Author Topic: My Story Finally admitting I need support  (Read 2455 times)

Online strawberryTopic starter

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My Story Finally admitting I need support
« on: March 14, 2018, 09:07:55 PM »
Hi everyone.  I believe my H has been in MLC for about 5 years, though at the time I had no idea what it was.  And reading some of the stories here, I think I'm getting off relatively easy.  Some monstering, but not constant. 

Statistics: Me: 43, H: 43, Married 15 years, No kids, 2 dogs, 2 cats, 5 chickens.

He came home from work one day in 2012 and told me he was unhappy and was going to stay on a friend's couch.  I felt blindsided, I broke down, we talked, and he ended up staying.

About 8 months later we moved from our home in the Southern US to the Pacific Northwest for his work.  The first year there was glorious.  We were both very happy.  He would hold me as we looked out at our beautiful view of the Olympic mountains and comment how lucky we were and how sad everyone couldn't be as happy as we were.  Then one morning in 2015 after he'd been sleeping in the basement due to insomnia issues, he told me he'd had a bad dream about getting a divorce and how nasty I was to him AND that he was leaving me.  He packed up and moved out for 2 weeks sleeping on various co-workers couches (he says.  I have no way to verify).  I was again blindsided.  He moved back in and things between us were either great or horrible for 2 years. 

We did marital counseling in late 2016 and again in mid 2017 which didn't really help.  Things continued to decline the rest of the year.  His chief complaint always seem to be that he simply was not happy and that he resented me for my chronic illness (more on that later).  He was moody and I was walking on egg shells.  He was unable to make a decision about if he was staying or going.  I tried to bargain, and find a compromise.  He though polyamory would make things better (and he had one of my 2 friends in mind.  Yes, I only have 2 friends.  I'm an introvert.), and I declined for a number of reasons.  I was open to the two of us thinking outside the box sexually, but I was not interested in a relationship addition. 

He accepted a new job about 2 hours transit from our home at the end of October, to start Nov 6, 2017.  The Friday morning before he was to start his new job I could tell he was nervous which was generally a sign that he had something he didn't want to tell me.  After breakfast he started mumbling to me about taking one of our dogs to work in his new office in the big city.  Now we have 2 dogs, both German Shepherds.  They are big, loud, and have been raised in the country.  In fact we bought a house on 5 acres in the country specifically for them.  They and 2 cats are our children.  I told him it was not a good idea.  He mumbled some more, which I did not understand but I felt he was working up the courage to tell me he was moving out again and I was tired of the cowardly behavior.  I sat up straight and said, "if you are going to go, just pack your bag and go. But you are not taking either of the dogs"  I didn't want him to go, but walking on eggshells had pushed me over the edge and the feeling that he was going to try to take one of my babies pushed me into a protective mode.  He did pack his bags.  He argued with me over the dog but finally relented when I stated that taking her was simply what he wanted and not in her best interest, which he could not argue against.  He hugged me and kissed my forehead and told me he still loved me just before he walked out the door.

A little about me and my flaws.  I have an auto-immune disease called Hashimotos.  The basics are that it causes the body to attack the thyroid which results in hypothyroidism.  You may or may not be surprised to know that the thyroid basically affects everything about your body.  I did not respond well to traditional treatment of T4 hormone replacement.  I suffered from mild to severe depression, extreme fatigue, pronounce brain fog (to including forgetting anything I'd told him already and losing words mid sentence), and weight gain regardless of what diet I followed (I followed a lot of fad diets).  I suffered all the symptoms of depression including crying for no reason, and lack of sex drive.  The worst years were between 2007 and 2009 (We've known each other since 1996, started dating in 2001, and married in 2003).  H felt helpless as neither he nor the doctors seemed to be able to help.  He has a bit of a knight in shining armor complex so being unable to help me was demoralizing.  His other complaint is that I have always had trust issues.  These issues didn't start because of him, but he didn't always help matters.  For the majority of our marriage, he had flirtations.  I don't believe they really ever crossed into EA or PA, but they did not help my self esteem.  However, my depression didn't really help his ego so I let it go. But he was aware that I was aware of them.

Around 2009, I asked my doctor about going gluten free.  She said it couldn't hurt and a lot of her patients felt better after going GF (why she didn't suggest it to me earlier is still a mystery).  It took about 3 months, but it was almost like waking up from a bad hazy dream.  I suddenly could think again, and I could get out of bed.  I won't give you all the steps, but basically, that first step helped me take control of my own treatment.  I got my medications changed and made some dietary changes that others think are extreme but work for me.  I still have hashimotos and will for the rest of my life but it doesn't affect me much.  I think though that finding my own cure further hurt my relationship because I saved myself instead of my H saving me.

His frustration with those years is valid, but he seemed to have not noticed that I'd gotten better.  He had been wonderful and supportive when I was struggling, but when I got better all the built up resentment surfaced.

The year or so before he moved out, H mentioned divorce as an option frequently.  Since he moved out, the only mention was when I told him I didn't want to be blindsided by being served without knowing it was coming.  He said he would not do that to me, but has made no effort to file.  We split our finances easily, and he gives me a pretty generous monthly maintenance payment (the new job nearly doubled his salary so he was feeling generous).  About 3 weeks after he moved out, I asked if we could "date" and still get together for sex.  He said there was no OW and I figured that as long as he was still sleeping with me, he would be less likely to look elsewhere.  Plus I was lonely.  The only condition I made was that he told me if he met someone else because it was not okay to put my health in danger.  He said he expected the same from me.  So for the last 4 months, we've met up every couple weeks (usually here at my home, once in a hotel near him) for a few hours of hanging out and being intimate.  He's far more affectionate than he has been in years.

Why I think this is likely a MLC.  He's moody and most of what he tells me doesn't really make sense.  He's unhappy and depressed but doesn't know why.  He loves me, but can't be with me.  He admitted to having an EA in April/May 2017 (long distance), but says the guilt was too much and broke it off. There is definite depression and possibly low T issues.  He is secretive and paranoid.  He won't tell me where he lives even.  His personality seems to have just shifted completely.  I see glimpses of the old him, but not often. But he texts me just about daily (I try to let him initiate all conversations and I'm about 90% successful).  Some days we just have a couple words to say and others, there are long conversations, pictures, and x-rated flirtations.

There is a part of me that worries there is an OW.  I've always had trust issues and I'm really working on just accepting that trust is blind faith, so I am trying very hard to believe that he is telling me the truth.  He does not make it easy though.  I just keep thinking that if he had another woman, why bother with me, especially right after moving out?  I know, I know, cake eating....When he left I asked him to do 2 things: individual counseling and get his T levels checked by his GP.  He has interviewed 2 IC and is planning to make a followup with one of them (had been planning to interview 3 and then choose but never found a third).  If he was just cake eating, why bother with the counseling?  Ironically, after reading some of this site, I'm not sure counseling is actually the best thing for him, but that's a discussion for another time.  He says he is still going to get T levels checked, but hasn't found a new local GP yet.

Anyway, I've rambled on a bit and there is a lot more but I think this is the main points.  The basic problem I'm having right now is I'm lonely.  I'm full of too many emotions.  I'm confused about what I should be doing.  I absolutely want my H to come home and be the wonderful husband I had for the first 10 of our 15 years of marriage.  But I also feel like I'm not getting any younger and maybe I should be looking to move on with my life because I don't even know the person I'm married to now.  Should I be talking to him every day?  Should I still be meeting up with him for adult play time or sending him the naughty pictures he requests every few days (I've got enough photos of him that revenge porn would be a bad move for him).  I just don't know what I'm supposed to be doing and I don't really have anyone to talk to about it.  No local family and we just aren't that close anyway. 2 friends (one that lives local, and one that is a 2 hour flight from me), both about my age, but have never been married.  They think I should file for D and move on with my life, but fully admit they really don't have the experience to know what I'm going through.  And I think they are tired of discussing it with me.  I had an IC but she and I both concluded that she wasn't prepared to help me unless I filed for D, so I stopped seeing her.

Online OldPilot

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Re: Finally admitting I need support
« Reply #1 on: March 14, 2018, 09:24:33 PM »
Welcome to the Board

You are in a good place.
Your H/W  is on his/her own journey.
You can not do anything to control this trip.
Come here and read or vent, we will listen.
Give your H/W space  he/she needs to heal himself/herself.

I would not ask him/her anything unless you can have no expectations.
Sometimes asking them questions will be thought of as pressure.
You do not want to do anything that can be thought of by your H/W as controlling or pressure.

Your need to start working on you.
There is nothing that you can do to help your H/W.

He/She has given you a gift.
It is time!!

Use the time wisely to make yourself a better person.
Look in the mirror to see what it is that you can improve.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.

Read some books on depression. Both for yourself! And for H/W.
Believe none of what he/she says and 50% of what he/she does.

Read the resources from this site.
The links that are in my signature.

Detach. - The single most important thing you can do

The detach link and HB's 6 stages of MLC(rewritten from Jim Conway) located in the resources above.

Developing Detachment

Keep posting and asking questions and we will try to answer them.

Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon

Offline serenity

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Re: Finally admitting I need support
« Reply #2 on: March 15, 2018, 12:07:59 AM »
Hi strawberry,

Welcome to THS but I’m sorry you find yourself here. From what you’ve written I’d say your H is definitely having a MLC. They all seem to follow the same pattern at the start!

I don’t want to alarm you but there’s usually another woman lurking in the wings. We all thought our H’s were different but it seems that most of them do it but not all.

Your IC sounds awful and a bully! I have never found a helpful one but I know others’ on here have. So maybe try another that understands MLC or is willing to listen and be sympathetic to your situation.

Your H’s confusion and coming and going scream that he’s in crisis and doesn’t know who he is or wat he wants and it’s called a boomerang - possibly a clinger!

Most of us find that people/friends in RL don’t get it or understand and if I hadn’t experienced it - I probably wouldn’t either. My H has been gone for nearly 8 years and is still in crisis! He’s mostly been a boomerang and at times clinging. It’s the craziest and most heartbreaking thing I’ve ever experienced and we are still married! We got back together at the 3 year mark for a year but he was still deep in his crisis so was doomed to fail.

Here is the best place to ask questions and get help, answers and support. I would suggest that you try and see if there are any other LBS’s near you because that’s what I found to be a lifesaver - making good friends on here. Some virtual and some in RL. We all understand and can help and give you support.

Others’ will be along soon to offer more advice.

Take care of you as it’s a long and weary road.


Online strawberryTopic starter

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Re: Finally admitting I need support
« Reply #3 on: March 15, 2018, 07:23:01 AM »
Thanks OP and Serenity.

I'm pretty sure I'm not going to be special and I know he at least had an EA, but according to him, she lived far away and this I believe.  I believe it's someone he started chatting with through one of the games he used to play on his playstation.  He was actively gas lighting me during that time.  He's not as good about hiding what he's doing as he thinks.  There could absolutely be an OW with him now in the city.  It would explain why he won't tell me where he lives or let me visit there.

At this point though, what can I do to find out?  Even if I wanted to snoop, I can't.  He changed all his passwords and moved out.  And asking him outright seems counter productive.  I do have a fairly good sense of when he's lying to me as he has a couple tells he doesn't seem to realize he has.  I could ask him next time we are face to face if he's seeing anyone, I guess.

One reason I don't think he is right now though is work.  He told me early in our marriage that if I ever cheated or left him, he'd just work himself to death.  He really loves his new job and is giving it everything he's got to prove they made a good choice in hiring him.  He was a little bit under qualified for the position (though he is a quick learner and definitely has the aptitude to do well) but they pursued him and made him an offer he felt he couldn't turn down.  Plus his old job was just making him more and more miserable.

He absolutely does not know what he wants.  His last visit was an all day spent at my house.  He told me near the end of that day that he really likes being free, but that he really also likes being here with me.  Mostly, he seems to be rebelling against the hum drum of ordinary life.  He craves the excitement of new romances, the tingly feeling of new "love" which we all know isn't actually love.

Should I ask him outright if there is an OW?

Should I encourage him to seek therapy for the depression/MLC?  It seems so few therapist understand MLC or even believe it's real that I'm afraid they will just encourage him to be selfish to his own detriment in order to "be happy".  Our marriage counselor did recommend he find someone with a phd since my husband is a little too smart for his own good and would not really respect anyone else.  Will they actually be better trained to know when their patient is lying to them?  Our marriage counselor sure wasn't able to.

Online Thunder

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Re: Finally admitting I need support
« Reply #4 on: March 15, 2018, 07:55:32 AM »
Hi strawberry (love strawberries, btw),   :)

No I would not ask him if he has a ow.  If he does he would most likely lie about it, so why even bother?
It is possible there is no one else.  My H's alienator was his work.  He even offered to work OT and holidays.  It was crazy the amount of time he spent at work.  I believe because then he didn't have time to think.

Snooping isn't worth it either, so I'm rather glad to hear you can't.   ;D

I don't think there is anything wrong with meeting up with your H.  He is still your husband.

It's disturbing he wont tell you where he lives, but that seems to be part of this crisis their little secrets and their precious freedom.

Maybe you could be a little mysterious yourself.
Ask him to please call you before he comes over to make sure your home, then maybe don't be home a few times.  Let him wonder where you went, or with who. 
Maybe meet him more at motels. 

I also would not recommend he sees a therapist or a doctor.  You're not his mother and right now he doesn't seem to want a wife, so allow him to do those things on his own.

Strawberry, I would just try to detach some from him and live your life.  Get out and do things, now that you're feeling so much better.  Maybe join some groups near by you and meet some new friends.  Or take up some hobby you enjoy that may involve meeting new people.  A walking group maybe.  Do you have any dog parks near you. 

Just don't put your life in hold waiting for him.  Make it as happy and full as you can.

With her permission, a quote from a recovered MLCer: 
From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did.

Offline Anjae

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Re: Finally admitting I need support
« Reply #5 on: March 15, 2018, 08:53:26 AM »
Hi and welcome, Strawberry

No, having a PhD is not going to make a therapist better at knowing your husband is lying. It would take a therapist that is well versed in MLC to know. 

As for not asking if there is OW. My opinion is, ask, since I am the type who likes to know what is going on. He may lie, but you have the right to know.

And, if by any chance, you are going to meet in in a motel (or be intimate with him in any way), you do need to know if there is OW. You will want to protect yourself and your health.

I confess I do not like the idea of meeting in motels. It is not up to the LBS to play games and pretend/create some sort of romantic/affair mood. But that could be because Mr J spend months before he left meeting OW1 on hotel bedrooms behind my back.

Agree on making your life as happy and full as you can. Just do things you like, be it read a book, go out, etc.

Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together. (Marilyn Monroe)

Online strawberryTopic starter

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Re: Finally admitting I need support
« Reply #6 on: March 15, 2018, 09:50:49 AM »
Thanks Thunder and Anjae.

I'm working on detachment but it is hard when he's acting like we are still good friends.  I think for my own happiness, I'm going to need to be a bit less available even by electronic communication.

He does always ask before coming over, in fact we usually arrange our next visit at least a week in advance.  Because he's been traveling a lot for work, I haven't seen him in a month and don't know when I will see him next.  His next suggested date for me didn't work as I already had plans and I'm not changing my plans for him.  I guess he's got some more traveling coming up as well. 

I'm keeping as busy as I can.  I took up running last year.  Like others, I've lost a bunch of weight (60lbs), but it was deliberate as part of trying to regain my health and most of it I'd lost before he left.  I'm itching for garden season to start as that will distract me some as well.

Meeting people and making friends is a challenge for me.  I work from home so I don't get out too much.  Though my neighbors have really all become much more friendly toward me since he left.  I find that sort of strange and wonder if they just feel sorry for me or if they didn't like him. 

I'm also still very disturbed by his refusing to tell me where he lives.  It really could be hiding an OW or it could just be the MLC behavior of being secretive and paranoid.  Like a teenager that resents being accountable to anyone.  But he broke down in tears when he told me and our therapist about our EA.  I'm still trying to decide if was so emotionally distraught over that, would he be able to hide an OW at this point?  I guess it's possible.

There is a bit of projection on the trust issue.  He told me not long before he moved out that he couldn't be with someone that didn't trust him.  Thing is that I'd already started practicing blanket trust.  I was not looking for information even though he was being secretive.  I took what he told me at face value, even if my instincts were screaming not to (I'm not sure how good my instincts are).  But I realized in that moment that he didn't trust me though I was not giving him any reason not to.

I've read so much about MLC over the last year and am baffled that there is any debate as if it's real or not.  Given how scripted it seems, you'd think that all therapist would be very well versed, but the reading I did and my experience with the therapist I saw says they are not commonly trained to believe it happens.

Offline Jay78

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Re: Finally admitting I need support
« Reply #7 on: March 15, 2018, 10:26:27 AM »
I know that feeling of be introvert I only have my kids and a best friend who has two daughters and married. I was raised in east coast where crime is horrible as soon I was 17 I moved out of my crazy house and never looked back been on my own and life been good before BD I moved to Illinois for my W so W became my all and her family now I have  no one my mil and FIL never even called or ask what happen is sad how sides where made. Now am here trying to find an outlet an escape from all this madness.

I can tell you is a longer road for H they say in women is between 2 to 5 yrs MLC and men 7 to 10yrs the question I ask could I stop living for that long until W is ready again. And also to much damage done the hurt has been to bad.
We are here to vent away I know after writing I feel better.
Lesbian marriage
S9,D9,S8 adopted all three
Together almost 10yrs
Bomb Drop - April 2017
W movedout - May,2017
OW  May orJune,2017 maybe even longer
Currently 2018
Me40, W37

Online Thunder

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Re: Finally admitting I need support
« Reply #8 on: March 15, 2018, 10:40:12 AM »
You know what I find ridiculous?  As therapists they had to have seen for themselves what these MLCer's do and say and think from LBS clients.  It's so script, yet they keep denying it's real.  Because it's not in a book it doesn't exist.

Mine kept saying.."Well, people change."   :o  I told her, yes people grow and change but not to the extent that they become complete strangers to us, after knowing them, living with them for years.  THAT is not just a normal change.

Maybe because we call it a midlife crisis, maybe if we called it an Identity Crisis they would go along with it.  I'm sure that's in their book...and really that is pretty much what it is anyway.

Well like I said, don't stick your head in the sand, but he really may not have an ow.  Mine never did, but I was certainly aware all along it was possible.  I think eventually you would see some kind of sign.
When you're with him does he text a lot, or hid his phone?  Is he trying different things in the bedroom that he never did before?

You can ask him if you want, but I'd be surprised, if he does have one, he admits it.  Most will lie their faces off.
With her permission, a quote from a recovered MLCer: 
From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did.

Online Sam I Am

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Re: Finally admitting I need support
« Reply #9 on: March 15, 2018, 12:24:16 PM »
Following along with you!

I also suffer from a mild form of Hasimoto and passed it onto my son. 

I understand the depression, fog, weight gain and overall crappy feeling.

Luckily for me, I did respond to hormone therapy but a large dose.

Congrats for loosing 60 lbs.  Not easy when your system is fighting you every step of the way!

I am fairly new to all this and can't give a lot of advice other than listen to those with experience.

They are spot on and it will help you!  Give yourself time!  Accept mistakes when you make them and learn from them!

Come here for support!   

You got this!
I choose to feel blessed
I choose to feel grateful
I choose to be excited
I choose to be thankful
I choose to be HAPPY

BD 10 29 2017  Moved out OW A began appox 7.17

Both of us born in 1966
Married 32.75 years
Together 35.25 years
D - 1989 Married with 2 children
S -  1991  living across Country  - relies on us for support
3 Dogs - 1 was his 
Standing - No legal action yet
3/5/18 OW moved/H moved in with F  
3/19/18  H moved home into spare room  Reason:  Wasn't happy w/ F 

6.22.18 announced he is moving to where OW is

7.14.18  Moved to be with OW over 14 hours away from home  Has an urge to be away from here and me


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