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Author Topic: My Story lugging around this bucket of water for those still consumed by the fire

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I hope things work out DCD, even if it is just for your son.
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Me 39; H 43
Married 14 years
No kids, no pets

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DCD

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Thank you, Kitty  :)
Me too! Take good care.
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some days are yellow
some days are blue
on different days, i'm different too
you'd be surprised how many ways
i change on different-colored days.
 - dr. seuss

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Wow have to say I thought after that length of time your h would of been more cooked.

It would appear that the length of time doesn't really matter and they still start to exit still with mixed actions.

Thankfully your not after romance and only sopport for your son at this point in time, although worrying about the chance of been let down with that must be tough too.

I hope you get the legal stuff sorted soon and that will let you relax and not have to wonder if he will sign what needs signed.

I imagine if ow is still in the background she will be trying to hang on and probably a lot of blackmail going on for him, so he could be fighting a lot in his mind.

What on earth takes hold of their minds is a mystery!!!

Good luck with him, fingers crossed he doesn't relapse xx
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DCD

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Slàinte Mhath, everyone - may your troubles be less and your blessings be more. May nothing but happiness come through your door.

The sloooow change of season will bring renewal and rebirth. I hope, with this, everyone finds their peace and comfort, whatever that may be  :)

Good morning, crazyjourney- thank you for your thoughts and kind wishes. We did have our talk Thursday night. I had made a nice dinner and after settling down a bit, he suggested we sit at the table and go over the draft separation agreement. We went over everything line by line and found we were in agreement about how to deal with it all. He expanded on his initial objections over how things were worded and, for the most part, these things were now moot due to our new arrangement. The remaining issues were discussed and clarified and we easily came to an agreement. This will be forwarded to our lawyers Monday and hopefully finalized by end of month...we both had a chuckle over that because as! if! Hahhaa! Lawyers work on their own time line.

What was interesting was how this triggered memories of the day of our mediation in December 2016. We had not seen each other in quite a while and whatever interaction we did have was volatile and cold. Our mediation took place in the mediator’s offices. A stunning centuries-old building with separate rooms for break away and a common conference room for the initial group session. My break away room was small but just beautiful with old mouldings and fireplace, perfect for the stormy day that was. Considering what we paid hourly for the service, massages and pedicures should have been offered, but whatever. In our group session, we found husband to be surly and uncomfortable in his suit (the rest of us dressed comfortably for the day ahead) and he remained seated when my lawyer and I entered and made our introductions. My lawyer basically called him out on that and he finally acknowledged us. If looks could kill, though... The day went very well for me, but not so much for him. They provided a lovely lunch in the break room and that’s where I found husband with a member of his “team” going through the sandwiches. The first words he had directed at me in months was “did you see these sandwiches?? What are we supposed to eat??” So I helped him select a sandwich “here’s smoked salmon - you love smoked salmon. Or you can have my egg salad. How about some of this salad with that? Look! They have buttertarts!” He made all sorts of agreeable noises and once we got his lunch all sorted, he took it back to his break away room. The entire time this was going on, his team member stood in the corner watching us like :o . I smiled at him “have a GREAT afternoon!” And went back to mine.

After we worked out our plan for the agreement and living arrangements, he wanted to be clear about what’s going on between him and ow - He still sees her, in that she happens to be at the pub where he goes with his friends to see the game. He’s been with her one on one but informed me that this is with her fully knowing that he’s not interested in a relationship with her. He has no problems seeing her and hanging out (of course not  ;D) but his mind won’t change and he won’t ever believe it when she says her mind about having children has. “She’ll be back at pushing me to have kids in a month, a year, or two! I told her to go find her family, go live the life she wants. It’s not with me!” He went on to say that she’s all drama all the time and he’s not. He’s reached a point where he’s comfortable with the quiet and more content being relaxed. He did say “what really busts her b@lls is that I’m now living HERE”. No kidding! As long as she keeps her drama and broken b@lls far away from me and my boy, I can totally live with that. He then ended by saying that in the last week, she’s contacted him much less. And I note he’s returned home at a reasonable hour every night since. Of course, it’s now st patty’s and Monday is his birthday.... I “expect”  ::) he’ll be out and about enjoying that, as he should. Son has an appointment right after his dad’s birthday which we’re attending so I’ll make sure there’s something in place for them to celebrate with  :)  take care, everyone!
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some days are yellow
some days are blue
on different days, i'm different too
you'd be surprised how many ways
i change on different-colored days.
 - dr. seuss

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DCD

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It’s been four weeks since roomie has moved into the home. It’s been casual and pleasant. We’ve attended son’s appointments together (got some pretty good news the last appt so quite pleased - still awaiting a few results but this was a much needed boost :) ) and shared some dinners and interactions. We navigated an issue with the house quite well, working together and found the humor in it. All in all, so far so good.

I contacted my lawyer this week with the changes to our separation agreement and she’s now working on the revisions. I anticipate hearing from her soon with a final draft which will include “this is not a reconciliation”. I let him know that I had done this and told him once this is signed, we won’t have to think about it again until our agreed upon time to revisit the situation a year from now. He agreed.

His work schedule is such that he works on a rotation of days, evenings, and overnights with blocks of time off in between, so there are periods of time where I don’t see him and then periods where that is a possibility. During these bits, he seems to split his time between taking our son out (routinely), hanging out at the house (sometimes) and going out (often). He’s texting a bit, when he’s out with son to share stuff they’re up to, to let me know he’s picked up something for my lunch, sometimes to inform me that he won’t be home for supper. Our lives are pretty much separate, otherwise. I still don’t initiate contact...can’t think of any reason to need to.

It is as I had expected but I find I get confused at times and have to remind myself where he is on his journey in life and why I signed up for this in the first place. For instance, I know he’s still seeing his girlfriend. He doesn’t say anything about it (guilt, shame, “out of respect”  ::) )but while he’s pretty quick to mention when he’s heading out with his buddies, he sort of slips out/doesn’t come home late at night after work, and makes a jokey comment about being alive when he does make his walk of shame entrance again. It’s not that this overly bothers me - ok, it does in that it makes me a bit (really only a tiny bit) nervous about his commitment to our agreement, but then his ACTIONS are very much in line with what he’s committed to. But then I wonder why he continues to see her ( ::) I know...DUH!!), if he’s so concerned that she’ll get the idea that he’ll change his mind. And then I think about how many times he came around in the early days after bomb drop and how that wasn’t in any way a clean-cut, done deal back then, either. AND FINALLY, I feel dumb that I’ve spent any time wondering/stressing about these two.

I guess for someone who can’t handle being alone, it’s quite difficult to cut the cord. I am also reminded of the first time he came home when half-jokingly asked me to tell her to go away. I feel like he is pretty firm in his decision but, for whatever reason, won’t be the one to fully walk away. She’ll have to make the effort, cut off all contact, to end it. He’s just not strong enough to do that on his own. As for me, I’ll just continue to focus on the big picture and continue to build a stable future for me and my son.
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some days are yellow
some days are blue
on different days, i'm different too
you'd be surprised how many ways
i change on different-colored days.
 - dr. seuss

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You are such a steong inspiration. Thank you
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10.29.17 BD-Moved out to OW/A began in  6.17
3.5.18 OW moved away/H moved in with F
3.19.18  H moved home into spare room 
7.14.18  Moved to be with OW (another state)
9.4.18  Moved back-Living with Parents 
11.1.18  OW moved back.  H living w/her in D's basement room. 
11.18 - H started visiting on holidays
11.26.19 Call from H.  BIL died suddenly.
1.19 - H announced to my inner circle that he moved to sisters  inc all belongings
2.19  H volunteers to house and dog sit whenever.
Spring 19  H visiting house and doing chores on a regular basis
7.20 OW2 Confirmed  5 hours away  Monthy visits  Was hiding her!

4.83 Started Dating
8.10.85  Married

D -29 Married with 2 children 
S - 27 Engaged in Prof School
3 Dogs (he left them all behind

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DCD,

You are an inspiration!!

I am currently in touch with h. about his dog who is with me and is hurt - I just sent a message to him that the vet would only be able to come on Monday and he just told me to not worry, he would be here... we have communicated quite a bit over this weekend - according to the kids, he intends to work here during the week out of our garage! My maid told me he is almost home... (I actually think this is wishful thinking on her part - she has known us over thirty years, her family has known my h. over fifty years!!!). This maid of mine had her h. do the same thing, so maybe she knows a thing or two, although she is semi-illiterate. Her h. came back after six or seven years... he was at rock bottom

I really appreciate your coming here
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M 58
H 58
S 28
D 25
BD 13 Dec 2010
Divorced 27 Feb 2015 (30 years marriage)

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future" Jeremiah 29:11

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DCD

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Samsed, Mitzpah - thank you for your kind words  :)

Samsed - I read through your most recent thread today while waiting for my car at the service station...wow! It’s a tough road to navigate and I think you’re doing so well. I hope you remember through this that it’s not on you to tread carefully, to walk on eggshells, or to go out of your way to accommodate him. There really isn’t much you can do to mess things up if you remain true to you - he will do what he does regardless, so don’t live in that fear - it’s not on you :) There are many mlcers who stay in the home and in the marriage throughout their crisis...it has its own hurdles and pitfalls, being in your face on a daily basis - their vortex of crazy is right there in your living room! Make your plans, go on vacation, visit family and friends, watch your t.v. and laugh out loud, and leave him to it. He will be watching and questioning how you are managing while his own life spins off center, but that’s on him to muddle through. If anything, you’ll be a great example of how you can still find happiness within even when there’s a storm raging all around. Wishing you much comfort :)

Mitzpah! It’s insane how long this takes and how long they must wrestle with their demons...and incredible how common it seems to be. It’s not even just the length of time, but the timing of their passing into the final stages...and the environment they exit into. So many things seemingly need to align for a successful exit and return. I haven’t any special insight, but I believe my gut. I knew that my husband wouldn’t ever wander too far and, I swear to all that is good and kind and decent, i believe your maid to be right - I do believe your husband will return to you, too. There’s a reason your husband has never drifted too far, either, beyond your children (even though I’m sure it has felt that way). You are a true example of that lighthouse we’ve all heard so much about over the years, standing by quietly loving and respecting your husband through it all - this would not have gone unnoticed nor unappreciated. Their struggle is real! It just all takes so much time, which I believe is a big reason why there aren’t more reconciliation stories. Also, the damage is real and true forgiveness is hard...but you do it all with such grace. I wish you all the peace you deserve and I’m looking forward to more real movement in your story :)
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some days are yellow
some days are blue
on different days, i'm different too
you'd be surprised how many ways
i change on different-colored days.
 - dr. seuss

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DCD

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This past weekend marks 7 weeks since husband has returned.  I would have to say he spends half the time here and half the time elsewhere (girlfriend/friend's place), taking into account his mixed bag of hours at work (different shifts week to week).  In general, he's home more often than not - we just don't always see him.  Speaking of home, he now refers to our house as "home" whereas before, it was always "the house".  We've been getting along very well, all things considered, with neither of us seemingly walking around on eggshells. We've been attending our son's multiple doctor appointments together as a family and are happy to see things going well for son. A few things still to investigate but I've managed to scrape myself off the ceiling and worked my way back down to calm,  and we are very optimistic that he's doing well.  The general mood around "the house" is peaceful and comfortable.

In the past couple of weeks, husband has hauled out his crock pot and made two delicious meals for us, as well as some lunches for the week.  He joins us for supper and still takes son out "to the bar to watch the game".  He's chosen to stay home a bit more in the evenings instead of joining his friend at the pub close to where his girlfriend lives but he also still does not come home a few nights a week without sharing this information.  I don't react (not my business) and always greet him kindly and warmly when we do see him again -  and I think my general demeanor in all this has helped our own relationship build.  It's a strange little dance that i never would have believed we'd be doing but no toes have been stomped on and we seem to have found a good rhythm. 

Still waiting on the lawyers to work out the agreement and we do talk about that openly and comfortably.  He came home last week with a little pack of hard cider that i really like that's so hard to find in our area and he was so pleased that he was able to do that.  so was i! He enjoys it when i sit and have a drink with him as it wasn't really something we did much together before (his choice, not mine). I find he still drinks a lot and he mentioned his most recent blood pressure reading - something he really needs to have checked as it is in a dangerous zone.  I urged him to do that and then left it alone. 

When we speak of the future in the sense that we'll still be in the home together, the timeline has been stretching out a bit more and more.  Solid plans made for months ahead instead of being up in the air about a few weeks ahead.  His response to my talking about making plans for myself and wondering about son's care is now usually "shouldn't be a problem - i'm here!" I know at some point down the road there will be a need to decide on things, but in the meantime, I'm finding a peace and comfort that I haven't really known in quite a while. 
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some days are yellow
some days are blue
on different days, i'm different too
you'd be surprised how many ways
i change on different-colored days.
 - dr. seuss

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DCD

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i found me! i must have passed right on by my thread half a dozen times - i'm sure there's an easier way to do that...
anyway, this past weekend marks 10 weeks since husband has moved back in.  It is still pleasant enough, although i've had to deal with issues within myself.  Mostly having to do with the relationship between him and our son in that i had expectations that he'd actually spend more of his free time with him but it seems that son still isn't the priority (i guess i feel) he should be.  I bring this up, while it's really not a huge deal since son seems to be just fine with it, only because I think it shows that husband still is mucking around in the mud puddle that is his crisis.  I try to remember back to the character of my husband before all this and while i do believe he was a good, kind, decent guy, he did have some of the traits that have been amplified throughout his crisis.  The biggest being his self absorption.  his own sister really brought that to light earlier on when she said "you know, he's always been pretty self absorbed but THIS is ridiculous!"  You got that right!

Another big indicator of where he is, is the fact that his girlfriend is still in the picture.  and while it is true that their dynamic has changed somewhat, he continues with the little lies/omissions, i think because he knows deep down it's all so silly and, well, let's just call it what it is: douchy - could also be that now he's home, his sneaking around adds a bit of the drama that an over 8-year relationship has been lacking of late.  He was out with son for several hours one night over the weekend and they came home pretty late.  He paced around and disappeared upstairs and waited until son was asleep before announcing that he'll be back "in a bit".  I somewhat mocked his "in a bit" comment and he responded "have to deal with some bull$h!te".  Right! He was back two days later  ::)  He defends what he is doing by prefacing it with the fact that he's told her how he feels about having kids, in that he refuses, "...and there are other issues, too" (in previous conversations, he's said that she's young and a millenial...like i should know what all that entails), but he is leaving the heavy lifting and dirty work up to her.  He won't make a clean break (other than moving the bulk of his stuff out, except for a big screen tv because she'd have no tv - and he wouldn't be able to keep up with sports while he's there).  He is leaving it up to her to end the relationship.  She won't, or at least hasn't, up to this point, but I think she might have pulled back somewhat because as of our last conversation (initiated by him...always by him), he mentioned that he told her that for now, and the next year to few years, he intends to remain in our home for our son to continue with school and that our son is his priority - but if she's still around when that is over and done with, well.... so there it is.  He's yanking her chain, making sure she's still attached to the end of it. He did state that she has mentioned changing her mind about kids, but he also states that he doesn't believe that.  I usually don't comment much but at this point, did ask what would happen if she got pregnant.  He got antsy and basically made a snipping gesture in the groin area "if i think she's getting any ideas! but she wouldn't..." uh huh!  I told him i felt like he was backing away from our arrangement because he started saying how dating would be difficult with an ex back home "what if you want to get serious with someone or what if i met someone? you can't bring them back here!".  He said that he is committed to keeping son in the house for as long as possible but he's still very selfish, has a history of putting himself before his own son, and is a proven liar, so what am i supposed to think?  For my part, going back to the "what if we meet someone..?" comment, I told him in no uncertain terms that i would never put myself in a position where i am financially or legally bound to another person "thanks to all this!", waving my arms around between the two of us, and that i would never bring anybody into our son's home.  I have no problems dating but anything more serious would only be with someone who was like minded, to which husband nodded and agreed...so to be honest, i couldn't tell if he was fishing for information.  Not that i really think he's considering the possibility of a reconciliation but i do know that he will never pull the plug on what he has with his girlfriend until there is a sure thing waiting for him when he finally does. And so it continues...

As far as tunnels, it would appear that the light at the end of the separation agreement tunnel is shining a bit brighter in that we (me and my lawyer) have a draft agreement hammered out and finally sent off (after many emails, an average of two for every step - one to propose, one to confirm...at like $70/email   >:( ) to opposing counsel (after having sent two emails to verify that this opposing counsel is husband's counsel - gah!) and now we wait for husband and his counsel to send emails back and forth about this, and then back to us, before coming to an agreement and signing.  Husband and i did sit down and make the edits to the previous draft, but my lawyer had issues with how the lump sum payout would go do, and rightfully so, and made the changes.  I actually did discuss with husband and he seemed to understand but his lawyer might have something to add (as they do).  I'm still hopeful that we'll have an agreement by month's end.  I feel like this will alleviate some of my worry and anxiety.  Whatever happens, that aspect is solid and secure. 

Of course, having said all that, things are still pretty good, comfortable for the most part, and despite the aforementioned, i'm in a better place. We still share some meals and drinks.  We watched a great movie he had downloaded over the weekend and both enjoyed that very much.  I bought a bunch of plants for the front garden and can barely hardly wait to get it all into the ground.  He shared his plans for the back and we discussed the things we need to do around the house.  When he first moved in, he was all gung ho at getting the house "sale ready" but nothing has really progressed.  Interestingly, the one person who really seems to not want to sell (me) has been the one shopping for the bits needed.  He talks about it, at times, but doesn't follow through (upstairs bathroom supplies have migrated down the hall and into the front room, out of the way).  I did tell him just yesterday, after sharing an idea i had for the garden and him responding with "whatever looks good to sell the house", that i KNOW it has to happen and it is coming but still not for a long time and it's anxiety provoking when he continues to throw that out there - so please stop!!  He replied "i think it'll look good!" full stop, happy face.  We're much better with the compromising, we work better together when things need to get done, and we're much more respectful to each other in general.  He's come a longer way in that respect than i have because he's had farther to travel ;D 
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some days are yellow
some days are blue
on different days, i'm different too
you'd be surprised how many ways
i change on different-colored days.
 - dr. seuss

 

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