Author Topic: My Story Finally admitting I need support  (Read 2460 times)

Offline strawberryTopic starter

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My Story Re: Finally admitting I need support
« Reply #20 on: March 25, 2018, 09:37:03 PM »
Thank you for your responses Thunder and Learning.  I am still feeling mostly optimistic after this weekend.

It rained a lot so I didn’t get anything new done outside but I did put some paint samples up on my wall and have finally settled on which one I want.  I have a single small wall inset are t paint and I tall accent wall that needs to be painted over.  I’m not actually a fan of accent walls but it was already there when we moved in and I don’t have any of the original white to paint over it with.  I’ve tried getting matching colors in the past and haven’t found it to work so I’m just painting the stupid accent wall a color I like better than brown (it’s not a pretty rich brown, it’s sort of mustardy). 

Having spent too much time in my head this weekend I’m really struggling with the concept of trust right now.  During our marriage my husband complained about my trust issues that I came into the marriage carrying with me.  It was a valid complaint.  I’ve been working very hard to practice blanket trust for a while now, but given all that has happened and his secrecy, it makes that very difficult.  Statistically, I know there is likely to be a PA/OW but he swore there was not when he left and assured me he would tell me if there was (We both agreed that any intimacy between us would need to stop if either of us met someone else).  Do I practice that absolute trust and take him at his word till there is actual evidence not to?  Or do I assume that the rest of the MLC crap is enough to assume he just is lying.  If he isn’t lying and I have not trusted him, there is no chance of reconciliation.  I’m not sure if I’m explaining this well.  I guess I feel stuck between a rock and a hard place because this topic is not just mlc related....It’s something I do need to overcome.  I can’t spend the rest of my adult life mistrusting everyone, especially if they’ve never given me reason to not trust them.

Im officially registered to run the 10k, and half marathon at WDW in November.   I had one friend who wanted to go already back out and side the races are selling out, it’s unlikely she will change her mind.  So I’m going by myself and I think I’m okay with that.

Offline strawberryTopic starter

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Re: Finally admitting I need support
« Reply #21 on: March 27, 2018, 05:03:38 PM »
Today’s has been a relatively interesting day.  H and I text daily.  We text like we are Good friends as long as I don’t bring up emotions or our M.  Most days it’s just “how was your day” sort of texts.  Today though he told me that he really needs to make an appointment with the IC he found because he’s “been feeling.....stressed” and by stressed, I assume he means depressed.  He’s been breaking out in hives and having a considerable amount of GI problems so he also made an. Appointment with his regular MD to test for allergies and have his T levels checked.  I pointed out that both the hives and GI distress are common symptoms of depression in men.  Given all the health issues I’ve had that have largely been cured by dietary changes, he asked my advice on things to bring up with his doctor.  Up until today, he’s been secretive about that sort of stuff and usually shuts down on me.  Asking for more thoughts was like the old H, not the MLC version.

About a month before he left, I found a 23&me sample kit in our out going mail box.  I never told him I’d seen the kit nor asked him about it but today sort of casually said he could have a dairy problem and if he’d ever done the genetic testing that I had done, it would tell him if that was likely.  He immediately sent me a screenshot of his 23&me results (it’s probably not dairy).

He seems to be opening up more to me lately, and trusting me with the personal information that he previously acted like was a matter of national security and I was An enemy spy.

I’m trying not to read too much into it.  But it was a pleasant day.

Offline LearningIamOk

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Re: Finally admitting I need support
« Reply #22 on: March 27, 2018, 05:51:08 PM »
Hi Strawberry. I am glad you are registered for the WDW race despite your friend backing out. You will find people to pal around with there. And I am certain you won't be the only one attending solo.

I am glad that your H is letting you in to some degree. That doesn't mean that he is turning a corner. I am sorry that you have trust issues. Have you asked a counselor why you choose partners you can't trust? I didn't think that I would ever trust again. My boyfriend and I have been together for 5 years now. I trust that he is not, or would never, cheat on me, but I still worry that he would have an MLC and bolt. I don't know if I will ever get to the point of trusting ANYONE to that degree again. So, I have my home and he has his. I will never let myself become that vulnerable again.

I do love him and we have wonderful times together. He has also become a great source of healing for me. I found that I needed to be open to other people's thoughts and ideas. He is very good at cutting to the chase with things and seeing the bigger picture. He helps guide me to my own decisions on many things. He never imposes his beliefs on me.

I hope the communication between you and your H continues. It is comforting when they contact.

Please keep living your life "as if" he will never return and work on making you the best Strawberry ever. It will be an achievement that will serve you well.
trying2bok

Offline strawberryTopic starter

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Re: Finally admitting I need support
« Reply #23 on: March 27, 2018, 08:04:28 PM »
I'm definitely still doing my life as if he isn't coming back.  I painted one of the 2 walls that I wanted painted this evening.  The other wall will require me to stand on a tall ladder so I'll wait till a friend can come over and make sure I don't kill myself (still a little afraid of heights, I guess).  It felt nice to decorate that way I want without asking anyone's opinion or permission.  Last time he was over he seemed a little surprised that I had replaced the dining room rug and found one I liked for the living room.  He asked if I liked them better than the ones we picked out together.  I simply said yes, but was thinking to myself that the fact that they are on the floor is self evident that I like them better.

Mostly today I was just happy to see a glimpse of the man I remember.  Sometimes I think I'm imagining that this is MLC and maybe I was just horrible to live with.  Those thoughts don't last long usually, but it was nice to have a reminder from outside my head that he really is like a totally different person and the old person is still there somewhere.

Also, I was really proud that I didn't snarkily point out that running away from his life, and all his responsibilities didn't make him suddenly happy after all and what a shock that was.  It would have felt good, but been counter productive.  It's good to see that I'm getting some control over my emotional side.

Online Thunder

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Re: Finally admitting I need support
« Reply #24 on: March 28, 2018, 04:22:57 AM »
Yes, it's good to hear you are taking more control over your emotions.

You're going to be just fine, strawberry.  You sound like a strong woman.  Just don't doubt yourself.  You knew what was real and what wasn't.
With her permission, a quote from a recovered MLCer: 
From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did.

Offline Dumbfounded

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Re: Finally admitting I need support
« Reply #25 on: March 28, 2018, 05:43:09 AM »
Welcome to HS Strawberry. I am sorry you find yourself here but you sound strong and independent.

Your trip to WDW in November sounds like fun. I am glad you decided to go. I am a big Disney fan. I love it there.

I am 24 months post BD. Your H reminds me of my now xH. I believe my XH is struggling with a porn addiction and perhaps a substance abuse problem. But it is all a secret.  It is so sad to watch them struggle.
Married 1998
MLC H 48
LBS W 47
D16, S12
BD March, 2016
Left home Sept 4, 2016 - living with parents
H filed for D - July 24, 2017
D final March 14, 2018 - still living at parent's house

“You've seen my descent, now watch my rising.”
― Jalaluddin Rumi

Offline forthetrees

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Re: Finally admitting I need support
« Reply #26 on: March 28, 2018, 12:15:15 PM »
There is a simple blood test that tests for inflammation related to depression. Not sure if it´s readily available, but hey, it would confirm your suspicions.

Sounds like you are channeling the hurt/anger into something productive- the paint project. That will make you feel stronger as time goes by and if no one else says it, go ahead and give yourself an "atta girl!"

The trust issue could be a real sticking point for you but I think that MLCers use the whole ow issue as a chance to gaslight and manipulate. Yes, they will lie straight faced to your face. My thinking is that once they cross the morality line and know that they are no longer the "good" guy, they have nothing to lose by sampling the buffet of behaviors they once would have shunned. If your h is somehow not involved with someone, he would be in the miniscule percentage of MLCers. You don´t need to snoop on him. You can go forward knowing that the probability of there being someone else is extremely high and protect yourself accordingly. Time will answer that niggling doubt one way or another.
me 51
H 51
M 27
BD 1/15/ 10 then BD 8/21/10
D final 8/13

Offline same33

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Re: Finally admitting I need support
« Reply #27 on: March 28, 2018, 01:59:49 PM »
Hello strawberry. I'm just catching your story. So sorry you have to be here. But there is AMAZING support and advice on here. Big hugs to you and wishing you well!
M-44
W-41
S12, S9, S7
Married 9/25/2004
13 years of marriage
BD#1- December 22, 2014
BD#2- January 2, 2018
D filed 6/25/2018

Offline strawberryTopic starter

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Re: Finally admitting I need support
« Reply #28 on: March 29, 2018, 02:07:09 PM »
Nothing new to report but for some reason I am down today and wondering how long I can really do this for.  I don’t want to spend the rest of my life alone.  My mom was texting me this morning, totally benign day to day chatter, but talking to her always brings me down now (which I feel guilty about). My dad left her 30 years ago and she never dated or remarried and she is often bitter about it.  BTW, she says my dad had a MLC...if he did, he’s still in it.  I’m more inclined to think he just has a narsicistic personality disorder.  I haven’t spoken to him in over 20 years, and even now when he tries to “repair” our relationship, it’s all about how my life reflects positively on him as a parent (which is not really valid since he has had little influence over me since I was 12).

In positive news, I finalized my reservations for WDW in November and I managed to get bibs for the 5k, 10k, and half marathon.  I didn’t mention it before but this race weekend will be the one year anniversary of when H moved out......which is why I’ve been so adamant about going even if I’m by myself.

Offline LearningIamOk

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Re: Finally admitting I need support
« Reply #29 on: March 29, 2018, 06:40:54 PM »
Quote
My thinking is that once they cross the morality line and know that they are no longer the "good" guy, they have nothing to lose by sampling the buffet of behaviors they once would have shunned.

FTT, this made me laugh. It is oh, so true.

Strawberry, your H is surprised by your redecorating because you are supposed to be right where he left you. Everything is supposed to go into stasis while they are in the Tunnel. You are showing your survival skills by having the courage to change things already, and that is messing with his head. Well done. He should be worrying about you and what you are doing/planning. And it does feel good to not need anyone else's opinion.

You don't strike me as the type to be alone forever or end up bitter. I work at not being bitter. It is hard tho' when you have your entire world ripped out from under you, but I do not want to be miserable thinking about what might have been and what was.
trying2bok

 

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