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Author Topic: My Story lugging around this bucket of water for those still consumed by the fire

E
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  • Gender: Female
Thank you so much for the update DCD. Your story is one of my favourites because of how candid and real you are when describing your journey (as well as his!). The reminder that we also need to work on ourselves is always a good one to get.

The image of your H and your S at the beach is so lovely. One of the very sad things for me is how disconnected my H has become from our girls. He was always an incredibly hands on dad and had a really well-connected bond with them previous to his MLC. It breaks my heart that he is now OK with just seeing them every few weeks and even then OW is always there and it's all very planned and formal. People (when I bring this up) say 'well they're at that age where they drift away and get their own lives' and can't see how abnormal this new way is for my H. I have to point out that THEY didn't drift away, HE DID! Our youngest is still at home and we are very close. He is missing so much. I very much hope that one day they can rebuild that close intimate bond with him again. Your story gives me that hope.

The fact your H lived with OW so long and then returned and you have both rebuilt also gives me hope that a return, whilst not probable, is possible. So thanks again also for that reminder! Please hang around. I love reading how you guys are going.
 
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M: 50 (48 @ BD)
H: 53 (51 @ BD)
Married 20yrs, together 23yrs
D: 21 (19 @ BD)
D: 19 (17 @ BD)
'Extra D': 19 (17 @ BD)
BD (that I didn't recognise as such) Easter 2018
BD 9th Sep 2018
OW (45, now 47) - he met her in the pub a week before BD, told me about her a week after BD. Thinks 'their planets have collided' because 'their eyes met across the room' and they had an 'instant connection'. Lives with her. Is building a life with her. Jun 20: H plans to buy a block of land and build a house with her.

K
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  • Gender: Female
Thank you for continuing to post your journey. My H has completely abandoned our son again. And really hasn't had much of a relationship with him in 4 years now. And he is merely 13. Breaks my heart.  I am so happy for you and your sweet S that they have reconnected in such an amazing way. Gives me hope for sure. B/c prior to BD, my H too was a devoted father and would have done anything for our S.
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Me 49
H 47
S13
BD 5/16
H Moved out 6/16
OW--yes. Worked for H. EA turned into PA while I was in chemo. On again/off again like every high school romance

D

DCD

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  • Gender: Female
Milly, Evermore, KeepItTogether,

Thank you so much for checking in  :)

Thanks for the update and for answering Treasur's questions. It was all stuff I was really curious about, too. Fascinating that your H lived with OW for so many years and then came home.

It really did seem like this had the makings of always forever between them but I was baffled by his resistance to making anything permanent. I had thought that he was so obsessed with the financials of it and that was why he kept stalling. How did he manage for so long with a girlfriend who so very much wanted marriage and kids? How did he not impregnate her?  After five years, I was fully and completely done and by year six was more concerned about getting the legal separation signed and sealed (where we are, we have six years from date of separation to finalize the financials or I’d be cut off). Had they decided to move across the country, I’d have absolutely no problem with that. I Was single handedly raising my son and was fine with that. Husband had added nothing but grief to our lives and was not missed. Our mediator was very smart in insisting that husband sign off on at least the financial settlement when he did...and husband did. Because it would be an additional 2.5 years After that, and only after he moved back, before he finally did (as that was my requirement for him to move back).

One of the very sad things for me is how disconnected my H has become from our girls. He was always an incredibly hands on dad and had a really well-connected bond with them previous to his MLC. It breaks my heart that he is now OK with just seeing them every few weeks and even then OW is always there and it's all very planned and formal. People (when I bring this up) say 'well they're at that age where they drift away and get their own lives' and can't see how abnormal this new way is for my H. I have to point out that THEY didn't drift away, HE DID! Our youngest is still at home and we are very close. He is missing so much. I very much hope that one day they can rebuild that close intimate bond with him again. Your story gives me that hope.
 

My H has completely abandoned our son again. And really hasn't had much of a relationship with him in 4 years now. And he is merely 13. Breaks my heart.  I am so happy for you and your sweet S that they have reconnected in such an amazing way. Gives me hope for sure. B/c prior to BD, my H too was a devoted father and would have done anything for our S.

Truly breaks my heart, too.  :'(  It’s my opinion and my personal experience that this is one of the main hallmarks of a true crisis. If husband had acted that way (in the beginning) but made an effort to be in his son’s life (as many of my single dad friends manage very well to do), I don’t think I’d really think he was anything but a walk away spouse. That stood out to me as so odd right out of the gate.  So much so that I started to research and found myself here. It wasn’t until son was able to pick up the phone and call his dad directly that they spoke somewhat regularly and rarely did a call last more than 2 mins. It was incredible watching things unfold further as people here said they would. Husband evolved into a real whack job. There were also instances where an MLCer would maintain some contact but the dynamic had changed and they would over share things with their kids that were wholly inappropriate in tone, as though they were buddies - definitely not as a parent with their child. But in the end, if the child challenged them in any way, they’d easily be cut out. The fact that husband went from responsible and somewhat engaged dad to complete deadbeat the day he left screamed off-side to me. In the 8 years he was gone, he didn’t buy a single Christmas or birthday gift. The only time he’d really acknowledge those days would be when his parents would insist on having son on those occasions so, of course, husband would have to attend. He still didn’t buy anything (or maybe some crap bits for a stocking or whatever) and I’m certain he’d tell them that he and I went in together on a really good gift. And of course it was! I saved and shopped to make sure it would be.

He is certainly a different dad today. He’s working on organizing a few days in one of my son’s favourite spots for his birthday next month - back at the beach 🙂
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some days are yellow
some days are blue
on different days, i'm different too
you'd be surprised how many ways
i change on different-colored days.
 - dr. seuss

 

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