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Author Topic: My Story lugging around this bucket of water for those still consumed by the fire

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Thank you!  I want to follow along.  :)
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Divorce Bomb August 6, 2017
Married 19 years
Together 22 years
Divorced as of January 2019
I don't think I'm standing, but who knows what the future brings.
Two Teenage boys
Me: 55
H 59
OW? I don't know - probably plural

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Thanks for sharing your story. Was your H ever a vanisher?
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“In the end, you’ve got to be your own hero because everyone’s busy trying to save themselves.”

D

DCD

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Hello everyone - and thank you!

Yes 7.5 years is a very long time. So much has happened during that time. It really seems like a whole other life and in pretty much every way, it was.

Xyzcf, Trusting - hello  :) I’ve thought of you and others over the years. Xyzcf, if you could post that link, I would very much appreciate it. It would be very interesting to revisit where I was at that time compared to now.


I guess my question to you is - are you happy with H home?
I know there's so much detachment even with him living at home.
You say he's like a roommate, but are either of you hoping for more?  DO you know?


MCSINME, hello! To answer your question, I think the simple answer is sure...happy enough. Mostly because it allows my son and me to remain in our home and him in his school. He was pretty upset with the thought of having to move and I was really stressed out over having to find somewhere else to live. I could never afford anything within this city on my own which would remove us from his school district. I’m also happy that he’s here as support while we’re investigating our son’s health issues, which I don’t currently see as grave but his presence (and insistence on being at the appointments) is very comforting in this respect.  At this time, I cannot imagine anything more than this between us - keeping in mind how very far we’ve come since just a few months ago when he was spewing bitterness over the settlement. I can’t speak for husband’s feelings going forward. My best guess is that he sees the need and value of keeping our home at this time for both our son’s sake and financially. His demeanour has changed and it really doesn’t come across as forced. He’s comfortable, seemingly at ease, and seems quite happy to be “home”. I don’t sense anxiety, depression, discomfort...although we are still early days. He’s started a bit with repairs around the house and brings me little snacks/take out at times when he goes out. These are glimpses of “old husband’s” ways but I don’t read too much into it. Maybe just a small way of showing his gratitude. I haven’t any romantic feelings towards him...not for a long time. Still working on trust and respect. But I am “warmed” by his interactions with our son :) So far, this works well for me.

Oh my goodness....how are you doing DCD? And your boy?

Hi Treasur! We’re doing pretty great, thank you! We had settled into our routine, comfort zone, life without husband quite well. I did ask son how he felt earlier on and he told me “I’m nervous” which was a big deal since he’s always just “fine”. He has mentioned a wish to return to just me and him at times but with his dad’s continued inclusion of him in his outings and errands, their relationship is building. Husband has had a first hand view now of our relationship and I do believe this affects him but not in a deterring sort of way - more as encouragement to build something stronger with his son. I find that I’m not caught up in husbands doings. He tries hard at being transparent with what he’s up to and my default is to expect that he’s covering something by being overly open. What I focus on is his determination to keep our home and that’s our shared goal. I’m fine with him living his life and his being here is supporting me living mine. My spidey senses really are not tingling and I do not feel deception at this time.

Xyzcf, KeepItTogether, sampsed, Nas, Kitty, trusting, Mortesbride, FamilyIsMyGoal - thank you for following and your comments. It’s been a very long time - more than half the length of our marriage and almost half the length of our son’s life. I would say he’s still mucking around somewhat in his crisis although we had an interesting little conversation where I jokingly commented that he was still going through his midlife crisis and he responded “I am NOT having a midlife crisis...anymore”. He was good humoured about it. His biggest improvements are his ability to joke more and to listen or at least show/convincingly feign interest in what I have to say. He doesn’t glaze over while I’m talking but I am mindful that he has had a low tolerance for that in the past so I listen and observe more. We are able to have full, two-sided conversations but for the most part, it’s pretty casual.

Thanks for sharing your story. Was your H ever a vanisher?

Hello heroIam - husband started out as a boomerang clinger. He then was a short-term vanisher type, in that he’d not communicate for a couple of weeks at a time (maybe more of an on and offer). When I was able to fully detach, he’d find strange reasons to contact me or reasons to pick at me. In the last few years, communication was sparse as he would make arrangements with son directly, but again, every once in awhile, he’d find an excuse. I should mention that while husband wasn’t on social media, he had access to an account through work (and likely sisters/his mom) so he would check up on stuff that way (by his own admission) and confront me about things. Just when I would think he was fully turned away, he’d pop up in some way. But months could and would go by with no direct contact.
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« Last Edit: March 12, 2018, 06:30:05 PM by DCD »
some days are yellow
some days are blue
on different days, i'm different too
you'd be surprised how many ways
i change on different-colored days.
 - dr. seuss

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Thank you for returning with an update, DCD.  I always get much out of reading updates from those that are years ahead of where I'm at.  My BD was 1/1/16. 

As an educator I am happy to hear that your S gets to remain in the school he feels comfortable in. 
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BD: 1/1/16
Together 15 years - married 7 years
His divorce final 7/26/16
Married the OW

After all, tomorrow is another day.

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"Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see" Hebrews 11:1

"You enrich my life and are a source of joy and consolation to me. But if I lose you, I will not, I must not spend the rest of my life in unhappiness."

" The truth does not change according to our ability to stomach it". Flannery O'Connor

https://www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com/chapter-contents.html

c
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Goodness mlc does take a long time, I am still around too although different circumstances mine went on to marry ow!!!!!!

I imagine it's hard to find a new normal after all those years without them, good on you for giving it a go and please continue to update, mlc is always interesting isn't it, I don't think we really believe it ourselves half the time either, but some of the things are very out of the ordinary.

Mine actually said those same words that yours did, that he had done everything for everyone else all his life and now it was time for him!!!!  Hmm and like we hadn't too!!!!

You sound in a good place yourself, take care

xx


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  • How I long for your precepts! Psalm 119:40
DCD,

I remember you - in fact our timelines are very similar - I am still here.

My h. divorced me three years ago. He is still with ow but hasn't been living with her for almost two years now. He is currently unemployed and visits our house and the kids during the week while I am at work. He likes to use our garage to fix motorcycles and potter around. He also gets a good meal, which I imagine  is a comfort to him. He will contact me sporadically to tell me about his problems with retirement (he can't get it at the moment, which is frustrating to him) or sends me political commentaries/observations and other very sundry things ;D On rare occasions I actually see him and our interaction is generally easy and affectionate.

It is good to see you back with your update - I sometimes wonder whether my h. will try to do something similar ???
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M 58
H 58
S 28
D 25
BD 13 Dec 2010
Divorced 27 Feb 2015 (30 years marriage)

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future" Jeremiah 29:11

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Hi DCD,

Thank you for your update. Glad to know your husband is back home.

I am still here. My timeline is longer, nearly 12 years since BD, and Mr J still in Replay.  ::)
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Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together. (Marilyn Monroe)

T
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Hi, DCD,

Me, too.... still here, my H still wherever he is.  It has been all over the place over the years, as he continues to want an external solution to an internal problem. 

Thank you for posting your update, interesting what they do, isn't it?  I'm glad your H is home, and I'm glad you are doing well.  I hope rebuilding continues, at it's own pace!

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DCD

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Good Morning  :)

checking in from work to journal a few things including the anxieties surrounding this new chapter.  So happy to "see old faces" and hear from new ones. 

Thank you, xyzcf, for posting the links.  I spent a bit of time reading over my threads and WOW.  So much that I had forgotten - the hurt and the triumphs...makes me really wonder what our MLCers come away with as far as memories from their time in the tunnel with their swiss cheese brains if my well-preserved (snort!) mind has let stuff slip.

stillbaffled - thank you! i am so pleased he is able to stay at this school, too.  He's come so far and accomplished so much. We were really blessed to find this program.  I try to be as cautious as I can and not getting too ahead of myself because husband has tried a return before.  I am not emotionally invested in this, as far as wanting any kind of marital reconcilliation, but still feel vulnerable because it's my son's happiness and welfare on the line.  It does all take so much time - so much damage was done and things said that can't be unsaid.  Trust is a tough one to win back. 

crazyjourney - husband actually got engaged a few years back.  yes, we're still married, but that promise was made and that ring was bought and presented and congratulated (thanks to social media, I got to find out about it...and see the ring. not to my taste, but whatever  ;) ).  all that to say, marriage schmarriage.  just a piece of paper, like ours was, and like the divorce paper is.  these things do not invalidate the crisis or end it.  it's just that much more mess to wade through when they do ultimately come around.

Hi Mitzpah ...and i remember you :)  I hope you are well!  by your description, i feel like your husband is where husband is at.  except husband really had no where else to go.  he works but hasn't the money to pay for a place to live.  we're it for him.  i find husband seems happy enough with this arrangement on the surface but he still goes out many evenings, says it's to watch the game with his friend (an older man whom he befriended a while back.  speaks of him like he's a type of mentor...but mostly, i think, it's someone to distract him). husband drinks quite a bit.  and i think that OW is around somewhat but i do believe that dynamic has greatly changed.  he's still toying around the end of that tunnel - can only hope he doesn't sprint back into it. 

hello Anjae - some of them are just so stubborn! many demons to squash down, i guess.  where does he find that kind of energy?  i look at husband and see a tired, old man.  but i also see him struggling to not come across as a tired old man.  he still dyes his hair, but somewhat jokes about it now.  he mentioned it had to do with how people at work treat him.  he's in a position where tired and old just won't do so i guess that's fair.  in the end i guess you need to do what makes you feel good about your - the key is to not explode your life and the lives of those around you!  he's out many nights a week and drinks a whole lot (his parents are functional alcoholics, always on the go), he eats a lot of crap (except when he eats dinner at home :) my food is not crap!) and when he is home, he sleeps.  i feel he's still fighting something, doesn't want to give in to whatever it is he's afraid of giving into.  it's such a long process.  i'm no longer familiar with all the stages (although he was pretty textbook right up to and including replay) so not even sure how the final ones generally play out.  where he is, i couldn't say.  but i am still seeing the replay antics, tired and worn as they may be :)

hi Trustandlove! that's the thread that binds it all together, isn't it? that elusive external solution! i think husband has a bit more of a grasp on what would help solve his internal problem, but still attached to the external stimuli he'd adopted in the hopes of finding it.  he's trying to incorporate a bit of both but struggles with keeping it balanced.  he still wants it all (hell, so do i!), not wanting to give up either.  the path of least resistance, in a way - all the perks but none of the pressure.  but to be fair, i think there's always been that element of selfishness, even before this "crisis", so i don't know that we'll ever see it go away.  they say that when it is all said and done, they emerge the person they should have been, all their lessons learned and demons faced...that would be very interesting to see  ;)

it has been almost three weeks.  the one main stipulation he had to agree to when moving back was to sign our separation agreement (with adjustments made to reflect the house not selling and him residing in it with us) and an addendum to the agreement stipulating that this is not a reconcilliation and that when the house does eventually sell (we discussed that we would stay until son is done school and then revisit at that time, leaving it pretty much open ended), the terms of our agreement would be honoured.  this has not yet happened.  it was briefly discussed (i had to bring it up because i was starting to worry as some nights, he just wasn't coming home and it smacked of events surrounding his previous return attempt).  to be clear, i don't have a problem with him staying out, i have concerns about his covert intentions - trust is a b!tch!

So! i woke up this morning with a bit of an uneasy feeling.  not my full-on tingling spidey senses, but more of a "this needs to get sorted and completed for reasons you don't need to obsess over at this time - just get it done" sort of feeling.  i texted him to let him know about son stuff and then to ask if he had time this morning to discuss our arrangement.  i'm always wary of his response to stuff like this because traditionally, it opens a floodgate of mean comments.  this time it was immediately responded to with "Yes...no problem. we can discuss things tonight.".  well ok then! baby steps!  i remember a comment on here from years ago that likened it to feeding a squirrel....gently....g e n t l y. no sudden moves, no pressure. dude's my new pet squirrel  ;D

of course, having just said that, he just now texted, putting me off until tomorrow night (forgot he had plans for tonight ), but to say he reached out to his lawyer about the amendments we had discussed, only to have it bounce back as "currently out of office".  ok so a baby step back, but still moving in the appropriate direction.

am i concerned that he's out most nights? if it was just with his buddy, no.  my concern is the OW.  he's just mean and sneaky where she's concerned.  he told me, among other things, the reason they're no longer together (and i'm not quite clear how long they've been in agreement that it's over) is that he doesn't want to have kids and she does, that she's younger than him ( :o no sh!t!), and that she's a millenial - they have nothing really to talk about or share and she's constantly on her phone texting.  but if the sex is still great, no telling how much he can be manipulated.

I think it was heartsblessings (don't know if i spelled that correctly) that said that at this time (if he is in the right spot), they can turn back into the tunnel but only go as far as the last closed door  - i really hope her door is closed.  if it turns out as i hope, as we had agreed up, the anxiety surrounding this will have been worth it.  our agreement was not a reconcilliation, but a sharing of our home and i am still 100% behind that.  he is well within his rights to live his life how he wants.  fingers crossed it won't end badly for son and for me!  take care, everyone!







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some days are yellow
some days are blue
on different days, i'm different too
you'd be surprised how many ways
i change on different-colored days.
 - dr. seuss

 

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