in D's basement room. 
11.18 - H started visiting on holidays
11.26.19 Call from H.  BIL died suddenly.
1.19 - H announced to my inner circle that he moved to sisters  inc all belongings
2.19  H volunteers to house and dog sit whenever.
Spring 19  H visiting house and doing chores on a regular basis
7.20 OW2 Confirmed  5 hours away  Monthy visits  Was hiding her!

4.83 Started Dating
8.10.85  Married

D -29 Married with 2 children 
S - 27 Engaged in Prof School
3 Dogs (he left them all behind

S
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Thanks DCD, it's wonderful to see reconciliation is possible.  Your communication is great, all things need to be transparent for this to work.
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"And when they ask you about me and you find yourself thinking back on all of our memories,
I hope you ache in regret as the truth hits you like a bullet and you find yourself replying: ""She loved me more than anyone else in the entire world and I tried to destroy her."  He failed by the way. 
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8412(Denjef's thread)

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DCD

Very nice to read your post.

It sounds like you both are on the same wave length.  That’s really good!

I hope things continue to progress positively


Hugs

L
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M -58,  ExH - 64 (56 at BD)
M - 33 years (do the last 3 years count?)
D - 28, D -24, S - 24 (only S 24 at home)
BD 5/29/2010, Ran away from home - 8/15/2010,
Found out about affair - 2/11
H asks for divorce - 8/11
H filed for divorce 10/11
Announced "new" girlfriend 12/12 (3rd OW)
Divorce final 06/13 (I decided to finish it)
Dumped OW#3 9/15 (After 4 years)
Seeing OW#1 again
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but no one at all since the day he moved back in 20 months before, and absolutely no one that I would be interested in pursuing if given the chance.  He asked again "really?" and told him "really! no interest at all in anyone else".


Always interesting how they seem to assume we are all cut from the same cloth.  So un-trusting. Well, you get a "Happy Anniversary" from me b/c you did weather a most unpleasant storm for 10 long years, and look at you both now.  :)
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Me 49
H 47
S13
BD 5/16
H Moved out 6/16
OW--yes. Worked for H. EA turned into PA while I was in chemo. On again/off again like every high school romance

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Good morning and thank you, Sam I am, Savoir Faire, limitless, and KeepItTogether, for following along and for the kind words :)

Still plugging along.  We've had a couple of spats, mostly little moments of MLC man and me not putting up with it/reinforcing my boundaries.  There are still some "behavioural" type issues but i see them for what they are and meet them head on.  During one of our discussions, I calmly explained to him that there were certain things I will no longer abide and WILL call him on.  These things include: gaslighting, projection, and the inability to admit fault.  He still needs to be seen as right and good.  I told him if one of his goals was to regain my respect, he was skipping down the wrong track because not only is it hard to respect someone who says one thing then immediately (like within a minute) denies it and someone who projects their own shortcomings onto others, but it also makes me truly embarrassed for him - seriously! Who does he think he's kidding??  Fool me once – never again!  We were watching a movie Hallowe’en night that a friend of mine had worked on, and I had wanted to see if I could find him in the closing credits.  It brought out a bit of nasty that, again, was a bit embarrassing to watch.  He was jealous that I had any interest in waiting to see a guy’s name.  The thing is, if it had been a friend of his, he’d likely do the same…because let’s face it, it’s kind of cool and I’m happy that my long-time friend from way way back was doing well in his chosen field.  I ignored and kept looking. Anyway, he continued to grumble and mumble something about it which then led to more grumbling about how I’m not as excited to watch the news when he thinks he might be on (he’s a first responder)  ::)  When it was done, he then went on about how he doesn’t appreciate having his time wasted (notice the toddler pattern here…don’t get a rise initially, so step up the tantrum)…this from a guy who can watch the same football/hockey/whatever replay over and over and over on a loop.  I told him that no more time would be wasted because I’m off to bed.  Now historically, I would have been flopping around in bed, all worked up over him being in a mood but instead, I slept so well  ;D.  I figure he’s going to have his moments, but I don’t have to attach my little red wagon to them.  Go off, have your little pi$$y fit, which I will happily call you on and label as such, then come find me when you want to adult.
 
The next day, he was sheepish and very accommodating – but no apology for the childish behaviour (no expectations on my part!) – and he proposed a date night on Saturday.  We were then invited out to a dinner party the same night which we were happy to accept.  This was the first time we’ve been out with friends as a “couple” in a decade!! And then it immediately struck me that the last time we had been out as a couple, it was with these very same people – the long stretch of time was mentioned several times over the course of the evening.  Husband plays hockey with the husbands and apparently one of them had suggested a couple of times in recent weeks that we should all get together.  I wondered for a bit what they must have thought about me showing up after a decade with a newer model - judging by the wonderful reception I got, it could have only been good things.  Such a fun evening with lots of laughs.  According to husband, it had been a very LONG time since he’d been to “one of these things” so I guess it’s likely that OW wasn’t often extended an invitation, if ever.  We both agreed that we are looking forward to many more evenings like this which is so much easier now that son no longer needs a sitter. What a difference a decade makes  ;D
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some days are yellow
some days are blue
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you'd be surprised how many ways
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 - dr. seuss

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Incredible to read it's been 10 years since you went out together with your friends.  Must feel really strange.  You're doing a great job not allowing any disrespect and setting boundaries for his behavior.

We all hope things continue on this positive note.  I'm sure your attitude has a lot to do with the progress.it's a hell of a ride ::)
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"And when they ask you about me and you find yourself thinking back on all of our memories,
I hope you ache in regret as the truth hits you like a bullet and you find yourself replying: ""She loved me more than anyone else in the entire world and I tried to destroy her."  He failed by the way. 
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8412(Denjef's thread)

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Thank you, Savoir Faire, for your kind words. 
Happy New Year to all - wishing us all peace and comfort.
We spent an amazing Christmas/New Year at home this year.  This has been the first Christmas in our home in over 10 years.  Our initial plan was to go somewhere tropical but it didn't quite pan out that way.  I was quite relieved for my own reasons but didn't share - i was fully prepared to go and do my best to enjoy.  The next option was Christmas in hometown with the in-laws.  I was very relieved for a few reasons that also fizzled - firstly, it's the first Christmas without both of my parents.  I still struggle with the loss of my Mom and Dad (misty now just thinking about them...although more often than before, my memories of them make me smile instead of ache), and the thought of being in hometown without being able to be with them is something i'm still struggling with.  Almost as important, my in-laws are super busy people.  It's becoming painfully obvious that they feel that if they just stop for one moment, they'll dry up and die.  It's become ridiculous how much they sign up for, how many events and outings and dinner parties...and worse, how insulted they become when we "youngins" bow out and instead want to relax and just enjoy each others' company.  My feeling is part of the reason they want us to accompany them everywhere is to be designated drivers. It was husband who, surprisingly, suggested we stay home - again, i was prepared to go and participate.  We invited husband's sister and her husband to join us and they happily accepted.  It had been a very long time since i spent such a relaxing and enjoyable Christmas without expectations and demands....just good food and drink with great, like-minded company. 

I had to go in to work the Friday after Christmas so husband, son, sister and brother in law took the opportunity to go to hometown and spend time with the in laws.  Not long after they arrived, husband messaged stating he wanted to come home hahaaa!  His parents had every moment of their time organized and committed to parties and events.  When husband declined and questioned their need to be so busy all the time, his father (of all people...usually it's his mother) sniped back that surrounding yourself with good people elevates you and then some other bits about "using it or losing it".... it sounded very scripted and not only was husband hurt by his Dad's unexpected tone, he was worried about the pressure his Dad might be under thanks to the always planning, always moving, always busy Mom.  Mom, on the other hand, seems to be becoming more aggressive and losing grip of her filter.  I later questioned whether there might be an aspect of early dementia to which husband and SIL were both in agreement. Another potentially alarming situation that is unfolding is the more recent addition of a young couple to their social circle.  MIL and FIL are the oldest couple, doing their best to keep up.  This new young couple seems to be hanging very close to them and husband and SIL are suspicious of their intentions.  As none of MIL and FIL's children live close by, this couple keeps joking that they could be their new adopted children and now the fear is that they will try to take advantage.  MIL chalks it up to being the cool older couple they look up to.  Husband mentioned that one of his fears is that his parents are being laughed at and used as entertainment among other potentially more damaging reasons. FIL, thankfully, is a bit suspicious and keeping his distance. Finally, because of the tension and predicted poor weather, husband suggested it might be prudent to leave a day or so early. Mom and Dad were quick to respond that it was likely a good idea and the feeling then was that MIL and FIL were happy to see them go as they were harshing their mellow or whatever the busy kids are saying these days.  They were all back Sunday evening and we happily continued on with our relaxed celebrations, welcoming in the New Year in our PJs with champagne and chocolate fondue. 

Husband was genuinely pleased with his holidays at home as well.  He was full of compliments about my cooking, decor and preparations, and assisted immensely in every way. He was the perfect hosting partner. He's already planning more opportunities to entertain, wanting to upgrade, replace, add new things to our home to accommodate this.  He is so relaxed and so much more comfortable, even within himself.  He really is a more pleasant, friendly, kind, loving husband than he ever was.  More and more, he seeks out my company and opinions, checks up on me and how i'm doing, and shares what he's doing. While we spend much more time doing things together, we still do our own thing but find ways to do them alongside each other in a parallel play sort of way  ;D,  I learn all about football and he helps me pick out fabric colours for our new bedspread i'm making (its working title right now is "death by a thousand pin pricks").  He no longer mocks things that i like to do that he has no interest in and is much more understanding/accepting and even complimentary, with complete sincerity. I honestly feel very much cared for and I can just as honestly say that i very much care about him.  If either of us are feeling blue or cranky, it's no longer "aw jeez, what did i do now....?  ::)", it's now "what can i do to help?" Our relationship dynamic is now about building up instead of tearing down.  We are a team, both on the same side, without ego or passive aggressiveness.  It's wonderful and so very different from what we came from not just during the past ten years but even before that.  Of course, time will tell if this continues, but i have to say that there is more than enough here for me to stick around and find out. 

Wishing everyone one all the very best in 2020.
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some days are yellow
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you'd be surprised how many ways
i change on different-colored days.
 - dr. seuss

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Enjoyed the update. Seeing the New Year in in PJs with champagne and chocolate sounds grest

May your calm peaceful life continue.

Happy 2020

Enyo X
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Me 61
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M38 years, Together 40 years
S29 & S27
BD Aug/Sept 15
Moved Out Aug16

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DCD, thank you so much for the update. So happy for you!
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Married 1989, together since 1984 
BD May 2014,
D25, D22, S15
OW Physical Affair same one. He and she said she turned 34 the month of BD. She turned 52 this year.

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Thank you, Enyo and Milly, so much for your kind words.

I just made note of the date and this coming weekend marks two years since husband returned home. His wish to return, as he laid out to me at that time, was to be present in his son’s life and for financial reasons. Today, as we have for the past year, we live as husband and wife, lovers and best friends. We have attained a much higher level of comfort and companionship than ever before - something I had honestly never imagined possible.

I’ve been reading over some threads and am so very impressed with most of what I’ve seen. The growth and progress of many I’ve followed is incredible and I believe miles ahead of where I was just a couple of years in. It tells me that the general process works for those who do the work. I am starting to see my life during that time so many years ago as another’s life....much like I view the few years that I was diagnosed, treated, and cured from what was considered a largely terminal illness - I guess my mind’s way of enabling me to remember without physically reliving the pain and fear. Do not get me wrong, I can totally recall the emotions, feelings of helplessness, loneliness, but without the associated anger, bitterness or despair. I truly believe it comes from doing the “work” and continuing to use what I’ve learned to create a fulfilling and happy existence despite what the world throws at me. Much thanks to all who took the time and made the effort to help steady me on my path - look where you got me  :D  Wishing us all a fulfilling and happy existence!
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DCD

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what a difference a few months make, am i right?
Last post was about 5 months ago and the whole world has since been thrown into challenging times. 
On the home front, all continues to go very well.  If I weren't paranoid about jinxing things, on the marriage front i'd say that we are fully reconciled. We have been managing very well with isolating at home - with the small exception of the COVID 15 that we've all gained.  What can i say? we like to eat  ;D
We've been able to travel a bit lately and enjoyed a fantastic week at the beach.  It was amazing to have some normalcy and we were able to enjoy most everything we did while keeping our distance.  It helps to have a good sense of humour and some patience. 
If i had to place husband's location in his journey, i'd say he is in the final stages of settling down.  His actions show he is exactly where he wants to be and my attitude continues to be that i'm happy he feels that way but if that should ever change, i'll be ok with that, too.  We've become quite close with husband's sister and her husband and have been spending time socializing with them, as they are now allowed in our "bubble" of people with which we can congregate. Husband consistently uses the words "we" and "our" and has even corrected me when i referred to something as his.
Most importantly, he and our son now enjoy a very warm relationship with the "i love yous" freely flowing.  He is now seeing in our son what i've seen all along and is finally getting to enjoy the relationship with him that i've been enjoying. No longer does he pick at him (although does enjoy a bit of teasing) - they've reached a much higher level of understanding and closeness that they were never able to achieve before.  My son has a diagnosis of autism and i know this is something that husband had struggled with before.  What i'm seeing now is a Dad who adores his boy and is very proud of the incredible progress he's made and the hard work it took to get him to where he is.  Our son is very warm, highly empathetic despite his exceptionality, very intelligent with a wicked sense of humour, and it makes me grin ear to ear to hear husband talk about his latest doings with such pride. 
I still see some whisperings of self absorption - which i do tease him about and he does admit in a good natured way,  and projection - which i shoot down quickly with a reminder that i will not be pushed or manipulated into believing something that i know to be untrue.  I don't have a problem with admitting when i am wrong and i am embarrassed for people who insist they are right even in the face of evidence proving otherwise - he knows this and he seems to be beginning to realize that his worth as a man doesn't diminish because he got something wrong.  There is still a bit of goofy immaturity in some ways, but it's not malicious and son gets a kick out of it so that's an additional connection they have. 
Husband has set up a plan to aggressively pay down our debts, which is going well.  We're both very fortunate that we continue to work at our jobs during this time and have found that because i'm working from home and we don't go out more than once a week for groceries (although much more recently we've been safely enjoying our local patio), that we've been saving quite a bit of money. One positive for me during these times is i've developed a knack for meal planning and sticking to my prepared weekly shopping list.  For someone who was always stopping at the store on the way home from work each day, this is huge!
In general, i find him to be a relaxed, easy going, somewhat easily pleased, caring, considerate and loving guy, who enjoys his family and his home. Our home, with him in it, has become a real soft place to land.  Husband said it best when we got home from our beach trip (which we thoroughly enjoyed) and he gave me a big hug "i'm SO GLAD to be home!" I am too  :)
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What a nice update, DCD!
And you? Are you happy? Do you feel at ease and able to trust the h you have now?
IIRC BD was 2010.....did he live with an ow?.....and he finally returned home a couple of years ago under the umbrella of living together like roommates for the benefit of your son?

Looking back, or indeed based on what he has said, what do you think was at the core of your h's crisis? And how much of it was about him vs your then marriage? Was he pretty textbook? And how do you see him as changed (or not) from the person he was before BD?
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T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

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Hi Treasur - thank you so much for visiting my thread and for your questions. I very much welcome the opportunity to clarify:

What a nice update, DCD!
And you? Are you happy? Do you feel at ease and able to trust the h you have now?

.....and he finally returned home a couple of years ago under the umbrella of living together like roommates for the benefit of your son?

I'm doing great, thank you for asking :) I am happy and i'm pretty confident in saying that i would be happy if it had gone the other way.  There would have been struggles, it's true, but i had plans and was working towards making a life for my son and me.  Part of that plan was to relocate...not so much to get away from the circus monkeys, but to settle in a new hometown better suited to our new situation, closer to family and friends and just an overall quieter, slower and more relaxed environment.  The settlement i was to receive would have gone a long way to finance this so, of course, i was very resistant to his initial proposal to move back home.  When he asked again, we were now in a position where my son had some alarming medical news (unbeknownst to husband when he asked again but definitely to his advantage), so i felt that it was a situation that i could handle in order to provide our son some stability.  I insisted that he must sign the separation agreement with the addendum stating that his return did not signal a reconcilliation and that everything already decided upon as far as financials remain as is.  With his return, i imagined much needed work being done on the house in the hopes of increasing its value so that when we did finally sell, we would be in a better position to afford our new houses a bit further down the road.
As of today, i can say that i do trust my husband...to an extent.  I guess it's best to say that I trust myself much more.  I will not go back to what once was. I will not put up with the lies, disrespect and manipulation. I will walk away and do so without regret and have told him as much.  He very much knows that he is where he is today because i've allowed him to be.  I will not hold what he did over his head and will not throw anything in his face.  That was the past and it will not be repeated....at least not without the expected consequences.  We are both different people than we once were.  Better people, i think.

IIRC BD was 2010.....did he live with an ow?
He sure did! He told me he was staying at friends' places but he most certainly moved in within a month of leaving.  He had once told me he'd never live with her because she has roommates....she had one roommate: husband. Bomb Drop was June 2010 and he moved out August 2010.  In the months since bomb drop and a couple of years after he moved out, i jumped through hoops and twisted myself into a pretzel to prove to him i could be the wife he wanted but he didn't want a wife.  not one who had been terminally ill just a few years before and considered needy and annoying since. He didn't want a family who relied on him....certainly not a son with special needs.  his exact words: i've looked after others all my life and now it's my turn. Even after i found out about his girlfriend (which was almost a year after he moved out, by the way, as he denied her existence with an amazingly believable "how could you even think i'd do that" tone), he denied her importance and even went on about how little he thought of her.  8+ years is a long time to be with someone you think is a loser.  But then, he'd likely thought that of me and the 12 years we had been together.

Looking back, or indeed based on what he has said, what do you think was at the core of your h's crisis? And how much of it was about him vs your then marriage? Was he pretty textbook? And how do you see him as changed (or not) from the person he was before BD?

I think he turned 40, looked around at his life and the people currently in it, and thought "is this it??".  Family of origin issues have long been blamed for crises occurring at midlife and i don't think it was any different with husband's, at least in part.  He just didn't acquire the tools he needed to deal with issues later on in life.  In his work, he deals with conflict, tragedy, among other horrors that he probably just didn't want to deal with anything remotely dreary at home.  We did not communicate well.  He avoided conflict and i was all about fighting it out.  He has always been pretty self absorbed to an extent but a couple of years before BD, it was growing exponentially.  Everyone was a loser and a jerk and it was always someone else's fault. I did realize something wasn't right and was always asking what was wrong.  It had gotten to a point where we'd start one upping each other instead of just resolving the issue.  You're being an ass so i'll be even more of an ass and that will show you! His Mom is an expert passive aggressor who unabashedly plays favourites.  Husband was always low guy on the totem pole.  His sisters (fraternal twins) are everything to her and he is (was) an after thought - he's the oldest child in the family, born 10 years, quite accidentally, before them.  They were a miracle as she had been told that she'd likely never conceive again. As his parents like to party and socialize, he was left to care for them pretty much right up until he left home for good.  Christmases were hard to take because it was obvious that she put so much thought into the girls (mine included) gifts and little to none into his gifts.  It often seemed like she just bought whatever so there'd be something under the tree for him.  We had been out on a massive shopping weekend, MIL, SILs and myself, and one evening she went on, actually working herself into a bit of a frenzy that even shocked her daughters, about how much of a $h!te husband had been as a teenager (some 20 years before) that he was lucky his dad was around or he would have been out on his arse.  His sisters were bewildered and couldn't remember their brother being that way at all.  So, in a nutshell, that will tell you what kind of dynamic existed between them at that time.  Couldn't even tell you what we were talking about that would have led to that outburst.  So there were FOO issues, for sure.  BUT there were issues within our own marriage that could not be ignored, either.  In the years leading up to BD, i had started comparing our marriage to that of my friends and was finding it lacking, to say the least.  so while i was pushing for him to be more like the other husbands, he was pulling away because he could no longer deal with the responsibilities of being a husband and dad.  The more i pushed, the angrier and detached he became.  It was too late to do anything about it because he was long gone well before BD.  And, quite frankly, i believed i was the long suffering wife and that he was the problem.  If anything, this crisis was our crisis and i had a lot of work of my own to do.  I would never want to return to the person i was before all this.  I actually cringe to think how i have acted and how i've blown things way out of proportion just to feel that i've been heard.  I was impatient, demanding, unreasonable and, at times, out of control.  I know these things to be true.  I was hurting, too, and refused to see where i could have done better, been better. 

That's not to say he didn't have a HUGE part in this - he surely did! He was definitely textbook! I saw the effects of the fog, the childishness...at times beyond ridiculous.  He was mean, vindictive, verbally, emotionally and mentally abusive.  He said horrible things to me and about me.  He stalked me, as did his girlfriend, and then berate me with his interpretations of what i was up to....and then accuse me of doing the same.  Then he'd show up with some groceries or coffee and pastries, sometimes even at my work.  The quieter and more dark i'd go, the meaner he got.  I woke up one night to find him walking past the end of my bed (years after he'd moved out, by the way) towards what i'm pretty sure was my phone on my bedside table.  And when I demanded to know WTF??? he had the nerve to say that he had done so before without me waking up, like it was my fault for waking up and catching him.  He confronted me with things that he had no way of knowing otherwise. He'd show up in the middle of the night "to use the bathroom", even though he now lived 45 minutes away. A few times, when he would take our son to his parents in our hometown, my son would call me and then all of the sudden blurt out "are you trying to listen to what my mom is saying??" followed immediately by husband's gruff denials.  He very much expected me to be sitting on a shelf waiting for him and when i didn't, it drove him nuts. 

The worst of it was how he treated our son.  He'd been gone a few years before i insisted that he needed to spend time with son.  Initially it was supper one night a week.  He refused to set a day of the week for this and would just show up when convenient.  Eventually i told him that he needed to take son some weekends which he refused because he didn't have a place.  I told him he did have a place and that yes he could. At that point, several years in, he had not taken son more than two hours at a time and not every week, as he had promised.   in an effort to put me off, he said that i would need to get ok with son being around girlfriend.  Since he had already snuck around and introduced them months before, i was fine with that stating only "as long as she is respectful and kind, i have no problem with that.  he needs his dad and to be an active part of his dad's new life" That visibly threw him off balance and all he could say to that was that he would make sure son would always be well treated and treated respectively.  Turns out their weekends together rarely involved the girlfriend.  So he started to take son one weekend every five weeks  ::) ...you know because of his work schedule...but not if he happened to have plans and no, he would not make up missed time nor do me a solid if i wanted a weekend away - ok that's a bit of an exaggeration because he did cover a couple of times but the grilling i would get made things seem less worth the effort, so i stopped asking him to "babysit" and made other arrangements which son likely enjoyed more.  Of course, that would drive husband nuts because now i'm sneaking away...one time he actually stood over me and yelled "you're my wife!!!".  It should be mentioned that he had just gotten engaged to his girlfriend - facebook post of the ring followed by facebook congratulations by all  ;D  I have never mentioned that i know that...some things i like to keep close to the vest.

Having shared all that, i would say the biggest single change in husband is his relationship with our son.  I have the most amazing picture of the two of them together from our recent beach trip that damn near brings a tear to my eye.  They stand the exact same way and their smiles so genuine.  A proud dad and his boy.  It took a while for them to reach this point.  Son was nervous about his dad moving back and would often ask me when it would be just the two of us again.  He only recently told me that he is happy his dad is home.  It's a work in progress but already we are seeing the fruits of their labour and they continue to progress in the right direction. 
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some days are yellow
some days are blue
on different days, i'm different too
you'd be surprised how many ways
i change on different-colored days.
 - dr. seuss

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Thanks for the update and for answering Treasur's questions. It was all stuff I was really curious about, too. Fascinating that your H lived with OW for so many years and then came home.
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Married 1989, together since 1984 
BD May 2014,
D25, D22, S15
OW Physical Affair same one. He and she said she turned 34 the month of BD. She turned 52 this year.

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Thank you so much for the update DCD. Your story is one of my favourites because of how candid and real you are when describing your journey (as well as his!). The reminder that we also need to work on ourselves is always a good one to get.

The image of your H and your S at the beach is so lovely. One of the very sad things for me is how disconnected my H has become from our girls. He was always an incredibly hands on dad and had a really well-connected bond with them previous to his MLC. It breaks my heart that he is now OK with just seeing them every few weeks and even then OW is always there and it's all very planned and formal. People (when I bring this up) say 'well they're at that age where they drift away and get their own lives' and can't see how abnormal this new way is for my H. I have to point out that THEY didn't drift away, HE DID! Our youngest is still at home and we are very close. He is missing so much. I very much hope that one day they can rebuild that close intimate bond with him again. Your story gives me that hope.

The fact your H lived with OW so long and then returned and you have both rebuilt also gives me hope that a return, whilst not probable, is possible. So thanks again also for that reminder! Please hang around. I love reading how you guys are going.
 
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M: 50 (48 @ BD)
H: 53 (51 @ BD)
Married 20yrs, together 23yrs
D: 21 (19 @ BD)
D: 19 (17 @ BD)
'Extra D': 19 (17 @ BD)
BD (that I didn't recognise as such) Easter 2018
BD 9th Sep 2018
OW (45, now 47) - he met her in the pub a week before BD, told me about her a week after BD. Thinks 'their planets have collided' because 'their eyes met across the room' and they had an 'instant connection'. Lives with her. Is building a life with her. Jun 20: H plans to buy a block of land and build a house with her.

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Thank you for continuing to post your journey. My H has completely abandoned our son again. And really hasn't had much of a relationship with him in 4 years now. And he is merely 13. Breaks my heart.  I am so happy for you and your sweet S that they have reconnected in such an amazing way. Gives me hope for sure. B/c prior to BD, my H too was a devoted father and would have done anything for our S.
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Me 49
H 47
S13
BD 5/16
H Moved out 6/16
OW--yes. Worked for H. EA turned into PA while I was in chemo. On again/off again like every high school romance

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DCD

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Milly, Evermore, KeepItTogether,

Thank you so much for checking in  :)

Thanks for the update and for answering Treasur's questions. It was all stuff I was really curious about, too. Fascinating that your H lived with OW for so many years and then came home.

It really did seem like this had the makings of always forever between them but I was baffled by his resistance to making anything permanent. I had thought that he was so obsessed with the financials of it and that was why he kept stalling. How did he manage for so long with a girlfriend who so very much wanted marriage and kids? How did he not impregnate her?  After five years, I was fully and completely done and by year six was more concerned about getting the legal separation signed and sealed (where we are, we have six years from date of separation to finalize the financials or I’d be cut off). Had they decided to move across the country, I’d have absolutely no problem with that. I Was single handedly raising my son and was fine with that. Husband had added nothing but grief to our lives and was not missed. Our mediator was very smart in insisting that husband sign off on at least the financial settlement when he did...and husband did. Because it would be an additional 2.5 years After that, and only after he moved back, before he finally did (as that was my requirement for him to move back).

One of the very sad things for me is how disconnected my H has become from our girls. He was always an incredibly hands on dad and had a really well-connected bond with them previous to his MLC. It breaks my heart that he is now OK with just seeing them every few weeks and even then OW is always there and it's all very planned and formal. People (when I bring this up) say 'well they're at that age where they drift away and get their own lives' and can't see how abnormal this new way is for my H. I have to point out that THEY didn't drift away, HE DID! Our youngest is still at home and we are very close. He is missing so much. I very much hope that one day they can rebuild that close intimate bond with him again. Your story gives me that hope.
 

My H has completely abandoned our son again. And really hasn't had much of a relationship with him in 4 years now. And he is merely 13. Breaks my heart.  I am so happy for you and your sweet S that they have reconnected in such an amazing way. Gives me hope for sure. B/c prior to BD, my H too was a devoted father and would have done anything for our S.

Truly breaks my heart, too.  :'(  It’s my opinion and my personal experience that this is one of the main hallmarks of a true crisis. If husband had acted that way (in the beginning) but made an effort to be in his son’s life (as many of my single dad friends manage very well to do), I don’t think I’d really think he was anything but a walk away spouse. That stood out to me as so odd right out of the gate.  So much so that I started to research and found myself here. It wasn’t until son was able to pick up the phone and call his dad directly that they spoke somewhat regularly and rarely did a call last more than 2 mins. It was incredible watching things unfold further as people here said they would. Husband evolved into a real whack job. There were also instances where an MLCer would maintain some contact but the dynamic had changed and they would over share things with their kids that were wholly inappropriate in tone, as though they were buddies - definitely not as a parent with their child. But in the end, if the child challenged them in any way, they’d easily be cut out. The fact that husband went from responsible and somewhat engaged dad to complete deadbeat the day he left screamed off-side to me. In the 8 years he was gone, he didn’t buy a single Christmas or birthday gift. The only time he’d really acknowledge those days would be when his parents would insist on having son on those occasions so, of course, husband would have to attend. He still didn’t buy anything (or maybe some crap bits for a stocking or whatever) and I’m certain he’d tell them that he and I went in together on a really good gift. And of course it was! I saved and shopped to make sure it would be.

He is certainly a different dad today. He’s working on organizing a few days in one of my son’s favourite spots for his birthday next month - back at the beach 🙂
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some days are yellow
some days are blue
on different days, i'm different too
you'd be surprised how many ways
i change on different-colored days.
 - dr. seuss

 

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