Author Topic: My Story Not a group I ever thought I'd be apart of!  (Read 2517 times)

Offline Deborib1Topic starter

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My Story Not a group I ever thought I'd be apart of!
« on: March 13, 2018, 08:45:19 AM »
So this is one group I never thought I'd be in...LBS! This is my sad story but I am a stander!
Three weeks ago Sunday, my husband got himself a cup of coffee, came into the dining rm where my son and I were eating breakfast. I said to him 'so what have you got planned for today?' He looked at me with a face I've NEVER seen before and said, 'I'm so sorry' I said 'for what?' He said, 'I love you but I don't want to be married anymore' then handed me a letter and left. I was frozen stiff with shock. All the while my beautiful 11yrs old son (who happens to have Down syndrome) sits there wondering what just happened. We have been married for 27 yrs and before marriage we dated and we're engaged for eight yrs so 35 yrs together...highschool sweethearts. There was no indication that there was a problem, everything has been normal. We haven't had a fight or argument in four years. Four years ago, I had thyroid cancer, went in for surgery to remove my thyroid and woke up unable to speak because they took out my voicebox too as well as giving me a tracheotomy. A hot mess to say the least. I was in the hospital for a week and my husband was wonderful, of couse, taking great care of our son and encouraging me and loving me the whole time. I got home and had to wait 6mths before I was able to get a voice prosthesis so during that time we took sign language classes together at home with the three of us and my sister. We all looked forward to Mondays when the instructor would come and during that time we grew even closer in every way...except physically. So I got the prosthesis and we all got used to my new voice and life went forward, slowly getting back to 'normal'.
So here we are four yrs later and the letter says he has been miserable for about a year (turned 50 in May) and that he hasn't made anything out of himself and knows he can if he is on his own. He said that 'it's not selfish to want to be happy' and said he wanted to make a legacy for our son and me...it's I cooperate. There were plenty of other stupid things that were said in the 'bomb' like ridiculous money and custody arrangements. The day after he left I texted him and asked if he would come over to talk and see our son, who was asking every hour on the hour 'where's Daddy '. He came over and though I kept saying things like, we can work anything out and we're a team and there is nothing too big that can't be fixed or forgiven...all he could say is that he made up his mind. It was pathetic, sad and frustrating. Since then I have been very nice, welcoming and seemingly happy whenever he pops in to see our son for a few minutes or to pick him up on Saturdays for a few hours. He is staying with his brother (single) about a mile down the road. His entire family, 5 sibs, have not spoken to me since he left. Everything feels so wrong, so lonely and like I've stepped into an alternative universe. I hate it! I especially hate to see the sadness on my son's face when he wants to know where Daddy is...I keep saying he is working.
I pray that I will do what is right through this process and that God works in my husband's heart and his scrambled thinking so we can be a family again. Thanks for reading about my story.
Buckle up! It's looking like a bumpy ride!

Offline OldPilot

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Re: Not a group I ever thought I'd be apart of!
« Reply #1 on: March 13, 2018, 08:47:12 AM »
Welcome to the Board

You are in a good place.
Your H/W  is on his/her own journey.
You can not do anything to control this trip.
Come here and read or vent, we will listen.
Give your H/W space  he/she needs to heal himself/herself.

I would not ask him/her anything unless you can have no expectations.
Sometimes asking them questions will be thought of as pressure.
You do not want to do anything that can be thought of by your H/W as controlling or pressure.

Your need to start working on you.
There is nothing that you can do to help your H/W.

He/She has given you a gift.
It is time!!

Use the time wisely to make yourself a better person.
Look in the mirror to see what it is that you can improve.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
GAL.

Read some books on depression. Both for yourself! And for H/W.
Believe none of what he/she says and 50% of what he/she does.

Read the resources from this site.
The links that are in my signature.

Detach. - The single most important thing you can do

The detach link and HB's 6 stages of MLC(rewritten from Jim Conway) located in the resources above.
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=4.msg380#msg380

Developing Detachment
http://jamesjmessina.com/toolsforcontrolissues/developdetachment.html

http://www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com/self-focus_releasers_detach.html

http://www.livestrong.com/article/14712-developing-detachment/

Keep posting and asking questions and we will try to answer them.

Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon

Online Thunder

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Re: Not a group I ever thought I'd be apart of!
« Reply #2 on: March 13, 2018, 10:22:30 AM »
Welcome Deborib,

I'm sorry you ended up here too.  You will at least get some good support here.
It's an awful thing when this crisis hits one of our loved ones.  They turn into complete strangers.
Just know his unhappiness is not because of you, or your marriage.  It's all about him.  You can't fix him or talk him out of anything.

Just take good care of yourself and your S.  Try to detach as much as you can and don't have relationship talks.  It only pressures them.  Just be light and friendly around him, but live you life.  This can take a very long time.

Make sure you are protecting yourself, financially.
With her permission, a quote from a recovered MLCer: 
From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did.

Offline Deborib1Topic starter

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Re: Not a group I ever thought I'd be apart of!
« Reply #3 on: March 13, 2018, 12:56:11 PM »
What happens when you have no money for groceries? Do you say 'hey could I have some grocery money?'. What happens when he doesn't show up to see S when he told him he would? Can you suggest at least a phone call to S? I've been texting a simple...I love you, every night before going to sleep...it's that wrong?
Buckle up! It's looking like a bumpy ride!

Offline bvFTD

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Re: Not a group I ever thought I'd be apart of!
« Reply #4 on: March 13, 2018, 01:20:16 PM »
Hi, Deborib:

I am so very sorry.

He left you no money for groceries? Do you have access to your joint checking account or a credit card? I wish I could say that it's unbelievable for him to leave you with no cash, but it's sadly not. Some of them clean out the bank and retirement accounts, open dozens of credit card accounts and apply for loans. 

If he refuses to provide for you and your son you may have to consider filing for separation or divorce to get him to pay. Filing also freezes the assets so he can't plow through all the money on selfish pursuits.

Please think about making a neuropsychiatric appointment for your husband and explain you are deeply concerned about your 50-year-old husband's drastic and disturbing behavioral change.

It's so very hard, I know, but try to keep calm and take very good care of yourself. Treat yourself very gently and know that you will get through this.


Offline Deborib1Topic starter

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Re: Not a group I ever thought I'd be apart of!
« Reply #5 on: March 13, 2018, 01:30:27 PM »
You said to make an appt for him? He would never go...heck, when I started to say we could get help he interupted and said he wasn't going to have some a**hole tell him his problems. As for money, yes we have a joint account but he is a realtor by day and dj at night (has been since the 90s) so he pays the bills at the beginning of the month and then we pay for evetything with cash such as groceries and gas. He gets paid cash for his night job.
Buckle up! It's looking like a bumpy ride!

Offline Deborib1Topic starter

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Re: Not a group I ever thought I'd be apart of!
« Reply #6 on: March 13, 2018, 01:37:52 PM »
Do you talk to your spouse about the difficult time your child is having or do you just keep it to yourself? I understand he is not thinking logically right now so how much responsibility do you give him for how this is effecting your child?
Buckle up! It's looking like a bumpy ride!

Offline Deborib1Topic starter

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Re: Not a group I ever thought I'd be apart of!
« Reply #7 on: March 13, 2018, 04:22:51 PM »
How do you all deal with the no call, no shows to see the kids? He initiates the stop over, tells my son 'I'll see you tomorrow' then doesn't call or show up. My son waited up last night until I insisted we get ready for bed. As he is going to sleep he asks, where is Daddy 😣 breaking my heart...
Buckle up! It's looking like a bumpy ride!

Offline OffRoad

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Re: Not a group I ever thought I'd be apart of!
« Reply #8 on: March 13, 2018, 09:45:28 PM »
This is my opinion only, but it's in your son's  best interest if you explain the situation to him as factually as possible " Daddy is having a hard time with his emotions right now. He believes that he needs to be away to do some things.  This is Daddy's  issue, and he isn't always capable of keeping his word to you at this time. People sometimes need to figure themselves out. You and I will be ok. "

Then call an attorney and get some support in place if you are 100 % reliant on your H for grocery money. You don't have to file for divorce, but may have to file for a separation. But get the financials straight for you and your son's sake.

Feel free to ask your MLCer  for grocery money. Don't expect any. Feel free to talk to your MLCER about your son. Don't expect anything will change. Keep it simple and factual.  "Son misses you. When you say you will see him the next day, he expects you will do so since you have always been there for him.  Could we agree on a schedule for him?"  Don't expect your MLCer will be able to manage anything.

Your best bet is to keep yourself and your son busy and as content as you can manage. It's a rough situation you are in, and I don't doubt this will be very hard. It won't feel like it right now, but you can do this. Take care of you and your son.

Hugs.

When life gives you lemons, make SALSA!

Offline bluerose

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Re: Not a group I ever thought I'd be apart of!
« Reply #9 on: March 13, 2018, 10:19:55 PM »
     My h did all of that. We are now divorced. He did not offer to contribute financially for 2 years. I stopped asking after being told he was broke a few times. I was working 2 full time factory jobs at one point to keep things going. I am still working 2 jobs. I had to file for child support to recieve any money from him. I now get alimony too. Dont wait like i did. File for it immediately.
    My daughter is 13. He abandoned her for 5 months. No visits, texts or calls. This was after she told him she was cutting herself. He still does not call or text to see how she is during the week but sees her almost every sunday for a few hours. She recently told me that she had contemplated suicide a few months ago. His visitation is court ordered.
      Im not trying to scare you but this is the reality of what comes with mlc. They have no caring or empathy for anyone, even their own children. They want no responsibility for anything. When i first came to this site i heard " it gets worse before it gets better". I thought how can it get any worse? It can and it does.
        Protect yourself and your son. This is going to be a nightmarish journey. Not only are you dealing with your feelings and emotions you also have your childs and that makes the hurt worse. File for child as support asap. Talk to a lawyer. Find out your options. Im really sorry you are going through this. My heart goes out to you and your son.

 

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